


redemption has stories to tell

by iwantthemtostay, only_because3



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 09:56:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 304,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwantthemtostay/pseuds/iwantthemtostay, https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_because3/pseuds/only_because3
Summary: They meet in February.Everything changes in April.





	1. something broken about this

**Author's Note:**

> We are so terribly happy to be writing together and so in love with this world. We're excited to go on this journey with you all! Huge thanks to the GC for all their help and encouragement, especially awakeanddreaming, falsettodrop, and wishfulwannabe. (Titling this work took almost as long as writing this chapter, we were very torn between lyrics from 'Dare You to Move' and 'From Eden' - so now we have chapter titles too). 
> 
> Warning: This work centres on events following the death of spouses

**_February 20th 2018_ **

He’s late.

He _hates_ being late.

But his mom couldn’t pick Becca up from her dance class and Mollie needed a new pair of skates for hockey this weekend (today was the last day they were on sale at Sport Chek). So now he’s jogging in from the parking lot, doing his best to brush off as much snow as he can so he’s not dragging it all over the church. Scott isn’t even sure he brought his workbook.

When he finally gets to the community room, Amanda is urging everyone to take a seat. He meets her eyes and she smirks at him, a pointed tap at her watch. “Sorry, sorry,” he says when he reaches her. She hugs him tight, the way she greets every member of their group. Amanda insists she can get a better read on what everyone needs this way. It’s a little too out there for Scott but Amanda is sweet and ultimately helpful to everyone gathered here. He can’t help but indulge her.

Amanda gives his arm a squeeze when she pulls back. “Tessa brought cake but wait until we’ve introduced everyone to grab a slice please.”

Tessa?

Scott spins around and notices a new woman seated between Boris and Kaitlyn, talking politely to both. She looks like she just came from work, green blouse and black slacks paired with heels that don’t look safe in this kind of weather. Her hair and makeup are perfect. Everything about her seems too put together.

He wonders who she lost.

Scott hangs his coat on the back of the chair next to Anne. “How long do you think it’s been for her?” he asks in a whisper.

Anne slips her glasses down a little further, peers at Tessa over the frames. “At least six months,” she surmises. “Looks like she’s trying to prove she’s okay. My guess is she got sent here at the rec of her therapist and she’s trying to get out of here as soon as possible.”

He nods. “So, you, when you joined,” he quips.

“Oh, shove it, Moir.” She elbows him so hard that it does actually hurt.

The gong rings out, the signal Amanda uses to officially start group. His eyes go straight to Tessa. There haven’t been many new people to join after him but he’s noticed this is a good way to figure out if he’ll get along with them.

Tessa cocks her head to the side, her own eyes darting around as she tries to decipher if this is something to take seriously. She notices him staring and her eyebrows raise just enough to make him laugh under his breath.

He thinks he’ll get along great with Tessa.

He’s proven wrong very quickly.

Over the course of the meeting he comes up with a lot of things he doesn’t like about Tessa.

Firstly, she’s lying about baking.

Even if the cake she brought in is in a Tupperware container, it is _clearly_ store bought. The decoration is too crisp, the lines too perfect, the frosting too sweet. The cake itself tastes okay but it lacks any sort of flourish. It tastes like every birthday cake he’s ever had at birthday parties growing up (not his own of course. His mom would die if she served them something she didn’t make). Tessa brought cookies too, chocolate chip, and Scott thinks they could be homemade, even if their uniform size and shape makes him suspicious.

But that cake…

She accepts the compliments of each treat though, asserting that yes, she made them both.

Next, she seems too much like a teacher's pet. She takes copious amounts of notes, writing down everything Amanda says as if it will magically fix the fact that her husband died.

Which leads to Scott’s next complaint. Tessa is putting her husband on a pedestal. He’s aware that he knows nothing about Tessa outside of what she shares with the group when Amanda asks what brought her here, but no one could have been _that_ perfect.

“He didn’t do anything that annoyed you?” Scott asks before he can stop himself.

Tessa pauses and shakes her head. “Jonathan was everything I ever wanted.”

What a load of shit.

There’s a short pause in which he notices Tessa’s eyes narrow in his direction, her head cocked just enough that Scott knows she’s trying to size him up. He doesn’t react, keeps his disbelief on his face. Amanda looks between them before settling on Tessa and asking brightly, “How did the two of you meet?” Scott fails to see how that’s relevant.

Tessa’s face smoothes out, a smile curling her lips a fraction. It’s almost like she lights up. He shifts in his seat, the folding chair creaking as he does, and forces himself to look somewhere else. “I took a math course that was too difficult for me my first year at Laurier, and I needed a tutor. Jonathan was at Waterloo and two years ahead of me.”

“I did math there,” Boris says, “I was probably gone at that stage though.”

Tessa puts a hand on Boris’ shoulder and Scott watches the way her muscles moves as she gives the old man a squeeze. “He, uh, he was actually more into computers, but he was a great math tutor.” She licks her lips. She seems far away then, her smile and voice shrinking. “I ended up getting an A,” of course she had to get that in, “and afterwards he asked me out. And that was that.”

Scott’s about to roll his eyes about Tessa thinking the guy she dated when she was eighteen was everything she wanted, but then the better part of him remembers that Charlie and Nicole started dating when they were still in high school, and have a much stronger marriage than he ever had.

“And you have a little boy?” Anne prompts. She always asks people about their kids.

“Yes, Nathan, he’s two and a half.” It’s like Tessa’s whole being relaxes talking about him, and there’s this new warmth to her eyes. Her head drops and she picks some (what Scott is pretty sure is non-existent) lint from her trousers. “I think that might be the hardest thing, sometimes. Knowing how to talk about this with him.”

A murmur of agreement goes around the room from those who have kids in their lives and have struggled to know what to do. Scott feels like he’s waiting on the day it gets easier.

“I don’t know if he’s going to remember anything about him. His dad, I mean.” Tessa’s voice is a little less sure now, a little more tremulous, and it makes Scott feel uncomfortable about all the griping he’s been doing in his head. “I show him photos of him every day, and talk about him but… I don’t know if that’s helpful.”

Mollie does that sometimes, looks at photos of when she was a baby and Sarah was well, a time she can’t remember. “Are you doing that for him, or for you?” It comes out sounding a lot gruffer than he intended, maybe because he’s trying to avoid dwelling on the thought of his daughter’s sad face. It doesn’t sound the same as when his mom had asked him a similar question about keeping the girls out of school after Sarah passed.

Tessa’s head whips up to look at him, eyes once again narrowed and this time there’s a tight set to her jaw. “What is _that_ supposed to mean?” she asks in a clipped voice he didn’t think she was capable of.

Amanda is already standing up, trying to defuse the situation before it escalates further (not that Scott has any intention of saying anything negative about Tessa as a parent. That’s a line he would never dream of crossing) but Tessa puts her hand up.

Anne sits up straighter next to him, suddenly a lot more invested in the exchange.

“ _Everything_ I do is for my son,” Tessa says.

Scott nods as he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He keeps his voice as soft as he can without sounding patronizing. “Maybe you need to do something for you too.”

Tessa scoffs, rolls her eyes at him, which makes Anne laugh a little at his expense.

Amanda claps her hands before ringing the gong. “ _Oh-kay_ ,” she says, painfully cheery. “I think it’s time we open up our workbooks!”

Tessa refuses to acknowledge him in any way for the rest of the meeting.

—

Sleep has always been hard to come by, even before Jonathan died, but there’s no doubt it’s gotten worse since November. Most days she doesn’t sleep longer than a few hours, usually sometime between the witching hour and three am. In fact, Tessa isn’t entirely sure what her alarm sounds like anymore.

(A blessing, she thinks. She’s not sure she can handle waking up to Jonathan’s voice telling her to get out of bed.)

Today, she wakes up to a soft, chubby hand on her cheek and the best sound in the world. “Mama, Mama.” The room is shockingly bright when she opens her eyes and Tessa blinks rapidly to adjust. She can’t remember the last time the sun was up before her.

Nathan’s head rests on her pillow, his face so close that their noses brush. He hasn’t put on his glasses so his green eyes are squinty as they scan her face. He’s got a sleepy smile on his face and his curls fall over his forehead, just skimming the top of his brow. Her fingers come to comb through the fine blonde hair, already mourning the haircut he’ll need soon.

Mourning seems to be all she does now.

“Hello, my baby,” she whispers. “Did you climb out of bed all on your own?”

He nods as he wiggles his way beneath her blankets. “My big boy bed,” he says brightly. His voice is much too loud at this range but Tessa finds herself smiling all the same.

“That’s right, you’ve got a big boy bed.” She slips her arms around his small body and pulls him close to her chest, warming when he nuzzles closer and wraps an arm around her.

A quick glance to the clock on her bedside to get the time and then she closes her eyes to do the math. She managed to get six hours.

A small miracle.

She asks Nathan about his dreams, listens to his clear and crisp words mix with gibberish and approximations of real words. He talks and talks and talks until her stomach growls and then he giggles, his smile pressed to her collarbone. “Mama hungry?”

“I’m hungry… for kisses!” Her fingers tickle at his sides and at his neck as she peppers kisses all over his face before blowing a raspberry on his belly. He laughs, little legs kicking at the top of her thighs, and he keeps laughing even as he kisses the top of her head.

“Mama! I wanna give kisses,” Nathan says between deep belly laughs. She raises her face to be treated to wet kisses on her cheeks and lips.

Tessa would love nothing more to spend all day like this but she really should get started on feeding her boy. She sits up, Nathan still close to her chest, and pushes back the blankets. “What do you want for breakfast, love?”

The front door opens just as they reach the bottom step and Nathan, with his glasses now securely on his head, squeals. “Auntie Jo!” He bounces up and down on Tessa’s hip until she puts him down, grinning as he skip jumps over to Jordan.

Her sister pulls him into a bear hug but she doesn’t lose herself in the action like she normally does. Jordan looks between them with wide eyes. “You’re both in your pajamas.”

Nathan twirls Jordan’s hair in his palms. “I woke Mama,” he proudly announces. Jordan’s eyebrows raise to her hairline.

Tessa’s not sure why she feels embarrassed about having done something that she knows is good for her but she does nonetheless, wrapping her arms tight around herself as she heads to the kitchen.

There are a few blueberry muffins left from the batch she made on Sunday but her growing boy needs something more than that. She pulls a few eggs from the fridge, grabs an extra when Jordan pointedly tells Nathan, “Your mama is making all of us eggs,” and the package of premade bacon. It’s a quick and mostly silent affair as Tessa pulls together breakfast. Nathan chatters with Jordan for a while before “reading” his newest farm book (he’s memorized every single word) as Jordan reads over case notes.

“So,” Jordan starts when Tessa slides a plate in front of her. “How was group?”

Tessa moves Nathan’s book so he doesn’t get food on the pages, clicking her tongue once when he starts to pout. “It was okay.” She shrugs. “The leader is nice… a little odd but.” Half her coffee is gone in two gulps. “Most people were nice.”

“Most?” There’s yolk on Jordan’s chin that Tessa wipes away without a second thought. “Thanks, mom.”

Thumb in her mouth, Tessa gives Jordan a light kick to the shin. “This guy - he was such a D - I - C - K. He tried to make me say bad things about Jonathan, and then he basically accused me of being selfish!“

Jordan, ever the lawyer, points out, “He’s lost someone too, Tess. Maybe you shouldn’t judge him based on what could be just a bad day.”

“I suppose,” Tessa sighs. “But I’m going to take this morning to sit in my aggravation, thank you very much.”

“Do you have plans for the rest of the day?” her sister asks, with that fake casualness Tessa has grown used to. Her family doesn’t want her to think they’re checking up on her, even as they show up at every mealtime.

“We have a playdate with Tanith and Jenny, won’t that be fun, Nathan?” He grins at her, his mouth all yellow. “I’m going to help Tanith make up some new flyers for the studio.”

Jordan frowns. “You have a lot on your plate already, you shouldn’t be stretching yourself too thin.”

Tessa tries not to snap about how just two months ago Jordan was telling her she needed to get up and do things. She knows her sister is only trying to help, she’s been doing so much for her and Nathan since the accident. “This is easy, it will be fun. And I’m an investor after all.”

“Yeah, an investor who doesn’t want any share of the profits.” Jordan rolls her eyes.

“Well, I don’t exactly need the money.” Tessa looks pointedly around the massive kitchen, equipped with every appliance she could ever dream of and the countertops fitted with marble that Jonathan had arranged to be flown in from Italy.

“You don’t. But maybe if this kind of thing is more fun for you then you should focus on that, and not still being involved with the app. You could teach some classes again?”

There are some days Tessa wishes she could do that, especially whenever she has to communicate with the people at Facebook. Fucking Zuckerberg. “It was Jonathan’s baby. Both of ours before this one.” She picks up Nathan’s plate and collects the remainder of his eggs on his fork before handing it back to him.

“I know. But you can hand that one over to someone else.” How can Jordan expect her to give away Jonathan’s work? Jordan grabs the cloth Tessa was going to use to wipe Nathan’s mouth before she can do it. “Finish your bacon and eggs, Tess.”

She does what her sister tells her. It’s easier to eat now that her appetite is returning. Food finally tastes again and eating is no longer a chore, something she forced herself to do when she wanted nothing more than her husband to come back home.

Jordan finishes cleaning Nathan up and smacks her lips against his cheek. “Okay, I’m off to work. Call me later?”

“I will,” Tessa promises. After a hug, her sister leaves, and it’s just her and her boy and this big, empty house.

—

The knock on the door takes Scott by complete surprise and his hand flies from his dick to grab onto the hand bar on the wall. The doorknob rattles. “Daddy?”

He sighs. “What is it, Mol?”

“Can I have pigtails today?”

Leave it to his baby girl to wake up before the sun to ask about her hair. “Sure,” Scott answers. “Go lay back down, Mollie. It’s early still.”

He thinks he hears her yawn over the running water, a soft, “‘Kay, Daddy,” coming through the door before everything goes quiet again. While he’s pretty sure Mollie is back in bed, Scott isn’t keen to try masturbating again just yet.

He shampoos his hair and washes his face, keeps his hand far away from his half hard dick. Once he’s added conditioner to his hair, he decides it’s been long enough now. He makes sure his hands are free of soap before taking his dick in his fist, leaning over to warm the water up just a little more. Starting at the base of his cock, Scott drags his hand to the tip, changing the pressure as he strokes himself. Tight, firm, along the length, then shifting his hand so that the pressure lightens and his thumb can rub at the head, pad of his finger teasing his slit.

He doesn’t do this often. Not because of Sarah, lord knows that he was doing this enough when she was still here, but because he simply lacks the time. There aren’t enough hours in the day anymore. The girls have school and dance and hockey and Becca wants to join a science program after school. He went back to work too, even though everyone at the station told him to take as long as he needed, and sure, he’s not hurting for money, but he didn’t think draining their savings would be very smart either. Besides, what was he going to do when the girls were at school?

(It’s not like he could spend six hours a day masturbating. Scott’s not sure he’s ever had that kind of stamina.)

Then there’s group and therapy for the girls in addition to spending time with family on weekends. And then the whole running a household business, with cooking, cleaning, and laundry.

And walking Marner too. (He’s glad that the girls hadn’t asked for a snake after Sarah passed because he would’ve gotten it for them. He knows he would’ve.)

In the very rare cases he does have free time, he’d rather carve in his shop out back or sleep. Most of the time, he picks sleep. Getting off is most definitely not in the forefront of his mind.

But he woke up with a boner and enough time to spare so, why not? Chances are it’ll start his day off on a happy note. So he keeps stroking himself, hips moving now as he pumps into his hand. He’s not the kind of dude to imagine something when he does this, chooses to focus on the feelings, maybe calls back to a really great time before when he needs that final push. It surprises him when he squeezes his eyes shut and actually sees someone on his eyelids.

It surprises him a _lot_ when he realizes the person he’s unwittingly visualized is Tessa, the new woman from group, wearing that harsh scowl and tapping the heel of her shoe on the floor.

He drops his dick and then there’s a knocking on the door again. “Dad,” Rebecca sighs. “Mollie keeps trying to climb into my bed.”

“No,” Mollie yells back.

Scott leans forward and turns the water as cold as he can stand. “Mollie, _your_ bed. _Now_.”

He can hear each stomp of her foot, clear as day, as she goes back to their room.

—

“Where’d you pick that up at?”

Tessa looks up, lid to her carrying case still in hand, to find Scott inspecting the lemon pound cake she baked this afternoon. “I made it.”

He looks dubious. “I’ve been to Starbucks. This looks just like their lemon one, kiddo.”

She hates when he calls her that, he seems to think it’s funny because she was the last one to join the group. “Those come to them individually sliced,” she informs him. She bends to tuck the lid underneath the table, out of the way. “I like to bake.” She doesn’t tell him that she bakes a lot more now because it takes her mind off of everything.

“There’s no way you made this,” he says and shakes his head. “It’s too perfect.”

She blinks at him. “Thank you?”

Scott raps a knuckle on the table. “It’s only a compliment for the person who actually made it.” There’s an infuriating sort of smirk on his face and if he hadn’t started to walk away to grab a chair, she’d tell him that he’s not allowed to have a slice.

She knows he’s just lost his wife but she thinks it is perfectly acceptable to think of him as an asshole.

Once everyone settles into their seats and Amanda rings her little gong, Anne throws her hand up. “I’ve got to bitch today.” Tessa knows she’s new to group but she’s pretty sure Anne complaining is more normal than not. “Beth’s parents have been asking to see the kids.”

There’s a mixed reaction among the group, some of the members looking on in surprise and others in something close to anger. Tessa’s eyes flick from Anne, with her brows furrowed behind her glasses and a frown etched onto her lips, to Scott beside her. He looks conflicted, the hand he has resting on the back of Anne’s chair coming up to her shoulder and giving her a small squeeze. Amanda leans forward in her chair, almost as if she’s going to get up to comfort Anne too, but Anna abruptly shakes her head.

“Isn’t this a good thing?” Kaitlyn asks once the quiet has gone on too long. “That they’re trying?”

Anne scoffs and Tessa notices a slight wince in Scott’s feature, sees Madi’s grimace when she sinks into her seat. “It shouldn’t have taken Beth _dying_ for them to want to be grandparents.”

Tessa can relate to the ire that Anne feels, her own father having been more than distant ever since the divorce, only popping up periodically for big moments. She never wanted a half-time parent nor does she want Nathan to have to deal with the pain of only having a grandpa Jim sometimes. But, at the same time, Nathan has already lost so much. It doesn’t seem right to deny him someone who could love him… Tessa clears her throat. “My dad isn’t in my life,” she pipes up, cautious in her words even before Anne turns her steely gaze on her. “And, forgive me, I don’t know the nuances that everyone else does to your relationship with them, but I think that if anything were to happen to me, I’d want my parents to… I don’t know, to share who I was with my son?”

“Aren’t there other people in your life who could do that,” Scott interjects, “someone who knew you better than a dad who isn’t there?”

He has a point, but Tessa won’t concede that just yet. “Is it so wrong to want to give your kids more loving relationships after losing someone so close?”

Scott sits up now, brings his thumb up to his mouth. She thinks he’s chewing on a cuticle, or maybe his nail. It’s disgusting, really, how his jaw works and his muscles flex in his forearm as he adjusts to take a better bite. “I don’t think I’d let Sarah’s parents see the girls.” Of course he can’t agree with her. “They were toxic raising Sarah and toxic to each other. I don’t want to risk my girls putting up with that.”

“Beth’s parents aren’t a walk in the park either,” Anne mentions. “But, I mean, I guess they were nice when they thought Beth and I were just roommates.”

Tessa is quick to shake her head. “If they’re not comfortable with you being gay, then absolutely don’t bring that into your children's lives. The world is hard enough, they don’t need to hear shit like that from someone who should only be open and loving.” She sighs, rubbing at her temple. She should’ve let her hair down before coming to group. It probably would’ve eased some of the physical tension. “I think it’s hard for me to know what to say, because my in-laws are so, so great. I couldn’t imagine keeping Nathan from them.” Tessa pauses, smoothing down her skirt. “Wouldn’t it also be nice to think that they’ve had a change of heart? It’s awful that it took losing their daughter to realize it but…”

Anne nods before letting out an audible groan, throwing her hands up before letting them slap down to her thighs. “I just don’t fucking know anymore. Where is the manual for this shit?”

Scott stands up, patting Anne on the back as he walks over to the snack table. “I’m sure Tessa has the name of it,” he quips just as he gets some water from the cooler.

Fuck him.

—

“Becca, can you hand me the peppers please? I’m going to put them in now with the onions.” His eldest brings over the bowl with a smile, and then fixes her apron.

Scott can hear Mollie kicking her feet against the kitchen table. She’s not enjoying cooking a meal together as much as he’d hoped. He thought it would be fun, and a good way to teach them about healthy eating, as well as an opportunity to try out a new spaghetti bolognese recipe before cooking it at the station for his team (he’s trying to be appreciative that they’re giving him time to settle back in after his return to work, but he misses being out in the thick of things).

He throws in the tomatoes. “Will you come get me the little bowl with garlic, Mol? That would be awesome.” He thinks she’s still annoyed he wouldn’t let her use the sharp knife earlier. She sighs dramatically, hopping off her chair and getting the bowl from the counter. Her teenage years are going to be fun. “Would you like to help me pour it in?” he asks when she hands it to him.

He gets a smile then, and lifts her up so that she can pour the garlic into the pan. Then he asks Becca to take out the remaining pieces with a spatula. He gives them both a kiss on the head afterwards and goes back to stirring.

“Daddy?” Mollie begins. “You know what else is good for you?”

“What’s that, Mollie?”

“Playing outside!”

Scott laughs. “Okay, put on your hat and scarf and gloves.”

She scurries out to the backdoor where her outside gear is hanging up (not particularly neatly, but at least they’re not on the ground again).

“Do you want to go too, Becca?”

She shakes her head. “I’ll stay here and help.”

Rebecca has been doing a lot of helping out, too much maybe. She’s started doing stuff for Mollie like putting up her hair in the morning, or packing her lunch for her. It’s as if she’s trying to be a little mom rather than a big sister.

“You can go out and have some fun,” he prompts. He doesn’t want her to give up her childhood, not for him and not for Mollie. Not for herself. She deserves to be a kid while she still can. “I’ll be okay in here.” He makes a mental note to talk to her therapist about this shift in behavior too.

She shakes her head again. “I like cooking with you.”

Scott squeezes her into his side. How can he send her out with an answer like that? “I like cooking with you, too. Do you want to stir now?” He moves out of the way to let her work, smiling at the look of concentration on her face. “How about some of those Rice Krispy treats left over from your party for dessert? The ones Grandma made?”

Becca’s eyes light up. “Are there still some left?”

“I hid some away.” He taps her nose and she giggles.

The birthday had gone better than he expected. There had been some tears in the morning, but he’d told Becca and Mollie that it was okay to cry, and to miss their mom, especially on days like that. His mom and sister-in-law had done a lot of the organising – his mom taking the food and Nicole the entertainment by doing princess makeovers for Becca’s friends from school and dance. The truth of it was that it was easier than either Becca or Mollie’s previous birthdays, there was no worrying over whether Sarah would be at home or in the hospital, or too weak from treatment to take part.

There’s a clatter at the back door, and then the swoosh of an Akita running through the house. Marner shakes his fur, spraying snow all over the floor and then shoots over to Becca when he sees her, setting her off balance with the enthusiasm with which he cuddles her legs. The spatula goes flying, hitting off the wall and leaving a trail of tomato.

“Mollie!!” Becca wails. “There’s food on the wall!”

Mollie stomps in. “Not my fault! He runs so fast!”

“It’s okay, girls. You didn’t get any on you, Becca, did you?” She shakes her head back and forth, still frowning. It reminds him so much of Sarah that he almost laughs, tempts him to take her cheeks in his hands like he used to when they were still plump with baby fat to tease the frown away. “Then we’re all good. We can clean that up no problem.” He hugs her to him and then Mollie comes and tugs at his leg so he bends down and pulls them both close. “We’re okay,” he says, gentle and honest.

Marner plops himself down over their feet and the girls giggle.

Maybe they really are okay.

—

It’s not a good day.

Nothing special happens, the day holds no meaning. There is nothing immediately happening that should be bringing her down but the fact is, Tessa wants to do nothing more than lay in her bed all day.

She’s tired and she’s sad, two utterly basic feelings that she can’t seem to get around today no matter how hard she tries. From the moment she woke up there was a weight on her chest and a thick, dark feeling slithering inside of her. It took all her strength to plaster a smile on her face for Nathan, to get out of bed and feed him something.

She called her mother-in-law as Nathan ate and Marian had been so happy at the prospect of taking him for a couple of hours (and it’s not that she couldn’t cope with being a mom today. No, spending time with his Grammy is good for Nathan. It is for _him_ , she tells herself, not for her. Everything is for Nathan, exactly as she told that prick from group) and now an hour later she is alone and all Tessa can seem to do is stand in the middle of her dining room.

She doesn’t sit or go crawl back into bed. She just stands and stares and feels listless but lacks the wherewithal to do anything to change it.

Her phone rings from the kitchen, a sharp repeating trill that takes her eyes off the carpet she’s standing on.

She hates that carpet.

It’s a slow walk to her phone and by the time she reaches it, silence replaces the loudness of the ringing and the screen is lit with the notification of her missed call. Tessa has no want to call back her mother but in the months that have passed, Tessa has learned that she is no longer given space. Everyone has decided that if Tessa is doing nothing, Tessa is depressed and Tessa needs their help.

She doesn’t know how to tell them that sometimes all she wants is to wallow. She thinks that might even be healthy once in a while.

Pulling a pack of post-its out of the junk drawer, Tessa jots down a reminder while she calls her mom back.

_Is it okay to want to feel not okay?_

Not the most eloquent way to express her thought, but it’ll do for today. “Hi, sweetie,” her mom answers, voice so bright and cheery that Tessa can tell she’s overcompensating because she’s already decided Tessa must not be in a good place.

Tessa takes the post-it and heads to the stairs. “Sorry I missed your call, I was upstairs doing laundry.”

“That’s quite alright, I was just checking in.” She’s not sure if her mom believes her but Tessa can’t find it in her to care. “Do you and Nathan want to come over for lunch?”

“Nathan’s actually with Marian right now. They were going to surprise Frank at the club.” Once Tessa is in her room, she lays the post-it on her bedside table, runs the pad of her index finger over the top firmly so that it will stick to the surface even as the bottom curls up and away from the wood.

“Well you can still-“

Tessa pinches the bridge of her nose. “I have a lot of work to catch up on, Mom. Laundry and actual work emails. You know I feel guilty working while Nathan is here so I want to capitalize on the free time I have.” Her mom goes silent. Tessa knows that she wants to say more, wants to push. Tessa also knows that her mom is just worried about her because she loves her. Squeezing her hand into a fist and knocking it against the side of her thigh, Tessa fibs. “It’s been a really great week, Mom. I’m okay. I promise.”

Kate releases a sigh loud enough that Tessa hears it clear as day through the phone. Tessa must’ve sounded more convincing than she thought she would.

It only takes another minute or two before she can toss her phone onto the bed and collapse back into the mattress.

Later, if she finds the energy, she’ll go through the stack of books on her bedside to see what wisdom they could empart in regards to her giving in to the sadness sometimes. If she doesn’t find a satisfying answer, she’ll put the post it in her group notebook to ask at their meeting tomorrow. For now, Tessa just stares at her ceiling until she falls asleep.

—

If Scott is honest with himself, most days he doesn’t miss Sarah.

He’s been told by so many qualified people that it’s because he knew that she was dying. It was inevitable. In the time that she got worse and worse, he had steeled himself, the conclusion set even if the number of chapters to the end wasn’t.

He knows that’s not it. Had Sarah simply left him, he wouldn’t have missed her. If anything, he would’ve felt relieved (even if he would’ve also felt like a failure).

It hits him sometimes, how much he doesn’t miss her, and that’s usually when he feels like the biggest piece of shit. Everyone has been so kind to him, so accommodating, because poor Scott Moir’s wife died last year. The amount of sympathy and pity sent his way has been staggering. He’s in a fucking grief support group even though he hasn’t grieved Sarah in over two months.

He thinks about everyone else in group. There’s Anne, who is firm in her anger phase (at times, Scott wishes too that her wife would have “just taken her fucking heart medication” if only so Anne wouldn’t be screaming it in his ear once a week). There’s Kaitlyn who keeps swinging between denial and bargaining (appropriate, he thinks, because that’s where Scott was two years ago when Sarah was diagnosed). There’s Boris, who is just depressed (and Scott doesn’t blame him when he’s just had to bury the woman he was with for over fifty years). Kurt is still thick in denial (to the point where Scott’s not even sure how the guy manages to get to the group every week when he seems to fully believe his sister is still alive) and Madison has just left the depression stage in favor of anger (fitting, considering what she discovered about her late husband).

And Tessa… Well, he’s not too sure where to place her yet. She didn’t seem angry (not at her loss, anyway) and she didn’t seem depressed, denial completely off the table for her too. Bargaining was less common in people who are trying to find a new normal after an accident. But why join a group if you’re already at acceptance?

“Yeah, Scott,” he mutters to himself, slathering a thick layer of peanut butter onto a piece of Rebecca’s bread. “Why waste time in a group if you’re fine?” Taking up space from someone who needs it more than him. Missing out on more time with the girls.

His nose starts running and he sniffs before clearing his throat in an effort to get his bearings while he finishes making the lunches for school tomorrow. With his eyes watering now too, Scott tilts his head and blinks rapidly, blindly sticking the sandwich together.

The garage door opens, his mom rushing in with an arm full of grocery bags and a toque pulled so far down that it hides her eyebrows. “Damn storm,” Alma mutters. “I brought- what’s wrong?”

Scott clears his throat again and shakes his head. His mom drops the bags she has right on the floor without a second’s hesitation. “Hi, Mommy.” His voice comes out more steady than he anticipated. Mentally, he gives himself a clap on the back. See? He’s fine. No need to get so worked up over feeling okay.

His mom’s hands are cupping his cheeks, thumbs brushing away tears that Scott knows haven’t fallen yet. “Scotty…”

Her eyes have started to tear up too and Scott sighs, dipping his head so that his forehead can rest against his mom’s. “I’m okay. I’m just thinking about leaving group.”

Alma presses a kiss to his cheek before pulling back to take a good look at him. “So soon?”

Scott shrugs at the same time he nods. “I don’t need it. I’m not-” he huffs a breath, pulls two pieces of bread from the other loaf he’s taken out so he can start Mollie’s sandwich. “I don’t miss her, Mom,” he confesses. “And with the girls having their own therapist, I think we’ll be okay. I don’t want to be taking up a spot that someone could really need.”

This time he slathers peanut butter, the crunchy kind, only on the top half of both pieces of bread. He makes sure it’s all the way to the edges before he adds grape jelly to the bottom halves. The two condiments sit separate on the bread so that each flavor is enjoyed individually, the peanut butter and jelly not even mixing at the middle where they butt up against each other.

“Who are you making lunch for, Scotty?”

His eyebrow furrows and he looks at his mom like she’s gone crazy. Pointing the butter knife at the sandwich he starts, “The only sandwich Mollie wil-” He looks down at the spread before him and realizes what he’s done. “Oh.”

This is Sarah’s favorite sandwich. The only thing she was able to keep down during her first trimesters, the only thing that managed to sit in her stomach when chemo had started ravaging her body in an effort to save her, as the cancer kept spreading from her skin to her bones to her brain.

The knife thuds against the butcher block. His mom places a hand between his shoulder blades but it does nothing to stop the sob that tears through him.

 

Scott keeps going to group. He figures that maybe he needs it more than he realises, and it’s not like he’s the only one working through complex emotions towards their dead loved one – Kurt and the anger he hasn’t dealt with about his sister not seeking treatment earlier, Anne and her wife’s lackadaisical attitude to her healthcare, Madi finding out that her husband was cheating on her when his just-out-of-her-teens girlfriend showed up at the funeral.

The meeting starts like usual, Amanda banging the gong and Tessa handing out this week’s baked goods (Nanaimo bars, which are definitely homemade even if he doubts it was by her). Amanda starts with one of her quotes, a good one this week, if he’s being honest. It’s something about how healing is about discovery, not recovery. If he wants the exact wording he could ask Tessa seeing as how she’s writing it down like it’s going to solve all her problems.

When Amanda asks who would like to share first both he and Tessa speak at more or less the exact same time. He offers to let her go first, of course, but she won’t agree to it. If she wants to act like a martyr then that’s her business, Scott has things he needs to say before he chickens out.

“I don’t miss Sarah the way I should,” he states. Tessa frowns, because of course she does. “I… things were difficult between us before she got sick.”

“We know you two didn’t have the easiest marriage, Scott,” Anne says bluntly.

“Yeah, but… the truth is that I was thinking about divorce before the diagnosis came. I just… I didn’t know how it would affect the girls. And then Sarah had cancer and that wasn’t an option anymore.”

“That’s bound to make things complicated,” Kaitlyn nods. “And I think it was so good of you to stay and take care of her.”

Tessa purses her lips, like she’s trying to keep something in. Her heels click loudly on the floor as she rearranges her legs, shifting in the chair. “You don’t agree, kiddo?” he asks.

She glares a little at the nickname, before saying, in a very stiff voice, “I’m sure you took care of her very well, and that she appreciated that, but it can’t have been easy for her knowing that you were just there because she was sick.”

That had been something that irritated him now and then, that Sarah didn’t seem grateful for what he was doing. And then he’d feel like a total pile of shit because wasn’t this what he’d signed up for when he took those vows - in sickness and in health?

(He doesn’t like lingering on the fact that he also said for better or worse, the latter being the state his marriage was in more often than not.)

He doesn’t think he’s ever considered that maybe she was bitter about that duty being the main reason he was still with her, and it makes him uncomfortable that freaking Tessa Virtue-Brady was the one to point out that possibility. “Maybe you’re right,” he acknowledges, and everyone around widens their eyes, looking between him and Tessa who seems just as surprised at his admission.

“What did you mean when you said you don’t miss her the way you should?” Kurt prompts. “There’s no right way to miss someone.”

Scott rubs his hands down the front of his jeans. “It’s like… I don’t miss her so much as Sarah, as I do the girls’ mom. She was a good mom, but we weren’t good together, not for a long time.” Maybe not since the start, when everyone had cooed over the cute story of the fireman meeting the ER nurse when he went to check up on a smoke inhalation patient. “I don’t miss her, not really. But I keep doing things she liked, even the things that always annoyed me – like making her sandwiches just right, or folding the clothes the weird way she did it, or using way too many pots to make dinner. And when I think about those things I get around to thinking about the bigger things.”

Like how it felt like she always had a wall up, that she was never putting in the same effort that he was to make things work, how she didn’t seem to get why he was so close to his family. And he knows that a lot of that was due to her own messed up family situation, but he had just wanted her to _try_. She always joked that it was a good thing her dad had moved from Halifax to Vancouver after the divorce because her parents needed the entire country between them. Scott had never found it funny, just sad.

“What were the bigger things?” Madi asks.

Tessa opens her mouth and then closes it again. He raises his eyebrows at her and she folds her arms over her chest. He nods at her and she sighs. “I just don’t think it’s the right thing to discuss all these things you didn’t like. We’re not here to speak ill of the dead. I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

Anne jumps to his defence. “He’s not speaking ill of the dead. And it’s healthy to talk about the things you didn’t like as much in your partner rather than idealising them.”

Boris’ chair creaks as he sits up faster. “Hey now,” he starts, hand coming up to rest over his heart. “Sure there were things that my Helen did that annoyed me, but I wouldn’t _dare_ say such things about her now.” He spares a glance at Scott. “No offense.” Scott waves him off, forces a small smile because he knows the old man doesn’t mean anything by it. He knows that whatever Boris and his wife had was a whole lot greater than what he and Sarah did.

“Is it awful what I’m saying then?” Madi asks from her spot across the circle. “Or what Anne says about her wife?”

Tessa doesn’t respond, just fixes her blazer. Maybe he’s wrong about her wanting to be the centre of attention, she seems to be shrinking from it now. She rearranges her legs again and he looks away. What kind of creep is he that he’s checking out her legs when he’s talking about his difficulties with Sarah?

Tessa might have a point in some of what she’s saying. Maybe some of the stuff isn’t necessary to share with the group, but he can tell them the main issue, the one he can’t seem to get away from.

“I used to go on walks, once the girls were asleep and Sarah was comfortable. Just had to get out, needed the air. And there are these trees lining the street, right? Nothing special, nothing to notice. But one day, I was looking up, and the tree in front of me had this really long branch. I mean, all the branches were long, but there was one growing out, hanging over the street. It looked like it was reaching for the one across the street. And it just, I don’t know... I _always_ tried with Sarah. I did. I _wanted_ to make it work. I felt like I twisted and reached and reached and she just... she could never meet me halfway.”

No one says anything for a while and when he finally raises his head he sees Tessa looking at him with an expression he doesn’t remember her giving him before – understanding.

—

It’s not that Tessa hasn’t thought about sex since Jonathan died, it’s just that she hasn’t felt the need to do anything. She’s been thinking about it in a mournful way – of all the moments they’ll never have again, of all the ones they could have had in the future. She hasn’t felt that hum in her veins, that want. And she certainly isn’t expecting to when she’s curled up under a blanket comfort-watching _One Tree Hill_. It had been her favourite show at the end of high school and through college (she’d even watched until the end as the business was taking off). Jordan still teases her about naming her son Nathan in tribute, but that’s not how it happened. Or not exactly. It’s just that she’d always liked the name since then, and when she looked up the meaning when she was pregnant and saw it meant ‘given’ it had felt so right. So it’s maybe a little awkward that the first thing to make her want to touch herself in about five months is a freaking kiss in the rain between that character and his wife on the hood of a car. But Jordan will never have to know.

It’s been so long that she doesn’t even know the best way to go about this. She hasn’t really masturbated that much since she moved in with Jonathan all those years ago – he’d asked to watch once but it hadn’t really worked that well for either of them, and any time she’d done it when he’d been away had usually been fast, to cure an itch. This feels like something she should take her time with though. The idea of doing it here on the couch with her DVD paused seems kind of grubby, and she thinks their bed would just make her lonely and sad. And then she thinks of the big bath in their ensuite and she feels this warmth seep into her bones. They’d had sex a few times there, maybe when they first moved in, but it’s not going to overwhelm her with memories like their bed would. And those memories are all sweet ones, of him at her back, taking his time with her. They hadn’t been trying then, not really, there was nothing clinical or pressurised about it. It’s the perfect place.

She goes to the kitchen and pours herself some sauvignon blanc, because if she’s going to enjoy herself she may as well do it properly. She only fills half a glass though, in case anything were to happen with Nathan. She’s conscious of him too when she takes the baby monitor into the bathroom, but she turns the volume down low. She won’t have to feel weird about having his steady breathing in the background but she’ll hear him if he needs her.

Tessa fills the tub, checking the temperature now and then as she pulls off her clothes and puts up her hair so that it won’t get wet. The water is perfect when she steps in, but that feeling of not knowing what she’s meant to do returns as she lies back. She takes a sip of the wine, allowing the tartness to luxuriate on her tongue before feeling it slip down her throat. It loosens her up a little, like she’d planned. She slips off her engagement and wedding rings and runs her left hand down her chest and under the water, over her stomach and her hips, dipping to trace her inner thighs. It’s clear how she’s filling out again, no longer as skinny as in the days and weeks right after when she had no appetite at all. She feels stronger now, her body more purposeful, even if there is this stupid little voice that tells her she might look better thinner. Deep down she knows that’s not true, she’d just looked unhealthy when she weighed less, not like someone anyone would want to touch like this.

Her breath hitches when she lightly drags her index finger over her folds. She hadn’t realised how wet she was already. She moves that finger all over her inner and outer lips, refamiliarising herself with how they feel, as she takes her other hand and passes it lightly over her breasts, tracking water up the valley between them and over her collarbone which rests against the back of the bath, exposed to the air. There’s no need to rush, and she thinks the anticipation makes it even sweeter when she finally lets herself touch her clit. She wishes she had someone here with her, she wouldn’t feel as silly letting out a moan because they’d have reacted to it, would have pushed down firmer and gripped her hip.

It must be Jonathan she’s imagining here with her, but she can’t quite see his face right now, and maybe that’s for the best. She can just focus on the sensation, on how good it feels, have a few minutes where she’s just herself, not a widow. She slides her right hand down to her clit and moves her left down further, circling her fingers around her entrance. For once, the only thing on her mind is pleasure. She inhales deeply when she dips one finger in, but it’s not enough, she wants to be filled. It’s better with two, scissoring them back and forth and being drawn in deeper, but she wishes that they were thicker, stronger. That she had someone here who wanted to make her feel good, alive, who she could do that to in return. Someone whose hands were maybe a little rough, but who touched her with care, who knew when she wanted fast pumps in and out, or soft strokes around and around. Someone who knew she wouldn’t break, but never pushed her further than she wanted. She’s on the edge now, and when she inserts a third finger her walls start to contract and she imagines lips on her neck, followed by teeth then tongue, and hot breath at her ear, whispering about how good she feels.

“So this is how you like it, kiddo?” the imaginary voice says, and like that the spell is broken. She removes her hands immediately, not caring about riding out the orgasm. Why the fuck is Scott Moir’s voice in her head right now? That makes no sense.

She dunks her head in under the water and shakes it back and forth when she re-emerges. This is insane. It’s terrible really, that his voice should be the one in her head, his hands… No. She is not fantasising about Scott fucking Moir. That is not what this is. She drains the rest of her wine in one gulp. She can’t be thinking about another man when her husband, her kind, caring, loving husband, isn’t even six months dead. And even if she were to do that, surely her mind wouldn’t turn to Scott?

Tessa clambers out quickly, draining the bath and towelling herself dry before cleaning up some water that had dripped over. She wraps herself in her dressing gown and decides to forget all about this. It was just a fleeting moment. It doesn’t mean anything, and it’s certainly not worth thinking about again.

 

Her resolve not to think about it doesn’t last long. It’s like Scott and touching Scott are the only things she’s interested in. She knows it’s awful, but it’s like she can’t stop. She can’t concentrate in group at all, keeps looking at how he moves his hands and imagining how they’d feel against her skin. She takes in how strong his arms are and thinks about how good they’d feel holding her close. She watches his mouth and dreams about what his lips might taste like, for once not paying attention to what he’s saying.

This causes a problem.

Amanda asks her what she thinks after Scott finishes speaking, and Tessa says “No,” rather loudly. She has no clue what he was talking about, but to her panicked mind it seemed like a reasonable and likely response based on their prior interactions. It was definitely better than saying that she was thinking back on last night in her bath when it had been his voice in her ear as she came.

Everyone looks a little surprised. “No?” Amanda repeats. “You don’t think Scott should take his daughters to church if they ask to go?”

Fuck. This was not the time to zone out.

“Uh… it wasn’t a hard no? It was more of a… not necessarily? Scott, uh, Scott should do what he thinks is right. If he thinks it would help them.”

He’s looking at her like she has three, maybe four, heads. “I should do what I think is right? I thought I was wrong about everything, kiddo?”

She is not getting wet hearing him call her that in person at group. She will not allow that to happen. “I… I never said you were wrong on everything.” Scott sounds like a good dad, he clearly adores his girls, and she would never want to make him question his skill as a parent.

Madi intervenes, and the look on her face makes Tessa think that maybe she has implied that Scott is wrong about everything. “What’s making you hesitant about taking them to church?”

He scratches at his neck, just above the collar of his Henley, and how on earth does that seem erotic to her? This guy is talking about his issues with taking his recently motherless daughters to church and she’s just checking him out. Is she really that bad a person? “I… I don’t know how I can go there now. I don’t… what if they ask me if God is real? Or where Sarah is? I don’t want to lie to them, and I don’t… don’t know any of the fucking answers.”

Tessa’s not sure whether she ever truly believed, and the last few years have taken her further and further away from faith in a higher power. Marian had prayed and prayed for a grandchild and had celebrated when Nathan finally came along, but Tessa had thought that if there was a god, he would have made life easier on someone who believed in him so much. He certainly wouldn’t take away a person like that’s only child.

She’s trying to tease out something to say to Scott, she wants to make an effort to help, but then Boris says something before she has a chance to try. “None of us have the answers, Scott. Maybe you should just be honest with the girls – tell them that you don’t know, but you know she’s happy and at peace.”

Scott considers this for a few seconds, then nods. “Thanks.” Tessa wonders if he’s thinking the same thing she is – that children like certainty, especially after upheaval. He might not want to disagree with the older man though. “Maybe Tessa has the answers though, in all those books she reads.”

“At least I’m reading about this. And doing the homework. Did you use your workbook at all this week?” She can’t tell if he was trying to joke, or if it was really as sardonic as it seemed to her, but she wants to go back to arguing with him. It’s more comfortable than thinking about the things she wants to do with him, or feeling sympathetic towards him. She needs to return to equilibrium. Or the closet thing she has to that right now.

“Some of us have busy jobs, Tessa. And can’t delegate what we do to our assistants.”

He’s looking at her dress, it’s one she wore to a conference last year. It feels too tight under his gaze, and much too fancy. She doesn’t even know why she’s wearing it. “I work.” It’s not her fault that her job is basically deciding who delegates what task to who. And she worked enough hours in the first few years to do her for most of her life.

“We’re all busy,” Amanda interjects, voice tentative. “Being here and giving each other our attention and respect is the most important thing. The workbooks are helpful, but they’re not the most important thing.”

Amanda sounds upset. It makes Tessa shuffle down in her seat. She knows this is Amanda’s first time facilitating a group, and the constant squabbling can’t be making things any easier for her. Tessa needs to try and be better. And not think about what Scott would look like naked.

With a deep breath, Tessa nods, murmuring an apology to Amanda.

—

It’s good to get out in the fresh air after being cooped up in that community room. He can breathe properly now, not have to worry about his every action being judged. But then when he’s just at the minivan he hears the clip-clop of high heels coming towards him. She’d been dressed even fancier today than usual, with those stilettos and a tight pink dress. It had made her ass look even more out of this world, though he felt kind of bad for noticing that when she so clearly disliked him.

He turns to find her with her hands on her hips, the big Tupperware box under one arm. “I think we should stop arguing. It upsets Amanda.” Her tone isn’t exactly that of a peace-maker.

“I’ve noticed that, too. But we’re not really arguing.” He knows he should have agreed and left it at that, but… there’s something fun about riling her up, getting under her perfect collar.

“Not arguing?” she repeats, raising her eyebrows. “If I say up, you say down.”

He shrugs, drawing the action out a little. “It’s not my fault you’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong!”

“Not about your kid,” he says, because he might be an asshole to her, and he might disagree with some of what she’s doing with her son, but he’s not going to make her worry about that little boy more than she already does. “But about finding everything in books. You can’t get an A+ on grieving for your husband.”

Her weight shifts from one foot to the other. He thinks it’s in an effort not to stomp her heel. “I know that,” she snaps.

“And your marriage wasn’t perfect.”

“How do you know? Just because yours wasn’t doesn’t mean mine wasn’t!” She doesn’t look so assured for a second. “Sorry, I…”

“It’s okay, kiddo,” he says, waving her off as he leans against the door of the van. “Probably your defence mechanism.”

She comes closer to him and he can smell this fancy vanilla scent. “Do not call me kiddo,” she bites out. “I created a company that is responsible for the employment of over one thousand people.”

He shouldn’t say it. It’s shitty of him, he knows. But he wants to see what she’ll do next. “That’s impressive… kiddo.”

“You are the most _infuriating_ man.” Tessa grabs his arms, the box clattering to the ground, her nails digging into his light jacket, and then she does something that completely surprises him. She kisses him, all tongue and teeth right from the start. At first he doesn’t know what to do, but then he pulls her against him and kisses her back just as hard. She tastes like those brownies she allegedly made, and her lips are so soft. He thinks he can feel her lipstick smearing onto him.

She steps back all of a sudden, but doesn’t leave his arms. Her pupils are blown wide, and she keeps looking from his eyes down to his lips. “I’m sorry… I don’t know why I…”

He’s about to let her go when she licks her lips while staring straight at him and he pulls her back, pushing her hair out of the way and murmuring into her ear, “You drive me crazy. I can’t get you out of my head.”

She kisses him again, somehow firmer, and grinds her hips into his. His hands go down to her ass and he squeezes, finding that it feels even better than it looks. She moans into his mouth and it’s like the sound moves through him, spreading all over. It’s embarrassing, maybe, that this is enough to get him hard, but Tessa doesn’t seem to care, rubbing herself against him, and then reaching her hand in between them and palming him through his jeans, like they’re not in the middle of a church parking lot. There’s a voice in his head telling him to stop and think, but nothing has felt this good in the longest time.

He unlocks the car and pulls back just enough to ask, “Do you want to…” and she murmurs her assent as he opens the back door and shoves the girls’ bags for dance and soccer out of the way before climbing in and pulling her onto his lap.

She unzips him and pulls down his jeans and then her hand is on him over his boxers and he needs something else to think about before he comes right now.

“What do you have on under that dress?” he asks, his voice so hoarse now.

Tessa, prim, proper Tessa Virtue-Brady, just pulls her dress up to her waist, revealing these emerald green shorts with black lace around the top.

“Fuck.” His hands go straight out to touch them, putting his fingers at her hips and dragging his thumbs across the silky front. She makes this sigh he wants to bottle.

“Are you wearing these for someone?”

“For me.” There’s that touch of defiance back again. “I like pretty things.”

“Apparently I like them too,” he says, half to himself. “Does your bra match?”

“That’s a stupid question, Scott,” she tells him and he holds onto her hips tighter when he hears his name. He’s not just faceless to her, not someone scratching an itch. She wants to be here with him. Her hand leaves his cock and goes to her back, the sound of the teeth releasing on the zipper loud despite their ragged breaths. When her dress falls down he sees that the bra does indeed match, and the colour looks even more intense against the white expanse of her perfect skin.

He lifts one of his hands and places it over her right breast, letting it fill his grasp. “Your boobs are perfect.”

One of her hands ends up at the nape of his neck, nails scratching hard into the skin. “And here I thought you didn’t have anything good to say about me.”

Scott bends his head so that he can take her nipple in his mouth through the green silk, still squeezing the other breast.

She rubs herself against him and it’s almost too much. “You’re so fucking wet, babe.” He can feel it through both their underwear. “Is that for me?” It’s a question he almost doesn’t want an answer to, but she gives him one.

“Yes.” She sounds so plaintive. “Want to feel you. Want to feel… _something_.”

He noses at her breast, nodding into the swell with a sigh. “I know, Tessa, I know.” He wants to forget, wants to lose himself in her.

“Can I…” Her hands go the waistband of his boxers and he nods, helping her pull them down. She stands, takes his hands to her underwear then, and they shimmy them down her thighs. He runs a finger down her folds once she’s straddling him again and can’t believe how good she feels and how good she sounds. And then her hand is around his cock and it feels like heaven.

“Can we…” She takes a breath and he sees more redness spread across her chest. “Do you have a condom?”

Fuck. “No.”

“I’m clean.”

“I had a medical for the station last month,” he says, before he can even take in what she seems to be suggesting. “And I haven’t… it’s been a long time.”

“I haven’t been with anyone but my husband since I was eighteen,” she says.

It’s like the world slows a little right then, like maybe they’re both deciding on the next step, and then she leans forward and kisses him, rubbing herself against him.

“What about… are you on the pill?”

She snorts. “No need for that. It took me three years and three rounds of IVF to get pregnant with Nathan.”

Even his addled mind thinks he should say something in response to this, but then she’s lining herself up and he can’t think about anything else.

He tries to memorise the feeling of Tessa sinking down on him, how warm and wet she is, how her hips feel beneath his hands, the sound she makes that echoes off the windows. He’s probably never going to get this moment again, and he wants to savour it.

There are tears in her eyes and before he can ask if she’s sure this is what she wants, she blinks them away and says, “Fuck me.”

This is one thing he’s not going to argue over. He slides down on the seat so that she won’t hit her head on the roof of the van as he thrusts into her and this new angle must be good for her because her eyelids flutter and she lets out this breathy little moan. Tessa starts circling her hips as he pushes into her again, and for once their working against one another becomes working together. It’s fast and it’s desperate and it feels like nothing he could have let himself dream about. There’s no cold or restraint about her here, she kisses fiercer than she argues and she’s soft and warm all over. He knows he’s not going to last, genuinely can’t remember how long it’s been since he was… and he’s not sure it’s ever felt like this for him before. He’s so _alive_ in this moment.

Scott slips his hand in between them, swearing at the wetness he finds there, determined that she should come before he does. It feels like the very least he can do after she started this. She’s so responsive when he puts his thumb on her clit, her body shivering and her voice rising, and he wishes he’d get to do this again, to see her messy and undone, to experience this with her in all the ways he could imagine.

She says his name when she comes, his name, “ _Scott, Scott, Scott_ ,” and his plan of pulling out just in case goes completely out the window as he comes so hard inside her.

It takes him a few seconds to realise that she’s no longer shaking from her orgasm but from crying. He doesn’t know what to say, so he wipes her tears with his thumbs.

She shakes her head a little and he stops, but it seems more like she’s trying to figure something out than her being mad at him. “Did you put our _come_ on my cheeks?” she asks.

And holy fuck, he did. He doesn’t let himself take it in, the cream on cream, just rubs it off fast before she freaks out, because while fucking in his minivan might have been a release for her, surely having their combined bodily fluids on her face is too much for the woman who straightens the pamphlets on the brochure table.

But then she laughs. And it’s not that polite little thing he’s heard her give to people over coffee and cake at breaks in meetings, it’s this huge, loud, kind of goofy, joyful sound that fills up the entire car. It’s the kind of laugh that makes people join in, and he does, and this just makes her laugh even more.

“This is so ridiculous. What am I doing?” The laughter starts to ebb away. “What are we doing?”

He grips onto her again. “Hey, don’t overthink this.” She snorts the way she does in group sometimes, and he can’t exactly blame her. Asking her not to overthink is probably like asking his mom not to worry. “We’re two people who are sad and lonely, and for a little while we helped each other forget about how shitty our lives are right now.”

She slides off him and he misses her more than he maybe expected. She zips her dress back up and fishes down on the ground for her underwear before pulling them back on. “It’s only been…”

“You’re allowed to feel good. You did…” Jesus Christ, he’s pathetic.

She looks up at him, eyes guarded. “I did.” He thinks that maybe she’s giving him more of herself now than she had before. “I shouldn’t have, but I did. We can’t…”

“We won’t,” he says easily, like he’s not going to spend the foreseeable future dreaming of this, and of all the other ways they could make each other feel good. “We don’t even have to speak about it again. Just… don’t beat yourself up about it, kiddo.”

He means it differently this time, it slips out with balm rather than acid, but she rolls her eyes at him all the same and the mood starts to shift to somewhere nearer their normal.

“I’ll try,” she says drily. “I… I guess I’ll see you at group sometime.”

“Yeah. See you then.”

He watches her as she climbs out of the door, picks up the abandoned Tupperware, and walks slowly into the darkening night. And then he closes his eyes and tries to catalogue every single moment and sensation so that none of it will be forgotten. They keep saying in group that healing is about discovery. And if the discovery for this week is how good his cock feels buried deep in Tessa's cunt, then so be it.


	2. oh what a sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your support of the first chapter! We are overwhelmed with how much you love our baby! We'd also like to state that we won't always be updating this speedily. 
> 
> Big thanks to the Writers' Guild, in particular awakeanddreaming, falsettodrop, and wishfulwannabe
> 
> Notices for this chapter:  
> \- All references to Dominicans refer to the Catholic order, not the nationality  
> \- It lives up to the E rating  
> \- This chapter contains some references/discussion of struggles to conceive

**_April 2018_ **

Tessa doesn’t know how she got home.

She drove, obviously. She’s sitting in her car outside. But she has no memory of the journey. All she has is a pleasant ache between her legs, some marks on her hips, and slightly swollen lips. She feels drunk. The events of the past hour or so have to have been a dream. But she can still feel him, still see the evidence of what they did. She just fucked Scott Moir in his minivan in the parking lot of a church. Jesus Christ.

She slips on her trench coat and grabs the empty Tupperware from the seat beside her (Nanaimo bars always go down a treat). Jordan calls her name as soon as she gets in the door and she goes down the hallway towards the living room, hovering but not going in. Will her sister know?

“Hey Tess. Nathan went down nice and easy. Only five repeats of the farm story. How was group?”

“Uh, good. Usual stuff.” Nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever.

“Did you and Scott get into it again?” There’s a little teasing in Jordan’s tone.

“You could say that.”  

Her sister raises her eyes as she stuffs her laptop back into its carrier case. She must have been working. “Oh?”

“Just the same old, same old.” There’s a part of her that wants to tell her. Maybe wants to shock her. Wants to say, ‘Hey, we fucked in his car and I came harder than I have in as long as I can remember.’  Jordan had always wanted her to go out and experience things, had advised her to take a break from Jonathan, not to tie herself down so young. Tessa feels thoroughly unmoored now.

“Do you want to hang out for a little bit? Have some wine? We could talk about it if you like.” She doesn’t deserve her sister’s kindness, all that she’s been doing for her, going as far as transferring from Toronto to London after the accident. Jordan says she was thinking about doing that anyway, but Tessa’s not convinced.

“I’m pretty tired. I think I’m going to shower and then head to bed. Thank you so much for staying with Nathan.”

Jordan waves this away. “It’s nothing. He’s the perfect date. Tells you you’re pretty and wants to play with Legos. Will I come over tomorrow?”

“We have Charlie Junior’s party in the afternoon.” If Jordan hasn’t noticed something’s up, will Tanith?

“I’d offer to go with you, but that sounds like hell, honestly. The only kid parties I’m interested in attending are Nathan’s.” Her sister hugs her and Tessa hopes that she can’t smell her sin. Jordan moves back, squishing up her nose a little. “You smell like a man, did you have to do some hugging thing again?”

Tessa laughs, a little brittle. “Yeah, you know Amanda and her kooky exercises.”

“It sounds like she means well though.”

“Yeah, she does.” Should Tessa leave group now? Find a new one? Scott was there first.

“Let me know if you want me to come over after you get back from Tanith and Charlie’s.” Jordan presses a kiss to her temple. “Love you, Tess.”

“Love you, too,” she says absent-mindedly.

When the front door shuts, she goes upstairs to Nathan’s room. She doesn’t go in, just watches him sleeping. He’s so peaceful, so perfect. Most nights if he’s asleep when she gets back she goes in and kisses him softly, but that doesn’t feel right tonight. Not after what she’s done. He’s so, so like Jonathan – not just with the hair, but in the way he’s holding a scrunched up fist just under his chin. She used to watch Jonathan some nights when she couldn’t sleep, in the early days of the business, or those hard years when despite everything they tried she couldn’t get pregnant. He always looked so calm, like nothing was the matter, and it made her feel like maybe things would work out. And they had, until they hadn’t.

Bile rises in her throat – the taste of betrayal, all hers. It’s not even six months yet, not until next week. How could she do this?

She goes to one of the guest bathrooms, tearing off her clothes, not even bothering to take off her makeup as she turns the shower on as hot as it can go. She wants to wash it all away. How could she have been so cruel? How could she have been so stupid? She’s never had sex in a car before, never in public. Anyone coming or going could have seen them. They hadn’t even used a condom. How does she know he wasn’t lying about being clean?

And then she feels even worse. Scott has been nothing but honest with her (overly so, most of the time). And yeah, they don’t get on, but she doesn’t think he’s a bad person. He seems like a good one. She’d been the one to throw herself at him.

She feels so dirty, rubbing and rubbing at her skin, trying to make it all go away. But when her hands skim over her breasts, over her hips, her legs, she remembers how good his touch had felt. How incredible his lips had felt moving with hers. How the moment she’d slid down on him had felt like this perfect moment of bliss. Beauty in a wasteland. If he was here with her right now she’d do it all again. Again and again and again and again.

Tessa doesn’t know where she goes from here.

—

‘ _What the fuck’_ is the phrase repeating in Scott’s head as he drives home. Now that the moment has passed and Tessa is gone, he’s really starting to wonder if he’d made the whole thing up. Why would Tessa Virtue-Brady kiss him in the middle of a parking lot, a _church_ parking lot, and then fuck him in his minivan? That sounds more like a weird fantasy than an actual thing that happened.

But it had. If he looks in the rearview mirror he can see the imprints of her lips on his face, he can smell her perfume and that telltale scent of sex all around, he thinks he can maybe even feel her come on his jeans. They’re his good ones, he’d been planning on wearing them to that party for the kid on Mollie’s hockey team tomorrow. He’ll have to throw them in the wash as soon as he gets home. Should he Febreeze the car too? All the girls’ stuff is in the back, he should take that in with him in case they go running out to get it before he has a chance to clean up in the morning.

He manages to rub away the faint lipstick marks on him before he meets his mom at the front door. “I’ll take those bags for you, Scotty.”

“Thanks, Mom.” She hurries to the back of the hall and sets the bags down before grabbing her coat.

“I need to be going, I promised Carol I’d help her out with the raffle for the Easter picnic.” His shoulders sag a little when he glances at his watch. He’s used up more of his mom’s time than he realized. “How was group?”

“Uh, good. I’m sorry for keeping you so late, I stayed talking to a friend afterwards.” He hates lying to his mom, feels a little worse when she gives him a wide smile.

“That’s great, honey. I’m really glad you’re sticking it out, I think it’s going to be more beneficial than you can see right now.” She squeezes his arm and gives his a quick hug before heading for the door. “Oh, did you come any closer to figuring out if that lady is making those baked goods herself?”

“I’m still not convinced.”  

His mom shakes her head at him before calling out a goodbye.

Scott goes straight to the small, cramped room off the kitchen that works as a laundry room and throws in his clothes and the girls’ training gear on a fast cycle. He pulls on some sweats and a t-shirt that he’d folded earlier but hadn’t had time to bring up to his room.

“Daddy?” It’s Becca. He goes  into the kitchen to find her waiting for him

“Hi sweetie, is everything okay?”

Her grin is sleepy but her eyes are more alert than he was expecting. “I just wanted to see you when you got home.”

He wraps her into a bear hug. “Were you waiting up?” There are guilt pangs growing now. She nods her head into his neck. “You know it’s important for you to get your sleep, honey.”

“I was at Ellie’s when you went to group so I didn’t get a hug before you left.”

“Did you have a good time?” He should have asked that earlier, been excited to catch up with his oldest for the first time all day. This Tessa thing is throwing him.

“Her mom made pizza from scratch!” He smiles at the excitement in her voice, and then his smile lessens when he thinks Becca won’t have that, not a mom doing it for her anyway.

“Was it delicious?” He rubs her back as she nods again. “Do you want some water before going back up to bed?”

“Yes please.” She disentangles her arms from around him and goes to sit at the table. She sits right at the head of the table, the spot she’s always held. There are still teeth marks in the wood from where she’d chew on it when she was teething.

He fills glasses for them both and sits down next to her, smoothing his hand over the table he’d made when they first moved in. “Did Ellie’s parents bring you back?”

Becca swallows her water before answering, Mollie would have just started speaking straight away and made a mess of her shirt. “Yeah, and then we played Snakes and Ladders with Grandma before Mollie went to bed. She cheated again.” Becca pouts slightly.

He nudges her leg with his own. “It’s just a phase, she doesn’t get why it’s unfair right now. You used to be a little cheat too you know.”

“Was not!” She looks horrified by the accusation.

“Was too!” he teases. “You used to steal all my money in the kids version of Monopoly.”

Becca folds her arms. “Maybe I just didn’t understand the rules then.”

He laughs. “Sure, we’ll go with that.”

His daughter tells him a little more about her day at school as they drink up their water, and he lets her talk until she starts yawning. “Bedtime now, okay?”

“Okay,” she agrees easily, slipping off her chair. She hugs him extra tight before going upstairs.

He washes their glasses, and sends a text to his mom thanking her for clearing away the dishes he and Mollie had used for dinner that had been drying by the sink. He checks the washing machine and waits out the rest of the cycle watching hockey replays in the living room.

As he’s putting his jeans into the dryer he thinks of Tessa’s hands on them. He wonders what she’s thinking about all of this, if she’s worrying about whether she should have been home with her kid instead too. He hopes she’s not regretting what they’d done. It’s a different situation for her though, what with her husband’s death being so sudden and the relationship she’d had with him. He figures it probably wasn’t as perfect a marriage as she makes it out to be, but it was probably still a better one than him and Sarah’s.

He tugs at the chain around his neck. Should it be this easy to be with someone else so soon after she passed? Should he be feeling guilty about that? He knows he would probably have been dating by now if she hadn’t got sick and they’d divorced, but Sarah had got sick, and they hadn’t divorced. He and the girls had lost her. Is he just letting her down all over again?

He wishes they did have a manual for all this, though somehow he doubts that even the most detailed one would have advice on what to do in this situation. But who knows, maybe Tessa has read just the right book for this. Not that he could ever ask her though.

He has no idea where they stand, even after what just happened.

At least he has a week to make some sort of sense to it.

—

She doesn’t notice him at first.

Tessa is too busy fussing over Nathan, her little boy nervously humming close to her leg as he watches the other kids play. She knows he wants to go over and join, can see his eyes light up at the legos being used to build a little town, but most of the kids are a little older and ones he’s never met. But then Jenny comes over and, excited to see his best friend, Nathan opens up and goes with her to play.

Tanith comes through, already looking half exhausted from all the kids piled into the house. “Thank god, a parent I don’t want to kick,” she sighs when she pulls Tessa in for a hug. “CJ’s friends’ parents _suck_.” Tessa laughs lightly, the sound growing when Tanith starts shaking her head. “You think I’m joking, but I’ve already opened a bottle of wine. I hid it behind the cake in the fridge, you’re more than welcome to it.”

Nodding, Tessa asks if there’s anything she can do to help, only to laugh again when Tanith very seriously asks for some of the wine.

Tessa stashes the present for the birthday boy among all the others before slipping through all of the parents and kids she doesn’t know. A little girl tips back in her chair, too excited about the tiger face paint the… ninja (or at least she thinks it’s a ninja; Tessa isn’t sure what the theme of this party is) just completed. Tessa is quick to stop her from falling all the way to the ground and she’s surprised to see the little girl is laughing instead of being scared at her descent. “Thank you,” the little girl says to her before roaring. “I’m a tiger!”

“So ferocious,” Tessa exclaims, exaggerating her features so that the little girl will believe that she’s scared.

The little girl shakes her head quickly, her dirty blonde hair that was already half out of her ponytail falling out even more. “I’m a nice tiger! Like Tigger!” She jumps up from the chair so that the next kid can get their face painted. There’s some commotion going on in the family room and it’s followed by lots of high pitched squeals from the kids. The little girl is off, fast as a light, but not before shouting over her shoulder, “I like your heart!”

Tessa giggles, smoothing down her shirt, fingers lingering on the heart stitched into the fabric. With her path clear once more, she finally gets to the kitchen and finds Scott coming in from the other side.

She stops abruptly, eyes wide.

He can’t be here. She’s not ready to see him.

At the exact same moment, they ask, “What are you doing here?” Scott smiles and it’s a little tight around the edges, she thinks. He clears his throat. “Uh, CJ is on Mollie’s hockey team… How do you know Charlie Jr? Isn’t your son younger?”

She nods, moving to the island in the middle of the kitchen where there are stacks of cups and plates. She needs to keep her hands busy and her eyes not on him. She thought she’d have at least a week to figure out how she was going to act around him now that they’ve fucked in the backseat of his van. But, of course she runs into him the next day. As if life hasn’t been hard enough. “Jenny, his sister, is Nathan’s best friend. I know Tanith and Charlie from college,” she explains. Scott nods on his way to the fridge. It feels awkward in here but Tessa isn’t sure if it’s because they mostly dislike each other or the fact that they know what each other looks like mostly naked (or at least she had been). He opens the fridge and lets out a small _a-ha_ before turning around with the wine bottle in hand. “Hey, how’d you know that was there?”

“Tanith sent me in to get her a cup since her friend hadn’t reappeared yet.” He pauses, eyes darting between her face and her hand which is closed around a paper cup. “You’re the friend.”

“I am.”

They’re saved from talking anymore, at least for a moment, because Tanith bursts in, face half painted to mimic… Tessa’s honestly not sure. “There you are!” Tessa doesn’t know who exactly Tanith’s talking to but it doesn’t matter because she walks up to them, quick to grab the bottle of wine from Scott. “You two would probably get along well,” she says before taking a long swig straight from the bottle. “Remind me to never host a party in my house ever again.”

Charlie comes in next and Tessa has never seen him look as crazed as he does now. And she’d seen him during fourth year finals and the various stages of app development. “We gotta change schools,” he mutters as he walks up to them. “These kids are _assholes_.” His eyes dart between Tessa and Scott. “Not yours, obviously.” Tanith hands the bottle over and Charlie takes a gulp before passing it to Scott, who shrugs before taking a drink too and then offering it to Tessa. She stares at it for just a quick moment and then drinks some too.

“You know,” Scott starts, a more genuine grin pulling at his lips. “I didn’t really think that going to kids parties was going to include drinking, but I’m glad it does.”

They all laugh, even Tessa, and she hates that she does and she hates that she notices Scott’s smile grow when he looks at her.

 

She wonders if Tanith would be opposed to opening another bottle of wine.

Tessa has been politely talking to some of the other parents at the party and it’s honestly exhausting. They keep asking her how she’s coping, or if she’s ‘okay’ in that specific ‘poor you, your husband died’ tone. Most of them she has only met briefly, at business or charity events, and some she hasn’t even met before at all. They just feel that they can ask because they know who she is. Sometimes Tessa thinks there’s an undercurrent to what they’re saying, one that seems to suggest that maybe she should have been expecting something bad to happen when life had been going so well and they’d been so successful. Like karma killed Jonathan, not a drunk driver at seven fucking a.m. The kids run crazy but no parent seems to take responsibility, not at all stepping in when there’s fighting or making a holy mess of the house. Across the room, Scott is talking with a mom Tessa managed to escape earlier and she can tell he’s just as uncomfortable as she had been.

She worries her bottom lip. “Fuck it,” she mutters under her breath, no longer willing to stick to her plan of ignoring Scott when she sees him start to fidget. She excuses herself and makes her way over to Scott. “There you are!” She puts her hand on his arm, gives it a small squeeze. He turns around and she smiles at how relieved he looks. “How have you been?”

After making his own excuses, he turns to Tessa and leads her to an area that seems to be void of parents. “Thank you,” he sighs. “I couldn’t escape.”

“I talked to her for fifteen minutes and I don’t think she stopped to take a breath once.”

“I believe it.”

Nathan runs in from the other room, Jenny and the little girl from earlier hot on his heels. “Mama,” he says, breathless, and Tessa crouches down, fingers instinctively straightening out his glasses before brushing his curls back. He looks a little upset, his cheeks flushed and his eyebrows dropping down beneath his frames. He trips over his words which only makes tears gather in his eyes quicker. Jenny hugs him around the neck, sad look on her face too.

“Mol, what happened?”

The little girl from earlier, Scott’s daughter she’s realizing now, puts her hands on her hips. “Ben pushed him!” Nathan nods and then taps Jenny’s hands so that he can burrow himself in Tessa’s arms. “He didn’t even say sorry!”

“Thank you, sweetie,” Tessa says as she cuddles Nathan closer. She tucks her head so she can whisper in his ear. “Are you okay, my love? Any bumps or bruises?” Nathan shakes his head but still clings to her tightly, little whimpers filling in the space between them. Logically, she knows he’s fine but her baby is so sensitive that her heart aches for him.

“Where’s this Ben at, Mollie?” Scott asks.

Tessa looks up at him sharply. “I can handle this myself.”

His cheeks color a little but his face looks apologetic and open and it reminds her a little too much of last night. She turns her attention back to Nathan even as Scott says, “Of course you can, Tessa. I was just trying to help.”

She doesn’t need his help. If they were in group, she’d snap at him as soon as the thought hit her, but their kids are here, Jenny too, and she just… Tessa sighs. “I think maybe we’re going to head out. It’s close to nap time which can’t be helping matters.”

Scott nods, shoving his hands into his pockets. She thinks those are the jeans he was wearing yesterday. She wonders if there’s any of her come on them and her nose wrinkles at the thought. They’re at a children’s birthday party, for Christ’s sake. Scott’s daughter clears her throat. “Is Ben gonna get a time out?” Despite herself, Tessa smiles at the inflection of the little girl’s words, the way her voice gets louder, more forceful, when she says ‘gonna.’ “He can’t go around pushing babies!”

“Mollie, Nathan is hardly a baby.” Tessa’s skin prickles. She knows, logically, that Scott is right, but Nathan is still her baby. She can’t imagine not thinking of him that way. “But, you’re right. Pushing is always wrong.”

Mollie is still wearing a hardened pout when she looks at Tessa. “Is he okay?”

Tessa smiles. “Yeah, he’s okay. Thank you so much for looking out for him, Mollie.” Gently, she squeezes the girl’s shoulder. “It’s very nice of you to look out for the littles.”

“Becca is always looking out for me,” she says brightly, her features falling back into something more playful.

“Is Becca your sister?”

Mollie nods, looking between Tessa and Nathan’s face. She jumps a little in her spot suddenly. “Wanna go get your face painted?” She gets further into their space and Tessa can see Scott wanting to pull Mollie back, shifting on his feet and hands coming up only to hang awkwardly in the air. “See, I’m a tiger! You can be one too!”

“No, a lion,” Jenny yells excitedly. “Natey, a lion!”

Nathan shifts against her, his head popping out from the crook of Tessa’s neck. “ _Lion King_?”

Jordan had played the movie for him a few months ago and it had become a favourite. Tessa didn’t like him having that much screen time, but he seemed content enough to just watch in twenty minute segments. At least the songs were good. “Yes, honey, like _The Lion King_. Would you like that?”

Mollie holds out her hand. “Do you wanna come with me?”

Nathan looks up at Tessa and she rubs his back, smiling. He nods, first at her, and then at Mollie whose hand he takes before toddling off, Jenny at their heels.

Tessa stands back up, rubbing her jeans, trying to rid them of any dust they might have picked up. “She’s a really sweet kid.” There’s something quite like Scott about her, that stubborn tilt to her head maybe. Scott beams, every bit a proud father, his eyes still on the kids who are making their way up to the facepainting station. “Do you think the facepaint is hypoallergenic?” Maybe she should go ask the artist.

Scott puts a hand to his face and she’s pretty sure he’s stifling a laugh. Tessa’s eyes narrow a little. Why had she come to save him from that awful mother again? “I’m sure it’s fine.” Then he frowns. “Though if Nathan has sensitive skin, maybe best to check it out.”

“No, I just… well, I worry.”  She remembers then that Tanith had her face painted, and she’s incredibly careful with her skin. It must be fine.

There’s a lull between them and when she looks at him, she finds him already looking at her. “Tessa.” He clears his throat and she starts to get anxious, every hair on her arms standing up. “Do you want to talk…”

“No.” She cuts him off as fast as she can. “It was…” Somehow she can’t bring herself to say that it was a mistake. Not when it made her feel so good. “It happened.” She takes a deep breath and swallows hard. Looking out at the party is the only thing she can do now because she can’t look at him. “And it won’t happen again. We should just move on.”  

A pause. “Okay.” She can hear him shuffling his feet but doesn’t look in his direction.

She can’t read him but the air feels thick. Tessa opens and closes her mouth twice like some sort of fish. She doesn’t want to talk and yet there are so many questions on the tip of her tongue. She can feel a headache forming between her eyebrows. There’s no way she can just walk away from him. It feels rude and mean and something inside her doesn’t want to leave him with the impression that she regrets it. Still, maybe _he_ does. “Do you…” She clears her throat and steels her voice. “Should I find a new group? If it’s going to be awkward?”

This time time it’s his turn to respond quickly. “No, of course not. We’ll be fine.” She can feel his eyes on her but she just… she can’t. “We’ll, uh, just move on.”

“Okay. Thanks. I’ll, um… I’m going to head out and see how Nathan’s doing.” She gives him a tight smile, one quick glance because she wants her skin to stop burning with his gaze, before leaving the room. She tries not to think about how good he looked working his fingers through his hair or how nice he smelled or how cute his little girl was.

Things will go back to normal soon. They must.

—

He realized yesterday that he can’t work on any of his projects. He had tried, thinking it was the perfect thing to take his mind off of Tessa, only to nick himself three times, once on his palm and twice on his fingers.

Now, Scott turns to the only other thing that lets his mind rest.

He’s jogging on the treadmill that’s shoved into the corner of the living room, working on his second mile. He focuses on his breathing, steady through his nose, but still finds his mind drifting to how Tessa felt all around him, how pretty she looked at the party so dressed down, how sweet it had been to see her with her son.

Groaning, Scott ups the pace in hopes that running faster will get his mind off her. It doesn’t work but what does is the scream upstairs, immediately followed by Becca’s shrill, “ _Mollie_!”

Marner’s nails scrape and clack on the hardwood floors, silence found for only a few seconds, no doubt as he kicks up the rug in the hallway. Quick as can be, the dog is running down the steps, looking both ways once he’s at the bottom, though his hind legs don’t seem to get the memo. Scott watches the dog continue to slide and can’t help but laugh as Marner sort of rolls as a result, skidding until he hits the front door.

“What a silly dog you are,” he laughs, meeting him in the entry. He scratches behind the dog’s ear as Becca stomps out of her room and stands at the top of the stairs. “What were you yelling at your sister for?”

“She ripped a page out of my book!” He's too far away to get a clear look at her eyes but he can tell just from the tone of her voice that she’s about to cry.

“Aw, Becca,” Scott sighs. He takes the steps two at a time. “We can buy a new one.”

She shakes her head, lips pursed and curled tight. “It was a _library_ book!” Once he’s on the same level as her, he goes to pull her into his side before thinking better of it, scooping her into his arms instead. She’s getting too old for this, insists more often than not that she’s a big girl now, so Scott relishes in the fact that she comes willingly, wrapping her arms around him tight.

“We can pay for it then,” he explains gently. “It’s okay, I promise.”

Mollie’s head pokes out of the door, looking every bit as upset as Becca is, except there’s the added fear that she’s going to get in trouble.

“What if they don’t let me check out books anymore?” Becca cries. She takes his face in her hands. There’s polish on her nails, a little messy. He wonders if she snuck into one of the boxes full of Sarah’s things that he kept. Maybe things like nail polish and makeup were some of the things he should’ve kept out. Not that the girls are ready for makeup outside of playing dress up.

It’s still something they did with Sarah a lot, even towards the end. His heart clenches. He thinks he’s made a mistake.

But that’s not the focus right now. Becca is still talking to him, nearly nose to nose. “... and then they’ll cut up my library card and I won’t be able to read any books ever again!”

Scott wants to laugh but doesn’t, knowing that will only make Becca more upset. Besides, he doesn’t want to belittle what she’s feeling. He remembers Sarah telling him how quickly her parents used to tell her how to feel or put her down her emotions. Whereas his parents always encouraged him and his brothers to show emotion and be emotional, Sarah was taught to bottle up or risk being judged for her feelings.

“We can’t ever make her feel like that,” Sarah said, her voice more serious than he’d ever heard it. “Never.”

He hugs Becca close, running a hand up and down her back. “Just take a deep breath, baby.” It takes a few tries but Becca eventually manages to breathe deeply without hiccuping. “Tomorrow we will go to the library and explain what happened. I bet they’ll understand.” He lets his head rest against hers. “I don’t think you’re the only one this has happened to.”

There’s a puff of hot air on his neck. “Daddy, I have dance and you have group tomorrow.”

His shoulders sag. “Then first thing Saturday morning, okay? I promise.” Becca nods but it feels reluctant. He wishes he knew what to do to fix this now but he comes up empty. “How about you go take a shower while I talk to Mollie?” He drops his voice to a whisper. “And maybe we can sneak into that bag of cookies Grandma brought.”

Becca pulls back, sniffing but nodding again. “Can I have two?”

Scott smiles. “Of course.”

He finds Mollie sitting in the bottom of the closet, arms wrapped around her legs, her old stuffed Eeyore against her chest. Before he can say anything, she whimpers, “I just wanted to read too, Daddy.”

He crawls in next to her, not caring that he takes down a few shirts and hangers or the fact that he almost hits his head on the lower bar. “I love how excited you are to read, Mol,” he says. She looks up at him with big wet eyes and he stretches his legs out so she can climb into his lap. “But you can’t try and take things from your sister. And other kids will want to take that book out from the library too.”

“I know, but, but, but.” Mollie hits her head against her chest, irritated at how she’s tripping over her words. “I asked her to read out loud but she said no.”

“Oh, baby.” He cradles her head against him, his fingers working to comb the knots out of her curly hair. “I could read to you if you asked.”

“I wanted Becca to,” she asserts. She wiggles then looks up at him. “Sorry, Daddy.”

He presses a kiss to her forehead. “S’okay.” He sighs and starts rocking Mollie back and forth. “I know you like hanging out with Becca, but sometimes she needs a little space.”

Mollie’s eyebrows furrow. “Why would she want that?”

“Because she likes to be alone sometimes and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that you love being around people.” Mollie lets out a little harumph. “I know it seems silly. You’ll understand when you’re older though.”

He’s glad that line doesn’t annoy her yet. He thinks it’s already irritating Rebecca.

“Okay,” she sighs. There’s a pause and then, “Do I have to take a bath tonight?”

Scott laughs, laughing a little harder when Mollie giggles too. “Yes, my stinky bug. You had hockey practice.”

For the rest of the night, he stops lingering on what happened last week, stops thinking about Tessa completely.

Until he dreams.

—

Tessa hasn’t been this nervous about going to group since her first one. She’s not even sure if she was that nervous then, but she hadn’t fucked any of the members at that point. Not that she’s going to do that again (even if she did buy condoms. Just in case).

Scott doesn’t really look at her when he comes in, he doesn’t even seem to check on what she’s baked this week to tease her about it. That feels weird somehow. He’s fidgeting more than usual, and after Boris talks about having the first major family party without Helen, and Madi discusses how she felt seeing her husband’s girlfriend on the street, he speaks up.

“I slept with someone.”

Tessa digs her nails into her palms and keeps her eyes on the ground. The carpet could do with a clean.

“What?!” Anne sounds surprised, and then tries to modulate it. “Uh… where did you meet them? How… how do you feel?”

He won’t say. She doesn’t know him well, but she knows this deep inside herself, in a way she can’t explain. “Uh, it was at a bar,” he lies. It doesn’t help her breathe any easier. “Just a one-time thing, it won’t be happening again.” _No, it won’t_ , she thinks as she raises her head a little, just as high as the level of his hands. He’s clasping and unclasping them and all she can think of is how strong and steady they’d been at her hips. “I’ve just… been confused about it ever since, I guess. It’s not that I feel guilty… Maybe I should, but I don’t. I just never expected it to happen so soon or…” He exhales so loud and heavy, Tessa thinks she can feel it all the way across the circle. “Yeah.”

“Did you have a nice time?” Boris asks. Tessa can feel Kaitlyn giggling beside her as her chair moves slightly.

“Uh, I don’t… Yeah. It was…” He pauses, and then says nothing. She tries not to feel self-conscious. She knows he had a good time, is probably filtering himself because she’s here, but Tessa’s skin still crawls a little. She remembers Jordan telling her to get more experience way back when. She starts scratching hard at her forearm.

“Well, if you were ready, and it went well, that’s good!” Madi says. There’s a fake brightness to her tone.

There’s a murmur of agreement around the room, and then Anne says, “You’ve been very quiet, Tessa.”

“I, uh…” She looks up at the bright lights overhead, trying to avoid looking at him, or anyone else. “I can’t. It’s too soon. For me,” she adds quickly. She’s not even sure if she means the sex or talking about it.

Boris squeezes her hand. “That’s okay, dear. There’s no rush. You have all the time in the world.”

She smiles at him, even though it’s hard for two reasons. One, she’s not exactly being truthful. And two, she fucking hates that phrase now. Jonathan had all the time in the word until he’d been taken away from her and Nathan and everyone else who loved him.

The rest of the meeting passes in a bit of a blur. She gets caught in the bathroom trying to console Madi who’s upset because she thinks that if she were to go out and sleep with someone her family and friends would all judge her. Tessa hugs her very tight, and after she’s gone spends a long time drying her hands under the shitty dryer.

Scott is waiting for her when she gets outside, and this doesn’t surprise her for some reason she can’t quite pinpoint.

“I’m really sorry,” he says immediately. “I would never have said anything that made it clear it was you, but I should have asked you first. I’ve just been…”  he rubs his forehead. “I don’t even know.”

“We should talk about it in the car.” There’s no need for that, not really. Everyone else seems to have already left. But he doesn’t mention this, just walks over to the minivan with her. They both sit into the backseat and she notices that it’s tidier this time, no bags or hair things. There’s no need for them to be sitting here rather than the two front seats either.

They’re both silent until he says, “I’m still a little in shock that it happened.”

Tessa swallows hard. “Yeah. Me too.”

“Do you…”  He takes a breath, and when she watches him she thinks he looks vulnerable. “Do you regret it?”

“I…” Does she? “I don’t think I should have done what I did, but… I don’t know if I’d change it. It was good, right? For that time I only felt good.”

“It was good.” His voice sounds just like it had last week. She hates the relief she feels at knowing it _was_ good for him and that she didn’t make an ass out of herself.

It would be easier to turn her head and kiss him than to keep talking. And she wants to. She wants to so badly. All she wants to feel is him. Her fingers curl in her lap. She hopes she isn’t breathing too loud. It feels like she might be, all the signs of a panic attack bubbling up inside her. Her chest is heaving and god, who was she fooling? Getting in his car, sitting so close that touching him would be easy, natural. How did she think this would end up any different?

He tentatively puts a hand over her white knuckled fists and it’s all she needs to turn into him, to push herself against him. His lips are slightly chapped, but she loves how they feel on hers, loves when his teeth nip at her bottom lip experimentally, learning from her responses what she likes. She needs him closer and she curls her fingers into his shirt, his hand falling firm on her thigh. She wishes he’d go under the skirt of her dress so that she can feel the burning of his touch again. At the very same time, she wishes she could stop this, remove herself from the car.

She’s already fretting the comedown, the knots that formed in her throat and her chest and her stomach when they were finished last time waiting in the shadows, eager to swallow her whole again.

She squeezes her hands tighter. Her wedding ring digs into her skin.

“Kiddo,” Scott says, breathing labored as he pulls away. “You’re shaking.”

He looks so sincere.

Tessa puts her hands over her face, murmurs an apology in between deep breaths. She hates this. She hates wanting this and not wanting this. “We don’t have to do anything.” His voice is so quiet that she almost misses the words. “You can leave. I won’t… You don’t need to worry about me.”

It would be unkind to tell him that she doesn’t. She swallows hard. “I want to feel alive again,” she admits instead, hands dropping limp in her lap. “I know it’s not going to last but, I just… I can’t stop thinking about it.” Desperation colors her speech, the taste of it thick in her mouth. She never expected to be looking for a form of salvation in a minivan.

Scott pushes her hair back, exposes her collarbone and neck. “I’ve got you.” He lays kisses down the neckline of her dress, his hand moving down her side. “I’m gonna take care of you.” Scott nudges her, hands gentle and guiding until her back presses against the door. He’s still kissing his way down her body, over her clothes, and Tessa is struck by how strange this is while at the exact same moment being so comforting.

There’s no pressure at all. She feels content for the first time since they fucked before.

He checks in to make sure she’s comfortable and when she nods, he sinks down to the floor, pushes the skirt of her dress up around her hips. His finger trembles as he drags it over her cunt. “This is my favorite color,” he admits. She wonders if there’s enough light for him to see the wet spot on her deep blue panties grow at his words. Surely he can feel it.

Encouraging her to spread her legs, Scott watches her as he dips his head forward to lick a long stripe against her. Her eyes shut. She feels the action in her gut, the friction of the fabric and his tongue against her making the muscles in her thighs twitch. No one has ever tasted her through her underwear, another first for her to experience without her husband.

“Take them off,” she says, voice somewhere close to a whine. She needs to stop thinking.

He complies and if she were going to analyze every moment of this, to allow herself to think objectively, logically, Tessa thinks she would be embarrassed. Spread out, half-naked in a minivan in a church parking lot, brazenly telling a man to strip off her underwear.

But Tessa is concentrating on her feelings and she knows that Scott’s tongue in her cunt would feel amazing so when he starts to kiss at her thigh, she threads her hand in his hair and moves him where she wants him. He groans and she feels it against the most sensitive parts of her. She spreads her legs a little wider, her heel getting caught on the headrest of the seat. There’s no time to reposition because then Scott is licking her, tongue flat and broad along the length of her cunt and _god_ she didn’t realize how much she missed this.

It’s different from how it was with Jonathan. Of course it is. She had _years_ with her husband. He could pull things from her that she’s never been able to replicate, knew all her idiosyncrasies. If this were him, he’d be running his tongue delicately over every fold before sucking in as much of her cunt as he could, knowing she loves the contrast. He’d give her the slightest bit of pressure at her entrance with his tongue, bring his hand up to press that same amount of pressure against her asshole. Jonathan had  been the only person she’d done this with before now, her high school boyfriend having never acknowledged it as an option.

Scott is firm in everything that he does. His tongue is heavy and firm as it parts her, laps at her, pushes inside her. His hands grip her thighs hard and Tessa feels each and every fingertip where it digs into her skin. His nose is always working her clit, rubbing at it in a way that she’s never thought to do herself. When he does come up to suck her clit into his mouth, his chin nestles against her, keeps the entirety of her cunt pressed against his face. He uses his teeth to scrape across her and she’s done for, her thighs shaking, aching to close around his head as she comes.

He rests his head in the cradle of her hips while she comes back to herself, desperate to breathe normally again. Her heart beats loudly in her ears and she’s slick with sweat and come but she feels _amazing_ , the high from last time lasting longer now. “You’re really vocal,” Scott says against her. She can feel the wetness on his face smear to her skin as he talks. “More than before.”

Tessa hums a little, closes her eyes because it seems easier to focus that way. “Hopefully not too loud though.”

Scott’s next inhale is shaky. “Loud and vocal are both good things, kiddo.”

She doesn’t want to move a lot just yet so she settles for knocking his head with her thigh. “You’re never going to stop with the nickname are you?” His no is said, open mouthed, against her skin. It takes another minute of so before she nudges Scott up and she finally manages to get her heel down from the seat, though it is only kept on her feet by the tips of her toes. “My turn.” She looks down at his crotch as he rests on his haunches, leans forward to palm him over his jeans. He lets out a breathy sigh she wasn’t expecting and her lips quirk in response, runs her hand heavy over the fabric.

Slipping to the floor, she’s surprised when Scott, very clearly, says, “Tessa, no. You don’t have to.” She cocks her head to the side. Don’t guys want this? Jonathan always had. “I didn’t – I don’t expect you to.”

“I know.” She puts her hands on his thighs, drags them up so her fingers can run along the button, the zipper. “I’m here because I want to be.” Her thumb rubs over the metal circle, pushes it through the hole, pulls the zipper down. His cock bulges beneath his boxers in the newly opened space.

If this were Jonathan, she’d mouth at him now, through the fabric, run her tongue along the length of him, tug at his boxers with her teeth. But she doesn’t know what Scott likes, doesn’t know if what worked for Jonathan will work for him. The nerves start building up inside her again, her hands shaking slightly as she dips her fingers into the waistband of his clothes so that he can help her get them out of the way. It’s strange, how her anxiousness both swells and abates when his cock is revealed to her. She feels almost virginal again; excited to wrap her mouth around him and scared that he won’t like it.

“You don’t have to,” he reiterates.

She licks at the underside of his shaft, from base to tip, and he groans so loud, hands fisting at his sides, that she thinks she’s doing okay so far.

“You can touch me,” Tessa tells him before taking the head of his cock between her lips. Her tongue swirls around him, traces the ridge of him, lets her teeth drag over him. She sinks lower, lips tight around him, when she feels his hand threading through her hair. It’s not until he holds on to her tighter that she hums appreciatively and she’s treated to his hips thrusting shallowly up into her mouth. He must feel bad about it because his grip eases again but Tessa simply takes him further, her tongue firm against him, and sucks.

“Fuck.” Her head bobs a few more times before she replaces her mouth with her hand, stroking him steady as she goes to lick at his balls. “Ah –  no,” he stops her. “That, uh, no thank you?”

He’s strangely polite about it. “Not your thing?” He shakes his head. That’s all she needed to know. Guess she would have to mix up her moves with him.

She takes him in her mouth again as far as she can, gagging lightly when he hits the back of her throat. Unlike Jonathan, he seems to like that, if the moan he lets out is any indication. She sucks, steady and hard, swallows around him as she gets her nose to his pelvis.

He talks constantly. The entire time he sings her praises, the background noise to this blowjob an endless string of “you are amazing,” “you look so pretty like this,” and “you’re doing so, so well.” It’s reassuring and comforting in a way she wasn’t expecting, especially not when she has a dick in her mouth.

“I’m not – I’m close,” Scott warns her as she suckles hard at the tip of his cock, his precome coating her tongue.

Spit hangs in strings between her lips and his dick. “‘Kay,” she exhales before diving back in.

Tessa can hear her name among his curses, even over her own heavy breathing as she jerks him off fast with one hand, making sure her ring rubs along the pronounced vein along his cock, knowing it will make him twitch under her touch and leak into her mouth. She envelops him completely, slowly drags her head up, her teeth and tongue creating different sensations on either side of his cock, her hand following in the wake of her lips. She only manages to do that twice before he’s coming in her mouth. It surprises her so much that she pulls back a little and the rest of his come lands on her lips, her chin, her cheek.

Scott’s head is thrown back against the seat, arm slung over his eyes. “Sweet christ,” he exclaims.

She pats his thigh and he looks up in just enough time to see her lick her lips. “Are you always going to get come on my cheek?”

His laugh is hoarse and his soft dick stirs against his thigh. “Sorry.” There’s still the lift of laughter in his reply but she can tell he means it sincerely. It makes her smile as she wipes away the rest of the evidence with her fingers and licks them clean. There’s still some come left on him and there’s an internal debate as to whether she should use her mouth to clean him up until he says, “There are some napkins in the glovebox.”

He palms her ass when she turns and bends to get the napkins, making her movements stutter and the slickness between her legs grow. He lets out a noise that’s caught between a chuckle and a moan at the feeling of her pressing into his touch. Maybe they won’t even need the napkins.

The glovebox falls open with a click and oh. “Napkins aren’t the only thing you’ve got here,” she drawls, grabbing a handful of the contents. Facing him once more, she lets the condoms and a baggy of weed hang from her fingertips. His eyes bug out of his head and Tessa laughs so hard, she thinks the van starts to shake a little.

“The weed isn’t mine,” he rushes out, sounding every bit like a caught teenager. “It’s left over from Sarah’s treatment. I didn’t want it in the house and – ”

“And you didn’t think to flush it?” she quips.

His cheeks are definitely pink. “Okay, so maybe it _is_ mine now but I haven’t – I don’t want to – the girls would have to be gone for the night for me to even try.”

She nods. She hasn’t smoked since college and the idea of doing so again when she has to be a responsible parent has her freaking out already. “And the condoms?”

He’s more sure of himself this time. “I didn’t want to presume but I didn’t want to be left unprepared either.”

With her free hand, she digs around into her purse and pulls out her own row of foil packages. “Great minds.”

Scott quirks an eyebrow. “Oh, I’ve got a great mind now?” He lets out a whistle. “I must be doing something right.”

“Put one on before I change my mind.” She pushes the ones she brought to his chest and then turns around to put his and the weed back into the glovebox.

“You don’t want to do the honors?”

She shakes her head, watching as he rolls the condom over himself. “I haven’t used one in six years. I’m not sure I remember how to do it right.” She almost mentions how she doesn’t much care for them either, but that seems too personal for someone she’s just hooking up with. It’s not even like this is going to be a regular thing.

He palms at her thigh, fingers skirting along her ass and she straddles him.

All other thoughts go out the window the minute he slides in.

—

“You sure you’re up to help?” Anne asks once Scott opens the door.

“Hello, Anne! Hello, Anne’s son! So nice to meet you,” he answers, holding his fist out for the little boy to bump.

Anne rolls her eyes. “Hi, Mr. Moir. I’m Sammy.”

The kid gives a solid fist bump. “It’s okay to call me Scott.” He ushers them inside, even as Anne continues to list all the reasons he doesn’t have to lend a hand today. Scott hunches over a little. “Is your mom always like this?” Sammy’s uncomfortable smile tells him everything he needs to know.

“Stop that,” Anne says, words punctuated with a slap to Scott’s back. “Sammy, what do you say?”

“Thanks for helping me with the router saw.” It’s obviously a practiced answer and if Scott knows Anne as well as he thinks he does, he has no doubt she was drilling it into him on the way over even though the kid is eleven.

Still, Scott can tell the thanks is genuine so he smiles and pushes up his sleeves. “Come on then, kiddo.” After the word comes out of his mouth he thinks he might have to reconsider using it with actual kids now.

It takes about a half an hour for Sammy to make any real progress but after many a practice board, Scott can tell he’s well on his way to mastering the curved edges the boy needs for his school project.

Anne gives him a smile and a very dorky thumbs up when Sammy shows off his first proper piece. “Thank you,” she says when Scott plops down next to her on the old couch he has shoved in the corner of his work shed. “Beth was the one who would’ve taken care of this.”

Scott cocks his head. “She did carpentry too?”

“God no. She was just the more butch one.”

He finds himself laughing at Anne’s wry smile. “Now, now, I think that’s a potentially harmful stereotype there, Anne.”

She shrugs. “I’m gay, Scott. I’m allowed to tell you my wife was butch.” There’s a comfortable lull between them as Sammy keeps practicing until Anne crosses her legs and says, “So what’s going on between you and Tessa?”

His heart _definitely_ starts beating too fast but Scott thinks he manages to keep his face cool. “Uh, nothing?”

A hard line appears between Anne’s eyebrows. Her thick black glasses somehow seem more menacing at the moment. “You guys were weird at the last meeting.”

Scott drops his head, wishing he had something in his hands to distract him. He settles on running his thumb down center of his palm. “I don’t know about her but…” he sighs. He wants so badly to tell Anne what happened but it’s not his place, not when she knows Tessa too. “Do you think I made a mistake?”

Anne glances at Sammy before turning on the couch, head propped up on her elbow. “Do you?” He looks at her from the corner of his eye and it makes her laugh. “No, I don’t. You’ve been alone a long time, Scott. You deserve to feel good. It did feel good, didn’t it?” He nods, eager, before he can help himself. “Well there you go, then.”

“Sarah only just passed,” he reminds her. It feels disrespectful even though he knows that Anne is right.

Anne shrugs. “I’ve thought about other women. Would probably go for them too if I knew they were queer.” His eyebrows raise in surprise which makes Anne shove him lightly and roll her eyes. Every time she rolls her eyes, he hears his mom in his head, saying that eyes can get stuck that way. “I have _needs_ , Scott. I haven’t been celibate this long since I started having sex.”

“Beth’s been gone nearly a year. Sarah– ”

“Will you just shut up for once? Grief doesn’t follow a timeline,” Anne says. “There’s no right way to do it. Isn’t that what you’re always harping on about to Tessa?”

She’s got him there.

“I’m really surprised that she didn’t say more, actually.”

“What do you mean?” He presses his thumb down on his palm a little harder.

There’s a dull thud as a piece of wood falls to the floor as Sammy finishes the curve he was working on but neither of them react past a glance to make sure everything is still okay. “She usually has so much to say, especially about you.” Anne taps a finger against her chin. “Maybe she’s already seen someone.”

Scott resolutely shakes his head, eyes firm on his feet. “With how she talks about her husband?” There’s a lump in his throat that’s threatening to take over and it suddenly feels a million degrees in his workshop. Anne must be on to them now. He is doing a shit job at acting natural.

“You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?” Anne laughs. “I bet she’s wild in bed. She looks like the type.”

He somehow manages to ask, “Have you thought about this?”

“Hell yes, I have! I have eyes, Moir.”

It’s Anne’s turn to look towards the floor but she’s wearing this smile that Scott’s never seen before. “Your son is here,” he admonishes, swatting at Anne’s knee. Surely that’s the only reason Scott’s skin is crawling. Not because he feels… what, entitled to Tessa? Possessive? They fucked twice. She isn’t his anything and she’s not going to be.

Sammy turns off the router then, setting the machine down carefully before taking off the protective goggles Scott gave him. “I am going to kick this project’s butt!”

“Language!” It’s almost impressive how fast Anne slips back into the role of parent.

Later, when the house is quiet and he should be asleep, he thinks of Tessa. He thinks about how easily Anne read her, about how sad she looked after the first time, how guilty the second. He thinks about how her body felt beneath his hands, about her laugh, about the dorky way she had turned around after she got out of his van last week and waved at him, cheeks still pink and hair a mess.

He thinks and thinks and wonders if they’ll get to do all of that again.

—

A meeting in Toronto was the perfect excuse to go shopping, or at least that’s what Jordan kept stressing on the drive into the city.

Nathan is at home with Kate and Tessa wants nothing more than to be back in bed with him. Jordan is a perfectly safe driver but spending so long in the car is making Tessa squirm in her seat. They should’ve taken the train in. She probably should’ve invited her mom to come with so she could spend the entire drive cuddled up to her baby.

Jordan had pulled the sister card though and, truthfully, Tessa can’t remember the last time just the two of them hung out. Amanda had said something in group a few weeks back about how important it is to nurture the relationships they have left. It’s time to start living a little again, instead of just surviving.

Her meeting goes smooth and quick, and she meets Jordan down the street from the office for a quick lunch at Jordan’s favorite place. From there it’s to Eaton Center where they both spend way too much money (Jordan on shoes, Tessa on books plus a slew of clothes for Nathan), then a short drive up to La Nuit so that they can indulge in some lingerie.

She already owns quite a few pieces, the drawers in her closet littered with scraps of lace and silk and sometimes boning. Her love started with her wedding and grew as the business did, but Jonathan always seemed to get more of a thrill seeing her in his old college hoodie than anything scrappy and see-through. He was appreciative, always told her she looked beautiful…

His responses were nothing like Scott’s.

They’ve only been together twice but each time there were comments on her lingerie and Tessa can’t deny, not to herself, that it felt so, so good to be complimented on something that made her feel good. She hadn’t realized how much she ached to be touched through her underwear, how she wanted to preen under a hungry, lustful gaze when she’s dressed up in so little.

It makes her want to get something for him. And, well, if that comes with the added bonus of wearing something she _knows_ Jonathan never saw, then so be it.

Jordan hooks a red lace bra around her, lifting her boobs so they sit better in the cups. “I don’t know if I like this.” She’s frowning in the mirror, still fiddling with her breasts because they’re not sitting nice.

Tessa grabs hold of the top of the cups and gives them a little jiggle. “Are you sure this is the right size?” Tessa asks. Jordan’s left boob keeps overflowing which is strange given that it’s her smaller one.

Jordan huffs and unclasps the bra. “Too much work,” she grumbles.

Tessa pulls one of the fancier sets off the hanger. The cups and band are nothing but leavers lace and there’s an open V in the middle where the cups meet. It’s strappy on her shoulders, and there are little lace accents below the underwire too. It feels amazing on her skin, comfortable while still being sexy and beautiful. She twists to each side, bends at the waist to ensure her breasts will stay inside the cups. They do and, satisfied with the little test she’s put the bra through, she stands up straight with a pleased smile on her face.

“That’s fancy,” Jordan comments, slipping into the bra she wore in. “The kind you show off.” There’s a teasing wink from Jordan and Tessa knows that her sister means nothing by it but her stomach starts to churn nonetheless.

“Who would I be showing this to?” she says, voice quiet and wobbly.

Tessa unhooks the bra, quickly trying to hang it back up so they can leave. “Whoa, whoa.” Jordan jumps up, hands going to Tessa’s arms. “I’m sorry,” she says seriously, looking at Tessa like she’s something to be pitied. “Too soon for that.”

Tessa swallows hard. “Too soon,” she repeats. She hates how those two words seem to encapsulate everything she’s felt since the accident. Jonathan was taken too soon, she went back to work too soon, tried to find a new normal too soon, fucked someone new too soon.

When will everything stop being too soon?

Jordan hugs her tight and murmurs more apologies in the depths of Tessa’s hair until Tessa feels like she can breathe a little easier.

She buys the bra and the delicate thong and robe it comes with because she felt great in it. She wants to do more things that make her feel like that. There’s not much joy in her life anymore outside of Nathan.

On the drive home, Jordan turns down the music they’ve been bopping along to and Tessa can tell she’s about to use her lawyer voice from the way she straightens in her seat and pushes her hair behind her shoulders. “I promise I won’t say anything more,” she starts, fingers flexing along the steering wheel. “But I do want you to be open to that in the future.”

“Open to…?”

Jordan doesn’t betray anything but calm confidence when she answers, “Being with someone. Even in the most barest sense.” Jordan reaches for her hand blindly, knowing that Tessa will worry if she takes her eyes off the road.

Tessa takes Jordan’s hand and squeezes tight. “I already had my happily ever after.”

She watches a few different emotions pass over Jordan’s profile. “Someday, I know you will find someone else who you’ll want to show all your pretty things to. Maybe that’s all you’ll want. Maybe you’ll want to show them more too.” Jordan laces their fingers together. “He wouldn’t want you to shut out something that could make you happy.”

Jordan puts on her blinker, pulls into the side of the road. Hazards on, she turns in her seat so that she can look at Tessa head on. Taking Tessa’s other hand too, Jordan takes a deep breath. “You don’t have to have one happily ever after. You deserve _all_ the happiness, Tess. I don’t know what that’s going to look like, but promise me, please, that you won’t dismiss it so easily.”

All she can think of is Scott’s lips on hers, his hand in her hair, his voice in her ears.

“Okay,” she exhales.

Maybe, one day, she’ll tell Jordan she doesn’t have to worry about this.

—

Scott feels kind of stupid just loitering outside his minivan, but then he hears a pair of high heels walking towards him. He turns to see Tessa tucking her hair behind her ears. It’s down in loose curls this week rather than tied back or put up.

“Hey,” he says, like they haven’t just spent two hours together.

“Hi.” She’s blushing a little.

He taps his hand against the car door, his wedding ring making a tinny sound. “So, uh, do you wanna…”

Tessa places her hand on the door too, her fingertips almost touching his. “Yeah. If you’d like.”

They’re so polite here, no one listening could tell what they’re planning. Which is a very good thing as Boris appears beside them. Scott has no clue how neither of them heard him approaching.

The older man puts a hand on each of their shoulders, looking between them with a soft, easy smile. “It’s been so nice to see the two of you getting on a bit better.” Scott hopes they weren’t really disrupting things for everyone beforehand.

“We’re sorry about that,” Tessa says. Her eyes look a little anxious.

Boris chats for a few more minutes, talking about his grandkids, and Kaitlyn and Madi pass by too. It definitely hadn’t been this busy in the parking lot the last two weeks.

Once they’re finally alone again Tessa breathes out a deep sigh. “We shouldn’t do this.”

His stomach drops. She’s probably right, but, fuck, he doesn’t want this to end.

Her voice brightens. “Do you want to come to my house? It’s not too far.” He’s slightly concerned that his mouth might be hanging open. “Nathan is at my mom’s, we’re staying there tonight. But I have stuff to get at home anyway, and, uh… Only if you want.”

“I want.” Her face relaxes again at this. “I could follow you?”

“Yeah, sure.” She smiles at him before walking over to her fancy car.

He follows her out of the parking lot and down the road, unsurprised when she heads in the direction of Lakeshore Drive, that upmarket new estate. He and Sarah had gone to a showhome there when she was pregnant with Mollie, but it had been out of their budget. Tessa drives past the entrance though, over along by the cul de sacs of even fancier houses where Charlie and Tanith live and then into mansion territory. He could tell she was well-off from the car, and her clothes looked expensive too, but this is big money. Tessa had never given off any of those assholish airs and graces. He gulps when she pulls in at a gated entrance and enters a code. There’s a winding hill to climb and then he sees the house. It’s fucking huge, could not have cost less than five million.

Tessa looks sheepish once they’re both out of their cars and he wonders if she’s rethinking this. “I know it’s too big,” she says. “No one needs a house this big, especially not for two people.” She punches in another code at the door before unlocking it.

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

All she gives him in response is an eyebrow raise.

He tries not to do something stupid like gasp when they go through the front door. The hallway is huge, this massive open space that reaches up three storeys, complete with a sweeping staircase. How much does this place cost to insure? “Okay, maybe I would have said something.”

She lets out a short laugh, dropping her keys in a bowl on a hallside table decorated with photos. “I thought we were going to fill it up with kids.”

He doesn’t know how to respond to the sadness in her voice so he looks at the pictures. They’re family ones, lots of Nathan and then ones of Tessa and a man who must be Jonathan. He’s not what Scott expected. A suave businessman is who he’d pictured, but Jonathan seems to have been a kind of nerdy looking guy with fluffy blonde curls, about a head taller than Tessa. He looks friendly, and Tessa looks radiant, relaxed and happy in a way Scott has never seen. Nathan’s resemblance to his dad is obvious, and Scott wonders if that makes things harder or easier for Tessa. He likes seeing Sarah in his girls, the pieces of her that live on. He’s not sure if he should mention Jonathan or not, she’d already sounded so vulnerable talking about her plan to fill this house with their kids. Maybe he shouldn’t just let that go unmentioned.

“I’m sorry. That that didn’t happen.”

Tessa seems a little surprised, and then she smiles, sad and soft, but still a smile. “I am too.” She takes a deep breath, it rattles a little on the exhale. “So, would you like anything to eat or drink?”

“No, I’m good, thanks.”

She shifts her weight from one foot to another. “This feels kind of weird, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.” He’s glad one of them has come out and said it. “You’re still sure this is what you want?”

Her hands go to his hair and she leans in to kiss him. He encloses her in his arms where she seems to fit so naturally. The weight at the pit of his stomach lifts as he concentrates on the way she’s moving her tongue and on the little sounds she’s making. She steps back after a few minutes and he wants to pull her into him again. “Do you want to go upstairs?”

He nods, and she takes a tight grip on his hands and leads the way, up the wide, imposing set  of stairs and to the first bedroom on the right. It’s clearly a spare, spotlessly clean with no personal touches, just tasteful decorations. And while it’s big, it’s definitely not big enough to be a master in this house. It makes sense that she isn’t taking him to the room she shared with her husband, it’s not like he’s surprised. If they were in his house it would be a different story, the spare room is so cluttered that there would be no room on the bed. It’s covered in boxes of Sarah’s things that he wants to keep for the girls. There’s more of her in the spare room than there is in what was their old bedroom. She hadn’t slept there for about eighteen months before she passed, the stairs too much for her so they’d turned part of the living room into a bedroom.

“Scott, can you help me with my zipper?”  Tessa has stepped out of her shoes and he kicks his own off before going over to her.

“Of course.” There’s a slight shake to her hand as she removes it and he runs his hand up her side as he pulls it down, revealing the back of a black lace bra.

She steps out of the dress and turns back towards him. She seems nervous, he thinks, just as he realises that he’s never seen this much of her all at once. And fuck, there’s a lot to take in. He doesn’t let his gaze linger though, moves closer because he wants to touch her now, and maybe out of some protectiveness he didn’t know he had for her. When his hands touch her over her bra, the skimpy lace rubbing against his palms, he can feel her relax.

He drops his head to her neck, kissing her there and then down over her shoulder. “You’re gorgeous.”  He moves his hand down her stomach to the shiny piercing that surprises him. “I wasn’t expecting this.”

“I’m not quite who you thought I was?” she teases. She most certainly isn’t. “I got it when I was a teenager, I put it back in a few weeks ago. It was stupid really.”

“It’s stupid hot,” he says, stroking it with his thumb, his other fingers splayed out over her stomach, moving with her body as she laughs.

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” she informs him, a little prissiness in her tone.

“I agree.” He pulls off his sweater and the t-shirt underneath, throwing them on the floor before Tessa reaches for his jeans, unzipping them quickly and dragging them down his legs. He grabs the condoms he’d stuffed in the back pocket before he got out of the car, placing them on the bed.

He sits down on the edge, easing her down into his lap. He puts his hands back to her bra, stroking her nipples with the lightest of touches. “This is pretty.”

“They’re new,” she tells him, voice breathy. It’s like she wants him to know he’s the only one who’s seen them other than her.

He kisses her, taking his left hand down to trace over the top of her underwear. “You like wearing stuff like this?”

“Makes me feel good.” She keeps running her hands up and over his chest, like she can’t get enough.

He dips his thumb under the hem of her panties, placing his mouth right at her ear, “Do I make you feel good?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she says, so full of need and want that it cuts him open a little. “I want you inside me.”

He tugs her underwear down, and then his boxers. He’s a little surprised to see her unhooking her bra when she’d been nervous about being exposed earlier. He puts his mouth to her breast, kissing and sucking, as she hums above him. When he puts his fingers on her thighs, starting to draw them in between her legs, she says, “I’m ready now, don’t need that.”

“Fuck.” She’s soaking wet.

“That’s what you do to me.” Scott doesn't know how to begin to explain the things she does to him.

Tessa lies down on the bed and he pulls on the condom, making sure it’s secure, before joining her. They both moan as he enters her, louder than they ever got to be in the car. They can move around more here too, switching positions as they use the full of the super king bed. He can touch her perfect, soft, bare skin all over and work to make her moan louder and louder. There’s no one passing who might hear or see them here.

It's so easy to know what Tessa likes from the noises she makes or how she moves against him, encouraging, insistent when she needs to be. She’s so open here.

They end with her left leg hitched over his shoulder, he’s deeper in her than ever before and it’s unreal, the feel of her walls contracting as she arches her back, overwhelming him. He says her name over and over again, thrusting one last time before joining her in oblivion.

He kisses her left hip after he pulls out, thinking about lowering his face to go down on her when she sits up a little, her thighs closing just a fraction. He pulls back without a moment’s hesitation.

“Um, I really need a glass of water. Would you like one too?”

He gets up, Tessa points him towards the ensuite before he has to ask what to do with the condom.

She’s still sitting on the bed when he comes back out. “I’m just going to go throw on a robe,” she tells him, combing through her hair with her fingers.

“Sure. I’ll, uh, just get dressed.” He should probably be heading home to the girls, and Tessa needs to go to her mom’s.

When he leaves the room she’s standing in the hall, trying to tie a short, black silk dressing gown. He helps her with the belt.

“It came with the lace set,” she explains. “I didn’t think it would be this complicated.”

“Were you always into, uh…”

“Lingerie?” she provides, voice coloured with amusement.

He follows her back down the stairs. “Yeah, your pretty things.”

“I always liked it. Jonathan… he didn’t really see the point. I think he liked seeing me the way I’d been back when we first got together.”

Scott doesn’t want to hear about her husband in this context. The idea that he’s being compared to Mr Perfect isn’t a comfortable one. Even if it seems as though she likes how much he likes her silky, lacy things, there’s no way he’s going to come out on top compared to her husband. This, sex, is the only thing they have. He wants it to be just about them.

The kitchen is gleaming, white marble and white cabinets. Tessa pours them both glasses from the sink. “Oh, I put Mars bars in the freezer before I left, do you want one?”

“You put them in the freezer?!”

“You haven’t had them like that before? They’re delicious.” She bends over to open a smallish freezer at the bottom of the fridge. They’re on top of endless boxes of Tupperware, carefully marked with notes in different handwriting.

“Are you still working through the casseroles or are people still making them for you?” he asks.

She hands him a Mars bar, one of the fun size ones that come in multipacks, rolling her eyes a little. “My mom and my mother-in-law are still making them. And coming over to make sure I eat them.”

He thinks back on how Tessa had looked that first meeting and realises that she’s less gaunt now, her face fuller and her body curvier. “My mom and my sister-in-law are still making me some too.”

He copies what Tessa is doing, turning the bar over and over in her hands, warming it up. “They shouldn’t be too hard.” She opens up the packaging and takes a bite.

He follows suit. “You’re right, this is great.” They’re much tastier this way. “You should take these to group instead of continuing to pretend that you bake.”

She laughs, that amazing loud one. “I bake! I saw you eat two of those millionaire shortbreads.”

“You _brought_ them, I’m not convinced you _made_ them.”

“You’ll just have to come watch me bake sometime then.”

“Maybe I will.” He steps into her space, reaching out to wipe some caramel off the side of her mouth. “We always seem to get your face sticky.” He swallows her laugh with his lips. She tastes just like the frozen treats, sweet and slightly bad for him. He rubs his hand over the smooth material at her waist, it’s so delicate against his skin. “I should probably go home.”

“Okay.” She kisses him, quickly, like it’s an impulse. “You just need to press the button on the wall before the gate, you can reach it from the car.”

“I’ll see you next week?” He moves his hands up and down her sides, reluctant to leave all of a sudden.

“Like this?” She says it as if she’s afraid of hearing a no, as if he could give her one.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

She smiles, her cheeks going a little pink. “I would too.”

He kisses her again, softer than he has before, a kiss that’s not going to lead anywhere else. “I’ll see you then.”

The hall feels lonely as he makes his way back to the front door, and he wonders if that’s what it feels like for Tessa living here.

On his way home he stops to buys some Mars bars to put in the freezer for the girls for after dinner tomorrow.

—

Tessa is so, so grateful that the bereavement support meetings are held in London’s Methodist church and not its Catholic one. She doesn’t know how she could keep coming here with Nathan to meet Marian and Frank every Sunday if she had fucked Scott in the carpark. Though presumably she would never have started anything with him if she had met him here, where Jonathan was an altar boy, where they had attended mass every week, where they were married. Surely she’s not that depraved.

Nathan had been dawdling this morning, more interested in playing with his Legos than in getting dressed in chinos and a little shirt, but they manage to make it in before the first hymn. Tessa makes the sign of the cross with holy water on his forehead, but leaves her own dry. It had always been Jonathan who did that for him before.

They make their way down the aisle, receiving nods and sad smiles from the families Tessa has come to know since Nathan was born and Jonathan wanted to start coming here as a family with his parents. Before that, more often than not, they’d spent Sunday mornings in bed with brunch and the papers (and before that again they’d spent Sunday mornings in bed having sex). She’d stopped coming for a few weeks after the accident, but having them there meant so much to Marian that she couldn’t end the arrangement permanently.

Marian smiles when Tessa sits down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and squeezing. Frank reaches over her and pats Tessa’s hand before holding his arms out to Nathan who gives a huge hug to him and then his grammy. They stand up as the choir begins to sing and the priest processes in.

As she listens to the words of the Penitential Act, Tessa wonders if she should go to confession even though she’s not Catholic. She has greatly sinned - in her thoughts, in her words, especially in what she has done but also in what she has failed to do, and it’s all her own most grievous fault. Just two days ago she took Scott into her house, came with him buried deep inside her in the house she lived in with her husband. But she doesn’t want to stop, and isn’t that part of confession, making an effort to change?

Jonathan is dead. He isn’t coming back. He will never touch her again and she won’t get to do that for him either. So it’s not cheating to do these things with Scott. It’s just physical, two people working through their grief. She can fuck Scott in her house, or in his car, and still remain faithful to Jonathan in every other way. She can love him, she can raise his son, she can care for his parents, she can manage his business. She will be his wife in every way she still can. Just not that one.

She joins in with the some of the words of the Gloria, “Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.”

Her attention drifts during the Liturgy of the Word and as the priest gives his homily. He’s a nice man, Father Peter, ageless, with no pretensions. She doesn’t remember much about the funeral, but she remembers that he spoke with kindness and sincerity and he never tried to make out that there was a reason behind the tragedy of Jonathan’s death, at least not a reason knowable to anyone left behind. He does tend to go on a little though, rarely speaking for less than twenty minutes. Marian always rolls her eyes and says, “He’s a Dominican!” as if that explains it all.

Tessa thinks he might be more liberal than other priests, or at least that’s what she wants to believe. He’s never brought up anything that’s made her consider leaving anyway. Maybe that’s why she feels comfortable coming here even though she’s not religious. She knows that Marian and Frank’s views on some social issues are closer to her own than those of the Church anyway. She’ll always remember a barbecue at the Brady’s house the first summer she’d been dating Jonathan back in 2005. It was right after same-sex marriage had been legalised nationally and one of Jonathan's holier-than-thou aunts was saying how dreadful it was. Marian, whom Tessa had thought to be so quiet and unassuming for the past few months of knowing her, put her nose in the air and said, “If two men or two women getting married lessens marriage for you, that says more about the state of your marriage than of theirs, Peggy. God made them all in his image, and I think he knew what he was doing.”

She smiles thinking about that as Marian and Frank pass her to go up to receive communion. Nathan starts chatting a little louder during all the movement, he’d been just murmuring to his little plush cow before. She listens to him tell her all about what Buttercup has been doing.

There aren’t too many announcements for once so they get out early, and after a few minutes of talking to the other members of the congregation they make their way to Marian and Frank’s house for Sunday lunch.

Tessa changes Nathan into something a little less fancy while Frank checks on the roast and Marian starts preparing the vegetables. She’s been offering to help for years but they never take her up on it, saying that the dessert she makes is her contribution. This week it’s a banoffee pie, one of Marian’s favourites.

Dinner is the same as usual, a little quieter in the past few months with Jonathan missing, but they’re trying to find a new normal. Less talk about technology and more about the charities Marian volunteers with or the books Frank is reading or the new skills Nathan is learning or improving. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s good, and she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

She puts Nathan down for a nap in Jonathan’s childhood bedroom after dinner, lingering a little to look at the photos of him growing up. She joins Frank in the kitchen after, drying up while he does the washing. This had been Jonathan’s job before, and when she’d first asked Frank if he wanted help she wasn’t sure if she’d be intruding, but he’d wrapped her into one of his big hugs and told her he would love that.

“How have the past few days been, Tess?” he asks as he scrubs the roasting tray.

They haven’t had a chance to speak properly since he left Nathan back on Wednesday when they’d been minding him as she made some conference calls. “Good, mainly.” She keeps drying the garlic crusher. “I had a bit of a moment in Loblaws yesterday. They had Haagen Dazs on a two for one offer and I had two Praline and Creams in the basket and had gone down the aisle before I realised he wasn’t going to be home to eat them. And I could have bought them, I love that flavour too but… it just made me so sad.” She almost cried right there with the announcements about toilet paper deals coming in over the loudspeaker system.

“I bought them,” Frank says. “And now they’re out in the freezer in the garage so Marian won’t see them and get upset.”  

Tessa gives him a side hug and they try to move on to happier things. Frank goes out for his walk when they finish up, like he always does, and Tessa goes into the living room where Marian has just hung up with her sister.  

Marian pats the space on the couch beside her. “Angela was asking about you and Nathan. She says that recipe you sent her for lemon bars worked out great, she sold out so fast at the church bake sale.”

“I might use that one for group next week, it’s always very popular.”

“Is group going a little better now? You haven’t been complaining about that man recently.” Marian frowns as if she’s trying to remember Scott’s name.

“Things are better.” She doesn’t ever want to talk about Scott with Marian again.

“Good.” Marian takes Tessa’s hand, before saying gently, “You’re looking healthier, darling. It’s so good to see you filling out again.”

“I’m sorry if I worried you.” She hates to think that she had made life harder for Marian and the rest of her family than it already was by giving them one more thing to fret over.

“You don’t need to apologise. I knew you just didn’t have an appetite.” Her mother-in-law takes the end of Tessa’s braid and fixes up where it’s come a little undone. “I had to go feed you up during your finals too. I know how you get when you’re under a lot of stress.”

“You’ve always been so good to me.” Tessa’s voice gets all caught up in her throat as she thinks of all the kindness and love the Bradys have showered on her over the years.

“Who wouldn’t want to be good to you?” Marian rubs away the tears starting to track down Tessa’s cheeks. “And I knew you’d be sticking around.” She smiles, “Or I wanted you to. I said to Frank the first time Jonathan brought you home that I hoped he hadn’t met you too early because you were exactly the type of girl he should marry.”

“It wasn’t too early.” She’s so glad now that she’d never heeded any of Jordan’s advice about taking a break or being too young to be that serious. She had as much time with Jonathan as she could, even if maybe she could have made better use of some of it.

“No. It was just the right time.” Marian pulls her in and Tessa lets herself sink into her embrace for a little while, until Nathan needs her and she has to be the mom.

—

Charlie plops down next to him, a hand clapped on his shoulder. “I’ve got a proposition for you.”

Scott takes his eyes off the field. It’s only the second practice of the season and he knows that the kids are little but, well, it’s hard to watch nonetheless. Brad, the dad who also coached the hockey team, seems to be content to let the kids explore, kicking around balls in every direction (and at each other). Scott knows the kids need to have fun but there needs to be _some_ structure to this madness. He can already tell that Mollie is irritated with the fact that there aren’t any cones set up to mimic goal posts.

“What’s up?” Scott asks brightly.

Charlie looks from side to side before leaning in close. He opens his mouth but then Tanith marches up, arms full of their little girl and an ice chest. “Will you stop acting like you’re about to ask him to be a spy,” she quips. “It’s just Timbits!”

Charlie pinches the bridge of his nose. “This is an offense to Tim Horton, Tanith,” he says, waving towards the field. “An _offense_.”

Tanith rolls her eyes, adjusting Jenny on her hip. “You’re being ridiculous.” She marches off to sit by another mom, but not before giving Becca a smile and asking about the book she’s reading.

“Anyway,” Charlie starts, an easy smile on his face. “Brad is pulling out of coaching this season – ”

Scott frowns. “Is everything okay?” He may think the guy is a shit coach, but he still hopes it’s nothing serious.

“With Brad?” At Scott’s nod, Charlie finishes, “Yeah, his hours are just changing so he won’t be able to do practices.” Charlie rubs his hands together. “Which means the coaching spot is open.”

Becca taps Scott’s arm, waiting until Scott looks at her before she speaks. “Is Grandma bringing snacks?” Becca’s stomach growls before he can answer.

“Doesn’t she always?” he laughs. He digs into Mollie’s soccer bag until he finds an extra granola bar. “This should tide you over until she gets here and you guys can get dinner.”

Laying her book open across her knees, taking care to make sure she doesn’t lose her page, Becca takes the bar with a smile. “Thank you, Daddy.”

Scott kisses her head before turning back to Charlie. “Sorry. So, are you thinking about coaching?”

Charlie nods. “And I was hoping you’d be willing to coach with me?”

Scott blanches. “Me?”

Charlie is still nodding. “Of course! I’ve seen you run drills with Mollie and some of the other kids when they ask.” He looks out to the field with a grimace. “I know that you think you could do better than this.”

He’s not wrong. Though, Scott thinks a monkey could do a better job than Brad.

“Jenith!” Tanith yells down the field and their heads whip around just in time to see Jenny walking straight towards the older soccer team they share a field with, a soccer ball headed right for her. Tanith must be really worried with how garbled Jenny’s name comes out.

A parent from the other team is quick to stop the ball, a loud smack ringing at the impact. Tanith is rushing towards Jenny as Charlie lets out a sigh of relief. “Think about it, yeah?” he says, already halfway to his family. Scott nods, waving him off. Family is more important than little league soccer.

“I think you should do it, Daddy,” Becca says around a mouthful of granola. “This is really sad.”

Scott laughs and throws an arm around his oldest, asking her to read to him until his mom shows up so he can leave for the church.

When he pulls up to group a little while later, he’s surprised to see Tessa in her car. He’s running almost late so he isn’t really sure why she hasn’t gone inside yet. It strikes him that something might be wrong so he unbuckles faster, slamming his door shut behind him. Tessa meets him in the middle and, after a quick scan of both her and her car, Scott is pretty certain that at least judiciously, she’s okay. “You look worried,” she says, Tupperware firmly in the curve of her hip.

Scott waves his hands around them. “We usually do this after group.”

Tessa winces and, oh, _this_ week is when she turns him down. “I can’t tonight.” She sounds regretful, something like a frown on her face, though it could be a trick of the light. “I have to go to a meeting in Silicon Valley tomorrow so Nathan, Marian, uh, that’s my mother-in-law… We’re all on a red eye tonight.” She scoffs. “Someone else was supposed to be going but…” She shrugs and then reaches out, touches his forearm. “I’m really sorry.”

He shakes his head, gives her a smile because he gets it. “It’s okay, Tessa. It’s not like…” He doesn’t want to put his foot in his mouth so he considers his words carefully. “I don’t expect us to fool around every Friday night.”

She quirks an eyebrow. “But you’re not opposed?”

His smile curls into a smirk. “I think that answer should be obvious by now.”

Tessa blushes the most beautiful shade of pink as she nods. “Anyway,” she says as she starts walking to the door of the church. “I’ll have free time on Monday if you’re open to that.” She tucks some hair behind her ears, looking not at all like she had just propositioned him.

He probably has stuff to do but he answers, “Monday will do just fine.” He can’t imagine waiting a week to see her, to touch her, again.

Holding open the door to the church, Scott lets her enter first, surprised to see her turn off into the hallway going towards the offices and not the community room. She pulls out her phone, the device slipping and sliding between her fingers. Once he steps closer, she holds it out for him. “Text yourself. That way we have each other’s numbers.” It’s already opened up to compose a new message so he types his number in before tapping out a few words in the box below. He’s smirking while he does it, knows that he is, but he can’t help himself. He presses the blue arrow, immediately feels the buzz of his own phone in his pocket.

Scott locks the phone before he hands it back only for Tessa to unlock it as soon as it’s in her palm. Her eyes scan the text and he laughs when she looks up at him under low eyebrows. “Really? ‘I like your butt?’”

He makes a show of opening his own phone. “Wow, kiddo. Didn’t think you were the type to text that kind of stuff.”

Tessa looks out at the hall. He watches as she decides something, her face smoothing out before her eyes start to sparkle and her shoulders square just before she slides into his space. “You have _no idea_ the stuff I like to text.” She’s the one smirking now as she kisses him hard and long, leaving him breathless when she does pull back.

Her heels clack on the floor as she heads towards the community room and he stares, unabashed, at her body as she walks away.

It takes him five minutes and a detour to the bathroom before he gets to the meeting himself.

—

Tessa rinses off the last of the shampoo from Nathan’s curls and lifts off the face cloth she’d been keeping over his eyes to prevent the suds from irritating them. “Your hair is all shiny and clean now!”

He splashes his hands. “Playtime now?”

“Yes, you can play with your toys now.” She hands him down the little rubber ducks and the plastic boat he likes.

“Mama play?” Tessa swears he already knows how to use puppy dog eyes.

“Of course, baby. And then time for pjs and story and sleep. Nana is going to be here when you’re asleep and I’ll be here in the morning.” She’s finally agreed to go out with Tanith and Charlie again. It has to happen sometime.

She leans over to rub her nose against his, Nathan giggling when she screws up her nose after getting water all over it. He tells her the names of all his duckies (a little confusing seeing as they’re all farmyard creatures with titles like Cicken the Duck) and speeds his boat up and down as far as he can reach.

There are no complaints when she takes him out and towels him dry, just a lot of hugs. His hair is so fluffy afterwards, a little blonde cloud. He’s already sleepy in her arms as she carries him to his room, stopping at the dresser so that he can give a kiss and say goodnight to the photo of his dad. It’s one of Tessa’s very favourites – Nathan and Jonathan at Nathan’s second birthday party, just them smiling at one another as if there was no one else around.

All it takes is one read of _Jack and the Beanstalk_ (she’s pretty sure he likes it because of the cow) for his eyes to start really drooping. “I love you, Nathan,” she whispers, kissing his curls and then his cheek.

He murmurs something she can’t quite catch in response before nodding off. She stays there, running her hand over his soft hair, as his breathing deepens, kissing him one more time before going to her room to get ready.

They’re going to a sports bar, somewhere they’d never gone to with Jonathan because that wasn’t really his thing, not since college when it had been one of the cheapest places to drink in Waterloo and no one bothered to card Tessa before she turned nineteen. She thinks the last time she’d been in a sports bar with him was the year he’d been working in Silicon Valley, her third year at Laurier, and she’d flown over to visit him for spring break. The flights had been a Christmas present from Frank and Marian, a bigger one than she thought she should accept, but they’d insisted. The visit hadn’t gone at all like she hoped it would. Jonathan worked all the time and _hated_ California (part of the reason he’d been so stubborn about setting up their headquarters in London even though every other major social media app was based there). For the first few days she had almost seen more of his weird collection of roommates than she had him. That had been the one time she’d started to wonder about Jordan’s advice about taking a break. But then he’d taken her to this dive-y Canadian sports bar so she could watch the Leafs play even though he couldn’t care less about hockey, having her sit on his lap so that she didn’t dirty her sundress on the sticky seats. He spent the rest of the night telling and showing her how much he missed her, and then six months later came home to her with a ring she’s never taken off.

Tessa lets herself cry, loud and messy and angry and sad, for fifteen minutes before she washes her face and starts to get ready. All the while replaying the advice of Jordan, her mom, Tanith, and everyone from group in her head because it’s the only thing that’s making her choose an outfit, straighten her hair and do her makeup. She needs to go out and do things. She can’t stay in this house forever. It won’t bring him back.

Somehow she manages to look pretty in the end. So pretty that she almost sends Scott a photo before she talks herself out of it. If he wants pictures of her it wouldn’t be dressed in a white top and long, red floral skirt, it would be her in her underwear, or maybe in nothing at all. She’s thought about sending him photos like that, but she doesn't really know how to go about it.

Her mom likes the outfit anyway when she sees her coming down the stairs. “Oh Tessa, you look beautiful.” She puts a hand to her cheek when Tessa reaches her. “You look so much happier now, darling. It’s so good to see.”

“I’m not happy, Mom.” She can’t be.

“You’re happier than you were though.” Her mom kisses her cheek. “Now, I told the Uber to wait and bring you to wherever you’re going.”

“I can just drive, I’ll only have a glass of wine.”

“No, you’re going in the Uber and you can get one back or Tanith and Charlie can drive you. Go have a nice time.” Before Tessa can say anything her mom cuts her off. “I know all the numbers to call and the stories and songs and toys he likes. Go, Tessa.”

She does as she’s told, making awkward conversation about how nice the weather has been with her driver. She’d really prefer if he just concentrated on the road.

She feels strangely nervous before going in, which is silly seeing as it’s just Tanith and Charlie. Except it’s not, because when she walks in she finds them laughing with Scott, and almost trips over her feet.

He looks just as surprised when she walks over to them. She waves a little awkwardly, apart from CJ’s party she’s only seen him at group or at her house, never out with other people. “Hey.”

Charlie beams. “I’m so happy you’re here, Tess! I’ve convinced Scott to coach the kids’ soccer team with me this summer. Now that they’ve got decent coaches they might actually win!”

“That’s not the important thing,” Tanith says firmly.

“Uh, of course not. We’ll teach them about… teamwork and stuff.” Charlie looks hopefully at his wife.

Scott laughs and it makes her want to smile, even though this all seems like a terrible idea.

“I’m just going to the ladies room. Tanith, will you come too?”

Her friend hops off her stool immediately and follows her to the bathrooms.

“It’s not a set-up,” Tanith says the minute the door closes behind them. “I know you’re not ready for that. And anyway, I hope you think I’d be more creative than just putting the only two young and hot widowed people I know together.”

A gargled laugh leaves Tessa’s mouth. “No, I’m not ready.” She’s not ready to date, but apparently she’s ready to secretly fuck him.

Tanith puts her hands on Tessa’s arms. “Charlie wanted to talk to Scott about coaching, and I just thought we could combine it with going out with you. I thought…” She tightens her grip. “God, it seems kind of silly now. I thought it might be easier having someone else with us, that if it was just the three of us… Jonathan not being here would be more obvious.” Tanith bites her lip, her eyes welling up. “But it’s always obvious. You’re not just going to forget.”

Tessa hugs her. “Thank you. For trying to make it easier. Really.” Tessa isn’t sure what she did to deserve a friend like Tanith.

Tanith steps back and fixes her eye makeup in the mirror, Tessa doing the same. Tanith gives her a quick hug and murmurs an ‘I love you’ before they go back out into the bar.

“I’m going to get more drinks,” Charlie announces when they arrive at the table. “Another beer, Scott?”

He shakes his head, still nursing a half-full one. “I’m driving home, I’ll stick with this one, thanks.” Tessa has to stop herself from telling him to get an Uber home anyway.

Charlie turns to her, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“Sauvignon blanc?” It will probably be terrible.

“Tessa!” he whines. “This is a sports bar, you are not drinking wine here. What happened to you? Where is the girl who drank beer with me back in the day?”

She manages a laugh as she rolls her eyes, elbows resting on the table, the top already a little sticky. “I very rarely drank beer with you. I drank spirits.” She sits up a bit. “I’ll have a vodka tonic, please.”

“That’s my girl!” Tanith crows, squeezing Tessa’s shoulder.

“You drank vodka tonics back in college?” Scott asks.

“Not with tonic back then. A lot of the time it was just straight.” She grins when he chokes on his beer, suddenly feeling more at ease than she had been. “Not what you were expecting?”

He shakes his head, eyes down at the table rather than looking at her, but she can see a gleam in them all the same.

“One time I swear I saw her chug half a bottle of Grey Goose,” Tanith says.

Scott’s eyes, and his grin, widen. “Really? That’s the kind of thing you got up to?”

“That was a special occasion.” Maybe this isn’t the best road to go down.

“Yeah, it was a special occasion that we had decent vodka and not that nasty shit from the LCBO. What was it called… Iceberg?”

Tessa shivers at the mention. “I still made it to class the next day, anyway.”

“She _always_ made it to class the next day. One time she had a surprise marketing test the day after we did way too many jello shots and she got a hundred percent.”  

Tessa shrugs. “It was an easy paper.”

“Like three quarters of the class failed,” Tanith says.

She sits prim and proper, makes a show of smoothing out her shirt at the waist. “Well, Scott knows from group what a good note-taker I am.” He blinks at her and she winks just before the loudest laugh Tessa has ever heard bursts out of Scott.

He’s still laughing when Charlie returns with a beer for himself, a mojito for Tanith, and Tessa’s vodka tonic. “What did I miss?” Charlie asks.

“I’m finding out all about Tessa’s wild college years,” Scott informs him.

“Did they tell you about the time we were all smoking weed and Tess and Tanith decided to choreograph a ballet? I think we thought it was the next _Swan Lake_.”

Scott’s eyebrows are so high she thinks he’ll need a stepladder to get them back down. “You smoked?”

She’s surprised he’s so shocked given that she was more amused at finding the weed in his car than anything. “We were dating computer programmers,” Tanith says. “We either did it to fit in or because it was the only way anything they said when they talked about school made sense.” Tessa laughs, she feels like she knows way too much about software development now. Tanith continues, “I only went on a date with Charlie because Tessa said he wasn’t like most computer nerds, and then he talked about Java for half an hour.” She reaches over to squeeze his hand. “I really don't know how we’re still together.”

Both Tessa and Scott’s smiles fade a little at that. Scott clears his throat. “You set Tanith and Charlie up then, Tessa?”

She nods. “I knew Tanith from dance, and then when we started teaching classes together we got closer and she started hanging out with us.” She doesn’t really want to spell out that the us in question was her, Jonathan and Charlie. “And then Charlie had the biggest crush on her.”

“I didn’t,” Charlie scoffs.

“You did,” she and Tanith say as one.

“You danced?” Scott asks, apparently determined to find out all about her past now that he has the opportunity. It surprises her how much she doesn’t mind.

“She was amazing,” Tanith answers before Tessa has a chance. “She still is, when she has the time. I’m still holding out hope she’s going to come and teach at the studio more often.”

“Maybe when things settle down.” Tessa isn’t quite sure what to make of the way Scott is looking at her, like she’s special or something.

“Did you think about dance as a career?” he asks.

She shakes her head. “We couldn’t afford the type or amount of lessons I would have needed for that, and I wanted something to fall back on. I started teaching to pay for my own lessons in high school and I loved it though.” That’s when she’d realised how much she loved kids. “I thought I might do that after business school, but then Jonathan had the idea for the app, and uh…” It’s weird talking about Jonathan with Scott here in front of Jonathan's friends.

“Jonathan had no clue about business so Tessa handled all of that and made them millions,” Charlie finishes for her in words she would not have used herself.

She wants to change topics, move further away from the topic of her husband before she starts feeling guilty. “Was there anything else you thought about doing, other than being a firefighter?” Thankfully she manages to say the word normally, not the breathy way she does in her mind sometimes. Scott could be on one of those tacky calendars, shirtless in just the bottom of his overalls with suspenders and a helmet. He could do all twelve months. It would be the only thing that would entice her to buy one.

“Uh, not really? Not since I realised I was never going to start for the Leafs. I love carpentry, but that’s more of a hobby. I’ve done some paid pieces though.”  

Tessa takes a long sip of her vodka tonic, trying to focus on the slight burn rather than all the images of Scott working with his hands that are racing through her mind right now.

“Do you have any photos?” Tanith asks. When Scott looks like he’s about to refuse she says, “Please. We’re all friends here.”

He scrolls through his phone and passes it over the table. Tessa leans towards Tanith so she can get a better look.

“Oh wow.” The first picture is of a rocking chair with gorgeous carving at the back. “That’s beautiful.” The next is of a Noah’s ark set, each pair of animals carefully crafted. “You’re really talented.”

He ducks his head down, smiling, and she can’t look at him right now because… she just can’t.

“These are brilliant,” Tanith echoes, giving the phone over to Charlie. “Have you ever built anything big? We want to have a treehouse made for CJ and Jenny.”

“I helped my brother put one up for his kids, but it was nothing special. Just very sturdy.” Scott takes the phone back and then shows them the fanciest treehouse Tessa has ever seen, done in a pretty wood with three rooms.

He and Charlie start talking about the logistics of making sure treehouses are safe and secure while Tanith gets to work on making a Pinterest board with design ideas.

The conversation moves from treehouses to hockey to how much they all hate Doug Ford, and even with all the moments of thinking how weird this situation is… Tessa is enjoying herself. She decides she might be enjoying herself too much when she starts thinking about whether she and Scott could sneak away to the bathroom together.

She makes a bit of a show of looking at the time on her phone. “I should probably be going home.”  

“Oh, us too. I think we told the sitter we’d be home an hour ago. Do you want to share an Uber?” Tanith asks.

“I could drop you home if you wanted,” Scott offers. “It’s no trouble.”

“Tessa isn’t too far from us,” Charlie tells him, of course not knowing that Scott is very familiar with her house.

“Did you just have one beer?” she demands, her tone a little more forceful than she maybe wanted it to be.

“Yes,” Scott says simply. As if she didn’t just snap at him. “And I’ve been drinking a lot of water.”

Her hands fist around the strap of her purse. “I’m sorry, I…”

“You don’t need to apologise, Tessa. Not at all.” He’s looking at her with such understanding that it kind of makes her want to cry. She’s not even sure if she’s told everyone at group the cause of Jonathan’s accident.

Tanith squeezes her shoulder. “You ready to go, hon?”

They pay their tab and walk out into the parking lot, all a little quiet until Charlie sees Scott’s car. “Wait, you drive a minivan? Tessa won’t step foot in that. She hates those things.”

Scott raises his eyebrows at her. “Really?”  

“They’re… ugly.”

“Roomy though,” he says, winking at her as he goes around to open the doors on the passenger side for her and Tanith.

She’s glad it’s dark so no one can see her blush.

Scott is a very good driver, careful about stopping distances and patient when waiting for a bunch of drunk pedestrians to cross the road. She feels more at ease than she usually does in a car nowadays, maybe helped along by the vodka.

They’re silent after Tanith and Charlie go into their house, until they both speak at the same time.

“It wasn’t a set-up,” she says as he comes out with “I didn’t know you’d be there.”

He motions for her to go first.

“Tanith isn’t trying to set us up. That, uh… that was kind of all I was going to say.” She doesn’t know how he’d take her telling him she’s not ready to date. Which is stupid. They’re not dating, they’re just messing around. It’s just physical and it’s fine. He doesn’t want to date her.

“Yeah. I figured. Charlie mentioned that a friend of theirs might be joining them, but he didn’t say it would be you.”

“I hope you weren’t disappointed.” She smooths down her skirt.

“Of course not,” he says, voice gentle. “I, uh, I know it was kind of awkward for the two of us, but I had a really good time.”

“I did too,” she says quietly.

The car stops outside the gates of her house. “If you want to kiss me you should do it here,” she blurts out. Fuck. “Not that you have to. Or that my mom would actually be watching out the window or anything.”

He switches off the engine and puts his hand on her cheek, lightly turning her head towards him. He traces his thumb down her cheek and over her lips before leaning in to kiss her. Her hand goes to his hair, drawing him closer, and his goes to her thigh. At first his hand rubs up and down her skirt but then he places it underneath, on her bare leg. He just rests it there, doesn’t move it any higher. There’s something comforting about it, something that makes her feel safe and warm.

He rests his forehead against hers and tucks her hair behind her ear, breathing a little hard. “We should get you into that house.”

Tessa doesn’t want to leave, but she knows it’s the right thing to do. She tells him the code to open the gates, the others times he’s been here he’s been following her or she buzzed him in. It’s just practical that he learn it.

“Thank you, for driving me home,” she tells him when he pulls up at the front door.

“Anytime, Tessa.” He reaches out his hand to squeeze hers quickly.

She takes a glance at the door and then kisses him on the cheek. “I’ll see you soon, yes?”

Scott’s quiet as she climbs out of the van but just when she’s starting to worry that he wants to end things he says, “Yes. As soon as possible.”

She smiles. “Okay then. As soon as possible. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Her mom is waiting in the living room when she gets in. “I thought you would have gone to bed. I’m sorry I’m later than I expected.”

“I got caught up in my book. And I’m so happy to see you going out and enjoying yourself.” Her mom fixes her dressing gown and gets up off the couch, going over to put her arms around Tessa. “It’s what he would want, honey.”

The slithering feeling enters her bloodstream again. She can’t imagine that Jonathan would have wanted this.

—

“I hate the Red Sox,” Danny says fervently, rubbing the emblem on his Blue Jays t-shirt.

Charlie elbows him. “You root for them any other time.”

“Not today!”

Scott just laughs, knowing better than to question Danny when it comes to anything baseball-related. He takes a sip from his beer and wanders over to the window to check on the kids outside. Everyone is smiling and there are no tears so he’s going to take that as a solid win.

He sits down beside his dad who pats his knee. “You seem content, Scott. It’s great to see.”

Scott doesn’t know if he’s content, but he’s maybe more at peace. He and the girls seem to have settled into a rhythm and he’s getting more opportunities to pull his weight at work. And then there’s Tessa, but she doesn’t make him feel all that peaceful, apart from maybe right after they fuck and they lay together for a few seconds, just breathing. She makes him feel good though, so unbelievably, unspeakably good.

He catches his mom watching him from the other side of the room, he thinks she’s waiting for his reaction.

“Things are going better, I think, yeah. The girls are good.” That’s the most important thing.

“You’re doing a great job.” His dad's eyes get more serious. “I’m proud of you. Sarah would be too.”

The smile on Scott’s face dies a little. He’s been thinking about her a lot today. She never enjoyed days like this with all the Moirs gathered together, had begged off them even before she got sick. She said she always felt left out, or that people were judging her. Scott had thought she was paranoid, but then he’d met her family. Just as soon as Sarah left to go to the bathroom her mom had leaned over and asked if her habit of procrastinating was making wedding planning a pain. And that had been one of the nicer comments.

He’d thought he’d been doing the right thing in not pushing her on coming to family get togethers, but maybe it had been the easy way out. It had been one less thing to fight over, but maybe if he’d just made more of an effort she could have felt more comfortable and enjoyed it all more. He could have spent more time with her rather than hanging out with his brothers, worked harder at reassuring her that everyone really did like her. He had let her down, and, in the process, their kids too.

He’s taken away from thoughts of Sarah by Mollie running in, snot under her nose and eyes red from crying. She runs straight to him and he scoops her up in his arms and carries her out into the hall, not wanting her to get self-conscious in front of all the other adults. He sits down on the stairs and rubs circles into her back until she’s ready to talk.

“Becca and the other girls said I couldn't play with them because I’m too little,” she gets out, hiccoughs between every second word.

“Oh baby, that’s not nice to hear.” He’s a little surprised, he knows Becca needs her space at home sometimes but she’s usually so good at looking out for Mollie. He doesn’t know if going out and telling them to let Mollie play with them will help matters any though, might just be better to have a word when he catches one of them later on. “How about playing with the boys for a little while, would that be fun?”

“Don’t wanna.” Mollie usually has a great time with them, he thinks that maybe she’s just put out. She sighs, “It’s so hard being four.”

Scott almost wants to ask to trade and let her have a go at thirty-three. “You’ll be turning five soon, just two months to go.” They’re getting so big. He kind of wants time to freeze now and then so he can take it all in.

“Will they let me play with them then?” she asks, a little hope in her voice now.

He squeezes her in tight. He knows how hard it can be to be the youngest and the one who gets left out of things. “You’re an awesome kid, Mol. Anyone would be lucky to get to play with you.”

Danny comes out into the hall. He starts speaking in a stage-whisper, “I’m sneaking into the kitchen for some ice-cream, I heard there’s cookies and cream.”

Mollie’s head shoots up. “That’s my favourite.” She hops off his lap and runs over to her uncle who takes her hand and winks at Scott.

He can hear the noise of the game from the living room and feels a rush of love for his brother for sacrificing time watching his beloved Blue Jays to make his niece happy.

There’s a vibration in his back pocket and he pulls out the phone quickly. It’s a message from Tessa, one he’s been not so patiently waiting for. The time fits, she only ever seems to text towards late evening or in the afternoon when he thinks Nathan might be napping.

It’s very direct and business-like, similar to all her messages. ‘ _Are you free Monday morning?_ ’ He has to laugh when he thinks about how she told him that he had no idea about the kind of things she liked to text. Her messages read like an old lady’s most of the time, and it’s weirdly endearing. He’s thought about initiating some sexting, but he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

‘ _Sorry, busy all day Monday. I could do Tuesday or Wednesday morning/afternoon though._ ’ He hopes Tuesday works for her, it’s been too long since he got to touch her (it’s been maybe eighteen hours).

He waits as she types her response, the speech bubble flickering. _‘I’m meeting a high school friend on Tuesday who’s moved back to London, I’ve been putting it off so can’t get out of it :(. Wednesday I can do though!_ ’ The emoji kind of has him in shock.

‘ _I’ll see you then._ ’ It’s only four more days. He can wait four more days.

He is definitely not expecting to hear from her late that night as he’s climbing into bed.

‘ _I can’t get you out of my head.'_

He’s almost wondering if she meant to text him when he remembers that’s what he said to her after she kissed him. Fuck, what should he say?

 _‘I wish we could see each other sooner_.’ He regrets it a little after, he hopes she knows that he understands how busy she is.

‘ _Do you want to see me now? You won’t be able to touch though_.’ Holy fucking shit.

‘ _Yes.'_  He doesn’t trust himself to type anything else without it resulting in a keyboard smash.

There’s a five minute wait before the next message, and he wonders if she’s changed her mind. And then the photo arrives. She’s in a deep, dark blue lace set, lying on white sheets (in her own room now he guesses), with one hand resting just below her piercing, some of her fingers splayed over the top of her panties, the nail of her pinky just barely tucked underneath the band. The only disappointment (if he could even call it that) is that he can’t see her face, the photo cutting off just above her mouth, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth and the edges curling into a smile that has him twitching.

All he can think to text is ‘ _Fuck_.’

She replies quickly, ‘ _Did it turn out okay? I didn’t know how to angle the camera. I don’t really know how to do this._ ’

He can see her in his head, face screwed up in concern, lips bitten pink and matching the color of her cheeks. He feels all this affection for her in amongst the want. He loves that she’s telling him this, so honest and earnest. _‘It’s amazing. The next best thing to being with you._ ’ He starts typing again, ‘I _would like to see your face though, if that’s okay._ ’

The wait isn’t as long this time, thankfully. She’s biting her lip still but it’s decidedly more sinful in this picture, with her eyes lowered, her right hand cupping her left breast, thumb resting on the skin curving out of the skimpy bra.

Before he has a chance to respond another message comes in. ‘ _It’s not really fair that you’re the only one getting pictures_.’

He grins. ’ _You’re right. I’ll have to remedy that_.’

Shit, how do you take a photo like that? Surely she doesn’t want a picture of his dick. That seems like the kind of thing he should wait to send until it’s requested. He’s been getting the impression that Tessa really likes his abs from how much she touches them so he whips off his t-shirt. He has no clue what to do with his face though. Of the shots he takes the one where he looks least like a sleazy dude on a dating website is somehow one with him smirking, so he sends her that.

‘ _How would you touch me if you were here?_ ’

He closes his eyes for a few seconds, listening out for any noises in the house, before slipping his hand under his sweatpants and boxers. He’s rock-hard already and it’s a little difficult to concentrate on both the sensation of his cock in his left hand and trying to text Tessa with his right.

‘ _I’d kiss you all over your bra, and then everywhere underneath once I took it off. I’d kiss my way down your stomach and then use my tongue on you over your underwear until you came. And then I’d make you come again after I pulled them off_.’

He’s stroking himself slowly up and down when she texts back. ‘ _I’d take you in my mouth and put your hands on my hair. I’d lick and suck you until you were jerking into my mouth and then I’d stop. I’d want you to fill me._ ’

He curses under his breath and starts pumping, trying to think of what to say when he receives another message. It’s a photo of her hand underneath her panties, fingers visible through the flimsy material. He thinks, if he squints enough, he can make out some of her folds, can see the shine on her fingers. ‘ _Show me yours._ ’

Fuck. He fumbles, pushing his clothes down far enough, and takes the photo super fast, not even thinking about how it looks. She’ll probably barely even be able to see his dick between the lighting and his hand wrapped around it.

He still needs to tell her how he’d touch her, how he’d made her keen and moan. ‘ _I’d be leaning against your pillows and I’d hold your hips as you sank down on me. You’d feel amazing around me, you always do. I’d thrust into you as soon as you were ready and you’d move your hips just right. I’d fill you again and again and again and you’d get louder and louder. I’d put my thumb on your clit and touch you just the way you like until you started coming around me, soaking me and saying my name. And then I’d come so hard that it would make you come again._ ’

Scott lets himself come then, choking down a moan like a teenager as he makes a mess on himself, and hoping that Tessa is too across town.

His hand flies from his cock when his phone starts vibrating. Grimacing, he wipes his hand on his sweats and kicks them off as he picks his phone back up. He doesn’t know who would be calling him at this time and his mouth falls open when he sees that it’s Tessa. His hand is shaking as he answers.

“Hey.” She sounds spent, her voice holding that gorgeous tone it has after she comes.

It’s like a balm, to bask in the sound of her when he can’t touch her. “Hey.”  

“I, uh, I didn’t want to call, um, earlier, in case I got loud.”

He takes a deep breath and she lets out this adorable little laugh. “Yeah. I get it. I don’t think phone sex would be a good call for us with the kids sleeping.”

“I can be quiet!” she says, the argumentative side returning. “Just… probably not without practice.”

“Oh, you want to practice this?” He still can’t get over that she wants to keep doing… whatever it is they’re doing with him.

“It’s good to practice, Scott.” The confidence leaves her voice a little. “I’ve never really done anything like this before. The texting or the photos.”

“I had no clue what to do when you asked for one,” he admits, smiling when he hears the relief in her laugh. “What way are you meant to hold the phone?”

“Right?! Is there a specific angle you’re meant to go for? Are you meant to filter it?”

“No filter,” he says immediately. “And you look great from every angle.”

She hushes him. “You just want to get into my pants.”

He laughs, much too loud for the quiet house. “I mean, I do. But it’s still true.”

There’s a short pause. “I really am sorry we can’t meet up earlier.”

“Don’t be, Tessa. I know how busy you are with Nathan and work. And it’s good that you’re meeting up with your friend. I couldn’t make it the day you suggested either.”

He thinks he can hear her running her fingers over her sheets. “I like that you understand. That you have kids, too.”  

“I like that too, kiddo.”  

She snorts and he laughs again, remembering to keep it quiet this time.

“I should go to bed. I have mass in the morning.”

“Mass?!” Tessa has never really struck him as the religious type, not a regular attender anyway.

“It’s, uh, with Marian and Frank. It’s important to them.” She really seems to love her in-laws, she doesn’t talk about them often when it’s just them, for obvious reasons, but whenever she talks about them in group there’s such warmth in her voice.

“Get some sleep, Tessa. Maybe we’ll talk again before Wednesday?”

“Yeah. I might even send you some photos.”

“I’ll work on my photography skills so I can send you some back.”

She laughs, tiredness creeping in and turning the sound into a yawn. “Good night, Scott.”

He sleeps better than he has in weeks.

—

Tessa is straddling him, his hands busy opening her bra when he suggests it. “You want me to sit on your face?!” she repeats.

“If you want.” His voice is so casual. Like he’d offered to pick her up some milk on his way to her house or something.

“I…”  She fixes her ponytail. “You would like that?”  

He lowers his head to start leaving kisses down her chest. “Yeah. I would. If you’re comfortable with it.”

The logistics of doing it seem worrisome. What if she suffocated him? Still, the thought does have her growing even slicker between her thighs. “I just haven’t done it before.”  

He pauses just before he was about to take her nipple in his mouth. “Really?! But… you enjoy getting eaten out so much. Why wouldn’t…” Scott’s face shoots up, stricken. “Tessa. Please tell me that....”

“Yes! He did! It was great!” Not as… No. She’s not going to compare. There are only two people in this bed and that means her thoughts should only be about herself and Scott. “Shouldn't you be lying down if we’re going to do this?”

He smirks, then falls back onto the pillows. “You’re sure?”

She moves her way up his body, and then rethinks a little. “What’s the best way of doing this?”

“You can put your knees under my arms and rest back on your heels, if that works?” It’s pretty comfortable, and she’s not so worried about the possibility of smothering him now. “A little closer, babe?”

She moves that little bit closer and is rewarded with a lick over her folds. This way she can see how his eyes light up, but seem to darken too, when she moans.

“Maybe hold onto the headboard?” The metal is cold against her hand, and he soothes her shiver with a rub of his hand on her hip. “I’ll tap your thigh if I need a breather, okay?”

“Okay.”  She cants her hips forward experimentally and he hums, the vibration moving from his lips to hers, before he swirls his tongue around her clit, never quite touching it.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” She can feel every little movement of his mouth as he speaks, the words ghosting along her folds, his breath their wake.

“Yeah?” she asks, voice small. She’s not sure she exactly feels beautiful like this, where she can see the faint stretch marks still on her stomach and the way it’s never returned to the flatness she had before Nathan. But then she sees how Scott is looking up at her, like he’s never wanted anything more, and all that is forgotten.

There’s not much thinking after that at all, her brain a stream of ‘oh my God’s, ‘fuck’s, and ‘Scott’s that go straight out of her mouth into the afternoon air. It’s so much more intense like this, his face right there and his eyes looking up at her. He makes her feel secure with one arm slung around her waist, and on edge with the way he’s licking and sucking her, occasionally nipping her thighs. There’s give and take though, she has more control in this position, can lean against him just right. When she raises her hips for a second, just in case he does need a break but hasn’t asked for one yet, he begs her to let him taste her again, says how much he likes his face between her thighs, how he can’t wait to have her come dripping all over him.

It doesn’t take long for him to get his wish, just a few more circles of his tongue as his nose presses against her clit and his hand squeezes her ass. Her whole body quakes and she can’t hold her position any longer, falling back onto his chest, her legs still shaking on either side of them.

They both just breathe for a minute and then she moves backwards a little to wipe his chin and give him more room to breathe, managing to spread her come over his abs as she does so. “Sorry, I’ve made a mess everywhere on you now.”

“S’all good,” he says.

She tries to wipe some of the stickiness from his chest, letting her hands linger over his six-pack. “I didn’t think real people actually had abs like this,” she blurts out.

Scott barks out a laugh, his cheeks reddening just a little. “I have to be in shape for work. And then exercise helped when Sarah was sick. A release, ya know?”

She nods. “I taught some dance classes when I was doing IVF. It helped… Helped turn my mind off for a little while.” Maybe she should do more of that.

He shifts his position, rubbing against her in the most delicious way, and she lets out a little moan.

“Do you like that? Does that feel good?” His hands go to her hips, and when she nods he pulls her forward slowly, his stomach hard and firm beneath her most sensitive parts. “Do you think you could get off like this? Riding my abs?”

The idea almost makes her whimper. She can barely voice a ‘yes’.

He removes his hands and then folds his arms behind his head, this cocky grin on his face. She hates how much she likes it. “Go ahead.”  

She blinks, shakes her head almost imperceptibly. “What?!” What the fuck. “You can’t be serious?”

He shrugs. “Why not? You’re enjoying it, right?”

“Yes. But… what are you going to get from it?”  She doesn’t understand. Is there something she missed while being married?

One hand comes down, fingers walking a trail up her thigh. “I’ll get to watch you come.” His palm lies flat just below her belly button and her eyes flutter when he nudges it before his hand slips down to her cunt. He thumbs lightly at her clit, adding, “And you’ll be even more ready for me to fuck you after.”

She’s ready for him to fuck her now. “You’ve already got me off once. I don’t… I haven’t even blown you or anything.”

“This isn’t a quid pro quo thing, Tessa.”  He’s frowning now. “It’s easier for you to have multiple orgasms quick after one another. There will probably be another time when I come more than you, it’s not a big deal.”

She thinks it kind of is. “You’re sure about this?”

“I am.”

He shifts beneath her when she still doesn’t move and a quiet moan slips from her. Tessa slides back and forth experimentally on her own then, the sensation still so good. She sets a hand one his chest to steady herself, noticing that he licks his lips, staring not at where they meet, but at her face. “Uh, could you put your hands on my hips again? I liked it better that way.” She’d felt less exposed, his touch reassures her.  

His words come out more husky than she imagined they would. “Whatever you want.” His hands sink into the flesh at her hips and Tessa is infinitely thankful for how well she’s been filling out again. It feels amazing, to have him manipulating her in the basest way and setting her skin on fire as he does so.

Scott lets her control the pace, his hands only anchoring her as she rocks along the ridges of his stomach. The friction of his skin on hers would be enough to excite her but the muscles carved into him provide even more stimulation. She circles her hips too, wanting to discover all the ways his body can make hers sing. There’s a little whine in the back of her throat, drowned out by the growl Scott emits. “Let me hear you,” he tells her. One of his hands abandons her hip for her breast, rolling her soft flesh in his fingers before tugging at her nipple.

A cry bursts from her parted lips, eyes slipping shut as she ruts herself harder on him. Her legs squeeze on either side of his torso, hips moving faster and faster in response to his hands mapping out her body like he’s looking for her secrets. He palms her ribs, thumb brushing the underside of her breast feather light and her eyes burst open as the most delicious moan rips from her. “You are so fucking gorgeous like this.”

She bends down, the change in angle making her clit rub more firmly against him. His mouth is the recipient of the choked, “fuck,” she manages to get out before kissing him, all teeth and tongue and the lingering tang of her come. One of Scott’s hands tangles in her hair, the other holding strong at her thigh. “Make me come,” she murmurs when he looks at her.

It’s his turn to curse against her mouth and she feels every letter on her lips. Both hands find purchase on her ass and suddenly she’s moving faster than before, back and forth in the same way he favors licking at her. She tucks her head into his neck, panting hard around the symphony of noises he draws from her until her body stiffens and her breath catches in her throat as she comes in a flood on his abdomen.

With every breath he takes, she twitches, the movement stimulating her already sensitive cunt. Scott wraps his arms around her, brings Tessa flush against him. “Can I fuck you?” he asks, breath hot and tickling at her ear. She thinks she’ll come in an instant if he does but she finds that she doesn’t really mind.

At her nod, he slips out from underneath her, a small laugh coming when he realizes she’s still pretty boneless. “You sure you’re ready?” he asks, voice soft all of a sudden.

She just nods again, rolling flat on her stomach before willing her knees underneath her, humming in thanks as Scott takes her hips to help her up just enough so that he can sink into her.

The whole thing is fast and dirty. She’s so wet that it’s running down her thighs and making vulgar noises as he fucks her with fast, measured thrusts. The angle is a dream, his cock so deep that she swears she can feel it in her gut, and her hands fist the sheets, face pressed to the mattress as she starts babbling. It’s overwhelming, everything that he’s doing to her. There’s stars beneath her eyelids and her head is so foggy with how much she’s feeling.

Scott’s fingers slip down to play with her clit and suddenly she’s crying with the force of her third orgasm, a scream filling the room as her legs give out, thighs slipping to the side and leaving her in a pornographic butterfly pose. Scott comes too, weight heavy and wonderful on her back, his cock pulsing inside her and dragging her own orgasm out.

It takes more than a few minutes to be able to move and she’s so grateful that she thought to put a bottle of water by the bedside table, grabbing it and taking a swig before passing it to Scott. She’s still panting when he hands it back to her, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand while she drinks.  

He scrubs a hand through his hair as he leans back against the headboard. “Any plans for the next few days?” he asks. “Anything fun?” His face is still red from exertion. She can’t even begin to imagine the shade her own skin is.

She’s impressed that he can think so clearly already. “I don’t know if it’s going to be fun, but it’s my birthday tomorrow,” she admits, her breath coming a little easier now that she’s drained the water bottle. “There will be cake and candles, so.” She shrugs. She doesn’t feel much like celebrating this year.

His eyes widen. “You should have said! Happy birthday!” She gets the feeling he genuinely means it. His smile awakens one of her own. “What age will you be?”

She slides down on the bed. Sitting is still a little much right now. “Thirty-two.”

“Really?” He mirrors her, laying flat beside her, hand groping blindly for a pillow to prop under his head.

She raises her eyebrows. “You thought I was older?”

“You look younger. A lot younger. Not that there’s anything wrong with looking thirty-two! Fuck.” He puts his hands over his eyes.

She laughs, and then turns on her side, reaching out to push the curl lying on his forehead back a little. “But I seem older?” She’s not offended, she’s always been an old soul.

“I guess I kind of assumed you were the same age as me?”

She rolls her eyes. “Because two years is such a big difference?”

He lets out a soft chuckle even as his face takes on a serious look. “ _Because_ ,” he starts, voice assured before trailing off into something softer, “uh, I know you had to try for a few years before having Nathan and I kind of thought maybe you’d have been a little young to be trying seriously?” His hands fidget, squeezing into fists and then fanning open before he picks at a spot on the sheet. “Sarah got pregnant with Becca when we were twenty-four and, uh, that wasn’t exactly planned.”

She nods and takes his hand in hers. She doesn’t mind his curiosity and takes no offense to his assumptions. “We got married young, I guess, right after I finished college. And then the app took off and we had a house and enough money” she drops her voice, “more than enough money, and I’d always wanted a few kids so… it made sense to start.” She bites her lip. “I think maybe I wondered if something was up. Even after we launched in 2010 and it went well… it wasn’t that we were trying, but I had stopped taking the pill and we didn’t always bother with condoms.” She shrugs in an effort to rid herself of the disappointment that always takes root inside of her when she thinks about how her body failed her.

Scott squeezes their linked hands. A silent sorry and okay all in one.

Clearing her throat, she rolls a little closer. She wants to bask in the high they’ve created longer. She’s not quite recovered yet but she’s sure she’ll be crawling down his body to take him into her mouth soon enough. “What about you? Your weekend plans?”

Arm slung comfortably around her shoulders, Scott starts off with Sunday. “Mollie’s got a soccer game and Becca a dance recital. Tomorrow, Friday and Saturday I’ve got work early. I’m hoping to sneak in some pizza and movie time at some point with them.” He looks over at the clock on her bedside table and then back at her with what she can only describe as half a frown. “I should be going actually. I want some time with them before I turn into work dad for the next three days.”

She’s disappointed but she gets it. She could never begrudge him for making time for his girls. He’s a good father. Besides, they’ll have time again soon. “How’s your Monday look? Marian and Frank are taking Nathan for a few hours.” She stretches to bite at his earlobe. “I have to show you how thankful I am for today.”

Scott groans. He takes her by the hair so that he can kiss her hard. She feels him twitch by the arm she was wrapped low around his waist. She smiles into the kiss, a little evil and a little proud, and it makes him laugh when they finally part. “I’ll check my calendar but I think that works perfect.”

She walks him to the door, enjoying the way his eyes are glued to her as she moves boldly through the house, naked as the day she was born. Before he leaves, he gives her a playful swat on the ass and a kiss so sweet she almost forgets how much sweat and come are on her sheets.

 

The next morning, she opens the front door to grab the newspapers she has delivered every day only to find an envelope underneath the small mountain of folded papers.

On the front is a simple ‘T.’ She slides her finger beneath the fold, surprise and shock welling up inside her chest.

She opens the birthday card.

_You deserve a day as special as you. Hope you enjoyed your present yesterday ;)_

She laughs because it helps her deny the fluttering in her stomach.


	3. something wretched about this (something so precious about this)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have been absolutely blown away by all your kindness and enthusiasm for this fic, it makes our hearts so happy. Thank you so much for your amazing comments and support of our story. We apparently did update just as speedily (and, uh, at great length) again. As good Catholics we will be forgoing writing smut for Lent, so enjoy this last hurrah...
> 
> All the thanks to the Writers' Guild, especially awakeanddreaming, falsettodrop, and wishfulwannabe.
> 
> This chapter is still real explicit, this time also featuring comeplay and period sex.
> 
> There is also further discussion of IVF and difficulties conceiving.

**_June 2018_ **

Scott is so glad that he and Tessa were both free after group this Friday, it’s been a heavy few days and all he wants is to lose himself in her.

“What do you want to do?” she asks in between kisses as they pull each other’s clothes off, his t-shirt already gracing the floor of her spare room.

“Fuck,” he says, plain and simple, squeezing her ass before taking down her skirt.

She laughs, the sound warming him up. “Really? I thought we might braid each other’s hair or something.”

He lifts his hands from the hem of her blouse to her hair. “I could give it a shot,” he says, teasing. It actually isn’t the most terrible idea; he really should practise before trying to braid the girls’ hair again. He couldn’t ask her to be his model though, that would probably be weird.

“Maybe later.” Her hands are busy at his jeans so he waits for her to get them off before he helps her with her blouse.

The bra she’s wearing today is turquoise, with a bright pink trim along the edge of the cups. The blue material is so soft and silky on his palms. “This is pretty,” he tells her.

“I might have bought some new things.” She captures his lips with hers, her eyes shut as she drinks him in, blindly guiding them both over to the bed.

They keep kissing for a few minutes as he slowly removes her bra, taking his time as he eases one strap after the other down her shoulders, her skin as soft as the material that had covered it. She rubs her hips against his, her pace quickening as he tries to keep his measured. And then she slows her movement right down until he’s the one trying to hurry things up.

“Is there something you want to do though?” she asks as he follows the trim on her underwear around her stomach and over her hips with his index finger. “We’ve done things I haven’t done before, is there anything you haven’t done?”

He pauses his journey. “Lots of things.” He hopes he hasn’t made her feel lacking in experience or anything. “Um… 69ing?”

“Ooh! I’ve done that!” He has to laugh at the excitement in her voice, like she’s so proud of having done something he hasn’t. “I mean, it didn’t really work out well, because, you know, the height difference.”

He could see how that might be a problem. Jonathan was quite a bit taller than her, he’d noticed that from the pictures downstairs, Tessa staring up at her husband starry-eyed and besotted, like she couldn’t bear to take her gaze away. It must have been nice to be the recipient of that look.

Tessa shuffles back, running her eyes up and down his body. “You’re a good height.”

“Yeah? You want to try it?” She nods, taking his hands and encouraging him to remove her underwear. He does what she wants. “Are you sure, seeing as it didn’t work out last time?”

She tugs off his boxers. “I’d like to try it with you. And if we’re not enjoying it we can just tell each other and stop, right?”

“Of course. Anytime.” He tucks her hair behind her ear and kisses her, listening out for the tiny moans she sometimes makes as he dances his hand over her body.

“Do you want to lie down?” she asks. He nods and settles himself back on the bed. “You might want some pillows.” She fetches some from the top of the bed and places them under his head. “Okay,” she rubs her hands over her thighs, “are you ready?”

“Yeah, you?”

She turns her back to him, swinging a leg high over his chest and sitting down. He feels how wet she is immediately, the moisture pooling between his pecs, reminding him of the day before her birthday, and making him even harder. She moves back and forward just a little and he can picture the small satisfied smirk on her face. “I’m ready.”

He puts a hand to her arm as she starts to lie down. “Wait, if you had 69ed didn’t you technically also sit on his face?”

She sits up straight again, laughing. “God, Scott, I didn’t know you were such a pedant.” She pauses. “Technically, yes, I suppose. But I didn’t really think of it that way because I couldn’t actually see what he was doing and it wasn’t… Um…” She scratches at her arm. He guesses that she doesn’t want to go into why it maybe didn’t work out satisfactorily for her.

Scott leans his head up to kiss her back. It’s not the most comfortable of angles with her sitting high on his chest, but it seems to relax her. “Just let me know if you want to stop, okay?”

Tessa lowers herself down, covering his body with her own. “You too.” She pats her hand on his hip.

His mouth is watering at the sight in front of him. Her beautiful, perfectly rounded ass and her pretty, wet cunt are all he can see. He’s not quite sure of the best way to please her, the angle obviously different from when he goes down on her, but he can’t wait to try.

She licks him first, long and steady up his shaft, and he reaches out, hands on her ass, lowering her to him. He laves his tongue over and around her clit, sinking his hands deeper into her curves. He can feel her moan around him as she takes him into her mouth, and it’s already a little overwhelming, the taste and feel of her on his mouth and his hands combined with how she’s using her own mouth on his cock with her hands firm on his hips.

He takes his time exploring her anew, letting his tongue roam all over her folds, his nose and then his tongue going around and around her entrance before he dips his tongue into her cunt, rewarded with both the taste of her and the way she takes more of him in her mouth. She alternates between swallowing him deeper and deeper and just using her tongue on the very tip of him as her hand works the base of his cock, knowing the exact type of pressure he likes. He can’t tell her how well she’s doing like this, can’t get out any words at all, so he concentrates on praising her with how he moves his tongue, luxuriating on the spots he knows she likes best. His neck is starting to ache a little, but he keeps going, doesn’t want to leave this sacred space between her thighs, doesn’t want to miss out on the feel of Tessa’s gorgeous mouth licking and sucking his cock.

He tries not to cry out when she sits up a little, doesn’t want her to think she’s disappointing him when he just wasn’t expecting the sudden absence of her from his lips and her lips from him.

“I just needed a breath,” she says, and he can tell how true that is from the way she’s panting. “Didn’t want to come too soon.”

He rubs his hand over her back. “Don’t stop yourself. I want you to come. I can just make you come again.”

She hums, pressing down on his abs. “Are you doing okay?”

He starts nodding, which is stupid as she can’t see him, and then feels a twinge in his neck. “Uh, my neck might be a little sore.”

“We can stop. Do you need something for it?”

“No,” he says, so fast and firm that a surprised laugh leaves her mouth. “Maybe we could switch positions though? It might be more comfortable sideways?”

“Sure.” She manoeuvres herself onto her side and he rolls over after her, settling his face back in the cradle of her thighs.

“That’s better,” he says, reaching out his fingers to play with the come that’s fallen down her thighs in the movement, loving how her legs quake as he slowly rubs it in.

“This way I can get my hands on _your_ ass,” she tells him, doing just that as she kneads him, his hips thrusting in response. “You can thrust into my mouth, you know I like that.”

He moves his head up closer to the apex of her thighs. “It won’t be too much for you like this?”

“I’ll let you know if it is,” she says, voice soft.

He reaches out his left hand and interlaces his fingers with hers, while he sucks her clit and she bends her mouth to swallow the full length of him, his hips stuttering as he hits the back of her throat. Their rings clink against one another as they hold on, her using her tongue and her teeth the way that drives him wild, and him doing the same for her until she comes, wet and wonderful all around him. He can’t hold on much longer, undone with one more bob of her head and the grip of her hand on his hip.

They both fall onto their backs, their harsh breathing intermingling with the sounds of early summer.

“Fuck,” she says, voice disbelieving, and he laughs, sitting up and pulling her with him.

She’s kissing him before he can even take in the sight of his come on her face, and he groans at their tastes mixing together on their tongues. It’s messy and he loves it, and judging from the way she’s clinging onto him and the little noises emanating from the back of her throat, she does too. He buries his hand in her hair, then freezes when he feels something wet.

“Tessa? I’m, uh, really sorry, but I think my come is in your hair.”

She moves back a little, squishing up her face and threading her fingers until she finds it. “This is why my sister told me to always put my hair up at times like this.” Her eyes glitter with amusement as she wipes at the rest of her face, clearing her skin of the thick dewy strands of his come. “Not satisfied with come on just my face anymore?” She hushes his apologies as she reaches over towards the bedside table, locating a hairbrush in one of the drawers. “I’m just going to brush it out and tie it back for now, I’m too tired for a shower at the minute. I can have one after you’re gone and Nathan comes back.”

“Could I, um…” He can feel his cheeks going red. “You know how you were joking about braiding earlier? Could you actually show me how to do it properly?”

She smiles at him, briskly running the brush through her hair. “You want to do it for the girls?”

“Becca told me that practice would help, Mollie just said I was bad at it.”

Tessa grins as she stands up. “I’m just going to the bathroom, I have some hair ties in my room I can get.” She reaches for his t-shirt on the floor. “Can I put this on?”

“Yeah, of course.” He tries not to sound too excited, it might be kind of odd. He takes her in, face still pink and her nipples hard through the navy shirt, the hem of it grazing her ass. He doesn’t really want to analyse the thrill he’s feeling at the sight of her in his clothes.

Scott pulled on his boxers and goes to wash his hands in the ensuite, not wanting to get more come in her hair if she is okay with letting him practise. The fancy soap is in a tall cream container with simple black font and smells woody and refreshing. He wonders how much it cost, and if they’re in every bathroom in this house.

Tessa is sitting cross-legged on the bed when he gets back out, a bundle of hair ties beside her. He joins her and she draws her hair to one side of her head, quickly starting to plait strands over and under one another.

It’s amazing how fast she can go but terribly unhelpful. “Would you mind going a little slower? Sorry.”

Tessa blushes, shaking her head. “No, it’s fine! I should have thought of that.” She undoes her almost finished braid and begins again, the movement of her hands clear and deliberate. “I think you’ll be good at it with some practice, it’s just another way of working with your hands.”

“Oh, you like how I work with my hands, huh?” He runs his palm up her torso, her breath moving with him.

“I did mean the carpentry. But yes. You know I do.” She kisses him on the cheek, loosening her hair again. “Your turn.”

He tries to copy what she’d done, keeping his touch light. “Is this okay?”

“You can hold on a little firmer, it will be easier to work with then.” She places her hands over his, showing him what she means. “It won’t hurt, you just need to be careful never to yank at it. Jordan was the worst for doing that.”

He frowns, concentrating on braiding her hair back and forth, enjoying the soft feel of it in his hands. It’s more relaxing than he was expecting.

Tessa strokes her hand over his leg. “That must have been really hard. The house fire.”

He pause, his throat itching at the mention. Two days ago his team had been called out to one of those big houses on Lakeshore Drive; someone had left a candle burning and the small fire that started in the living room had met an electrical fault, causing a huge conflagration that left the house a wreck. Thankfully only one member of the family had been present, the dad, and they’d managed to get him out easily before fighting the fire. The mom and kids had been visiting relatives and got delayed in traffic. Walking out of the house at the end, Scott had seen the remains of a little girl’s room - some of the same toys Mollie and Becca owned lying charred on the ground. He hasn’t been able to get the image out of his head, and how that little girl could have been home and been injured, or worse. How the same kind of thing could happen to his girls.

He’d talked about it at group, telling them how it had made him think about what it would do to him if something were to happen to Becca or Mollie, if he were to lose them too. Scott doesn’t know how he’d go on, the idea of it making him shake, his heart turning itself inside out. Tessa had been quiet during it all, her face sad and serious.

“I wouldn’t be able to cope if I lost Nathan. I couldn't.” He keeps one hand on her hair, holding the braid he’s working on, and puts the other to her back, rubbing circles up and down. “I can’t even think about it.”

“I know. It would destroy me.” There would be nothing left.

“I’ve thought about what would happen if I were to die though.” The words send a chill down him, make him want to hold her tight and not let go, protect her from everything and anything.

His words are shaky. “Would your mom care for Nathan?”

“Marian and Frank. I’d want my family involved a lot, especially Jordan, but they’re the ones I’d want him to live with.” She sounds calmer now, but it’s fleeting. “Have you…”

“Yeah. I’ve talked about it with my parents.” He’d brought it up after Sarah was told she wasn’t going to get better.

“Do you… do you worry about that? With your job?” Her tone is almost apologetic.

“Yeah. Absolutely. I wonder if it’s selfish sometimes, the risk involved.” But he likes doing something important, something that matters.

“I don’t think you can call it selfish when you’re serving your community.” She traces shapes onto his leg, touch a little nervous. “But yeah, there is a risk. I, uh, this is stupid, but I don’t know that I’d ever realised just how dangerous it was until today.” He shifts a little closer to her. “I mean, I knew, but… it was just so… visceral all of a sudden.”

He lays a kiss at the base of her neck. When he lifts his head she turns hers, resting their foreheads against one another. “It scared me,” she confesses.

“I’m sorry.” He puts his arms around her.

“Don’t be. Just…” Her hands come to rest on his arms, touch not quite gripping but hardly soft. There are a million and one thoughts in those green eyes of hers and her jaw shifts as if she’s testing a few on her tongue. In the end, she asks, voice firm, “You’re careful, right?”

He nuzzles his nose against her own. He thinks of Sarah then, of when she would ask him the same thing, and how she would never let him leave for a shift without his cross hanging from his neck. He gives Tessa the same answer he’d given his wife. “Yes. Always.”

Tessa kisses him, grounding them together. “Please be careful.”

He thinks there might be tears gathering in her eyes and he finds he can’t stand the thought of being the cause of them. “I will. I promise.”

He takes kissing her then as seriously as he would a vow.

—

Tessa feels like she’s forgetting something.

It’s hard to concentrate with Nathan weaving his way through her legs, her feet getting stomped on by his shoes when he doesn’t miss them completely. She’s packed more than enough pull ups even though she knows that Marian and Frank have some at their house. Honestly, she’s not even sure why she’s bothering to pack a bag. Nathan has clothes and toys at their house too.

Still, she makes sure his favorite pajamas, the footie ones with dinosaurs all over, as well as a pajama shirt and short combo in case the footie ones prove too warm, are in his little backpack. From the laundry basket she pulls out a shirt, two pairs of shorts, and all the big boy underwear she can find. Nathan’s potty training is finally getting back on track, the accident having derailed it almost completely.

Tessa stands up, stretching tall. It seems like a bad idea to say it, but she thinks that they may actually be finding their groove in this new normal.

“Baby, do you have to go potty?” Nathan looks up at her from between her legs. His glasses are filthy. She has no idea how they could be helping him see at all like this. His face scrunches up to one side before shaking his head. “Are you sure? I think we should go try.”

He fights her a little on it but eventually takes her hand and walks with her into the ensuite. She starts to help him with his shorts before remembering that she should be encouraging instead of doing, that’s what the book she’s reading said. It’s not as if he’s got some crazy button or zipper to work with. All he has to do is pull them down.

Her phone rings, Marian’s face lighting up her screen. “Grammy?” Nathan asks. He goes to turn around but Tessa is quick to keep him facing the little frog urinal set up next to her toilet.

Tessa accepts the call, setting it to speakerphone. “Hi, Marian.”

“Hi sweetie.”

“Grammy!” Nathan exclaims. “I’m peeing in the potty!”

Marian laughs amidst her congratulations. “I just wanted to see if he’s eaten dinner, dear,” she says to Tessa then. “Or if we can take him out for a bit of a treat.”

Nathan shakes his whole body in an effort to shake off any excess pee which only makes Tessa sigh, both fond and exasperated. “I was going to make dinner before I dropped him off but if you’re okay with him coming early…?”

“Oh, I’m so glad I called when I did,” Marian squeals. Tessa wonders just where they’re planning on taking him. She imagines there’s going to be lots of ice cream involved. “Just come by whenever, Tess. We’re here.”

Once the call is over and she’s helped Nathan dump out his urinal and wash his hands, she shoots Scott a text. She’s as excited as she is nervous about tonight.

This week had been rough for no other reason than she missed Jonathan. She found herself reading an article in the paper on Wednesday and her first instinct had been to tell him about it. When she baked on Thursday evening, she added pecans to her brownies though she only ever did that for him. Nathan had “read” to her the other night, having listened to the same book so many times that he could recite it from memory, and she had so wished that Jonathan had been able to see how big their boy has become. She woke up sad, more often than not, aching more than she had in quite a few weeks.

So when they had come up with the crazy idea to actually make use of the leftover pot Scott had from his wife, Tessa had agreed with only minimal guilt for doing something for herself. It had almost seemed like fate that this was going to be both of their first nights without their kids since November. She needed to get out of her funk and what better way was there to do so? And now that her period is finished they can fool around.

By the time she gets back from dropping Nathan off at her in-laws, Scott’s already parked in front of the house. He waits for her as she gets out of the car with an easy smile, pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek once they’re close enough. They talk easily about their day as they make their way inside and into the kitchen.

With a flourish, Scott removes the lid of his Pyrex container. “These,” he says, setting the tray of brownies on her counter, “are homemade brownies.”

Tessa rolls her eyes as she pulls out a serving knife. “I don’t believe you.” She leans down to smell them. Usually she can figure out if it’s a box mix from smell and texture alone, but the pot he’s infused is messing with her powers. “Did you use to bake with it for Sarah?”

He nods from the other side of the kitchen where he tears off two rectangles of paper towel. “One of her coworkers taught me. Towards the end, these would be the only things that could get her to eat.” Tessa feels like she should say something, aches, a little, to know more about Sarah, this woman who was able to spend so much time with Scott. But Scott never pries about Jonathan, something she is so immensely grateful for, and so her lips sew shut as she slices into the chocolatey goodness.

Once the paper towels each hold a healthy square of brownie, Tessa asks, “How high is this going to get us?”

Scott shrugs. “With edibles you have to start slow, right?” She thinks that’s the advice she remembers. It’s been so long now that she’s not sure and she almost suggests looking it up before he adds, “I don’t think they gave her a very strong strain towards the end but I think erring on the side of caution is for the best.”

She agrees and watches as he breaks his brownie in half, handing her the smaller piece. They knock their brownies together in a crumbly toast. “The girls are with your mom?”

He nods and volleys back, “Nathan with your mother-in-law?”

Her confirmation is the last thing they need before they pop the brownies into their mouths. It hits her instantly. She doesn’t even wait to swallow. “This is Pillsbury box mix!” His eyes widen. “That is _not_ what homemade means, Scott!”

He chews and then swallows, her eyes watching his throat bob with the action. “How did you _know_ that?!”

“Because I know what homemade brownies actually taste like,” she quips. There’s a bit of brownie stuck to the corner of his lip and she gets it with her thumb, licking off the crumb. “I can’t believe you tried to tell me these were homemade.”

“I made them in my home,” Scott says in defense but Tessa just shakes her head on her way to the fridge.

“Do you want water? Or milk maybe?”

They end up sitting at her dining room table, sharing a glass of milk _and_ a glass of water, the tray of brownies nearby. “When was the last time you got high?” Scott asks. He has her foot in his lap, hands working the arch of it in a way that feels glorious.

“Sometime in college… I don’t remember it all that well but I’m almost certain I made out with Tanith.” His hand pauses and he blinks at her so rapidly that she thinks the brownie must already be working on him. “What?”

He exhales noisily. “I just… that’s a hell of a thing to drop.”

She smirks. “Good to know I can keep surprising you.” She nudges his hand and he resumes his massage. “I get handsy when I’m high.”

“Well, what do you know, I do too,” he says and his grin is more boyish than seductive but it hits her low in the stomach all the same.

“Did you partake with Sarah?”

His hand slows a little as he nods. “Just the first time. She was nervous but I was nervous that something would happen and I’d be too out of it to do anything.” He laughs but it doesn’t sound as mirthful as she knows it could. “So we had my brother Danny stay in the living room. The girls were with my mom but Danny was there to babysit us.”

She smiles. He really is so thoughtful and caring. She’s not sure why it still surprises her. “How was it?”

He looks down at her foot and feels a little further away even though he hasn’t moved at all. “It’s awful to say this, but I think that was one of our last good moments.”

She pulls her foot back so she can get up, only to crawl into his lap. Her chairs really aren’t big enough for this but his arms wrap around her to keep her steady. “Why is that awful?”

He runs his nose along her shoulder. “She was sick.”

“And you gave her a good time. That’s a good thing.”

He sighs and doesn’t say anything else for a long moment. When he lifts his head, it’s with a small smile. “Let’s not ruin the buzz before it kicks in, eh?”

 

They’re in the movie room (“Of course this place has a movie room,” Scott quipped when she lead him to it) as the brownies kick in. She feels more relaxed than she has since Nathan’s first year, so much so that even _Home on the Range_ (Nathan’s latest favorite because of all the farm animals) isn’t annoying her in the slightest. She looks up at Scott who is staring at the screen, utterly transfixed. “Hey Tessa?” She hums as she pulls one of his hands to her hair, shivering and growing a little wet when he starts playing with the strands. “How high am I right now?”

She turns to look at the screen, shutting her eyes against the assault of cows flashing different shades of neon. “This is a real scene in the movie. It’s not the weed.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t like this.” His face scrunches up. “Why yodeling?”

“I think I could quote this entire movie,” she murmurs and then, more loudly than she intends, begins to sing ( _yodel_ ) along. Scott jumps underneath her which only makes her dissolve into a fit of laughter, her body curling in on itself before she rolls and presses her face into his stomach. There’s a very far away thought that tells her she should be embarrassed by what she just did, lord knows she doesn’t have the voice of an angel, but she’s so warm and relaxed and she can’t find it in her to care.

She’s not sure Scott cares either, judging by the dopey smile she finds on his face once she decides to sit up. “You should try out for _American Idol_ with that.”

Her head flops towards one shoulder. “Is that still a thing?” His face takes on a look of utter concentration, the skin wrinkling so deep between his eyebrows that she thinks she could rest a chip in it. God, chips sound great right about now. Not bothering to wait for his answer, she leans over the back of the couch to the table behind them. Why had sober Tessa put all their snacks so far away?

There’s so much to choose from, so many things she doesn’t allow in her house. So much candy (including Dips which is nothing but pure sugar) and actual chips, not any made from vegetables or baked, plus sodas and cookies.

She’s stuck between Doritos and the pickle flavored Pringles, not yet realizing she can easily have both, when she feels Scott’s hand palms her ass, his fingers sliding to the waistband of her yoga pants and plucking at the exposed lace of her underwear. “You’re wearing purple.”

She slithers back down on the couch with a pout. “My bra doesn’t match. I couldn’t find it.”

“I don’t really care what you wear,” he murmurs, though his red eyes do go down to her chest. “But you always looks so pretty in everything… so confident.” He licks his lips. “I like that.”

Tessa tucks her knees underneath herself and she’s not sure if she feeling hot because she’s blushing or she’s high. Maybe both. “You should see what color bra I’m wearing.” He looks up at her like she’s just issued him a quiz. She leans forward so that she can leave a kiss at the corner of his jaw, knowing too that it will make her shirt open a little more. “Take a peek,” she whispers before nibbling on his ear.

His index finger curls at the loose scoop neck of her shirt, grinning after he pulls it further from her body. “You’re not wearing a bra.” She hums and digs her face into his neck, hoping he can feel her smile. Scott dives deeper, actually lets his hand whisper across her skin. Her whole body breaks out into goosebumps and she moans unexpectedly. _God_ , he feels amazing. Or he’s making her feel amazing. Tessa isn’t quite sure how to quantify it. He’s not even touching her nipple yet but it stokes the fire inside of her, just his fingertips following the curve of her breast.

Somehow she ends up in his lap and his hand moves so that it’s going up her shirt rather than down it, mouths pressed together deliciously. Her lips feel like they’re tingling as they slide against his. Kissing Scott always leaves her breathless and squirmy but it’s amplified now, like she can feel every nuance of his mouth. His lips are a little rough against her own and she adds to the feeling by bringing his bottom lip between her teeth, biting before running her tongue over the same spot. She wants to repeat the action with his top lip but then he’s rolling her nipple between his fingers and her mouth falls open, giving him enough time to slip his tongue against her own. It’s wet and messy but so amazing that she pushes her body into his harder. It’s like she can feel him everywhere, every atom attuned to him. His hand feels so delicate in her hair and she gets that all over shiver as he twists his fingers around the strands, a shadow of pressure on her scalp. He’s so warm underneath her too, and it feels so good against her cold skin.

The nails of one hand scratch along the curve of his neck before threading into his hair, her other cupping his cheek softly. She wonders how he keeps his face so smooth. By the end of the day, there was always scruff on Jonathan’s jaw but she never seems to notice that with Scott. Suddenly, an image of him in his van before group appears in her mind, his face covered in shaving cream while he uses a straight razor to shave. The giggles are impossible to stop but she wants to keep kissing him so she just lets the sound carry from her mouth and into his, until it’s too difficult for their lips to manage.

He tweaks her nipple. “What’s so funny?”

She runs her fingers over his cheekbone, trails down to his jaw before she goes back up, this time to touch the space above his swollen and pink upper lip. His bottom lip matches, she notices with a smile, and instead of answering him, she kisses him again, earlier thought forgotten.

She loves the way he plays with her breasts, how much he seems to enjoy it. She used to be self-conscious about their size when she was younger, but that had faded during her relationship with Jonathan. She’d never anticipated showing them to another man who wasn’t a doctor though, had never thought anyone other than her husband would see her bare, would touch her like this, learn what she likes and how to make her feel beautiful.

“Maybe I should just stop wearing bras, you could touch them all the time then.”

He laughs, and it’s such a funny sound that it makes her laugh too. “I don’t know if Amanda would appreciate me feeling you up in group, kiddo.”

“We’d have to listen to her quotes first. Some of those are very helpful, you know.” Tessa keeps them in a notebook. She really likes notebooks. All kinds of stationery actually.

He kisses her forehead. “You like your pretty bras though. And I like them too.”

She knows that. It makes her feel all warm all over. “We should buy some! Right now!” She returns to the snack table, her phone lodged in between the plate of cookies and the bowl filled with Doritos.

She sits back in his lap, her shirt hanging off her shoulder. She’s trying to concentrate on the phone in her hand but the screen starts to hurt her head so she shoves it into Scott’s hand at her thigh. “Go to the lingerie tab.” She tucks her head underneath his chin. His heartbeat sounds so loud and it’s not even against her ear.

He taps at the three lines at the top left corner of the screen, then on the plus sign next to lingerie. His fingers wiggle when all the options pop up. He oohs and aws before asking, “Can we look at the naughty lingerie page?”

She nods. “May as well pick out something you like.”

He grunts. “I’ve liked everything so far… more than liked.” She watches him scroll through the website, nose wrinkled fondly as he uses his index finger to scroll instead of his thumb. It’s something she’s seen Frank do before. Such an old man way to go about it, she thinks. Scott’s saying something else but she isn’t quite following, her limited focus stuck on his hand.

His wedding ring is gone.

The indentation is still there, skin a little lighter, but there’s no metal, no streak of gold to fill the space.

“Where’s your ring?” she asks before she can stop herself.

Scott pauses, looking from her phone to his hand before his eyes close and brows bunch together. “I took it off to clean up after baking,” he says slowly. His eyes pop open. “Must be by the sink.”

How could he have forgotten to put it back on? Tessa looks down at her own wedding band. She only ever takes it off to shower or to swim, too scared that she’ll lose it to keep it on. Even those rare moments it does leave her finger, she feels naked, incomplete. Didn’t he feel the shift when he went about his day without it on? Didn’t he miss the comfort and the love?

“You’d look amazing in this,” he sighs as he taps on a picture. When the screen loads, his eyes widen. “This price can’t be correct… there’s not enough fabric here to constitute this!”

“No, that’s standard pricing for Agent Provocateur.” She doesn’t even glance at the screen to see what he’s looking at. “You can add it to the cart if you’d like.” Tessa swallows, mouth so dry that she wants to drown in some water. “Aren’t you scared to leave your ring by the drain?”

Scott murmurs something, she thinks it must still be about the price of the bra he picked, before answering, “It's easy to get a ring from the drain.”

“Really?” Even if it is easy to get back out, it still doesn’t sit well with her… thinking of her beautiful ring slipping into a gross pipe? Her nose wrinkles at the thought.

He nods. “Do you want the matching underwear?” He frowns then. “Oh, there are three sets of matching underwear.”

Finally taking a moment to look at what he’s picked out, Tessa is surprised to see she loves it. Barely there lace with beautiful details to cover only her nipples and leave the rest of her breasts on display, the straps a beautiful array of crosses along the back. It’s a deep forest green too. She knows the color will bring out her eyes and look lovely on her skin.

“Just add them all,” she tells him. She wants to show him all of them and have him take every single one off her.

“Tessa, that’s a _lot_ of money for nothing.”

“I have a lot of money.” She shrugs. This is barely a drop in the bucket. She adds everything before he has a chance to protest further.

Scott gasps, loudly and suddenly, and Tessa instantly thinks he’s choking. She has no idea what he could be choking on but maybe she hadn’t noticed him eat something? His eyes dart to the screen. She looks too, finding the opening credits of a new movie playing. “Is this _101 Dalmatians_? I _loved_ this movie growing up!” He starts to sing the Kanine Krunchies jingle, voice adorably high pitched as he attempts to mimic how it sounds in the film.

God, he’s so cute.

He knocks his head against her temple. “You got a dopey looking smile on your face,” he says. She leans forward to kiss the apple of his cheek.

“You’ve got a dopey looking smile on _your_ face.” She thinks this is a very clever response.

He laughs and she nestles into him, resting her head in the crook of his neck. She’s tired now, and he’s so warm and cuddly. Like a teddy bear, if teddy bears also had washboard abs. She giggles at the thought of that as her eyes drift shut while Scott leaves little kisses in her hair.

She likes him so much.

—

Mollie’s birthday party is nothing short of crazy and Scott knows part of that is his own fault.

First she wanted a skating party, then a soccer party, had briefly wanted a tea party, before asking if they could go camping instead. When he asked which one she wanted to do most, she had shrugged and said she wanted all of them. All with a unifying theme of Canadian decorations for the day that's in it of course.

And who the hell is he to tell his baby that she can’t have everything she wants?

Scott finishes cutting up the finger sandwiches for the tea party portion of the party with a heavy sigh. He’s already tired and it’s only 9 am. Thank god his mom is letting him throw the party at her house and is taking care of decorating. Mollie is in the living room wrestling with Marner from the sounds of it and Becca is sitting at the table, packing up little gift bags for the party. His heart both soars and sinks at the sight. She’d done it with no prompting from him, forgoing her Sunday routine of reading the funnies. “Becca, love, am I going to pull this off?”

She swallows, quick, her eyes round when she looks at him. There’s a candy wrapper next to the completed treat bags. It’s clear the little fun size 3 Musketeer is in Becca’s stomach. “Yep,” she says as she licks her lips.

He grabs a dish towel on his way to the table, chuckling as he wipes his hands. “You’re not in trouble.”

Becca visibly deflates, her next breath more of a sigh than anything. “Sorry, Daddy.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.” He presses a kiss to the top of her head. “Just don’t make yourself sick. There will be cake later too.”

Oh good god, the cake.

He fishes for his phone in his pockets only to come up empty. From there he slaps at his chest, checking to make sure he hadn’t put it in the pocket on his t-shirt, and looks back at the counter. “On the coffee pot, Daddy.” His eyes shoot there next and yes, there his phone has been left. He gives Becca another kiss and he puts another piece of chocolate in her hand before getting his phone.

His beautiful mother assures him that yes, even though he completely forgot to ask her, she has made Mollie’s cake. “The decorations aren’t what she asked for. I’m not _that_ good.” He can hear his dad in the background, complaining already about the camping tents. “I’ve gotta go. See you in a bit, Scotty.”

With that disaster averted, Scott surveys the spread on the table. There’s only a few more goodie bags to fill and the cases of water and juice boxes are waiting to be piled into the back of the van with the ice chests. The rest of the food is already at his parents’ which means that… he’s ahead of schedule? Scott leans against the counter, a little bit of tension dissipating. He might actually pull this crazy party off.

Becca’s chair scrapes on the floor as she pushes away from the table. “Um, Daddy? Could you help me with something?”

“Always.” Marner comes prancing into the kitchen, Mollie hugging onto his back. “Birthday girl, what are you doing to that dog?”

Mollie rubs her face into the fur. “Loving him.”

Becca slips her hand inside his. “Daddy,” she whispers. “Mollie can’t see.”

Quick as a whip, Mollie sits up. That poor dog. Mollie isn’t big, but neither is Marner. “I wanna see.”

Scott shakes his head. “What’s the birthday rule?”

Mollie climbs off Marner with a sigh. “Something about surprises and waiting,” Mollie says, sounding more like a teenager than a five year old.

“Birthdays have lots of surprises,” Becca recites. “And they’re sweeter when we wait for cake.”

Mollie rolls her eyes but Becca looks up at him, proud of herself for remembering. “That’s exactly right. Mol, stay down here. I’m going to help Becca.”

Upstairs, Becca gets very serious. Rather than plop down on her bed, she stays standing. One of her arms wrap around her middle, thumb nail of her free hand coming to her mouth, a nervous tick she’s had since she was Mollie’s age, one that had gotten worse the sicker Sarah got. “I have to wrap Mollie’s present but I’m scared she won’t like it.”

Gently, Scott taps her forearm. “There’s nothing to be scared about.” Becca drops her hand, disappointed frown on her face that makes Scott wish he hadn’t made her stop but he knows that if he let her continue, she’d bite at her nails until they bled and she’s have fingertips wrapped in bandaids for days. “Mollie loves you which means she’ll love anything you got her.” His oldest doesn’t look convinced or comforted at all so he wraps her up in a hug, lifting her up easy, like she’s still his baby. She tucks her head into his neck and they stay like that, Scott swaying a little as he rubs her back, until he feels her take a deep, steadying breath. “What’d you get her, Becca?”

She lets out something close to a whine before she leans back, pensive, and puts her hands on his shoulders. “Please don’t be mad.” He has no idea where this could be going but he promises her even as his mind is going wild.

 _Please_ don’t let her have stolen something.

Back on her feet, Becca goes over to her bookcase. She has to go on to her tiptoes to reach and even then, her hand moves about blindly. Her eyes light up when she grabs what she wanted. In her hand is a CD case he hasn’t seen in a long time, not since he packed it up in an effort to rid himself of memories of Sarah, despite the fact that the CD had been his own. Becca must’ve gone searching in the spare room …

Maybe he shouldn’t have gathered so much and hid it away. Maybe it would’ve been kinder, better for the girls, if there were still signs of Sarah outside of the few pictures he’d left up.

Scott drops down on her bed, the mattress creaking under his weight. “Becca, why would I be mad about this?”

The CD gets turned over in her hand, the scuffed case still glinting when the light hits it. Shania Twain’s face stares back at him when Becca forces her hand to still. “Because I went through Mommy’s things without asking.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. He pats the space next to him and Becca sits, crisscross, the CD in her lap. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you’ll get in trouble for looking at Mommy’s stuff.” He pulls her close again. “You can look at it anytime you want, okay?” She nods but stays quiet. It’d be silly to ask if she’s okay, he knows that she’s not, so he settles on the next thing he can think of. “Why do you want to give this to Mollie?”

“I think she might remember it,” Becca says, her voice so little. “We used to sing and dance to it a lot with Mommy.”

“Yeah,” Scott grins. “Did you know that when you were in Mommy’s belly, we used to sing this CD to you? It made you dance then too.”

Becca looks up at him, her wide eyes watery but there’s a look of wonder in them, excitement at the prospect of learning something new. “Really?”

Scott nods. “Yes ma’am. But, Mommy always sang better than me. That’s why I never joined in on your parties with Mollie.”

With a roll of her eyes, Becca says, “You weren’t home a lot for our dance parties.”

Becca doesn’t sound angry or sad, her words delivered matter of factly. He deflates, guilt sitting heavy in his stomach. Scott knows that family time together didn’t happen very often but he didn’t realize how obvious it was to Becca. She’s older. It makes sense that she would notice but he foolishly thought that he and Sarah had put in enough effort so that their girls were the happiest they could be. He can see now that wasn’t the case.

“Mollie really liked number one.” Becca turns the CD over, taps the track. “Mommy too.” There’s a sad smile on his baby’s face now but she squares her shoulders. “Do you really think she’ll like it?”

He worries, really, that Mollie isn’t going to remember just by looking at the CD, but he hopes, more than anything, that when the song plays, she’ll remember Sarah, bright and healthy. “What do you say to a dance party before we go to the rink?”

Becca, who never passes up an opportunity to dance, surprises him. “Only if Mollie wants to. It is _her_ birthday.”

They end up leaving for the party late but Scott doesn’t care at all. The only thing that matters is him, dancing around the living room with his girls, singing Shania Twain at the top of his lungs, Marner barking along too.

 

He’s utterly exhausted by the time he crawls into the tent. The sun is still setting, the sky a beautiful mix of oranges and purples, but Becca is already asleep on top of her sleeping bag, snoring loudly. Mollie is still awake but her eyes droop and she rubs at them every few minutes. “Did you have a good birthday, baby?”

She crawls to his chest with a nod. Tucked close, she nuzzles into him with a soft yawn. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“Was it everything you wanted?” He’s scared of the answer but he asks because he needs to check in, to put her well being over his own.

Mollie digs her elbows into him in order to prop her head up on her hands. She look down at him with a sleepy smile. “I wish Mommy was here.” She nods again. “Then it woulda been perfect.”

Scott sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry she wasn’t.” He pats her back, at a loss to what to do. “You know she was with you though, right?”

She shrugs the best she can in her sleepy state. “If Mommy can see me, why can’t I see her?”

God, he doesn’t know how to deal with this. Mollie knows that Sarah is dead, understands what that means, but he can see where her confusion comes from. How can he tell her that her mommy is an angel but, no, for some reason, that angel can’t come to her when she needs it?

He wants so, so, badly to make this easy for her. He wants to have all the answers. He doesn’t want to disappoint her on her birthday.

Scott hates that his new normal involves letting his kids down.

“Oh, Daddy…” Mollie is frowning down at him. He blinks and feels a tear fall from his eye, sliding down his temple into his hairline. Her hand, somehow still sticky despite the fact that he’s helped her wash her hands numerous times today, rests on his cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

He hugs her tight against him. “No, I’m sorry, Mol.” He presses a kiss to her hair. “I shouldn’t be crying on your birthday. It’s a happy day! It’s the day I got to meet you for the very first time.”

Becca lets out a particularly loud snore. It practically echoes off the tent walls and it’s quiet for exactly two seconds before Mollie starts giggling uncontrollably. “She sounds like a moose!”

Mollie doesn’t manage to stay awake much later and, with her safely in her own sleeping bag Scott settles in for the night himself. He wants to be up early so that he can beat his mom to making breakfast for everyone which means setting an alarm. It’s only then that he sees a text from Tessa, sent hours earlier.

‘ _THE LEAFS SIGNED TAVARES!!!_ ’

What?!

Scott sits up in an instant.

The Leafs had signed Tavares and no one else had thought to share this all but life-changing news with him?

There was another message she’d sent just a few minutes later too. ‘ _What a great Canada Day. Happy birthday to Mollie, and I hope you can all have a good time at the party. And that all your plans work out ;)._ ’

He grins, he thinks he’d started listing out all that Mollie wanted at some point on Friday night, Tessa’s eyes growing wider with each addition. He’s a little surprised to hear from her, or about something like this anyway. It had been awkward when they’d woken up in the wee hours of Saturday morning, bodies tangled around each other on the couch in her movie room. Scott hadn’t been able to tell how much of the unease was them coming down from their high and how much was that they’d fallen asleep together.

Should he have invited her and Nathan to the party? The kids had got on well at CJ’s, Mollie even asking about Nathan a day or so later. But that’s not really what his relationship with Tessa is. Inviting her here with her son would have been a bit too serious surely, something closer to dating than whatever exactly it is they’re doing. He’s not quite sure what that is anymore. They hadn’t even had sex on Friday, just lots of kissing and feeling each other up. And it had been so, so good.

He’s not going to think about what exactly is between them right now, he’s going to focus on replying to her.

‘ _That’s the best news!! We had a great day, hope all went well for you too._ ’

When she doesn’t reply he tells himself it’s because she’s probably asleep.

He moves his wedding ring round and round his finger. He’s been wearing it less and less lately, he can’t wear it at work and the amount of times that that he forgets to put it back on have been increasing. He’d probably have stopped wearing it quite some time ago if Sarah hadn’t got sick. The decision to wear it today had been a deliberate one, he’d wanted to have as much of her here for Mollie as he could.

But Sarah is gone.

Maybe it’s time to put the ring away.

—

Tessa has rarely thrown herself into work quite like this.

She’s been putting in extra hours, keeping herself up into the wee hours of the morning, taking on duties she usually delegates. Nathan is still her priority but the hours that can be expended are filled in with work now instead of…

Her phone is charging beside her. There’s a twitch in her finger, an impulse, to pick it up and tap out a text to see if he’s awake yet. She shakes her head resolutely and forces her fingers back to the keys of her laptop. Two more emails get drafted and, upon rereading each, she finds more mistakes than usual. It would be easy to blame it on fatigue, after all, it is 4:40 in the morning and the modest four hours of sleep she got isn’t enough to count her as rested. She reworks the emails and sends them off before noticing that a new email has popped up. She scans it quickly and then blinks, worrying her lip. The London Chamber of Commerce wants to honor Jonathan at a ceremony in October, with Tessa accepting an award and, if she can, giving a short speech too.

As if she wants an award for her dead husband.

Tessa swallows hard and closes her laptop, intending to pull on some workout gear. Yoga would help stretch out the muscles that have gone tense while working from her bed but Tessa sincerely doubts that she’d manage to let her mind go blank. In fact, the quiet brought about by yoga would only make her mind go into overdrive.

There’s plenty of equipment in their home gym but absolutely nothing sounds appealing despite the buzzing underneath her skin. “Dancing it is,” she says to herself as she brings her leggings over her hips. Not bothering to change her shirt, Tessa grabs her phone and the baby monitor and starts off towards the stairs, only pausing to poke her head into Nathan’s room. He’s sleeping soundly, curls in disarray and mouth parted, his little feet sticking out from his blanket. It reminds her so much of Jonathan, the way he sleeps. How often had she woken up to that exact image? How often had she gone to cuddle with him on his pillow only to land in the wet spot of his drool? How often had her disgust woke him up and resulted in the warmest laughter she’s ever heard?

Her mind drifts to Scott, and how he looked when she woke up next to him on Friday. He looked so serious in his sleep, eyebrows brought down low and lips in a thin line with one arm wrapped around himself while the other was pillowed under his head. Their legs had been tangled together, his foot warm against her belly, and despite being asleep it kept twitching against her. She wondered then and wonders now if he would’ve looked different if she had been wrapped around him, if that would’ve given him a little peace.

Tessa swallows hard as she continues her way down the stairs, chastising herself for once again thinking of Scott. They should have never eaten those brownies. She never should’ve of let him braid her hair. She never should have fucked him or kissed him or paid any attention to anything he ever said in group. _Never should have gone to group,_ she thinks. That would’ve removed the temptation. If she had never seen him then she never would’ve lost her mind. Isn’t that what’s become of her? Hasn’t she become insane? Her husband hasn’t even been gone a year and here she is, not only fucking someone new, but -

She her free hand through her hair, pulling on the strands as she lets out a low growl.

She’s loved Jonathan since she was eighteen years old. He was her entire life. How can she like Scott, a man she’s known for less than six months, so quickly in the wake of Jonathan’s absence? After Friday, it’s impossible to dress up her feelings. She and Scott had a wonderful time but it shattered the carefully built illusion she had wrapped herself in. No longer was he someone she just had sex with. No, now he was someone she kissed, someone she watched movies with, someone she fell asleep with.

If they had just had sex, Tessa knows she wouldn’t be spiraling the way she is now. If, at any point on Friday, they had done something more than making out and feeling each other up, she could still be in denial and what an utterly glorious place that would be. Her guilt wouldn’t be weighing her down and she would be firmly in her new normal instead of this space where she can’t figure out what to do.

Once she’s in the gym, she sets herself a timer so she can get back upstairs before Nathan wakes up. Then, she turns on the music and dances until her lungs burn.

 

Tessa knew that tonight was going to be rough.

Nathan had resisted nap time today, only dozing off for twenty or so minutes. After that he had been up, cranky but glued to her side as she did her best to finish up their laundry. They spent the afternoon baking cookies, a mostly calm affair until the end, when Nathan had pushed the sugar jar off the counter because she wouldn’t let him steal anymore chocolate chips from the bag. By the time Ashley showed up for dinner, Nathan was exhausted and, unused to Ashley, he clung to Tessa even tighter.

“I’m sorry,” she said, combing her fingers through Nathan’s curls. “It takes him a while to warm up.”

Ashley shakes her head, a smile filled with understanding on her face. “You were pretty shy back in the day too.”

Tessa hums. “Not quite like this.” She's spent dinner literally eating around Nathan’s head. She should be creating better boundaries with him but today isn’t ordinary. Today is a little harder than usual and she sees nothing wrong in indulging her son every once in a while. “Tell me how you’re liking the firm here.”

“Do I have to?” Ashley whines. Tessa knows it’s done in jest but she could do without whining from another person today.

Nathan turns around in Tessa’s lap as Ashley talks about her new coworkers and new office dynamics that, for Ashley’s tastes, are much too laid back compared to her old firm in Vancouver. He rests his head in the crook of Tessa’s neck but then decides to lay it on her chest, his arm worming its way into the neck of her shirt, fist wrapped tight around her bra strap, his other hand clutching at her shirt beneath her armpit. He’s looking at Ashley carefully from behind his glasses but when her friend tries to tickle the bottom of his foot, Nathan jerks away, a plaintive cry coming from him. “Nathan,” Tessa chastises lightly. Her hand pats him firmly on the back twice. “Use your words. What do we say when we don’t want something?”

Nathan stays silent and she’s about to prompt him again when Ashley shakes her head. “My bad. I should ask before touching, right, Nathan?” He nods.

Mercifully, her son climbs down from her lap a few minutes later, going over to the farm playset he’d been playing with while Tessa made dinner. She slumps in her seat, letting her head fall to the table. “I’m sorry about him. It’s a weird day.”

“You’re my only friend with a kid, Tess.” Ashley shrugs. “This is way better than what I was expecting.”

Tessa wants to boast that usually it’s even better than this but she doesn’t want to expend the energy either. So she just smiles and asks Ashley if she’s seeing anyone. “Why? Is your sister single?” Ashley waggles her eyebrows, laughing hard when Tessa’s nose curls up in disgust. “Oh, come on! Jordan is _hot_.”

“She’s my sister!”

“That doesn’t mean she can’t be hot. In fact, it supports the likelihood that she’s hot,” Ashley fires back. Tessa is helpless to do anything more than laugh as she pours the rest of the wine between her glass and Ashley’s. “In all seriousness, no, I’m not.”

Tessa’s eyes widen from behind her glass. “I’m shocked. You’ve always got someone in your back pocket.” She thinks back to high school. Ashley was _always_ seeing someone, ever since they were freshmen. Tessa remembers being so self-conscious about it before she started dating Kyle, not that it was Ashley’s fault. She just never had the kind of confidence Ashley did to set her eyes on someone and make them hers.

Well, not until Jonathan. And even that had been more persuasion, not like Scott when she just went up and kissed him.

“I know, I know. There’s this cute intern at the firm but you know I don’t shit where I eat.”

“All the more reason to stay away from my sister,” Tessa quips. Ashley kicks her shin under the table.

“We could be a beautiful family all together,” her friend croons.

“Oh, you want to get serious with Jordan?” She knows Ashley had had a long-term boyfriend in college, but that’s the only person Tessa remembers her dating for a prolonged period.

“I could realise all my dreams from when I used to hang out at your apartment after school.” Ashley flutters her eyelashes. Her phone starts buzzing then and she looks down. “I’m really sorry, Tess, I never usually take work calls but I have a client who’s really worried that the shithead she’s divorcing is going to get custody and…”

“Please go ahead. There’s no need to apologise.”

Ashley flashes her a quick smile before leaving, answering the phone on her way out of the kitchen, voice switching to a professional, but still kind, tone.

Tessa looks down at Nathan to see if he’d like someone to play with but he seems content and maybe it might be better to let him be for a little minute, see if it calms him down some. She’s already a little nervous that it might be a difficult bedtime. If Ashley is on her phone maybe she can look at hers too.

She intends to look at her work emails, she really does, but a text from Scott is right there waiting for her. She’s been doing her best to put some space between them but it’d be rude to simply ignore him.

It’s a picture of a huge plastic box filled with sweets and chocolate bars, with a caption of ‘ _How is there still so much junk food left over from this party?_ ’

Tessa feels the smile start to grow on her face despite herself. ‘ _You could use it for baking. Or wait, give it to someone who actually home bakes._ ’

He replies straight away, she wonders if he’s getting ready for work. She doesn’t like thinking of him there, it makes her more anxious than she thinks it really should. ‘ _I guess I’ll give it to my mom then, don’t know anyone else who home bakes._ ’

She’s still laughing when Ashley comes back in. “Who are you texting?” she asks immediately, avid interest in her tone. “You have that look you used to have when you texted…” Her face falls. “Shit, how can I not remember his name? That guy you dated in high school? Generic white guy?”

Tessa waits her out.

“Kyle!” Ashley seems to be fighting her urge to fistpump. “You have the look you had when you were messaging him,” she turns her head to the side, sly smile forming, “except if he actually knew what to do with his dick.”

Tessa coughs. “It’s just a friend.”

“A friend with a dick.”

“Well, I haven’t seen any evidence that he doesn’t have one.” She’s seen a lot of evidence that he does, could describe every vein, its length, its girth, how it feels inside her.

Ashley doesn’t seem convinced. “If you haven’t been anywhere near it then you want to be.”

“I… my husband just died.” She shouldn’t be acting like this is a joke.

Her friend reaches out to pat her hand. “He didn’t _just_ die, Tess. You’re allowed to have fun whenever you’re ready for that, no matter how early or late you think that is.”

Tessa tries to give her a smile back. The earlier lightness is gone though, and the worries and guilt are back with a force she wasn’t expecting, her throat tight. If Ashley can figure her out, how long until everyone else does?

They’re both a little quieter as they clean up and then say goodbye.

“I’m really sorry if I pushed too far on who you were talking to earlier,” Ashley says, lingering at the front door.

“It’s fine.” Tessa plays with the buttons on her blouse. “Being widowed just really fucking sucks.”

Ashley gives her a huge hug. “We’ll meet up again next week or the week after, okay? Whenever suits you.”

Nathan comes running in, wrapping his arms around Tessa’s legs. “Do you want to say goodbye again to Ashley, honey?”

He sticks his face behind her leg, but shoves out his hand and waves.

Ashley laughs. “It was really good to see you again, buddy. We’ll get more familiar with each other soon. Time for sleep now, yeah?”

Tessa can feel Nathan shaking his head behind her. She waits for Ashley to drive off and then gets going with the bedtime routine.

An hour and a half later and he’s still not in bed.

First, he refused to change into his pajamas, fighting tooth and nail against Tessa as she tried to take off the outfit he’d worn for the day. Though she eventually got it off, Nathan laid on the floor, face down, crying, making it near impossible to get into his pajamas. She managed to get his sleep shorts on but gives up trying to get the shirt on, too exhausted to keep fighting about clothes. He hadn’t wanted to brush his teeth or go potty either and the standoff that ensued was ridiculous, Nathan having bit down on his toothbrush and refusing to move it.

They make it back down the hall and Nathan stands in the center of his room, hands clenched into tiny fists at his sides. “ _No_ ,” he yells, his face pinched in anger. “I want tractor.”

Tessa runs her free hand down her face. “Tractor isn’t a bed toy. You can have your chicken or cow instead.”

Glaring up at her, Nathan shakes his head. “Tractor,” he repeats, like the emphasis is what she needed to give him what she wants. He reaches out to take the toy from her but Tessa is quick to put it on top of his dresser. This only makes him more mad, hot tears starting to make their way down his cheeks. “Mama, I need it!”

“No, I’m sorry, Nathan,” she says. She hopes she sounds more calm than she feels. “There are too many pointy pieces and I don’t want you getting hurt while you sleep. You love cuddling with Buttercup.” She grabs the cow and tries to hand it to him.

Logic means nothing to a toddler and, as such, Nathan drops to his butt and starts crying harder, hands reaching out not towards Tessa, but towards the toy. “It’s mine! I need it!”

Tessa shakes her head. “Nathan, come on. Don’t you want to read Old MacDonald? We have to climb into bed for that.” Nathan doesn’t acknowledge her at all. She rubs at her temple, letting him carry on for a minute longer before changing tactics. “Okay, we don’t have to read before bed. Mama will let you feel what you’re feeling, but I’m going to go to my bed.”

That produces a shriek from her son, his legs kicking at the floor. “Mama, no! Mama don’t go!” He scrambles over to her, pulling himself up by the fabric of her dress. Tessa thinks he’d climb up into her arms if he could. “Mama always go,” he sobs and Tessa freezes. “Mama please no.”

She gathers him in her arms, her baby’s body shaking with the force of his tears. “I’m not going anywhere, Nathan,” she says fiercely, swallows hard in an effort to stop herself from crying. She presses him as close as she can to her body. “Mama’s here, baby. I’ll always be here.” Nathan shakes his head and Tessa pays no attention to the drool, snot, and tears that are finding a home in her neck, too focused on what Nathan is saying. Tessa rubs his back and starts to gently sway back and forth, trying in any way she can to calm him down.

They hadn’t dealt with separation well in the first few months after the accident, either of them, but Nathan hasn’t been this bad for a long time. Had she… maybe she had been spending too much time with work, too much time with Scott. Work was unfortunately necessary but something she had tried to keep in check. Scott, on the other hand…

She thinks back to all the times she had asked Jordan or Marian or her mom to watch Nathan a little longer than usual so she could go see Scott. Times that could have been better spent taking her son out or cooking with him or putting him to bed. She had taken advantage of the Bradys’ love of spending time with Nathan by using that time to fuck someone who wasn’t their son. What an awful thing to do to people who had only ever been wonderful to her.

Scott made her feel better which in turn made her parent better. But if this is the current result of whatever it is that she and Scott are doing? Well, it’s just not worth it.

Nothing should come before Nathan. Nothing _will_ come before Nathan.

Not anymore.

She takes Nathan to her room and waits until he falls asleep, exhausted and spent against her, to start crying herself.

—

Scott’s worried he’s going to be late for group because he got tied up talking to one of the moms after practice, she seemed really concerned about little Mykaylya’s (what was with all the ‘y’s?) passing skills seeing as the kid had barely turned five. But when he gets there people are just sitting down. He notices Tessa first, and smiles to himself when he sees that she’s wearing jeans and not the usual businessy outfits she wears to group. But when he sits down he thinks she looks tired, more wan than he’s probably ever seen her. She’s always so well-turned out for group, and when they’re alone he thinks she shines. He hasn’t heard that much from her over the past few days, he figured she’d been busy with work or Nathan, but maybe something’s been bothering her? Should he have chased up on that?

Amanda bangs her gong and goes through her thoughts for the session, but none of it really goes in for Scott. He’s just thinking about Tessa.

The first person to bring up something they’ve been struggling with is Kurt, which is unusual. He talks about a fight he’d had with his sister not long before she passed and how even though they’d resolved it he keeps regretting it, thinking that it was a waste of time. The older man runs his brown shoe over and back along the carpet. “Is that just me? Do any of the rest of you have a fight like that?”

“Jonathan and I fought two days before he died,” Tessa says, voice shaky.

Everyone else seems to be shifting in their seats but Scott stays frozen still.

“It was probably the worst fight we ever had. We never really fought, and I thought that was a good thing, but now I… Now I’m not so sure.” She picks at a piece of loose thread on her jeans. “We’d been talking about starting IVF again for a while, or at least I’d been talking about it, and he told me that he couldn’t do it again, that he wouldn’t let me put myself through that again, and that it would be too… put too much strain on our marriage.”

He’d presumed that the IVF process had been difficult, but she’d never said it had put so much pressure on her marriage. She’d never admitted to there being anything wrong there before now.

Tessa takes a deep breath. “And then I said that was okay, we might still get pregnant naturally,” she laughs, bitterly, “as if we hadn’t already been trying that for a year with nothing happening, and then the years before that…” She sobs, and it’s so loud in the quiet room, everyone’s attention on her. “I said that we should start researching fostering and adoption, that there were kids who would need loving families and…” She takes another breath. “He said that he didn’t want to go down that route. Not yet. That we needed to take time to… to get used to the idea first, just to be parents and focus on Nathan.”

She wipes her nose, and it surprises him, that she’d do that here just with her sleeve and not with one of the tissues he knows she keeps in her purse. “And I was so horrible to him. I acted like he said he never wanted to adopt, and that wasn’t what he said, not really. He just wanted to wait, but I… I was so tired of having to wait.” The tiredness is there in her voice, etched into the way her body sags. “I waited every month and I was always disappointed. Always left feeling like a failure. I just wanted a plan. And... I think I was mad that he didn’t want to do IVF again. It had worked the last time! It had taken three tries, but it had worked. And I didn’t get why he didn’t want to try with me. I always tried for him.”

Scott is mad too. Why didn’t Jonathan try if it meant that much to her? Tessa wanted more kids, he should have been doing everything he could to make that happen, or explaining to her better why that wasn’t the right time.

He has to lean closer because when she starts speaking again it’s quieter and faster. “I thought that maybe he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That that was why he didn’t want to talk about more kids. He had this idea for a new app and I thought that meant he was ready to move on from what we worked for, from us. That he was going to leave me behind. I was so cold with him those last two days, we stopped arguing but nothing was resolved. I,” her face breaks and she starts to cry, “I don’t even know if I told him that I love him that morning. I don’t know.”

Scott wants to go over and hug her, but he can’t, and he’s not sure she’d want that. Madi puts an arm around her and Tessa rests her head on her shoulder. Anne’s chair squeaks behind him and he thinks she’s going to say something but then Tessa starts speaking again, voice different now, soft and melodic.

“His phone was perfect after the accident. Isn’t that so stupid? That he died but there wasn’t a scratch on his phone? I was looking at it, the next day or the day after, and in the notes app there was this list of baby names, all with annotations beside them on the meaning and why he liked it or why he thought I’d like it. He must have had it for a long time but it had been updated the day before he died.” Tessa closes her eyes. “The last name he added was Elizabeth. And beside it he wrote ‘Tessa’s favourite book and film!’” He hears the exclamation point in her voice, sees it in how she lifts her shoulders a little. She sounds ragged again. “I watched _Pride and Prejudice_ the night before he died because it always made me feel better. I was thinking he was going to leave and was sick of me talking about babies and kids when he was adding to this list of what he wanted to name them.” She bites her lip, so hard he worries that she’ll draw blood. “And the other thing he wrote beside it was that Elizabeth had to wait a long time too, and then this quote from the bible.” Her voice is unsure now, careful. “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfil his promises to her.”

Tessa takes another breath. “I let him down. I feel like I just keep letting him down.”

Boris and Kaitlyn both rush to reassure her, and Madi rubs her arm and whispers something to her. Scott doesn’t know what to say, or if he should say anything at all. It doesn't feel like his place. So he stays silent for the rest of the meeting, earning a few speculative looks from Anne. She offers to take him out for a beer after, he feels guilty about lying and saying he’s going home to the girls when really he’s just waiting around for Tessa.

It’s a surprise when she leaves the church alone, he thought someone would have been with her. He climbs out of the van and walks over to her.

“How are you?” he asks.

Tessa bobs her head a little. “Not great, really.”

“Do you, uh, do you want to talk about it?” He scratches the back of his neck, unsure whether he should reach out and touch her.

“No, thank you though.” Her eyes are tearing up again. “I’m, I’m really sorry, but I think we - could we take a break? I’m not really… in the right place for, uh, this right now.”

“Of course. Please don’t apologise. You… you need to do what’s right for you.” And maybe taking a break wouldn’t be bad for him either. It would give him more time to focus on the girls. He’s worried that he’s been distracted recently.

“I had you all wrong at first,” Tessa says, giving him a watery smile. “I thought you were an asshole.”

He laughs, but there’s no joy to it. “I was a little bit.”

“No. I don’t think so.” She pulls at the sleeves of her flowery top. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He steps towards and pulls her into him, hugging her tight. For a moment he wonders if he’s overstepped, but then she sinks into him. Comfort-giving and taking all at once. “Tess, I understand. You need to put yourself first, okay? You and your kid.”

She nods into his chest. “I can’t let him down.” Scott can’t figure out if she means Nathan or Jonathan.

“I know.” He rubs her back. “I know.”

Tessa steps back after a minute, maybe more. “I’ll see you next week at group, okay?”

“Yeah. See you then, kiddo.”

He tries to smile as she walks away, but he doesn’t know it if quite sticks. The walk back to the minivan is a lonely one as an empty feeling starts to root into his stomach. He wants what’s best for Tessa, but he’s going to miss spending time with her.

He’s going to miss her.

—

It’s not a good week. It’s not a good week at all.

Tessa had thought that taking a break from Scott would clear her head, give her time to focus on Nathan, on being the type of widow she should be, not the one she has been for the past few months. But she’s even more distracted than before - wondering about what Scott is doing, missing how he tastes, how he feels, how he touches her. She thinks about texting him, not even to ask to meet up, but just to talk. He gets what it’s like to be a single parent in a way that no one else in her life does. But he might not want to speak to her at all, and surely messaging him isn’t part of taking a break. When the delivery of the lingerie they’d ordered together arrives she holds it to her chest for a full minute before shoving it one of her closets, not ready to look at the pieces when she doesn’t know when, or if, he will see them in person.

She feels flat, in a way she hasn’t in quite some time. Nathan remains her bright spot, but the hollowness waits for her when he’s at playgroup, or spending time with Marian and Frank, or in the evening when it’s just her. She tries to do other things like meet up again with Ashley or go shopping with Tanith, but the idea just exhausts her. Those things would probably help her mood, but they seem like work. She’s afraid her friends would notice something is up.

Jordan seems to, patting her hand at dinner on Wednesday. “Is something bothering you, Tess? You seem a little quieter this week.” Her sister plays with her food, dragging her fork over the salmon. “It’s okay to have setbacks, but… you seemed to have been doing so well these past few weeks.”

Tessa looks over to the baby monitor, listens to Nathan’s soft, steady breaths. “I think I should spend more time with Nathan. Maybe I’ve been relying on everyone else too much.”

“No,” her sister says firmly. “You have not. It’s good for him to get time with other people, and it’s good for you to have a break.”

“I don’t need a break from my son,” Tessa bristles.

Jordan taps her fingers on the table. “I didn’t word that the best. It’s good for you to have time that isn’t just about him, or just about work. You need time for you. It’s good for you to have time just with me, or Tanith, or the people you meet up with from group.” Tessa shuffles her feet underneath the table. “You had time like that before, right? Why should that be different now?”

Because now Tessa doesn’t know how to manage something for herself. Because now, Nathan only has her. She swallows hard, staring at the asparagus on her plate. “Jonathan is gone. I’m the only parent he has left.” Maybe Nathan had got the shitty end of the deal there.

“But you’re not the only family he has left. He has people who love him and want to take care of him, and that’s a good thing. I love spending time with him, so does Mom, so do Marian and Frank.” Jordan abandons the fork and grasps Tessa’s hands in her own. “You are a good mom, Tess, and you’re doing a really fucking great job in a hard situation that you never expected to have to deal with. Let us help you.”

Tessa isn’t convinced that she is but Jordan sounds so sure of herself that maybe Tessa can cut herself some slack. She leans over to hug her sister. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that. You’ve been there for me when I needed you, and right now you’re the one who needs a little more support. And I am happy to be able to try and give it.”

Tessa holds her sister tight.

 

When Friday comes along she starts to wonder about what she should wear to group. It’s not that she’s planning on anything, Scott might have plans and, anyway, even if Jordan might have been right about needing time to herself, that time doesn’t have to involve Scott. Though she’d like if it did.

Tessa is planning on heading for the shower when she gets a call from Tanith. She’s got caught up at the dance studio and wants to know if Tessa can get Jenny and watch her at soccer practice. Tessa says yes before thinking through that this will mean she has to see Scott a little earlier than expected. She cringes a little at her greasy hair and faded, fraying cut offs as she puts together a bag of things to keep Nathan and Jenny occupied. She throws her hair up in a bun before she leaves, Nathan thankfully excited at the prospect of time with his best friend.

As she’s driving to the field after picking up Jenny, and the coolbox the sitter said that Tanith had prepared earlier, it’s like her skin is sparking or something. Nerves maybe. Or just the idea of seeing him again.

She takes Jenny out of the spare carseat she keeps for times like this first, knowing she’s a little less patient than her own baby. Nathan starts toying with her silver chain once he’s on her hip and as she walks back around to the trunk she thinks that while she has no trouble carrying him on his own, two almost three year olds is a significant task. She just stares at the cooler and big handbag in the trunk for a minute.

“I’m not so sure I thought this through, guys,” she informs the toddlers in her arms, who are babbling together and not listening to a word she’s saying. Maybe she could leave them with Charlie for a minute and then head back? She doesn’t want to walk with them just holding her hands in the parking lot, what if one of them let go and a car came around suddenly?

Tessa knows it’s him from the way he walks, can smell that aftershave he uses as he comes closer. “Hey, do you need a hand?”

She turns around and her smile appears before she has time to get nervous. He’s holding Mollie in one hand and a bag of soccer balls in the other. “I’m not sure you have any free ones either. Hi Mollie.”

Mollie waves. “This is Tessa, remember?” Scott says.

She rolls her eyes and points at Nathan. “She’s that little boy’s mom, of course I remember.” She reaches out to give high fives to both Nathan and Jenny, touch light against their little palms.

Scott shifts the bag of equipment up onto his shoulder and raises his eyebrows at Tessa as if for permission before grabbing the cooler from the trunk. She takes the handbag with toys and books out before shutting and locking the car.

“Thank you,” she tells him.

He just smiles in response and she finds herself thinking that he might be even more handsome than she’d been remembering. The selfie he’d sent her that first night they sexted that she’d maybe looked at a few times over the week didn’t do him justice.

“I know it’s a little late, but happy birthday, Mollie! Did you have a good day?”

Mollie puffs out her chest a little. “I’m five now!” Tessa hopes that she looks suitably impressed. “We had a party! There was cake and cookies and ice-cream and…” Mollie goes on to list all the people who were there as they make their way over to the field, Scott having encouraged her to switch to his side that was closest to Tessa so she could talk to her more easily. He smiles down at her but doesn’t intervene, just letting her tell the story herself. “Do you like parties?” Mollie asks Jenny and Nathan.

Jenny yells out “Yes!”, throwing her arms in the air and shaking them about while Nathan merely nods, cuddling in a little closer to Tessa. Scott mouths, “Shy?” to her and she nods, before kissing her little boy’s curls.

Mollie runs off to her friends once she sees them while Scott leaves down the equipment bag and finds Tessa a shady spot to sit down in, putting the cooler down for her. Jenny wriggles out of her arms and Nathan is happy to join her in walking about a little once he checks that Tessa isn’t going anywhere as she reaches into her bag for the picnic rug. “Thank you so much, Scott.”

He gives her an easy smile. “It was no problem.” He pushes his hair back. She wants to run her fingers through it and she shoves her hands into her pockets before she accidentally reaches out. “How have you been?”

She thinks of telling him she’s felt awful and unmoored, at once happy that she’s spending more time with Nathan even if it’s making her go a little stir crazy, and also guilty that she misses him so much.

But all of that is much too heavy, so she settles on a cool nod. “Okay. And you?”

“Yeah, okay.” He casts a glance over to where Charlie is starting to try and corral the kids. “I should go help, I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sure.” She bends down then to help Nathan and Jenny fish out the toys they’re peeking into her bag to find. They settle down on the blanket with some little plastic animals and cars. She’s laughing at Jenny’s decision to name the little calf Cowith when Scott rushes over, a bottle of sunscreen in hand and Mollie trailing after him.

He is almost frantic while Mollie just looks back at where the other kids have started practicing. “Tessa? Are you busy? Could you put some sunscreen on Mollie? It hasn’t been too long since we last applied but I don’t want to take any chances and I have to start up drills and…” He’s talking a mile a minute, clearly worried.

“That’s no problem,” she says, voice calm in an effort to balance him out. “Is that okay with you, Mollie?”

“Yeah,” she says, taking the Factor 80 bottle out of her dad’s hands and placing it in Tessa’s.

“Thank you, sweetie. Go ahead,” Tessa tells Scott, nodding over to the group of kids. He smiles at her, still a little strained, before leaving. “Will we do your arms first?” she asks Mollie.

“That’s how Daddy does it,” Mollie says approvingly. Tessa pours some cream into her hands before placing dots of it up and down Mollie’s arm and then rubbing it in. It has a nice summery smell, not too artificial. “You use more than Grandma but less than Daddy.”

“Is that okay? Would you like more?” Tessa is confident she’s applying a correct amount, but she wants to be sure Mollie is happy.

“No, this is good. Daddy uses way too much.. Grandma says he’s going to spend all his money on sunscreen!”

Tessa smiles at Mollie’s giggles but has to make an effort to not let herself get too emotional about Scott working so hard to take care of his daughters. “Is it okay if I put some on your legs now, Mollie?”

“Yup!” Mollie starts chatting to Nathan and Jenny about their toys, sometimes shooting Tessa a look when she can’t figure out what they’re saying as if asking her to interpret. Tessa does her best.

With a quick swipe to the back of Mollie’s neck and the tips of her ears, Tessa closes the bottle of sunscreen. “All done now!”

Mollie beams and pulls at her ponytail that is falling apart under her baseball cap.

“Would you like me to put your hair up? Tessa asks, cleaning her hands with a wet wipe.

“Yes please.” Mollie plops down on the rug in front of her. “Becca did it before she went to dance camp but it started getting messy when Daddy made me put on the hat. She’s not as good as Mommy was yet.”

Tessa squeezes Mollie’s shoulder. “The hat is important in the sun,” Tessa tells her as she removes it and then her scrunchie. “I don’t have a brush so I’m just going to put it back up, okay?”

Mollie nods her head vigorously, which makes keeping a hold on all her hair a little challenging. “I don’t like having my hair brushed.”

Tessa makes sure to use a gentle grip as she twists the scrunchie to put up Mollie’s hair. She apologises before tightening it, and then smooths down the ponytail before putting the cap back on and threading it through the back.

Mollie stands up and turns around, saying “Thank you, Tessa!” before throwing her arms around her. Tessa returns the hug, her heart pulling a little at how tightly Mollie holds on. She’s so trusting and open and it reminds Tessa so much of her dad.

“That was such a lovely hug, I’m very lucky. Would you like to go over to join the practice now?” Mollie nods excitedly. “Just stay in the shade for a little while first, your dad will let you know when you can be in the sun.”

Mollie runs off, Tessa watching as the little girl hugs her dad before joining a group working on passing the ball. Scott waves at her, she can’t quite see his eyes because of the sun. She waves back and turns her attention to the little ones beside her who are completely engrossed with their toys. Tessa gets out a report she’s been going through but she doesn’t take much of it in. She keeps looking up at Scott.

He’s amazing with the kids, always encouraging. He seems to be able to pick out something good about what every single one is doing and praise them for it. He makes sure they’re doing the activities but also having fun. From what Tessa can tell he’s good at giving each child the kind of attention they need - high fives and loud noises for some, and quiet words of praise and smiles for others. He also looks really great in sweatpants and a faded Hip t-shirt. It’s embarrassing how much she wants him right now, she’s here with her son watching him with a bunch of kids, thinking about how much she’d like to take him home with her.

She’s pretty sure she’s not the only one having those kind of thoughts, judging by the whispers she can hear from the other parents around her. One of the moms in front of her actually brings up the fact that his wife is dead and that she could comfort him. It’s shameless. Tessa might actually have done that but at least she kept it to herself and wasn’t talking about it in broad daylight at a kids’ soccer practice. It gives her a twisty feeling in her stomach listening to other people talk about Scott like that. He’s not hers, but he’s more hers than theirs. Her stomach turns faster when she thinks that it would be so much easier for him if he did start seeing a single mom from here rather than a widow he met at grief support. Much less complicated. Maybe Scott is ready to meet someone who can give him more than Tessa can. Maybe she should encourage him to do that, be a good friend.

The kids are getting restless beside her so she suggests a game of Duck, Duck, Goose knowing that they both love it. Tessa doesn’t really see much fun in playing it with just three, but Nathan and Jenny’s laughter goes some way towards making up for the annoyance of having to take teeny steps walking around in circles, or getting her head patted about thirty times a minute. They switch to Ring A Ring O’ Roses and it’s after about the fifteenth ‘all fall down’ that Tanith appears.

“I’ve never loved you more than in this moment,” she announces, collapsing down beside them on the grass.

“How was the extra dance class you had to take?”

“Loud.” Tanith cuddles Jenny close to her. “Nobody’s kids are as nice as ours. We must have got the good ones.”

Tessa laughs, looking at how Nathan is carefully observing the soccer game that’s just finishing up.

“Would you like to have a go, Nathan?” Tanith asks. “I can take you and Jenny over to Charlie and CJ and they can show you how to play.”

Tessa beams a smile at Nathan when he turns around to look at her, and then he happily goes off hand in hand with Tanith and Jenny. Her friend returns to her soon, filling her in on more of the happenings at the studio. Tessa watches Scott give Mollie a huge hug as she goes off with one of the other girls and her mom before he returns to pick up the equipment and then join Charlie in playing with the kids.

It seems like Nathan isn’t quite sure about how best to kick the ball, resorting to throwing it about half the time instead. Charlie is mediating between Jenny and CJ and Scott seems to look to him before going over to help Nathan out. He gets down on his haunches beside him to tell him something and then stands up again, demonstrating how to kick the ball further, before encouraging Nathan to give it a shot. Nathan’s first try doesn’t get very far still, but the second one is much better, and he smiles so wide. Scott grins too, celebrating like Nathan just scored a goal.

All the while watching them Tessa’s throat is closing up as she hugs her arms around her folded knees. She doesn’t know how she’s feeling, or how she’s meant to feel. It’s like she’s being pulled all over the place. Tessa had never known that something could taste so sweet and so sad at the very same time.

Tanith reaches over to take Tessa’s hand and they just sit together for a little while, until Tanith looks down at her phone. “Oh shit, Tess, you have group this evening, right?”

“Yeah?”

“It starts in like half an hour.”

“Shit.” She jumps up, throwing everything back into her bag. “I have to leave Nathan at Jordan’s, and I wanted to have a shower and change first, I’m all sweaty and grass stains.”

“How about we take Nathan to Jordan’s for you and you go home and get ready? It’s the least I can do after you braved soccer practice for me. Now that they’re gone I can say loudly that some of those moms are the worst.”

They kind of are. She looks over at Nathan who’s now kicking a ball back and forth with Jenny. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Thank you so much, I’ll just go tell him.”

Nathan runs over when he sees her coming and she scoops him up. “You were doing such an amazing job! Did you have fun?”

“Kick the ball!” he says, eyes so bright with excitement.

“You did!” She kisses his cheek. “Mama has to go now, Charlie and Tanith are going to take you to Auntie Jo’s, is that okay?”

His eyebrows furrow a little and he clings on tight for a second, before asking, “Jenny and CJ?”

“They’ll be in the car too, yes. And then you get to hang out with Auntie Jo.”

He thinks this over before nodding and giving her a wet kiss on her cheek.

“Thank you, my love.” She hugs him extra close and gives him another kiss before setting him back down on the grass.

Scott is over talking to Charlie, is he heading straight to group from here? “Scott?” she calls, his head whipping around to hers. “Are you just going to group from here?”

He looks down at his watch and then rushes over to her, grabbing the equipment bag on his way. “I didn’t realise it was so late.”

They wave goodbye to the kids and Tanith and Charlie, walking towards their cars together. It’s silent for a minute before she says, “You were amazing with all those kids.”

His ears go a little red. “I don't know about that.”

“You were,” she insists. “They all love you.”

“I, uh, I always liked kids. I’d have liked to have some more but, uh, things with me and Sarah…” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “I should probably let you go ahead. I have to go home and get a shower.”

“Me too. My hair’s all greasy.” Scott shakes his head at her. The parking lot is empty and she doesn’t want to say goodbye to him, even for just a short space of time, now that they’re finally alone together again. She needs more time. There’s a giddiness that overtakes her when she realises she can make that happen.“My house is closer. You could shower there.”

He blinks rapidly, but she can still see his eyes darken for a second. “For, uh, convenience?”

She shrugs. “We could do other stuff before the shower.”

His face falls and she’s convinced he’s going to turn her down, but he says, “We don’t have time for that, kiddo. Not before group.”

“We could skip group.” His mouth drops open. Maybe that wasn’t an entirely fair thing to suggest. “Sorry, we don’t have to do that. It’s helpful, we should…”

“I’ll skip,” he says quickly. “If that’s what you want to do. If you’re ready.”

“Let’s skip then.” She needs to be close to him again, needs to be wrapped up in him. It can’t be bad for Nathan if it makes her feel better, if she’s just taking some time to be simply herself while he is with people who love him.

Scott grins. “I’ll see you at your house then.”

She looks around and leans up to peck him on the cheek. “I can’t wait.” She thinks about telling him that she missed him, the words halfway formed on her lips, before she worries that it’s too much. So she kisses his cheek again and lightly pushes him towards his car.

Her skin is sparking again on the way home, and this time she knows it’s the excitement of getting to be with him again. She can have this. They can have this together.

—

It’s the first time he’s ever seen inside her bedroom.

A momentous occasion, one he should probably savor and show her how thankful he is, how proud, that she’s sharing this part of her life with him. But his hands are full of her and she’s kissing him for the first time in over a week, arms wrapped tight around his neck, and everything else falls away. All he wants is her.

His shirt is the first to go, a needy little noise escaping her mouth when Tessa realizes they must part so he can get it over his head, and then his track pants are shoved unceremoniously down to his feet, gravity taking care of most of the work. Before she can kiss him again, his fingers curl under the hem of her shirt, careful not to get her necklace and hair tangled in the fabric. Underneath is the plainest bra he has ever seen her in, simple and black with the tiniest little bow sitting against her sternum. He unbuttons her jean cutoffs and he finds himself laughing, completely enamoured by the way she wiggles her hips to get them to join his pants on the floor. Her underwear are equally unremarkable, a pair of pink cotton boy shorts.

It is completely obvious to him now that she looks gorgeous in everything and in nothing.

Her hands come to rest on his chest, shaky yet somehow sure, her palms resting heavy while her fingers spread, soft and light. He watches her stare at a nondescript expanse of skin by his collarbone. Excitement or maybe relief is pouring from her and though there is a beautiful glint in her eyes, he can see her thinking, the cogs turning inside of her now that they’re both nearly naked.

Tessa blinks and then meets his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she sighs. Her fingers curl, nails pricking him so lightly that it sends a shiver through his entire body.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Her hair is piled on top of her head in a mess of a bun and Scott longs to take it down, to bury his fingers in it even though she had told him earlier it was greasy. He settles on the next best thing, palming the back of her neck, thumb rubbing at her hairline. “You’re the most important thing, kiddo. Never apologize for taking time for you.”

He can see how hard she swallows just before she nods. “I missed you,” she whispers, her eyebrows inching just the tiniest bit closer, like she’s nervous about telling him this. As if it doesn’t make his heart thump harder against her touch to hear her confess what he feels too.

Scott brings her closer and drops his forehead against hers. “Me too,” he sighs. She relaxes the minute he says the words, her body losing its tension in a wave, starting in her face and ending in her wiggling toes. He only has a second to take in the small smile that forms on her face because then she’s pressing forward, lips sticky and sweet from chapstick sliding against his own. It’s his turn to melt, her touch unwinding him the way his words smoothed her out.

The rest of their clothes make their way to the floor and somehow they get into the bed, her body tucked underneath his own. Her hands feel like they’re everywhere: sliding down the plane of his back, curling around his arms, palming the back of his neck, gripping at his ass. He has to prop himself up on one elbow because he wants to touch her too. He doesn’t know if Tessa will need to take time after this again (would never blame her if she did) so he wants to cherish this in a way he hadn’t the last time. He cups her breast, rolling her pebbled nipple between his fingers, before following the curve of her torso, his fingers counting each rib until her body gives way to the soft curving of her waist. At the swell of her hip, he squeezes, treated to her soft moan against his mouth, the most beautiful thanks he could receive for knowing how much she loves that spot.

“I need you,” Tessa rasps in between kisses. She tilts her hips, feet locking at the small of his back, does her damndest to get him inside of her. He slips against her and somehow he wasn’t expecting for her to be so wet already. He curses, unsure if it’s because of how ready she is for him or that he has to pull away just enough so that he can see what he’s doing.

He strokes his cock once before lining himself up with her entrance. She foils his attempt at going slow, uses her legs to bring him in faster, grabs for him to come closer to her once more. She’s so warm and tight and he falls back to both elbows, eyes squeezed shut.

He had gone without sex for a lot longer than two weeks before and yet this feels more overwhelming than any other time he’s broken a period of celibacy.

She gives no reprieve, doesn’t let him get used to the feeling of being inside her again. Her hips move against his own, managing short, shallow thrusts. She kisses him even harder, licking into his mouth with one hand in his hair and the other at his waist.

He feels completely wrapped up in her. He cannot think of a better place to be.

He starts to jog his hips, settling into an easy rhythm to match the one she’s started. She moans and he can feel the vibration against her lips, swallows the sound like it is the most delicious thing he’s ever been given. Part of him wants to pull back to look at her, to take in how her face shifts and falls apart, to see how her body moves when he’s fucking into her. He’s done it before and is endlessly fascinated and infatuated with it, with her, but the thought of putting any more space between them makes his stomach churn after a week of radio silence.

He thrusts into her faster and, oh, he’s not sure how long he’ll be able to last. Feeling her hips flex and twitch around his, feeling her cunt flutter and leak around his cock, feelings her breasts pressed against his chest… it’s too much, _way_ too much when paired with her needy kisses and beautiful noises.

“Tess,” he pants, her name apologetic on his tongue.

She nods, murmurs something he can’t quite catch with how hard his heart is thumping in his ears, but she’s looking at him so sweet, with hooded eyes and parted lips and flushed all the way down her neck.

Two more thrusts is all he has and then he’s spilling inside her, Tessa’s hands cradling his face as she kisses his lips. He slumps against her and he worries, despite his orgasm-laden brain, that he could be squishing her but she wraps her arms around him, her legs still keeping him against her too, until there isn’t any space at all between them.

He hides his face in her neck. She smells like sweat and sunscreen and grass. She smells amazing.

Their bodies are slick and Scott is sure he isn’t helping with how hard he’s breathing against her. “Sorry.”

A hand starts combing through his hair, feather light. “What for?”

“That didn’t last very long,” he says after a big gulp of air. “ _I_ didn’t last very long.”

She kisses his temple and then her nails start to scratch at his scalp. “You know, someone told me before that sex wasn’t just about orgasms.”

He laughs and rolls away just enough to be able to get a good look at her face. She’s wearing an easy smile, looking more sure of herself than she had earlier. He kisses her, sweet and simple, because he can.

Her legs have gone slack around him and he slips out of her, relishing in the way her eyes flutter shut at the feeling. His fingers make their way to the cradle of her hips, finds her so impossibly slick now that he’s come inside her too. “Can I?” He traces over her folds delicately, only palming her when she nods, presses herself into his touch.

She’s still spread open, his middle finger slotting between her folds. He’s leaking out of her, can feel his thick come meeting his touch and this is more overwhelming than he expected. He’s never done this before, not with anyone, and he tells himself, right then, not to get used to it.

He should be thankful he gets to enjoy it now but prepare to never have it again. Just like how he should be thinking about Tessa.

Two fingers curl inside her and Scott watches Tessa’s body arch as he enters her. It’s a different sensation, being inside her when she’s already filled, their coupling making vulgar, sloppy noises. She feels somehow softer, warmer, and impossibly wet. He presses his palm against her clit, her cunt tightening around his fingers with the newly added pressure. On his next thrust, he adds another finger and feels more of his come slip out of her. He groans into her shoulder. “God, you feel so good, so perfect.”

She whimpers as her hand comes down to hold on to his wrist. “Faster,” she breathes and he doubles down his efforts, fucking her exactly how she wants it. His dick is already hard again between them but he wants this to be about her, wants to give her everything she could ever need or want. Scooting down a little, he nips at the top of her breast, leaves a trail of red starbursts against her pale skin, before taking her nipple in his mouth. His tongue swirls around the hard bud as he moves his thumb in circles over her clit, grinning around the swell of flesh when her hips start losing any sort of rhythm and there’s a mantra of “Fuck, fuck, fuck” spilling from her mouth.

It’s getting harder and harder to thrust, his fingers finding the best death between her thighs, so he purses his lips and sucks her nipple into his mouth while dragging his nail across her clit. With a final thrust, her thighs try to press closed and she locks up around him as a warm gush envelops his hand.

He pulls off her breast with a pop, satisfied grin already taking place on his swollen lips. There are little aftershocks that run through her and he can feel every one, maybe eggs her on by fluttering his fingers. She swats at his shoulder but she lets out an exhausted laugh too. After a few more deep breaths, Tessa lets her leg fall back to the mattress and so Scott pulls out of her slowly.

It’s an absolute mess between her thighs, the mixture of their come filling his palm and dripping down his hand. Thick strings of it hang lazy between his fingers and he groans, rubbing his hand up and down the length of her cunt, just to keep playing with the moisture there. He thinks he could stay there forever and Tessa would be okay with it, if her little moans are anything to go by. He manages to pull another soft orgasm from her before he finally drags his hand up her body, rubbing their come across her stomach, her breasts, her collarbone. Her body ripples beneath his touch, her own hand following in the wake of his path.

She tilts her chin towards her chest and he watches with wide eyes as she takes one of his fingers into her mouth. His forehead drops back down against her chest, licking at the come drying on her body as his dick twitches between them.

He watches her hand go to her cunt, looks at it shimmer with them in the light, sucks in a breath when she wraps her hand around his cock.

Later, when they’re so spent that the only thing they have the strength to do is exchange lazy kisses, he tells her about his week. He leaves out how much he had missed her, hopes that it was obvious in how he touched her because he’s maybe a little scared that she’ll run if he says it out loud, even if she had been brave enough to admit it so plainly earlier. He doesn’t want her to feel guilty for taking time and, truthfully, he _did_ have a good week, even if each day was bookended by this ache for her. So, he tells her about the girls, about work, about the soccer team, about the beds he’s sketched out to build for Becca and Mollie.

Tessa’s fingers skate along his hand, following the valleys and hills of his knuckles. She rubs at the indent left from his wedding ring that has only just started to fill back out now that it stays in the top drawer of his dresser. He can feel her next breath come slower. The urge to pull his hand away grows inside of him, wishing that this moment of reconnection could be as simple as he and she, but then Tessa is lacing their fingers together and the feeling to move away falls away.

“Can I explain myself?” she asks in a quiet voice.

He looks down at her as she props her chin on to his chest, already shaking his head. “You don’t need to.”

“I know,” she answers. “But I'd like to, if that’s okay.” She's looking at him so openly that he is helpless to deny her this. Timidly, he nods and he’s rewarded with a kiss over his heart before she looks back up at him. “I felt as though I wasn’t being a good mother.” Scott is quick to open his mouth, every synapse inside him alight with the need to defend her, even if it is to herself. He understands the guilt of feeling like a failing parent, has felt that on more than one occasion since Sarah’s passing, but he’s seen Tessa with her son and it feels so far from the truth. She shushes him before he can get anything out, continuing to share with him her motivation for their time apart. “And even though you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me, so wonderful it makes me mad sometimes, I thought it was the time I was spending with you that was the problem. Not that I used you as a scapegoat, I was too mad at myself for that… I didn’t think my priorities were where they should have been. I was getting overwhelmed and Nathan had a hard week and I believed that it was my behavior with you that caused it…” She lays her head back down on his chest. “I’m sure you _did_ influence me because, well, this week was really bad for me. And _that_ was worse for Nathan. He’s so sensitive and when I feel bad about myself, it’s like he isn’t a little kid anymore. He has to transform into my caretaker and, god, he’s two. It shouldn’t be like that.”

Scott pulls her closer, dropping her hand only so he can wrap both arms around her tight. When he kisses the top of her head, he feels her eyelashes flutter against his skin, a bit of moisture falling against him. She takes a deep breath. “I’m not ready for anything, I know that I’m not… but I want to keep going, I want to be with you like this, and uh, talk to you and spend time with you.”

It’s amazing, Scott thinks, how something can elate him and terrify him all at once. He’s felt like this before, a few times. Marrying Sarah, the birth of Becca and of Mollie, his first run at the station. If he wants to be honest with himself, he felt this way that very first night in the van with Tessa, too. This woman who he holds in his arms, this absolute force that he is lucky and privileged to know, has laid herself bare, in every sense of the word, and the weight of it lands on Scott’s heart.

Tessa looks up at him again. Her face is open and bright, looking every bit how he imagines Eve did in Eden, when she knew no shame and no pain. Not flawless, no, he would never put that on her, but like a woman who has managed to carry more than she should have to bear and come out the other side.

(Maybe, he thinks, she’s like Eve after the fall, too, though he cannot imagine how any man could blame her for anything at all.)

“If you want,” she says. Always ready to give him an out, as if he would ever need it.

He nods and his hand comes to tangle in her hair. “Yeah, I want.”

She smiles, brilliant and blinding, and then kisses him again.

—

“Oh.”

Tessa props herself up on her elbows and looks up at Scott. That is not what she had been expecting to hear. At least, not with that confused lilt to his voice. She looks at the white lace in his hand only to find the fabric and his fingers stained with a muddy red. “Oh my god.” She had noticed some light cramping earlier but her period was still a few days out. “I’m so sorry,” she groans as she falls onto her back. Her hands cover her face which is warm to the touch and no doubt coloring red.

She can hear Scott moving around, probably standing back up. Tessa clamps her thighs shut and her knees knock against his legs. “Why are you sorry?” His voice sounds a little further away, prompting her to look out from under her hands. She doesn’t see him anywhere but then the tap starts in the bathroom.

“For bleeding on you,” she starts. They’ve been having such a good time lately, settling in to an easy groove now that they’ve decided to start things back up. The past two weeks have been… Tessa doesn’t want to say great but it finally feels a little easier to breathe now. She pushes up, intending to sit before remembering she has no underwear on and her period, and quickly gets off the bed. “And for ruining the mood.” Where are her underwear? She blinks down at the floor, kicks Scott’s shirt and her cardigan out of the way even though she knows they couldn’t possibly have gotten under there. She looks to the bedside table, the dresser at the foot of the bed. This would all be so much easier at her house, of course this is the day they decide to go to his.

Tessa stands in the doorway just as Scott yells, “You didn’t ruin the mood.”

She laughs a little, despite how uncomfortable she feels. “I’m right here.” Her underwear are in his hands under the running water. There’s an open bottle of baby shampoo on the counter and she realizes that her underwear are slightly sudsy in his grip. “Are -” She blinks. “Are you cleaning my panties?”

She watches as the tips of his ears flush. “You looked like you needed a moment.” Scott clears his throat as his thumb rubs over the crotch of her underwear. He won’t look at her. “The stain would’ve set.”

Tessa leans into the door jam, arms crossed loosely in front of her. “A lot of guys would make a big deal out of this,” she states. And they certainly wouldn’t clean her underwear. Her brothers and father had always been mortified at the talk of periods. Jonathan had been caring, always quick to get her a heating pad or some ibuprofen, but even he wouldn’t have done this.

Scott shrugs. “It’s not like you can help it.” He nods to himself, once, before he turns off the faucet and lays the underwear flat on the countertop. “You feeling okay?”

She cradles her arms closer around her body. “I hate getting my period anyway, and now I’m not getting any orgasms.” She sounds so whiny.

“Why aren’t you getting orgasms?”

Surely he can’t be serious. “Because of my period?”

He shrugs again as he dries his hands. “I don’t have a problem with it.” He puts the hand towel back on the rack, the fabric rumpled. Tessa forces herself not to smooth it, fold the towel until it hangs neat and tidy. “If you’re not feeling up to it, I understand.” He smiles, nice and easy, like he isn’t absolutely blowing her mind right now.

“You’re very strange.”

He snorts. “You ever get complimented on your dirty talk before?” Reaching out for her hip, Scott moves her closer. “You could win awards,” he teases and it pulls a scoff from her lips. As if she’d ever dirty talked with anyone else. “You really know how to make me feel good about myself.”

“I do make you feel good though, right?” It’s like she’s been overtaken by neediness, requires reassurance on every little thing.

Scott lifts up her chin, oh so gently. “Tess, I was just joking. Of course you do.” He presses a soft kiss to her lips. “I can make you feel good, if that’s still what you want.”

“You’re sure you don’t mind?” she asks, voice quiet and hesitant. Had he done this with Sarah? It had never come up with Jonathan, her periods always leaving her in a fair amount of pain before she finally managed to get pregnant with Nathan.

“If you want to, I want to,” he assures her.

She absolutely does want to, she’s just nervous about the mess, and slightly confused that he seems so blasé about it all. But this is Scott, he’s been proving her assumptions wrong for months now. “In the shower? It will be easier to clean up?”

“Perfect,” he praises, kissing her cheek. “We’ll need to take this off first,” he says, his fingers creeping up her back and then deftly opening her bra. “Can’t have your pretty things getting wet.”

“You like my pretty things,” she says, stubborn, and he dips his head down to where her shoulder meets her neck and uses his teeth just right.

“I do.” He places the bra just above her panties, its pure white a contrast to what she’s dirtied.

“How hot do you want the water? Is your back sore?”

She licks her lips, forces herself not to cock her head to the side as she watches him move to the shower. “Um, yeah, it is. Hot would be good.”

He leans into the shower and turns it on. “It takes a minute to heat up right,” he apologises.

Scott moves closer to her and she relaxes, anticipating his touch. She tries to guess where he’ll go first, her breasts maybe, but then his hand goes around her and she thinks she was wrong, that he’s going for her ass instead. Wrong again, she thinks, as he puts his hands on her lower back and starts to massage her. “Is that better?”

It is better with his rougher hands kneading her soft skin, it’s so much better. “So good,” she murmurs. He smiles down at her, face so calm and content, before kissing her, a little firmer now, desire in amongst the comfort.

He leads her into the shower when the water is warm enough and she pulls his head down and kisses him as the spray hits her face, lacing her arms around the back of his neck. He keeps one hand on her back and moves the other in between them. Whenever she’d thought about having sex on her period before she always thought that it might feel kind of weird, that it’d just put her into even greater discomfort than she was already in. But Scott’s fingers feel as good as ever, and when he turns her around and fills her with his cock, it still takes the breath from her lungs, like for this tiny fraction of time she’s whole and complete and real.

He pulls back a little and then enters her slowly, her fingers curling and catching in the grout between the tiles. The flesh at her hip is squeezed in his grip and the fingertips of his other hand press into the base of her back. “Okay?” he checks in, rubbing small circles over her tailbone. At her nod, his hand falls back to her hip as he starts thrusting in earnest, applying a little bit more pressure with each stroke, checking in now and then to make sure this is how she wants it.

“Harder,” she tells him, “harder, please. Just want to feel you.” She doesn’t want to think about anything else. And if they finish faster it will be less messy for him.

“Whatever you want, Tessa.” She loves the sound of his voice at her ear.

It’s not that she’s never had sex in the shower before, but it’s never been this smooth. Tessa remembers being so scared that she or Jonathan would slip, remembers how getting the angle just right was difficult with their height difference and with so little to hold on to. There is none of that with Scott. He holds her so steady, one hand at her hip and another on her arm, so that with every stroke he keeps her close, even when he’s fucking her so hard that she jerks forward with the motion. He had slipped in so easy, needing nothing more than her to put her feet apart. She hates comparing them, especially during times like this when the comparisons make it seem that Jonathan was lacking, but it’s so difficult when Scott is lighting her body on fire in a way she’s not sure Jonathan ever had, not for a long time at least.

Tessa shakes her head minutely in an attempt to clear her mind before tossing her wet hair over her shoulder. “Can we -” she’s not entirely sure how to describe what she wants so she moves herself. No longer bent at the waist, Tessa tries to bring herself as close to Scott’s chest as she can, pleased when he takes ahold of both her arms behind her back to keep her upright. The change of angle is nothing short of heavenly and she manages a moan that lasts the next few thrusts. He feels _so_ deep now and she feels so full.

Scott’s teeth sink into the exposed slope of her neck, tongue and lips soothing once her skin is indented and red. “God, you’re so tight, babe,” he growls in her ear. A high pitched whine tears from her throat then, mixing with the wet slapping noise that’s amplified by the shower stream. She’s not sure she ever knew how musical sex could be. It’s not that her sex was silent before but nothing ever came together quite like this, the noises before never sounding so beautiful when they are really quite vulgar.

Tessa barely registers the freedom of one of her arms, too focused on the way his fingers slip and circle against her clit. She has the thought of him sliding further down, of squeezing in a finger alongside his cock. It makes her clench tighter around him and his thrusts stutter as he has to work harder to bury himself inside her. A strangled sort of laugh hits the back of her neck, making Tessa look over her shoulder. Wet tendrils hang over his brow, water falling from his hair down the slope of his nose. He’s beautiful like this. The grin that stretches his lips has her dripping around his cock and her head falling back to his shoulder, enjoying the pressure of her arm trapped between their bodies, his hand still holding her tight.

“I’ve got you,” he says.

She covers his hand with her own and guides his up her chest towards her breasts. “Soft touch,” she sighs, straightening just a little. She presses three fingers, firm, against her clit, finds the rhythm that always works for her. Scott’s fingers appear in front of her mouth and she opens up for him, sucks them in, the digits wet with water and the salty tang of her come. She moans around him and nips at his fingers when he withdraws them, as if to hurry him up so that he’ll put his hand where she wants it. He laughs again, deep and throaty, and she loves what it does to her, how it makes arousal build within her, wants to keep hearing him make the sound again and again.

He finally returns his hand to where she’d placed it, giving her exactly what she wants, feather light strokes and the gentlest squeezes, his hands so caring and protective while his cock is driving into her.

“I wouldn’t miss any opportunity to do this with you,” he whispers, “I want you all the time.” It’s this, along with his hands and his thrusts and her fingers pressed just right against her, that sends her over the edge.

A broken ‘fuck’ drags out of her as she comes hard around him. He pauses inside her but she shakes her head as best she can, patting his hip. “Keep going,” she pants. “Don’t stop until you come inside me.”

“Christ,” he murmurs into her neck. “Do you want me to slow down?”

“Faster,” she tells him. She wants him to feel the same way she does, sated and strung out.

He doubles down, fucking into her so hard and so fast that Tessa feels dizzy. It’s overwhelming in the best way. She cannot think, only feel. Feel his thick cock pulsating, feel it stretching her, hitting the best spots inside her, feel her ass ripple with each thrust. He buries his face in her neck once more, this time his teeth only a shadow against her skin as he sucks. She abandons her clit, too sensitive to keep playing with, and reaches back to bury her hand in his hair. It does the trick because suddenly he’s gasping against her and spilling inside of her, coating her walls in his come.

He falls heavy against her and it pushes her back against the tile. She hums at the weight, holding him tight to her when he tries to pull away. She feels so secure surrounded by him.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he mumbles.

She squeezes his hand. “You take such good care of me.” He kisses her shoulder before leading her out, making her pause as he lays a towel on the ground to make sure she doesn’t slip before wrapping her in a fluffy bath towel.

“How bad was it?” Tessa asks once they’re drying off. Scott looks up from underneath his towel, confusion furrowing his brow. Tessa waves to the general area of her crotch. “Was there a lot of blood?”

A blush colors his cheeks. He always looks so cute like this. “I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really focused on that.” He brings his towel down to rest around his shoulders, hands tight around the ends. “But I don’t think there was.”

Tessa tucks her towel under her arms with a small nod. She goes over to the counter by the sink and checks if her underwear is dry. They’re not, but maybe Scott has a hairdryer she can use before she leaves.

“And, uh, even if there had been, you know, a lot…” He wipes his face. “It wouldn’t have been a big deal. I love what we do and that doesn’t change just because you have your period. It’s just something to do with your body and…” he grins all of a sudden, like he’s found solid ground, “your body is fantastic.”

“Um, okay… Thanks.” Tessa looks away, back down at her bra and panties, and tries to ignores the pink in her cheeks that she sees in the mirror. He’s told her she’s beautiful before, she’s not quite so sure what’s different about it this time. “These aren’t dry yet.”

“I can get you something to wear. Do you have tampons?” He frowns, “I don’t think there are any still around here.”

“I always have some in my purse.”

“Of course you do, Miss Prepared.” He kisses her forehead before heading out back into the bedroom. He comes back with her bag, her cardigan, some folded sweatpants that’s she guessing are his, and soft blue boxers that definitely are. “This is the best I could do. I figured you might want something looser.”

“That’s… that’s great, thanks.” She hadn’t been looking forward to putting the fitted pencil skirt back on.

He hovers, like he’s not sure about leaving. “The girls won’t be back for another few hours.”

She’s still cramping, just a little, and while he may be fine with the potential mess, Tessa could do without another shower. “Okay. I, uh, don’t really feel like doing anything else…”

“I wasn’t thinking about anything like that.” He knocks the side of his fist against the counter. “We could watch a movie.”

“As long as it’s not _Home on the Range_ ,” she quips.

He laughs, “Never again. I’ll let you get dressed.” He kisses her, and she pulls him closer, not willing to let him go just yet. He makes to leave, only to pause as he’s closing the door. “Do you want something to eat?”

She is hungry, she realises. “I could eat. Only if you’re having something.”

“Well, I’m starving.” He winks at her before he leaves. “I didn’t get to eat you out earlier.”

Tessa grins, feeling so much better now than she had earlier. He always makes her feel better.

—

Cooking with Tessa is fun. Or, more specifically, it’s fun to tease her about how carefully she cuts everything up and how she keeps checking on the sauce.

“It’s just vegetables and tomatoes, Tess. It’s not complicated.” He pulls her into his side when she peers over his shoulder as he stirs for about the tenth time. “I can tell you don’t actually bake.”

“I do bake! And when you bake you have to be very careful about consistency. You would know this if baked yourself rather than just using premade mixes.” The disdain is dripping from her voice.

“I don’t remember you complaining that night.” He kisses her temple. He hopes it’s okay to bring that up, he knows that it had probably been a large part of what contributed to her wanting to take a break. Things have been great between them since then though, better than ever.

“The pot must have been a redeeming factor.” Tessa turns his head so that she can press a quick kiss to his lips. “Should I put on the pasta?”

“That would be great, it’s in the cupboard on the bottom nearest the door. Do you want spaghetti or fusilli? We might have some penne too.”

Tessa opens up the cupboard and takes out the fusilli. “I’m not fussy. This is open so we’ll go with that.” He starts to laugh when she takes down the scale and starts to pour in some pasta, keeping her eyes carefully on the balance. “I like to be exact!” she protests. “It’s important for both nutrition and budgeting.”

He knows Tessa no longer needs to budget her pasta consumption, but he has a feeling that she may well have done in the past. It hadn’t really occurred to him to be nervous about having her here, and she certainly doesn’t seem to mind that his kitchen is half the size of hers or the worn patches on the counter. She seems very at home here.

“What was the house you grew up in like?” he asks.

She finishes pouring the pasta into the boiling water. “A lot like this one. Except my mom had a thing about neatness so it wasn’t as, uh, cozy maybe. It wasn’t too far away from here either.”

He wonders if he’s passed it before, wonders if he’s passed her before, in another lifetime. “Did you live there until you went to college?”

“No,” she sighs, a little sad and wistful at the same time. “We moved out when my parents divorced. My brothers had gone to college so it was just me, my sister and my mom in a little apartment. It was pretty cramped.” She stirs the pasta. “I don’t think I thought back then you could ever have too much space in a house, but now I know better.”

He leaves the stove to get two bowls down. “Have you thought about moving?” It’s not the first time she’s mentioned the house being too large.

“I have, but…” Her voice quiets right down. “Jonathan really loved that house. I think it meant a lot to him that we could buy it ourselves after the success we had with the business.”

Tessa is the one who has to live there now, though. He’s not sure whether it’s appropriate to say that to her, at least not at this point. “I think it would be hard for me to move,” he says instead. “There are so many memories of the girls.”

She smiles at him, grateful, before they busy themselves with plating their meal.

“Is there somewhere you want me to sit, or, uh, not sit?” she asks when they’re walking over to the table.

He pulls out the chair to his right where Mollie sits. Sarah had always sat to his left, with her back to the window. He scoots the chair a little closer to his own and Tessa rolls her eyes at him, but then squeezes his hand when she sits down.

It’s so easy, sitting here and eating with her. He thinks if it had been a few weeks ago this would have freaked her out, him too maybe, but she just seems content, the conversation flowing so naturally between them. They wash up together afterwards and he notices her grimacing a little.

“Do you need a painkiller?”

She shakes her head as her hand goes to her stomach, rubbing it gently. “Something warm seems to be working better for me recently.”

“I have some hot water bottles if you’d like one? Or if you’d prefer to head home.” He doesn’t want to make her feel like she has to stay. He knows that she hates being home alone but he also knows that sometimes all you want is your own bed when you feel crummy.

“I’d like to stay, if that’s okay.” He nods quickly, relief shooting through him, and she smiles. “Jordan told me I wasn’t to interrupt her date with Nathan until six anyway, and the girls won’t be home until after that, right?” He nods again. “A hot water bottle would be great, thanks.”

He sends her into the living room and makes one up for her, hoping she won’t mind the fluffy pink cover.

When he joins her, he sees that she already has something fluffy making her feel better. Marner has buried his head in her lap and Tessa is rubbing at his ears.

“I have a new best friend,” she informs him, using that cooing voice people seem to like to adopt around his dog.

She crowds in close beside him when he sits down, snuggling the hot water bottle against her stomach. Marner puts his paws in Scott’s lap as if to spread out his affection. “You’re sure you don’t want any painkillers? I have Advil.”

“It’s really not that bad. I think wanting the heat is probably more a comfort thing than anything.” She worries at her bottom lip. “I still feel so shitty whenever I’m on my period.” He reaches out to take her hand in his. “And it’s so stupid because I’m not trying to get pregnant,” her eyes widen, “ _obviously_. But it still makes me feel like a failure.” She lets out a little puff of air, her head falling to his shoulder. “My brain switched from thinking getting my period was a good thing to a bad thing so quickly when we started trying, but it seems to be taking a lot longer for it to switch back.”

Scott doesn’t know what it’s like to try for a long time. Becca had been a surprise and then Sarah got pregnant with Mollie about two or three months after they decided to have another baby. He knows he can’t understand the pain Tessa has gone through.

She continues before he has time to think of something that could try and help her. “Back when I was in college, and right when we were starting out, I was always so relieved to get it, even though we were so careful back then.” She spins her rings about with her thumb, trying for a self-deprecating laugh, “Probably never needed to be.”

“I’m sorry that that happened to you.” It’s not much, but it’s honest, and he can tell from the way she smiles at him, soft and understanding, that she appreciates it.

She lifts her head, her left hand going to his face, her other still holding onto his. “You’re so sweet. It’s one of my favourite things about you.”

He leans in to kiss her. “You have multiple favourite things about me? How times have changed.” They both laugh in between kisses. “What are your other favourite things?”

Tessa pulls him closer. “Oh, you’ll have to work for that.”

Marner starts barking, moving away from them and scratching his paws on the floor. That dog is going to ruin his floors sooner than later. “Out please, Marner!”

Tessa just laughs, starting to play with the hair at the back of his head. The hot water bottle between them is a little too warm for July for him, but if it makes her feel better he won’t be complaining. He’s just inching his hands underneath her cardigan when the dog takes off, and then they hear a ruckus at the door.

“Silly Marner!” Mollie giggles. “Are you ex- excited to see us?”

Scott springs up from the couch and Tessa starts fixing her cardigan and her hair.

“Daddy?” Becca calls. “Grandma has to leave us back early because Aunt Carol needs her help.”

“Ilderton Fair business,” his mom explains.

Shit, they’re all in the hall. He stands up to go and meet them there but Mollie is already careening towards him, grabbing him by the legs when she reaches him. “I missed you, Daddy!”

He tousles her curls. “I missed you too, baby.”

She looks around and spots the room’s other occupant. “Tessa!” Mollie rushes over and throws her arms around her before Scott can tell her to take it easy.

Tessa looks a little surprised but her smile is wide and real. “Hi, Mollie. How are you?”

“Good! Is Nathan here?”

Tessa blinks. “No, he’s with his aunt. I was just visiting your dad.”

Becca and his mom arrive in the living room, his mom widening her eyes at him when Tessa stands up. There is no way she’s going to think they had spent the whole visit just chatting.

“You’re wearing Daddy’s clothes!” Mollie giggles.

Tessa’s face goes white, clearly having forgotten about the sweatpants. “We had dinner earlier and I spilt pasta sauce _all_ over my skirt. Your dad had to put it in the wash for me.”

Mollie nods sympathetically. “I’m clumsy when I eat too.”

“You must be Becca,” Tessa says, turning to his eldest with the sweetest smile he’s ever seen. She doesn’t move any closer, giving Becca the space she usually needs when meeting new people, but does offer a little wave. “It’s really good to meet you. I’m Tessa, I know your dad from group.”

“Are you the lady who bakes?” his mom asks just as Tessa is about to shake her hand.

“Yes, that’s me.” Tessa rolls her eyes, adding, “Not that Scott is convinced.”

His mom barks out a laugh.

Mollie tugs at Tessa’s hand to get her to sit down beside her, and Tessa grants her wish.

Becca sits down too, looking at Tessa like she’s sizing her up. “What kind of things do you bake?”

“Oh, all sorts of things.” Tessa tuck her hair behind her ears. Mollie does the same which makes Becca’s face twitch. “Cookies, muffins, lemon bars… I’m not very good at decorating though.” She adds the last bit in an exaggerated whisper, like she’s letting his girls in on one of her secrets.

Becca nods. “I like baking too,” she says, swinging her feet.

“So do I!” Mollie interjects. He’s impressed that Becca doesn’t say what he’s thinking - that Mollie has never shown an interest in baking in her life.

“What’s your favourite thing to make?” Tessa asks, looking at both girls.

“Scott,” his mom draws his attention to her, eyebrows raised. “Will you walk me out to the car please?”

The girls thank their grandma and say goodbye and then turn straight back to Tessa.

Scott follows his mom out to the car, waiting for her to start talking.

They’re at the sedan when she says, “You’re a grown man, and this is none of my business, but… Did Tessa lose her spouse or?”

Of course she noticed the wedding and engagement rings (even though Tessa’s engagement ring is surprisingly simple, he thinks he looked at similar ones before proposing to Sarah). “Her husband. It was a car accident, around the same time as Sarah.”

He can tell his mom is trying not to look relieved. “That must have been a huge shock for her.”

Scott just nods, because what is there to say really?

His mom fiddles with her car keys. “The two of you are both in a fragile place right now, I hope that you’re careful with one another.”

It gives him a lump in his throat. “We are. And we’re careful about the kids too, most of all. I’ve never asked you to take them just so we could…”

“Oh, Scotty.” She reaches out to squeeze his arm. “I know that. Just… you need to let me know if you’re going to have someone over when I have the girls so I know when not to bring them back early. We could have walked in on something else.”

“I don’t have other people over, not like that, just Tessa.” He doesn’t want his mom to think he’s been sleeping around since Sarah passed, and, if he thinks about it a little harder, he wants her to know there’s only Tessa. That this isn’t just sex.

His mom raises her eyebrows at him again, fond and maybe a little disbelieving. “I know that too, honey.”

“You won’t tell anyone, right?”

She frowns. “I don’t keep secrets from you dad, Scott.”

“Not Dad, but… just don’t tell anyone else, please.” He rubs at the back of his neck.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” She kisses his cheek. “Go back in to all those girls. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Thanks, Ma.” He hugs her and waves her off as she drives away.

He hears Becca telling Tessa about the book series she’s reading about a ballerina as he walks through the hall. When he goes back inside the living room Mollie has wormed her way onto Tessa’s lap and they’re both listening to Becca, who sounds a lot more confident and engaged than she usually does with new people.

None of them seem to take much notice of him at first, which might be for the best seeing as his heart feels like it’s expanding at a painful rate and it’s like his body is shaking even though he knows that he’s standing completely still. This is what he wants. Eating dinner with Tessa and then hanging out with their kids, Nathan too of course. He’s known for quite some time that he’s seen their relationship as more than just physical, and he’s known since the end of their break that she feels the same. But this, what he wants, is serious. It’s quite a few steps ahead of where they are now.

And he knows that Tessa isn’t ready for that. Not yet. Maybe not ever?

Scott clears his throat and they all look up at him, all three perfectly relaxed, Tessa having none of the skittishness in her eyes she had earlier. “Do you girls want to take the books you got in the library up to your room?”

Mollie looks like she’s about to complain when Tessa says, “I need to be going home to Nathan now. Maybe we can talk more about the books you’re reading another time?”

Mollie hugs her and pops off her knee before grabbing the book bag she’d let fall and going upstairs. Becca says a shy ‘goodbye’ and follows her up.

“Are you okay?” he whispers to Tessa.

“I’m fine, really.” She laughs. “We were just making out fully clothed, at least. I did get nervous with your mom, but the girls are great.” Her smile grows a little. “I was happy to get a chance to meet Becca. She reminds me of Nathan.”

“My mom, uh, she’s not going to tell anyone. Well, apart from my dad, but he’s not going to tell anyone either.”

“I wasn’t worrying about that,” Tessa says kindly. She tugs at the sleeve of her cardigan. “A little worried about what she’s going to think about me maybe.”

How could anyone not love her? Scott swallows hard at that thought. “She just wanted to know that we were being careful with one another.”

Tessa smiles, and reaches out to stroke her hand down his arm. “Do you want me to go up and get my stuff or will you do it?”

“I’ll do it. Are you okay to go home wearing those?”

“Sure. They’re a lot comfier anyway. I can wash them and give them back to you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He rushes upstairs and grabs her things - the purse and skirt neatly lying on the bed, and then the still damp panties lying on his bathroom counter. He tucks them into the purse for her.

She still looks just as composed when he goes back down. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I wouldn’t be this calm if it was my mother,” she admits, after thanking him for getting her stuff. “But we can’t change what happened, and no one saw anything they shouldn’t have.”

“I should have thought about the possibility of them coming back earlier.”

She shakes her head. “How were you to know? It’s fine, I promise.” Tessa looks up the stairs before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I really do need to be going to get Nathan though. I’ll see you soon, yes?”

“Yes. I’ll text you later.”

“Good.” She blows him a kiss as she walks out to her car.

Scott closes the door and tries to stop thinking about how good she’d looked here with his girls.

—

She really should have known when she woke up feeling nauseous. The bleeding four days ago had been so light, different to her normal periods. But she’d kept telling herself that was just due to stress, her cycle had been all over place ever since the accident, and the other symptoms could just be PMS. There had been no implantation bleeding last time after all. She repeats all this in her head as she makes her way to the ensuite, and as she throws up into the cistern, the almost chilly white material of the sink she’s holding onto cooling her hands. It’s when she sees herself in the mirror over the sink as she washes her hands and rinses out her mouth, the advice from her OB/GYN about not brushing her teeth after vomiting as it rubbed the acid into teeth ringing through her ears, that she knows. Her face looks just like it had for those first three months when she was expecting Nathan, wan and tired, like she’d been wrung dry. Not all that different from those first few months after the accident either.

The nausea rises again. She staggers back and sits on the edge of the bath, putting her head between her knees. She doesn’t _understand_. How can she be pregnant? It had taken so much time and effort and expense for her and Jonathan to make a baby, and now… Maybe it’s a coincidence. She had a prawn salad the night before, shellfish have disagreed with her mom for as long as she can remember, maybe it’s developing in her too. She’ll take a test and it will be negative, just like all the other home tests she used to take back when they were trying. And this time that will be a good thing.

Tessa is about to go rooting in one of the huge cabinets for her supply when she hears little feet on the heavy carpet of her bedroom, and then a call of “Mama?”

“I’m in the bathroom, baby, I’m coming out now.” Nathan comes into her, rubbing his eyes. His blonde curls are even messier than usual and she’s surprised he’s doing so well navigating his way around without his glasses. She scoops him up into her arms and he clings on tight, and everything feels a little more normal. “It’s early for you to be up, are you getting to be a morning person?” His sleeping patterns have always been more like hers than his dad’s.

“Sick?” he asks, putting the back of his hand to her forehead. “Temp?” He is the sweetest, kindest child. But should he know about checking for temperatures when he’s not even three yet? Is Scott right about what he’d said in group that time near the beginning – that she’s too protective, always fearing the worst? Fuck, she can’t think about Scott right now.

“No, honey, I’m okay.” She kisses his cheek. “Thank you for helping to take care of me. Would you like oatmeal for breakfast? With some fruit?”

“Strawberries?” he asks hopefully. “And booberries?”

“Your favourites, strawberries and blueberries.” She walks out of her room and into his, picking up his blue glasses that wrap around his head and handing them to him to pull on. She’s getting better at encouraging his independence, she is.

The nausea stays at bay as she heats up the oatmeal and cuts up the strawberries, talking to Nathan about what she has planned for their morning as she potters about the kitchen. It’s a good thing it’s one of the mornings she doesn’t work, she’d be so distracted. For a minute she wonders about calling Marian to see if she’s free to watch Nathan, but quickly decides against it. She can’t talk to her mother-in-law right now. It’d all come pouring out before she has a chance to stop it and Tessa can’t bear to think of altering her life drastically twice in one day. After drinking one cup of coffee she switches to water. Lots of water.

Tessa feels bad about setting Nathan up in her bed with an iPad and some episodes of _Paw Patrol_ , she’s so careful about screen time, and he never has any when it’s just the two of them. But she doesn’t want him coming in on her while she takes the tests.

It’s so stupid that she still has a collection of them, she thinks as she checks the dates. They hadn’t been like those couples she used to read about, the lucky ones who conceived without help after IVF. There’s only one that isn’t usable anymore, so she has six to prove herself wrong. She reads the instructions carefully even though she can recite them in her head. It’s overzealous of her, she only needs two negatives to know, but she uses them all.

They’re not all the same brand so the results come in at different intervals, and the crazy thing is that her brain can’t shut off the thrill she’d always wanted when she sees each one show up positive.

This amazing feeling that there’s a _baby_ starting to grow inside her, that her body can do this, bubbles up inside her, unwilling to yield in the face of her reality. They’d found out about being pregnant with Nathan at the clinic, she never got this moment before.

But it means something so very different now, and as that starts to take root in her, the tears come fast and strong as she sinks to the ground. Oh, god. Scott. How can she tell Scott? She must be louder than she intended because her sweet son comes in again and wraps his little arms around her.

“Sad, Mama?” He wipes away her tears.

“Yes, I’m sad.” It’s a whole lot more complicated than that.

“Missing Dada?” It’s the phrase he so often gets in response to his question.

“Yes, Nathan, I miss Dada very much.” Except for once, that isn’t the truth. This might be the first time alone with her son that she doesn’t miss Jonathan at all, the first time she doesn’t want to speak to him, wouldn’t give anything for one last conversation. Because how on earth could she tell him that she’s pregnant with another man’s child?

 

Jordan comes within the hour, and Tessa hates how selfish she is for dragging her sister out of work to help her deal with the mess she’s made. What is she going to say to her, to think of her, when she tells her?

“A bad one?” Jordan asks as soon as she’s in the living room, Tessa curled up on the couch with Nathan playing with his blocks on the rug in front of her.

“Auntie Jo!” he says, all glee, and runs over to her.

She picks him up and hugs him, saying over his head, “Do you want to go up to bed or do you want to talk about it?”

“I need to tell you something,” she says, her voice quiet and strained.

Jordan’s eyes are more worried than she’s seen them in a while. “Okay,” she says calmly, putting Nathan back on the floor and telling him to build the tallest tower he can, before sitting down beside her and taking Tessa’s hand.

She has to open her mouth and close it twice before she can get the words to come out, and even then they’re barely more than a whisper. “I’m pregnant.”

Jordan looks straight down to her stomach, frowning, and then back up to her face. “But… how far along? You’re definitely not… I thought you used the remaining eggs you’d harvested for that last round?”

Tessa swallows around the ever growing lump in her throat. “It’s…” She puts her hands over her eyes. She can’t look at her sister right now, can’t look at her son. What has she done? “It’s not Jonathan’s.”

“Oh, Tess.” Her sister wraps her arms around her, tight. “That’s okay. You don’t need to feel scared to tell me. I’m here.” This just makes her cry. She tucks her head into Jordan’s shoulder. “Was it a one-night stand?” Jordan freezes and then an eerie calm enters her voice, like it’s hiding fear underneath. “Do you remember, honey?”

It would be so easy, to take the out her sister is giving her. Tessa wonders, so very briefly, if it’s a sign. First Jordan assumes the baby is Jonathan’s, now that it was just a once off, that Tessa might have been so drunk she forgot, or something darker still. She wouldn’t lie about that, but could she tell her sister it was some stranger she met at a bar? Like Scott had said that evening at group. That he’d been kind, and it had been good, but she had felt so guilty afterwards. But she can’t lie, she doesn’t want to, not to Jordan, not about this. She takes a deep breath, fills her lungs. “It wasn’t just one time. It’s… it’s Scott.”

Her sister pauses rubbing her back, and asks, curiosity breaking through, “Scott from your bereavement support group? The guy you used to complain about all the time?” There’s a new understanding on Jordan’s face, she must be thinking about how Tessa hasn’t mentioned him in so long.

“Yes.” Her answer is part wail, part groan, part sigh. “I know I shouldn’t have done it.”

Jordan holds her tighter. “Did it make you feel better? Did he treat you well?” Tessa’s not sure what exactly she was expecting Jordan to say next but it certainly wasn’t that. What does it matter when this is the current reality?

And yet, Tessa cannot stop herself from pushing up and looking her sister in the eyes as she emphatically answers, “Yes.” She doesn’t have the words right now to describe how good it is, how good he is.

A smile, cautious in the turns of Jordan’s lips, is sent her way. “Well then,” she says as she brushes Tessa’s hair over her shoulder, “I think it was the right thing.”

Tessa shakes her head, pulling from her sister’s embrace. “Jonathan wasn’t even six months dead when we started, his wife either. How can that be the right thing?” She gulps down some air. Now that she’s said it out loud, she can’t stop herself, the words rushing out like she’s at confession. “I came onto him in the parking lot after group, we fucked in his _minivan_. In front of a _church_.”

Jordan blinks a few times, frowns when she tries to do the math. “Since April? That time you came home all dazed?”

“Yeah.” Of course she had known something was up, even if she couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Okay.” She can see all of the questions lining up in Jordan’s eyes, can see how Jordan must be when she works, filing the questions into the best order that brings out the truth. Jordan runs her hand up and down Tessa’s arm. “And have you been seeing him often since then?”

She nods. “A lot. It was just… it was just sex at the start.” She scrubs a hand along her cheek. “A release, I guess.”

“You both needed comfort,” her sister suggests with a nod of her own. “It makes sense that you might find that together.”

Tessa worries her bottom lip. “It’s, uh -“ She takes a deep breath before she pulls her knees against her chest. “It’s not just sex now.” Tessa doesn’t know what her relationship with Scott is, but it’s certainly not just physical. If it were, she would’ve never let him around Nathan, never into her bedroom. She puts her face in her hands again. “What if I messed it all up?” It’s the core of the problem. Just when she was starting to see a new picture forming, a different but acceptable alternative to her life, it all came tumbling down, a sentence for her sins. “What if I’d just waited? We could have dated after a few months. Maybe I - maybe I ruined what we could have had.” Too soon, too soon, too soon.

She shakes her head in an effort to regain any bit of composure she can. “How can I be pregnant? It took… it took _everything_ to have Nathan. And this? A few times without a condom? I was so _stupid_.” She should have been more sensible. Not acted like some hormonal teenager. “But… I really thought maybe it didn’t work for me like this. But if it does…” She doesn’t want to say it but she needs answers, unbiased ones. “What does that mean? Does that mean Jonathan and I weren’t as good for each other as I thought? That we weren’t compatible?”

Jordan’s shaking her head before Tessa can even finish speaking. “Hey, you two having trouble conceiving has nothing to do with compatibility.” Her voice is stern and Tessa knows that what Jordan is saying is absolutely not up for debate. “You know this. Struggling to have a baby didn’t mean that the two of you didn’t work. You made it through all that hard stuff, of course you had to be good for each other to come through that.”

Relief, however small, passes over her then. She’s not sure she quite believes it but Tessa knows she won't be able to function if she dwells on what this could mean in regards to her and Jonathan. She sniffs, rubs the back of her hand under her nose. “I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

“First, you should have bloods done with your doctor to make sure. I’m guessing you took a home test?”

She nods. “Six.”

Jordan’s eyes widen. “Oh, okay then. Well, check with your doctor and then… you can think about your options.”

She has. A little bit. “I… I know it might be... sensible? To terminate? But I can’t even think about doing it.” She looks down at Nathan, concentrating so hard on putting one brightly coloured block atop another. So blissfully unaware of the chaos she’s about to bring to his life. It’s selfish to do this to him, she knows that. And yet… “I went through so much to get pregnant. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to have this chance again.”

“Okay,” Jordan says, squeezing her arm. “That’s okay. Have you… have you talked about this with Scott?”

“No, not yet.” For a nanosecond, some infinitesimal sliver of time, she wonders if she could just not tell him. Would that be easier on him? He already has his girls and his work, can she put this on him too? Would it be kinder to leave him out it? But she rebels against this idea as soon as it enters her mind, her stomach churning at the thought. She could never hide this from him. Even if is too much for him he has a right to know, a right to decide that for himself.

How will she cope if he doesn’t want to be involved though? If he doesn’t want to see her anymore? What if he hates her, thinks she planned this? What if she loses him too?

“I don’t know what to do,” she repeats, the tears coming harder and faster. “What are people going to think? How do I tell…” She can’t even get their names out. “Everyone is going to think I’m a…” Everything will be ruined again. Instead of being looked at with pity, she’ll be looked down on, cast out.

Nathan seems to have finally clued in on the events happening on the couch, little frown appearing on his thin lips. He leaves his blocks behind and climbs up on her lap. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m sad again.”

“Good to cry,” he tells her, clearly parroting something he’s been told. He smiles a little but Tessa can see how worried she’s making him. “Mama needs to cry.”

She laughs a little, the sound slightly deafened by his curls as she kisses them. “I guess I do.”

“You are one smart kid,” Jordan praises. “I love how you’re giving Mama a big hug. That’s exactly what she needs right now.”

Tessa turns her head so she can raise her eyebrows at her sister.

“This is exactly what you need right now. You need to rest a little, get confirmation of the results, and then talk to Scott. But first you need to hug your kid.”

So that’s what Tessa does.

—

Scott knows that something is wrong when he wakes up to a text from Tessa at six a.m. A message asking if she can come over later in the morning, after the girls head off to their summer camp. She tells him that she really needs to see him, and he knows it’s not just her missing him. This is one of the mornings she always works, a time they never meet up. She’d seemed calm enough about his mom figuring things out but maybe things had changed for her, maybe someone else had found out.

Maybe this is when she ends things for good.

He can’t get back to sleep, goes downstairs to make the girls pancakes just for something to do, to focus on how he can make them happy. He burns more than half of them and lets the girls put Nutella on to disguise the taste, even though that’s always a treat, never for breakfast. Mollie gets the spread all over her pajamas so he starts a load of laundry while the girls get dressed, ready for his mom to pick them up after her dental appointment and take them to the Ilderton skating rink.

It’s his mom he’s expecting when the doorbell rings, so he shouts out to tell the girls it’s okay to open it if they check out the window first.

“Tessa!” he hears Mollie yell.

“Hi sweetie.” Her voice is tired, he can tell from here. “Are you ready for your camp?”

“Almost! Will you do my hair?”

“Sure. Do you want to go get your brush and your scrunchies?”

He hears Mollie taking off, Marner at her heels. Tessa is standing in the hall, her arms folded over her waist, when he goes out.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I thought they’d already be gone.”

“Don’t worry,” he says, even though he knows she already is. She looks like that time at group when she talked about Jonathan, the night she said she wanted a break. But paler again, her skin kind of pallid and waxy. She looks sick, actually, and a seed of fear is planted in him. She can’t be ill.

Mollie is back down the stairs before either of them can say anything else, her Barbie brush and bright blue sequin scrunchies in hand. Becca follows her down the stairs, looking a little confused.

“Hi Becca,” Tessa says as she follows Mollie into the living room, sitting beside her on the couch and starting to brush her hair gently. “How are you?”

“Good.” He can tell his eldest is trying to make sense of what Tessa is doing here so early, but he can’t think of anything that might explain it. He can’t think of much else than Tessa’s tired face.

“You’re good at brushing hair,” Mollie announces.

“Thank you.” Tessa manages a smile for his little girl when she turns around. “Will I put it up now?”

Mollie nods. “Can you do braids? Daddy is getting better, but he’s still not very good.”

Tessa laughs, but it sounds a little hollow to him, a little sad. “Of course.”

Her hands are so sure as they move through Mollie’s hair. Becca looks impressed, fingering her own ponytail as if she’s maybe considering asking Tessa to do hers too.

There’s a loud beeping sound outside and Scott glances out the window to see his mom waving from the car. “Grandma’s here, girls. Are you ready to go?”

Tessa secures the braid. “There you go, Mollie.”

Mollie turns and hugs her, Tessa sinking into it like maybe this could be the last time. Or maybe it just seems that way to him. “Have a great day, girls,” she tells them.

Scott takes them out to the door and hugs them, placing kisses on top of both their heads. “I’ll pick you up at three. You have your lunches?”

“Yes, Daddy,” they chorus before rushing out. Marner follows them and he decides to let him run about outside.

He waves them off before going back in to Tessa.

She’s wiping tears from her eyes and he sits down beside her, putting at arm around her. “What is it? Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“I… I don’t know how to tell you.” She’s shaking, just a little.

He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever is to come. “You can tell me anything, Tessa.”

“I’m...” She squeezes her knees. She looks like she might throw up. “I’m pregnant.”

Scott slumps back on the couch. His immediate reaction is relief somehow, relief that she isn’t sick. And then he realises what that means. Tessa is pregnant. With his baby. And they are in no way ready for this. How did it even happen?

“What?”

“I’m so, so sorry.” She’s crying again and he moves back closer to her, not sure if she wants his arms around her. “I thought… I thought I couldn’t get pregnant like this. I was at my doctor last night and she said… It was unexplained, our infertility. They couldn’t figure it out. And I guess… I should have known that didn’t mean it would be the same with anyone else, but… I couldn’t get pregnant for years. And I thought it was me, I thought it was my body, I really did. I didn’t…” She shakes her head so violently then, turning to look him square in the eyes. “I did not plan for this to happen.” She says it like she’s not expecting him to believe her.

“I know that, Tessa.” The thought wouldn’t even have crossed his mind.

“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, sobbing so hard.

He rubs his hand up and down her back. “This isn’t your fault, Tessa. I should have been more responsible.”

There’s a tinge of déjà vu to this conversation, it was summer when Sarah came to his apartment to tell him she was pregnant. She’d kept fanning her face, rubbing her hands together as she paced around. They’d been dating for about ten months, had talked about kids in the abstract even if they hadn’t been expecting to have one so soon. There had been a path to follow there, an obvious right thing to do. Things aren’t so clear cut now.

“Do you…” He doesn’t know how to ask this. “Do you know what you want to do? I, uh, I will be onboard with whatever choice you make.”

“I know… I know it might be, uh, more sensible to have an abortion. What with Nathan, and the girls, and everything else, but…” She wraps her arms around herself. “I can’t. This is… this is my baby.”

He’s relieved again. He hadn’t known he would be until she said it. “Okay.”

“You don’t… I know you have the girls and your job and… and everything. I know this might be too much for you.” She starts to speak in that stilted, formal tone she had at group sometimes. “It’s okay if you can’t to be involved. I can… I can do this myself.”

“How can… how can you think I wouldn’t want to be involved?” Does she not know him at all? He’s more hurt than angry but she retreats in on herself and he feels even worse. “It’s… this is going to be complicated but… This is my baby, too.” His baby. He’s going to be a dad again. “Do you… do you not want me to be involved?” Would it be easier for her if he wasn’t? Easier for them both?

“ _Scott_.” She turns to him, grasping both of his hands. “Of course I want you to be involved. I… it wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t want to be involved, it was… It’s like you said, this is going to be complicated. And maybe you’d want to just concentrate on the girls.”

Has he let the girls down? Should he be prioritising them? But this baby is his child too. And he can’t leave Tessa alone to deal with the fallout.

“We’ll figure it out, Tessa. We’re…” he finds himself letting out a strangled sort of laugh as the words come to him. “We’re friends, and we can figure this out.”

“Friends?” she asks. It’s the first time either of them have put any sort of label on what they have.

“We are friends.” He doesn’t know what else they are, but they’re definitely friends. He likes spending time with her, he wants the best thing for her and her family. They’re friends.

“Okay.” She rests her head on his shoulder. “I’ve started all the prenatal vitamins. My doctor is booking me in for a dating scan in about two or three weeks, but, uh, I think it was probably that week after we took a break. I don’t think we were, ah, very good about using condoms then.” They hadn’t been good at all. “Oh, and the weed should have been long gone from my system, so we shouldn’t worry about that.”

Fuck, he hadn’t even thought about that. “Can I… Do you want me to come to the scan with you?”

“You want to, right?” she asks gently.

She does know him. “Yes.”

“Then I want you to be there,” she says and squeezes his hand tight. “I don’t know… we’re going to need to decide a lot of things, but I don’t want you to miss out on anything you want to be there for.”

He can’t think of anything he wouldn’t want to be there for. Tessa is having their baby. “You’re pregnant, Tess,” he says, wonder now sneaking in. “You’re going to have another kid.”

“Hopefully.” Her hand traces over her abdomen. “It’s still so early.” He doesn’t want to think about anything like that. “I told my sister. After I took the tests. I needed to tell someone and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry that…”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Tessa. I get it.” She must have been so confused. “Do you want to wait to tell other people?”

“I’m not ready to tell anyone else, and I think it would be better to wait until after the first trimester. But if there’s someone you want to tell, I think you should. It would probably be good to have someone else to talk about everything with.”

“Yeah.” He should probably tell him mom. He’s sure the girls will have told her that Tessa was here this morning anyway.

“I still can’t believe it.” He has to strain to hear her, the words so soft. She shifts a little so that she’s facing him and he lowers his head so that their foreheads are touching.

“I think it’s going to take a while to sink in.” He cups her face, rubbing the remnants of her earlier tears.

After a silent moment, Tessa sits up straighter, her shoulders squaring as if she is preparing for what she has to say next, as if it could throw him for a bigger loop. “Scott, we’re going to have to stop… what we’re doing. Sleeping together, I mean. We have to concentrate on doing the right thing for the baby, for all the kids.” She’s resolute, but he can hear a note of reluctance.

“I know.” He’s known from the moment she told him she was keeping the baby. He doesn’t want to, can hardly bear the thought, but they can’t further complicate an already difficult situation. “We need to focus on figuring out how we’re going to parent.” He’s going to be parenting with Tessa.

“You’re such a good dad.” She says it with such conviction that he starts to believe her.

“You’re a great mom.” Tessa is going to be the mother of his child. He puts his other hand on her other cheek. “We’re going to figure this out.”

She leans forward and kisses him, the sweetest, softest touch of her lips on his. “Is this okay?” she whispers. “I want to remember what it feels like.”

He wants to remember too, wants to hold it close. He joins their lips again, a little firmer, moving his left hand to the back of her hair. She slides her tongue along the inseam of his lips and then into his mouth where he tastes it, fresh and minty, against his own. He’s going to miss this so much. He’s going to miss all of it, but fuck, he loves kissing her.

Tessa starts to move her hands down his arms, tracing the muscles like she’s committing them to memory. He scrapes her bottom lip with his teeth and she rolls her hips into his before breaking away, breathing hard. “We could… one last time?”

He doesn’t want it to be the last. But if that’s what they need, she and their baby, he’ll do it. “One for the road.”

She laughs, sounding more like herself than she had earlier. “One for the road? That’s how you want to describe this situation?”

He shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know where I’d begin.”

She kisses him softly again. “Me either.” And then she lifts off his t-shirt. He takes hers off then, with a deep intake of breath when he sees that she’s wearing the bra he picked out for her that night they got high. It looks even better that he could have imagined.

As he reaches out to touch her she says, “I didn’t plan this. I just… I wanted part of you with me in case it went badly.”

He rests his forehead on hers, putting his hands at her waist instead. “I’m going to be here for you, Tess. I’m going to do everything I can.”

Her next kiss is a messy one, echoed in the movement of her hips. He inches his hands up her sides and onto the delicate bra, his palms on the thin material that separates them and his thumbs on the intricate embroidery covering her nipples.

She shivers. “A little softer, please.”

He removes his hands but she puts them straight back. “I’m sorry, are they sore?”

“That was part of how I knew.”

“Have you been sick too?” She looks better now he thinks, the blush in her cheeks making her appear healthier. She’s so fucking beautiful, even on what looks like very little sleep.

She nods. “Today and yesterday. It was the same last time.”

“I’m sorry.” He remembers how miserable Sarah had been, how useless he’d felt.

“It’s okay. It sucks, but it will be worth it.” She kisses him, grinding down as she does so. “You can make me feel better.”

He starts to slip off her yoga pants, getting a little distracted when he finds that she’s wearing one of the matching pairs of underwear. It’s the thong, and he pauses to sink his hands into her cheeks before pulling off her pants.

She helps him take off his sweatpants, which he tucks under them to protect the couch, and then rubs herself against him, her left hand holding his shoulder for support and her right mapping out his chest.

“What do you want to do, Tessa?” He wants to do everything with her, but more than that he wants her close. As close as can be before he has to let her go, like this at least.

“Inside me,” she says. “I need you so much.” It’s so plaintive, more so than he’s maybe ever heard from her.

“I need you, too.” He runs his hands down her torso, noticing on his descent that she’s removed her piercing. He tugs off her panties and then his boxers. Tessa undoes her bra and slides it off, biting her lip as she stares at him.

She rubs herself on his cock, soaking him, and he groans in response.”You’re so fucking wet, babe.”

“For you.” She kisses him, chasing her tongue with her teeth.

“I want to feel you,” he tells her, holding onto her hips and welcoming her sweet moan into his mouth.

She sinks down on him, like she has so many times before, and he savours it - the feel of her, the sounds she makes, the taste of her on his lips.

If this is the last time he’s going to make it count.

Tessa is blinking back tears and he wipes them away wordlessly, first with his thumbs and then with his lips.

They move together with the familiarity only lovers have, knowing exactly how to bring each other to the brink. She keeps saying his name, whispering it into his ear like it’s a secret only she knows. He holds her hips the way she likes and caresses her breasts, softer than usual, he only wants to give her pleasure.

Their eyes are on each other the entire time, that gorgeous green full of need and want, showing him what she can’t quite say. It’s so intimate, more intimate than it’s ever been, as if now that it’s ending all the barriers are gone. His lips are so swollen from kissing, hers too, but they can’t stop. He just wants to be close to her, to be touching her as much as he can. Each kiss a breath of life. Each word they say a prayer.

She’s dripping down his thighs and he has to work harder and harder to hold on each time they join. He wants to let go, wants to make her come, but then it will be over. So they take each other to the breaking point again and again, only to retreat, to stall when they want to soar. They’re both sweaty and slick and it must look so lewd, their naked bodies on his worn couch, wearying with each thrust. But it’s beautiful to him, one of the loveliest things he’s ever known.

His hips start stuttering, unable to keep up, and he slips his hand in between their bodies, puts his thumb on her clit and follows the rhythm he knows she wants. “Come for me, Tess. I want you to come.”

Her orgasm ripples through her, body shaking and walls clenching around him, taking him with her into ecstasy. He fills her with his come, just like he must have when they made the baby that’s nestled in between their joined bodies, safe and protected and already loved.

Tessa is crying, and at first he thinks it’s his sweat that’s dropping onto her shoulder, but then he realises that it’s his tears. He soothes her with kisses, and she does the same for him, still clinging onto one another.

They can’t let go, not yet. One last moment in paradise before reality sets in.

One last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was actually implantation bleeding sex if you want to get technical.
> 
> We can now finally share the fact that the working title of this from the very first ideas document has been 'ofc it's a pregnancy au'


	4. be still, my undelible friend, you are unbreaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for reading! Your comments make our hearts soar! This took us a bit longer but we also have our longest chapter to date! Thanks to wishfulwannabe, awakeanddreaming, and falsettodrop. And don’t fret, the lack of sex will not last until Easter, but this chapter will not contain any smut!
> 
> Also, we have a Twitter now so we can break your hearts and raise your spirits across platforms! Find us @AbsRedemption

_**July 2018** _

“I’m going to throw up.”

Tessa’s bent at the waist, forehead resting on the cool marble of her bathroom counter while her hands grip the edge. She’s taking huge, gulping breaths but it does nothing to quell her nausea. “Stop being so dramatic.” Tessa lifts her head to look at her sister through the mirror. Jordan’s smirking but her hands are laid flat on her thighs. It’s always been her tell when she’s worried but doesn’t want to show it. Tessa wishes Jordan wasn’t nervous. She needs her sister’s steel and grit to get through this lunch with their mother.

The next few weeks are going to be utter hell if this is how her body reacts to simply being in the same room as her mom with her secret.

Tessa forces herself to stand up straight, a considerable amount of effort given how much she feels like throwing up into the toilet again. Her makeup has done a good job at hiding how much color she’s lost (the last two days have been nothing short of awful in regards to her morning sickness) and the bright sundress she’s put on makes her look more normal than she’s felt since she found out she was pregnant. There’s no way that her mom will notice anything is amiss, she’s sure of it.

If she can get through lunch without throwing up breakfast, anyway.

“Have you talked to Scott any more?”

Tessa turns around on her heel, arms splayed out to her sides. “You’re asking me this _now_? With Mom downstairs?!”

Jordan leans back on her hands. She nods once. “I think you need to bring him up today.”

Tessa closes her eyes as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “Jo, I know that a lot of stuff has been about me lately, but you can tell me if you’ve developed a drug habit.”

Jordan snorts and Tessa looks just in time to see her sister roll her eyes as she stands up. “ _Dramatic_ ,” Jordan repeats. “Honestly though, Tessa, you need to start putting in groundwork so that Mom doesn’t have a heart attack when you tell her about...” Rather than say it aloud, her eyes dart to Tessa’s stomach, something Tessa is beyond grateful for. It’s not that she’s in denial about the baby, but it is safer to not say it out loud for now, not when Nathan could potentially hear them. Or worse, their mom.

“You know how Mom can be,” Tessa sighs. “The minute I bring someone up…” she shakes her head. Tessa never could have friends who were guys because of her mom. She’d bet money that her mom thought she was cheating on Jonathan with Charlie before Tanith entered the picture.

“Just talk about group! Namedrop a few people. Maybe that’ll throw her off track.” It’s doubtful, but Jordan is right. Even if her mom does get suspicious, well, it’s the truth.

It’ll just be so much worse than her mom will initially think.

Kate calls up the stairs, Nathan’s voice echoing her. Jordan puts her hands on Tessa’s shoulders and looks her in the eyes when she says, “You got this. And if you don’t, throw up on Mom’s purse.”

Tessa rolls her eyes. “Come on. She’s going to get suspicious.”

When they were younger it had always been Tessa covering for Jordan - why she wasn’t home yet, who she was with, why she was singing so loud in the shower after getting back from hanging out with her friends. Maybe Tessa has been living out the teenage wildness she skipped.

Nathan and her mom are waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs. Her mom is wearing a small smile that’s worried around the edges and that teenage feeling creeps back inside of Tessa, like she’s walking towards an onslaught of questions she just doesn’t want to answer. Nathan, her beautiful baby boy, runs over to her immediately and she lifts him up into her arms, breathing in the smell of his shampoo. It settles her, always has. She’ll be sad when he gets bigger and the things she considered concrete will turn into memories.

Her mom puts her hand on Jordan’s shoulder, nails picking at a string before running over the fabric and giving Jordan a pat. “Is everything okay, girls? I was beginning to worry.”

“Everything’s fine, Tessa was just showing me some clothes she bought online,” Jordan breezes. She’s so good at this.

That smoothes out their mom’s face, her eyes lighting up a little at the prospect of new clothes. “Oh, you’ll have to show me later.” Jordan heads towards the kitchen then and their mom says, “I served up the salads you made earlier, Tess. It’s all ready in the dining room.”

Tessa thanks her mom, even if she is a little irritated that they can’t just eat in the kitchen. It would be so much easier than having to carry everything all the way back down the hall again, and she’s worn out from throwing up and her mind whirring about all the things that could happen, and all that they need to plan. Not to mention it feels more homey, reminds her of those brief moments when it was the three of them, her, Jordan, and their mom, and also of Jonathan, of when they’d sit on the island and eat takeout.

Nathan plays with his food a little and it takes some coaxing before he settles down and Tessa can turn her attention to her own plate. She’s hungry, but she knows she should be careful, she doesn’t want to throw up again. Jordan and Nathan are chatting away around bites of food, something that normally would irritate both her and their mom. But instead, Tessa is just thankful for the relationship Nathan has with his aunt, who pushes him to let loose when Tessa finds it a little hard to. She’s tearing at a bread roll when she notices her mom start to tear up.

She has a mayonnaise covered chunk of apple speared on her fork. “Jonathan loved Waldorf salad,” she sobs.

Tessa wants to roll her eyes but doesn’t because she’s genuinely shocked her mother is getting emotional over a salad. She wants to say that, no, he didn’t. He liked it, but he didn’t _love_ it. He didn’t really love any kind of salad except for maybe a pasta one with some mozzarella and tomatoes. Tessa reasons that it’s possible he had told her mom he did at some point, maybe complimenting her on one she had made, but it still grates on her. Her mom likes to make these statements about what Jonathan would have liked or what he would have thought about something, and what had once been something that would’ve sent Tessa into an emotional tizzy herself has transformed into something so aggravating. She doesn’t want to cry over food again, doesn’t want to limit the spaces she goes because it’s too hard. Moreover, none of them know what Jonathan would have said or done, not for sure. He could have surprised them and they’ll never get a chance to find out.

(Tessa does know that he wouldn’t be happy about her secret though. How could he be when she had betrayed him - first by sleeping with Scott and then by falling pregnant so easily.)

“This is a great lunch, Tess. Thank you for making it for us,” Jordan says brightly. Tessa sends her a small smile, one that grows when Jordan rolls her eyes at their mother.

Kate picks up her napkin, the fabric one because that’s of course what her mother chose to put out, and balls it up in her fist. “He would have loved to be here,” her mom continues.

Tessa rubs at her temple, she doesn’t need to deal with one of her mom’s bad days right now. Tessa has been having enough of her own. Her mom acts like she’d lost her own son. Tessa, Jordan and their brothers had always joked that Jonathan was the favourite child, but it’s not so funny now that he’s gone.

Jordan’s fingers go white around her fork. “Obviously Jonathan would love to be here. And we would all love for him to be here too, but I don’t think that’s really that helpful, Mom.” There’s testiness in Jordan’s voice now and Tessa watches as her sister starts to transform into the courtroom version of herself.

“I just really miss him,” her mom says morosely, the effect slightly ruined by the crunch of the nuts she eats afterwards.

She doesn’t want to diminish her mom’s feelings but so many emotions burst just under her skin at her mom’s statement. Does her mom think that Tessa doesn’t miss Jonathan every single second of every single day? That no matter how good a day she has, he’s there in the back of her mind and heavy on her heart? That Nathan doesn’t miss his dad? Doesn’t miss getting tossed in the air only to be caught by his dada, doesn’t miss getting treated to a thousand kisses and a million hugs? Another thought emerges, this one more harrowing than angry. Has her grief shifted into something less than her mother’s? Tessa swallows hard at the thought.

“We all do,” Tessa says, tracing her index finger over the embroidery on her dress. Jordan kicks her shin under the table and when Tessa catches her eye, Jordan mouths that their mother is crazy. It doesn’t make her feel any better but she does manage a sad smile, a silent thank you for her sister. “What have you been up to this week, Mom?”

Her mom natters on about work and the ladies in her book club before turning the question on Tessa.

Jordan is quick to put her cup down. “Tess went out for dinner with some people from her grief group,” she interjects.

And just like that, Tessa is shooting daggers at her sister. Her mom looks excited to learn something new so Tessa forces a tight smile while she pokes at her salad. “Uh, yeah. Madi and Anne and Scott and Kaitlyn. We went to…”

“Scott?” She’s like a fucking bloodhound. “Is he widowed too?” Her mom’s bangs hide her eyebrows but Tessa can tell she’s arching one.

“Yeah,” she says carefully, casually. “His wife passed away around the same time as Jonathan. She had cancer though, he cared for her when she was sick. They have two little girls.”

She worries that maybe she’s said too much. Is it strange that she knows so much about Scott? Should she start talking about Madi and Anne and Kaitlyn? Or maybe mention Boris? Thankfully, her mom seems to lose interest a bit when Tessa mentions the girls. “He’ll probably remarry quickly. Men always do.” So many years later and the bitterness is still so thick in her mom’s words.

Tessa can’t picture Scott getting married again anytime soon. Even if he and Sarah weren’t in a good place before she passed, Scott is still feeling the loss. They don’t talk about their spouses often, but when they do it’s so obvious to Tessa just how much Scott is working through his grief. Even if Scott were close to getting married again, and she would bet he gets there sooner than herself, she’s probably complicated that for him too.

Thankfully, her mom turns her attention to her sister. “And what about you, Jordan? Have you met any…” their mom pauses, “any nice people?” Kate looks over at Tessa briefly, eyes asking for reassurance, and Tessa smiles at her encouragingly. Her mom hadn’t been the best when Jordan came out, but she’s been trying recently.

Jordan shakes her head with a shrug, swallowing her latest bite of food before answering. “I’ve been so busy with work.”

‘And with Tessa and Nathan’ goes unsaid. Tessa feels like she must use up all of Jordan’s free time. And now the pregnancy will just add to the things keeping Jordan occupied when she could be out having fun and meeting people. Tessa frowns down at her plate.

Kate seems to notice. She puts her napkin on top of her empty plate then laces her hands together. “Do you have any plans for the rest of the day, girls? We could go out and do something the four of us.” She runs the back of a finger over Nathan’s cheek, boops his nose right after. She doesn’t recall her mom ever being that soft with her or Jordan but Tessa’s glad her son gets it all the same. “Wouldn’t that be nice, Nathan?”

Nathan smiles up at his nana, mouth full of potato salad.

Jordan begs off, citing that she has a case to work on and then it’s Tessa’s turn to refuse their mother. Rather than tell it to her mother directly, Tessa takes the coward’s route and looks down at Nathan when she answers, combing back some of his curls. “Nathan is going to be hanging out with Grandpa Frank this afternoon,” she says cheerily. Nathan nods, missing a bit of his mouth on his next bite so Tessa wipes his chin. “Marian and I are going antique shopping.”

Her mom’s face micro-frowns the way it does whenever Tessa mentions she has plans with Marian, just the two of them, or mentions something especially kind that Marian had done for her or Nathan.

Tessa wipes her hand on her napkin. “She wants help finding a new lamp for the living room,” Tessa adds, as if the fact will appease her mother. She doesn’t think she should have to explain though. Why can’t she spend time with her mother-in-law?

Her mom’s face is wooden. “That’s nice, dear.” The smile she gets is manufactured and fake. One day, Tessa thinks, she’ll get through a conversation with her mom without feeling guilty. One day, far in the future.

The rest of lunch passes without incident, and Tessa doesn’t throw up afterwards so she feels it’s been successful. After her mom and Jordan leave, she cajoles Nathan into using the bathroom before getting into the car.

Marian frowns as soon as she sees Tessa at the door, putting a hand to her forehead. Marian’s always been able to see through her. “You look pale, darling. Are you feeling peaky?”

The nausea threatens to raise its head again. “I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights.” It’s not a lie, Tessa reasons with herself.

Marian presses a kiss to her temple as she rubs her back. “Some nights are harder than others.” Her face lights up looking down at Nathan, transforming into the grammy she knows Nathan needs. “Are you ready for a fun afternoon with Grandpa?”

“Farm toys!” Nathan exclaims, shaking the little bag he wanted to take with him.

“You brought some toys for us to play with?” Frank asks as he appears from the living room, glasses in his hand, rubbing a cloth on the lenses. “I can’t wait to see what they are.” Glasses back on his nose, he crouches down in front of Nathan. “Have you got a cow in there for me?”

Nathan excitedly starts listing every animal in his little sack, most names crisp and clear in his soft voice. Marian puts a hand on Tessa’s shoulder, the other going to rest over her heart as she looks down at her husband and grandson. She looks so proud and Tessa is overcome with how much love she has for this family.

Before she can dwell on how little time she’ll have left with them, Tessa scoops Nathan up. “Mama and Grammy are going out together. I’ll see you later, okay baby?” She hugs her son close and he smacks his lips against her cheek.

Marian gives both him and Frank a kiss before they go out to her car. Marian pauses to pray before she sets off, something she’s done ever since the accident, and Tessa bows her head too.

She’s not sure that it’s really the right thing to still be having time like this with her mother-in-law when she’s probably going to break her heart in the next few weeks. But she wants to make the most of the time they have left together. Tessa isn’t ready to let her go. She’s already lost so much and losing the people who have embraced her as their own is going to hurt her just as much as losing Jonathan did. Maybe more.

After all, them leaving will be her fault.

—

Scott has never driven so slowly between Danny’s house and his parents’. The girls had been excited for an afternoon with their cousins, and his brother was happy to have them over. Scott knows how lucky he is to have such a supportive family, but he wonders how they’ll react to the pregnancy news. He has a pit the size of the old well at the bottom of his uncle’s farm at the thought of telling his parents now. Realistically, he could wait. It’s not as if he and Tessa figured anything out beyond keeping the baby. There’s going to be so many questions and he has no answers, no concrete solutions. All he has is his feelings and his mom has been telling him for years that they’re not always enough.

He sighs, drumming his fingers on the dash. He needs to tell them sooner rather than later or it will just be worse. Tessa had managed to tell him about the pregnancy even though she had been so anxious. He can tell his parents. He can.

There’s a text from her when he checks his phone after pulling in, a simple ‘ _I’ll be thinking of you this afternoon_.’ He appreciates that she hadn’t told him things were going to work out, he knows that his parents will be supportive once they get used to the idea, but this is going to be a shock for them.

He asks her how she’s feeling, not quite ready to go inside yet, and she responds more or less straight away. ‘ _Morning sickness is no joke. Also, definitely drifting in to afternoon sickness_.’

He wishes that he could be the one to deal with the sickness instead, to share the load somehow. He knows she’d roll her eyes at him if he told her that, so he just says that he’s sorry and hopes it lifts soon.

His parents are both in the kitchen when he goes through the back door (the front one is for guests and salespeople), drinking coffee with a plate of cookies in between them.

It reminds him too much of when he told them Sarah was pregnant. Suddenly he’s 25 again, a child parading around in adult clothing. He doesn’t begrudge Tessa for not being here, is damn glad she’s not and that he’s excused from having to be there when Tessa tells her own mother their news, but he thinks he may have been stronger with Sarah, if only because she was there to hold his hand.

“Hi Scott.” His dad gets up to hug him with a broad smile and his mom is out of her seat too, headed straight for the cupboard. “We weren’t expecting you. Are the girls with you?” He looks around like he’s expecting the girls to follow in after Scott, as if they both don’t beat him to the door every time they visit.

Scott shakes his head after he gives his dad a pat on the back. “Uh, no. I dropped them off at Danny’s.”

His mom frowns slightly while pouring a cup for him. “But you came here?” It’d be easy to miss the worry lacing her words but Scott hears it, has no doubt that his dad does too. After all, Scott doesn’t have the best track record of bringing good news when he shows up by himself.

“Yeah.” He thanks his mom and looks down into the mug, letting it warm his hands. It’s hot outside, a cold drink might have made more sense, but he’s glad of the comfort. It’s soothing, grounding. Exactly what he needs before taking a steadying breath. “Um, you know that I’ve been seeing Tessa from my grief group,” he states. He’s never quite phrased it like that before (hasn’t ever put a name to what they’ve been - no, _had_ \- done) but finds that he enjoys the way it rolled off his tongue. There’s a thrill, even now, to be able to say it to someone other than himself, to say it out loud. Which is ridiculous, he knows, because soon there won’t be a need for words, soon there will be physical, tangible proof of their coupling.

His dad nods, same easy smile on his face, and his mom’s lip twitches, her frown deepening. Jesus, how is he meant to get this out? With Sarah, she saved him from bumbling around for half an hour, cutting him off and telling his parents for him. He thinks of doing just that again, explaining too much of the situation before forcing the words out but his mom already looks so on edge. He takes a deep breath and puts his mug down on the counter, not wanting to chance spilling or breaking anything. “She’s pregnant.”

His mom puts her face in her hands, absolutely crumpling in her chair while his dad just blinks, nodding slowly again.

There’s no stopping him now, the onslaught of words he managed to keep at bay finding their way to the surface now. “We’re having the baby. We, uh, we didn’t plan for this -”

“Well I sure as hell hope you didn’t!” His mom rubs her eyes and takes a noisy breath. “Again, Scott?” she asks as she looks at him, her shoulders hunched and one of her hands clutching tight around the handle of her mug. He can feel her disappointment and it seeps into him like rain. “Didn’t you learn to be more careful from the last time?”

He feels every bit like a 16-year-old kid who fucked everything up. Scott shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “We didn’t really think it was a possibility. Tessa had a lot of trouble trying to conceive with her husband. They had their son after a few rounds of IVF.” It feels wrong to explain without Tessa here, but it’s the only way he can make his mom see he’s not an absolute idiot. Though, maybe he is.

She nods slowly. “So she has a child too.” His mom rubs the tip of her nail along the grain of the table. “That’s why I’m…” her breath catches in her throat and then the fight’s all gone, replaced with wet eyes and a sorrow colored disappointment. “I just worry, Scott. Those girls have already been through so much. This is… this will be very complicated.”

“I know.” He’s hardly slept thinking about the amount of upheaval this will bring to their lives, just when things had finally started to settle down. “I don’t want to make life hard for them, I don’t.” He clears his throat and it almost hurts, his throat tight at the thought of what this is going to do to his girls. He’s tried so hard to make sure their lives are good and normal and he’s messed up one of the few things he could control. “But… This is my child too. Tessa said she’d understand if I couldn’t be involved but I can’t do that.” His voice breaks just as the tears gathering in his eyes finally start to fall. “I couldn’t not be involved,” he says even though his parents already know that’s the kind of person they raised. “And I don’t want to leave her to deal with this alone.” Tessa already has more than she should have to bear.

His dad puts his hand on Scott’s shoulder. “That’s not the type of man you are.”

His mom reaches out and holds his hands. “You’re a good man. I just wish you’d thought things through before.” The _again_ goes unspoken this time and she sighs, a little shrug following. “But it is what it is. You’ll just have to work at doing what’s best for everyone.”

He nods. “The kids come first,” Scott says firmly. “Becca and Mollie and Nathan and the baby.” He’d put them before everything and everyone, Nathan just as much as the kids he’s linked to biologically.

“The kids come first,” his mom repeats. She stands up and refills the plate with cookies, shoving them in front of him. “I’d like to meet her properly, if that’s okay.” His dad nods in agreement.

He thinks that’s probably a good sign? “I can ask her about that, sure.” From how involved Jonathan’s parents are in Nathan’s life Scott presumes that Tessa feels pretty strongly about having grandparents involved with her kids. _Kids_. He’s still getting used to all of this.

His mom taps her fingers against her mug. “Don’t marry this one, okay?” She looks at him seriously, eyebrow arched in that way that reminds Scott of being in elementary school, when she’d warn him about messing around in class.

Scott gulps. “What?! No. That’s not… no.” His mind wasn’t even in the same hemisphere as that idea. He doesn’t even know if Tessa would ever remarry, let alone now and with him. The idea of marrying Tessa now is laughable but he imagines that if he did start laughing, his parents may misinterpret that as guilt.

“Well, not now anyway. I suppose we shouldn’t rule anything out.” A sad sort of smile crosses her face. “We really never know where life is taking us.”

“No.” He certainly had never expected this.

—

Part of her wanted to make a PowerPoint.

The sane part of her ran that idea by Jordan first and, after being told that would most definitely be over the top, Tessa compiles a simple list of everything they need to consider. Her laptop is open on the coffee table, the list pulled up in case she needs it. As if she hasn’t printed each of them a copy. She sets down the legal pads that she nicked from the office downtown before heading back to her home office to grab a few pens. She would hate for the ink to run dry in the middle of an idea. “Maybe pencils instead,” she murmurs to herself just as the doorbell rings.

Scott stands on the porch with an easy smile. It amazes her that he seems so relaxed when she feels anything but. “Hey,” he greets, holding up a white paper bag. “I brought brunch.” Her stomach hasn’t completely settled after this latest bout of morning sickness and it must show on her face because his eyebrows draw together as he lowers the bag. “There are a few sweet treats, but also just a plain croissant and bagel. I figured neutral might be good.”

She nods. “You’re a smart man.” She sends him towards the living room while she hurries to the kitchen. She had set up a tray with drinks and a sleeve of saltine crackers for herself before he came that she swaps out for two small plates and a few napkins. Scott is already settled against the cushions. Despite the fact that their lives are intertwined for the time being, it remains a little scary how well he seems to fit into her home.

He’s already looking over the list but, once he notices her walking in, is quick to put it down and clear the coffee table. Her laptop is carefully moved back, the notepads and papers stacked and taken into Scott’s lap, the bag from the bakery safe in its spot on the table in front of him. She smiles in thanks as she sets the tray down. “I got water and juice and coffee. The coffee is decaf though. I wasn’t sure what you would want.” The bright yellow of the legal pads catch her eye and she stands up before she can finish sitting down. “Pens! I was getting pens!”

Scott catches her hand, stopping her from heading to her office. “Kiddo, just take a seat,” he says with a chuckle. He gives her hand a squeeze and then a small tug so that she’ll join him on the couch. “Tell me about your morning first.” Tessa looks down at the (long, detailed) list in his lap. Scott flips it over. “We have hours to figure this out. We can spare five minutes to catch up a bit, eh?”

Tessa nods. “You’re right,” she sighs, finally relaxing into the couch. He keeps hold of her hand as she recaps her morning, from waking up nauseous to Nathan insisting on having bacon for breakfast, the one food so far that is proving to send her stomach lurching. He nods along as she speaks, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of her hand. It’s so calming, the perfect thing to focus on other than her churning stomach. “How are you? You talked with your mom didn’t you?”

He lets out a laugh that sounds a little forced. “I felt like I was back in high school.” Tessa really doesn’t know what that was like for him at all but she imagines getting lectured by a parent is a teenage rite of passage. Even though she was mostly saved by the fact that Jordan was always wilder than she was. “My parents want to meet you.” Scott clears his throat. “Well, I guess Mom wants to meet you again.”

“Of course,” Tessa agrees with a nod. “I expected nothing less.” She starts to say that parents love her but, truthfully, she hasn’t had much experience beyond Jonathan’s parents, and she considers herself the lucky one in that scenario. She gives his hand a tight squeeze. “Are you okay?”

He shrugs a little as he sinks further into the couch. “I hate disappointing my mom,” he sighs. She feels him go rigid as soon as the words leave his mouth and he looks at her with wide, concerned eyed. “Not that - ”

“Scott, it’s okay. I know what you mean.” She brings their hands into her lap, focuses on the calluses and rough edges of his hand. “We’re going to be disappointing _a lot_ of people,” she says quietly. She shudders at the thought of telling her own mother, can already picture how the older woman’s face will fall and how the light will leave her eyes.

Tessa can’t think about what Marian or Frank will look like. That might actually break her.

“But it’s worth it,” she says, feigning a confidence she doesn’t quite feel yet. She knows that she wants this baby, is willing to give up nearly everything for it, but there’s no shaking the fear and the guilt that fill up different parts of her.

Scott bumps her shoulder with his own. “It _is_ worth it.” He sounds so much more sure than she does. It’s enough to make her smile, just a little. “Okay, hit me with your list.”

They part, each grabbing a paper and notepad. Quickly, Tessa runs to get some pens, and when she returns, Scott is studiously looking at her list, pain au chocolat in his free hand. “I’m not sure why you added the delivery on here,” he comments before taking a bite. Bits of pastry flake to the floor and she cringes for a minute before she notices that Scott’s laid down a sheet of paper to catch the crumbs.

She licks her lips as she sits back down on the couch. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it’s your body,” he says like it’s obvious that was the answer. “I don’t have any say over that.”

“I’d still like to get your opinion.” She pours herself a glass of water. “How were Sarah’s births?”

“Both hospital births and both really easy. No complications or anything.” He puts his pastry down on his plate, rubbing his fingers together to get the crumbs off. “Sarah worked in the hospital she gave birth at which relaxed her a lot with Becca, I think.”

Tessa nods. “Nathan was an easy delivery. I debated a home birth but I didn’t want to risk something going wrong. Not after how long it took to get him here.”

“Is that something you want to try for this time?” Scott asks and she’s surprised that he doesn’t seem hesitant about the idea at all.

“No, I had a lovely experience with our hospital and I adored my midwife. I’ll be over the moon if it all goes the same way.” Even as she says it, her fingers tighten in an effort to restrain herself, but she gives in quickly and knocks on the wood of her coffee table. She sends Scott a bashful smile. “I don’t want to jinx anything.”

He smiles and knocks on the wood too.

“I’d also like to give birth naturally and, assuming you can be there, I’d like you to help advocate that for me.” She doesn’t want to insult Scott by asking if he wants to be there, he’s made it very clear that he does, but she also knows how things go. After all, between them they have three kids, and babies trying to be born don’t tend to mind work schedules.

“I can definitely do that,” he assures her. “And I _will_ be there. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.” She sends him a grateful smile. “So, can we cross this off our list?”

She nods. “I think so.”

Scott takes a pen and strikes a line through the words **_LABOR_** **_AND DELIVERY_**. It’s sharp and precise and nothing at all that should make her belly flip but it does anyway. He taps the pen against the page again, this time a little higher. “Telling the kids…”

Tessa swallows hard. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say?”

Scott lets out a puff of air as he tosses the pen back on the table. “Not a clue.” He scratches at his jaw before shrugging his shoulders. “I imagine Nathan isn’t going to really register it. Becca didn’t until Mollie was here.”

She’s read up on that and it’s true, telling Nathan is going to happen more than once, and it probably won’t stick until the baby gets here. Even then, Nathan won’t have any questions about her and Scott. “I’m worried about Becca,” she admits, unsure if it’s her place to say the words.

But Scott does nothing but throw an arm over the back of the couch and nod. “I am too.” He looks at her, regretful, about what she isn’t sure. “She’ll think we’re together.”

“Yeah,” Tessa breathes out. How do you explain to a child how complicated adulthood is? Parents are supposed to have everything figured out. She was awarded that bliss until she was ten and she hates that she’s responsible for taking away that ignorance from Becca. “I don’t think there’s a book for this part.”

Scott barks out a laugh and it surprises her so much that she jumps a little before he’s pulling her into his side. “No, there probably isn’t. You’ll have to write it instead.”

“Only if you’ll write it with me.”

He presses a kiss to her hairline. “Deal.” He pulls back far enough to get a good look at her face. “Is this okay?”

She nods. “Good to have you closer to my hair in case I throw up,” she jokes in an effort to not think about how relaxed she feels being held by him. “Should we tell them all together?” She twists her wedding ring with her thumb. “I think I want to tell Nathan myself.”

His body deflates as his hand gives her shoulder a small squeeze. “I’d rather tell the girls alone too, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course,” she says. “We should lay some groundwork though, I think.” Tessa leans forward to grab her phone and her glass of water. “Mollie seems to adore Nathan but he hasn’t met Becca at all.”

“You’re right. It’d be good to get them all used to each other. They’ll be thrown together a bit for the next little while.”

Which leads Tessa to the number one item on her list. “How often do you want to be here once the baby is born?”

He pulls back again but it doesn’t feel like a loss, doesn’t feel like she’s overstepped by assuming he’ll want to be here once she gives birth. His eyebrows are furrowed though, a set to his jaw. “Will someone be staying with you before you give birth? Jordan?”

It’s her turn to crumple her face. “Why would someone be staying with me before?”

He stutters, evidently shocked by what she’s saying. “How are you going to pick up Nathan?” he asks first and the way he’s adjusting himself so that he can face her fully clues Tessa into the fact that she’s about to hear a laundry list of reasons as to why she needs someone with her. “I’m not sure of his weight but you can’t carry too much once you’re further along.” Nathan is getting independent. He’s already got his own little bed and a step stool for all his bathroom needs. It’ll kill her to not pick him up whenever she likes, but that’s a reality of her pregnancy, not a good reason to have a babysitter for herself. “And what if something happens? What if you want a bath and can’t get back out?” She rolls her eyes at that one. She’s pregnant, not an invalid. “It happens! I’ve seen it!” He runs a hand through his hair. “Accidents happen, Tessa,” he says softly, almost regretfully. They both know that she’s all too familiar with that truth. “I would feel more comfortable if someone was with you. I don’t know her, but I’m sure Jordan would agree.”

He has a point there. “I can’t ask Jordan to put her life on permanent hold for me. She’s done so much already.” She explains how Jordan moved from Toronto just for her after the accident, how she’s probably taken more time off in the past eight months than she has her entire life. She shakes her head. “I couldn’t do that to her.”

Scott nods but his body stays tense. It’s obvious he’s gearing up to say something. She’s not stupid. She knows the next logical suggestion but she’s not sure she’s ready to hear it.

She can’t have him live here for a variety of reasons. It’s silly, she knows, considering she’s had sex with him in so many of these rooms, had taken him once in the room, the very bed, she shared with Jonathan. Her nausea sweeps up into her throat at the memory and her hand shakes in her haste to grab her glass. She takes a careful sip of water. It just wouldn’t feel right having Scott living here. Sure, she’s got the room but she just… it feels disrespectful. Jonathan loved this house. It’s _his_ house. And while she knows things were different between Scott and Sarah, Tessa could not, in good conscience, live in that home. She would never want to make the girls uncomfortable and that would seem too much like she was trying to replace Sarah.

Tessa shakes her head. “Maybe we can put a pin in this one,” she says before he can start off on his reasons. After another sip of water, Tessa clears her throat. “I think it would be good to have some custody papers drawn up prior to the baby getting here too.” She puts her cup down on the table, swapping it for her laptop. “I know that sounds scary but I really just want both of us to get what we want. I don’t intend to fight you on anything.” She purses her lips. Maybe that’s a bit too much. For all she knows, Scott might want overnights immediately, and there’s no way Tessa could handle that. “And obviously it’s something we can change over time too, as other external factors come into play,” she manages to add.

“We could wait then, if you’d like.” Scott’s looking at her with soft eyes and his hand finds hers again. “Until we can get some professionals to weigh in,” he jokes.

She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about waiting to have any of these discussions until she could get Ashley and Scott together. “You won’t find that impersonal?” That had been her main concern, that he would worry this was all rigid now, a business dealing rather than a discussion on how best to raise their child along with their own kids. She just doesn’t want to make life any harder for Becca, Mollie and Nathan than it already is.

 _Their_ child. A shiver runs through her. She’s still not used to it. She wonders if she’ll ever be.

“Not at all, kiddo.” He gives her hand a little tug, smiling when she takes his silent suggestion and falls back into his side. “We’re okay.” She snorts and he laughs so wonderfully that she can feel it everywhere her body is pressed against his. “I know, I hated myself for saying it, but we are, at least in this sense.”

There are actually so many ways they’re not okay but Tessa is willing to go with him on this. Willing to give him the agreement she can’t yet on the need for her to have someone around as the pregnancy progresses, the possibility that maybe that could be him. He’d be good at that, she thinks, taking care of her. But he already has so many people to care for, so many people who need him. And she doesn’t want him here just because he feels he has to be. She doesn’t want to think about what kind of reason she’d like him to have for being here with her.

So for now she’ll just sit here with him and let that be okay.

—

Scott arrives early at Tessa’s before they head over to Ilderton together, but he waits in his car for a few minutes before going to the door. He knows she likes promptness but he remembers what it’s like trying to get a toddler out of the house and he figures she wouldn’t mind a grace period. It surprises him almost as much as it did the first time just how big the house is. Tessa comes to the door about a minute after he knocks.

“Sorry,” she says, a little breathless. “We’re having a discussion about shoes.” Her hair is down around her shoulders and she’s wearing a dress that reaches to just above her knees and, as they walk through the hall, he thinks that she looks more like the woman in the photographs with her husband and a younger Nathan that are dotted around the place than the one he first met.

It brings a smile to his face. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been there before.” Becca had never fought him on shoes before but to this day, Mollie still fights him on wearing shoes that are not rain boots. He wonders if this baby will go through the same things too.

“Maybe you can help.” He can hear some tiredness in her voice now and he’s not sure if it’s just from dealing with a two year old or everything else or both. Rescheduling wouldn’t be the worst idea. His parents would understand. Scott thinks to offer but then he’s registering what exactly Tessa said and he puts his hands into the pockets of his shorts.

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

When they go into the living room he sees Nathan sitting on the floor, glaring at the tiny trainers beside him.

“Mama’s friend Scott is here,” Tessa announces. Nathan doesn’t bother to look at them and instead tucks his feet under himself. “He’s going to take us to meet his mom and dad at their house.”

Scott gets down on his hunkers beside him. “Hey Nathan, it’s good to see you again.” He picks up one of the trainers. Nathan eyes him curiously, suspiciously too. He thinks Tessa may have given him that exact look before. “These are so cool. Do you think they’d fit me?” He sits down and mimes trying to fit one on over his own shoe. “Does it fit?” Nathan shakes his head, giggling a little.

He keeps the tiny shoe hooked on the toe of his own. “Will we ask your mama?” Scott turns to Tessa who’s sitting on the couch above them. “Does this shoe fit me?”

The smile she wears is nothing short of gorgeous. “I don’t think it does,” she answers in a sing-song voice, playing right along.

Scott scratches his head then hums very loudly. “Does it fit Mama?” Scott puts the little shoe up beside her foot without really thinking about how close this will take him to her bare legs. Nathan laughs louder.

Tessa slips out of her sandal. Three of her toes manage to fit into the tiny shoe. “I don’t think so,” she sings again.

He picks the trainer back up. “Who could it fit?” Scott puts his hands on his hips and frowns.

Nathan pops right up. “Me!” Nathan reaches over and grabs the trainer from his hands.

Scott throws his arms up and lets his jaw drop which makes Nathan laugh again. “Oh, it is you!”

Tessa scoops her son up in her arms and quickly puts on the shoe, Nathan offering no resistance at all. Scott hands her the matching one before she has to ask for it and she smiles at him and mouths, “Thank you,” before saying, “I just need to grab the brownies and my ginger tea from the kitchen, I’ll only be a minute.”

“I can help,” he offers, following her as she starts to leave the room with Nathan on her hip.

He can see her start to wave him off. “I can -” she pauses, adjusting her grip on Nathan. “Yeah, that would be good, thank you.”

The kitchen is spotless. He lets out a low whistle. “You really expect me to believe you were baking in here?” he teases.

Tessa rolls her eyes. “I baked yesterday! I’ve cleaned since then!” She turns to Nathan, giving his butt a small pat. “Didn’t we bake brownies yesterday, Nathan?”

He nods. “Yum!” Tessa kisses the side of his head and the action looks automatic, like she doesn’t even notice she’s doing it.

Scott grabs the tin and the travel mug from the counter. “Getting your kid to lie for you isn’t a good look, kiddo.”

She rolls her eyes at him again. He has to resist the urge to tell her that if she keeps it up, they’ll stay that way. Tessa reaches for the mug from his hands, taking a sip from it as they go back down the hall.

“Is the ginger for morning sickness?” Sarah had tried that the first time, but, like most things, it hadn’t helped.

“Yes, it’s really been helping.” Tessa manages to pick up a large bag she left beside the door while juggling the mug and Nathan.

“Has it been getting any better?”

She pauses as she locks the door. “I think it’s less intense, but it’s still worse than last time. Jordan thinks it might be a girl because our mom always says she had worse morning sickness with us than the boys. But maybe that was because she was older, or under more stress. I’m both those things too with this pregnancy.” He hardly thinks Tessa should be considered older but there’s no denying the stress that this pregnancy has brought on and he feels awful that he’s responsible for it.

Scott clears his throat. “Did you have a feeling one way or the other with Nathan?” Sarah had said she’d always known Rebecca was going to be a girl, but she’d only told him that after they’d already found out.

“I didn’t want to guess. I think we were never really sure we were actually going to get a baby until he arrived.” She winks at the little guy, and he laughs, but Scott wonders if there’s always going to be a sadness there when she talks about the process of getting pregnant with Nathan. He can’t imagine it getting easier for her, not now. “Will I follow you in my car or will we just take one?”

“One would probably be easier.”

“Could we take mine? It has his car seat and…”

“It’s not a minivan,” he quips. He’s surprised to see her blush a little when she looks over at his car. “Yeah, of course we can take yours. I can come back with you and get mine later, I need to be back in London to pick up Becca after dance class anyway.” They’re being overly polite with one another and it unsettles him.

“Great.” She opens the car and gets Nathan settled in his seat with, what he has to say, is some really impressive speed. Both the girls were holy terrors when it came to getting in their seats.

“Where?” Nathan asks.

“We’re going to meet Scott’s parents. They live in Ilderton so we’re going to drive out there now, okay?” She kisses his forehead as he nods his head.

“Do you want me keep these on my lap?” Scott asks, lifting the tin, once she’s closed the door.

“No, I’ll put those in the back, it’s fine, thanks.”

He gets in on the passenger side and she joins him in the front, opening up a glasses case before she starts the car. She puts on these tortoiseshell frames and he blurts out, “I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“I got them when I was doing my MBA, they’re mainly just for driving and watching TV.” She fixes them, seeming a little self-conscious. “Do they look okay?”

That’s kind of the problem. “Good, they look really good,” he says, a bit forcefully, but at least it’s better than telling her how hot she looks in them. He wishes he’d known about this back when they were fucking, and then has to try and stop himself imagining her in just those glasses and some of her lacy lingerie.

He notices the redness in her cheeks when she looks through the mirror at her son. “Are you okay in there?” she asks Nathan.

“Ready to go!” He puts his arms up and Tessa beams at him through the rear-view mirror before taking off.

They’ve been driving for a few minutes, nothing but the radio playing low and Nathan humming what Scott thinks is a nursery rhyme, when she says, “You can ask.”

“Ask what?” There are probably a million questions he should be asking her.

She doesn’t take her eyes off the road but he can see her lips curve a fraction from her profile. “Whether I always used to drive this slow or is it only since the accident.”

“I hadn’t really noticed you were going slow,” he says honestly. The speed wasn’t fast by any means, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary. He hopes he’d never driven too fast on their way back from group, he’s never a reckless driver (he’s worked too many accidents for that), but he can’t be confident he didn’t try to hurry those journeys along.

“I’ve always been pretty cautious.” He notes that her hands sit at 9 and 3, the recommended placement nowadays, and that she holds tight enough that her knuckles turn a little paler. “It was maybe… a little out of control right after. I didn’t want to drive at all at first.”

Who would? If that’s how he lost Sarah, he thinks he would’ve become a hermit with the girls. He has to admit, he did keep everyone cooped up in the house and away from the sun after Sarah’s diagnosis. “I don’t think anyone would blame you for that. What made you do it?”

Tessa lets out a soft breath. “Jordan kept telling me I needed to for Nathan. That’s how she got me do most things.”

It’s similar to what his family said to him in the days after Sarah’s death, and the days after they found out the cancer was terminal.

They’re in the countryside by now, and Nathan shouts out “Cow!” with an incredible amount of excitement. He hasn’t known Nathan very long and it surprises him, just how loud the little boy can get. Scott looks over his shoulder and he finds himself smiling at how big Nathan’s grin is.

“What does the cow say?” Tessa asks.

“MOO!”

It’s obvious this is a well-worn conversation, though she’s still able to seem genuinely excited, which he knows is hard. “He’s obsessed with farms,” she whispers, “I think it’s because of some show. I’m trying to learn about them, I haven’t been on one since elementary school. I want to get him a bigger set for his birthday.” She points towards the field full of black Canadiennes, “Those are dairy cows, right?”

“Yeah, my uncle has ones like that. You know, I don’t think you really need to know that much detail… You’re getting him a toy set, right? Not a replica?” He has a brief, terrifying thought of Tessa buying a cow for Nathan’s birthday. He doesn’t think Tessa would do something quite so extreme but he is also guilty of trying to buy Becca and Mollie the world since Sarah’s passing.

Tessa spares him a quick glance, only long enough for him to see her roll her eyes. “Of course it’s a toy set, he’s turning three! And I just… like knowing things. If I’m going to learn about farm animals, I’m going to do it properly.”

That sounds like the Tessa way of life. “That’s a good way to be.”

“Really?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at him. “That’s all you have to say on that?”

“Well… It’s good that you want to know as much as possible… but you’re not going to get everything from a book. You need to go out and do things.” This has been the idea he’d been trying to get across to her those first few weeks in group, though he thinks he made a really bad job of it.

“You’re very keen on practical experience.” Her voice has a slight rasp to it now, but then she clears her throat. “But maybe you have a point. About experiencing things.”

He lowers his voice so that Nathan won’t hear and think he’s going today. “I could take him to my uncle’s farm sometime, if you liked.”

“Oh, he’d love that!” She takes her eyes off the road for the briefest second to give him a smile that shrinks almost immediately. Then she backtracks. “But I don’t want to impose. And maybe I shouldn’t go, with the baby? I mean, I know pregnant women are on farms all the time, but they probably know what to avoid and I wouldn’t and…”

“I don’t think there’s any reason you shouldn’t be on a farm but… I could take him. If that would be okay with you.” They’re in this weird place of trying to plan for the future but seeing what happens day to day. He doesn’t know what part he’s going to be playing in Nathan’s life. He likes kids and he really likes Nathan, but he doesn’t want to overstep. They’re friends but it still feels like an awfully big step. He’s not even sure how he’d feel about letting Tessa take the girls by herself.

“That’s… that’s really nice of you to offer.” He can tell she means it, but that she’s unsure, worrying at her bottom lip. She sits a little straighter in her seat and asks, “Are we getting close to your parents’ now?”

“Yeah, just continue down this road for another little bit and then there’s a lane to your left, it’s at the bottom of that.” He has no doubt Tessa could have made her way here with just some directions, but he’d thought it would be easier for her to have him with her when she meets his parents properly. Easier for them both.

“Nearly there?” Nathan asks, looking up from the cloth book that’s been doing a great job of holding his attention. Scott has to say, he finds it impressive that Nathan uses the word nearly. It’s a testament to how well his parents have spoken to him, how well Tessa has done to encourage his speech.

“Yes, darling, we’re almost there.”

After she turns off the car when they pull up to the house, Tessa rubs her hands on her legs and takes a long sip of her tea before taking off her glasses. “Do you want to take that in with you? My mom won’t mind.”

She’s shaking her head before he even finishes his sentence. “Oh no, I’ll be fine, thanks. I’m just nervous.”

“Yeah.” It’s not like telling her not to be will do any good.

“But I have the cutest buffer, huh?” She turns around and tickles Nathan’s leg who laughs in response.

“And store-bought brownies,” he quips. Tessa fixes him with a glare and raised brow.

“How many times do I have to tell you I can bake?” She gets out of the car and grabs the tin from the backseat. “Okay, I didn’t make that cake, but I’m not good at decorating, other things I can do!”

“And the truth finally comes out,” Scott booms as he unclicks his seatbelt. He steps out and opens Nathan’s door but doesn’t unbuckle him from his seat. He thinks Tessa would prefer to do that herself. “I _knew_ that cake was store-bought!” She shoves the brownie tin against his stomach when she joins him on the passenger side of the car, clearly unamused at how he’s responded to her confession. He takes note for the first time that the tin is red and shiny, and not Tupperware. “Hey, did you use a tin to impress my mom? Is group only good enough for Tupperware?”

She ducks her head out, staring daggers at him, and it feels like it could be back before any of this begun, back when they just argued a lot. “Don’t you dare say that to her.”

“I wasn’t going to!” he protests. He might well have, and from the way Tessa rolls her eyes at him he thinks she knows that.

Nathan burrows into her once he’s free from his seat and she rubs her hand up and down his back. “Are you getting tired now after the car trip? Or are you feeling a bit shy?” His head dips further under her shoulder. “It’s okay to be shy,” Tessa says softly, “but I’m sure Scott’s parents are going to be really friendly just like he is.”

He feels strangely overwhelmed listening to her speak so kindly about him to her son. “Yeah buddy, they’re going to be so happy to see you.”

Tessa smiles at him and he puts a hand on her back and leads her towards the house. He almost regrets it, not sure if she wants to be touched by him like this right now, but it had happened before he really thought it through. His hand fits so snugly just above the curve of her ass. She doesn’t mention it, just keeps walking, so it must be okay with her.

His parents are waiting for them at the door, both wearing smiles, but not their full ones. Scott removes his hand. “Tessa baked brownies!” he announces, shaking the tin before handing it over to his mom.

“That’s so kind of you,” his mom says. “It’s so good to meet you properly, I’m Alma and this is Joe.” Tessa’s shakes both of their hands, still rubbing Nathan’s back with the other. “And this is Nathan, right? He has such gorgeous curls!”

Tessa’s shoulders relax a little, and her hand goes to her son’s hair. “He does! His dad had them too, but they mainly fell out before he went to school. I’m kind of hoping his stay. He gets the colour from his dad too.”

Scott’s still a little surprised at just how blonde Nathan is when Tessa’s hair is so dark, even after seeing all those photographs of Jonathan. “He has Tessa’s eyes.” They all stare at him and he’s not entirely sure why. It’s a fact.

“His dad’s eyesight though,” Tessa says when Nathan’s glasses hit against her neck as he lifts his head up from her shoulder and peers around at Scott’s parents.

“Hello there!” His mom is really smiling now. She’s helpless against cute kids and Nathan is high on the cute level. “I love your glasses! I have some too, maybe I’ll show you later. Would you like that?” Nathan nods almost imperceptibly but judging from his mom’s smile, she counts it as a win. “I put out some toys for you to play with in the living room, but if you just want to stay close to your mom for a little while that’s okay.”

Tessa beams. She must still be nervous but Scott can't find a trace of it. “Thank you, that was so thoughtful. He’s just a little tired, I think.”

“We have so many for when the grandkids come to visit,” his dad says with a wave of his hand. “Come in, Tessa. Would you like coffee, tea? I have decaf.”

“Oh no, I’m fine…”

His mom tuts. “Please, you’ll have something with your brownies. I made some cookies too.”

“Oh, water is perfect, thanks,” Tessa says, cheeks pinking lightly.

His mom ushers Tessa into the living room and then turns to him and his dad and orders them to get drinks from the kitchen. His dad takes him by the arm when he’s about to argue. “But Tessa’s nervous,” he whispers when they’re in the kitchen.

“I’m sure that Tessa is a very capable woman,” his dad answers, filling up the glass of water. “Your mom will want coffee, why don’t you pour some for the rest of us?” Scott reaches for the coffee pot and does as he’s told. “Are you nervous?”

“About Tessa meeting you guys?” Yes. All he can think about right now is his good-natured mother cornering Tessa with a smile and demanding to know her intentions with Scott.

His dad shuts off the tap. “All of it really?”

“I’m more… worried. I want to do what’s best for Becca and Mollie, but I also want to do the best thing for this baby.” Scott puts the mugs on a tray, along with Tessa’s water.

His dad lays a hand on his shoulder. “Well, I think if you keep that at the front of your mind you won’t go too far wrong.”

“Thanks, Dad.” It’s not the most detailed advice, but it helps all the same. And it’s not as if his dad or anyone has a play-by-play for what to do in this situation.

His dad looks like he wants to say something more, but Scott really can’t in good conscience leave Tessa and Nathan alone much longer. He picks up the tray of drinks with an awkward grin and heads to the living room where Tessa is complimenting his mom on her oatmeal cookies and sharing one with Nathan. He’s sitting on her lap, but only just, and staring down at the trucks and building blocks on the floor like he’s thinking about making a move.

He hopes the sigh of relief he lets out is silent.

After Scott places the tray on the table and hands Tessa and his mom their drinks, he sits down on the floor unpacking the Legos. “I wonder if there’s anyone here who could help me make a farm?” Nathan looks up at Tessa and she opens her eyes wide at him, and then he slides off her lap and walks over to sit beside Scott.

“Do you like farms, young man?” Scott’s dad joins them, helping him pour out the remaining bricks.

Nathan scoots a little closer to Scott but manages to keep looking at Joe. “Cows,” Nathan says quietly. “Sheep.”

“And what animal makes the ‘buck buck’ sound?” Tessa asks, putting quite a bit of effort into her chicken impression.

Smiling back at Tessa, Nathan says, “Cicken!” Not quite the exuberance Scott had heard earlier about cows in the car, but louder than Nathan has been since they arrived.

“Good job. Do you want to build a house for the chickens to live in with me and my dad?” Scott asks.

Nathan nods, and they start to build.

“Does your family have a farming background, Tessa?” his mom asks.

Tessa lets out a small laugh. “Oh no, not at all. I think he’s interested because of a show he’s watching.”

“Tessa’s learning about farms so she can teach him about them,” Scott adds.

Tessa looks at him, surprised. “Yeah, I’m trying.”

Scott stacks a red lego that Nathan hands him on top of a yellow one, looking up discreetly to see his mom smiling. “That’s very nice. You must be very busy. I imagine running Instagram is no small feat.”

His head jolts up, silencing Tessa before she even has a chance to speak. “Instagram?” His dad sighs and Scott looks over to see him shaking his head.

Tessa’s looking at him like he’s grown a second head. “Yes?” She looks, confused, between his mom and him. “Didn’t… I thought you knew what the app was?” She settles on his mom. “How did you know?”

His mother blushes. “I googled you.” How could she have done that? Did she not trust him?

Tessa doesn’t look at all offended. “Of course.” She turns her eyes onto Scott. “You didn’t google me? I googled you.” He doubts that much of anything turned up on him.

“I didn’t feel the need too?” His eyes widen. “That came out wrong.” How does he explain that he didn’t care how she got her money? How does he explain without revealing too much that he didn’t want to see Tessa living a much happier life prior to knowing him? “I just… I don’t know. I didn’t think to do so? I didn’t think you were going to kill me. Did you think I was going to kill you?”

“Of course not,” Tessa says quickly. “I’d never! I was just - ” He can’t hold in his laughter anymore and when Tessa catches sight of his smile, scowls at him. “Oh, you’re insufferable.” It only makes him laugh harder but then his mom is glaring too and Scott quickly clears his throat. Tessa blushes like maybe she’s said the wrong thing. “Sorry, I don’t mean that. You’re not insufferable…”

“Oh, but he is,” his mom says drily,  softening as she looks at Tessa again. “Ignore him. What were you saying, dear? I confess I don’t know much about apps but it seems like busy work.”

“Not so much anymore,” Tessa says, relaxing a bit more into the couch. “I stepped back from the day-to-day running of things after Nathan was born, I just do half-days now, and some work in the evenings. I’ve had to do more recently after, um, after we lost Jonathan.”

“It’s been a hard year,” his mom says softly.

“Yes,” Tessa sighs. She looks a little far away for a moment, her eyes falling to her lap. She presses her hands against the skirt of her dress. On her next breath she looks at Nathan and then Scott before turning her attention back to Alma. “For you too, of course.”

His mom nods, slow, and looks between Tessa and Scott sadly before she scoots to the edge of the seat, brownie tin beneath her fingers. “I am excited to try these,” Alma says and effectively ends any conversation of dead spouses.

It perks Tessa up some and she’s quick to help his mom take off the lid of the tin when she sees it’s causing her some trouble. “I hope you like them, I have a variation of this recipe with nuts too, but I didn’t know if you had anyone with allergies so I didn’t want to take a chance.”

His mom takes a bite and her face lights up. “This is delicious. The perfect consistency and just the right amount of chocolate!” He thinks his mom might genuinely moan and it has him concentrating a little harder on helping Nathan build his chicken coop. She shoves the tin towards him and his dad. “Joe! Try one of Tessa’s brownies!”

His dad lifts his head from where he’s carefully building with Nathan and takes one. “God, this is amazing. Is this a secret recipe?”

“No,” Tessa laughs, “not secret. It just took a while to perfect.”

His mom takes another and examines it in her hands before asking, “Have you always been interested in baking?”

“Not really. I started stress-baking in college, I was awful at first, but I was stressed a lot so I baked a lot and then I got pretty good. And that continued afterwards... I think I finally hit on this recipe during my fourth year finals.” Tessa smiles, sad but fond, “My mom always says this recipe is why my husband asked me to marry him.”

“Well, I’d marry you for it,” his mom says, crumbs spraying ever so slightly.

Tessa’s smile is wider now. “All you have to do is ask,” she jokes.

Maybe Scott stacks the legos a little harder at this exchange. It’s strange too, hearing Tessa talk of marriage, even if it isn’t serious. He doesn’t see her remarrying, well, ever.

His mom laughs, a big full one, and offers Tessa the plate of cookies. “These ones have stem ginger, Scott said you’ve been having morning sickness? It helped with mine.”

Tessa looks touched. “Yes, I’ve been making ginger tea. I had these ginger sweets last time, but I can’t seem to find the brand anywhere now.”

His mom nods sympathetically “Mine was worst with Scott. Is yours different to last time?”

He’s surprised Tessa doesn’t make some remark about him always being a troublemaker. Tessa hums, looking thoughtful. “More intense, but I seem to be having more of everything with this one. But I guess it makes sense to be more tired when I have a toddler and, well, with everything…”

“It must have been a shock.” His mom’s voice is quiet. He’s not sure whether he should look up at her or not, so keeps his focus on Nathan, who’s deep in concentration.

“Yes.” There’s the hint of laugh, and then she sounds more serious, “Especially… I didn’t think I could get pregnant naturally.” It’s almost apologetic, as if it’s her fault they’re in this situation and not very much the result of both their actions.

“You had a long road to have this little man?” He guesses his mom is looking towards Nathan. He’s grateful that she hasn’t mentioned him telling her about Tessa’s previous struggles.

“It felt very long. But it was all worth it.” Tessa’s voice is so warm when she’s talking about her son.

“Of course. He’s such a sweet kid.”

Nathan is oblivious to the exchange happening between the mothers, too focused on the task at hand. He picks up a four row lego in blue and hands it to Scott’s dad before deciding quickly to swap it out for a yellow one, a soft _sorry_ escaping him when he takes it back. “He really is. I don’t know where he gets it from, he’s just so… kind, I guess? But maybe that’s silly to say when he’s not even three yet.”

“I don’t think it is,” his mom assures her. “Scott was such a sweetheart when he was little.”

He grins up at Tessa, “Bet you’re wondering where it all went wrong?” Tessa frowns at him as if to say he shouldn’t be saying stuff like that to her in front of his mom, but her eyes are sparkling the way they do when she’s about to laugh.

“Mama, look!” Nathan points to the yellow house they’ve built.

“Is that the house for the chickens?” She slides off the couch and kneels down beside her son.

“Can you tell me what they do there?”

Nathan does some squawking and then starts babbling, the only words that Scott can pick out are his attempts at chicken and house. Tessa listens intently, nodding along and repeating some words or sounds.

“Great story,” she says when he’s finished up. “Are you going to tell Scott and Joe ‘good job’ for building this?”

Nathan repeats the phrase to them, and they both thank him. “You were in charge, Nathan. You did most of the work,” Scott says.

Tessa smiles at him gratefully before rising up. She stumbles a bit before sitting down heavily.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asks, the urgency in his voice surprising him a little. There’s no need to worry yet.

“Yeah, just a bit lightheaded. Maybe I got up too fast.” There’s a grimace on her face that wasn’t there before. He knows her nausea must be rearing its ugly head again.

His mom hands her the glass of water. “Drink this up, honey. Would you like to go outside for some fresh air? Or to the bathroom?”

Tessa nods. “The bathroom maybe.” His mom directs her down the hall and Tessa ruffles Nathan’s hair and tells him where’s she going before she heads out.

Scott wants to do something. “She has that ginger tea in her car, I’ll go get it.” He fetches her keys from her bag and turns to find Nathan still at his side. Of course he should take him out with him, he’s the one he’s more familiar with. “Will we take a walk out to the car and get something for your mama?” he asks, holding out his hand. Nathan takes it happily enough and Scott notices his mom appraising the situation.

He lifts Nathan up when they’re out in the yard and holds him in his arm while he gets the tea from the car. It’s then that Danny pulls up, rolling down his window and calling, “Did you rob a bank and kidnap a kid?”

“Rob a bank?”

“How else would you afford a car like that?”

Scott rolls his eyes. “It’s not mine.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” His brother mouths the word that’s not suitable for young, inquisitive ears.

Scott doesn’t wait for Danny to get out of his car, he doesn’t want Tessa to have to worry about where Nathan is if she heads back in to the living room and they’re not there. She’s coming down the hall just as he’s entering the front door.

“Mama!” Nathan yells happily, putting out his arms.

“Hey, were you outside with Scott?” She takes her son, hugging him close.

“Tea,” he says.

“Good job, Nathan,” Scott praises. “We went to get you your tea. I, uh, thought you might want it.” He hands over the travel mug.

“Thank you. I… I really appreciate that.” She sips from it, and he notices there’s a bit more colour in her cheeks now than before.

“Are you feeling a little better?” He persists with questions after she nods, he has this need to be sure. “Do you want anything, or to call anyone?”

Her smile is tired but genuine as she leans her head against her son’s. “I’m fine, I promise. I wouldn’t take any chances with my health when I’m pregnant, you know that.”

He’s glad that Danny comes in after she says this, but maybe not so glad when Danny shouts, “Seriously, Scott, where’s the car from? Did you win the lottery?”

He steps out of way and gestures towards Tessa “It’s my friend’s. Danny, this is Tessa. Tessa, this is my eldest brother Danny. And this little guy is her son, Nathan.”

Between Nathan and the tea Tessa’s hands are full, so Danny kisses her cheek instead, before shaking Nathan’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, how to you know Scott?”

“We’re in the same bereavement support group,” Tessa answers.

Before Danny can ask any more questions, Scott says, “Would it be okay if we head back to London soon, Tessa? I don’t want to be late for Becca.”

“Of course not! I’ll just go in and thank your mom.”

Scott is about to follow her in when his brother grasps his shoulder. “You’re taking someone from your bereavement support group home to meet Mom? Is she married or…”

Why is this the question everyone in his family has after meeting Tessa? “Widowed. Her husband died the same time as Sarah.”

“Okay.” His brother draws out the vowel sounds. “Scott…”

“We’re friends. That’s it.” He doesn’t know why he’s lying. If all goes well with the pregnancy he’ll be telling him the truth in a few weeks. “She met Mom and the girls recently, and Mom suggested she come out here and visit with Nathan.”

He doesn’t look to see if his brother is buying this. “I guess I’d better go say hi to Mom and Dad,” Danny says eventually.

They go in together and see their mom squeezing Tessa’s arm before hugging her and Nathan. “We’ll see you soon. And I’ll make sure Scott gets that tin back to you!”

Scott hugs his parents, his mom making sure to whisper that she wants him to call her when he has a chance, and then he and Tessa go out to her car. He’s about to hand her the keys when he thinks about how ill she seemed to be not so long ago. “Are you feeling up to driving? I can do it if that’s okay with you.”

Tessa looks from him to the car, before taking a breath. “I’m okay with you driving. Thanks.”

“It’s no problem.” He opens the door so she can put Nathan into his seat, and then goes around to the other side of the car.

“Your parents are lovely,” Tessa says when she climbs in to the seat beside him. “They were so friendly. I… I don’t think I expected them to be so warm with me.”

It’s an interesting way to put it, warm with her specifically. “Why is that?”

She raises her eyebrows at him like he should know the answer. “Because Sarah was their daughter-in-law?” She fiddles with her seatbelt. “And I’m… here. And pregnant. Very soon after she passed away.”

He backs out, taking the corner slowly and carefully. “Nobody blames you for this, Tessa. It was the two of us, and my parents know that we’re going to do our best with this.”

“I don’t know about nobody blaming me,” she says, tapping her fingers on her arm.

“You shouldn’t do that to yourself.” He knows that her sister is the only other person who knows, and she definitely doesn’t seem to be blaming her. “I should have been more careful.”

Tessa tips back her head and closes her eyes. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell other people.”

“It’s going to be hard.” There’s no way to sugarcoat it, and it wouldn’t be right to do so.

“Yeah, it will.” Her voice is shaky and she reaches a hand back to rub Nathan’s leg. His eyes are starting to droop shut. “Tell me about growing up here. Please.”

He does until they arrive at her house and he carries her stuff in for her while she deals with her sleeping son. She agrees to keep him updated on how she’s feeling later on.

As he drives to the dance studio, he calls his mom. He can hear her moving when she answers the phone, and figures she must be leaving the room where Danny is.

“She’s good people,” his mom announces.

“Yeah, she is.”

She continues before he can try and elaborate. “This is a complicated situation you two are in, but I feel a little easier about it after having met her properly.” He’s relieved to hear this, he knows how much she’s been worrying. “And I know I only saw them together for a short time, but… she’s a good mom. I can tell.”

“She’s a great mom.” Scott has so many concerns about what is going to happen for them, but this is the one part he has no fear about. Tessa will be an amazing mom to their child.

—

She feels awful.

Jordan suggested staying home but Tessa knows that mentally she’ll feel better going to group. It’s not as if staying home will make her feel any less like throwing up.

A knock on her window scares her, has her jumping in her seat and lifting her head from the steering wheel. Scott looks sheepish on the other side of the glass. She gives him the best smile she can muster before gathering her things and opening her car door. “You don’t look too hot.” She knows he means it in the sense that she looks ill but it still makes her frown despite herself. It’s silly, really. What does it matter if Scott still finds her attractive? They have more important things to worry about.

He closes the door for her and then produces a bag of hard candies from his pocket. “Courtesy of one Alma Moir. It also came with the instruction that I apologize for not knowing you created Instagram, but I don’t need my mom to tell me to do that.”

Her lips quirk as she takes the candy from him. They’re ginger sweets, the exact brand she’s been searching for. She tries not to tear up at Alma’s kindness. “You need your mom to tell you who to apologize to,” she teases.

“‘Course not,” he asserts. “At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I don’t care that you and Jonathan created Instagram.” He shrugs. “You’re just Tessa to me. Just like I’m sure you don’t care that I’m a firefighter.” That’s not true. She cares a great deal about what Scott does for a living. It scares her, knowing that he risks his life, and thrills her, the glorified mental images she’d created of Scott on a (completely safe and low risk) work run keeping her warm on nights when she and Scott weren’t able to meet up. “I will gladly listen to you about work if you’d like, though I promise you, I won’t understand much.”

She laughs. “Thanks for the offer.” Her fingers twist at the hard ginger candy wrapper as they walk to the church. “I don’t look too awful, do I?” Her hands go up to her hair, twisting it up into what she hopes is a decent bun. She worries someone in group will suspect something. She doesn’t want to lie any more than she has to, especially not to people she considers friends.

Scott tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “If I didn’t know you were throwing up night and day, I wouldn’t suspect a thing.”

She bumps her shoulder against his. “Liar.”

Once inside, Scott takes his usual seat by Anne, who Tessa can tell is looking suspiciously at them. They rarely walk in together but, honestly, what is so suspicious about that? They all park in the same parking lot! Tessa is still serving up her cinnamon rolls when Madi stomps into the room, her sneakers somehow audible on the carpet. She’s not wearing make up which isn’t unusual, but her eyes are red and face splotchy, clear signs that she’s been crying.

“Madi,” Amanda says gently. Her hand twists the little stick she rings her gong with. “Is everything okay?”

Madi hoists her purse higher on her shoulder and takes a cinnamon roll right out of Tessa’s hand. “Never better,” she answers around a bite, crumbs and frosting sticking to her lips. She holds up the rest of the pastry in her hand. “This is really good, Tess.”

Tessa blinks. “Thank you?” She watched as Madi shoves the rest of the cinnamon roll into her mouth and all Tessa can think about is her choking, so much so that Tessa is quick to dig a water bottle out of her purse. Madi smiles in thanks but doesn’t move to open the water bottle once she takes it. Tessa looks helplessly at the rest of the group who all stare back at her, just as confused. Even Amanda looks unsure of what to do.

“Let’s sit down, yeah?” Tessa says, guiding Madi to the closest chair and then sitting down beside her.

Amanda timidly hits the gong, the noise barely reverberating. “Madi, would you li- ”

“Tomorrow is my anniversary.” Each member of group reacts in their own way, some simply frowning while others offer sympathy in the form of murmured apologies. Boris takes Madi’s hand in his own, patting it continuously in a steady rhythm. “I got flowers from him this morning.” Tessa’s breath catches in her throat. “I never realized that he had it set up to always deliver to me on special occasions…” Madi’s face, which has been blank thus far, starts to crumple, her bottom lip trembling before she bites down on it. “And for once I just missed him? I wasn’t angry about what he’d done, I just _wanted_ him.” Tessa can feel her own eyes start to well up with tears when Madi adds, “Last year we talked about going away for this anniversary. The note mentioned to start packing…”

She and Jonathan had talked abstractly about that too before the accident since Frank had been talking about Greece a lot while Marian kept mentioning Italy. Jonathan had wanted to surprise them for Christmas but Tessa couldn’t bear to celebrate the holiday outside of the Brady home. “What if we all go?” Jonathan had said then into the skin of her neck, his arm tight around her waist. “For our anniversaries? It’ll give us plenty of time to plan.” She had agreed immediately, even though her very first thought was that, hopefully, she’d have convinced him to have another baby by then.

And now, here she is, two weeks out from her anniversary, pregnant. She should’ve been more specific, because clearly whoever is watching over them has a sick sense of humor.

Madi chokes around a sob and Tessa is quick to scoot her chair closer, rubbing the blonde’s back soothingly. “And then I got _another_ bouquet.” Madi’s shoulders shake beneath Tessa’s touch. “He had the same anniversary with someone else!” There’s a fury in her now, the words spit out and her face red. A collective gasp sounds from the group. They all knew Madi’s husband was awful but this really does add the worst insult to injury.

“What a prick,” Anne says from beside Scott. He’s looking directly at Tessa but there’s something in his expression that has her growing worried.

“Do,” he starts, coughing a little before he continues. “Do you guys think our anniversaries will ever just become a regular day?”

Tessa can say with absolute certainty that her anniversaries with Jonathan will never lose their meaning. The day she met Jonathan is the day Nathan had been born on, the day they started dating is the day her mom always makes her famous stew, their wedding anniversary always spent with his parents before they would steal away time for themselves. Even in their most difficult year, their anniversary was spent tangled up together and reaffirming that they still loved each other, that they would continue to love each other no matter what.

Jonathan no longer being here doesn’t change that for Tessa.

“Never,” she says, her voice soft amid Madi’s crying. “Not for me.” She can’t find it in herself to be the slightest bit regretful as she looks back at Scott and she’s relieved when he doesn’t appear to be hurt by her affirmation. Where they stand together Tessa isn’t sure. She likes Scott, knows that in the pit of her stomach, but that doesn’t diminish the love she has for her husband. Whether she should be worried about that, she doesn’t know, but it’s not something Tessa feels the need to think about now.

“I wish I could erase this day from the calendar,” Madi cries and Boris nods.

“I felt the same way too, dear.”

Kurt shakes his head. “I was awful with dates before…” He can’t manage to say it.

Scott crosses his legs, the chair creaking beneath his weight. “Sarah and I, we never made a big deal about our anniversary.” He shrugs. “It just happened to be the day that we could both make it down to the courthouse. And eventually it just took a back seat to everything else.” Not for the first time, Tessa imagines the differences between their wedding days. Her wedding with Jonathan wasn’t exactly extravagant, far from it actually, but it was everything she wanted. She felt like she would burst from joy. It’s strange to think that Scott’s wedding wasn’t like that. “The day Sarah passed though… November 12th. That’s the day my girls lost their mom. How can I ever forget that?”

A shiver runs through her. Jonathan’s accident was on the 15th. It’s no wonder Scott hadn’t noticed the news about the wreck.

Amanda is walking around the room, holding out tissues for those who need them before handing the entire box to Madi. “You know what days I remember most?” She smiles gently at Tessa, at Boris. “The days I met all of you.” She goes over to the snack table and walks Tessa’s treats around the circle next. Classic Amanda, always trying to brighten their spirits with sweets when she isn’t sure words will do. “We’re all going to have days that stand out, maybe for a while or maybe not. But think of all the new special days you haven’t had yet. Right now this date isn’t special but who knows what the years will bring.”

Tessa thinks about the day she met Scott. She thinks about the day she touched him for the first time. She thinks of their baby’s due date.

February 20th. April 13th. If her calculations are correct and this little one is as prompt as its brother was, April 10th.

She never would have guessed last year that any of those days would mean a thing to her. But now Tessa knows she won’t be able to forget them either.

—

As soon as they get the sonograms in their hands after the scan it’s like they don’t want to let them go. Scott notices how Tessa keeps sneaking glances at hers as they leave the consultation room. He has his firmly in his hands, the physical reminder of the experience they’d just shared. He had forgotten just how incredible it was to see that tiny little bubble on the screen, the bubble that was their baby. It’s real now, undeniable in a way it maybe hadn’t been before. They’ve seen their baby and heard its rapid heartbeat, both overwhelmed by the experience. He’d taken her hand in his automatically, and then worried he might be overstepping. But Tessa had just clung onto him, their fingers tightly intertwined and her nails digging into his skin.

She reaches for his hand again now, squeezing once before letting go. “It’s so amazing, isn’t it?! I really need to go to the bathroom, but I’ll be back in a minute.”

Scott sits down on one of the armchairs that line the hallway. He’s glad that Tessa is having her scan at her midwife’s clinic and not at the hospital where she’s planning to give birth, the hospital where Sarah had worked. He hadn’t wanted to run in to any of Sarah’s colleagues when he was there with Tessa. He doesn’t even know if they would have suspected anything, maybe would have thought he was just there with a friend, but he’d know the truth. He’s worried about his own colleagues too, and how they’ll react. He hadn’t talked about his marital troubles with them much, everyone there had always loved Sarah and they’d been so supportive throughout her illness.

He looks down at the photograph of the baby growing inside Tessa. He’s ready for whatever people will say if it means getting to be a dad again, and sharing that experience with Tessa.

“It’s hard to believe we can even see them when they’re that small,” he hears her say. She sits down beside him, taking her own copy out of her purse again. “We didn’t have a scan this early last time, I didn’t get to see Nathan until he was eleven weeks.”

Scott remembers being with Sarah for her first scan and not knowing what to expect at all, he’d felt a little out of place and surplus to requirements. As nervous as he’d been about this one, he at least knew what the drill was. “It’s so special, getting to see them.”

“Yeah.” There’s a wistful smile on Tessa’s face and then she pales, her hand going towards her mouth.

“Do you want to put your head between your knees?” Scott gently rests his hand on her arm.

She nods and starts to bend her head, but then lifts it up again, holding on tighter to the armrest. He thinks she probably needs to throw up but doesn’t know if she’ll make it to the bathroom. He looks around for a midwife, wonders if he could run into a room in the hopes of finding an emesis bowl, but then spies a tissue box on the table beside him. He grabs at the tissues, handing some to Tessa and then leaving the rest on the table before pulling the box open and handing it to her.

Other people vomiting used to make Scott want to retch too, the awful gagging sound and that nasty stench, but after Sarah’s two pregnancies and then her reactions to her treatments this could be just another part of his daily routine, albeit one he hasn’t had to deal with in a while. He keeps Tessa’s hair back from her face with one hand and rubs her back with the other. It doesn’t last too long, but he keeps holding on as Tessa reaches for one of the tissues on her lap to wipe her mouth, her eyes firmly shut like she wants to keep the world out.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

“There’s no need. This is all part of it.”

“A part you don’t usually have to deal with.” She’s opened her eyes now at least, even if she’s not looking at him.

“Well, I have no problem dealing with it. I’m happy to do that, I’m half the reason you’re throwing up, it’s the very least I can do.”

“I… I don’t really like you seeing me like this.” He wonders if she means vulnerable, which surprises him, seeing as they’ve both been vulnerable with each other he thinks, but then she says, “It’s… It’s stupid but I still want you to see me as attractive.”

“Tess.” He tucks her hair behind her ear. “Seeing you throw up doesn’t make you seem any less beautiful.”

“Oh yeah, there’s nothing sexier than chucking up your breakfast into an empty Kleenex box. Thank you, that was good thinking,” she adds.

“Well, if anyone could make it look hot you could.” There really was nothing hot about it, but she’s still Tessa.

She frowns even more, the line between her brows getting deeper. “Sorry. I shouldn't be bringing that up when we’re not… It’s not fair.”

“It’s okay. I get it.” He still wants her to want to sleep with him even if it’s not the most sensible idea right now. Is that selfish? He takes the box from her hands. “I’ll get rid of this, do you want to go rinse your mouth or stay sitting here a little longer?”

“I’m good to get up, but I can take care of that, You’ve been…”

Scott stands. “I’ll do it. Please, you rest, I’ll handle this.”

“Okay,” she agrees, shoulders sagging. “I’ll go freshen up and I’ll meet you back here?”

“Perfect.” He leans down to kiss her forehead, not minding how sweaty it is. Though he did prefer it when she was sweaty for other reasons. That would be a bad idea now, even without all the other things they need to be thinking about. Tessa is clearly not going to be feeling up to it.

He heads down the corridor and knocks on a door he finds ajar. “Come in!” a voice calls from inside.

“Sorry, but my, uh, my friend was ill and we didn’t have anything else on hand.” He holds out the tissue box.

“Innovative, I like that. Don’t worry about it, does she need anything?” The midwife takes it out of his hands.

“No, I think she’s good, thanks.”

He almost bumps into Tessa as she’s leaving the bathroom, she still looks pale, but better than before. “Do you want me to drive you home?” he asks.

“That would be good, thanks. I was going to ask if you could come by anyway, Jordan is watching Nathan and I thought it might be good for you guys to meet.” She frowns, “If you want.”

“Of course. Do you want me to drive your car or are you okay going in the minivan?”

She rolls her eyes at him. “We can take the minivan. Jordan can drive me over to get mine later.”

They talk about the ultrasound as they make their way out to his van. Just as he’s taking off Tessa says, “I couldn’t believe it when she mentioned the 13th as a likely conception date.”

“Because of Friday the 13th?” He can’t think of it as unlucky.

“Not because of _that_. Because that was the time we got back together.”

He’s distracted by her choice of words, before it sinks in. “ _Oh_. How could you have got pregnant then? Isn’t the come meant to stay inside?”

Tessa’s huge laugh breaks out. “That’s what I thought!! Maybe…” She’s finding it hard to speak from how hard she’s laughing. “Maybe I was going about it the wrong way before. That’s how it works for me.”

There’s a joke running through his head about how she’ll need to replicate the experiment to prove that, but it doesn’t seem like a good idea to say it out loud. He thinks one baby is more than enough to be thinking about right now. “April baby,” he says, moving the conversation down a different direction.

“Yeah.” Tessa passes her left hand gently over her stomach, the small diamonds twinkling in the light. “New life in spring.”

It will be a new life for all of them. He wonders how Becca will feel about the new baby coming along soon after her own birthday. He wonders how she’ll feel about all of it. It’s her reaction he’s more worried about than Mollie’s, he thinks Mollie might be young enough to just accept this and take it in her stride, but Becca is older and sensitive. And she adored her mom, he doesn’t know how she’ll react to the idea that he could move on so quickly, she’ll probably assume that his relationship with Tessa was more serious than it was. He can’t explain the concept of friends with benefits to her, she’s eight for Christ’s sake.

“The clinic isn’t too far from home for you,” he observes as they make their way past the fancy houses that lead to Tessa’s even fancier one. Maybe he should have figured out that the money was coming from a really big name business, but he hadn’t cared. All he was ever interested in was Tessa and what they had together.

“It’s very convenient. Do you want to just call in and say hi to Jordan or can you stay around for a little bit? She’s going to have lunch with us and then head in to work.”

“I can stay. I don’t need to be anywhere until Mollie’s ready to be picked up from preschool.” He’ll just need to make sure to leave earlier than he would his own house so that he doesn’t arrive late. Scott rolls down his window and leans over to enter the passcode when they arrive at Tessa’s house.

It’s only then that it really sets in that he’s about to meet her sister. He hasn’t been introduced to any of her family members other than Nathan. The only other people he knows from her life outside group are Charlie and Tanith, and he’d known them on his own terms before he met her anyway. Fuck. What are they going to think about this pregnancy? Jonathan had been Charlie’s best friend.

His palms are sweaty as Tessa opens her front door, he probably hasn’t been this nervous about meeting anyone’s family since he took Kaylie Fisher to prom. With Sarah's parents he hadn't felt like there was anything to prove.

“I’m home,” she calls. She’s opening her mouth to add something but then Nathan comes rushing out of the living room, waving a little cow plush toy.

“Buttercup go potty!” he says, holding his arms up for Tessa to lift him.

She does so, kissing his cheek and then saying, “Do you need to go too? How about you say hi to Scott first and then we’ll go to the bathroom?”

“Hi Scott!” He’s a little surprised at how clear it sounds, the ‘s’ just a little overemphasised.

“Hey buddy, are you having a good day?”

Jordan joins them, expression serene, looking towards Tessa first. “He probably really needs to pee, he refused to go until you came home.” She then turns to him, gaze a little calculating. “So you’re Scott. I’m Jordan.” She puts out her hand and shakes his firmly.

“It’s good to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you from Tessa.” He’s not sure if that was the right thing to say, but he has. She’s always talking about how grateful she is for her sister, and how guilty she gets that Jordan might be putting her life on hold while Tessa tries to figure out how to live her own again.

Jordan hums noncommittally. He’d known how similar they were from the photos of her he’d seen, but with them here in the same room the differences between the sisters are clearer. Jordan doesn’t appear at all relaxed in the way he’s come to know Tessa to be. She’s taller too, which maybe adds to her intimidation factor, and her face a little more angular. He suspects she’s dressed for work but even then, where Tessa was all clean lines and colors, Jordan is in prints and wide legged pants.

“Okay, we’re going to the bathroom,” Tessa says cheerfully. “Do you two want to head on into the kitchen and we’ll join you there?”

“Sure,” Jordan agrees. “I’ll get started on lunch.”

Tessa smiles at him before opening the down to the downstairs bathroom, humming some song about toilet time.

Jordan doesn't say anything until they’re both in the kitchen. “So. You’re the guy who got my sister pregnant.”

How is he meant to respond? “Uh, yes.” He watches her closely, admittedly happy that she’s not already wielding a knife.

She starts pulling containers out of the fridge and then opening the bread box. “I know you have kids already, and a lot of other responsibilities, so I understand that you might not be able to be very involved.” He wants to scoff. This baby is his responsibility now. Why wouldn’t he make time for it too? “But if you say you’re going to be around you need to follow through on that. You can’t promise to be there and then skip out a few months down the road.” She raises her head, eyes fierce. “They’ve lost enough, okay?”

There’s a part of him that’s offended or maybe hurt, but he knows this isn’t rational. Jordan has never met him before, she doesn’t know him, it’s only right that she should be protective of Tessa and Nathan. “I’m in this for the long haul,” he says, trying for a calmness he’s not really feeling.

“Good.” Her clipped tone matches the neat ways she’s slicing the crusty bread. “And don’t hurt her.”

“I never want to do that.” He’s not going for calm anymore, showing how strongly he feels with the firmness of his tone.

Jordan looks up at him again, maybe with some grudging respect now. “Tessa’s been doing better the past few months since you two have been…” She waves the butterknife around. He doesn’t think this is going to end badly but it still makes him stand a little straighter. “Whatever you were doing. That’s why I’m being so nice to you.”

She hasn’t been outright hostile, but nice seems a bridge too far. “I only want to help Tessa.”

“Okay.” She nods. “Do you take butter or mayonnaise on sandwiches?”

“Butter, but I can make my own, it’s no trouble.”

“Don’t be silly.” It’s the first thing she’s said that makes her sound like Tessa, exasperated rather than wary. “So, Tessa says you have two girls who are older than Nathan, tell me about them.”

He does so, relaxing now that he’s talking about his favourite subject. He’s just started talking about Mollie’s love of sports when Nathan comes bounding into the kitchen.

“I did big pee, Auntie Jo!”

“Great job!” She holds out her hand for a high five.

“Lunch?” he asks. “No crusts!”

Jordan laughs. “No crusts, _please,_ or your mama will think I let you get away with too much.” She leans back and frowns, maybe because Tessa hasn’t appeared yet. Scott hopes she isn’t getting sick again. “Scott, will you help Nathan sit up? I need to get these crustless sandwiches ready.”

“Sure.” He holds out his hands out to Nathan. “Is it okay if I lift you up to your seat?” Nathan nods, raising his arms, and Scott picks him up. He seems so small compared to the girls, but he’s going to be so much bigger than his sibling who’s due in the next few months. God, what if Scott has forgotten how to hold a newborn right?

Tessa reappears, the sonograms in her hand. “Are you okay?” Jordan asks.

“Yes, just getting these for you.” She shows them to her sister who takes a deep breath and wraps Tessa into her side.

“Wow. How did it feel? Seeing the,” she pauses, “B-A-B-Y?”

“Wonderful.” Tessa looks across to him and smiles. He doesn’t add anything, doesn’t want to intrude on her sharing this with her sister.

Jordan nudges her. “Looks just like you.”

“You’re hilarious.” She tucks the photograhs into a drawer and comes around the island to tickle Nathan. “Isn’t Auntie Jo so funny?”

He giggles and says, “Yes! Silly Auntie Jo!”

Tessa ruffles his hair and goes over to a cupboard, taking down a packet of saltines.

“Is that all you’re going to eat?” Jordan asks. “Maybe you could try some buttered toast?”

“You said you liked those new raisins you got a few days ago, maybe you could try them?” Scott suggests.

Tessa points her finger at Jordan and then him. “None of this. If you two start ganging up on me I’m going to unintroduce you.” She returns to Nathan, kissing him on the top of his head. “You’re still on my side, aren’t you baby?”

“Sanwich!” he shouts out, missing the ‘d’ sound, when Jordan hands it to him on a _Paw Patrol_ plate.

“Great. You’re just on the side of whoever feeds you,” Tessa deadpans. She takes a bite out of her cracker and sits down on Nathan’s other side. “I’m starting to believe the people who say that motherhood is thankless.” She doesn’t sound convincing at all with the way she’s beaming at her son.

“You sound like Mom.” Jordan produces the bag of raisins from the pantry and plops it down in front of Tessa.

“Well, that’s just rude,” Tessa says. She covers Nathan’s eyes with one hand, careful not to let her hand touch the lenses, before throwing a raisin at Jordan. The fact that Jordan manages to catch it in her mouth lessens the effect Scott thinks Tessa was going for but both sisters laugh, Nathan joining in too even though he missed what happened. “Come on, sit. You’ve got to go to work and I won’t let you go hungry.”

Jordan hands Scott his sandwich before settling down to take a bite of her own. He worries that it might feel awkward with him there but Jordan keeps asking about his family and it’s nice, more than nice really, that Tessa can join in with her own stories about Mollie and his mom.

Nathan puts a hand out, little fist opening and closing once before Tessa notices. When she does, the most brilliant smile crosses her face and she puts her hand in her son’s. Nathan kisses the back of her hand, getting butter all over it, before he continues eating, grinning at all the adults while he holds Tessa’s hand. Tessa only waits until she finishes her glass of water before peppering Nathan’s head with kisses.

Scott loves getting to see her like this, and his heart beats faster at the idea that one day he’s going to see her look at their baby like that. He could get so used to this - spending time with her and Nathan. He just hopes the girls can adjust and grow to like this too.

—

Tessa wakes up empty and exhausted and nauseous on her wedding anniversary and feels like that throughout the morning and into the afternoon. He should be here with her, tugging her out of bed and reminiscing about their wedding day, about all the days they shared. She’d felt awful for Madi when she shared in group about that bouquet of flowers, but now she thinks that maybe receiving something like that wouldn’t be so bad. At least she’d know Jonathan hadn’t also been sending flowers to other women from the same shop. She’d have a message from him almost.

But she doesn’t deserve that. She’s spending the morning of their wedding anniversary throwing up because she’s pregnant by someone else. Tessa had told Scott the day before about the significance of this day, not wanting him to worry if he texted and she didn’t reply. He’d been so sweet, the way he always is, and somehow that just made her feel so much worse. Tanith calls from her month-long family trip in the Caribbean and more or less just listens to Tessa cry for an hour. As much as she misses her friend she wonders if it’s been easier not having her around, she doesn’t feel as guilty about her keeping this secret from her. Plus, Tanith would have picked up on the morning sickness for sure.

Nathan is extra cuddly all day, like he knows she needs it, and she revels in the way he snuggles into her, his blonde hair tickling her nose as they curl up together on his bed for a nap. She doesn’t usually lie down with him at this time, but she needs it today, needs the comfort of being close to him before they go to the cemetery.

It had been Marian’s idea, and while she’d made it clear that if Tessa didn’t want to go that was absolutely fine, Tessa had still felt she had to agree. They’d always had dinner with Jonathan’s parents on their anniversary because it was the day they had got married too. Jordan had thought she was so weird for suggesting that date, but it had seemed like a good omen to Tessa. Marian and Frank’s marriage was such a long and happy one. And Marian had been so touched when she’d nervously asked if sharing the date would be okay with her.

As she drives to St. Peter’s cemetery, Nathan humming Old MacDonald to himself in the backseat, she tries to think of the last time she’d been to the grave. Not since she’d started things with Scott, she felt like she couldn’t go after that, but she’s not sure when she’d last gone before that either. She’s never liked going, it doesn’t feel like he’s there. She shouldn’t have to visit a marble slab. She should be able to turn over in the morning and find him waiting for her sleepy smile with his wide awake one. She should be waiting to see him again after work in the evening, not waiting to see him sometime, maybe. If they even end up in the same place. If that’s even a thing that happens.

She wants it be to though. The thought of him being gone into some nothingness is too cruel, surely there is a place where he’s safe and warm. He always felt the cold so much, that’s what she’d told the police when they came to the door. All she could see was him alone in the cold on that icy November morning. No one with him at the end.

So the least she can do is be here today. She reminds Nathan as she lifts him out of the car that they’re here to remember Dada, she doesn’t say they’re visiting him because that will only confuse her son. It’s not true anyway. He’s not here. Not really.

Marian and Frank are already at the grave when they make their way over, and they hug her tightly, wordlessly. Jonathan is buried beside his grandparents and Tessa had actually been here for his grandfather’s burial. They’d only been dating a few weeks, she’s not sure they were even official, and it had been a sudden death. Or at least it had seemed so back then, nothing could ever be as sudden as Jonathan’s own passing. His grandpa died of a heart attack and Tessa hadn’t really known if Jonathan would want her there, if it was really her place to go. But it had seemed like the right thing, and back then she was good at doing that. He’d been so grateful to see her at the funeral, his hands shaking when they held hers, his body shivering in the chilly churchyard. He’d asked her to ride with him for the twenty minute drive to the cemetery and she’d of course agreed, although she’d been so nervous about what to say to him. She hadn’t needed to say anything though, he’d just rested his head on her shoulder, his larger frame for once nestling into her rather than the other way around. It had been the first time she’d seen him cry.

She’s the one crying now, with Marian and Frank on either side of her, sheltering her and Nathan. Frank keeps a strong arm at her back while Marian strokes her hair. Nathan burrows into her and she’s surrounded by so much love, all the wonderful, irreplaceable people Jonathan brought into her life. Why can’t he be here too? It’s all so fucking unfair.

The Bradys pray, or she thinks that’s what they’re doing anyway, and Tessa keeps her head down close to Nathan’s, breathing in the scent of his baby shampoo.

Marian rubs her back. “Will we take Nathan to our house and get started on dinner? You can have some time alone with him, if you like.”

She isn’t sure that she wants to be alone with Jonathan here, almost says no straight away, but maybe it would be good for her. Maybe she should try and talk to him.

“Thank you.” She kisses Nathan’s head. “Will you go with Grammy and Grandpa? I’ll be there soon.”

He goes over to Marian with no fuss, settling into her side. She kisses Tessa on the cheek and Frank gives her a huge hug before they leave.

She doesn’t know what do at first, walks forward a little to be closer to the headstone. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here recently,” she whispers. It feels odd standing up and talking down to him so she kneels at first, but that doesn’t feel right either so she turns around, keeping her back to the gravestone and lying her legs out in front of her. She picks off the blades of grass that have stuck to her knees. It’s so hot today and her dress is clinging to her back, but maybe some of the sweat is from how nervous and uncomfortable she feels. She leans her head back, resting it against the cool marble. This is as close as she’ll get to being held by him again. When she’d been really upset he used to bundle her into his arms, him sitting down and her curled up in his lap, his arms secure around her like he could protect her from anything.

She’s wanted to feel that so many times these past few months, even more so over the past few weeks, as selfish as that is. Does he know, wherever he is? Does she even need to tell him?

She tries to talk to him again. “I don’t know if you can see what’s happening here. I… I don’t know if I want you to.” She rubs at her knee, at the stubborn little green flecks that refuse to leave. “I hope you can see Nathan. I hate the idea of you not being able to watch him grow up. He’s getting so big now, and he has all these new words and things that he can do by himself…” She’s tempted to just talk about their son, to pretend that everything is fine other than the fact that he’s dead and she feels it in all the parts of her that ache every day. But that’s not what she needs to say to him.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” She’s crying again and she tries to pull herself together, but then gives up. If he’s listening he knows what she’s trying to say. “I… I was so alone and I wanted to feel _something,_ and then once it started…” she gulps for air, “I didn’t want to stop. Or I did, sometimes, but not enough to do anything about it. And now…” She composes herself a little, needs to get these words out right. “I’m pregnant.”

She never got the chance to tell him that. They’d been told together, at the clinic, and it had been wonderful, holding on so tightly together that she didn’t even know whose heart she could hear racing or whether the tears on her face were his or her own. But she’d always dreamed of telling him herself, had planned out ways of doing it - simple ones with just words or a test, or more extravagant ones like t-shirts or a literal bun in the oven. But this baby isn’t his.

“I never wanted to have a baby with anyone but you. You were… you were the only one I ever pictured doing this with. But…” Her hands want to touch her stomach, want to protect the tiny precious thing growing inside. “I love this baby. I can’t not love this baby.”

What else should she tell him? “The dad will help. He’s… You’d…” She laughs, bitter and sudden. What was she going to say? ‘You’d really like him?’ Oh yeah, she’s sure Jonathan would have loved the guy who’s fucking his wife. But in a vacuum, in some world where they were all here and none of the awful things had happened, she thinks that he really would like Scott. She doesn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t, not once they got to know him. “He’s good. He’s a good guy.”

She rubs at her eyes, sore from crying and gritty with her make-up. Why had she even bothered to wear any? “I don’t know how to tell people. They’re going to think I don’t love you and _I do_ , I love you so much.” Tessa draws her knees up to her chest. “I love you the way I loved you the first time I told you,” her hands had been shaking, “and when you asked me to marry you,” his hands had been shaking, “and our wedding day nine years ago,” their hands held each others, “and when Nathan was born and it was the best day of my life.” She’s been so happy, so incredibly, incandescently, out of this world happy. “I don’t think I could ever stop loving you.”

Feelings aren’t something that can be just turned off, no matter how much they hurt. She got to love him, and now she must miss him. Each emotion as strong as the other. Is it so wrong to hope that the missing might ease off and she’ll be left with more of the love?

“If you were here we’d be going in the door to your parents’ house and you’d be whispering in my ear about where you were going to take me afterwards.” Last year he’d taken her to a fancy hotel in Toronto and she'd scolded him for spending all that money on one night. He told her he wanted to spoil her, had brought up the idea of buying her a fancy ring again. She twists the one on her finger, the one she's never wanted to change. It was hers.

They'd gone back to his parents to pick Nathan up the next day (she remembers being a little irritated Jonathan had asked them to watch him on what was their anniversary too), but this year it will be just her and Nathan making their way home together.

“I miss you so much, Jonathan… even if some days it doesn’t seem that way.” He has to know how much she does. How there are still days that feel impossible to get through, that for all her good days there are just as many where she only wants him. “Remember when you said that being in the States without me was the hardest thing?” She lets out a watery laugh. “This is harder.” Another laugh, but this one surprises her. “And I know what you’re thinking. That I just can’t stop being competitive.” In college, he refused to play any game against her. No darts, no beer pong, no trivia nights, no Mario Kart. “But I think you’d agree. This sucks so much more.”

A gust of wind sweeps through, cooling her skin and bringing a few flower petals from a nearby tree into her lap. She can’t quite manage a smile but when she closes her eyes, she feels a little calmer now, safe enough to drive. She doesn't want to say goodbye so she tells him she loves him again and gets up and goes.

—

Scott asks the girls over dinner if they’d like Tessa and Nathan to visit the day before they come over. It only strikes him after the words come out of his mouth that they might say no, and where would that leave his plan for all the kids to get to know each other a little better?

But Mollie is excited to see them again and Becca seems pretty happy about the idea too, asking a couple of questions about how old Nathan is and what toys he might like. She sticks around when Mollie goes out to the garden after dinner, drying the dishes for him after he washes. She’s left standing with nothing to do for a while after he gets through the glasses because the lasagne is proving very difficult to clean away properly. He should have got someone in to see about the dishwasher rather than trying to fix it himself, that had been a waste of an hour he could have used for better things.

“Becca, I really appreciate you helping out, but you can go out and play or have some reading time. I can handle the rest of it.” Even if his fingers end up all red and dry.

She smiles up at him. One of her bottom teeth are loose and it’s funny to see it wiggle a little as she pushes her tongue against it. “It’s okay. It’s kind of hot outside and I’m not ready for a new book yet.”

“Not ready for a new book?!” He reaches his hand out to her forehead and Becca frowns when she feels the suds but then starts to giggle. “You sure you’re feeling okay?”

She nods definitively. “I just loved _A Wrinkle In Time_ so much, I want to have it in my head a little bit longer.” Scott wonders when she’ll request to watch the movie. He makes a mental note to see if he can pick it up at the store this week.

He takes the dishcloth from her hand and rubs off the suds. “That’s great, Becca. I hope you like your next book just as much.”

“Does Nathan like to read?” She frowns. “Does he like books I mean? He can’t read yet.”

“I know he likes books about farms.” Scott grins when he finally gets the last stubborn tomato stain off the plate.

Becca’s head is bobbing when he glances at her, index finger tapping at her chin. She’s concentrating just as hard as she does when she’s reading. “We still have some baby books in our room. Maybe he’d like some of those.”

God, he loves this kid so much that it really does hurt a little, makes his heart constrict when he thinks of how kind she is. “That’s an awesome idea. It’s so sweet of you to think of that.”

She looks thoughtful as she carefully dries the plate. “You met Tessa at your group?” He nods. “So someone she loved died?”

“Yes, her husband.”

Becca bites her lip. “Was he sick like Mommy?”

“No, baby. He died in a car accident.” It feels… odd, maybe, to talk about Jonathan with his daughter.

Becca frowns, looking up at him with big eyes. “So she didn’t know it was going to happen.”

“No, she didn't.” He’s seen people’s lives turned upside down so many times through his work, but he’s never gotten used to the shock on people’s faces, how their reactions vary from so quiet and numb to so loud that it still rings in his ears hours later.

“That’s sad.” When she blinks, Scott thinks there are tears in her eyes. “They must really miss him.”

“Yeah. They do.” He keeps scrubbing at the plate in his hands, making sure he’s tuned in to his daughter. She’s definitely the more emotional of the two but he knows that sometimes she needs to reach out first. She is so like Sarah that way…

“Some days…” Becca sounds nervous, her hand coming to fist in the bottom of his shirt, “some days I miss Mommy more than others.”

He puts the dish down and pulls her in. “That’s okay, Becca. Some days are harder than others, and some days it doesn’t hurt so much. And both of those things are okay.” He kisses the top of her head. “Mommy knows you love her.”

They stand like that for a little while until Becca says, “The water is going to get cold!”

“That’s okay. Hugging you is more important.” She clings on a little tighter.

They wait a little longer before getting back to work.

Scott is a little nervous the following afternoon. He's not entirely sure why, all their previous meetings with each other's kids have gone well. But it's all a lot more serious now.

Tessa rings the bell exactly when she said she'd arrive and he goes out to welcome her and Nathan, surprised that Mollie isn't hot on his heels.

She's dressed in a skirt and cardigan and holding Nathan and a tin in one hand and her travel mug in the other. Nathan starts waving just as Tessa says, “Hi Scott. We made chocolate chip cookies.”

He fights every instinct telling him to press a kiss to Tessa’s cheek. “Hi Nathan, hi Nathan's mama.” He takes the tin from her hands, “I must be moving up in the world if I'm getting something fancier than Tupperware.”

“That's for the girls,” she says, a hint of nerves behind her smile. She turns her head to Nathan, “We’re going to see Mollie from soccer practice and CJ’s party again, and meet her sister, Becca.”

As if summoned, Mollie comes down the hallway, accompanied by Marner. Becca is right behind them, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I tried to get him to go outside.”

Scott had been worried about how Nathan would feel about his overactive dog, but the little boy seems more intrigued than nervous, and Tessa is perfectly calm. “Hello girls, it's really good to see you again.”

Both girls wave at her, Mollie inching closer. “Hi Nathan! This is our dog, Marner! Do you wanna play with him?”

“Nathan mightn't be used to dogs, Mol,” Scott reminds her. He looks to Tessa, “You’re okay with having him in the house?”

“Sure.” She smiles at Mollie, “It might just take Nathan a little while to get familiar with Marner before he decides if he wants to play with him. He's only been around smaller dogs before.”

“Tessa made cookies,” Scott says, shaking the tin a little. “How about you take her into the living room while I put some of these on a plate?”

He’s going to use one of the good plates, but then thinks about the fact that three kids might be passing it around with a dog bouncing up and down and everywhere and decides it’s safer to go for one of the plastic trays Sarah had bought for the girls’ snacks.

When he goes back in Marner is sitting with his head on Tessa’s lap, right beside Nathan, and Tessa is patting him softly. Mollie is on the other side of Tessa, tracing the pattern on her skirt, while Becca looks on silently from the chair by the fireplace. “You’re such a good boy, aren’t you, Marner?” Scott doesn’t know if he’s seen his dog so quiet and gentle before, he’s always been good with the girls, that’s why he’d been the one they settled on at the rescue shelter, but this is new. He’s not even making a sound, just looking up at Tessa and Nathan. “Do you want to give it a go, Nathan? It’s okay if you don’t.” Nathan nods in response to her question. “Give him a nice soft touch.”

Nathan puts his hand out and then places it on top of Marner’s head, moving around ever so slightly. He giggles. “Fluffy!”

Tessa’s smile is so soft and warm. “He is fluffy, you’re right! You are doing such a good job petting him.”

“Good dog,” Nathan says.

“He is,” Scott agrees. “A very good dog. Who wants some cookies?”

All the kids’ faces turn to him with bright eyes.

Tessa looks around her. “Oh, I left my bag with the wipes in the car. Where is your bathroom?”

“I can take Nathan to wash his hands,” Becca offers. She seems excited to help out.

“Thank you, Becca, that’s very kind of you.” Tessa hugs Nathan, “Would you like to go wash your hands with Becca? I’ll stay right here.”

Nathan nods and takes Becca’s hand. Mollies gets up off the couch as well. “I can help too!” Scott doesn’t miss her muttering about how they never usually have to wash their hands after petting Marner as she walks down the hall though.

He takes one of the cookies for himself before they all disappear. “These are great. Send my compliments to your supplier.” He offers her the plate.

She rolls her eyes at him. “I’ll tell her later on in the mirror. And no thanks, I’m not really up for chocolate right now sadly.”

“Is it getting any worse?” He’d hoped that her sickness might have lifted. Maybe he should have gotten an extra bag of those ginger candies for his house too.

“No, just the usual amount of yuckiness.” She grimaces a little.

Tessa looks amazing for someone who’s feeling unwell, and for a second he thinks about telling her that. But maybe he shouldn’t say that to her while their kids are in the next room. “I’m sorry,” he says, knowing what a weak, lame response this is.

“It’s okay,” Tessa says slowly and clearly, like she wants him to really accept this. “It’s all part of it, like you said.”

Nathan comes rushing in, excitedly murmuring something Scott can’t figure out until he’s closer. “Fish soap!”

Tessa repeats the phrase, sounding a little confused. “Our soap is shaped like a fish!” Mollie explains before he can get a chance.

“All clean!” Nathan says, holding out his hands palms forward to Tessa, who kisses them one after the other.

“So clean and fresh!” she exclaims, helping him up onto the couch.

Nathan sits beside her rather than on her lap now, although still wedged in tight against her side. Mollie and Becca sit down beside him, Becca maybe looking a little disappointed that Mollie gets there first. Scott gives them all a cookie, watching as Mollie dives in and starts eating right away while both Becca and Nathan take their time.

“This is so yummy!” Mollie says, mouth full of crumbs.

“They’re delicious. What kind of chocolate chips did you use?” Becca asks in a very serious voice, clearly holding a grown-up conversation.

He likes how Tessa answers her just as seriously, doesn’t pass him any ‘isn’t she cute?’ looks, but just engages fully with Becca, going through her recipe and offering to write it down for her.

Afterwards Becca tries to clean the crumbs off Mollie’s chin but Mollie shrugs her away and immediately starts to distract from the situation. “Do you wanna play, Nathan? We have fun toys!”

“I found some books he might like from when we were little, Tessa,” Becca adds. “I brought them down.” She goes over to the little table by the door and brings the books over.

“You girls are so kind. Thank you so much for thinking about Nathan.” She looks down at him. “That sounds fun, doesn’t it? Would you like a story or to play first?” Nathan doesn’t give an answer, but he looks pretty content where he is. “Maybe a story first. Becca, would you like to read for us?”

Becca beams. “Would you like _The Hungry Caterpillar_ , Nathan?” She shows him the board book and he runs his hand over the front cover and nods, smiling.

“We like that one, don’t we?” Tessa encourages him.

“So much food!” he says, with an inflection that could only have been picked up from Tessa.

“Yeah,” Scott laughs, “there is a whole lot of food in that story.” He remembers reading it to Becca over and over and over again when she was little. And now he gets to listen to her reading it aloud, voice sure and confident.

After Becca finishes, and flushes when Tessa thanks her, Mollie hops off the couch. “Now we should play! Do you like cars?”

Nathan nods before sliding off the couch and going over with Mollie to the toy box in the corner of the room. She pulls out some toy cars and trucks and they both sit down, Nathan trying out each one as she hand them to him.

“What books do you like to read now, Becca?” Tessa asks.

Becca smiles, clearly glad to be included now that the younger kids have gone to play with the little vehicles she’s never really had any time for. He listens to her talk while he watches Mollie and Nathan, feeling proud of how Mollie is letting Nathan choose which toys to play with, and doing her best to understand what he’s saying to her.

Everyone seems content and Scott thinks now might be the time to leave them alone together. He doesn’t want Tessa to feel like he’s watching her with his kids like an overprotective guard dog or something, and it’s probably for the best that they get to know each other a little better without him there. All their lives are entwined now, the branches of their family trees bending to meet one another.

He should also wash this plate and put away all the dishes that are still drying from breakfast and lunch in case Tessa comes into the kitchen. He doesn’t want her to think he has a messy house, she’d never let the baby stay here if she thought that.

The plate is washed but only half the dishes are tidied away when Tessa joins him in the kitchen. He frowns and her face switches from a smile to worry.

“Are you okay with me leaving them alone in the living room?” She looks back towards the room she just left, her hands fiddling with her rings. “We’ll be able to hear them from here but I understand if you’d prefer we have eyes on them.”

It’s strange and thrilling to hear their kids referred to as a unit. “Oh, that's fine, as long as you're okay with it.” He hadn't expected it though. Tessa doesn’t strike him as a helicopter mom, at least not now that he knows her better, but considering it’s Nathan’s first time here, he wouldn’t have been surprised if she had stuck close by.

“I think it's a good idea for them to just be kids together and not have us looking in all the time.” He nods. He definitely agrees with that. It makes him feel good too, that she trusts his girls enough to leave Nathan with them, and that Nathan feels comfortable enough with the girls already to venture away from his mom. Tessa joins him beside the sink, lifting up two mugs. “Where do these go?”

“I'm sorry it's such a mess,” he says, not bothering to answer her question. He doesn’t want her to feel like she has to help. “The dishwasher broke and it's hard to get everything cleared away straight after washing what with all the other things to do.” He’d been concentrating so hard on making sure the girls were ready for Tessa and Nathan coming over.

Tessa reaches for the dishcloth on his shoulder and wipes off some of the excess water from the mugs. “Scott, it’s not a mess. Everything is perfectly clean, it’s just a little cluttered. There’s always a million things to tidy after Nathan and I eat, and you have two kids, of course there’s going to be a lot of stuff to clear.” She starts opening up cupboards and he realizes that she’s going to help him regardless of what he says. Scott directs her to the right one. She smiles back at him before it shrinks. “Oh God, there’s going to be so much more to clean with…” She looks back to him and then down towards her stomach.

He laughs, though it’s a little choked. Babies have so much _stuff_. And will they need two of everything? It’s probably a really bad time to spiral with Tessa in his kitchen and their kids in his living room so he helps her put all the dishes away, showing her where everything goes and how he likes to stack them.

Tessa places a hand on her hip. “I can’t believe you put your glasses top down on the shelf! You can’t even fit more in that way!”

“Do you want me to change it?” he asks, mainly teasing.

She opens her mouth and closes it. “A little bit!” He laughs, properly this time. “I just think it would enhance your life.”

“Oh, my whole life?” She nods, the corners of her lips twitching like she’s trying not to laugh. “Well, if it’s going to be life-changing I guess I should go for it.”

“Seems to be how we’re approaching things,” Tessa says drily.

He snorts and then walks down the hall to check on the kids. Becca has joined the little ones on the floor and they’re all chatting in quiet voices. It’s so sweet to watch them all together, Marner lying down beside them, but he worries things won’t be so easy once they all know what is to come.

Scott tries to put a smile on when he goes back into the kitchen. “They all look happy, Marner is watching them for us.”

Tessa looks so soft at the mention of the dog. “He’s a sweetheart.”

“Yeah. He was great with the girls from the very first time we met him.” That day he’d seen the biggest smile Becca had given anyone in months, right after Marner cuddled in close to her.

“I didn’t know if Nathan would take to him so quickly, the only dogs he’s really spent much time with are my brothers’, and they’re both small - one’s a King Charles and the other is a Bichon Frise.”  

“Are you close with your brothers?” She never talks about them as much as Jordan, he knows they’re both living away from London.

She considers the question before she answers, fingers drumming on her hip. “More now than when I was younger. When we were little it was always the two of them, and then Jordan and me. I think…”

They’re both distracted by this very loud laugh which, as it doesn’t sound like either of his girls’, must be coming from Nathan, followed by a very Becca-like shriek. And then there’s the very familiar sound of Marner making his way down the hall with footsteps following him.

What isn’t familiar is the sight of his dog coming into the kitchen with Nathan sitting on his back, his arms hugging Marner tight, and Mollie walking alongside them with her arms outstretched like some sort of bodyguard. Becca scurries in behind them, deep frown on her face. If Nathan wasn’t laughing Scott would be completely horrified, he’s still pretty stressed by the whole thing.

“Is he okay?” Tessa asks loudly, kneeling down and lifting Nathan into her arms. Scott doesn’t think it’s the right time to say Nathan seems to have really enjoyed himself but he also really doesn’t want Tessa to have any reason to dislike the dog or the girls (though this has Mollie written all over it). She rubs Marner’s back then his head, cradling his chin when he turns to look at her. “He’s not that big a dog, I hope Nathan wasn’t too heavy.”

 _Oh_ , she was worried about Marner. Tessa always comes through with the element of surprise.

Tessa kisses Nathan on the forehead. “We have to be careful with animals, love. They’re not able to use words to tell us they don’t feel safe or that they’re hurting.”

“And we have to be careful with little kids too,” Scott says meaningfully, looking at Mollie.

Becca nods, a little desperately. “That’s what I said!”

Mollie folds her arms over her chest. “You said I was getting too big to do that. But Nathan is smaller than me so he should be allowed.”

Damn. He can’t quite argue that logic.

“Marnah!” Nathan says, putting his arms around the dog’s neck and hugging him again. It’s ridiculously cute.

Tessa rubs her son’s back. “Thank you both for taking care of Nathan. Did you have a good time playing with Marner, baby?”

“Good dog,” he says again.

“Yes, he is,” Tessa agrees, “and we have to be kind to him.” Her eyebrows raise as if to emphasize her point and Nathan nods along.

Scott doesn’t know what he should add. He’d never expected to see Tessa sitting on his kitchen floor with her son in her arms petting his dog. He’d never expected any of this. But he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that there was a part of him that was enjoying it all, even with the complications and hard discussions that are to come.

—

“One more story, Mama?” Nathan pleads, tugging at her sleeve a little.

Ashley won’t be here for another while and Tessa wants to maximise her time alone with her son before all the change that’s going to be coming into their lives.

“Sure. Which one would you like?”

He presents her with the one about the little red tractor and she rests back against the soft headboard, Nathan snuggling into her side. He’s falling asleep long before the last page but manages to make it clear that he wants her to finish the story by murmuring “Mama!” when she tries to close the book.

He stirs a little when she does end the story and gets up, but settles back down as soon as she tucks his blankets around him and kisses him. “I love you so much,” she whispers.

Tessa is just coming down the stairs when Ashley texts her to let her know that she’s outside. She must be adjusting to having a friend with a kid very quickly if she didn’t go straight up and ring the bell.

She’s proffering two bottles of wine when Tessa opens the door. “White or rosé?”

Tessa really could do with a drink, but that’s definitely not an option. “I’m not drinking but you definitely should. I’ll put those in the fridge for you. Come on in.”

“Is this a health thing?” Ashley stops in the middle of the hall. “It’s not to do with the accident is it? We had wine the last time, right?”

She sounds worried that she might have offended her, making Tessa quick to set her at ease. “No, nothing to do with the accident.”

Tessa reaches for a wine glass as soon as they’re in the kitchen and Ashley pours herself a glass of the pinot grigio. There’s still some ginger and apple smoothie left over from what she’d prepared at lunch so Tessa uses up the last of it.

“Oh, definitely a health kick.” Ashley squishes up her face at the smell. “How much ginger did you put in that?”

“Just the right amount.” Tessa could open up a ginger stall with the volume of the stuff she has in her cupboards.

They sit down in the living room after Tessa pours them a bowl of popcorn. She’s tries to get comfortable on the couch as Ashley eats. “This is just like high school,” she says. Tessa smiles, fidgeting with her hands. She feels kind of bad now for inviting Ashley over not just as friends, but to ask her legal advice. “So, I’m guessing you don’t just want me around for a social call,” Ashley laughs.

Tessa frowns. “I’m sorry.” She can’t stop moving her hands, maybe she’s picked it up from Scott.

“It’s okay, I’m more than happy to help. I’m just trying to figure out why you need someone who specialises in family law.” Ashley taps her fingers gently up her wine glass. “Do the Bradys want a formal visitation agreement for time with Nathan?”

“What? Is that a thing?” A little panic escapes into her voice.

“They could seek one,” Ashley informs her after a sip of wine. “I think it would be more likely in a case where there was tension or the child and mom were moving away, and neither of those things are happening here, right?”

There isn’t any tension now, but Tessa doesn’t know what will happen once she tells them about the baby. “It’s not… it’s not to do with that. Yet anyway.”

“Okay.” Ashley picks up a cushion and puts in her lap. “You can take your time, Tess. There’s no rush.”

Tessa rubs her hand down her leg. “Do you remember when you were here last time and I was texting someone?” Ashley nods. “I wasn’t exactly truthful with you. I was sleeping with him, I had been for months.”

Ashley doesn’t look surprised at all. “You seemed to really like him, just from what I could see.” Ashley gives her a gentle, encouraging smile. Tessa isn’t sure if it makes her feel worse or better.

“Yeah, I did. I do.” She might like him even more now. “I met him at my bereavement support group, his name is Scott. He lost his wife around the same time I lost Jonathan.” She wonders if Ashley has figured out what’s coming next. “I’m… I’m pregnant.” Her words catch a little in her throat as her eyes start to glisten.

Ashley reaches out and squeezes her hand. “And how do you feel about that?”

Tessa laughs a little. “Confused, a lot of the time. I… you know we had such a hard time before.” She’d confessed it all to Ashley one Christmas when she was home visiting, and she’s posted about it online after Nathan finally came along. “I think once Jonathan died… Either I never thought this would happen again or I just wasn’t ready to ever consider it. And it’s messy and complicated, but… I want this baby. I want this baby so badly.”

“Okay.” Ashley moves a little closer, speaking softly. “And what about the dad, Scott, how does he feel? Are you unsure about telling him?”

She shakes her head. “I’ve told him. He’s… he’s been great.” A godsend, really. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he ran for the hills, not that he ever once made her think that he would.

Ashley relaxes her shoulders. “That’s good, Tess. That’s really good.”

“I just… It’s early, I’m only nine weeks along, but I want to have some sort of plan. He has kids too, two little girls, and we need to figure out a way to make this situation work for the kids we already have as well as this baby. I want him to be as involved as possible. He’s… he’s an amazing dad.” She thinks of how he is with Becca and Mollie, the way his face lights up when he talks about them. The thought of him being like that with a child of theirs is overwhelming. “I want my baby to be able to see as much of their dad as they can.” She takes a shallow breath, “I want to be able to give that to one of my kids.”

She starts crying then and Ashley hugs her tight. “I can help in any way I can. The two of you are going to figure this out and make the best of it for everyone. Do you want me to help the two of you come up with some ideas for a custody arrangement?”

She nods against the crook of Ashley’s neck. “Yeah. I thought maybe he should have his own lawyer too? So that he has someone there just for him. To help with the legal stuff.” Ashley uses her sleeves to wipe Tessa’s cheeks. “I don’t want it to be a fight or anything, I don’t want that at all.”

“I know. You just want to do the right thing.”

“It’s so hard to know what that is.” What if the right thing for this baby is the wrong one for Nathan and the girls? How are they meant to balance all of this?

“If you get me Scott’s details, or his lawyer’s, I can see about setting up a meeting to talk things through.” When Tessa sits back up, Ashley is wearing the same easy smile, looking at her with the same judgement free eyes. Tessa is _so_ glad that her best friend is back. “Is he okay with starting this now?”

Tessa thinks back on when they’d discussed it. “I’m not sure if he thinks we need to have lawyers, or plan it so carefully right now, but he knows it will make me feel better.”

Ashley smiles. “He sounds like a good guy.”I

“He is.” He’s so _good_. “If I had to get pregnant like this I really couldn’t have picked anyone better.”  She tries to make a joke of it, but it’s true. No one could be more supportive than Scott has been, more willing and ready to be involved.

“And are you two still…” Ashley raises her eyebrows meaningfully. She must still be in professional mode if she isn’t coming right out and saying it.

“No. We thought it was better to focus on what we need to do for the baby, not… confuse things further. But we’re talking all the time so I don’t have to miss him that way.” From the look on Ashley’s face she thinks that was more revealing than she maybe anticipated. She doesn’t want to dwell on the fact that she needs him in her life as her friend more than she ever needed him when it was just physical. The sex she could have done without, talking to him now she’s not so sure.

Tessa hears the door opening and soon Jordan’s voice is coming down the hall. “I thought I’d come see how you were doing… Oh, hi! I completely forgot you were having Ashley over.” There’s no hiding Jordan’s smirk.

Ashley actually blushes. “Hi Jordan. It’s been a while.”

Jordan perches on the armrest of the couch, and Tessa could swear she hitches her skirt up rather than pulling it down. “How are you enjoying life back in London?”

Ashley leans forward and licks her lips. “It’s been good. Nice to be able to spend more time with Tess again. You moved back recently too?”

“Yeah, just before Christmas. I like being closer to family.” Tessa has to stop herself from snorting. Jordan makes it seem like there were no external factors involved in her move back.

The conversation it totally inane, but the way they’re looking at each other is not. Tessa feels kind of uncomfortable sitting in between them. She raises her hand so she can cut them off before they start talking about the weather and make it sexual. “I told Ashley about the baby. She’s going to help us figure out some preliminary ideas about how to organise custody.”

“That’s great.” Jordan crosses her legs, pushing her skirt up even higher. “So kind of you, Ashley.”

Now Ashley is the one smirking. “I always try to help my friends.”

What the fuck?! Tessa is happy to get onboard with the idea of her friend and her sister hooking up if it’s what they both want, they definitely both deserve all the happiness in the world, but not in front of her on her living room couch while her son sleeps upstairs! “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” she announces.

Jordan just slides down to where Tessa had been sitting, doesn’t even ask if it’s her morning sickness! Neither one of them even spare a glance at her!

They’re just staring at one another as Tessa walks out to the hall. “Actually, maybe I’ll go see Scott,” she calls. No response. “We’ll drive to Vegas and get married.” Still none. “And then have thirteen more babies.”

“That’s nice, Tess,” her sister says.

“Good for you!” Ashley chimes in.

Fuck them.

She doesn’t even need to go to the bathroom so she just wanders into the kitchen. For once she’s feeling a little peckish so she grabs some crackers and the mild cheese Nathan likes and starts to eat. Ashley and Jordan are probably too busy to want to share her snacks.

Tessa gets out her phone and smiles when she sees a text from Scott asking how telling Ashley went. She calls him up without putting much thought into it, and he answers before she can overthink things.

“Hey Tess, how did it go?”

“It was good! She said she’d be happy to help and that if I give her you or your lawyer’s details she’ll set up a meeting.” She hates how this sounds like a business meeting, and not them talking about their plans for their baby. “That’s if she ever stops flirting with my sister.”

Scott laughs. “I hope they at least waited until after you finished telling Ashley everything.”

“That probably only happened because Jordan came after I was done, she wouldn’t have been listening otherwise.”

He laughs again and she knows exactly the way his eyes are crinkling (it’s different depending on the laugh). “You found it helpful though? Telling her and thinking about starting to make a plan?”

“Yes, I did.” She shifts in her seat. “Are you still okay with that?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re on the same page, we just want a clearer picture,” he pauses, the next word coming out a little unsure, “right?”

“Exactly.”

“I am a little nervous about it,” he admits. “We have to get it right.”

“I know what you mean. We still have a lot of time though.” Her hand goes to her stomach. “I get anxious that maybe I’m tempting fate trying to organise this,” her voice drops, “that maybe there won’t be something to plan for.”

“Tess,” he says, voice so caring and comforting, “I know we can’t know for sure but… We shouldn’t worry until we have to worry. You’re pregnant and we need to be ready for this baby. You’re doing nothing wrong in trying to prepare.”

“Thank you.” She wishes he was here with her. “Tell me about your day.”

It’s not the same as having him here, but it’s better than nothing. They talk for another fifteen minutes before he has to go to work. “Maybe we can meet on Friday before group?” he asks. “To go over things again?”

“Sure, that sounds like a good idea.” More planning is good for the baby, and for everyone else.

“Okay, great. I’ll see you then, Tess.”

She smiles to herself as she eats the rest of her crackers and cheese. It’s been a good evening.

—

His mom marches up to where he stands at the coolers, a huge bowl of fruit salad in her hands, Becca hot on her heels with a bowl of what he hopes is his mom’s famous potato salad. “So who all is coming, Scotty?” Alma asks. “Go on and put that bowl down by Grandpa, sweetie.” Becca nods and keeps going to where his dad is turning hot dogs on the grill. “Are Tessa and her little one coming?”

Scott twists the cap off his beer. “Nope,” he says, exaggerating the popping noise of the P. He had invited her, thought it would be another way to bring the kids together, and at least this one seemed more natural than just deciding to hang out. He went in with the expectation of her saying no and was completely at ease when she proved him right. He knows that Sundays are her days with her in-laws. He also knows she’s worried she doesn’t have too many of those left. “She had church a-”

“Church,” his mom parrots. “I don’t understand how you manage to corrupt these nice religious girls.” Her free hand finds purchase on her hip as she shakes her head. “I’ve seen what you’re working with, Scotty, and it’s not that impressive.”

The tips of his ears start burning. He knows there’s a lot more to his sexual prowess than the size of his penis, but he also knows that he’s a bit bigger than average. “Ma,” he groans. “I haven’t had any complaints so far.” In fact, he’s gotten compliments. He’s just not sure that’s something he should be saying to his mom. His mom rolls her eyes and Scott cannot believe that this is happening to him, on his birthday no less. “It’s true! You should be proud of me! I think?” This is a conversation he’s not sure he ever thought would happen.

She tilts her chin to the cooler. He digs around for his mom’s favorite beer as she says, “You’ve got nothing on your father.”

“ _Mom!”_

A hand claps onto his shoulder when he stands up. “Jealous, son?” his dad asks with grin and Scott just squeezes his eyes shut, letting his head fall back. The sun shines brighter on his face and he just knows, even with his fractured faith, this is Sarah’s doing.

“I just don’t understand it,” Alma says again, taking the beer from Scott’s hand. “Are you meant to be bringing about baby Jesus again?” She takes a swig as his dad chuckles beside him. “This baby an immaculate conception?”

Scott’s pretty sure Sarah had told him once the immaculate conception was about Mary and _not_ Jesus, but the details are kind of fuzzy now. He also knows there was nothing immaculate about this conception. All the come everywhere… He clears his throat and takes a long drag from his beer. He slaps a hand against his thigh. “I’m done with this,” he says with a shake of his head. “It is my _birthday_ and I do not deserve this.”

“Oh, Scotty,” his mom laughs but he’s already headed out towards where Anne is walking up, Sammy and Laurel running over to the bounce house with the rest of the kids.

“Thank god you’re here,” he groans. “My family is killing me.”

Anne rolls her eyes. “Stop being a baby. You’re a man in your thirties.” She pushes a box, wrapped in glossy pink paper and topped with a green bow, against his stomach. “It’s whiskey, you’re welcome.”

He slings an arm around her shoulders. “You didn’t have to bring me anything.”

She waves him off, a standard Anne reply, then moves so she can take a good look at him. Her eyes soften behind her dark glasses. “How’re you doing?”

If he’s honest, he thinks he misses Sarah a lot, probably the most he has since Mollie’s birthday. It was always hard getting Sarah out here with his family but his birthday was one day she always made the effort. Even last year, when she was…  He looks out over at the tree Sarah had sat underneath one year ago and his stomach churns, his eyes growing hot. She’d been so sick and he hadn’t wanted to do anything but she insisted that nothing change, not when everything was going to change soon enough. So there she had sat with an easy smile and a huge hat on her hairless head, wearing a dress that hung from her slight frame. The girls had loved it, playing with the extra fabric. At the end of the day, Becca had curled up in Sarah’s lap, all wrapped up in the dress.

And then that night, when they were back home…

“It’s hard,” he whispers even as he shrugs and shakes his head. “I didn’t think it would be.”

Anne pushes her bangs to the side then rests her hands in her slim hips. “Yeah, don’t you love it when grief comes and kicks you in the ass?”

A laugh puffs out of him. “It’s bullshit.”

“Daddy, you’re not supposed to say words like that.” Becca stands behind him, looking every little bit like Sarah with her disapproving frown and bright eyes. “They’re bad.” Anne snorts and Becca is quick to turn her disappointment to the older woman too. “Ms. Anne, you said a bad word too.”

Scott stifles a laugh when Anne stands up straight, hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans. “You are totally right, Rebecca. I’m sorry.”

Becca nods once, her frown replaced with a smile. “Thank you, Ms. Anne.” Blue eyes back to Scott, Becca sighs. “Daddy, it’s your birthday, so just this once, okay?”

He puts down his present then pulls Becca in for a bear hug. “Thanks, baby.” He pepper kisses to her head and her cheeks, not stopping until she starts giggling and trying to squirm away. A weight hits him from behind, little arms wrapping around his legs. He lets go of Becca to find Mollie pushing her way between his legs, a tiny chorus of ‘Me, too’ accompanying her climb into his arms. “Oh, man, what a lucky guy I am! All these birthday hugs and kisses!” Mollie throws her arms around Scott’s neck and now _she_ looks so much like Sarah, with her hair wild around her face and impish grin on her face.

It reminds him of the time he asked Sarah out. She’d been so rushed off her feet that she hadn’t had a chance to eat so he’d brought her something. She’d been telling him about this couple who’d just come in, the guy’s Prince Albert had got caught in the back of the girl’s throat. She couldn’t even get out two words at a time without laughing, eyes shining so brightly, and he’d wanted to kiss her right there and then in the little break room with the coffee stain on the wall.

Mollie laughs. “You get as many as you want!” She leaves a wet kiss against his cheek before she pulls back, very seriously. “Except for when it’s time for cake.” She nods once. “Then you have to wait. But you’ll wait with cake!”

“Uncle Danny is getting into the bounce house,” Becca exclaims and, rather than give him another kiss, Mollie’s head swerves so she can look over at where the brightly colored inflatable rests. In a shot, Becca is off and now Mollie can’t get away from Scott fast enough, climbing down and nearly tripping over her feet to catch up with her sister.

Anne takes his beer as he shakes his head fondly. Those girls of his… he grins and Anne’s eyebrows raise from behind her glasses as she takes a drink. “Am I gonna see you in there too, Moir?”

“Absolutely,” he says. “I’ve got tricks.”

She snorts so hard that it hurts Scott just to hear it. “Can’t wait to see you fuck something up.” She takes another drag from the beer Scott supposes is hers now before asking, “Anyone else from group coming?”

Even though she doesn’t say Tessa’s name, Scott knows that’s exactly who Anne is implying. She’s been suspicious ever since he and Tessa have become friendly in group but she’s stopped outright asking him what’s going on. A relief, or at least it had been. Scott clears his throat. “Just you,” he confirms. “But, uh, can I tell you something?”

Anne lets out a full body sigh. She shoves the beer back in his hands so she can start digging through her purse. “When did it happen? I have to check who won the bet.”

His eyebrows furrow. Did he miss something? “When did what happen?”

She looks at him like he’s stupid. “Aren’t you about to tell me you and Tessa are fucking?” Scott can feel his eyes bulge out of his head but Anne only waves him off before resuming her search in her bag. “Please, we all saw it. You two aren’t subtle. Too much eye-fucking, too many _please_ and _thank yous_ and _I totally agree with Tessa_!” Scott is sure his voice doesn’t actually sound like that, and they’d never eye-fucked at group. At least not on purpose. Anne pauses completely before conceding, “We were a little thrown when Tessa broke down a bit back but then you were _both_ gone the next week and too happy after that.” She wields her phone triumphantly. She taps at the screen. “Was that the first time it happened? I think Amanda actually had that we-“

“She’s pregnant.” He swallows hard. He thought he’d feel lighter telling someone else but he still just feels nervous.

Anne’s face screws up. “Amanda’s pregnant?”

“Not Amanda,” he says quietly. “Tessa. Tessa is pregnant.”

He has never seen Anne this still. She doesn’t even blink, just stares back at him with her thumb frozen over the screen of her phone. For a moment, he worries she’s just had a stroke. He imagines having to take Sammy and Laurel in since he’ll have been responsible for killing the only mom they have left. God, how will he tell the girls they’ll be having to share him with _three_ new kids? Or, really, _four_? He can’t exclude Nathan…

Anne finally blinks, shaking her head slowly. “Pregnant? Because - because, you two…?” Scott nods and then so does Anne. “Holy fuck, Moir.”

“I know.”

Anne is still nodding as she puts her phone into her pocket. “Open your present. I want the rundown.” She hands her gift back to him and Scott can feel the bottle slosh. “First things first. How do we feel about this? What’s happening in regards to -“ she gestures vaguely to his stomach.

“She’s having the baby.” A smile twitches at his lips and it’s work to keep himself from grinning. “I know it’s stupid but…” He shrugs. “I always wanted more kids. So did she.”

Anne seems to have rebooted and she claps a hand on his shoulder. “Well alright, dad-to-be, take me back to the start.”

 

He sits on the back porch with a half eaten slice of cake next to him. It’s a nice night out and the bugs are thankfully keeping their distance, no doubt thanks to the citronella candle he has lit. The phone rings from where it’s perched on his knee. He thinks to hang up once it goes on too long. It’s not exactly late but he wouldn’t be surprised if Tessa were already asleep. He doesn’t want to wake her either.

“Hey.” Her voice is soft, a little sleepy, and the guilt settles in immediately.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

There’s a rustling on her end. “No, not at all. I’ve just finally found a comfy position and my stomach has been mercifully settled for the past -“ there’s a pause as she likely checks the time - “five hours!”

He laughs, light and joyous. “That’s a new record isn’t it?”

“Yes,” she says, a content sigh escaping her then. “How was your birthday?”

“Where do I start?” Scott sighs. He scratches at the back of his neck, hissing a little when he catches the small sunburn he acquired. In his diligence to make sure the girls were covered head to toe every four hours, he’d neglected the back of his own neck. He tries not to linger on it too much. He knows, really, that one sunburn won’t lead to much, but after Sarah it’s hard not to immediately think the worst. “Cake was great. I managed to snag you and Nathan a piece.” Maybe that was a bit presumptuous. He knows her morning sickness has been crazy. Plus, she limits sweets for Nathan. “If you want it anyway. Sorry, I didn’t mean to -“

“Stop being so silly,” Tessa says. “Thank you for thinking of us.” How can he tell her that he so rarely _doesn’t_ think about them anymore? It had been bad before the baby, but now? Tessa and Nathan enter his mind almost as often as the girls do. “What kind is it?”

“ _Homemade_ yellow cake with chocolate buttercream,” he teases, laughing when Tessa scoffs.

“I can make that too you know.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Tessa hums. “I’m starting to think this is just a ruse to get sweets out of me.” He can picture a coy smile on her face and he wishes that he were next to her, laughing about this together with his hands on her. “Was cake the highlight?” She sounds a little worried.

“No, the whole day was really nice. Well, except for my parents teasing me.” He explains the exchange with no lack of blushing on his part. It’s inappropriate, maybe, to bring up, especially since they’re firmly in the friend camp at the moment, but this is something he’d share with his friends.

Except Anne. Anne would roast the hell out of him. And he’d given her a lot of information today anyway.

Tessa sort of squeaks when he finishes. “Smallest?”

Scott sighs. “Yep.” He’d asked Danny and Charlie too, not wanting to take his mom’s word for it. He should’ve known better and waited until after his birthday to get kicked while he was down.

“Well,” Tessa says. She sounds a little breathy but that has to be his mind playing tricks on him. “Thank god for that.”

There’s no way to prompt for more without sounding like a douche but - “Really?”

“Any bigger and we would’ve had some problems.” Tessa licks her lips, he thinks, and Scott clears his throat as he brings his feet onto the step below him. That proves to put too much pressure on his lap so he stretches out again when Tessa says, “You know how much I liked it, Scott.”

He can’t stop grinning. “I know, it’s nice to have the confirmation though.”

Tessa laughs. “Yeah, well, happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Marner trots out onto the porch behind him, sniffing at Scott’s abandoned cake before settling in on the other side once he gets sight of Scott’s glare. He digs his fingers into the fluff that is the dog as he takes a deep breath. “I also told Anne.” He had mentioned before that he might, wanting to make sure it was okay with Tessa before he said anything. He just needs someone other than his parents to know, someone who won’t just be disappointed in him. But worry creeps inside him anyway, scared that maybe Tessa will have changed her mind or that it will stress her out too much at the next meeting.

Tessa always seems to surprise him though. “Oh, that’s so great, Scott.” She sounds so genuine, so sure. “I’m assuming it went well?”

He nods even though she can’t see him. He scratches behind Marner’s ears. “Yeah, yeah. She wasn’t too shocked that we’ve been, er, that we had been sleeping with each other.” He may as well have told her that two plus two equalled four. “Group had a bet going. Even Amanda was in on it.”

“ _Amanda_?” Tessa sounds more awake than she has during this whole conversation. “I can’t believe this! We were so careful!”

The irony is not lost on him.

“I thought so too,” he agrees. “Would you believe _Boris_ won?”

“Oh my goodness,” Tessa rushes out. “She’s not going to tell them, is she? I know you said you trusted her, but this was before we knew about… honestly, I cannot believe they would do this!”

Scott can’t help but laugh at her indignance. “Says the woman who joined in on the bet about when Amanda would get a boyfriend.”

Tessa sputters before managing to get out, “That’s different!”

“Sure, sure,” he chuckles. “And no, Anne swore she wouldn’t tell. She’s leaving that up to us.”

The sigh of relief is loud in his ear. “That’s good.” The silence that floats between them seems charged. Maybe this is where the worry sets in for her. “She doesn’t think any different of us, kiddo.” The soft, questioning, “yeah?” that follows is enough to break his heart. “Yeah. Want to know a secret?”

Her voice drops into a whisper. “Yes.”

“Anne’s been seeing someone too,” he says, matching her tone. “She wouldn’t tell me who but she’s been seeing them almost as long as we saw each other.”

“I never would have guessed!” Tessa starts moving around and then lets out a little laugh. “I feel like I’m gossiping at a sleepover.” A joke about having a sleepover is on the tip of his tongue but he’s quick enough to bite down on it, his mind stopping his mouth before it can run away from him. He knows that they don’t need to complicate matters further by having sex again. They need their focus to be on the kids, all four of them now. Sex would just be a misuse of time… an absolutely wonderful and hot misuse of time. “Hey, Scott?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you,” Tessa sighs. “I hope that's okay to say. I don’t want to lead you on, but I do. Miss you, that is.”

Marner puts his head on Scott’s thigh, looking up at him as the dog’s tail kicks up wind behind them. He wonders if the dog is confused as to why he’s smiling so big. “I miss you too.” He lets out a soft breath. “Best birthday present,” he adds, grin growing when Tessa laughs.

He wonders what his birthday will look like next year. Hopefully the baby will be there, and Tessa and Nathan too of course. He wonders what he and Tessa will be to each other then, when things are more settled. He’s kind of got out of the habit of hoping since they found out Sarah had run out of treatment options, but maybe now he can begin again.

—

After Tessa parks her car she looks at the photos from the ultrasound that she’s keeping in her purse. She was going to keep them by her bed, but then she started worrying that her mom might find them if she went checking that she hasn’t turned her room into a shrine to Jonathan or something. It’s probably more likely that her mom will root through her purse at some point, but it seemed like a good idea. And this way she can take a look at them when she feels the need, like now before she goes up to this meeting with Scott, his lawyer, and Ashley.

She doesn’t feel as weird about it now, feeling more secure now they’ve had another scan at eleven weeks and confirmed that the baby is growing well. It’s a little disappointing that they won’t be able to see the baby again for another few weeks, won’t get to hear that amazing heartbeat again either, but that means the pregnancy is going well. They need to get serious about planning.

Ashley’s glass walled office is right beside the reception to her firm so Tessa doesn’t even have to ask for her, Ashley just waves her right in. “It’s very convenient for seeing when clients are here, not much room for hiding unless I close the curtains though,” she says when Tessa enters the room.

“It’s nice, you’ve made it your own.” There’s a photo of Ashley and her mom on a shelf with her law books, and a little rainbow flag in her cup filled with pens. Ashley has never been one to flaunt relationships in a professional setting but Tessa does look particularly hard at the other picture frames, making sure Jordan hasn’t popped up in any, even though only a week has passed. Thankfully, there’s just a lot of Ashley’s cat and, Tessa smiles, one from their senior year in high school.

“Feels more like home now.” Ashley sits on her desk and gestures for Tessa to sit down beside her. “Do you want to go over things before they get here?”

Tessa nods and joins her. “I don’t think we need to make any decisions today, just talk over what we want?”

“That sounds sensible to me.” Ashley squeezes her shoulder and then looks out into the reception area. “Oh, is that him?”

Tessa turns her head to see Scott and a shorter man beside him, both looking a little nervous. He’s in dress trousers and a shirt and he looks so good that it’s unfair. Avoiding thinking about the things they’ve promised not to do hasn’t been as difficult as she’d expected because she’s spent so much of the last few weeks feeling shitty, but right now all she can think about is undressing him. This is definitely not what should be on her mind right now, not at all. It is nicer than feeling nauseated all the time though.

“I can see how you got knocked up,” Ashley says, abandoning her professional voice and now firmly in friend territory.

“Ash! You’re… doing stuff with my sister.” Neither have told her exactly what is happening between them, but Jordan hadn’t text her once last Friday and she’d been in a suspiciously excellent mood when she’d come over for pizza with Tessa and Nathan on Saturday.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t look.” She stands up and waves to Scott and his lawyer. “God, this is going to be one cute kid.”

Tessa smiles as she follows Ashley out into the foyer. Their kid is going to be really cute. The girls are gorgeous and Nathan is quite handsome if she does say so herself. There’s no way this new baby won’t be cute.

“Scott, Patrick, it’s really good to meet you, I’m Ashley.” She gives them both a firm handshake and Tessa introduces herself to Patrick. She thinks he and Scott used to play hockey together.

Ashley leads them towards her office and she hangs back a little to say hi to Scott. “You’re still okay with this?” She wants to make sure.

He catches her hand and gives it a quick squeeze before dropping it. “Yeah, it’s a good idea.” He still seems kind of nervous, but he’s smiling at her.

Ashley is pulling chairs around a small table. “I’m sorry it’s not more comfortable, our more private room for meetings is in use right now and I thought the conference rooms would be too formal.” She encourages everyone to sit and goes to close the blinds that line her walls. “I’d prefer if we weren’t around a table but I’d like to take notes if that’s okay.”

“Me too,” Patrick smiles. He seems nice and friendly, not intimidating at all. But she had known that Scott would never want to make these discussions tense or difficult.

“So, I was thinking we could maybe get a feel for what both your ideal situations would be, and where you’re willing to compromise,” Ashley says as she sits down and takes out a writing pad and a pen.

“Sure,” Scott agrees. “Tessa, would you like to start?” He looks at her expectantly.

She’s not certain that she would like to be the first one to speak, but it seems silly to refuse him. “Okay.” She smoothes down her skirt. “I’d like you to have as much time with the baby as you want, but I know that you have the girls, and that this might be a hard adjustment for them and that they’re going to need you too. So…” It’s hard to know how best to say all of this. “I guess that I want to say that I understand if you won’t be able to spend as much time with this baby as you’d maybe want to.”

Scott nods. “It’s going to be a big adjustment, definitely, but I think they’ll come around to it once they get used to the idea. They’re both really good with younger kids, or at least I think so anyway. I guess I’m biased.”

“No, they are,” Tessa rushes to reassure him. “They’ve both been so kind and sweet with Nathan.” It had been lovely watching them all together, and she hopes that the girls can still have a good relationship with her son even if they aren’t as fond of her after they hear the news. It hurts her heart a little to think of how they’re going to see her differently after this. She had never wanted to add further complications to their lives.

“Thanks, Tessa.” He smiles at her and she wants to reach out and squeeze his hand but she’s not sure that’s entirely appropriate in this setting. His hand goes to the back of his neck. “I want to help out as much as I can, to be there as much as I can. And…” He won’t quite meet her eyes and she can hear his foot tapping on the floor nervously. “I’d like to pay for half of everything the baby needs.”

“You don’t need to do that,” Tessa says immediately.

He looks up, a smile in his eyes even if it doesn’t quite make it to his lips. “I know,” he answers, calm but firm. “But I want to.”

She shifts in her seat. “I just… I…” How does she say this the right way?

“You have more money than I do?” He’s smiling now, but it’s maybe a little tight.

“Yes. I have way too much money. You don’t… you don’t need to contribute the same amount of money as I will to be a good father. That’s not what’s important.” He has two kids already, and probably a mortgage, and who knows what other kinds of financial responsibilities. She doesn’t need his money and she doesn’t know how they’d go about organising all that.

Scott folds his hands together and looks down at them. “I just want to help provide for our child. In every way possible.” There are a lot of ways to provide for a child, ways a lot more important than money, but this isn’t some masculine posturing, there’s a vulnerability to it. This really shouldn’t be as attractive a statement as it is, but when he puts it like that she can see where he’s coming from.

She forces herself to relax as she nods. “Okay. Yes. We, uh, we should talk about this some more and come up with a plan.”

When he looks up at her and smiles, she almost doesn’t notice what Ashley says. “It’s a good idea to discuss financial matters and set boundaries. Especially when there might be a disparity between income levels.”

Tessa turns to her and frowns. Is she trying to suggest that Tessa needs to protect her money from Scott? Maybe she should talk to her before this goes any further. “Ashley, could I speak with you in private for a minute?”

She agrees and they walk back out to the hall, Tessa shooting apologetic looks to Scott and Patrick as she leaves

“Everything okay, Tess?” Ashley asks.

Tessa looks around the hallway, there’s no one around, not even on the reception desk. “Why were you talking about boundaries? I don’t need to keep Scott away from my money, he has no interest in it.”

Ashley levels her with a look that is decidedly more professional than friendly. “I think he probably doesn’t, but as your lawyer I want you be safe and cautious, and as your friend I don’t want to see you get hurt. I know you would never have even brought up money if he hadn’t.” Tessa can’t deny that. “And that’s something you’re going to have to talk about, and it might get awkward.” Ashley adjusts her blazer. “And yes, he seems great, but… maybe after being with someone who was so trustworthy for so long, you might be expecting other people to be like that when a lot of them aren’t. And not just people you might be involved with romantically, I’m not trying to compare Scott to Jonathan.” She's quick to add the last part.

Tessa bristles all the same. “I don’t think I trust too easily.” She’s so careful with the people she works with, and even more so with anyone who comes into contact with Nathan.

Ashley slightly raises her eyebrows. “You said the two of you weren’t good at always using condoms? Did you ever ask him to get tested?”

“I... I knew he had been.” He’d told her that first night. And she knows he hadn’t lied because she followed up with her doctor once it became clear they were continuing, not to mention all the tests her doctor ran after she got pregnant were still clean, and, more than that, because he’s Scott. Even when she’d doubted him afterwards, it had only been for a second. She knows objectively that if anyone else told her this she’d think they were being reckless, but… there’s just something so open about Scott, something steady. She trusts him and doesn’t think that trust is misplaced in the slightest.

She’s not sure Ashley is convinced but her friend concedes. “Okay. Is there anything else you want to go over? We can table talking seriously about financial matters until you’ve had more time to think.”

Tessa shakes her head, she doesn’t want Scott to get worried about what they’re talking about if they’re out here too long. “Let’s go back in.”

Scott and Patrick are talking quietly when they return, Patrick underlining something he has written down. She smiles at Scott, reassuring, when she takes her seat again.

Ashley rustles her papers. “So, do we maybe want to start talking about some concerns you might have?”

Scott nods at Tessa so she begins. “I think my main worry is how we balance what’s right for this baby with what’s right for the other kids. Because sometimes I don’t think those will be the same things.” She thinks that more time with both of them is what’s best for the baby she’s carrying, but she doesn’t know if that’s what their older kids will need or want.

He rubs his hands along his trousers. “Yeah. That’s the big one for me too. It’s… it’s been a difficult time for all of them and they’ve had so much change already.”

Any time Tessa thinks of her plans for Nathan’s birthday next week she thinks of last year’s, and how different it was. How she’d run everything past Jonathan and he’d taken the tasks she’d given him so seriously, like getting the right brand of paper plates was just as important as figuring out the best search algorithm.

Scott continues, “And I’m also worried about the practicalities. How do we decide how to divide the time the baby spends with us? And when do we even start to do that?”

“I…” She should think before she speaks. “I’ll be breastfeeding, hopefully, I had no trouble with Nathan anyway, but it will take us a while to get into a routine. And… I trust you completely, but… I won’t be ready to be away from this baby for a night for a while. I know that about myself.” She hadn’t gone a night apart from Nathan until he was at least a year and a half. And never more than one night. She can probably count every night she’s been away from him on one hand. That wouldn’t be very fair to Scott, though. Not with this baby.

He gives her an understanding smile before he replies. “Tess, I would never ask you do that until you were comfortable. That wouldn’t be the right thing for either of you.” He adjusts his collar. “And that’s great about the breastfeeding.”

There’s a note of hesitance there though. “But?” She didn’t expect this to be a point of discussion.

Scott scratches the side of his neck. “Sarah couldn’t nurse the girls so we shared the bottlefeeding. And I really loved that bonding time with them, the night feeds and all that. But it’s okay, of course it is, I want what’s best for the baby.”

He wants to do _night feeds_. It sounds like a fantasy designed for the moms of newborns. She’s quick to cross her legs, leaning her elbows on the table instead of the armrests. “I could try pumping?” Her mom had got her one last time, thinking it might be helpful for work, but it had looked so complicated that Tessa had tried it maybe once and then given up. It was so much easier just to feed him herself, and she’d loved that skin on skin contact. And, as her own boss, it was easy enough to bring Nathan with her all the time. She bites her inner lip. Could that have been something Jonathan had felt he was missing out on?

Scott’s eyes are so grateful. “If you wouldn’t mind, that would be awesome.”

Ashley hums approvingly, as if she’s praising them for a job well done. Tessa had almost forgotten that she wasn’t alone with Scott. “And it would be so helpful.” Night feeds hadn’t bothered her for a long time because she was so happy to finally have the chance to do them, but the shine had started to wear off when it took Nathan longer than expected to start sleeping through the night.

“Like I said earlier, I want to be there to help as much as I can. And not just for the fun stuff, I like the hard parts.” Has a father _ever_ said he enjoyed the hard parts of parenting? “I’m used to them,” he adds. He starts looking wistful. “I stayed at home with the girls when they were little.”

What? “You stayed home with the girls? I didn’t know that.” Tessa is trying not to make it outwardly obvious that somehow this is a very potent turn on for her. The image of Scott as a stay at home dad with a tiny baby, taking care of her and adoring her is just… a lot to handle. She squeezes her legs together a little tighter.

Is there a glint in his eye now? He grins and Tessa doesn’t miss the way his eyes drift a little further down from her face briefly. “Yeah. I guess it just never came up.” He shrugs. “Sarah had to go back to work a little earlier than she would have liked after Becca because her department were dealing with staff shortages, and then she was working towards a promotion when Mollie was born and it had worked so well the first time.”

“Huh.” Tessa licks her lips and then reaches for a glass of water.

“I could do that again this time,” Scott says. “I’d be happy to. Or even just drop down to part-time at work. Whatever works for us…” Scott looks between Ashley and Patrick almost nervously before admitting, “I don’t want to miss out on anything with this baby.”

The water misses Tessa’s mouth somehow, falling all down her blouse. “Oh shit.” She reaches for some tissues from her purse before Ashley taps her on the arm.

“Why don’t we go out to the bathroom?”

That’s probably a good idea. As she follows Ashley down to the bathroom, she starts to wonder if her shoulders are moving because she’s laughing. After they enter the room and Ashley checks to see that no one else is there this suspicion is confirmed.

“I’m sorry,” Ashley laughs as she leans against the sinks, “but I’ve never had two people obviously mentally undressing each other in a custody meeting before. I’m not used to this.”

“We weren’t... “ Well, at least she hadn’t noticed Scott doing that outside of that quick glance. If that was undressing her with his eyes, he barely would’ve gotten a button undone. Tessa tries to angle her blouse under the hand dryer, carefully moving her hair out of the way so it doesn’t snag. Ashley is saying something but she can’t hear her over the noise of the dryer. “Sorry, what was that?”

“How do you think it’s going?” Ashley takes her time to enunciate each word.

Tessa waits until she’s satisfied that the blouse is as dry as it’s going to get before answering. “Okay. I just don’t know if we’re making that much progress?”

“You’re making lots of progress. You talked about money, and your worries, and you offered to pump. That was a lot for one meeting. This is only the beginning, remember. You said earlier you didn’t want to make any decisions today.”

Ashley is right, she guesses. “I know, but... “ She rubs her temple. “There’s just so much to be decided about how long the baby spends with each of us, and how to change that as they get older.” Tessa knows the look on her friend’s face, it means she has something she wants to say but isn’t sure if she should actually go ahead and say it. “What is it?”

“I know this is a special situation, with a lot of complicating factors, so this mightn’t be an option, but… People who aren’t romantically involved,” Ashley frowns, “though I’m not sure you’re really not romantically involved, but anyway… People who are co-parents sometimes live together and it can work really well.”

It’s like something in Tessa lifts a little hearing her say that. Maybe that means it’s not a completely ridiculous idea. “It would solve a lot of the issues we’re trying to work through, but it would create a lot of other ones. It would another huge change for the kids on top of the baby.”

“But you’re open to considering it?” Ashley seems a little surprised.

“I’ve thought about it a little.” She turns to the mirror and fixes her blouse. “The living with Scott part is fine, it’s whether it would suit the kids, and where we’d live, and how people would react…”

Ashley gives her arm a small squeeze. “It’s a major choice for sure. But it might be one that’s worth talking about.”

Tessa takes a breath. “Yeah.” She fixes her hair, swipes her pinky along the corner of her eye. “We should probably go back in, these sidebars are getting a little much.”

“You asked for the first, and you necessitated the second when you got wet at the idea of Scott staying home with your baby,” Ashley mutters as they walk back down the hall, looking much too pleased with herself.

“You’re acting as my lawyer now! You can’t make comments like that!” It’s mainly mock outrage.

“Okay, from now on I’ll hold them in until later.” Ashley holds open the door for her, but when they walk in only Scott remains.

“Patrick’s really sorry, but his wife just went into labour so he had to leave.” Scott can’t hide his grin.

“Oh, that’s great!” Tessa says. “Is this their first?”

Scott nods a bit like a bobble head in his enthusiasm. “Yeah, he’s been phoning me with all his first-time dad questions for the past few months. Should we keep going or leave it for another time?”

“I think you two made a lot of progress today, take some time to think things over and we can meet up again some other time,” Ashley suggests.

Scott stands up. “It was really good to meet you, thanks for all your help.” He turns to Tessa, “Are you free right now?” He shakes his head, “Sorry, you probably want to go over what we discussed with Ashley. We can…”

“No, it’s fine. I’m free now.” Tessa thinks she can hear Ashley snorting as she gathers her papers “I’ll see you later, Ashley!” She grabs her purse and walks out with Scott to the elevator. “Have you eaten? Do you want to get lunch?”

The elevator is already on their floor and they walk on immediately. There’s more space between them than Tessa cares for but that’s probably for the best. Scott pushes the button labeled with a one. “Sure. Do you want to come back to my house? We have crackers if you need something plain, or there’s some lasagne from last night?”

She looks at her phone. “Maybe somewhere close to here, if that’s okay? I have to pick Nathan up from playgroup in an hour.”

He smiles. “That’s no problem. Do you know anywhere good?”

Tessa thinks for a second. “I do! There’s a really nice deli I used to meet Jordan at sometimes when she interned at a firm near here one summer.”

“Great.”

Once they’re out of the elevator she leads them across the street, she asks about how the girls are getting on at school and he tells her about how much Becca loves the fact that her new classroom has such a big library and that they get reading time each day. It’s before the lunchtime rush so they get seated in a quiet corner and it’s only then that she thinks that this is the first time they’ve ever gone out somewhere like this. She’s waiting for the guilt, but it doesn’t come. It just feels natural to be here with him.

After they order Scott asks, “How do you feel after that?”

She takes a quiet moment to check in with herself, a little surprised at how okay she does feel. “Good, I think? We still have so much to do though.”

“Yeah. But we’ll get there.” She smiles back at him and then his mouth turns down. “I’m sorry about bringing up money.”

“No, please don’t be. It’s absolutely something we need to discuss. I’m just… a little weird about it, I guess.” She rubs a little salt off the top of the shaker. “We didn’t have much, my family, I mean, after the divorce, so that was an adjustment. Then the Bradys were a lot better off than my family had ever been… probably helped having just the one kid, I guess. I used to feel so awkward when they’d buy me these beautiful gifts and I’d just made them cookies or something. After the app took off Jonathan and I had more money than I knew what to do with, or needed. I just get uncomfortable talking about it I suppose.” She does the same with the pepper shaker. “I appreciate that we have it, it meant that going for more rounds of IVF after the first didn’t work was never going to be an issue and… life is easier when you have a lot of money. But… sometimes I think I should be doing more than I am with it. Or doing something more worthwhile than running an app for photos that people use to present this perfect life they don’t even have.”

“I don’t think… it’s not for me to decide whether what you’re doing is worthwhile enough for you. I do think what you’ve achieved is really impressive though.” She blushes ever so slightly, she can tell he means what he’s saying. “But if you want to do something else, you should.” His hand is lying on the table and she has this urge to hold it, but it’s probably not a good idea.

This isn’t really the conversation they’re meant to be having, but might be something she should think about at a later stage. “I’m not sure I’m ready for any other changes right now.”

They both thank the waitress when she brings over a jug and two glasses. Scott pours water for both of them before saying, “I get that. There are already more than enough things to consider.”

She just blurts it out, like she’s been possessed or something. “Ashley was talking about how people who co-parent living together and that it can work out well.” Scott blinks at her, his mouth falling the tiniest bit open. He doesn’t move in the slightest yet there is a vein in his neck that pulses despite his freezing. She thinks one of Marian’s priest friends did an exorcism one time, maybe she can contact him. “And I know it sounds crazy, and it might be too much for the girls and Nathan, but maybe it’s something we should think about?”

Before Scott can say anything the waitress reappears with their grilled cheeses. Tessa manages to remember to thank her before concentrating on staring at her sandwich, she almost expects it to speak before Scott does.

She thinks to start counting the seconds until he speaks or just getting up and leaving to save herself the embarrassment (and the letdown). He takes an audible breath. “I have thought about it,” he says, tapping his fingers on the metal that lines the table. “We could both see the baby as much as possible, and I could help out all the time if I was at home with you.” He’s talking so carefully, like he’s afraid of what she’ll say, as if she wasn’t the one to bring it up.

“I’ve thought about it, too,” she admits. “That first day when you came over and were talking about how I’d need someone around before the baby comes. It would be good to have someone with me for that. And to have you around after. I really don’t want you to miss out on things.” Especially now that she knows how present he’d been for the girls’ early life, he’ll know exactly the kind of ordinary, everyday moments he’s not getting to see.

“I don’t want to take this baby away from you, and I don’t want to be away from her. Or him. But…”

“I know. Is it too much for them? It feels like it might be too much for them.” She’s more thinking of his girls than Nathan, she thinks with him being younger the adjustment would be easier. And the idea of moving house has been playing on her mind more and more lately anyway.

“You should eat, Tess,” he says softly.

He’s right. It tastes amazing, the bread perfectly toasted and the cheese melted just the right amount. “You should eat, too,” she reminds him.

The cheese leaks out of the sandwich and down his chin and she laughs as she reaches for a napkin. “Maybe living with you and all the little ones would be like living with five kids though,” she teases as she dabs at his face.

He takes the napkin from her hand, smiling. “I’m usually not this bad.”

They both concentrate on their food for a little while, but it doesn’t make her as anxious as it had earlier. At least now it’s out in the open that they’ve both considered it.

“It’s something I’d need to talk to them about,” he says finally. “I wouldn’t do it if they weren’t going to be be comfortable.” She wouldn’t have expected anything else. “But I think it’s worth discussing with them.” He cleans up a grease stain in front of him. “I was wondering if it would be easier for them if it was just a short period, maybe a month before and then a few months after, but… Maybe that would be too much change without a chance to get settled?”

“Yeah. I think if we were to do it while we’d need to be flexible and make changes as needed… It might be a good idea to go in thinking it would be for a year or two.” If things did go well she doesn’t know how either of them could go to seeing less of their child though. But maybe that’s not something she needs to think about right now.

“That makes sense.” He takes another bite of his grilled cheese, and then a sip of water. “How would you feel about looking for a new place? If we were to do this. I don’t think either of ours would be a good idea.”

“I completely agree.” She’s so relieved that he feels the same.

“It was… It was Sarah’s house, you know? And yours was Jonathan’s.”

He’s tearing up. She reaches out to clasp his hand where it’s resting on the table, holding it tight as tears fill her own eyes. “I know. It wouldn’t feel right.”

Scott wipes his eyes with his free hand. “I can’t believe we’re really talking about this.”

“I know,” she half laughs, half sobs. “It’s a long way from saying we’d have sex once and never speak about it again.”

“A very long way.”

“I just… I wish we could know what the best thing to do is.” Maybe after the initial adjustment it would be good for all the kids to be together with their new sibling.

“We’re just going to need to try our best. No guide for this one, remember?” he grins.

“We just need to find our own way.” She squeezes his hand tighter. “I’m glad it’s you with me.”

His eyes widen, like she’s given him a really great piece of news. “Me too, kiddo.”

This makes her cry harder, and she doesn’t know why. He slips off his side of the table and onto the bench beside her, gathering her into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“No, it’s fine It’s just… we’re really thinking about this, aren’t we?”

“As long as you’re sure, then yes, we really are.” It’s nice to be so close to him again, to have her head resting against his chest.

“I’m sure. If the girls are okay with it... “ Her breath rattles. “I think it’s a good option. Maybe the best one.”

“Okay.” For a second she thinks he might kiss her, but it’s just a press of his lips to her forehead. “That’s what we’ll try for then.”

She holds him close to her, murmuring her agreement into the crook of his neck. Everything seems so much easier when she’s in his arms. She wants him there with her and this baby. She does. She wants to be a family, as unconventional and as complicated as it will be with four kids and two widowed people in their thirties whose secret relationship won’t be so secret. She wants…

Tessa wants quite a lot.


	5. welcome to the fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your support. And thank you, thank you, thank you to awakeanddreaming, falsettodrop, and wishfulwannabe, who go above and beyond for us. 
> 
> Pour yourself a drink of your choice and settle in, there may be emotions on this iwantthemtostay/only_because3 flight.

_**September 2018** _

Scott forgot that he maybe should’ve prepared the girls for how big Tessa’s house is.

At the gate, Becca gasps while Mollie shouts, “Is Tessa a princess?”

“Don’t be silly,” Becca says, a quicker recovery than Scott was expecting. “Canada doesn’t have a princess.” A pause. “Tessa is Canadian, right Daddy?”

“As Canadian as you and me,” he quips. The girls keep talking about the house as he drives up to the door, both of them marveling at how big it is, how pretty all the flowers are that line the drive. They start betting on what it looks like on the inside: Becca is sure there’s a library while Mollie thinks there’s a slide instead of stairs. “We’re going to be on our best behavior, right?” He looks in the rear view mirror in time to see the girls nodding.

Tessa opens the door just as he shuts the car off, coming out onto the porch with Nathan on her hip. The little boy is already in swim trunks and a rash guard. The colors, a deep blue and grey, match the shapeless coverup Tessa is wearing, the duo looking every bit like two peas in the same pod. Tessa whispers something to Nathan and then he’s waving at them - or, more properly, Scott, since the girls are behind tinted windows.

The girls have already unbuckled themselves by the time he opens up the back door, their buzzing palpable. Mollie shoots out as soon as the door is open far enough, shouting, “Hi, Nathan! Hi, Tessa,” while Becca climbs out at a normal pace, waving back when Tessa waves at her. Mollie, of course, throws her arms around Tessa, hugging her so tight that the coverup bunches beneath the force. Becca holds her hand up for Nathan to high five, which he does, so gleefully he almost kicks Mollie in the head in his exuberance.

It certainly is a sight to see, his girls surrounding Tessa, Nathan in her arms, and their baby hiding somewhere below her clothes.

Scott gathers the beach bags along with Nathan’s presents, the three wrapped boxes making Tessa’s eyebrows raise. “You didn’t have to get him anything,” she says. “Let alone  _three_ things.”

Scott shrugs, sheepish grin on his face as the girls take over. “Mollie and I couldn’t decide what to get,” Becca explains. “So we each got something!”

“Daddy wanted to get him a toy too,” Mollie adds. She tries to pull her present out of the stack but Scott just lifts it higher and tries not to laugh at the angry pout she gives him in return.

Becca nods. “It was only fair.”

Tessa shrugs as exaggeratedly as she can with Nathan still in her arms. “Well, when you put it like that.” There’s a twinkle in her eye when she looks at him and Scott is struck at how completely easy this all is. He knows it isn’t, not really, but the foundation is here, sturdier than he ever expected it to be. Maybe they _will_ be okay. Maybe he’s not going to ruin his kids’ futures, won’t ruin Nathan’s either.

Scott can tell that Mollie wants to run _everywhere_ as soon as Tessa brings them all inside. Her head is moving every which way, a steady stream of amazement coming from under her breath as she takes in everything she can see from her spot in the entry. He’s certain he hears her say she’s never seen so many stairs before. Truthfully, he’s not sure he had either in a home before Tessa. Becca looks around once before zeroing in on the frames hanging on the wall, face turning contemplative as she looks over all the pictures.

“Shall we go to the pool or do you want to explore?” Tessa asks, the question clearly for the kids rather than him.

Mollie spins on her heel. “I have to put my bathing suit on.”

Tessa nods while Nathan takes her cheeks in his hands, moving her face so that she’ll look at him. “Nathan, you have to use your words, okay? I was talking to Mollie.”

“Sorry,” he says quietly. Nathan’s cheeks grow red but Tessa nuzzles him close before asking what he needs. “Potty.”

Scott clears his throat. “I could take them, if you’re okay with that.” It’s one thing to hang out with someone’s child, but it’s a whole other ballgame to take someone else’s child to the bathroom.

He watches Tessa’s eyes widen and he immediately wants to take back the offer. It’s clearly too much too soon. It’s just so hard to know where they stand when they’ve gone about everything so backwards. “If you don’t mind?” Tessa asks before he can apologize. “I know they’re little but,” she glances down at Mollie, “will you be okay if Nathan goes to the potty while you change into your suit?”

Oh. He hadn’t thought her worry would stem from concern for his daughter.

Mollie shakes her head and grabs her beach bag out of Scott’s hand. “It’s just Nathan,” she says, simple. “C’mon, I wanna go swim!”

She starts off towards the stairs, looking every bit like she knows where she’s going even though she hasn’t a clue. “Mollie, it’s this way,” Scott says as Tessa puts Nathan down, asking him too if he’s okay going to the bathroom with Scott. Her son looks up at him from behind his tiny glasses and then smiles, taking Scott’s outstretched hand and pulling him towards the hall bath.

He casts a look back at Becca but she’s already moving towards Tessa and Scott takes that as a good sign.

Once the door is closed, both kids set about taking off their pants. Mollie really only needs help when it comes to the straps of her bathing suit, so many crisscrossing ones that if she puts it on herself, she’s liable to get all tangled up, so Scott turns his attention to Nathan. His trunks are already pushed down to his ankles making it difficult to get his little step stool out from where it hides beside the toilet. “Need help, kiddo?”

There’s something about the way Nathan looks up at him and nods when he says, “please,” that reminds Scott of Tessa. Maybe it’s the way his eyebrows pull up or the way his lips set off to one side as he gives Scott room to place the stool in front of the toilet. Nathan clearly takes after Jonathan, every bit the light to Tessa’s dark, but there is still so much of his mother in him. Scott wonders if anyone ever tells her how much they look alike.

Nathan steps up onto the stool, grabbing onto Scott’s shorts to steady himself. Mollie pads over, nonplussed at the fact that Nathan is peeing, and already tangled up in her bathing suit. By the time he rights Mollie’s straps, Nathan is done and pulling his trunks up. There’s a little bit of pee on the rim of the toilet so Scott tears off a square of toilet paper and hands it to Nathan. “We have to clean up after ourselves,” Scott explains. He remembers his mom complaining for years about him and his brothers being sprinklers when they were potty training. He’s sure Tessa has it covered, but Scott thinks some outside reminders won’t hurt either. “No one wants to accidentally touch pee, right?”

Nathan’s nose wrinkles exactly like Tessa’s does. “No, that’s yucky.” He cleans up the pee, flushes the toilet, and flips the seat back down, all the while wearing a huge smile. “That was a _big_ pee,” he says proudly.

Scott laughs. “Yeah, good job, kiddo.” Rather than move the stool to the sink, Scott holds Nathan up to wash his hands while Mollie shoves her clothes into her beach bag.

Tessa and Becca are no longer in the entryway when they come out of the bathroom which causes his daughter to huff and set out in front. Nathan seems content to walk beside Scott, looking up at him when Mollie heads towards the stairs. “Where she going?”

Scott shrugs and calls out for Mollie to wait for them which prompts Tessa to yell, “In the kitchen.” Nathan leads the way now, taking Mollie’s hand in his as they follow the voice of his mom. It’s more adorable than Scott was expecting, his heart bursting with pride at how easy Mollie lets someone younger than her lead and at how comfortable Nathan is with her to reach out on his own.

The fridge door closes as soon as they walk into the kitchen. Tessa’s smiling while Becca is trying not to, the tips of her ears turning red like they do every time she has a secret. “What’s going on here?” Scott asks, his eyes darting between the pair. Becca covers her mouth and turns away from him, no doubt anticipating that he’ll try and get the truth out of her first.

Tessa merely shrugs, hands going up with the gesture too. She looks at the kids and not at him. “Are we ready to swim?”

The backyard is very impressive. A good chunk of grass in addition to the pool, gated, of course, and half a tennis court. There’s a lot of shade too, in the form of trees and covers, but Scott knows it’s important to remain vigilant, especially since the kids will be in the pool. Becca is already putting on her sunscreen, the really good waterproof kind, and Mollie stands behind her, waiting for the tube. Scott made sure to put some on before they left the house but it definitely stands to be reapplied.

Nathan walks up behind Mollie, observing the older girls for a moment, before he puts his arms out just like Mollie. Tessa laughs from where she’s closing the sliding screen door. “Nathan, I’ve got sunscreen for you.”

Becca squirts some on to Mollie’s arm but hesitates over Nathan’s. “It’s okay if he uses ours,” she says. “If that’s okay.” Scott nods when Tessa looks to him and Tessa tells Becca that it would be very helpful. Becca smiles then squirts a modest sized dollop onto Nathan’s arm. Not too much and not too little.

Tessa eases herself down on the lounger beside Scott and grabs the second tube of sunscreen that he brought. “I’ll get legs if you help with arms?” Together they work to get their kids coated evenly. Scott rubs in the sunscreen on Nathan and Mollie’s arms while Tessa does their legs and feet. Becca manages well enough on her own until it’s time to get to her back. He’s thought of investing in rash guards for the girls but Becca has claimed that none of them were cute and if he couldn’t convince Becca, there was no convincing Mollie. The kids turn in unison, Tessa making quick work of the back of Nathan’s neck and his ears before moving on to do Mollie’s backside while Scott does Becca’s.

Finally, they cover the kids’ faces too, and Scott proudly announces, “You are free to swim.”

The girls dart towards the pool and, once Nathan gets into his floaties, he joins them, jumping in just as fearlessly as Becca and Mollie. “He’s such a water baby,” Tessa says fondly.

Scott wipes his hands on his legs. “Aren’t all kids?”

“I guess, but he has always loved it.” Tessa pulls her hair up into a bun. “We could barely drag him out last year.”

“Does this mean a pool is a necessity?” Scott asks hesitantly. He sets out putting sunscreen on himself just so he can keep his hands busy. “ _If_ we move in together.”

Tessa bumps his shoulder. “It’d be nice for all the kids, but it won’t be the end of the world without one.” She holds her hand out for sunscreen, working it into her legs too. “When do you think you’ll ask them?” Scott sighs, looking out at the kids in the pool. They’re all so happy. He doesn’t want to take it from them. Tessa lets her head fall to his shoulder, lips pressed against his shirt. “I know. I don’t want to ruin anything either.”

Becca is trying to get the other two kids to race her, Mollie and Nathan giggling but still hanging on Becca’s every word. Satisfied that they’re not being paid attention to, Scott palms the inside of Tessa’s knee. “How’d you get so good at reading me?”

She hums in her throat. “I’m afraid it might be less about reading you and more knowing you share my fears.”

“Yeah,” he breathes out. Her hand covers his own, tracing the part of his ring finger that’s started to fill back in now that his wedding band is tucked away. “We’re a team now, aren’t we?”

Tessa sets her chin on his shoulder. She’s so close he could kiss her, their noses near bumping, but that’s not what he focuses on. All he can look at are her eyes, the green shimmering from the light reflecting off the pool, highlighting all the fears and hopes that rest inside her. All the fears and hopes that rest inside him. “We are,” she murmurs.

He gives her knee a squeeze and she wrinkles her nose in response, the corner of her lips quirking in the process. “Come on, let's finish putting our sunscreen on and play with our kids.”

He pulls off his shirt once Tessa stands to remove her cover up and he would laugh at the way they both pause and just _stare_ at each other if he could think about anything other than all the new skin he’s seeing. It’s ridiculous how much a bathing suit is affecting him, especially one as conservative as the one Tessa is sporting. The briefs are high waisted and the top is composed of a generous halter. Scott’s seen her in so much less, but it’s been weeks and he’s yet to see all the minute changes her body has already gone through. Her hips seem fractionally larger, her stomach a little less flat, her breasts, which were perfection before, already swelling in preparation for their child. Before he can stop himself, a soft “wow,” tumbles out of his mouth. It breaks Tessa out of her own reviere, makes her blink. Her eyes leave his abs for his face, giggling while a faint blush takes over the apples of her cheeks, a stark contrast to the smirk that grows on her lips.

It’s easy enough to refocus with the kids laughing and splashing nearby, even easier when Nathan yells, “Mama, Mama, come swim,” and Becca lets out the most gorgeous laugh as she cannonballs into the pool. Just as he’s finishing up his torso and face, Tessa walks up with a shy grin. “Do my back and I’ll do yours?”

How’s he supposed to say no to that? It is only practical of course. They’re liable to miss parts if they attempt to do it themselves.

She twirls her finger, indicating that he’ll be going first. The sunscreen isn’t as cold as he was expecting, maybe because they’ve been holding the tubes for a bit now, but Scott is also willing to bet Tessa warmed it up in her hands first, something the girls never do when they help him put sunscreen on. She starts at his shoulders, working her fingers down his back evenly, pausing when she finds the knot that’s been bothering him the last few days. “Work?” she asks as her thumb digs in.

He grunts. “I think it’s how I’ve been sleeping actually.” Or, if he wanted to get specific, how he’s been falling asleep. Each night he doesn’t have work, he’s been staying up with his laptop, looking up houses or going over finances. More often than not, he’s been crashing before he has a chance to shut down.

Tessa clicks her tongue, moving away from the knot that finally feels loose to finish covering the rest of his back. “You probably need a new mattress.” Her hand comes up to swipe at the back of his neck and the shell of his ears and he shivers, every hair on his body standing on end from the touch. “Done.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” When he turns around, she’s already done the same. “How is _your_ back doing? Sarah’s was so sore with her morning sickness.”

He feels her exhale, the muscles and bones in her back rippling beneath his touch. “It’s better now,” she sighs. “I think it’s finally starting to taper off.”

“Yeah?” Tessa nods as he rubs sunscreen beneath the band of her top. “I’m glad to hear it.” He smooths out the band when it twists then gives her shoulders a squeeze. “How does Nathan do with splashes?”

Tessa looks over her shoulder, brows furrowed. “He loves it?”

Scott nods once. “Great.” He trails a hand down to her own and laces their fingers together. “Come on then.” She still looks confused and stays rooted in her spot even as he starts walking ahead. “I know my girls find me cool when I jump in to the pool,” he says, playful smirk pulling at his lips.

He’s not entirely sure she’ll join him but then a smile takes up her whole face. And then, with three quick steps, they’re jumping into the deep end, the kids’ excitement ringing in their ears before they go under.

 

“Everyone out please,” Becca yells from the sliding glass door. “It’s time to celebrate!”

Mollie stops clambering up on his back and Nathan stops trying to tickle him. “Aren’t we doing that?” Mollie yells. Scott squeezes his eyes shut, bringing a finger up to close his ear. “Sorry, Daddy.”

Becca pulls the door open further and then out steps Tessa holding a plate of cupcakes, two lit candles standing proudly from two of them. “Happy birthday,” Becca starts singing as they walk to the edge of the pool. Tessa joins in and then so does Mollie as Scott walks the two little ones and himself to the steps. When the song gets to the point to say names, it’s an awkward, off-key mashup of Daddy and Scott before finding its footing again with Nathan, and it makes Scott laugh harder than he expects. He hoists Nathan up to sit on the edge, right next to where Tessa crouches down. The boy looks so delighted, giggling up at his mom before smiling at him and the girls.

His own birthday is whatever, a nice time to be spent with family, but Scott is _really_ happy that Nathan looks over the moon. It’s all he could ever want for any of their kids.

“To you,” all the girls finish singing gleefully, Tessa encouraging Nathan to blow out the candle closest to him right after.

“On three, kiddo?” Scott asks and Nathan nods. Scott counts down and, in unison, they blow out their candles to the cheers of everyone else. “Is this what you were hiding, Becca?” He tickles his oldest’s foot until she’s laughing and nodding.

“Tessa wanted it to be a surprise!”

“It’s not a birthday celebration without cake,” Tessa says. He’s never heard wiser words. “Come on, everyone to the table so we can have our treats.”

The cupcakes are delicious and not so artfully frosted, a clear sign that Tessa probably did make these. He’s amused to find that Mollie and Nathan attack their cupcakes the same way, attack being the best word to describe what they do. Once the wrapper is peeled back, they both bite directly into the middle of the cupcake, frosting smearing all over their mouths and noses. Tessa is quick to grab baby wipes but Scott just shakes his head, knowing there’s no reason to clean them up until the cupcakes have disappeared into their tummies.

Becca takes a normal sized bite and licks her lips before asking, “Can Nathan open his presents?” At Tessa’s nod, Becca goes to collect them from inside and she sets them down in front of Nathan who immediately abandons his cupcake in favor of the wrapped gifts.

“Ah ah,” Tessa says, quick to grab Nathan’s hand. She cleans him up before handing him the first present. “This one is from Mollie.”

The girl beams on the other side of Nathan. “I hope you like it, Nate!” Scott and Tessa exchange a surprised look at the nickname but their focus is brought back to Nathan when he starts pulling back the paper. Tessa helps him once he gets down to the box, prying the flaps open, and then sitting back to let him find the gift himself amidst the tissue paper. He lets out a soft gasp and then he pulls out the stuffed dog, the coloring exactly like Marner’s. “Now you have a puppy, too!”

Nathan cuddles the stuffed animal close to his chest, rubbing his face into the fur. “So soft,” he murmurs. Mollie nods excitedly. “Thanks!” He climbs up onto his knees so that he can lean over and give her a hug. Scott chances a glance at Tessa, unsurprised to see her looking at their kids with the most fond and proud expression on her face. He nudges her leg and Tessa wordlessly takes his hand in hers under the table.

“You’ve still got two more to go, Nathan,” she reminds him gently. He sits back down in his seat, taking Becca’s present and tearing open the wrapping paper to reveal a book.

“I hope you don’t have it already,” Becca says.

Tessa takes a good look at the cover before smiling at Becca. “He doesn’t.”

His daughter beams. “I picked it because I know he likes farms and one of the character’s names is Tessa!” She had been so excited by that, her face beaming a proud smile in the bookstore.

“Really?” Tessa looks on as Nathan opens the book, her eyes widening when she discovers it’s true. “What a great find, Becca! Thank you!”

Nathan is totally absorbed in the book, opening up the little flaps to find all the hiding farm animals, not responding even when Tessa says his name. “It’s okay. I understand getting lost in a new book,” Becca says very seriously.

Tessa sends her a smile but still prods Nathan until the little boy finally closes the book. “Thanks,” he says, wiggling out of the chair. He goes under the table to reach Becca faster and when they hug, Tessa squeezes his hand.

“Becca, would you like to help him open the last one?” Nathan climbs up onto Becca’s chair and ends up sitting half on, half off her lap. Scott fidgets nervously as the two work together to open the gift, only settling when Tessa starts stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

Nathan lets out the biggest gasp Scott has ever heard from such a little body (which is saying a lot considering he’s father to one Mollie Moir). “COWS,” he yells, both hands reaching into the box. He pulls out two painted wooden cows, looking every bit like the Canadiennes they passed on their way to Ilderton.

“Wow! Where did you find those?”

Before he can answer, Mollie says, “Daddy made them!”

Tessa blinks. “You… made them?” Scott clears his throat as he nods. “Nathan, let me see one, please.” The cow goes down the line of kiddos until it gets to Tessa’s hand. Nathan happily introduces his new cow to his new stuffed animal, talking so much to the girls that Scott thinks he can only be described as chatty. Tessa, on the other hand, marvels at the toy in her hand. She stands it on the table, runs her finger over the smooth wood, tracing the ridges of the head before following the dip of the neck and the line of the back, going all the way to the delicate tail that, even after all these years woodworking, Scott is damn proud of. “Scott,” Tessa says softly and when she manages to take her eyes off the cow to look at him, he can see how shiny her eyes are. “These are amazing. _Thank you_.” She lets go of his hand only to grip his thigh in a firm squeeze.

He shrugs. “It’s nothing, really.” She doesn’t need to know that there were three other cows made but ultimately trashed because his painting skills could be a lot better.

Her nails prick his skin. “It’s not nothing. You really didn’t have to do this.” She licks her lips and Scott doesn’t miss the way her eyes dart from his down to his mouth.

Nathan pops out from underneath the table, mooing as he wields his cow in front of him. “Thanks!” Tessa sits back in her seat but there’s no loss to be felt because as soon as she pulls away, Nathan is hugging him, the little legs of the cow pressing into Scott’s back.

Soon, the kids are back in the pool (the cows reluctantly left at the table) and Tessa frowns. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get you anything.”

“You did all this,” Scott says, waving from the cupcakes to the pool. “This has been a great afternoon.”

Her toe pokes at his calf. “Not as great a celebration as my birthday.” He groans, slumping in the chair as his head tips back. “I know,” she apologizes but Tessa looks far from sorry.

Scott runs his hands through his hair. “Being with you like this is pretty amazing, Tess.”

“But that would be the cherry on top, wouldn’t it?” she pushes.

“Honestly? It’d be like getting a whole ‘nother sundae.” She laughs, a great big one, and Scott grins in return.

Tessa picks at her cupcake, tearing off a small piece. “I’m not ready yet,” she starts after a deep breath, “to go there again.”

“Tess-” he knows they’re not ready for that. “We still have a lot to figure out.” But it feels like a present all the same to hear the clear suggestion that it’s still on the cards.

She nods. “We do,” she agrees. She pops some of the cupcake into her mouth and, after she swallows, she quietly asks, “But maybe I could send you something?”

His throat goes dry and he thinks his eyes might be bulging a little. Tessa’s nerves seem to dissipate as a little smirk crosses her face. “You… you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” She plays with the ends of her wet hair. “I, uh, I thought you might like it when I saw you looking at me earlier.”

“Yeah.” They both laugh at how breathy his voice sounds. “But if you changed your mind, it would be okay. I don’t…” He would hate for her to feel like she needs to give him this, that her friendship isn’t enough for him without getting his eyes or his hands on her body too.

She clasps his hand with her own. “I know, Scott.” She squeezes tighter, her rings rubbing against his skin. “Will we go back in with the kids?”

They walk over together, only letting go of each other’s hands when they’re out from behind the table.

They stay for another while until Nathan starts to tire, and Tessa too from what Scott can see. The girls chatter about what a good time they had the whole way home and Scott hopes, a little foolishly he knows, that there will be many more days like this, even after they hear the news.

He presumes Tessa has changed her mind about the photo when none have arrived when he gets home. He figured she’d send one of her in that bikini, maybe had hoped for one of her after she took it off. But there are a bunch of reasons why she might have decided against sending, or perhaps she just didn’t have the time with trying to get Nathan out of his wet swimming gear and ready for dinner. He got to see her earlier anyway, and he’s not going to forget how she looked, either perfectly dry before they jumped in the pool, or soaking wet after, droplets of water collecting on her breasts, her shoulders, her face.

So he’s not prepared when she sends him a photo just as he’s powering up his laptop to see if any new houses have become available on the London market. It’s not like the others she’s sent him, no fancy underwear (no underwear at all) and no makeup or coy smiles. It’s her, naked and gorgeous, at the end of the day. She’s standing in front of one of those long mirrors in her bedroom, her hair up in one of those messy buns and wearing her glasses. He has no idea whether she figured out that he was into them or if she’d just been using them already when she decided to take the photo. Her smile is a little tired, but it’s honest and relaxed, and her hand is resting over the swell of her stomach, not quite a bump yet but growing all the same. He can see the changes to her hips, her thighs, her breasts. If he’d been told before she got pregnant that Tessa could look even more beautiful he doesn’t think he’d have believed it, but it certainly seems to be the case. All he wants to do is trace these changes with his hands and his lips. Needs to feel her hips beneath his fingers and her now slightly darker nipples on his tongue.

His hand is reaching under his shorts towards his cock when he remembers he really should text her first, going for a simple ‘ _You’re so beautiful_ ’ rather than telling her what he’s about to do.

It takes him an embarrassingly fast amount of time to get himself off. Just a few pumps as he thinks of touching Tessa as she is now, of mapping her body out anew until he knows it as intimately as he knows what it had been like before. It’s when he’s thinking of how he’d kiss her, cradling the back of her head as he slid into her, that he comes. He cleans up quickly and checks to see if she’s replied. She hasn’t, and he opens up the real estate listings to distract himself.

And then she calls. He knows from the first “Hey” that she’d been doing the exact same thing he had, her voice sounding that little bit wrecked like it had after every time they fucked.

“Hey, Tess.” He wonders if she can tell the same thing about him. “I, uh, really liked the photo.”

She laughs and it makes him want to be with her even more. “I’m glad.” Her voice quiets. “I didn’t know if I should call or not, if it would just make things harder, but… I wanted to hear your voice.”

They text regularly now, call too, and they’re meeting up at least twice a week at this point. Aching for her isn’t something he should do, especially not after spending such a long afternoon together. But he does, and it thrills him, makes his stomach somersault, to know that she does too, that she craves the connection between them just as much as he does. “I want to hear yours too,” he assures her.

Tessa hums. He thinks he hears the fold of her glasses and he wonders if she’s gotten into some pajamas or if she’s laid out nude between her sheets. “This wasn’t so difficult when I was nauseous all the time,” she grumbles.

It wasn’t as hard for him then either. He thinks back on what she said earlier, about not being ready _yet_. “Maybe…” It doesn’t feel like reaching but he still needs to take a deep breath before adding, “after we figure some more things out…”

It’s excruciating, waiting for her to shoot him down, but she doesn’t. “Yes,”  she says, a fervent prayer. He can hear her becoming emotional then. “I… What we had before, it meant a lot to me, but… we weren’t ready to have a baby together, that wasn’t a next step I had planned for. And I don’t want to rush into things and then make things difficult for everyone. I just don’t want to mess this up. The baby, the kids, _you_ …” She pauses. “You’re all _so_ important to me.”

It takes his breath a little, all that she’s said. “I feel the same. I don’t want to risk anything.” Nothing that would jeopardize his family or hers, anyway. He finds he is willing to risk a lot if it means making their families happy.

“But I still want you,” she says, simple, with not a little longing.

He smiles, small and secret. It’s been obvious that she still cares for him, but that doesn’t lessen the joy Scott feels at hearing her say it. “I feel the same about that too,” he echoes.

“Someday,” she says firmly, and then, with some wistfulness, “Hopefully not too far away.”

He’s about to tell her he’ll wait as long as it takes, but somehow it feels a little much, tantamount to forever. Forever isn’t something he dares to think about so he goes with, “Take your time, Tess.”

“I’m not sure I really want to,” she admits, before her sigh turns into a yawn. “I should try and get some sleep, I’ll talk to you tomorrow when we get back from the Bradys’, okay?”

A glance at the clock on his laptop tells him that it’s much too late for her to be up, especially after a day swimming. “Talk to you then. Get some rest.”

“You too! And seriously think about changing your mattress, your back needs to be in good shape for work and for keeping up with the girls.” It’s half scold, half plea. It makes him smile a little wider.

“I will. Sweet dreams, Tessa.”

It’s only after they both hang up that it strikes him that talking about a baby not being a planned next step is a very different thing to a baby never being seen as a possibility. “We weren’t ready to have a baby together,” is a very different thing to “we weren’t meant to have a baby.” But he can’t quite take that in. Can’t quite figure out what Tessa might be thinking. So he focuses on what he can do and looks up houses that they might live in. The two of them and their kids. A family no one saw coming.

—

Tessa wakes up on September 19th with a shiver of excitement, just like she has the past three years. It’s one she used to associate with her own birthday, but now she feels it for her son, and for what had been the most significant day of her life twice over. But this year there’s no Jonathan in her bed, even if she isn’t entirely alone here. She strokes her stomach once to ground her to the present, and then lets herself wallow in the past for a few minutes. She reaches for her phone and scrolls to a video from Nathan’s party last year, one Jordan had taken and sent to her. He’s blowing out his candles and she and Jonathan are standing right behind him, Jonathan with his arm around her. He kisses her forehead when she looks up at him and he’s so _happy_ that it breaks her. She goes back further to the photos and videos from Nathan's first birthday and then further again to the day he was born, back to a time far away from the accident.

She thinks she almost broke Jonathan's hand that day she was holding on so tight. Maybe she should warn Scott about that. But he will be used to it after being there for Sarah's labours, not like poor Jonathan. He’d been wonderfully supportive, but he never quite lost the deer in headlights look that had entered his eyes when she told him the baby was on its way. He hadn't looked totally comfortable until after it was all over when it had just been the two of them getting to know Nathan, both mesmerised by how small he was, how perfect.

Tessa puts her phone down and makes her way to Nathan's room. He’s still asleep but he starts to stir when she lays down beside him, rooting towards her body. The cows that Scott crafted for him are on his bedside table, they’d played with them together last night before his bedtime story. She strokes his hair. “Good morning, baby. Do you know what day today is?”

He blinks his eyes open, yawning a little before his face breaks into a smile. “Mama!”

She kisses his forehead. “Today is your birthday! Do you remember what age you are now?”

His brows draw closer together in a little frown before he holds up three fingers proudly. “Three!”

“Yes, you are three today!”

“Big boy,” he says, puffing his chest out just a little.

“Yes,” she laughs, “my big beautiful boy.” He snuggles into her chest, a pleased smile on his face. The feeling of how blessed she is to have him overwhelms her, this longed for baby turned precious boy, the reason she managed to make it through those first few torturous months after Jonathan died. If he was here he’d be telling Nathan all about the day he was born, and how that was also the day his parents had met years earlier. He’d done that the last two years, them both sitting cross-legged on the carpet after taking Nathan out of his cot, passing him between them as they showered him with kisses and hugs. But now it’s just her.

“The day you were born was the happiest day ever for me and your dada.” Nathan lifts his head, a confused look on his face. She cups his cheek with her hand. “I’m sorry he’s not here.”

“Gone,” Nathan says, the word they’d thought was the best for trying to explain that death meant that Jonathan wasn’t coming back.

“Yes, he is gone.” There’s no point telling Nathan that his dad is still alive in their hearts. “But we can remember him and love him today, just like every other day.”

Nathan nods, “Love you,” he tells her before lying back down over her front.

“I love you too, my darling.” She resumes her stroking of his hair, enjoying how soft it feels. She wonders what the new baby’s hair will look like, dark like her and Scott most likely. But she should be concentrating solely on Nathan right now, on him and Jonathan. For this year it can still be a day just about the three of them. She’ll have the Bradys and her mom and Jordan over for cake this evening, but the big party will be on Saturday when her brothers and their families can make time to come visit. Right now it’s just her and Nathan and her stories of his dad. She clears her throat and starts to tell her son all about the day she and Jonathan met.

 

Nathan’s party is both easier and harder than Tessa expected. Easier because she’s so busy preparing everything and then making sure things go smoothly that Jonathan’s absence isn’t as biting as she assumed it would be. Harder maybe because of that, and because of the feeling that this is the end of an era. She’s at twelve weeks now, it’s almost safe to start telling people and the deadline for that is only going to come sooner if she and Scott are going to move their families in together. She feels guilty every time Marian puts an arm around her or gives her a quick hug throughout the morning as they set up for the party while Frank entertains Nathan. Marian can sense that something is bothering her, but naturally her mother-in-law assumes it’s just that she’s missing Jonathan. And she is, of course she is, but it’s so much more complicated than that.

Her mom, her brothers and their wives and families arrive all together, a little before the party is due to start. It all feels normal for a short while, her brothers teasing her about having everything so organised as they help her put out finger food for the adults, but then she wonders what they’re going to think after she tells them, what everybody else at the party will think. It’s a small enough gathering, just family and the Whites (who are basically family) and Ashley (who arrives with Jordan) and then some kids and parents from Nathan’s play group. Nathan had asked if Scott and the girls would be coming and she’d felt so sad to disappoint him, and guilty too because it feels strange that they’re not here, like they’re a secret she’s keeping from everyone else (which she supposes they are, for now). But it wouldn’t be fair to the Bradys to have them here and then tell them soon after what her real connection with Scott is. She wants them all to have one last family event together before she changes everything.

She’s thinking about how this is all a lot less hectic than CJ’s party had been (and getting a little worried about future parties to come remembering that one) when Tanith produces a bottle of white wine she must have stowed in the fridge seeing as Tessa hasn’t been keeping any there. Tanith pours a glass and hands it to her, “For the birthday mom,” before offering the bottle to the other women in the kitchen. Tessa’s sisters-in-law, as well as Kate and Marian, quickly accept while Jordan and Ashley both shake their heads.

“Tess and I are actually on a health kick right now,” Ashley says smoothly. “No alcohol allowed.”

“I’ll just take her glass,” Jordan suggests, removing it from Tessa’s hand and taking a sip.

The guilt settles in the pit of her stomach as she looks at her best friend and leaves out the truth. “Thanks, Tanith, but I want to try and keep going with this.”

Tanith smiles, but Tessa thinks there’s maybe a flicker of a question in her eyes. It becomes more than a flicker when it’s just the two of them in the pantry and Tessa is bending over the cake to put the candles on.

“Tessa,” Tanith whispers, her voice so tiny that Tessa really has to strain to hear her. “Your boobs.”

She looks down immediately, there’s no way they could be leaking, it’s too early and she’d feel that surely?

“They’ve only ever looked like that when you were pregnant!” Tessa had chosen a sweater over a more low-cut blouse specifically so people wouldn’t notice the change, but apparently she isn’t fooling Tanith. “Are you....” Tessa nods. There’s no point lying to her, and she wouldn't want to. Tanith takes a deep breath. “And are you happy about that?” Her tone is so gentle that it makes Tessa want to cry.

Happy seems like too big a word though. “I want this baby,” she whispers back. Tessa’s hand comes to her stomach, final birthday candle still pressed between two fingers.

A smile breaks out on Tanith’s face and she hugs Tessa close. “You’re going to be a mom again!” She lets out the smallest, quietest squeal. Tessa’s amazed at how excited Tanith is, like there’s nothing out of the ordinary about this at all. Her friend kisses the side of her head and then steps back. “You can tell me more later, if you want, after everyone else leaves. We need to get Nathan his cake first, right?”

“Yeah,” Tessa answers, a little dazed. Leave it to Tanith to spin her out and then bring her back in. “Cake first.”

Her little boy is so delighted with the buttercream sponge decorated with toy farm animals and a little barn over green frosting. Tessa gets choked up when she kneels down beside him to help him blow out his candles and there’s no Jonathan with her, but Jordan is there with one hand on her shoulder and the other rubbing her back.

Nathan’s lips turn green from all the cake Tessa is helpless to deny him and when it’s time for presents, he climbs off her lap to hug each person after he opens their gift, completely unprompted. Marian and Frank’s gift is the last to be opened, a fancy remote control tractor to go with the new barn set that Tessa got him, and even though Frank explains that it’s all charged up, ready for Nathan to play with, her beautiful _three_ year old decides to stay on his grammy’s lap and cuddle. That is, of course, until Tessa stands to start cleaning up the wrapping paper. Then Nathan climbs down to help, even when Tessa tells him it’s okay to go play with the kids. It’s only after a big hug and a kiss that tastes sweet that he goes off with Jenny and his other friends.

It seems to take forever for everyone to leave. She’s able to whisper to Jordan and explain that Tanith has found out and she wants to tell her the full story, so her sister manages to persuade their mom and brothers not to stay too long because they’ll have tomorrow all together anyway. Marian and Frank are determined to leave Tessa with a perfectly tidy house (and don’t seem to trust Tanith with wine glass in hand to help her get the job done), so it’s only after everything is returned to normal that they leave with lots of hugs and kisses and whispers about what a wonderful job she’s doing. It hurts to watch them leave.

Charlie has already headed home with the kids so it’s just Tanith waiting on her as she puts Nathan to bed, so tired that he drifts off before even deciding what story he wants. She kisses his head before she goes downstairs, murmuring that she hopes he had the best day.

Tanith has a new bottle of wine open on the coffee table in the living room. Tessa wonders if it’s one of her own or if Tanith came with two bottles of wine in her purse. “I’ll just drink it for both of us and then get an Uber home.”

Tessa laughs. “I didn’t miss it at all last time, but there have been quite a few times so far where I could have done with a drink.” Probably something a lot stiffer than wine, though.

Her friend scoots closer on the couch, putting her arm around her. “You can tell me as much or as little as you want. I love you no matter what.”

Her throat hurts and her eyes start to water. She remembers how happy she had been to tell Tanith she was pregnant with Nathan. Her eyes had watered then too but she had been buzzing with excitement. This time, it’s with a feeling of dread and confusion. She takes a breath. “Scott is the dad. I’ve been… I was seeing him. From April to the end of July.”

Tanith clicks her fingers, looking more smug than surprised. “I knew I was right to set you up.”

Tessa pulls back to look at her, Tanith’s arm dropping from around her shoulders. “You said it wasn’t a set up!” Tessa had never been as scared to tell Tanith as she was Charlie, maybe it was a juvenile way of looking at things but Tanith had always been _her_ friend, but she didn’t think she’d be making jokes straight away.

“It was a _pre_ -set up. I was just laying the groundwork.” She moves her head back and forth. “But obviously you’d already laid that groundwork. You always were ahead of the curve.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.” It feels like a trap almost, that it could be this easy.

“He’s been good about the baby?” Tanith questions. “Scott? I can’t imagine him not being good about it, he’s such a… dad.”

“Amazing,” Tessa says, warmth and wonder in her voice. “He’s always there to help and he’s so patient.” She smiles, relaxing a little further. It’s easy to just talk about Scott as a person. Not as someone in relation with her. “Did you see those cows Nathan was showing Jenny earlier?” Tanith nods. “Scott _made_ them for him.” She still can’t believe that, how much time and effort he’d put into those beautiful gifts.

“So he is good with his hands, huh?” Tanith reaches for the wine glass and curls her knees up under her chin. “I take back everything I said about telling me as little as you want. I need every damn detail.”

“Tanith!” She’s not sure why she’s so scandalized. This is exactly the type of person Tanith has always been. Maybe it’s the Jonathan of it all, the absence of him making her friend’s words seem indelicate and shocking.

“What?! I’m your best friend, these are the questions I have to ask! And I have _theories_. He’s very giving, very focused, exactly the type of man who knows how to treat a lady right.” In between her laughter about how ridiculous Tanith sounds, Tessa has to admit, at least to herself, that Scott really does know how to treat a lady right. “And he’s really hot, Tessa, and you’re really hot, I need a full rundown! I have seen his abs when his t-shirt rides up at practice sometimes and they are impressive!”

Tessa preens, can’t resist it. Her hand finds her stomach again, the minuscule little bump of hers that can’t even be called a bump just yet. It grounds her in a way that should be surprising. It should make her think of what she’s lost but instead it pulls her into what’s happening right in front of her. It reminds her that this is Tanith, her best friend, who is treating all this like a normal girl gab session, who is looking at her with only amusement and curiosity. Maybe she can finally share all the things she’s had to keep to herself, about how good Scott makes her feel, about how much she misses being with him like that. “I’ve done more than see them.”

“Oh, I bet your hands and mouth have been all over them.” Tanith takes a large gulp of wine.

“Not just my hands and mouth,” she sing-songs, stretching out her legs in front of her.

The blonde freezes. “Did you… Can you?” Tessa nods, mouth going a little dry as she thinks of Scott’s face staring up at her, his strong hands on her hips. “Fuck. I need to go home and try that out.” Tanith reaches for her phone and opens up the Uber app. Once she’s placed the order she settles back on the couch. “Maybe I can tell Charlie after I blow his mind.”

And like that, the fun side, the simple friends moment, is gone. Tessa almost wants to ask her to wait, at least until after the Bradys and her mom know, but she can’t ask Tanith to keep a secret like that from Charlie. From Jonathan’s best friend. “Is he…” She swallows hard, sinks heavier into the couch. “Do you think he’s going to hate me?”

Tanith pulls her in for a hug. “No, he couldn’t hate you. You’re like a sister to him. But...” she sighs, “I think it might take him a little while to get his head around it.”

“Me too,” Tessa says. “I… I never thought I’d be with someone else so soon. I hadn’t even got to the point of expecting to be with anybody else ever. But… it happened.” And she can’t regret it, no matter what. “I still love Jonathan, I always will.” She tugs at her sweater, one Jonathan had always liked because of how soft it felt on his hands. “I’m not ready to move on.” Sometimes it feels like she’ll never be ready to and how ridiculous of her to think that, when she spends time missing Scott too.

“And that’s okay.” Tanith gives her a tight squeeze. “But it’s also okay to feel something for someone else, and to enjoy that. He…” Tanith pulls at her ponytail. “I know you don’t like people talking about what he would or wouldn’t have wanted, but he would have wanted that for you.”

“Not now,” Tessa says. Her husband was generous, but he wouldn’t have been okay with this. If the tables were turned, she thinks Jonathan would’ve been a lot more respectful than she’s been.

“Probably not,” Tanith agrees, the same steady look of acceptance still on her face. “But that’s the way it happened. And maybe it’s not so much about moving on as moving along, taking those memories and that love with you as go forward.”

Tessa’s nodding until she remembers something. “Wait, isn’t that an All American Rejects song?”

“So what if it is?” Tanith bristles. “It’s still a good message! And that was a good album!” Her phones buzzes, letting them know that the car is here. “Ugh, I didn’t think it would be here so fast.”

“It’s okay, we can talk more tomorrow.” It’s probably best that they stop here. She needs some time to breathe and it’s been a long day. “I can tell you about what we’re planning then, I think we’ve been making good progress.”

Tanith grabs her arms. “You don’t need to prove anything to me, Tess. Of course I want to listen, but I already know you’re going to do everything you can to make sure this works out, you and Scott. I know you a lot better than I know him, but I know that you’re both good people and great parents.” She hugs her again. “This baby is _lucky_ ,” she says forcefully.

Tessa hides her face in Tanith’s neck. “Yeah?” Her eyes are starting to fill again.

“Definitely. It’s going to be so loved.”

That’s true. Whatever the other complications, the baby has two parents who love them. “I’m sorry I didn't tell you before. About Scott and the baby.”

“Don’t be. You needed to work through it yourself first.” Tanith hugs her once again at the door. “I can hear about it now that you’re ready.”

Tessa waits for Tanith to go out the gate and into the car, feeling lighter than she has most of the day when she closes the door. She goes into the kitchen and cuts a healthy chunk of cake for Scott and the girls. She had sent him a photo earlier in the day and promised to give him some when they meet up tomorrow.

She debates calling him as she uses her finger to scrape frosting from the knife, sweet glob of green tasting like heaven on her tongue. Food is starting to taste good again, mercifully, and she has no problem indulging while staring at her phone. There’s no point, really, to call him tonight. They’re seeing each other tomorrow, another hangout at his house once she and Nathan are done with church and a big family lunch. Anything she would say tonight can wait until then.

She should put the cake away and crawl into bed. Morning is going to come soon enough.

“Hey,” he answers, the phone only ringing twice before he picked up. She slumps down on the barstool, tension easing from her shoulders just at the sound of his voice. “How’d it go, kiddo?”

“Really good, I think.” Nathan was so happy and isn’t that all that matters?

There’s noise in the background, a heavy thud. She imagines him in that little shed she’s seen out behind his house, guilt creeping in at the idea that she’s interrupted him working before chastising herself. If he was bothered by it, he wouldn’t have answered she reasons. “And how are you feeling?” Very few people talk to her about her feelings without kids gloves on anymore, especially when it comes to anything involving the absence of Jonathan. Scott is sensitive to it but he understands in a way that no one in her life really can.

So she takes stock of how she feels and simply says, “I’m feeling everything all at once.”

Where others would frown and ask more questions, Scott sighs, sounding almost fond when he says, “That sounds exactly right.” It feels so different from her birthday and maybe it’s because all the emotional labor is for Nathan instead of herself. This day is about him turning three and that deserves nothing but the best. She tells Scott this and she can practically hear the nod in his voice. “Mollie and Becca’s birthdays were more draining than my own. They deserve to still have perfect days.”

Tessa couldn’t agree more.

She yawns before she can ask him about his day and he laughs softly, “You must be exhausted.”

They hang up not long after, his goodnight coming as she’s reaching the top of the stairs. She goes in to check on Nathan. He hasn’t moved a bit since he fell asleep, his curls in his face and his mouth parted, one arm wrapped around his stuffed cow and the other around the dog he got from Mollie.

She climbs into his bed, telling herself she just wants another quiet moment with him since she wasn’t able to get one at bedtime. She gathers him to her chest and he snuggles in easily, his content sigh music to her ears.

She falls asleep with her lips pressed against his forehead.

—

It’s a little scary, Scott thinks, how natural this all feels.

Mollie and Nathan are on the floor, coffee table moved out of the way so they can build a racetrack around the barn toy that Nathan’s brought over. They keep getting distracted, either by Marner who seems intent on helping the kiddos out despite Scott’s repeated commands to _sit_ and _stay_ , or by the movie, the one about a rainforest or something, that’s been playing on a loop since the girls got up this morning. Becca is pressed against the couch between Tessa’s legs, reading a book mostly silently, only speaking when she doesn’t know what a word means or isn’t sure on how to pronounce it. Tessa herself is crafting a crown of braids on Becca’s head. It’s amazing actually, when he stops sketching out the new hutch his mom asked him to build to watch them. Tessa weaves Becca’s hair together almost absentmindedly, her eyes more often than not on the kids or the tv. At one point he thinks she might actually be reading over Becca’s shoulder but she also starts singing along to one of the songs from the movie so maybe not. Or maybe she’s just that amazing.

Not that he didn’t know that already.

It’s natural that his mind drifts to Sarah then, though he wishes it wouldn’t. Scott thinks he could count on one hand the number of times they all hung out in the living room like this when she was healthy. A lot of the time their schedules didn’t match up with each other’s, and when they did spending time together as a family was never something that seemed to happen. He was always taking the girls out to his parents or heading out into his workshop alone and Sarah either took the girls out for pedicures or library trips. They never made a point to be together the four of them, and Scott can’t help but think he should’ve tried harder so that the girls could have those memories to look back on.

Unfolding his legs, Scott clears his throat, low enough to not disturb the kids but enough to get Tessa’s attention. “Would you mind if I step out a second?” He holds up his sketch pad. “I want to see if something will work.”

Tessa smiles, nice and easy as she nods. “Of course. Will you put the meatloaf in the oven on your way? It takes about an hour. The kids should be hungry by then.”

“Yes please,” Becca adds. “Are we having asparagus to go with it?”

Sides had been his job and he knew this was going to be the request of the night. “Of course. I’m even going to grill them a bit for you.”

Becca stomps her feet excitedly on the floor, her hands curling the pages of her book. “You’re the best, Daddy.”

Scott swallows hard around a smile.

With dinner in the oven, Scott heads out to his workshop, keeping the door propped open so he can see the back porch while he works. He had no plans to start on his mom’s project today but there’s a buzzing underneath his skin, his own shortcomings so close to the surface. How hard would it have been to just hang out with his family? To join them when Sarah took the girls out or skipped out on visiting his parents to just lounge with all three of his girls? And why the fuck does it seem so easy to do with Tessa when his girls deserved to have him do that with their mother?

He’s too riled up to cut anything so he pulls the tarp off the headboard he started for Becca last week. He can start sanding so that when he calms down a little, he can begin carving the design. The wood is in great shape for being reclaimed, not needing as much love as he expected, but he still works the sandpaper with the grain of the wood, taking care to look for any weak spots. If there are, he’ll just have to alter his design a little to incorporate it. There’s no sense in tossing a good piece that just has some character.

Satisfied with the sanding, he rummages around his work bench for a pencil. He pulls the rolling stool between his legs and settles down in front of the headboard. He sketches out a giant sunflower right in the middle, working outward to add vines and all the other flowers Becca had requested. He’s not too sure how his tulip comes out but there’s no point in fussing over it now, he’ll just wait for Becca to take a look later and give him the yay or nay.

He sets to work on the petals of the sunflower, grabbing his straight gouge and mallet from his set of carving tools. His hands move steady as the wood falls away from the design, his heart settling in his chest now. He gets the space around two petals done when someone clears their throat and his hands still when he looks up to see Tessa. “Has it been an hour already?” he asks. He goes to check his wrist like he wears a watch on a daily basis.

It makes Tessa laugh, or at least he thinks that’s what she’s laughing at. “No, it’s only been half an hour. I just thought I’d come check on you. Maybe see what you’re working on.” He doesn’t remember Sarah ever bothering to come out and look at his progress, only complimenting him fleetingly on the final result. Now he wonders if that was just because he hadn’t given her enough of a response when she tried in the beginning, had maybe made it clear that this shop was his space, his alone time.

Tessa’s still hovering at the door, looking around the shop with curiosity and trepidation. He waves her in. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ditch you with the kids.”

Tessa rolls her eyes. “You didn’t ditch me with the kids.” She’s careful as she walks in, which is for the best since he hasn’t given the floor a proper sweep in a while. Thankfully, there’s nothing too hazardous, just a few chunks of wood that he hasn’t pushed out of the way just yet. “I love hanging out with your girls and, well, I’m kind of completely taken with Nathan.” Her wink on the end of her sentence has him chuckling. She looks at the headboard, her eyebrows raising. “This is beautiful, Scott.” She reaches out, traces the ridge of a petal. “You really are so incredibly talented.” His thanks is murmured and subdued and Tessa‘s finger tilts his chin up, a tiny smile on her face and worry lines around her eyes. “You okay?”

The word ‘fine’ is already on the tip of his tongue but one look at Tessa and Scott knows that’s not going to be the right answer. There’s no reason for him to lie to her anyway. They’ve shared so much with one another that it seems stupid to bottle up now, especially since he’s only mad at himself. Besides, Tessa has always been honest about her feelings with him.

He lets out a breath, his shoulders hunching before he shrugs. “Sarah and I,” he starts, shaking his head, “we didn’t… we didn’t have days like this.” Tessa cocks her head to the side, a little line appearing between her eyebrows. “A lazy day with the kids. Just, hanging out at home and being together. It’s not something we did.”

The line on her forehead deepens. “No?”

“No.” He sighs. “You know that our marriage wasn’t great but this… this makes me feel like it was shitty.” He wipes his hands on his jeans only to realize there’s a bunch of dust on them. “Do the girls even remember the four of us together when Sarah was healthy? Or did we just fuck up and the only memories they’ll have of us as a family is when their mother was dying?”

“Oh, Scott.” Tessa rounds his workbench, pulling him into a hug that’s tighter than he expected. His arms wrap around her and his head rests on her chest when she starts stroking his hair back. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

A choked laugh escapes him. “It’s the exact opposite, Tess.”

“Well, I’m sorry for making you comfortable then!” That just makes him laugh harder, his arms squeezing her gently before he pulls back. “Do you want to take a step back?”

He shakes his head. “No, that wouldn’t be very good for all of us.” He sniffs. “Besides, I think the girls would riot if they didn’t get their Nathan time.”

“I’m well aware that’s the only reason they like me,” Tessa quips.

Scott clicks his tongue. “Shut up, you know that they adore you.”

A deep breath. “For now.” Tessa’s smiling but it’s strained and the only thing he can think to do is stand up and pull her into a hug this time. “But it’ll work itself out, won’t it?” He has to believe that it will and he tells her as much, feeling at ease even as she hugs him tighter. There’s a moment’s silence between them before she asks, “Do you still want us to stay for dinner?”

“Absolutely.” The girls are happy, Nathan is happy, the new baby is growing strong.

He’s not going to continue making the same mistakes. So, he asks Tessa to stay with him a little while and answers all her questions about what he’s doing and why. As they walk back to the house together after he thinks that he’d like to make her something, or maybe something for the baby. Something new.

—

This could be the last time she steps foot in this house. The thought makes her stumble on the way up the steps and a wave of nausea course through her so violently that she has to stop to breathe before they even reach the door.

Jordan stands at her side, fingers curled around Tessa’s elbow. Even without looking at Jordan, she knows the look her sister wears, pity and sadness mixed with worry (all of which have become old friends since last November) but overpowered by a stern and unwavering belief in her eyes, belief that Tessa is strong enough to do this.

She wonders what she ever did to make Jordan feel like she was worthy of that faith.

The door opens just as Tessa finds herself no longer at the precipice of gagging, her father-in-law standing tall at the top, his easy smile turning to a frown at the sight of the two Virtue women before him. “Tess, are you alright?” he asks, stepping out to help her in. She doesn’t need it but she selfishly leans into it, an arm wrapping around his waist in a side hug.

He’s always been so kind to her, more gentle with her than her own father. He reminds her so much of Jonathan and she aches at the realization even though she’s had the same thought over the years.

“Just a little under the weather,” she admits. She does her best to give him a smile. It does little to ease his worry but he smiles back at her from beneath his moustache.

He greets Jordan too with an affection built from the years they’ve known one another. Jordan seems more reserved than she normally would be and it hits Tessa that her indiscretions will likely ruin more than her own relationship with the Bradys.

Marian comes from the kitchen with a bright smile that shrinks upon seeing Tessa. She’s upon Tessa in an instant, hands cupping Tessa’s cheeks before one goes to rest on her forehead. “You’re so pale, darling.” Marian looks over to Frank who can only offer a small shrug to his wife. “Are you feeling well?”

Tessa shrinks under the scrutiny but manages to tilt her head from side to side. It’s then that Marian seems to notice Jordan and Tessa looks down at her feet so that she can’t see the exchange between them. There’s already a growing worry filling the room, a tension she’s not sure how to break. She thinks, not for the first time, that she’s gone about this all wrong. There’s nothing to do about it now, though, except to push through.

“Can we sit?” Tessa suggests. Marian nods and her touch falls away. Tessa can still feel her warmth and tries to memorize it.

It’s nice, she manages to think despite how much she knows this is going to hurt, to know that these are things she should savor. That she can remember clearly, vividly, the last time her in-laws handle her with care.

She can’t say the same about Jonathan. Had he kissed her goodbye that last morning? Had he given her one of those long hugs? Or had he just had to rush out?

“I’m going to get you some water,” Marian decides. She had sat down a moment ago, only to pop right back up. It’s a nervous habit of hers, something left over from an older generation or maybe a caring quirk, Tessa thinks. Always trying to make sure things are perfect, everyone is comfortable, even when things are about to crumble. Tessa’s not sure it’s ever eased the ache though.

“Or maybe tea? Jordan, would you like something?”

When Jordan declines, Marian flounders for a moment but Frank just gently takes Marian’s arm. “Sit down, my love.” It takes a little more prodding, but she does as he asks after a moment, sitting down at the dining room table next to her husband.

Jordan rubs her back. Tessa knows it’s meant to be soothing but it does nothing to ease the thundering of her heart or the churning of her stomach. “I don’t,” Tessa starts, and she cowardly shuts her eyes right so she doesn’t have to see the look on her in-laws’ faces. “I don’t know how to really say this.”

“You know you can tell us anything,” Frank says.

Marian puts her hand on top of Tessa’s and when Tessa opens her eyes, she focuses on that. “Are you… are you sick, darling?”

Tessa’s eyes shoot up to Marian’s and she shakes her head as she looks at Frank. “I’m not dying,” she asserts. Marian’s eyes flick to Jordan who maintains that Tessa is not about to meet the same fate as their son.

“What is it then, Tess?”

She takes a deep breath, head tilted towards the ceiling. She could speak the words now, their faces only in her periphery, but she owes them more than that. Looking directly at Jonathan’s mother, she says, “I’m pregnant.”

The happiness that lights up Marian’s eyes makes Tessa feel like the worst person on the planet. “I thought you used all the embryos on the last round,” she says, shocked but elated.

Tessa swallows hard, that’s not what she should have led with. It’s going to be even worse now. “We - we did.”

She hadn’t been with Marian when she was told that Jonathan had died but Tessa imagines that the hollowness that replaces every other feeling from her features is close enough to how she looked then.

Frank is quiet, eyes cast down, even as Marian tries to meet them. “I don’t understand.”

It takes everything Tessa has to _not_ burst into tears. She’s known for two months and she’s not sure she understands either. “I’m so sorry,” she cries, voice catching in her throat. She hangs her head before thinking better of it. They don’t deserve her hiding from them.

Marian removes her hand and the absence of her touch burns in a way Tessa wasn’t expecting.

Tessa watches as Marian retreats into herself, shrinking into the chair. She’s trying to get away and Tessa doesn’t blame her. A quick look to Frank shows little change. He’s still looking at her with the same concerned, patient eyes that she’s always known him to have, the only displeasure visible being the downturn of his lips and even then, his frown is partially hidden by his moustache. She takes a deep breath. Jordan raises a hand to wipe away the tears still making their way down Tessa’s cheeks but she brushes her sister away. She needs to get this out without being coddled. “I didn’t think this would happen, I, I never meant for this to happen. It wasn’t serious...” Not at the start. She can’t say the same for when the baby was conceived. She doesn’t know what would shock and hurt Marian more, Tessa being involved in a casual relationship or her developing feelings for someone else so soon after Jonathan’s death.

Marian starts shaking her head and her hands come to lay flat on the table, close enough to her body that Tessa knows better than to try and touch. “It’s barely been ten _month_ s,” Marian spits.

Jordan’s hand curls around Tessa’s arm. “Marian, I don’t think-”

“ _No_ ,” Marian yells. Jordan bows her head a little but leans closer to Tessa, chin hovering over her shoulder, like she wants to protect her. “It wasn’t serious,” Marian scoffs. Tessa knew this wasn’t going to go well but watching Marian like this… It hurts more than she imagined.

It’s obvious Marian wants to say more, her mouth opening and closing, eyes never once leaving Tessa’s face. “Marian,” Frank starts, gentle, but his wife is shaking her head again and this time she pushes away from the table.

“Hasn’t even been a year,” Marian mutters as she disappears into the kitchen.

There’s a loud clattering before the faucet turns on and then some music starts too. Loud enough, Tessa supposes, to drown out Marian’s tears.

Frank clears his throat. He shifts his weight and the wooden chair creaks under him. “Jo, can you give me and Tess a minute?”

She knows Jordan won’t go without making sure Tessa isn’t about to be fed to the wolves so she takes her sister’s hand and gives it a tight squeeze. Tessa doesn’t try for a smile but she gives a little nod to Jordan. “I’ll be in the living room?” With a kiss to Tessa’s temple, Jordan stands, sandals flopping down the hall.

“I’m _so_ sorry, Frank,” Tessa starts. She wrings her hands together before her fingers find her wedding ring, thumb smoothing over the exposed metal. “You have to know that.”

Frank nods as he scoots his chair closer to Tessa’s. “I do,” he says, soft. He reaches and takes her hands in his own, holding her with the utmost care. She thought that watching Marian’s disbelief and then her anger was bad enough but Frank’s gentle understanding is somehow worse. It makes her cry even harder, shoulders shaking despite herself, and Tessa squeezes her eyes shut. She hears Frank sigh then a creaking if the chair before she feels Frank’s arms wrap around her. “It doesn’t change a thing, Tess. Not for me.”

Her hands fist into his shirt, head tucked into the crook of his neck. She’s struck with the memory of Frank holding her the same way after she got her period after the second round of IVF. The two of them were just about to head out to the library when it happened and Frank had stayed with her until Jonathan got home. The memory makes her nauseous, or she thinks it does. She can’t tell what’s morning sickness or not anymore.“How can you say that?” Tessa cries.

He pulls back just enough so he can see Tessa’s face. “Because I know you,” he says. There are tears in his eyes but he‘s smiling too, a small little grin that doesn’t fully mask his sadness. “I know you’re a good person.”

Tessa scoffs. “I’m not so sure about that.”

Franks shrugs. “I am.”

“Crazy old man,” Tessa manages to tease, as if everything is okay. It makes Frank laugh anyway and he pulls her in close once more.

The music from the kitchen changes, a messy classical piece that Marian is so fond of but has always driven the rest of them crazy. She thinks that she can hear her mother-in-law’s sobbing under the clang of the piano and the frantic sliding of the strings. Tessa‘s eyes squeeze shut and she forces herself to focus on Frank’s steady breathing. His hand rubs her arm. Gently, he asks, “Are you happy?”

A loaded question, if there ever was one. “I don’t know,” Tessa admits. How can she be happy when the very thing she wanted is happening without the one person she wanted it with? “I… I always wanted more kids.” She just had never expected it to happen like this, with someone else.

She can feel Frank nod. “You’re such a great mother, Tess. You deserve as many babies as you want.” Frank pauses and Tessa leans into him further. This man has been more of a father to her than her own, but she’s still surprised that he is so supportive. She’s not sure she deserves this (immediately, she hears Jordan, hears Scott, telling her that she’s done nothing wrong). “Jon would want you to be happy…”

Tessa pulls back. “I’m not ready.” She knows it’s ridiculous to say given the state she’s in, but it’s the truth. She’s not ready to be happy without him. “It’s too soon.” She has moments with Nathan, with Jordan, with her friends. She has moments with Scott. She had moments with his girls too, but she worries those will be gone now, at least for a while. She can let herself be happy for little periods, but the idea of it as a global thing? An emotion she uses to describe how she’s feeling on a regular basis? She doesn’t know if she can accept that. How can she be happy when her husband is dead?

“That’s okay,” Frank says. His hand strokes her hair away from her face. “But there’s no such thing as too soon, Tess. Life is short enough. We learned that the hard way.”

She covers her face with her hands and tries not to hyperventilate. This acceptance, these reminders, they’re too much. “I don’t… I never wanted anyone but him. I never pictured anything else. I…”

Frank shakes his head. “You don’t need to tell me how much you love Jonathan. I saw it. I still see it.” Frank draws her in closer to him again. “I could never have asked for more from the person who loves my son.”

“You could have hoped for better than this. It hasn’t even been a year,” she sobs, Marian’s words echoing in her mind, worming their way in like one of those all too catchy songs Nathan likes.

Frank shushes her, hugs her tighter. “Things happen in their own time. And maybe there isn’t a rhyme or reason to it, but it’s happened all the same.” One of the hardest things, Tessa thinks, is having to learn that lesson. She’s no more ready to hear it now than she was back in November. Frank clears his throat. “How far along are you?”

Tessa licks her lips, sniffs when she feels her nose start to run again. “Thirteen weeks, just starting the second trimester.” She wonders if Frank is doing the mental math.

It’s strange to feel him shift beneath her, like he’s happy to hear that the baby is safe. “That’s great, and how have you been feeling? Have you been sick like last time?”

A humorless laugh escapes her as she sits back up. “Worse,” she confesses, glad not to have to hide that from him anymore. “It’s getting better though.” Or it had until this evening.

Frank squeezes her shoulder. “I’m sorry about that, Tess. Marian… she wondered if you were ill. She was worried about you. We both were.” Tessa wonders if Marian wishes that had been the truth now. “Have you… I’m sure Jordan has been helping, but do you have other people too?” His voice becomes more tentative, lower than it has been so far. “The, uh, the father? Has he been involved?”

“Yes,” she says simply. “He’s been very supportive.” She hopes telling Frank that will reassure him rather than sting. She takes a deep breath, unsure if she should tell him more but finds herself needing to, not wanting Frank to think she was careless, that she wasn't who they thought she was. “We met at the grief group I’ve been attending, he lost his wife to cancer.” Frank makes a murmur of understanding. She isn’t going to go into the nature of their relationship, for one thing she’s not sure of it herself, and for another it won’t be of any help to Frank. He doesn’t need to know when she first slept with someone who wasn’t his son, or when it became something more than just an escape.

Frank nods. He runs a hand over his mustache. “Does he have any children already?”

“Yes, two girls, they’re eight and five. He’s…” She takes a breath, unable to stop a small smile from taking home on her face. “Scott is a great dad. I would _never_ have let him become involved in Nathan’s life if I didn’t trust him completely.” She frowns, wanting to take that back. Scott is in Nathan’s life, will be so much more so now, but she doesn’t want Frank to think she’s trying to replace Jonathan. Scott isn’t in Nathan’s life as anything more than Tessa’s friend, their meetings prior to this baby always random and circumstantial.

Frank clicks his tongue. “I know that, Tess. You have good judgement.”

She wonders if she should offer to introduce them, so he knows the man who will be spending time with his grandson. But that would surely be hard for him and Scott, some twisted and macabre take on meeting the parents. She can't bring herself to tell him about the house yet, that they might be moving in together. She sighs, the physical and emotional exhaustion catching up on her.

Frank rubs her back. “You need to take care of yourself. How about you head home and rest now?” He keeps an arm around her as they make their way into the hall. Jordan pops out of the living room, she must have been listening out for them. Frank walks them both to the door, giving Jordan's arm a squeeze when she falls into step with them.

Marian doesn't appear. She looks regretfully in the direction of the kitchen. “Will you… Could you please tell Marian that I'm sorry? And that…” Her voice catches. “I love you both. You're so important to me.”

Frank hugs her again, like he's trying to give her his strength. “I know. And I promise that she does too. I'll see you soon, Tess, okay?”

“Yes,” she answers gratefully. She has the feeling she won’t be seeing Marian quite so soon though. She tries to keep her tears at bay, she doesn’t want to upset Frank with more crying.

He waves at them from the door as Jordan drives away. They’re quiet for a minute until her breathing gets louder and faster. There’s no more stopping the tears.

Jordan pulls in right away and grabs Tessa to her. “You were so brave. I’m so proud of you for telling them, I know it must have been so hard.” She kisses the side of Tessa’s head. “And Frank seems to have been really understanding, you had a good talk, yeah?”

“He was so kind. Too kind.”  She feels her sister shaking her head. “But Marian… She’s already been through so much and I’m causing her more pain.” How could she have been so callous as to just say she was pregnant? Jordan had assumed it was somehow Jonathan’s, she should have foreseen his mother would presume that too.

“Not intentionally. You would never set out to hurt her. And this is going to be hard for her, but she loves you, Tessa.” Marian had loved her, she’s not sure how long that will last. This could sour everything.

“And now I have to tell Mom,” she sighs, bone-weary.

“You don’t have to do that now, it can wait,” Jordan urges.

Tessa shakes her head. “I want to get it over with, I can’t put it off now that the Bradys know. And she’ll see I look a mess and want to know why the minute I walk in the door.” She hopes Nathan is asleep by now, she doesn’t want to upset him.

Jordan releases her and starts the car again, driving at a safe, steady pace. For once Tessa actually wants to go faster, to get home and rip off this bandaid. She thinks her mother will judge her for moving on so quickly, she had loved Jonathan so much.

When they get into the house their mom is in the living room, tucked up under a blanket Tessa had paid too much money for. Nathan’s steady breathing can be heard over the monitor. Kate looks up from her book and rises to her feet immediately. “Tessa, what’s wrong? Did something happen with Marian and Frank?” Her mom looks past her, no doubt trying to get some sort of confirmation from Jordan. “Is one of them sick?”

She lets herself sink into her mother’s arms, the ever-present scent of Chanel No.5 taking her back to sitting on her mom’s lap when she was little and the smell of it lingering around their little apartment when she was older, the one luxury her mother allowed herself, making the bottle last longer than it had any right to. “It’s not Marian and Frank. It’s something I had to tell them.” She bites at her lip and then cowers, all her bravery used up at the Bradys’. Keeping her head tucked against her mom’s neck, she says, “I… I was seeing someone.” Another deep breath. “And now I’m pregnant.”

Her mom stiffens, but holds Tessa tighter, walking them both over to the couch. She can hear Jordan following them and sitting down beside her but she hasn’t opened her eyes yet. “How far along are you, darling?” her mom asks, she’s trying to keep her voice gentle but Tessa can hear the anxiety underneath, can hear her mind spinning.

“Thirteen weeks.”

“Oh.” Is that disappointment now? Or confusion? She hasn’t always been the best at telling what her mom is feeling. “And what do you want to do?” This isn’t going at all how she imagined it would.

“She’s having the baby,” Jordan says, clearly implying that this should be obvious.

Her mom takes her hand and gives it a squeeze, pulling back to that Tessa is forced to look at her.  “Are you _sure_ that’s what you want, Tessa?”

“Of course it is,” Jordan interjects before Tessa can begin, her voice rising a little. “Do you not remember how hard she tried last time?” Tessa wishes she was quieter.

“How could I forget that?” Her mother grits out, glare sharp in Jordan’s direction. “And keep your voice down, your nephew is sleeping.” Out of the corner of her eye, Tessa can see Jordan look guilty about that. After a moment’s pause, Jordan murmurs that she’s going to check on Nathan. Tessa mouths a thank you as she gets up to go and Jordan smiles, kissing Tessa’s forehead before she leaves the room.

Her mom sighs, pushes her hair out of her eyes. “That was a different situation, when you were in a long-term relationship,” she says calmly. “You have been through so much this past year, there would be nothing to be ashamed about if this was too much to handle,” she looks at Tessa, taking her cheek in her palm, “nothing. You shouldn't feel like you have to go through with this pregnancy just because you had a hard time conceiving in the past. There will be... “ she pauses, her tone softening, “if you want there to be, you will have other chances later on.”

This isn’t the reaction she’d been expecting. She’d been preparing herself for tears and recrimination, but all she’s got is her mother wanting her to take care of herself. And now she feels like she’s let her mom down in a different way. Tessa squeezes her hand. “Don’t worry about that, please, Mom. I want to have this baby, I do.” She manages a smile, nodding a little. “I couldn’t think of doing things any other way. Even though…” Her tears return as she thinks about Marian. “I know it’s going to be hard. It already is hard.”

Her mom pulls her in to her side “Oh, Tess. I’m sorry.” She kisses her head, and then a breath of excitement. “But you’re going to have a baby!”

Tessa laughs, and the movements sends more tears streaming down her face. “Yeah. I am. You’re going to have another grandchild.”

Her mom hums. “And Nathan will have a little brother or sister. They’re so lovely at that age, they need you so much.” Her mom’s voice is fond and wistful. It’s no surprise that Tessa is one of four, just listening to her mom talk.

“The baby’s due in April,” she tells her as she sits back up.

Tessa can already see the wheels turning in her mom’s eyes. “So you have lots of time to plan.” She settles a bit at the approval in her mom’s tone. “What about… Is…”

Clearing her throat, Tessa shifts and crosses her ankles. “The dad is very involved. It’s, um, it’s Scott,” she sighs. “From my bereavement group.”

“The widower with the two girls?” Of course she remembers.

She nods. “Yeah. So that’s…” Tessa lets out a heavy breath, “balancing everything is going to be hard.”

Her mom pushes a strand of hair behind Tessa’s ear. “Yes, but it’s good to have a partner to help share the load. I…” She stops, and it’s now that her voice begins to quiver. Tessa finds herself squeezing her mom’s hand now in an effort to keep her present. Selfishly, she needs her mom to stay focused on her. “I don’t need to tell you that.”

“I miss him so much,” she whispers, her throat aching.

“I know you do. We all do.” Her mom is stroking her hair now and it reminds Tessa of how she used to put it up for her before school every day until Tessa learned to do it herself. “But… We can’t stay still. It… that doesn’t help.” Tessa can’t tell if her mom is talking about her own grief or her divorce.

“I know. It’s just… It’s hard sometimes.” It’s not that Tessa wanted to stay still, that meant staying firmly in the loss of Jonathan, but this? Tessa blows out a low breath. There’s no standing still now though, not when there’s a baby growing inside her and moving her ever forward. “It’s really difficult to know what the best thing to do is, for this baby, and for Nathan and Scott’s girls.”

“And you as well,” her mom says. “You need to think about what’s best for you too.” Tessa suddenly remembers when it was just the three of them, her mom not coming back until it was nearly time for her and Jordan to go to bed, dead tired from work. How she’d so rarely done anything for herself.

“I don’t even know what that is.” She tucks herself in a little closer to her mom. Her life has become so complicated, and sometimes it feels like she’s been dragged in all sorts of different directions. Is this what her mom felt like after the divorce? “We… We’ve been talking about the possibility of moving in together.”

Her mom is silent for at least a minute, Tessa’s anxiety growing with each second, until she says, in a tentative voice, “Well, you must really trust him if you’re thinking about living with him.” There’s maybe a little doubt there, but no judgement. It’s enough to make Tessa sag in relief. “I know you’d never risk anything when it comes to Na- to your children.” There’s a touch of wonder in her mother’s tone at that. “But… that’s a big step, darling.”

Tessa nods. She leans back into the couch with a sigh, her hands coming up to rub at her forehead. “I know. We haven’t… it’s nowhere near finalised yet. His girls… they’re eight and five so it would probably be more of an adjustment for them?” Tessa closes her eyes. “We wouldn't do it unless they were completely comfortable with the idea, Nathan too of course.”

Her mom pulls Tessa’s hands to her lap only to bring her own hand up to rub at her daughter’s temple. “I take it he’s met Nathan before?”

“Yes. It happened by accident before… before I found out I was pregnant.” She’s quick to open her eyes and look at her mom. Her head throbs a little more. “It wasn’t that I was introducing him or had him around the house when Nathan was here.” She’s being too defensive she knows, her mom hadn’t even suggested anything like that. “They’d met at CJ’s birthday party and then one of his soccer practices, but after we found out we thought it would be good for the kids to get to know one another, so, Nathan’s been seeing more of him.” She thinks of how patient Scott always is with her son, how kind and encouraging. “He’s really good with him, Mom,” she says earnestly. “He’s a great dad to his girls too, they just adore him.”

“That’s good, Tessa.” Her mom smiles and it’s almost enough to distract Tessa from the fear in her eyes. “As long as you’re thinking everything through and taking it slowly. No marrying him anytime soon, okay?”

Tessa thinks this is a joke. But her mom (and later Jordan, in a weirdly similar speech) had taken her aside a few days after Jonathan proposed to ask her if she was sure and to remind her that she was very young to be getting married. “We’re not… Doing anything anymore. It didn’t seem sensible, not when we had so much to decide and weren’t… This wasn’t what we were expecting to happen.”

She yawns, her eyes drooping. It’s been such a long few hours. Her mom scoots closer and kisses the top of her head. “That sounds like a good choice. And I think a good choice for you now would be to go to bed. Telling the Bradys… that must have been difficult.”

Tears prick at Tessa’s eyes again. “Frank was so understanding, but Marian… She was so upset.”

Her mom, thankfully, doesn’t ask for any more details, just nods. “It might take her some time.” Her mom rubs her hand up and down Tessa’s arm. “Would you like me to stay tonight, or your sister?”

She considers it for a moment, but then decides against it. “No, thank you though, but I’ll be okay. I just want to go up to bed and sleep.” She also wants to be able to call Scott once he finishes with work without either of them hanging around.

“Okay. Just call if you need anything.” Her mom stands up and then Jordan comes through the door.

“Nathan is fast asleep,” she informs them, even though they know this already from the sound of his breathing through the monitor. Jordan is rubbing her hands on the sides of her pants.

“I’m going home now,” their mom says. She hugs Tessa again, “You’ve done so much this year, Tess. We’ll get through this too.” At least this will come with happiness at the end, not just hope for the acceptance that her husband is gone, an invisible golden sticker for grieving well.

Her mom strokes Jordan’s arm as she moves past her and they follow her out to the door. Once she’s driven away Jordan asks, “How was it? How was she?”

“Good,” Tessa says, still working through her own lingering surprise at how relatively well it had gone. “She was really calm.” But then again, her mom always is in times of crisis. It’s after that she seems to struggle a little, when there’s not something that needs doing right away.

Jordan smiles, a little awkwardly. “That’s great, Tess. I’m glad it went well. Do you want me to stick around and talk it over?”

“No, thanks. I’m going to call Scott and then go to sleep.” She doesn’t mind admitting this to her sister. Tessa pulls her in tight for a hug. “Thank you so much for being there for me. For always being there for me.”

Jordan cradles the back of her head. “Nowhere else I’d be.” She drops the seriousness, teasing now as she pulls back to look Tessa in the eyes. “Don’t stay up too late talking, okay?”

Tessa swats at Jordan’s shoulder. “We’re just going to be talking over how telling the Bradys and Mom went!” How on earth would that get her in the mood?

“Mmm-hmm.” Jordan sounds very sceptical. “I remember how you got during your second trimester last time around.”

Tessa splutters. “This is different! Scott and I are… we’re keeping things…” She decides guiding Jordan out of the door seems a good option. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”

She can still hear her sister’s ringing laugh after she shuts the door. Tessa smiles, and then feels a little guilty about that. She’d upset Marian earlier this evening, she shouldn’t be enjoying herself now. Upset doesn’t even cover it really, she’d upended their relationship. Her phone buzzes and she opens the notification to see a message from Scott letting her know that he’s off work now if she wants to talk. It scares her a little, how much she wants to hear his voice.

He answers after two rings. “Hi Tessa. How are you?”

It sounds like he’s in a moving car and this distracts her from answering. “Are you driving?!” Surely he can’t be, he’s so careful on the road.

“Handsfree,” he says gently. “I’m not entirely sure how it works, but the phone connects to the minivan.”

She puts her hand over her heart. “Sorry.” Of course. She can do that in her car too. “I’m…” She takes a deep breath that jutters on the exhale. “Telling my mom went better than I thought, and Frank too, but Marian…” She turns away from the hall table with all the family photos of happy days when they were all together, she can’t look at them right now when she’s so far removed from them.

“Do you want me to come over? I… I understand if you don’t.”

She’s not sure if she should want that, but she very much does. “I don’t want to keep you away from the girls.” She knows they’re probably asleep by now, but still. His mom might need to get away or Becca or Mollie might wake up and need him.

“They’re staying at Danny’s tonight. I, uh, I thought maybe you might need someone to talk things over with afterwards and, well, I’m going to be telling the girls soon and I wanted them to have a good weekend and a sleepover with their cousins sounded like a nice Saturday night plan.”

Her tongue feels thick in her mouth. He’s so thoughtful. “Okay. Please. If you want.”

“I’ll be there soon, Tess.”

She goes to the bathroom while she waits, washing her face to try and cool down her eyes. They’re sore from crying but she doesn’t think she’s done for the night. Her assumption is proven right when she starts crying again on opening the door to Scott. He bundles her into his arms, soothing hands on her back and in her hair. She buries her face in his shirt, breathes in the smell of his soap. “I’m sorry, Tess. I’m so sorry you had to do that.”

“I think I did it the wrong way,” she murmurs into his chest, feeling it contract and expand, and finding that with each breath she takes hers slow to meet his rhythm until their patterns synch.

Scott puts both hands on her back, palms pressed into her shoulder blades. “How about we go sit down?” he says. He doesn’t try for a smile, just looks at her with so much worry and concern. It’s more comforting than Tessa thought it would be. “Do you want anything to eat or drink?”

“No.” She tugs him towards the living room and then pauses, “Do you?”

“You don’t have to be a host,” Scott says as he shakes his head. “You said you think you did it the wrong way?” he asks softly once he’s led her back to the couch.

She curls into his side. “I just said that I was pregnant, and then… Marian thought there had been an embryo left over that I had implanted. She- she thought it was Jonathan’s baby. She had this moment of hope and then I ruined it for her.” He murmurs something into her hair and she holds on tighter to him, pulling at the collar of his shirt the way Nathan does to hers. “I should have thought that might happen, Jordan asked the same thing when I told her.”

“I’m so sorry,” he says again, like somehow this is his fault when it’s her mess.

“And after… ‘It hasn’t even been a year’ she said.” It hasn’t even been a year and Tessa is into the second trimester of a pregnancy with someone else.

He lays a kiss to her hairline and then withdraws his head a little, like he’s rethinking this. She wishes he wouldn’t. He clears his throat. “You said it went better with your father-in-law though?”

“Yeah.” God, how much worse would she be if he hadn’t been so understanding? “Marian went out to the kitchen and then we talked just the two of us. He said… he said that he knew I was a good person.” It sounds false on her tongue.

“You are,” Scott insists. “You’re nothing but good.” She doesn’t want to argue with him, and she certainly doesn’t want to imply that he’s not a good person for doing the same thing she’s been doing when he so clearly is. She rests her head on his chest as a huge yawn overtakes her body.

Scott strokes her hair. “You must be exhausted.” Tessa just nods, her head feels so heavy. “Maybe talking isn’t what you need right now, sleep might help?”

Sleep sounds so good, but she doesn’t want to move from where she is. She wants to stay with him, not have to go up to her empty bed. But she’ll just get uncomfortable if she tries to sleep here on the couch. “Could you…”  She can’t ask that of him.

He’s quiet before whispering, “I could go up with you, if you wanted. Wait until you fell asleep.”

How is it that he knows what she wants without her having to say it? “Is that… is that too much?”

Scott shakes his head. His fingers thread through her hair, massaging her scalp. “No, it’s not. I just want to be here for you.” He keeps his arms wrapped around her as they make their way up the stairs and waits for her in the hallway when she goes into Nathan’s room to check on him. Her baby smiles when she kisses his forehead but stays fast asleep.

Scott sits on the edge of her bed facing away from her as she changes. She almost tells him not to bother, that it doesn’t matter because he’s seen it all before anyway. But it does matter. If he was watching her she’d want him touching her. She can’t go there, especially not tonight.

After she returns from brushing her teeth in the ensuite, he asks “Do, uh, will I sit here with you?”

She climbs into bed. “You could… you could lie down with me. If you wanted.”

She turns on her side and he mirrors her at her back. She lets herself sink into him and then reaches for his hand and puts it over her stomach. They haven’t done this yet, it’s not like either of them will be able to feel the baby move for a few more weeks, and she feels a little self-conscious with her belly in some bloated midway point between what it was and a proper bump. She wants the reminder for both of them, that they’re going through these difficult conversations for this baby, that it will all be worth it in the end. It has to be.

He splays his fingers out over her stomach, like he wants to be sure to be close to the baby wherever it is, and places his head in the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry today was so hard for you. I hope tomorrow is better.”

She lines her hand over his, slipping her fingers into the spaces between his own. “Thank you for being here.”

Tessa can’t quite tell if he leaves a kiss on her neck or it’s just a movement of his head, but she doesn’t want to question it when it comforts her. So she just breathes in and out like he’s doing until she falls asleep with him safe around her.

—

Scott wishes he didn’t have to tell the girls alone. He knows it’s the best way to do it (if there can be a best way), but now that the time is here he wants Tessa to hold his hand, or to hold him close before he calls the girls into the living room. Or Sarah. It would be so much easier if Sarah was here. It’s probably all kinds of fucked up to think about, but between them they’d know how to explain this. Sarah would keep reminding him not to dress things up but to be honest, even if it was hard. She’d been the calm one when they’d had to tell the girls bad news, the one who could get through conversations without her voice cracking. He needs her clear head and her strength.

He still imagines it sometimes, what it would have been like if she never got sick. They’d probably have been divorced long enough to be in a good routine by now, maybe they’d meet for coffee to discuss how the girls were doing and what was happening in their own lives. He pictures telling her about Tessa and the baby in the hospital cafeteria and her tapping him on the head and telling him he was an idiot for letting that happen again. But she’d help him with what to do next, with how to talk to the girls and how to arrange things with Tessa. It would be so much easier if Sarah was here.

(But if Sarah was here, wouldn’t Jonathan be too? And if Jonathan was alive they wouldn’t be in this situation.)

Scott gets up. If he keeps delaying the girls will be up too late, they’re going to need lots of time for questions and to decompress afterwards. He’s a little surprised to find Mollie sitting at the kitchen table beside Becca, she must have decided to come inside to colour instead of staying out with Marner. Becca is going over her spellings for an upcoming test, though he knows they’re all second-nature to her, she’s reading higher than her grade level and so confident when it comes to her writing skills.

He thinks the living room would be a better place to have this discussion, they can all curl up on the couch and he can tuck one under either arm. “Hey girls. You getting on okay?” They both smile up at him, Mollie with a tiny dot from a pink marker on her chin. “Could you come into the living room with me?” His voice is as light as he can make it, a small smile that he knows looks more nervous than he wishes it did. “I have something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Clearly this was the wrong thing to say because both their faces take on looks of worry, Becca’s fingers immediately going to her mouth while Mollie’s bottom lip begins to tremble. “Is someone sick?” Mollie asks. The hand that isn’t up by Becca’s mouth reaches for Mollie’s. “Are you sick?”

He crouches down beside her, pulling her into his arms. Of course this is where their minds went, he was so stupid not to anticipate that. “No, baby, I’m so sorry for making you and Becca worry. I’m fine.” He looks over at Becca too, gives a little nod. “Everyone is fine.”

Mollie tucks her head in beside his neck while Becca is still frowning at him. “Promise?”

Scott scoops Mollie up in his lap so he can sit down beside his eldest, reaching out to take the hand away from her mouth and hold it carefully in his. “Promise. I want to talk to you about something that’s a change,” he starts, careful to avoid the words he and Sarah used when they told the girls she was sick. “And it will take us some getting used to, but it’s not a bad thing.” He so needs to believe this won’t be a bad thing for his girls. Not in the long run.

Mollie turns around in his lap so that she’s facing her sister. Becca puts her books to the side and looks up at him, eyes wide and serious. He takes a breath before beginning. “Tessa is going to have a baby.” Becca’s face brightens, no doubt excited at the prospect of another baby to dote on, and then, his bright little girl connects the dots, faster than even he thought she would. Her face darkens, eyes stormier than he’s seen in a long time. “And I’m the baby’s dad.” His eldest drops his hand and looks away. Mollie swivels her head round to look at him when it’s clear Becca won’t look at her, confusion written all over her face. “So this baby will be your little half-brother or half-sister and they’ll be born in April, six months from now.”

Mollie squirms in his lap and he tries to answer some of the questions that are for sure bubbling in both her and Becca’s heads. Becca won’t look at him, is just staring at the table. “This isn’t going to be like the other moms and dads you know because Tessa and I aren’t married, and we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re friends, and we love this baby very much. And we love you and Nathan very much and want to be good at our jobs as your parents too.”

Becca’s shoulders are curling inwards but he doesn’t know if he should reach out and touch her,  that mightn’t be what she wants right now. Mollie seems to be mulling things over, frowning the way she does when she tries to tie her laces, when she pipes up with, “Are we all going to live in the same house?”

Well, that answers the dilemma over whether to bring that up or not. “That’s something we haven’t decided yet. We want to hear what you girls think, and how you feel about everything.” He tries for a smile. “We want everyone to be happy and that means you telling us what you want.”

“No,” Becca growls, her voice harsher and firmer than he’s maybe ever heard. She pushes her chair back from the table with a screech so loud it makes Marner start barking outside. “No.”

His arm tightens around Mollie as he nods at Becca, trying to keep his own emotions in check. Becca has never pulled away from him like this, not ever, and it hurts just as much as he feels excited about having another baby. “We’re just talking about things right now, Becca, we want to…”

“I hate this!” she shouts. She looks him straight in the eye. He can see every emotion on her red face, her blue eyes shiny with unshed tears. “I hate it!” And then she runs down the hall and up the stairs, her bedroom door slamming shut well before he could have expected her to reach it, the bang setting Marner off again.

A hand fists in his shirt. “Why is Becca so angry, Daddy?” Mollie asks, her voice so much smaller than usual. “I thought she liked babies?”

Scott isn’t sure he expected this kind of anger, tears maybe, or a raised voice, but not the scrunched up face and the slamming of doors. “Becca does like babies, Mol.” He knew that this was going to be hard to process but Scott had honestly hoped that the fact that Becca adored babies would soften her just enough to keep her from crying. He should have known better. Becca has always been his emotional one. “She just wasn’t expecting to hear about this one. It might take her a little while to get used to the idea.” Or a long time, judging by that reaction. Scott is torn between rushing up the stairs and letting her have her space, but he thinks it’s best to go for the latter option. She needs a moment to breathe, some time to cool down. And Mollie needs some attention on her too, she has to be just as confused even if she’s expressing it differently.

“How are you feeling about the news?” he asks, voice gentle. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

Mollie nods, looking more at ease than she had earlier. There’s still that rumple of confusion playing along her eyebrows. She stays quiet for just a moment. “Does this mean I’m a big sister now?”

“Yeah,” he laughs, “it sure does.” He should have known that’s where Mollie would go first. He can hear her now, yelling back at Becca that she’s a big sister too so Becca can’t boss her around.

Mollie swings her legs, considering, and he just grins and bears it when her heels repeatedly hit off the calf he’d bruised on a drawer helping to put out a kitchen fire yesterday. “Am I Nathan’s sister too?”

Huh. This is probably something he should have gone over with Tessa. He would love for the kids to consider themselves siblings but it’s not just his kids involved in this and he doesn’t want to step on any toes, to make a mess of things when he can just wait it out. “No,” he says carefully. “But he will be this baby’s half-brother. And you’ll be spending more time with him so, uh, it will be like being in the same family.” Mollie looks unimpressed with his answer. “I know it’s confusing.”

Mollie hums, whether in agreement or because she’s trying to figure things out he’s not sure. She reaches for her colouring book again, a Disney Princess one his brother Charlie had got her. “And we’ll be spending more time with Tessa?” The excitement in her voice is plain as day.

“Yes.” He’s so relieved that at least one of his daughter’s is reacting well so far, he hadn’t been expecting a response this easy. So maybe Becca’s is harder, to balance it out.

She opens up a marker, green, and starts to fill in Ariel’s tail. “She gives great hugs,” Mollie says. “Mommies always give great hugs.”

He pulls her in tight against him again, kissing the top of her head. “Your mommy did, didn’t she?”

“Yup. Probably the best.” She reaches for her little pencil case, pulling out a purple pencil. “Yours are good too, Daddy.” She smiles up at him, all soft eyes and understanding. Maybe she’s more wise than he gives her credit for. Or maybe it’s just that kids have it figured out and it’s adults who make a mess of things.

It’s then that his throat closes up, the emotions becoming too much for him before he can even make his way upstairs to try and talk to Becca. “Thank you, baby.” He doesn’t deserve this little girl, doesn’t know how he’s been so blessed with both his daughters and now another baby on the way. “Will you let Marner in and colour here for a little bit? I have to go upstairs and talk to your sister.”

“Okay.” She slips off his lap and heads to the back door, Marner already pushing his snout against the glass. “You should tell her not to slam doors. You were cross with me for doing that.”

He swallows down an unexpected laugh. “Come get me if you need anything.”

His legs are heavy as he heads up to the girls’ room, not knowing what awaits him, or how best to approach Becca. His heart cracks when she says, “I don’t want to see you,” after he knocks on the door.

“I’m sorry, honey.” He lets his head fall against the wood. “I get why you feel like that, but I want to make sure you’re okay.” He waits for her sigh of ‘yes’ (it takes a good minute or two to come) to let himself in.

Becca has stuck her head underneath her pillows, her pyjamas now lying on the ground rather than neatly folded underneath them. Scott sits down at the bottom of her bed. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m just going to sit here with you.” He holds his hands in his lap so he’s not tempted to reach out. “But if you want a hug, I would love to give one to you. Whatever you need, I’m here, baby.”

“I’m _not_ a baby!” she wails. Her voice is sharp and clear despite the bedding in the way. “I’m eight!” Her legs kick a little against the floral print bedspread.

Her shoulders are shaking she’s crying so hard. It sends him back to the night that Sarah died, when he couldn’t do anything to calm her, when she cried so hard she threw up. He wants to respect her space but he can’t just sit here anymore. He softly puts his hand on her back, only starting to stroke when she doesn’t shrug him off. “I’m sorry, Becca. You’re definitely not a baby.”

She takes a big, gulping sob, one that makes him anxious that she’s not getting enough air. She pulls her head out from beneath her pillow, hair crazed and face even more red and wet than it was downstairs. “You have a new baby now. You won’t care about me and Mollie anymore.”

Nothing has hurt this much in the longest time. Scott lies down beside her, pulling her against his chest. She comes to him easy, thank god. “I love you and Mollie more than anyone else in this world, and that will never change, Becca. Never.” He’s trying to speak calmly, to not let his own emotions take over. He needs to be strong, but it’s so fucking hard. “I love this baby too, but that doesn’t make any difference to how I feel about you two. I told you when Mollie came along that I still loved you just as much as I always did.” Her sobs have died down a bit, but she’s still shaking. He’s trying to think of a way to explain this, a way to make things clear for her. “I have a space in my heart that’s just for you, and when Mollie came along I grew another space just for her. And now I’ll have a space that’s just for this baby. Those spaces are like little rooms right beside each other, all connected but all different. A special one for each of you.”

“You have one just for me?” she murmurs.

“I do. Yours was my first one, because you’re my first ba- my first child. The day you came into the world was the best day of my life, Becca, the very best,” he explains reverently. “And then the same for when Mollie was born.” There was something extra special about holding Becca for the first time though, like he could feel the world around him changing, or himself changing as the world waited. It was like he’d been given a stronger purpose than he’d ever felt before, not even at work, or with his family.

Becca hiccups as she tries to take deep breaths and it’s only after she manages to stop exhaling noisily through her teeth that she pulls back from where she’s buried her face in his shirt. “I don’t want to live in Tessa’s house,” she says, with a stubbornness that he associates more with Mollie than her.

“We don’t know if we’ll be moving yet, and we wouldn’t be living in Tessa’s house, we’d find a new place for all of us.” It’s a plan he’s not so sure of right now.

“I like our house.” She sounds so piteous, as upset as he’s heard her in a long time.

Absentmindedly, he pats her back. “I like our house, too. We all have to figure out the best thing to do.”

They’re both quiet for a little while, Becca’s breathing calming down even more, landing somewhere close to normal. She’s playing with the button on his shirt, thumb sliding over the slick material. “I thought Tessa was my friend,” she says bitterly.

“She is, Becca.” He can’t believe that in all of this, this is where Becca’s doubts have fallen. “She thinks you’re fantastic and I know she likes talking about books with you.” He’s so glad Tessa isn’t here now.

Becca shakes her head. “She was only here for you and…” He doesn’t quite get this, Tessa had always been here originally because of being his friend. “And the _stupid_ baby.”

He wants Becca to express herself, but he thinks that needs to be curbed right away. “I know you’re upset, sweetheart, and that’s completely fine, but that’s not an okay way to talk about the baby, or about anyone.” His voice is calm but firm. “We use kind words, remember? The baby is only tiny and it’s done nothing wrong.”

Her bottom lip trembles. “I’m sorry,” she says, new tears fresh on her face and his shirt.

Scott sighs and holds her tight. “I’m sorry, too. I know this is a big change.” It’s on the tip of his tongue to say he didn’t mean for it to happen, but that would lead to a whole other set of questions that lack appropriate answers.

He hears footsteps and paws making their way up the staircase. Mollie bursts in the door, Marner running ahead of her to climb straight up onto Becca’s bed. He’d tried for maybe two weeks to keep Marner as a downstairs dog, but the Akita had no respect for Scott’s rules, and the girls were firmly on the dog’s side. Marner snuggles in beside Becca and Mollie pops herself onto the bed too, sitting on Scott’s legs. There’s no other space available on the little twin bed.

“Marner wanted to make Becca feel better,” Mollie announces. “And say that he likes Nathan riding on his back and the baby will be even littler so the baby can ride on his back too!”

Marner noses at Becca’s arm and she is quick to let his head come to her chest and snuggle into his fur. “The baby will be too small, Mollie,” Becca says, rubbing her snotty nose with her sleeve. It surprises him almost as much as it had when Tessa did that at group that time.

Scott pulls his youngest down so that she’s lying on his side as opposed to sitting on it. “We need to be careful with babies because they can’t look after themselves,” he explains. “You’ll need to look out for her or him like you do with Nathan, and like Becca does for you.”

“I’m a good helper, Tessa said so!” Mollie sounds so proud about this.

“You are,” Scott agrees. He wants to encourage Mollie but he also saw how Becca frowned at Tessa’s name, or maybe at the way Mollie was speaking about her. He’d been more prepared for Becca being upset with him, not with Tessa. “You both are.” Becca yawns, which makes Mollie yawn, and then Scott, and then Marner. “How about you girls get ready for bed? It’s been a big evening and we can talk more about everything tomorrow.”

“Mollie’s bedtime is before mine,” Becca says, even as her red rimmed eyes are working hard to stay open.

“Can we all sleep in your bed, Daddy?” Mollie asks. Becca perks up at this too. They haven’t slept in his bed since a little after Sarah’s death, back when they were both having nightmares.

“And Marner too?” Both girls turn their best puppy dog eyes on him and he can’t refuse them right now so he just rolls his eyes and nods, doing anything to see a smile on Becca’s face.

“PJ time!” he shouts, putting an arm around Mollie’s back so that she doesn’t fall as he lifts himself back up to a sitting position. “And then teeth! I’ll go get ready in my room first.” He kisses both their foreheads before heading out, giving Marner a pat on the head for good measure.

He’s really going to call Tessa, he knows that she’ll be waiting to hear how it went and he wants to talk it through with her, though he’s already thinking that some details might be better left unsaid. She answers so fast that it’s obvious her phone was in her hand. “Scott. How are you? And the girls?”

He takes a breath and it’s like his own weariness catches up with him. “Uh, processing, I guess. It’s been an emotional evening.” Tessa hums sympathetically, encouraging him to keep going. “First, they were scared that someone was sick when I wanted to talk to them,” he hears a soft ‘oh no’, “so, I don’t think I handled that the best.” He still can’t believe he’d been so careless. “After I told them… Mollie seems to be doing well.” He should start with the good. They both need to think of the good. “She had questions about if we were going to live together and if Nathan was her brother now… overall she seems okay.”

“That’s really good,” she says quietly. There’s an unsteadiness to her voice when she asks, “And Becca?”

He rubs his hand along his jeans. “Becca didn’t take it so well.”

“I’m sorry.” He can hear how genuine her apology is, how it upsets her to think that Becca might be hurt by this. “I’m so sorry, Scott.”

“She stormed up to her room and then…” It’s only hitting him now, the magnitude of what she said. Maybe earlier he’d been too focused on responding for it to sink in, but it does now, claws at the very marrow of him. He rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand, the girls will be coming in soon and he doesn’t want to cry. “She said I wouldn’t care about her or Mollie now that I had a new baby.” A shuddering breath escapes him. “How… did I do something or not do something that would make her think that?”

“Oh, poor Becca.” He can hear that Tessa is crying too. “And poor you. No, Scott, you’re an amazing dad, she _knows_ you love her, I’m sure of that. It’s just… this is all so hard.” Her voice thins and narrows, the emotions pinching it. “This is confusing for us, it’s only going to be more confusing for the kids.”

He knows that she’s right but it does nothing to soothe the hurt. “I… I think she believed me when I explained how I loved each of them. I hope she did.” He’ll make extra sure to show her, to show both his girls, just how much he cares for them. “It got a little better after that but, uh, I think we’ll have to wait and see about the house. I’m sorry.”

Her reply is instant. “We can forget about it.” Tessa really does sound like she’s ready to completely dismiss the idea, even after how they’ve talked about how much easier it would make things for the new baby. “What’s best for all the kids comes first, and if Becca doesn’t want us to all move in together, we won’t.”

The idea seems something close to unobtainable in this moment, but he’s not quite ready to give up on it. He’s gotten too attached to the idea of getting to be there all the time for the baby, for Tessa. “We’re going to talk things over more tomorrow after we all get some sleep. We can see what happens over the next few days and weeks.”

“I’m sorry I can’t come over and be with you like you were there for me.” She sounds so regretful, so torn. “I… I’m thinking it wouldn’t be a good idea? The girls might be confused.” He thinks back to lying in Tessa’s bed, their intertwined hands over their baby. He’d wanted to stay there all night, to sleep with both of them in his arms. He wants to do that now too, the girls and Nathan and the dog there as well.

“Yeah, you’re right. They’re going to be sleeping in with me tonight, anyway. Mollie asked and I couldn’t say no.” He sighs, “They even got Marner an invite.”

Tessa giggles, although he’s pretty sure she’s still crying too. “That’s good. For all of you.”

She’s right. He does feel better having them close, knowing that that’s still a comfort for them. One day it won’t be this easy, he tells himself. “Yeah. I should get ready and go check on them. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Definitely.” He hears her moving about, hopes that she’s comfortable. “I’m sorry this is all so complicated.”

“It’s okay, Tess. It’s tough right now, but we’ll make it through.” They don’t have a choice.

“Good night, Scott.”

Her words, soft and sweet, echo in his head as he pulls on some pyjamas and quickly brushes his teeth, probably not as carefully as he makes sure the girls do, before going to check on them. They smile at him in the mirror, toothpaste around their lips, as he leans against the door. “You two ready to invade my room?” he asks, putting his hands on his hips.

“And Marner too,” Becca reminds him.

Scott sighs dramatically. “For one night only!” He doesn’t miss the tiniest smile that sits just on the edge of her lips. It’s a relief and a balm all at once.

When they get into bed Marner lies down at their feet while the girls take either side of him. “We have to say our prayers,” Becca says. It's something Sarah had done with them every night she was at home and it's her they pray for first, telling her they love her and thanking her for watching over them, before they move on to the rest of their family.

“Can we pray for the baby? Since we're big sisters? And Nathan and Tessa too?” Mollie asks.

He feels Becca stiffen beside him, but after she thinks it through she says, “They're family and friends, so I guess we should.” Scott can tell she's not best pleased about this and he gives her a squeeze in thanks for being so supportive of her little sister's ideas.

After prayers he closes his eyes and says, “You two are the most important people in the world to me. I love you more than anything.”

They chorus ‘I love you’ back at him and he starts to relax a little as their breathing evens and Mollie turns even closer towards him, almost lying on top of him as she falls asleep. He can tell that Becca is still awake and it doesn't come as a surprise when she says “Daddy?”

“Yes, ba- Becca?”

He can feel her hand fidgeting at his side. “I know people don't have to be married to have babies, but you and Mommy always said that babies were made from love.” She pauses, and he reaches out to take her hands in his so that she doesn't bite her nails raw. “Do you love Tessa?”

Fuck. “I - I know this isn't much of an answer, but sometimes with adults things are complicated. I love Tessa as a friend.” He can't let himself think any further than that, doesn't have time to dwell on what he’d been feeling that time in her bed. Maybe that had been making love.

“Did you love Mommy as a friend or did you love-love her?” It causes a crick in his neck to do so, but when he angles his head so that he can see Becca’s face she's wearing a frown again and worrying her bottom lip.

“I love-loved her,” he tells their daughter, the words serious and not silly.

She nods seriously. A pause and then a worried, “And do you still love her?”

“I always will.” He’s maybe surprised by how truthful those words are, but even if he doesn't love Sarah the way Becca is thinking of, he does love her and he knows that will never go away. She'd given him the best things in his life and they'd shared those most important moments together. She will always be special to him.

Becca tucks her head in under his arm. “I’m sorry about banging the door earlier.”

“I know that sometimes it’s hard to manage how you’re feeling, especially when it’s overwhelming. I used to get like that too.” Maybe he still does. “Thank you for saying sorry.”

It takes another few minutes, but soon Becca is asleep too and it’s just Scott and his thoughts. He feels better after having told the girls, but worse too. It’s good to have it out in the open, but he hadn’t expected it to be quite this hard. It’s going to take a lot of work and time to make sure their kids are all okay with this.

But he thinks he and Tessa have been doing a good job at working together so far.

\--

Nathan attempts to skip up to the library but still hasn’t managed to figure out how to do it properly, tripping over his own feet and ending up in a weird sort of gallop. It makes her laugh despite the worry that’s prickling beneath her skin.

There’s no reason for her to be worrying. Logically, she knows that. Nathan is still so young that it’s very likely this won’t make much of a difference to him. The gap between her babies will be the same as the one between Scott’s girls and he’s been wonderful in helping put her at ease. Evidently, Becca didn’t really comprehend what a new baby meant until Mollie was here, something that seems to be common if the mommy blogs Tessa’s been skimming are to be believed.

“Books, books, books,” Nathan chirps. He grins up at Tessa once she’s beside him again, hand slipping into hers, and Tessa lets her son lead them in. It’s not unusual for them to go to the library today but they are coming later than normal and Nathan looks confused when there’s no storytime set up in the children’s section. “Mama?”

She smiles down at him softly. “Today we’re doing something special.” His face lights up, cheeks squishing beneath the frames of his glasses. “Does that sound good?” He nods quickly and starts swinging their joined hands.

She made sure to check this morning that the book would be here. Before Nathan had woken up, she memorized the ISBN number, turned it over and over on her tongue, just like she is now, whispering it under her breath as they weave through the stacks. Nathan waves at the librarian putting books away, says ‘excuse me’ before Tessa can prompt him. The librarian, one they’ve seen before quite often, beams at Tessa, praises her for having such a polite young man. She murmurs a quiet thanks without stopping, her pursuit of getting to the right row the most important thing at the moment.

Tessa is glad the row is empty when they get there. She knows it would have been so easy to do this at home, anywhere, really, that could have granted them privacy. It didn’t feel right, though, but she’s not sure she could explain why if asked.

On the second to last shelf in the very middle of the row is the book she had researched painstakingly over the last week. The cover is bright and cheery, the way most children’s books are. The illustrator is different but the author is the same one who wrote the book on loss that she read to Nathan after the accident. Before all this happened, when Jonathan was still alive and the only baby she dreamed of having was part him, she looked into books on introducing new siblings or teaching kids about pregnancy. She had hoped she would need them one day soon. None of those books are the one she settled on today. Those all portrayed happy, complete families. She’s not sure that applies now.

Tessa sits down on the floor and stretches out her legs out in front of her. “Here, darling,” she says, patting her lap though Nathan needs no prompting, her boy already swinging his leg over hers. He tries to settle against her the way he always has with his back flush against her front, but he wiggles like he can’t quite get comfortable. It makes her frown. She’s excited about the new baby, even with all the upheaval to come along with it, but she hadn’t thought holding her son would get uncomfortable for him so early. Her stomach has only just started swelling and firming. She didn’t think it would be that big of a change, especially since he seems to appreciate the extra plushness to her chest again. He huffs a little, turning around to pat at her belly as if he’s trying to move her how he likes, a look of serious concentration on his face. He tries once more to sit as he usually does before giving up.

Nathan turns again, this time settling into the crook of her arm with a pleased sigh, his head coming to rest against her collarbone. He finally feels at ease against her, one arm wrapped loose around her back while his other hand reaches up to hold on to the neck of her shirt. “Ready for our story?” Feeling his nod against her, Tessa picks the book up and places it on Nathan’s lap.

There, in the middle of an empty row of children’s books and under bad fluorescent lights, Tessa reads softly to her son. The word baby feels precious on her lips, the soft B giving way to the long A before rounding back to a B and stretching over the E sound of the Y. She makes sure to trace the illustrations with a steady finger, wanting Nathan to see the changes in the mother character as the pages turn. She watches him closely after reading each passage. She expects questions when she’s done, but Tessa hopes that some of this is sinking in. She suspects it is if the serious look of concentration on his face is anything to go by, the soft furrow of his eyebrows beneath the frames of his glasses, and the rhythmic way his fist clenches around her shirt. He looks so much like Jonathan like this, thinks that she has a baby photo of her husband somewhere in her office, curled up in Frank’s lap.

Tessa presses a kiss to Nathan’s curls as she turns to the final page. The mom is smiling in a hospital bed with the new baby in her arms and the older boy sitting right beside them. Nathan lets out a quiet squeal as he looks up at her. “Baby,” he says. His hand finally untangles from her shirt so that he can tap against the drawing of the bundle of white with brown tufts of hair peeking out.

“That’s right, that’s the baby.” Tessa lets Nathan close the book as she pulls him tighter against her. Right now, here in this library, she feels something close to whole with Nathan safe in her arms and pressed against the small swell where her other child is growing. She takes a deep breath and lets her eyes slip shut.

Nathan snuggles further into her, moving his leg so that he stays comfortable despite her belly. “Good book, Mama.” He kisses the knob of her collarbone. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” She drags her nails along his scalp, smiling when he shivers a little. “Do you want to know why I picked this book?”

He shrugs then starts to reach around her. “One more?”

Tessa laughs briefly as she shakes her head. “In a little bit, okay? We can get a lot more but I want to talk about this one still.” Her nail taps the hardcover of the book. “Did you like this one?”

“Good book,” he repeats, head nodding exactly once.

“And what did you think of the baby?” He just sort of stares back at her, blinking a few times before he shrugs and smiles at her. “Would you like to have one?”

He tilts his head to one side. “Baby?” At Tessa’s gentle nod, Nathan’s lips purse to one side, his bottom lip jutting out further than the top. In the end, she’s rewarded with another shrug. “Okay.” He perks up before she can say anything else, a soft gasp passing through his lips. “We can get chicks too?” He looks entirely too hopeful that she’ll let him get a bunch of baby chickens.

Still, she indulges him, squinting as if she’s thinking hard about it and swallows down the laugh that threatens to come out of her. “How about we stick with the baby for now?” He deflates but nods in acceptance. “Do you know where the baby is?” He points to the book and she nods. “Yes, there is a baby in the book but,” she takes his hand in hers, presses his palm flat against her belly, “Mama has a baby here too.”

He pats her stomach. “Baby?”

“Yes, a baby.”

He looks between her stomach and her face, hand rubbing the firm skin beneath her shirt almost distractedly. After a moment he simply says, “Okay, Mama,” and gives her a kiss. “More books now?”

Tessa melts into the stacks, relieved even though she knows she’ll be explaining this repeatedly over the next handful of months. “Mama wants a really big hug first.” Nathan’s grin takes up his whole face as he throws his arms around Tessa’s neck.

He’s always been a cuddle bug but Nathan lets her hug him for a long while, the two of them quiet as Tessa rocks gently back and forth. It’s maybe not the moment she’d been dreaming of, the one she’d hoped for all those months she’d been trying with Jonathan, but now that it’s here she finds that it’s so incredibly special all the same. This is their new reality and she can’t quite think of it happening any other way.

—

The first time they all get together again, him, the kids, and Tessa, is the day after Thanksgiving. The counter is loaded with all the leftovers his mom sent him home with, plus the food that Tessa brought over. Marner is sitting at his feet, thankfully not whining but still shifting so much in hopes of getting some scraps that his nails tap audibly on the floor, and Mollie has climbed up on to the counter next to the stove, something that has Tessa frowning from where she’s assembling the left over fillings for sandwiches to pass him.

Becca is sitting at the table with her book in front of her face, held up by her knees. Scott knows she loves his grilled sandwiches but Tessa’s inclusion has Becca staying far away, even when he asked if she would help Tessa assemble. Nathan had been between him and Tessa but has since walked off towards Becca. Scott can’t tell too well what’s happening since he needs to focus on not burning their lunch, but he notices that Tessa keeps looking over at the two.

He doesn’t think Becca is upset with Nathan. She wasn’t upset when she saw him on the porch, hugged him back when the little boy had immediately rushed to her and Mollie. That doesn’t mean he’s not on edge though when he hears Nathan quietly ask, “Becca?”

Tessa pauses, spoon full of cranberry sauce poised over the turkey she just laid out on the bread. Marner moves around Scott to lick at Mollie’s feet and it’s her giggles that almost make him miss Nathan’s next question. “Can you read to me?”

“Daddy?” Scott takes a huge breath before he turns around to look at Becca, hoping his face doesn’t look as nervous as he feels. “Can Nathan and I go read in the living room? So we can sit next to each other and Nathan can see the pictures?”

Tessa visibly relaxes, her sigh rolling out of her whole body. She looks at him with a relieved smile and nods. “I think that sounds like a great idea, Becca,” he answers, shooting a grin to her and Nathan, who claps excitedly.

Becca takes Nathan’s hand before heading into the living room and Scott is honestly surprised that Mollie hasn’t ditched them either. It all makes sense though when she stares at Tessa with her head tilted to her shoulder. “Can I see the baby?”

He’s about to explain that she can’t, only for Tessa to ask, “How so? I have some pictures in my purse but it doesn’t look too much like a baby yet. Or I can show you my tummy and you can see how I’ve grown because of the baby?”

Mollie taps a finger against her lips. “Both?” Tessa laughs lightly, nods as she goes to wash her hands. Once they’re clean, she pulls up her shirt, Mollie’s legs kicking so excitedly that Marner moves back so he’ll stop getting hit. Mollie’s eyes get wide. “You look very full,” she says seriously and Tessa laughs, her hand coming to rest on the side of her stomach.

“I do, don’t I?” Tessa tucks her shirt underneath her bra to leave her belly exposed. “I’m going to get a lot bigger too as the baby grows.”

Mollie nods. “Like Santa?”

Tessa laughs again. “Sort of.” Mollie reaches out before thinking better of it. “Do you want to feel?” Mollie nods, hopping down from the counter and landing with a thud that sounds much too heavy for someone her size. There’s a sharp intake of breath from Tessa that Scott files away for later, not wanting to get into how he lets his girls learn bodily awareness from doing as long as they don’t get hurt.

He turns off the stove, wanting to witness every single part of this. It had been so wonderful to see Becca with Sarah when she was pregnant, can still remember her delighted giggle the first time she felt Mollie kick. There’s a tug at his heart, wishes that Becca was here for this too. She just needs time, he knows, and he hopes that he’ll get to experience this with her again soon.

Mollie doesn’t hesitate once she’s in front of Tessa. With both hands, she palms Tessa’s stomach, curiously moving them around and testing the firmness of the swell, listening too when Tessa reminds her to not push too hard. “Is the baby right here?” Mollie asks as she pats Tessa right over her belly button. “Or is it over here?” She pats Tessa off to the side.

“I’m not really sure. The baby isn’t big enough for me to feel where they are yet.”

Mollie’s face screws up. “But your belly is big.”

“I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?” Mollie shakes her head. “Did you want to see the pictures now?”

Mollie hums. “Maybe after sandwiches.” She gives Tessa’s stomach one last pat before turning on her heel, almost going in a complete circle at the force of it. “Right now I want to go play with Nathan.”

“Don’t interrupt if they’re reading,” Scott warns. Mollie doesn’t look back at him but he knows that she rolls her eyes. He really just doesn’t want any fighting.

Scott has to hide his own frown when Tessa pulls her shirt back down. “So,” he says after clearing his throat. “How was it yesterday?”

Tessa starts repacking the leftovers. He can tell from how forcefully she puts a lid back on the cranberry sauce she brought that it definitely wasn’t the good day she was hoping for. Which makes it all the more surprising when she says, “It was good.” She takes a deep breath, lets her shoulders drop. “It just wasn’t Thanksgiving to me.” When they were discussing their holiday plans, she told him how Marian would always make a big feast, their usual Sunday dinner ramped up times ten and with the inclusion of Tessa’s family. This is the first time in ten years Tessa wasn’t spending the holiday with Jonathan’s family.

Tessa swallows audibly. “My mom and I cooked a good meal. It was nice seeing my brothers and their families too.” Another deep breath. “Frank stopped by with some of Marian’s cranberry sauce.”

He had snuck some as soon as Tessa opened the container. It’s even better than his mom’s, not that he would _ever_ say that out loud. “That’s her recipe?”

“Yeah.” Her features start to wilt then and her hands work faster, sealing the bag full of turkey before moving on to put the lid on the mashed potatoes. “He said they were going out to the lake for the day.” She sniffs. “Since, you know, they had no one to cook for this year.” Her voice breaks on the last few words and then she’s crying right into the gravy. She murmurs, “shit,” when she realizes it, quick to take a step back as she wipes at her cheeks.

Scott gathers her in his arms, her face pressed into his shirt. “This year was going to be hard enough,” she cries, “and I just made it so much worse.”

He rubs her back in slow, steady circles. He doesn’t want to lie to her, to tell her that her being pregnant doesn’t mean that things are worse, because he knows that things _would_ be a lot different if she weren’t. That she could have had something close to normal with her in-laws this year. “Tess,” he says lowly, “it was their decision to not have thanksgiving.”

“Because of what I did,” she throws back.

“You’re right. But they could have reacted differently.”

“Marian reacted perfectly normally. It hasn’t even been a year,” she mumbles. From what he’s heard from Tessa he can sympathise with Marian, this is obviously really hard for her and he gets that she might need space, but to him what seems like a shutdown of communication is an overreaction. Tessa is her family. She steps back and returns to her task. “How was it being around your brothers? That was the first time since you told them, right?”

He nods, accepting that she wants to move on from talking about the Bradys. “Good, they’ve been understanding about everything.” Although there had been a lot of eye rolls about how he’d gotten another woman pregnant without planning to. And then there were Danny’s comments about how Scott had got himself a sugar mama. They were just jokes, but they rankled all the same.

The hardest thing had been the memories of last year, though. They had known that Sarah was very unlikely to make it to Christmas so they’d had an even larger celebration than usual, trying to make it as special as they could for the girls. Fuck, he’s not ready for another Christmas, or for the first anniversary that will come next month. Just when he thinks they’ve found themselves on something close to even ground, a new hurdle seems to emerge.

He clears his throat, turning to take the last sandwich off the pan. “I told Sarah’s parents too.”

Tessa’s head whips around fast. “On Thanksgiving?!”

“They aren’t even in the country right now,” Scott explains. “Her mom is on a cruise and her dad is in Australia. They’re not big holiday people unless it’s one with gifts because then they think they can win over the girls.” Tessa still doesn’t look convinced that this was the right move on his part but there’s really nothing he can do about it now. “Her mom didn’t really care… her dad sounded upset but, I don’t know, it felt forced?”

“She didn’t care?” Tessa’s voice sounds so small. Her hand goes down to her stomach. “I don’t know too much about them but…” Tessa shakes her head. “I don’t understand how parents can just-”

“Not give a shit?” Tessa nods. “I don’t get it either but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with them more than I have to.” It had been so hard to put up with while Sarah was still here, her parents never visiting at the same time but somehow still managing to tear the other down during their time, and her mother was ruthless towards Sarah herself. As much as he thinks he owes it to the girls to have a relationship with the duo so that they don’t lose out on their, admittedly part time, grandparents, Scott doesn’t think it would be the worst thing if Sarah’s parents just stopped taking his calls.

Looking at Tessa, Scott can tell she views it as a loss regardless, her lips downturned and her hand rubbing circles over her belly. There is a stubborn set to her jaw though, a hardness mixing with the sadness in her eyes. “The girls have wonderful grandparents in your parents. They have a lot of love in their lives,” she says. He can't quite tell if she's reassuring herself or him.

He nods. It still makes him a little sad though. He was surrounded by grandparents growing up and wishes that his girls had that too. “My mom said you and Nathan should come out and visit again soon,” he mentions before he forgets. His mom had been a little put out that he hadn’t invited Tessa yesterday. “You could meet my brothers too. I know you bumped into Danny that time, but you could meet him properly.”

Tessa tucks her hair behind her ears. “I’d love to but… I don't want to intrude? And I'm not sure Becca would like it.”

Scott's pretty sure she wouldn't, but he also knows it will have to happen sometime. “It's not intruding if you're invited, Tess,” he says gently. “And with Becca, she needs some space, yeah, but I think being around you will actually help.” He would never force his kids to spend time with people who make them uncomfortable, but that isn't what's going on here. He thinks that if Becca is around Tessa and interacts with her she’ll start to see that Tessa does care about her and that this baby can bring happiness to all their lives, not just unexpected change.

“You think?” He hears Tessa's hopes fighting with her doubts.

Scott sends her a crooked smile. “I do. She just needs some time.”

Tessa nods and it sort of reminds him of Becca which does all sort of funny things to his stomach. “She was so sweet with Nathan, she's such a good kid. They both are.” She nudges him with her shoulder. “You’re really good at this whole parenting thing.”

“So are you.” He starts plating up the food, focusing on that rather than Tessa in case him focusing on her while he says this might make her uncomfortable or feel like she has to respond in kind. “I know this is hard, but there's no one else I'd want to do it with. Just you.”

There's a shallow breath and then two arms around him, firm tummy pressed into his side. “I feel exactly the same.”

He leans his head against hers, taking a quiet moment in between the chaos of their lives. Tessa’s thumb rubs at his hip over his shirt and he sinks into her a little further before his stomach growls, the two of them laughing. “Could you put these on the table and I'll get the kids in?”

The kids are playing school (Becca as the teacher of course) and even though Nathan looks like he doesn't have a clue what's going on he seems absolutely delighted to be taking part. “Does anyone here want some thanksgiving dinner part two?” he asks.

Mollie just runs straight out, but Becca stays, tidying up her supplies. Nathan waits on her, holding out his hand, and when she notices she takes it and finally leaves for the kitchen.

Dinner is different to the last time they shared a meal here together, less chatting and some frowns from Becca in Tessa's direction. But they're here together and he thinks that's a start.

—

Tessa hadn’t expected this day to come so soon. It had been back in early July that she’d first received the email from the London Chamber of Commerce about their plan to hold a gala night in memory of Jonathan to celebrate his life and what he’d done for industry in the local area. She thought she would have so much time to ready herself for this, to prepare herself to accept the award, to write a short speech, to tamp down the slight bitter edge she felt at how they were talking about the business as if it was all him, but life had other plans for her. It would have been unfathomable to her back then that she would be going to this event barely on speaking terms with Marian, fifteen weeks pregnant with Scott’s baby. It’s still almost unfathomable to her now.

She thanks the makeup artist when she puts the final touches on her face, tells her how grateful she is that the look is natural and muted. When her mom had suggested the idea of getting people to come to Tessa’s house to do their makeup for the event she’d thought it was indulgent; she was so used to doing her own makeup, knew what suited her and enjoyed having that time to focus and relax before meeting a lot of people. But now she’s so happy that she agreed. She doesn’t think her hands would have been steady enough to do a good job.

Tessa slips off the simple dress she’d been wearing and puts on the deep purple Christian Siriano. It has a deep V to the waist, a delicate piece of  fabric overlaying the two segments and crossing in a twist just over her breasts, flattering their new shape but not drawing too much attention to them. The skirt is full, made up of tiers of soft tulle, perfectly covering her bump that has now popped. Her hands feel for it under the layers of fabric; she loves touching it, loves the rounded shape and knowing that her baby is safely growing inside, hopefully unperturbed by all the complications going on around them. She keeps worrying that her anxieties will affect them, and then has to try to stop herself from worrying about worrying.

Her phone buzzes with a call from Maia, the grad student from Western who sits for Nathan on the fairly rare occasions when none of their family members or Tanith and Charlie are free to do so. She can tell from just listening to her breathing that the young woman is upset. “I’m so sorry to do this, Tessa. It’s so last minute, I’m so sorry, but I can’t look after Nathan tonight.”

“Take a breath, Maia,” Tessa prompts. “It’s okay.” She hates how worried Maia sounds, her mind going to all the things that could have gone wrong.

“I was fine all day and then an hour ago I started throwing up. There’s a bug going around campus but I’ve been so careful not to catch it, I always use hand sanitiser and everything. I’m so sorry for doing this but I don’t think I can make it out of my room, and even if I could I wouldn’t want to get Nathan sick, or you.”

“Please don’t worry, honey.” She’s not sure if there’s really enough of an age gap between them for her to call Maia that, but she sounds like she needs some reassurance right now. “I know what it’s like to feel miserable with a bug, you need to take care of yourself.”

“I know that tonight is important and I’m so sorry to make it more stressful. My brother is in town and he’s really good with kids, or I have some friends I could call for you?”

“That’s so kind of you, but I’m sure I have someone I can ask. You concentrate on resting and recuperating and we’ll see you soon, okay?” She’s sure that Maia’s brother and friends are the type of people she’d be perfectly happy to have watch her son, but she isn’t going to leave him with someone she’s only just met, no matter how strong the recommendation.

After Maia thanks her way too many times, Tessa goes down to the hall to the guest bedroom where her mom is getting ready. Her mom gasps when she comes in, “Oh, Tess, you look so beautiful.”

If it hadn’t been for watching out for the skirt of her dress she thinks she would have forgotten she’s so dressed up with how focused she is on trying to figure out who can stay with Nathan. The Bradys, the Whites, her mom and Jordan are all going to the gala too, obviously. Her first thought was to have Nathan stay with CJ and Jenny and their sitter but then she remembered that they had gone to stay the night with Charlie’s parents an hour away. “Maia is sick and can’t make it tonight. Do you know if Mrs. Huber is free tonight?” Mrs. Huber had lived in the apartment across from theirs and she’d always been so helpful. Her mom still talks to her a lot even though it’s been years since they both lived there. Mrs. Huber had sent Tessa the sweetest card after Nathan was born and had watched him a few times since then. She’s a little older now but Nathan is already tired out, he might already be asleep by the time she gets here.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but she’s away in Florida for her active retirement group’s annual trip.” Both her mom and Tessa frown, trying to come up with another solution. She would feel okay asking some of the parents from Nathan’s play group, but not at such short notice. She doesn’t know them well enough to ask that of them. “How about I stay?” her mom suggests.

“No, this is important for all of us.” She registers that her mom is ready too, elegant in a dark green knee-length dress. “You look beautiful, Mom.” They’d gone shopping for the dress the first Sunday Tessa hadn’t gone to church and then for dinner at the Bradys’. She’d been planning on trying to make plans, or more likely lying in bed and feeling sad, but when her mom rang and suggested the idea she thought that maybe it was better to keep moving. It had been such a nice day, just the two of them. Her mom hadn’t even brought up the baby much, just asking about how Tessa was feeling when they took a break for lunch.

“Oh, thank you, dear.” Her mom’s cheeks pinken. “How about Jordan’s… Ashley, is she coming tonight?” Tessa can’t blame her mom for not saying girlfriend, it’s not like Jordan has ever used that word.

Jordan herself appears then, Nathan holding onto the back of her legs, already dressed in his pyjamas. “Ashley is in Vancouver, she had a meeting with a former client. Why?”

Nathan peeks out from behind her legs. “Mama! So pretty!”

He runs over to her and she leans down to hug him, ignoring her mom’s warning about creasing her dress. “What do you have to tell Mama, Nathan?” Jordan prompts.

He frowns, mouth quirking to the side, before clarity brightens his face. “You look boo-tee-ful!”

“Oh, thank you my love.” She kisses his forehead and then stands up again. “Maia is ill and can’t sit for Nathan tonight so we’re trying to think of someone else who could do it. And you’re not staying,” she insists before Jordan can offer. Her sister has done enough, what with getting ready first so that she could get Nathan into his pyjamas, and Tessa needs her with her tonight. Her son is now playing with the tiers on her dress, sticking his head underneath them or laughing at how his hands look a different colour beneath the purple material.

“You’re only going to be happy with someone he knows well,” Jordan says, seemingly more to herself than anything as she fidgets with her bracelet, clearly searching her brain for another option.

She couldn’t ask Scott, could she? It’s an event for Jonathan, and he has the girls. But she has no qualms about the idea of him watching Nathan, knows that Nathan would be okay with it too. “I couldn’t…”

“I think you should. He’ll probably be spending time alone with him and the girls at some point anyway.” She’s both grateful and slightly irked that Jordan knows exactly who she was thinking about.

Their mom looks over and back between them. “Who are you talking… _Oh_.” She purses her lips, then raises her eyebrows and leans her head to the side and back. “That could work. Jordan’s right, it more than likely will happen eventually.”

“But what about the Bradys? What will they think?” Tessa joins Nathan in playing with her dress.

“I don’t see why they have to find out,” her mom says, shrugging her shoulders a little icily. “He’s going to be with someone he’s comfortable with who will take good care of him, that’s all that matters.”

There really isn’t anyone else she can think of who she’d be completely happy to have be here with him. “Why not just give him a call, Tess?” Jordan asks. “If he’s busy or doesn’t feel good about it, then we can come up with some other ideas. It won’t hurt to ask.”

“Okay,” Tessa agrees. Will it hurt if he says no? She fixes up Nathan’s curls which have become mussed with all the hiding he’s been doing under the tiers of her skirt. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, I just have to make a phone call.”

Nathan happily toddles over to his nana and Tessa goes back to her room. She phones Scott straight away, doesn’t want to sit here and overanalyse her decision. It takes him a little longer than usual to answer and when he does pick up he’s slightly breathless. “Sorry, my phone was charging upstairs. Is everything okay? Are you ready for the gala?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that, um, my sitter had to cancel because she’s sick and I…”

“I can do it,” he says immediately. “If you feel okay with that.”

“I do, of course I do, I just worry it’s too much to ask? Would the girls be okay with it?” She means Becca. “Would you all want to come here or would I take him over to your house?”

“Maybe your house would be better? So that he can sleep in his own bed. The girls will have each other, and you have a lot of spare rooms. Or maybe they could stay with my mom.”

“I don’t want you to have to spend any time away from them.” She doesn’t want to take him away from them.

He pauses. “How about I have a chat with them and call you back?”

She thanks him over and over again and he tells her not to worry. She fiddles about in her room, checking to see she has everything she might need in her clutch and going over the notes she’s written for her speech until he calls.

“We’re packing up to go to your house now,” he says cheerfully.

“Thank you so much, Scott. I know this is such short notice and I’m so grateful that…”

“Hey, we’re co-parents now, this is what parenting together is about, helping the other person. And even if, you know, even if we weren’t having a baby together, I’d still do this for you. We’re friends, Tessa.”

She’s working very hard not to cry. “You’re a great friend.”

“And so are you, Tess. We shouldn’t be too long, I’ll see you soon.”

She feels much more relaxed going back down the hall. Nathan and her mom are sitting at the bottom of the bed in the largest spare room, Nathan tucked in beside her looking rather sleepy. Tessa is glad he hasn’t nodded off because she wants to tell him who will be staying with him tonight.

She sits down beside them and he cuddles into her side. “Do you remember that Mama, Nana and Auntie Jo are going out tonight?” He nods. “Maia was going to come over to stay with you, but she’s sick so now Scott, Becca and Mollie are coming, is that okay?”

He sits up straight and throws his arms up in the air. “Playtime!”

Tessa laughs, still relieved even though she’d been confident he would be perfectly fine with this change. “Bedtime soon, but you can play with the girls for a little while when they come.”

Nathan crosses his arms over his chest and ducks his chin before lifting it up and saying, “Okay, Mama!” He hops off the bed. “Gonna get toys!” He comes back quickly with an armful of farm toys, showing his wooden cows to his nana and Jordan. “Scott made cows!”  

Her mom’s eyes widen. “Wow, these are gorgeous. May I hold one, Nathan?” After he nods she carefully takes it from his hand and examines it, running a finger over the painted wood. “This is a very special gift, you’re a lucky boy.” She smiles at Tessa, and it feels like something akin to a benediction.

They play with the toys together until Tessa gets a text from Scott telling her that they’ve arrived. She heads downstairs first while Jordan and her mom help Nathan with his toys. Mollie comes bounding in and squeals when she sees Tessa’s dress. When Scott and Becca come in right after she turns to Scott, hands on her hips. “You said that Tessa wasn’t a princess!”

Tessa laughs but Scott makes no reaction. He’s staring at her, his mouth slightly open and his eyes blown wide, two pink sparkly backpacks hanging off his arm. Tessa blushes, pushing some of her hair behind her shoulder. Becca is staring too, like she doesn’t quite want to but can’t help looking at the dress. She looks up at her dad and then elbows him in the side, “You’ll catch flies like that.” Scott goes very red.

“It is a little like a princess dress, you’re right, Mollie,” Tessa says, trying to move on.

Mollie comes closer, reaching out and feeling the skirt. “It’s so frilly!”

This seems to jolt Scott back to full attention. “Careful, Mol, you don’t want to get anything on Tessa’s dress.”

“Oh, it’s fine, it’s a fun dress to play with. Nathan was all over and under it already.”

Mollie clasps her hands together tightly. “Can you do a twirl. _Please_?” she pleads, screwing her eyes shut.

“Sure,” Tessa agrees, causing Mollie to jump up and down, eyes open again now. Tessa moves back a little, “I don’t want you all to get a faceful of skirt.” Her heart seems to lift a little as she spins around, the dress flying around her. She might even feel something like a princess. Mollie claps, Scott joining in with a smile, and even Becca seems impressed, though she’s trying not to show it.

“Mollie!! Becca!!” comes a little voice from the stairs. Tessa sees Becca’s face brighten with a real smile before she turns around to be greeted with the sight of Nathan scrambling down from her mom’s arms at the bottom of the stairs and rushing over to his friends. Jordan is a few steps behind her mom, arms full with the toys Nathan had picked out earlier.

Nathan gives hugs to Mollie and Becca and then Scott’s legs. Scott crouches down beside him, “You’re ready for bed, buddy. Is that Elmo on your pjs?” Nathan nods, tracing the red fluffy character on his shirt. “The girls and I are going to be here while your mama goes out, is that okay?”

“Playtime first! Mama said!” her son insists excitedly.

Scott laughs. “Well we’d better do what Mama said, huh?”

“Just a few minutes,” Tessa reminds Nathan as he goes over to the girls, grabbing hold of their hands.

“Ten?” he asks hopefully.

“Okay,” Tessa laughs, knowing that’s the biggest number he’s familiar with right now.

He leads the girls to the living room, both Jordan and her mom saying hello to them as they pass and Jordan following behind them with the toys after saying hi to Scott. Her mom comes nearer then, hovering at Tessa’s shoulder. She’s almost happy that this is how they’re meeting first, no one has had a chance to get too nervous what with it being so last minute. “Scott, this is my mom, Kate. Mom, this is Scott.”

They shake hands and her mom speaks first, “It’s good to meet you, Scott. It’s so kind of you to help out like this.”

“It’s no trouble, it’s good to meet you too.” Scott smiles, but Tessa can see the nervousness behind his eyes. “You look lovely,” his eyes return to Tessa, “you both do.” She realises then that he actually hadn’t told her that earlier, had just stared like he couldn’t find the right words.

Jordan rejoins them, looking down at her phone. “The car will be here in three minutes, are you ready?”

“Oh, okay.” She thought she would have more time to brief Scott on Nathan’s routine. “He’ll need to go to the bathroom again before bed, he’ll choose a story for you to read and he might try and push for more but he’s usually okay if you tell him no, he might want to play with those cows you made him too? He sleeps with Buttercup, his stuffed cow, and Mitch, the puppy Mollie gave him. Uh…. what else?” Jordan helps her into her pink fluffy jacket. “You have my number so just call if you need anything. The beds are all made up so you and the girls can sleep wherever you like, you know where all the spares are.” She almost bites her tongue then, she hopes her mom doesn’t catch on to the significance of that.

“How about you take my number too, Scott?” her mom suggests. “Tessa might be busy at some points and if you need a hand I can head back.”

While Scott and her mom swap numbers Tessa goes to say good night to Nathan. He’s sitting on the floor in the living room with Becca and Mollie, making a neighing sound while he trots one of his toy horses back and forth over the carpet. “I’m going to go now, Nathan.”

“Bye Mama!” he calls cheerfully, waving his hand but not turning around to look at her. She’s glad he’s happy, but she could do with a little more of a goodbye.

“Can I get a hug?” He gets up immediately and runs over, his arms spread out wide. She lifts him up and holds him tight against her, rocking back and forth a little and drawing some giggles from him. “I’ll see you in the morning. I love you, Nathan.”

He leaves a wet kiss on her cheek. “Love you too, Mama.”

After she puts him down she thanks the girls for coming and tells them that she hopes they sleep well. Mollie instructs her to have a nice time and Becca waves goodbye, which Tessa is going to count as progress.

Scott is the only one still in the hall when she returns. “Jordan and your mom went on out,” he explains.

“Thank you so much for doing this. It was such short notice.”

He puts his hands on her arms. “Tessa, I’m happy to. How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I think.”  She pauses, lets herself just be for a minute instead of rushing. “I think having to find a new sitter distracted me. I… I’m not sure I’m really ready for tonight.” If the focus is kept on the business maybe things will be okay, she’s not sure she could deal with something like another funeral, not now when she’s no longer numb.

“I hope it isn’t hard,” Scott says, hanging his head, “or too hard.”

Tessa closes the gap between them, putting her arms around his neck. He holds her delicately, maybe afraid to crush her dress. “I shouldn’t be too late, but if you’re not up I’ll see you in the morning.”

He rubs his hand gently over the small of her back. “I know you’ll have everyone there to support you, but if you need a break for a minute you can message or call me.”

She sinks into him just a little before stepping back. “Thank you.” She makes herself leave then, tries to ignores the part of her that wants to stay here with him and their kids. She needs to do this for Jonathan, she’s let him down enough.

After the car starts moving her mom says, “Scott seems very nice, Tessa. Very nice indeed.” She reaches out to fix how Tessa’s dress is lying. “And so handsome.” Tessa giggles, and then Jordan joins in and their laughter gets louder and louder while their mom looks on, perplexed. “What did I say?”

“Oh, he is very handsome,” Tessa agrees, “it’s just..”

“Everything,” Jordan says.

“Yeah.” Tessa seeks out her sister’s hand as she thinks about the everything that awaits her.

The reception area is starting to fill up when they arrive, but they’re by no means late. The Chamber of Commerce had originally talked about making it a ticketed event, with money perhaps going to a charity of Tessa’s choice, but even with the money going to a good cause Tessa hadn’t liked the idea of making a celebration of Jonathan’s life a paid entry event, or an opportunity for people to come and insert themselves into a loss that wasn’t theirs. So they’d worked on an invited guest list and left envelopes on every table for donations instead.

Tessa sees Marian and Frank soon after entering the room, but doesn’t know whether to approach them or not. Frank is still the only one she’s been talking to, either via text or call most days, and it’s him who always comes to pick Nathan up. They’re standing in the middle of the room with some friends from church who all wave at Tessa, looking so happy to see her. She feels a pang for the loss of that community, something she’s been feeling every Sunday morning since telling the Bradys the truth. It’s obvious that they haven’t shared it with their friends however.

Everyone seems to want to talk to Tessa, old teachers and friends of Jonathan’s, people from work, the representative from the local police department. She thinks it would be emotionally exhausting even without the secret she’s keeping and the voice in her head that asks what all these people will think when they know what she’s done. Tanith appears just when she needs her and whisks her off to a quiet corner.

“How are you holding up?” her friend asks, running her hand up Tessa’s arm.

“Tired. Looking forward to the dinner just so I can sit down.” Then she remembers that they’ll be sitting at a table with Marian. “Though that will probably be hard too.” It’s starting to feel like this night is a penance for her sins. One she deserves.

Charlie appears then, his grey suit and navy tie complementing Tanith’s navy jumpsuit. It hits her with a jolt that she’d only ever gone to events like this with Jonathan, and they’d tired her out even then. He’d whisper in her ear, making up stories about the other attendees or asking if they could get burgers on the way home because the food was way too fancy. Charlie smiles at her woodenly, while nothing has been said things have been off-kilter between them ever since Tanith told him about the baby. He’s asked politely about how she’s feeling but the only more in-depth conversations they’ve had have been about work.

“This is a bit weird, isn’t it?” Charlie asks, causing Tessa to startle then laugh.

“Yeah, it is.” It does feel a little like the days after the accident rehashed, but now in fancy clothes.

“Jonathan would have preferred to be at home, even if he did like just about everyone here.”

She frowns at that, wondering if she’d approved the invitation of someone she shouldn’t have, but then remembers that most of the city councillors are here, including one Jonathan had gone to private school with whom he’d always described as absolutely awful.

“I made sure the menu was food he liked, none of those _eclectic fusions,"_ she says in her best attempt at an imitation of Jonathan imitating a snooty waiter.

It makes Charlie laugh and that gives her a boost as they make their way in for dinner, which will be followed by the speeches. She’s seated at a table at the top of the room for easy access to the speaking podium, along with Jordan, her mom, the Bradys and the Whites. Marian just gives her a nod when she reaches it, but Frank gets up to pull out the chair that’s in front of her nameplate. He squeezes her shoulders and leans his head down, “I know you’re going to say some lovely words, Tess. You look beautiful.”

“You’re looking very dapper yourself,” she tells him.

He adjusts his waistcoat. “Why thank you!”

Waiters begin to appear carrying trays of starters, so Frank heads back to sit down beside Marian, who is one space away from Tessa on her mom’s right. Tessa’s eyes keep going over to the podium she’ll be giving her speech at and her mind keeps wondering about how Marian is feeling, so she doesn’t much feel like eating anything. She picks at her food, feeling nauseous for the first time in weeks. She notices that Marian keeps looking over at her plate when they’re eating the main course, frowning slightly, and she starts to eat as if on autopilot, remembering how Marian, or her mom or Jordan, came and ate dinner with her for months after the accident. After she’s more or less cleaned her plate she thinks she sees Marian’s shoulders relax.

There’s a selection of desserts and Tessa manages to eat all the little bites, even though she’s not overly impressed with the apple pie’s pastry. It’s after all the dishes are cleared away that the next part of the night begins, first with a video about Jonathan and then a speech from the chairperson of the Chamber of Commerce.

Tessa tries to ignore it, but a burr of irritation settles under her skin and grows. They’re acting like Jonathan made the whole thing happen by himself. Her husband was brilliant, but he was not a businessman. She had been the one who came up with the plans, the one who got investors on board, the one who raised the seed money and helped get everything ready for the app to launch while still studying for her MBA. The only references to her are of being his muse or his support, dredging up that quote he gave once about him coming up with the idea so that everyone could see all the photographs he took of his beautiful girlfriend. People never seem as interested in repeating any of the much larger number of quotes he’d given about the hours she’d worked or the good ideas she’d contributed. They always want to picture her as the girl in Instagram’s first ever post, not the woman who made that happen.

But what annoys her more than that is the hollowness of what’s being said. The video is well-made, the chairperson eloquent and sincere, but they’re talking about Jonathan only in regards to what he’d achieved, not the person who he was. It’s like he’s not even there. He’s a cypher who came up with algorithms, not the flesh and blood man who the first year they were married had slept in a bed so small with her that there was never a time they weren’t touching, or the one who cried with her on bathroom floors for months and months and months.

It’s Charlie’s turn to speak then, which puts her at ease because he will talk about Jonathan like the real human being, but on edge because that means it’s her turn next. Charlie clears his throat and fiddles with his notes and Tessa can’t tell if her nerves are for him or herself.

“I hated Jonathan for about the first ten years I was aware of his existence.” Tessa snorts, she’s heard this story before. “We went to different schools, so I just saw him at science fairs and math competitions and quizzes, and he beat me every single time. And then we ended up as roommates our first year in Waterloo and I eventually realised he wasn’t so bad after he showed me how to use a washing machine.” Charlie goes on to talk about how close they’d grown, how people used to mistake them for brothers, “though my hair was obviously always better.” And then Tessa enters the story. “On September nineteenth in our third year, Jonathan came home from a math tutoring session talking about how the student he’d been working with was the most stubborn person he’d ever met and that they were doing a math course that was way too hard for them. He never usually talked about his tutees so I pushed for a few more details and then he said, ‘She’s also really pretty, or whatever.’ He didn’t stop talking about Tessa after that.”

The tears come violently and all of a sudden. Large sobs that shake through her chest, that she can feel all the way down to her toes. It’s not so much what Charlie is saying as how it reminds her so, so much of the best man’s speech he made at their wedding. She can almost feel Jonathan’s arm around her shoulder and his hand on her knee. The tears continue as Charlie speaks about how she had been the one who made the idea for the app into a business model and had secured their funding and she remembers all those long nights and endless phone calls, Jonathan with his hair all wild and dark circles under his eyes. Her mom has her arms around Tessa’s waist and Jordan has an arm around her shoulder, but it’s not until Marian gets up and sets herself down on Tessa’s other side, reaching out and taking her hand that the sobs finally start to subside. Marian doesn’t look at her, keeps her eyes on Charlie, but her touch is comforting and familiar.

The speech ends too soon, while Tessa is still regulating her breathing and trying to compose herself. Jordan immediately gets to work tidying up her face as the applause rings out around them. Tessa fishes for her notes in her clutch and stands up just as Charlie arrives back down at their table. “Thank you,” she says, unsure of whether to hug him or not.

He puts his arms around her and pulls her in. “Thank you,” he echoes, rubbing her back. “It’s going to be okay, Tess. It’s all going to be okay.” He’s not just talking about her speech, she can tell from how serious his voice is, how gentle. It feels a little like absolution here in this room where they’re celebrating Jonathan, and she thinks that if Charlie can forgive her, maybe other people will too. She hopes they can.

Tanith squeezes her hand as Tessa passes her on the way up to the raised platform the podium is standing on. She has to be careful with the large skirt as she makes her way up the steps, relieved to hear each click of her stilettos until she reaches her destination. When she takes a deep breath it rattles against the microphone, if she were speaking at any other event she thinks this would make her anxious, but here it calms her, helps her to focus on the here and now. “Thank you all for being here tonight to remember Jonathan and celebrate his life, I… I wish we weren't here like this.” She makes her thank yous to the Chamber of Commerce and everyone who helped her organise the event, the names tripping off her tongue with ease, glancing at her notes at the end to ensure that she's mentioned everyone. Then it's time for the hard part.

“Jonathan was bright and brilliant in his work, but he was also all of those things in his personal life. He was a wonderful husband, friend, son and…” her eyes fill again, “father. We created a business together, but what is most important to me is the life we shared. He gave me more in love than he did in ideas, and he had a lot of ideas.” Her fingers tighten on the stand. “Falling in love with him was finding a home, one that I will take with me wherever I go. When I started to think about the best way to carry on his legacy I decided to go back to the start, to those math tutoring sessions when, even though he thought that course was much too difficult for me, he did nothing but encourage me, did everything he could to help. So, I think the best way to honour him is to do that for others. I'd like to take this opportunity to announce the creation of five grants which will be awarded annually to young Canadians who are trying to develop new apps or businesses. We are also working with the Chamber of Commerce and the board of education to set up coding classes for the school children of Ontario which will be available free of charge. Eventually we hope to roll this out nationwide.” She pauses until the noise dies down, takes in the smiling faces below her. “My husband was bright, and he was brilliant, and he saw and encouraged those qualities in everyone he met. I hope that this way his work can continue.” She bows her head and pictures him the way he’d look at her after speeches. He always told her he was proud of her. She hopes he still is.

When she finally gets home she takes off her shoes and goes up to her son. She already knows that everything had gone well from the messages Scott had sent her, but there's never a night she doesn't check on Nathan. He's fast asleep, his stuffed animals keeping him company in his big boy bed. After she kisses her son, she places a kiss to her fingers and touches them to Jonathan’s face on the photo that sits by Nathan's bed. It seems a little closer to him than usual and she wonders if he showed it to Scott, or if Scott talked about it to him.

It's Scott she's looking for when she goes down the hall, but she can't help checking in on the girls in the room next to Nathan’s. Becca is curled into a corner while Mollie is sprawled out, hogging most of the bedspread. Tessa tiptoes in and pulls some over for Becca, tucking it in around her. Becca smiles in her sleep and Tessa is so tempted to run her hand through her hair, but she knows this isn't what Becca wants.

She finds Scott in the next room over, sitting up with covers pulled back like he was just about to get up. He's dressed in a faded, worn fire department shirt and boxers, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He smiles at her and it pulls her entire heart. She's never seen him as he wakes up, as vulnerable and new as can be, this hasn't been a part of his life that was open to her before. But now it is. And it's a joy and a tragedy all at once. When she starts to cry, she doesn't know if it's for Jonathan or for him, but Scott catches her when she stumbles over to the bed, and holds her right back when she has no words. All she can do is hold on.

—

Tessa has gone crazy and, really, he should have expected it.

She’s still wearing her coat, no doubt to help hide her stomach which has definitely made itself known over the last two weeks, and setting up the array of baked goods she’s brought in. There are brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and a sugar pie, not to mention butter tarts. It looks like she’s setting up for a bake sale more than anything, something that Anne says out loud when she walks in and takes a look at the spread.

“Oh, I just had some extra time on my hands,” Tessa says as she slices the pie, making sure there are enough slices for every one in the group. “I couldn’t decide what to make so I made it all!”

Anne puts her hands on her hips and looks straight at him. “We’re telling the group tonight,” he says quietly.

He hears Tessa make a slightly pained noise from beside him as she takes a moment to make sure no one else has arrived. There’s still only Boris sitting on the other side of the room, fiddling with his hearing aid. She lets out a small breath when she realizes they’re safe, even though he hasn’t said anything damning at all. Tessa pops open the sides of yet another carrier, revealing the bannock she’s also made. She could feed a small army with this spread. “I feel like I’m on fire.” She releases a whoosh of air and reaches up to pull her hair up into a bun before realizing she doesn’t have a hair tie on her wrist, another sign that morning sickness is definitely behind her.

She fixes Anne with a look and even though Anne rolls her eyes exaggeratedly, his friend still pulls the hair tie from her own hair quickly to give to Tessa. Anne roots around in her bag until she finds a pen. “No one is going to call you out.” She puts the pen between her teeth as she gathers her hair, her next sentence garbled. “You could walk in with a baby and we wouldn’t ask.” Anne slides the pen into her hair and it stays in the bun she put it in. Scott has no idea how she managed to do that. He hopes the girls never ask him to do that for them because he can’t even imagine where to start.

“I don’t want anyone to think we were being dishonest,” Tessa admits, lips worrying their way towards a frown. Scott slings his arm around her shoulders and brings her close. She relaxes into a sigh against him.

“Tess,” Anne starts and Scott is surprised to find himself bristling at the nickname usage. It had taken him months to call Tessa that and he was inside her regularly during that time. “If anyone thought either of you were shitty people, we would’ve called you out instead of placing bets.” Tessa nods, conceding the point. “Besides, we all share on our own time.” He can feel Tessa look up at him but he refuses to look back at her. It doesn’t matter though because Anne’s eyes narrow at the movement and then she’s leaning across the table to punch him in the arm that hangs at his side. “I can’t believe you told her!”

“Hey! You didn’t say I couldn’t!” It’s the truth but weak in terms of a retort.

Tessa swoops in. “He told me to cheer me up.” She smiles, keeps her voice low when she adds, “And I’m very happy for you. I can’t wait to hear about her when you’re ready.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Anne mutters, waving off Tessa’s genuine sentiments. “I think by the time that happens, your hands will be full with something else.” Boris calls out for Anne and she goes to help their friend as Tessa resumes her fiddling with all the treats she made.

“You really should take your coat off. You’re starting to look a little flushed.” Scott knows it probably has to do with Tessa trying not to work herself up but the heater did just kick on. Between the much too heavy coat _and_ the sweater Tessa is wearing under it, she’s due to overheat soon.

Tessa worries her lip, turning to him with her hands holding her coat open. “The sweater still hides it?” She had asked him _and_ Jordan before they left just to verify, in addition to FaceTiming Tanith for a third opinion. “This lighting is different and maybe Tanith couldn’t tell through the phone.”

He’s probably not the best judge since he knows that beneath the bulky blue knit her skin is stretched to accommodate their baby. In fact, any time he’s around Tessa now, he’s searching out all the little changes he knows are there, eager to see them. “Well, I think Jordan and I have pretty good eyes. It doesn’t look any different. I promise.”

Anne pops up behind Tessa, her hands going straight to Tessa’s. “Take off the damn coat before you pass out.”

“You’re bossy,” Tessa says, tossing a scowl over her shoulder.

“It’s her form of friendship,” Scott adds. It is nice to see Anne so engaged with Tessa. Not that they aren’t friendly but he thinks they’re officially out of the ‘grief group friend’ category.

Anne murmurs her agreement as she helps Tessa out of her coat. “Congrats,” she quips. “You’ve made it.”

Tessa smirks and smooths down her sweater. “Oh, so does this mean I can share with you all the details about Scott?”

“ _Him_ ?” Anne wrinkles her nose. “I’d much rather get the details about _you_ from him.”

Her head tips back in a big laugh, her cheeks coloring. “Thanks. But, you know, you will have to hear about sex with men at some point. What if your daughter or son likes guys?”

Anne is shaking her head before Tessa’s even finished the sentence. “Nope, not going to happen. As far as I’m concerned, both of my kids are going to end up ace. I don’t think I can survive them being gay or straight.” That has Tessa laughing again and Scott shoots Anne the most grateful smile. He owes her for taking Tessa’s mind off this. He’ll take her out to lunch soon. Or maybe offer to babysit while she disappears with her mystery woman.

Everyone compliments Tessa on the spread as they fill in, except for Kurt who starts counting off the group. “Has someone died?” he asks. “What’s all this for?” Tessa spouts off the same line she gave Anne and Kurt looks at her sympathetically as he grabs a plate.

Amanda hits her gong. “Before we dive into our topic for today, is there anything someone wants to talk about?” Tessa takes a deep breath next to him. Scott wants to reach out, to take her hand. Maybe he should be the one to say it? She’s already had to tell so many people, he can do this.

He should’ve listened to Tessa when she said she wanted to plan what to say. She probably wouldn’t have baked so much too. No one seems to be complaining about that, though.

Scott puts his arm on the back of Tessa’s chair, thumb coming to rub between her shoulders. A small, hidden touch, all he’ll give until she lets him know she wants more. Her eyes flutter and then she’s sitting up straighter, a look of calm determination on her face.

“Anne and I have been sleeping together.”

All eyes turn to Madi who has her hands covering her own face. Scott gets his bearings first and, in tandem, he and Tessa turn to look at Anne. She’s shrunk down into her chair, one arm crossed over her chest, her eyes staring at the floor as she rubs a finger between her eyebrows. He’s never seen Anne blush (though he has seen her red from anger) but there’s no other way to describe the coloring on her face. She’s only two shades off from her hair.

Tessa looks back at him, her eyebrows still up to her hairline. Scott has no idea what to do with any of this so he just gapes back at her, shaking his head helplessly.

Kurt seems to recover next. “Is that why there are so many treats?” he asks around a butter tart. “Did you know, Tessa?”

Scott can see the accusation is upsetting her. She never wants to be viewed as dishonest or secretive he’s come to realize, so admirable in her quest to be a good person. He can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to have him as a secret for so long. Tessa shakes her head feverently. “Not at all! I did all that because I’m pregnant!”

The gong crashes to the floor and now everyone is looking at Amanda, their leader sputtering as she flips through one of the many books she always brings with her. “If you could just…” she starts laughing. “I’ve never had to deal with this.” She grabs a different book, pushing her hair back before opening that one. “I don’t know how to respond.”

Boris grunts, the spotlight on him as he puts his hearing aid back in his ear. “What is happening? Are Madi and Tessa having a baby?” He looks between Madi and Tessa. “You still had to plan that, right?”

Kaitlyn puts her hand on his arm. “No,” she says, voice louder than usual. “Madi is sleeping with Anne. Tessa is having a baby.” The blonde cocks her head to the side and looks Scott straight in the eyes. “With you?”

Scott sighs and nods. “I’m the father.”

“This is so much to process,” Amanda mutters right as Madi asks, “When?”

“Boris won the bet,” Anne says. Her normal color has returned but she still sounds hesitant to bring any attention to herself.

Madi’s head whips to look at Anne. “How do you know?”

Scott scratches the back of his neck. “I told her.”

Anne is shooting daggers at him. “You knew and didn’t tell me!” Madi exclaims. Anne flips him off while turning an apologetic look to Madi.

“O-KAY,” Amanda shouts with a clap of her hand. She stands up, gathering her things. “Everyone, we’re going to a bar. This is too much for me without a glass of wine.”

Between Scott’s van and Anne’s hatchback, the entire group makes it to the closest bar, all of Tessa’s treats in hand. The bartender, a woman with an undercut and a full sleeve tattoo, starts shaking her head at all the containers but Kaitlyn is quick to put her hand on Tessa’s shoulder, a sad smile turned towards the bartender. “She’s pregnant. Don’t deny her this.” Tessa opens up the Tupperware in her hands, offering a brownie. It does the trick because as soon as the bartender takes a bite, she’s waving their whole group in.

“I’m the dad,” Scott says. It’s the first time this entire pregnancy that he’s been able to say it with as much joy as he feels. This woman doesn’t know him. All their histories don’t exist. Right now, he’s just a happy, expectant father and Tessa, who beams up at him, is just a happy mom-to-be.

Boris makes his way to the bar. “In my day, that got a man a free drink.”

Anne scoffs. “You know who deserves a free drink? Me. For managing to sleep with her,” Anne says, thumb pointing at Madi who just nods, her own smile taking up her face.

If he didn’t know any better, he’d think the whole lot of them were already drunk.

The bartender laughs and puts two glasses onto the bar, pours two fingers of whiskey into each. “Congrats.”

Their group takes over two tables near the back, drinks and pastries littering the table top. Amanda has a whole bottle of wine in front of her but she finally looks like her normal self again. There’s less talking over everyone here, in this noisy bar, the shock having slipped away into curiosity. Scott laughs at Anne who blushes when Madi tells the story of when they got together (after a meeting, over a bottle of wine) and he holds Tessa close to him as they take turns telling everyone about when they started and about the baby. No one asks if they’re dating, the same way no one asked if Madi and Anne were to be considered girlfriends now. Those questions carry too much weight and their friends know that, letting them stay in this beautiful bubble a little while longer. Scott stands to buy the next round as Tessa pulls up her sweater so that Boris and Amanda can see the swell.

“This night went exactly how I expected,” Tessa says on the drive back to her place later that night. She laughs when he looks at her like she’s crazy. “God, I don’t think I saw it playing out like this in my wildest dreams.”

Scott shakes his head, flicks on his blinker. “Never.” He leans over to give her knee a quick squeeze. “It was pretty perfect though, wasn’t it?”

Tessa nods. Her hand strokes her belly absentmindedly beneath her sweater, her coat abandoned in the back seat. “No other way to describe it.” She smiles before letting out a dreamy sigh. “Tonight makes me feel like it’s all going to be okay.”

Scott pulls over to the side of the road. Tessa’s head already lolls to look at him, her hands already reaching for his. He doesn’t make the promise that it’ll be okay. They both know that he wouldn’t be able to keep that promise, life too fickle and cruel at times, no match for a mere mortal like either of them. But, so help him, he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure their families are okay. And _that_ is what he promises her, pledges to do all that he can to make her and their kids as close to happy as they can be.

Tessa unbuckles and then her lips are against his, a hand carding through the hair at the back of his head. It feels just as overwhelming as the first time, feels like it’s been years since he last kissed her when it’s only been a few weeks. He can taste the butter tart mingling with the cherry she stole from Boris on her tongue, swallows the laugh that bubbles up inside of her when their teeth clash. He doesn’t know if tonight is the ‘yet’ that has loomed over them since that day at her house, so he’s going to soak this up for as long as Tessa will let him, kiss her until she’s stolen all of his breath, until she’s made him hers.

A perfectly unexpected night, indeed.

—

It starts when the kids want to watch a movie (start being a loose term).

Scott and the girls are at her house for lunch and it’s, well, a little awkward really. Mollie chatters the whole way through like nothing has changed but Becca just picks at her food and will barely look at Tessa (and it cuts her up inside). Scott tries to coax her into joining in, but nothing seems to do the trick. Nathan is oblivious to it all, just excited to have his friends here.

It’s him who leads them into the movie room after they finish eating, excited to share one of his favourite movies with them. Both girls are a little awed by the large screen but quickly make themselves at home when Nathan produces _The Lion King_. Becca tells him it’s one of her favourites too, and Tessa is so grateful and relieved that Scott’s eldest is still so kind to her little boy even when she won’t interact with her outside basic courtesies.

Scott and the girls set themselves up on the bean bags while Nathan cuddles up beside her on the couch, but it doesn’t take long for her son to venture over to the girls, wanting to be part of the fun as they sing along with “Circle of Life”. He’s content sharing a bean bag with Mollie, looking back at Tessa occasionally with a big smile like he’s proud to be hanging out with bigger kids, until it comes to the scene where Simba and Nala first encounter the hyenas. It’s always unsettled him and usually he heads straight for her if she’s with him, but today Scott is closer and it’s his lap Nathan climbs onto.

Scott looks over to her like he wants to know how she feels about this, but the thing is that she doesn’t know how she’s feeling herself. So she just smiles, perhaps a little weakly. She’s maybe a little sad that Nathan didn’t go back to her, and maybe a little guilty that Scott is here and so familiar to him not even a year after Jonathan’s death, but she’s also happy he’s so comfortable with Scott. It’s a good thing, really, what with how closely they’re all linked now and that Nathan has someone else in his life who he can turn to when he’s nervous or scared. Scott is so sweet with him, giving him a hug and whispering something quietly in his ear. She notices how he squeezes Mollie’s shoulder too, the harder set to her jaw the only hint she might be a little stressed by this scene as well.

Tessa has always found competence a turn on. It’s probably what had attracted her to Jonathan at the start, how easily he could do all that complicated math, and how confident he was at explaining it to her, even if he struggled to her look her in the eye for the rest of their first sessions. Another turn on was men who are good with kids. And Scott is just so incredibly good with kids. She doesn’t know if it’s natural ability or experience or, most likely, a combination of the two, but it’s amazing. It has Tessa ruining her pretty silk panties.

She had wondered if the uptick in sex drive she’d experienced last time around wouldn’t present itself this pregnancy what with all the added stressors, but that’s definitely not the case. It had come on a little later this time maybe, but for the past week it’s like she’s been strung out, her body extra sensitive and always thinking of Scott. She can’t even go take care of things right now, not with him and all their kids here. Or can she? It won’t take long, and she’s already left Nathan with just Scott and the girls for longer than this, although he had been asleep for a lot of that. But he’s perfectly content and she’ll only be upstairs.

She gets up off the couch and three heads turn towards her. “I have a little headache, so I might go up to my room and lie down for a few minutes, is that okay?” She really did have one earlier, and it’s still lingering a little, so it’s not exactly a lie.

Mollie’s eyes widen. “Are you sick?”

Tessa steps towards her. This sounds like it might be a recurring worry of Mollie’s, which is completely understandable but makes her heart ache. “No, sweetie, not at all. It’s just a pregnancy symptom, something that happens sometimes when you’re expecting a baby.” This is selfish of her. “You know, I’m feeling better already, I’ll just get a glass of water and…”

“No,” Scott says, firm but still kind. “Go up and rest. We’ll be fine down here, won’t we?” Nathan  and Mollie nod, and then Becca too.

“Okay. I have the monitor up there so if you need me just shout or call my phone.” She points towards the baby monitor. She’s planning on turning it down once she gets up there but she’ll still hear anything loud.

“Let me know if there’s anything you need.”  There’s one thing she very much needs from him, but it’s something she definitely can’t say here. So she just smiles, trying not to lick her lips when he smiles right back, and goes upstairs.

Bedroom door firmly closed behind her, Tessa makes quick work of her leggings. She keeps her underwear on just in case. It’s easier to come up with a lie about switching out pants than it is to explain why she’s nude from the waist down. She doesn’t even bother to lay back, just slumps down on the foot of the bed and shoves her hand into her underwear. The first brush of her fingers on her clit feel like heaven, her toes curling where they press on the ground. Her legs spread wider, hand slipping against the wet heat of her cunt. She’s so turned on it physically hurts and she doesn’t understand how she can still be this hard up when she had just gotten off last night.

She sighs in relief when she swirls two fingers firm on her clit, finally falls back so that she can work those fingers deep inside her. She’s so wet it’s audible, so wet she nearly misses the sound of the doorknob turning, the whole thing opening slowly. Her legs fly shut, only mildly relieved to see Scott, too worried that one of the kids is with him. “Tess-“

His head pops in and he stays like that, just staring at her with wide eyes. Her face feels like it’s burning. God, what must he think of her? Leaving all of them downstairs so she could come masturbate. “Sorry,” she rushes out. The urge to whimper at the loss of her own fingers is strong but she chokes it down, discreetly trying to wipe her hand on her thigh as she sits up. “Let me just — I’m sorry.”

He finally comes in when she gets to her feet. A flicker of unsurety crosses over his face and his hand hesitates on the doorknob. “Is… is it okay that I’m in here?” She nods, if only because she doesn’t trust her own voice right now. She imagines she’ll sound wrecked and desperate, exactly what she feels. “Nathan and Mollie fell asleep… Becca is watching the movie.” His eyes are firmly locked on the bare skin of her stomach, the rounded skin exposed from where her shirt has ridden up.

Tentatively he reaches out and _god_ , she wants him to touch her so bad. She needs it.

She steps closer and nods again, taking his hand in her own and guiding it to her belly. He hasn’t touched her properly since she told her family and even then her stomach hadn’t popped, not really. Scott is looking at her like she’s something holy, calloused hand impossibly soft over where their baby grows. “God,” he sighs, “you are so beautiful.” She wonders if she’ll ever tire of hearing that from him. It doesn’t seem likely.

“Scott.” She swallows hard and licks her lips, body angling towards him when he looks at her. His eyes are so dark they’re almost black. “It’s time.”

“You’re sure?”

Whenever she would let herself think about this happening again, it went nothing like this. The kids certainly weren’t downstairs, she wasn’t caught with her hand down her panties, it wasn’t three o’clock in the middle of the goddamn day.

She cannot imagine waiting.

Her voice is choked when she says, “Yes,” her whole body falling into his when his hand slides around her waist, the other hand cradling the back of her head as he kisses her. It’s just as amazing as it was in the car last week, just as needy, and she could cry from relief at having him pressed against her again and from the tension coiling inside her, desperate to be unleashed.

There’s a moment of hesitation, an unsure tremble of her lips against his own, born from the knowledge that their kids are in the house. She wants to make absolutely sure the kids are good downstairs, that he’s certain that Mollie and Nathan will stay asleep and that Becca won’t come looking for him (because Tessa knows that it’ll be a very long while before the girl seeks her out). But then Scott is nipping at her bottom lip, his hand stroking up her back until his palm is flat and comforting against her, and all other thoughts leave her mind, her focus narrowing down to him.

Her hands slip into the neck of his shirt, fingers splayed low along the column of his neck and along his shoulders, her thumb tucking under his silver chain. It feels so different to be pressed up against him now, the firm swell of their baby between them. She knows that eventually they won’t be able to align themselves like this, that she’ll grow too big and force him back, but as it stands now, his body curves to accommodate her own. When she had been pregnant with Nathan, Jonathan’s hands were on her constantly and Tessa hadn’t realized just how much she’s missed being touched. With a start, she realizes that it’s so much deeper than that. It’s not just any touch that she’s aching for, it’s that she’s craved Scott. His skin, his hands, his lips are the ones she’s wanted on her. She wants him to feel the wonderful mess they’ve created that is so visible to the world now.

The back of her legs hit the mattress, a surprised laugh escaping the sliver of space between their mouths. Sitting down, she drags her hands down the hard plane of his torso to make quick work of the button on his jeans. He’s half hard when she takes him out of his boxers, twitches in her fist, and she only pauses long enough to pull her hair behind her shoulders before bringing him to her mouth, lips wrapping around the head of his cock. “Tess,” he sighs, like the amen at an end of a prayer. Her tongue traces the ridge of him, jaw opens a little wider to swallow more of him. He grows firm with three bobs of her head and she fully intends to keep going, to make him come in her mouth even though her cunt is literally throbbing with want, only for him to take a step back, shattered, puffed breaths coming from his mouth. “This is going to be over embarrassingly fast.”

He follows his words with something like a self-deprecating chuckle, an apologetic smile already on his face. She shakes her head, not wanting him to worry about that, but then decides to nod in agreement. “I think I might come the minute you slip inside,” Tessa confesses with a laugh of her own.

The smile he wears now is her favorite; he looks so boyish, stupefied and earnest all at once. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Scott palms her cheek, thumb rubbing at the apple of her cheek softly. “Probably a good thing.” He uses his other hand to try and push his pants down before Tessa takes over and does it herself. “We have to perfect the art of the quickie now.” She laughs indelicately as she leans back on the bed to shimmy out of her own underwear. Scott grins wider, taking her panties from her grasp once they get to her calves, tossing them to the other side of the room. He curses under his breath when her legs fall open around his hips and she echoes the sentiment when he cups her, three fingers spreading her lewdly before they retreat to wet his cock.

She debates pulling her shirt off but then Scott is grabbing her thigh to open her for him and she becomes a bobblehead, nodding so rapidly and chanting, " _please, please, please_ ,” as he shuffles closer and presses his cock against her cunt.  He tries to ease into her, eyes roaming everywhere. She thinks he must be worried about making her uncomfortable but the only thing that’s doing that is how slow he’s going. The heel of her foot digs into the base of his back, other leg wrapping around him tight and forcing him to bottom out. It steals her breath to have him stretch her again, the relief of being with him like this bringing tears to her eyes.

His hands squeeze her hips once then slide to cover the curve of her belly, pushing her shirt up just enough to get a look at her stomach. She thinks he looks like he might cry too.

He drops down on to an elbow beside her head, his hips pulling back slow only to push back in, sharp and hard and brilliant. His hand skirts up to her breast but he doesn’t linger there, instead coming back to her head and tangling in her hair. She tilts her head to his before he has a chance to guide her, fisting her own hands in his hair. Their kisses are messy and rushed, just like the rhythm of their hips. Still her toes start to curl, her thighs tensing as her cunt squeezes impossibly tight around his cock. His laugh is breathless, nothing more than a hot puff of air against her wet and swollen lips. “You’re pushing me out.”

She whines and lets one leg fall to the bed, holding it there with a hand to the back of her knee. “Just gotta fuck harder,” she says, peppering kisses along the side of his face. “I’m so close, Scott.”

He groans, nods. “Stop me if it’s too much.” He puts his hand over hers, opens her up even further. He does exactly as she said then, a renewed vigor in his hips. There’s a delicious friction against her clit between the hem of his shirt and the angle of his hips against her own, and before she realizes what’s happening, she locks up around him, coming so hard that her whole body shakes in the aftermath of it, the bed beneath her soaking. Scott doesn’t even make it through his next thrust, biting down on her shoulder as he empties himself inside her, all his weight on the one elbow holding him up.

He falls onto his side, so careful not to lean on her and, after a second to catch her breath, she turns to face him. “I can’t believe we went without that for three months,” she laughs.

She’s about to kiss him when he says, “Three months?!” He’s so fucking cute when he furrows his brow like that.

She nods as she kisses him again. “Well, the last time was when I was four weeks, and now I’m sixteen so... yeah, give or take.”

He runs his hand over her belly, an amazed smile on his face. “They’re getting bigger.”

The taste of wonder is on her lips when she kisses him, light and intoxicating. She doesn’t want to stop, just wants to keep her lips on his and his arms around her. Tessa thinks that she’s needed this as much as anything else, maybe even more so. She drags her teeth on his bottom lip, swallowing his moan. “I thought about you all the time,” she confesses. “I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

“Me?” he asks, small and unsure, and then his eyes cloud over a little, like he regrets saying anything.

“You,” she confirms, dragging his head down to hers so she can make him feel everything she can’t say. She doesn’t want to question this right now, doesn’t want to have to explore all the complicated emotions she feels for two men, the two fathers of her children, the one who’s gone who she has so much history with and the one who’s here in her bed with whom so much is still unknown.

Her eyes flutter shut in pleasure when they pause to catch their breath, his forehead warm and reliable against hers. “I could stay here with you all day, but we should probably go down to the kids.”

She nods, laughing a little when their noses bump off each other. “Good idea. I haven’t heard anything on the monitor but I don’t want to leave them too long.” She had forgotten to turn it down at all she’d been so desperate for relief when she got up here, she thinks it’s Rafiki’s voice she can hear, tinny and far away.

Scott freezes. “Tess, can they hear things?! Through the monitor?!”

“No!” she manages to get out before the laughter becomes too much. “It’s one-way.”

“Thank God,” he breathes out.

“I’m going to clean up before we go down, can you help me up?” Her body is still a little jelly-like.

He sits up and pulls her hands so gently, pausing to fix her hair once she’s sitting upright. She kisses his cheek before standing up, going over to her drawers to pick out some fresh underwear, feeling his eyes on her body as she does this and then makes her way into the bathroom.

Scott is fully dressed when she comes back out, her leggings neatly folded beside him. She pulls them on quickly, leaning against his shoulder for support. “This was good practice for an essential part of parenting,” she says.

“Sneaking away to fuck?” he asks, the word sounding so inviting on his lips.

“Yeah.” She bends her head to kiss him again, leaving her forehead resting against his in the aftermath.

“I want to get everything right with you,” he says, quiet but serious. She doesn’t know how he’s quantifying everything, or what that means to her, and it thrills and terrifies her in equal measure.

“We’re not going to get it all right,” she reminds him. It’s impossible to do that, even in an ideal situation.

He tilts his chin, kissing her again. “But we can try.”

“We can try,” she repeats, holding him close. Then they stand up and go downstairs together.

 

 


	6. old souls we found a new religion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you (again) to everyone for your support and love of our story. It's so far beyond anything we could have imagined. Special thank you to our incredible group of friends who betaed this looong chapter for us (can you believe we thought this chapter would be shorter than the last?). We'd also like you to know that we as writers don't understand semicolons so it is only because of our great betas that they're included in our story. 
> 
> The next chapter may take a little longer because we both have a lot of real-life business to attend to that sadly has to take precedence over our beloved characters

**_October 2018_ **

It’s more nerve-wracking than she expected, driving out to the Moirs’ in Ilderton without Scott.

He’d offered to bring them but Tessa didn’t think it would be a good idea. Becca still isn’t comfortable with her just yet, not to mention, it’s a Halloween tradition for the Bradys to go with the Whites, and Tessa isn’t about to shake up Nathan’s traditions anymore than she already has.

So, out she drives, palms sweating around the steering wheel as her little farmer sings Old MacDonald from his car seat. There are pumpkins rolling around in the back of the car, one for each of them to carve at Alma and Joe’s, plus another in Nathan’s lap, though that one is a mini pumpkin that he’s taken to sleeping with ever since he got it from the pumpkin patch earlier this week.

She hopes that her real costume for later isn’t getting too smushed, before realizing it probably doesn’t matter too much; it is just a onesie after all. Tessa adjusts the headband for the costume she _is_ wearing, making sure her horns and ears are centered. Nathan was insistent that she be a cow because, “Mama, farmers need a cow,” and, while she didn’t want to meet Scott’s extended family in the ridiculously over-the-top cow onesie she’ll be wearing for trick or treating, she couldn’t leave her best boy hanging at the party. There’s a tail pinned to the hem of her cow print shirt and she had considered painting her belly pink for the udder, before deciding that only Nathan will get to witness that later. She can’t have the Moirs thinking she’s crazy, nor does she want to bring more attention to her stomach than necessary. She doesn’t think Scott would lie about how his family feels, but there is a chance that perhaps they were pretending to be okay with it for Scott’s sake.

“Mama,” Nathan says suddenly. She catches his eyes in the rear-view mirror, unable to stop her smile. He looks like the most adorable farmer she’s ever seen, not that she’s seen many, but he really just looks so smart in his red plaid shirt and blue jean overalls and black rubber boots, his green John Deere cap completing the whole look. “We don’t have pumpkins for sharing!” He looks so distressed. “What about Mollie and Becca?”

Her heart swells. She’s so thankful that Nathan is as compassionate as he is, especially after everything. There had been behavior issues after the accident, some that still show up on bad days, but thankfully nothing in the realm of anger or meanness. At the root of it, he’s still just as sweet as can be. “I think Scott made sure the girls have their own pumpkins, darling.”

Nathan lets out an audible breath and cuddles his pumpkin closer. “Thank goodness.”

The rest of the drive passes by with the two of them singing along to Monster Mash on repeat. Nathan only gets the words right during the chorus, the rest a jumble of approximations until Tessa puts on a Dracula accent and sends him into a fit of laughter that leaves his face tinged pink. Once she pulls into the drive of the Moir house, Nathan gasps. There are pumpkins all over the porch, fake cobwebs strung through the bannister and from the eaves, ghosts and bats flying in the wind from where they hang. It looks like there may be some decorations in the second storey windows too, a mummy, Tessa thinks, in one of them, the other too dark for her to really make out. It’s so nice to see people go all out still, reminding her of when she was a kid and Halloween was a big deal.

“So many things,” Nathan says, craning his neck to see as much as he can from his seat.

Scott rounds the corner of the house looking… well, somehow both ridiculous and completely charming in his sheriff Woody costume. Yellow is definitely not Scott’s colour and the vest is interesting but everything else _really_ works for him. He’s all smiles as he comes up to the door, opening it for her when she kills the engine. “Well aren’t you just the cutest cow I’ve ever seen,” he greets, a soft drawl to his voice.

Nathan is quick to pipe up, “Mama is _beautiful_ ,” his voice as stern as being three will allow.

Scott ducks his head so that he can see Nathan. “You are absolutely right, Nathan. Your mama is very beautiful.” Tessa smiles, first at Nathan who looks very proud of himself, and then at Scott, who dips in to leave a kiss at the corner of her lips. She wishes it had been a little more like a proper kiss but that’s not something they do in front of the kids so she can’t fault Scott at all. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Pumpkins and treats for the kids and adults are in the trunk.” With a tip of his cowboy hat, Scott takes off to the back of the car, giving Tessa a look at the pull-string on the back of his vest. “You really made sure to get all the details right, didn’t you?” she asks once she climbs out of the car. He doesn’t say anything but he does pick up his boot, ANDY written in capital letters along the bottom. “Your commitment to the costume is _very_ attractive.”

Scott’s eyebrow is already cocked by the time she reaches him on her way to the other side of the car. “If you pull the string, I’ll even tell you where a snake is hiding.” It is completely inappropriate given that he’s a character from a children’s movie and her son is in the car and his family is just around back, but Tessa finds herself biting her lip anyway as she wraps her finger around the plastic ring at his back and gives it a tug. “There’s a snake in my boot,” he bellows, right in her face, and Tessa is helpless to do anything but let out a big belly laugh, bending over from the force of it, her hand sliding to rest at the base of his back.

“You’re such a dork,” Tessa laughs. Scott’s eyes dart behind her quickly before pulling her behind the car properly and bending to press a real kiss against her lips. It’s an indulgence she wants to fall into for as long as they’ll be able to but there are more important things to go about today. “Come on, let’s get going.”

Nathan is a little grumpy when she goes to unbuckle him. “Mama, you took a time.”

Tessa frowns, a seedling of guilt taking root in her gut. “I’m sorry, baby,” she apologizes, even as she tries to remember that Nathan would still be cross if it was Jonathan she had been canoodling with. She can still recall one time when Nathan was about eighteen months where she and Jonathan were kissing on the floor while Nathan played, only for their little boy to climb into her lap and turn her face away from Jonathan’s, forcing her to look at him.

Nathan seems content to stay on her hip so Tessa lets him, wanting to carry him for as long as she can. It works out well since Scott has managed to grab everything else, thanks in part to him making use of one of the reusable bags in her trunk. When he falls in line beside them, Nathan very proudly tells Scott, “I’m a farmer!”

“I see that! What do you do on your farm?” Scott asks.

“Oh,” Nathan says nonchalantly as he puts his small pumpkin in the pocket at the front of his overalls, “everything.” Tessa shakes her head and joins Scott in his laughter. Marner comes bounding up to them causing Nathan to start kicking his legs excitedly. “Marner a horse now?”

“For Halloween,” Scott says.

Mollie, or who Tessa assumes is Mollie based on how she comes running up, throws herself at Tessa’s legs. “You’re here!” she exclaims. “Do you like my costume?” She pulls back to give a little twirl, adjusting the mask when it slips further than her eyes.

Tessa is grateful that she had a heads up as to the costume Mollie chose because it is such a delightful array of things. She isn’t sure she would’ve guessed it on the first try and the last thing she wants to do is upset Mollie. “I love it,” Tessa says, honestly. “It’s so creative! But I didn’t know you were going to be a _princess_ hockey playing ninja.”

Mollie touches the bedazzled crown proudly. “I thought it added a little something.” Tessa thinks her cheeks are going to hurt by the end of the night with how much she’s been laughing. Nathan keeps wiggling in her arms and so she sets him down, thrilled to see him immediately take Mollie’s hand and ask where Becca is. They start walking off with Marner at their side before Mollie remembers herself. “Can we go find Becca?”

Scott still defers to her, head tilted in question to see if it’s okay. Tessa wonders when that’ll change. “Go on ahead,” she says with a smile. With permission, the two take off as fast as their legs can carry, Marner trying to wiggle his way in between them. He barks at their laughs, the sounds winding together in a way that warms her heart. “How’s Becca?”

“On cloud nine.” Scott hefts the bag holding the pumpkins higher on his shoulder. “She got a lot of compliments on her costume at school. Even won the costume contest for her grade!”

He’s so proud. “I can’t wait to see it,” Tessa replies warmly, even if she doesn’t think Becca is excited to see her.

“So,” he says, taking in a deep breath. “The entire family is here, except Danny. He’s still at work but should be on his way. I’m going to say I’m sorry now for how… _much_ everyone can be.”

She rolls her eyes big smiles all the same. “I come from a big family, you know.”

Scott grimaces. “Yeah, but they’re not Moirs.”

The backyard is done up even more than the front was, a whole gaggle of kids running between the maze made of haystacks and the table where pumpkin carving is just starting. There’s a bunch of food out on a table, a face painter near the old barn that Joe is working on.

“My parents do a haunted house for the older kids every year,” he explains. “The trick-or-treaters love it.” He juts his chin towards the face painter. “That’s my sister-in-law Nicole. She’s married to Charlie.”

He cranes his neck to get a good look at the assemblage but releases a small _oof_ when someone comes up behind his legs. “Uncle Scott!” A girl who looks around Becca’s age, maybe a little younger, pulls on the hem of his vest before she hooks her foot in the loop of Scott’s lasso and uses that to climb up. “Grandma said when you got back we could eat candy and now you’re back!”

Scott easily lifts his niece into his arms. “So you’re not just happy to see me, Lainey?”

He puts on an exaggerated pout that does nothing to sway the little girl who just says, “You were gone five minutes.” A bark of laughter escapes Tessa before she can stop it and Lainey finally seems to notice that she’s there. “Are you Uncle Scott’s friend?” She turns back to Scott. “What’d Daddy call her?” At Scott’s shrug, she looks back at Tessa. “I think it was baby mama. But that’s not a name, right? And Mom said he shouldn’t say that.”

“Lainey,” Scott is quick to chastise. Tessa blanches, eyes widening as her hand goes to rub at her stomach before thinking better of it. There’s no hiding it anymore, her belly still small but definitely rounded out and noticeable. She’s not sure she wants to draw any more attention to it, even though everyone here already knows.

“My name is Tessa,” she says before Scott can continue. After all, it’s not as if the girl is wrong. “I really like your costume! Ariel was my favourite princess.”

The little girl preens. “Thanks!” She hits Scott’s shoulders to get down once Alma calls for her.

“I’m so sorry,” Scott rushes out. He catches her elbow, thumb rubbing along her skin. “My brothers are idiots.” He adds, “Danny is her dad,” like this is an explanation in and of itself.

“It’s okay.” He looks so upset but it’s not his fault in the least bit. She’s just about to take his hand in hers, attempt to ground him the best she can, when Becca walks up with Nathan at her side. Her costume is gorgeous and so creative that Tessa wants to reach out and look at it up close. “Hi, Becca.”

Becca smooths her hands over the tutu made of book pages. It hurts that Becca still looks at her so wearily. “Hi, Tessa.”

“Mama, you can read Becca’s wings and skirt!” Nathan’s hands immediately go to the costume, thankfully gentle, but Becca doesn’t seem to be upset at how insistent Nathan is at touching it.

“I can see that! Did you tell Becca how nice her costume is?”

“ _So_ nice,” Nathan says.

Becca smiles at him but turns serious again when she looks up at Scott. “Daddy, Mollie tried to put Nathan on Marner again.”

“He’s wearing a saddle,” Mollie yells as she runs up to them. She’s managed to lose her hockey stick and her tiara but has a lollipop sticking out if the corner of her lips. “That makes it safer!”

Scott swears under his breath which only makes Tessa laugh. “Nathan might be too heavy for Marner to carry, Mol.”

She puts her hands on her hips. “You shouldn’t put a saddle on him then.”

“It’s a costume, Mollie! You’re not really a ninja hockey player princess!”

“You’re not really a book fairy, Bec-ca!”

Scott rubs along his brow while Nathan scoots closer to Tessa the louder the girls get. “They’ll kill me when they become teenagers,” he murmurs. “Girls, look, I think it’s time to carve pumpkins. Let’s just have a good day, okay?” The two grumble out their agreement, Mollie being the first to turn towards Alma who is at the folding tables filled with pumpkins. “You sure you still want to move in with us?”

She answers in an instant. “Of course.” Nathan takes her hand, giving it a little tug as he looks towards the girls. “I’ll only not want to if the kids don’t.” There’s something about the look on Scott’s face that Tessa can’t quite read, but the smile he sends her, small and cautious, keeps her calm all the same.

At the table, Scott introduces Tessa and Nathan to everyone. Most of the kids just wave, too focused on clearing the gunk from inside their pumpkins, but the adults send kind smiles. There’s a free seat next to Scott’s brother that Nathan takes her to. “Nice to finally meet you, Tessa. I’d shake your hand, but...” Charlie holds up his hand, covered in slimy pumpkin innards, a few seeds sticking to him too.

“It’s good to meet you too!” Tessa pulls Nathan into her lap and thanks Scott when he hands her the pumpkin she brought for him. She expects to get bombarded with questions but nothing seems to come, Charlie only offering to cut open the top of Nathan’s pumpkin before going back to helping his own kid.

She considers that maybe Charlie knows more about her than she does about him. Did Scott talk about her to him? She suddenly feels a little out of her depth. “The house is beautifully decorated.” She blurts it out too fast the first time and has to repeat it so Charlie can hear her.

He nods, focused on scraping out his pumpkin. “Oh yeah, Mom and Dad always go all out, ever since we were kids.”

Something like silence settles between them then, one that could probably sit comfortably since there is so much chatter from the kids, but Tessa’s mouth starts moving again on its own accord. “Do you have the day off work?” She’s wracking her brain trying to remember if Scott ever told her what Charlie does for a living.

“Yeah, I was able to swap a few things around. I’m a fire safety inspector,” he explains. “I used to work with Scott at the station, but I got injured in a nasty house fire and after that…” His hands still and Tessa takes her eyes off Nathan to look at Charlie, noting how he takes a deeper breath before rolling his shoulders back. “Nicole and I decided something else might be a better fit for us.”

Tessa wonders if Scott might be interested in something like that before chastising herself. He loves his work and she has no say in his choice to do it. It predates her, it’s how he provides for his family… She’s carrying part of his family now though. Maybe she does have a say, as scary as that fact is. “It’s a risky job.”

Charlie hums in agreement and then Tessa is distracted from the heaviness with Nathan asking her to make the eyes on the pumpkin bigger until Scott’s brother says, “Your job is risky too, in a different way.”

Quite a different way. Tessa has never risked her life for others. “It was at the beginning, not so much now, thankfully.” Those first few months had been scary, but the app had taken off quicker than they’d envisaged.

“We thought it was pretty funny that it was you Scott was…” Charlie clears his throat. “He’s not great with apps. I think he’s been locked out of his Instagram account for a year. Scott!” Charlie calls, “Have you asked Tessa for tech support yet?”

Scott raises his head from where it’s been bowed in serious discussion with Mollie to glower at his brother. “Tessa doesn’t work on the tech side of things, and I don’t want to bother her.”

“I don’t mind helping.” She definitely can’t handle real tech things, but getting back into an account is within her remit.

Charlie hops up. “You can swap seats with me and Tessa will have you up and running again in no time.” He leans in towards her and whispers, “I bet you every pumpkin on this table that the problem is he can’t remember which of the girls’ names is the password.”

Tessa is still trying not to laugh when Scott makes his way to her side. “Scott!” Nathan says, “Look at my pumpkin!”

Scott lets out a low whistle when Nathan turns the pumpkin to face him. “You’re doing such a great job. Would you like him to have glasses like you do? I think that would look pretty cool.”

Nathan lets out an excited laugh. He pushes the pumpkin over and then follows, climbing over from her lap onto Scott’s. “You do!”

Tessa is left feeling a little bereft. “What do we say when we ask for something?”

“Please, Scott.” If it wasn’t the cute little voice, the smile on her son’s face would convince anyone to do anything, and after looking to her for her approval, Scott starts carving, making a much quicker and tidier job of it than Tessa had any hope of doing.

She may as well make herself useful if Nathan has decided she’s surplus to requirements for pumpkin decoration. “Do you want to give me your phone so I can try and get you back in?”

Scott grabs his phone from his vest and hands it over to her with a sheepish grin. “I really never intended to make you do this.”

He’s so cute. “I didn’t even know you had an account,” she replies while flicking through his phone trying to locate the app. She’s surprised she didn’t even think to check whether he did have one when she googled him.

Scott shrugs and keeps his eyes focused on where he strips away the rind of the pumpkin around the eyes she carved. “Felt like a weird thing to say once I knew. And I never used it much when I could get into it anyway.”

“So is it a password problem?” she asks once she finds the app buried on the third page of his phone.

“I swear it’s…” he lowers his voice, “Becca2010.” His ears go a little red. “I know that’s probably really low security or whatever.”

“You have a capital at the start?” He nods. “The numbers make it harder, even though it has meaning obviously.” She drops the volume of her voice so that it matches his own. “Mine is App2010, so it’s not like I can cast any stones.”

He laughs. “Is that the year you launched it?” Nathan puts his hand over Scott’s as he completes the curve of the pumpkin’s glasses, her boy eager to pretend he’s doing it. “Big year for both of us.”

“It was.” She would smile at him, but the password isn’t working. “You’re sure it’s not another variation on that, or one with Mollie’s name?”

He shakes his head. “Mollie is my Facebook one.”

Tessa does smile then, and turns her attention to the space where he’s meant to enter his username or email. “Wait, no wonder it won’t let you in, you’re trying to get in with the wrong email.” At least, she thinks this is the problem; the email address isn’t one she’s seen before. “You don’t use this one right?” He shakes his head. She types in the now familiar address and then the password he gave her. “And here we go!”

He sighs. “Thank you! Can you follow your account with it?” His hands still much to Nathan’s displeasure. “If you’re okay with that,” he amends, continuing his carving.

“Of course I am.” They’re having a _baby_ together, of course he can follow her Instagram account. “It’s not very exciting though, I haven’t posted in forever.” It hadn’t felt right after Jonathan died, still didn’t really. But maybe a photo of Nathan hiding his head behind his pumpkin, which is starting to look remarkably similar to him for an orange gourd, would make for a sweet post. “I’ll follow you back later.” She takes a peek at his profile while she has it at her fingertips, and it’s exactly what she would have imagined – adorable photos of the girls and some landscape shots.

“Good job,” Nathan says, admiring Scott’s handiwork.

“Thank you very much, Nathan,” Scott says as he finishes up carving the pumpkin’s friendly smile. “Do you think it’s ready now?”

Nathan nods, putting his arms around Scott’s neck. “You’re the best!” It’s a new phrase for him, she’s not entirely sure where he came across it. Her first time hearing it had been when she cleaned up after he dropped half his pasta on the floor by accident when he got excited telling her about what he’d done with Marian and Frank earlier that day. Scott is wearing that sweet, boyish smile, and it tugs at her heart.

There’s movement behind them and Tessa turns to see Danny and a woman who she’s guessing is his wife. “Good to see you again,” Danny smiles, reaching out to shake her hand and then Nathan’s. Her son shakes his hand, but only after scrambling back into her lap and cuddling in against her. Danny gestures towards the woman beside him, “This is my wife, her name is Tessa, too.” He snorts. “Though I guess you’re Tessa Two and she’s Tessa One. Charlie’s the odd one out, he doesn’t have a Tessa.”

“Middle child syndrome,” the other Tessa suggests.

“Yeah,” Danny nods, “always has to be that little bit different.”

There’s something about Danny that reminds her of her brother Casey and she grins at the familiarity.

Scott is looking a little uncomfortable, but he brightens when Mollie comes running over, carrying her pumpkin. “Uncle Danny! Aunt Tessa! Can you guess what my pumpkin is?” She puts a hand over Scott’s mouth, struggling to hold the pumpkin with her other arm. “You can’t tell tell them, Daddy.”

Both Danny and Tessa frown. The pumpkin is decorated fairly conventionally, apart from a squiggle hacked out near the top, and what she thinks is meant to be a heart on the side. “Is it Harry Potter?” Danny asks, not sounding very confident. He points at the squiggle, “Is that the scar?”

Mollie shakes her head vigorously. “Tessa,” she frowns, “our friend Tessa, do you know what it is?”

She really hopes she’s right. “I think it’s a hockey playing ninja princess.”

Mollie hands the pumpkin to Scott and throws her arms around Tessa. “You’re the only person who got it right.” She puts her hand up for Nathan to high five. “I bet you knew too, Nate, but maybe those are hard words for you.”

Nathan nods, and Tessa and Scott both laugh, smiling at each other over their kids’ heads. “Would you like to play?” Nathan asks Mollie. She knows it’s something they’ve been talking about in playgroup this week, asking others if they’d like to join in. Pride surges through her at her polite baby.

“Yes! I can show you all around the garden.” Mollie puts out her hand and Nathan takes it and climbs down. “Some of the things are kind of scary, but I’ll be beside you!”

She’s not sure how much her hormones are involved, but Tessa does know she’s struggling not to cry right now. “That’s so kind of you, Mollie.” Tessa cups Mollie’s cheek in her hand, not really realizing what she’s doing. She runs her thumb softly back and forth, teases the edges of Mollie’s smile until she laughs.

The kids set off hand in hand and Scott gives her knee a very quick squeeze under the table, before asking his brother about work. The other Tessa turns to her and says, “Nathan is adorable, I know the girls are really fond of him.”

She preens. “They’ve both been amazing to him from the beginning.” Their baby has lucked out in the elder sibling department.

Danny’s wife is about to say something when her phone rings. “Sorry, it’s my mom, but I’d love to chat more later.” She steps away and turns back, “Alma made me try one of your brownies in the kitchen, they’re incredible!”

After she leaves Danny chimes in, “They really are, and if you want any you’d better go and get them because Mom is pushing them on everyone.”

Tessa really should go thank Alma for inviting her. “I’ll go in and talk to her. Do you guys want anything?”

“One of the brownies,” Scott says immediately. “Whether you made them or not.”

She swats his shoulder. “You’re not allowed any, but I made extras for the girls.” He winks at her as she goes, so maybe he is finally ready to admit that she actually can bake.

On her way towards the house, she sees Becca, Lainey, and another friend or cousin all still hard at work decorating their pumpkins. There’s a pang of sadness when she thinks of how Becca probably would have been excited to show her what she was working on before she knew about the baby. She misses those moments with her, feels like she’s missing so much even if not much time has passed.

She meets Joe at the backdoor while he’s making his way out to the garden. He’s dressed like a circus ringmaster, complete with a top hat and a waistcoat just like the one Hugh Jackman wore in _The Greatest Showman_. “Hello, Tessa,” he smiles, “how are you doing?”

He gives her shoulder a friendly squeeze and it makes her smile wider. “I’m good, this is such a great party. You and Alma put so much work into it.”

He shrugs this off. It reminds her a lot of Scott, the pair of them not realizing just how wonderful they are. “It’s as fun for us as it is for the kids.” He looks out at the backyard. “Is your little guy having a good time?”

“Yes, Scott helped him with his pumpkin and now he’s gone off exploring with Mollie.” He’s so comfortable with them, like they’re family already.

Alma pokes her head around the door; she has a beard around her chin and is wearing a Victorian style dress. “Hi! It’s good to hear he’s enjoying himself, I’ll have to see his costume later. I love your cow horns!”

Tessa smiles at Joe as he heads out and then joins Alma in the kitchen. “Thank you so much for inviting us.”

“We’re very happy you could make it out. I know you have a tradition with your friends for trick or treating.” Tessa can tell from Alma’s smile that she genuinely is happy that they’re here, and it makes her wonder if she should have taken Alma up on her offer to come out and visit earlier. Tessa just didn’t want to force herself in somewhere she wasn’t wanted.

“Yes, ever since Nathan was just a baby.” Tessa takes out her phone and scrolls through her albums before finding the one she’s looking for. “He was a little pumpkin.”

She hands Alma the phone and the older woman coos. “Oh, he was just the most precious little thing!”

“He was only about six weeks then.” They had packed the car full of everything they might need, even though they were only planning to go over for an hour and Tanith and Charlie already had basically all they were bringing with them seeing as Jenny was just two months older. Tessa encourages Alma to swipe through the other photos in the album to see Nathan and Jenny lying beside each other, Jenny in her flower costume with the headband she’d kept wrestling off her head. “That’s his best friend.”

“That’s so sweet.” The next photo is one of Jonathan cradling Nathan, with that look of wonder that never quite left his face those first few months. Alma clicks her tongue, her lips already curving into a smile. “What a beautiful picture.”

A sob leaves Tessa’s throat before she even knows that she’s crying. She rubs her eyes. “I’m sorry.” How embarrassing. And how ridiculous they must look, a pregnant cow crying in the middle of a kitchen with a bearded lady.

Alma puts an arm around her and draws her into her side. “And what do you have to be sorry about, honey?”

“I thought I did my crying earlier.” It had been as she was laying out Nathan’s costume and thinking this was the first of so many Halloweens Jonathan wouldn’t be there to see him. “I… It’s exhausting sometimes. That everything is significant, everything is the first time without him, even still.” It will soon be a full year. She can’t wait for the onslaught of firsts to slow. She wants a chance to breathe.

“I know. Why don’t we sit down somewhere comfy and have some tea? Do you want decaf?” Tessa nods, and then when she tries to backtrack and say that surely Alma has other people she wants to spend time with she’s firmly pushed into the living room and handed a stack of old photo albums. “You can look at all of Scott and his brothers’ costumes over the years. And some outfits that were much worse than costumes.” Alma presses a napkin into Tessa’s hand before she heads back to the kitchen. Tessa blows her nose and wipes her eyes before cracking open the album on top of the stack.

Scott was an absolutely adorable child. Big hazel eyes and a smile that was both cheeky and sweet. Maybe their baby will look just like him. She hopes, _no_ , is going to try her hardest to make sure their childhood is as happy as the one she sees in the photographs in front of her. Alma joins her with the tea and some brownies, and starts to tell her all the stories associated with the pictures, of how Scott was her sweetest boy, the one who kept trying to keep up with his big brothers. It’s warm and comforting, so much so that this house she’d been nervous to drive out to starts to feel a little like home.

She doesn’t know how long it’s been when Nathan and Mollie come marching in, Scott hurrying behind them. “Mama,” Nathan exclaims. He sounds worried but not scared, something she knows wouldn’t have been the case a few months ago. “I couldn’t find you!”

She scoops her son up in her arms, holding him close, and is relieved to see that his downturned mouth is soon smiling after some kisses and cuddles. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I was spending time with Scott’s mom, do you remember her from our visit?”

Nathan nods, holding out his hand for Alma to shake. “Built chicken house.”  

“You did build a chicken house!” Alma echoes. “Your mama and I have been looking at some photos of Scott when he was little. Mollie, you’ve seen all these, right?”

Mollie wiggles into the space between Tessa and Alma, and giggles when she sees what stage of her dad’s life they’ve reached. “Daddy looked funny when his hair was that weird white colour.”

Scott blanches and strides closer to them, Tessa can see that he’s fighting a desire to snatch the album out of her hands, but that’s not something he’d do in front of their kids. “I hear you were a big Eminem fan,” she teases.

He puts his hands over his eyes. “Mom, how could you do this to me?”

Alma rolls her eyes and Mollie giggles at the action, Nathan joining in just because he can.  “We’ve been having a great time. I haven’t even got to the part where…”

“Tessa,” Scott cuts in, “I actually came in to ask if you needed to be heading over to Tanith and Charlie’s?”

She laughs at first, but then looks at her phone and realises that she is running late. “Oh, I do.” She drops a kiss to the side of Nathan’s head. “Are you ready to go trick or treating with Jenny and CJ?”

His finger outlines one of the black spots on her shirt. “Can Mollie and Becca come?” he asks.

Mollie brightens and Tessa feels bad when she shakes her head. “I’m sorry, baby, but they’re staying here.” She rubs her hand over his back.

He frowns. “Why can’t we stay?”

She hadn’t expected him to not want to leave. Especially when he knows that Jenny is where they’re headed. “Because we told Jenny and CJ that we’d spend time with them today too, and we wouldn’t want them to be disappointed or miss hanging out with you, would we?”

Nathan seems to consider this. “Candy?” There’s a hopeful note back in his voice.

“Yes, there will be candy,” she promises.

Nathan gives a little nod, the bill of his cap nearly hitting her in the chin.

“Would it be quicker for you to get changed here?” Scott asks. “Then you could head out trick or treating once you get there.” This does make sense, but she doesn’t want any of the Moirs to see her in that cow get-up. Scott winks, “I’ll make sure no one sees you on your way out.”

She purses her lips before handing him her car keys from her pocket. If it’s his bright idea to put on this onesie here, he can go get it for her. “I like this costume,” Mollie says, tugging at Tessa’s t-shirt. “What’s your other one and why can’t we see it?”

“It’s another cow one,” she lowers her voice to a whisper, “and you can definitely see it.”

Mollie does a little celebration dance and Nathan starts copying her, both wiggling about. Tessa and Alma join in too, all of them bursting into laughter when Scott comes back in carrying her bag. “Well, looks like all of you are having fun,” he drawls as she tries to extricate herself from the couch. She tells Nathan she’ll be back soon, but he doesn’t seem to mind her leaving at all, too busy dancing with Mollie and Alma.

Scott takes her upstairs to his childhood bedroom so that she can change without anyone coming to bang on the downstairs bathroom door. There are still Leafs posters on the wall and some hockey trophies on the shelves and, after the photographs earlier, this feels like another glimpse into his life. She wonders what they would have made of each other if they’d met when they were young.

“Is there a bathroom up here I can use before I get into this onesie?” The tea is sloshing around in her stomach. And then there’s another feeling, one she’s been waiting on. She grabs Scott’s hand tight.

“Tessa, are you okay? Do you need something? Are you in pain?” He sounds so worried, but she can’t find the words for this. The little fluttering like the tiniest of wings, the smallest songbird chirping its song. The sweetest of beatitudes. She takes his hand and places it to her side, where she can feel the movement that confirms what she somehow _knows_ – that their baby is growing well. “Is it…”

“Yes.” The tears don’t surprise her this time, and now they taste of hope. “I know you can’t feel yet, but they’re right there.” She can see the tears in his eyes, and they mingle together when he bends his head towards hers and kisses her. She lets her lips linger on his longer than she should when she’s already running late, but this is a special moment, one they’re allowed to savour together. The baby they made is moving and growing and soon they will be able to see them again.

Scott is the one to step back. She wonders if her face is as flushed as his. “Okay, the bathroom is at the end of the hall.” He clears his throat and points a thumb behind him. “I’ll go downstairs and wait for you.” She thinks the space will be good. She doesn’t want to be away from him but she’s liable to start some heavy petting if he stays close.

“Don’t laugh when you see me in the costume!” she calls to his retreating back.

She’s not surprised when he can’t fulfil her request. He starts snorting the minute he sees her coming down the stairs, and it’s not like she can blame him; she looks absolutely ridiculous. “I’m sorry,” he doesn’t look even a little bit sorry, “I’m just really glad I can see your face. Mascots creep me out.”

She loves learning about him but that seems like such an absurd thing to be scared of. “Really?!”

There’s no hint of laughter from him. “They’re terrifying, Tessa. You can’t see who’s under there!” She can tell he means it from how serious he looks now.

Stopping on the bottom step brings them nearly eye to eye, and she uses the height to run her hands over his shoulders. “I have a hood, but no mask, so I think you’re safe from me.” Just as she pulls up the hood, with its built-in horns and ears, Danny and Charlie come around the corner.

Danny stops in his tracks. “Well, Tessa, that’s quite the outfit,” he deadpans and her cheeks get hot.

They’re all going to think she’s so weird now, that Scott has knocked up a furry.

Charlie raises his beer. “I knew I liked you.”

Danny tugs at the hockey jersey he’s wearing. “I felt bad about half-assing this year already, but now I’ve really been shown up.” He tilts his own beer in her direction. “This is the kind of commitment we should be aspiring to.”

She still feels the need to explain even though they seem completely relaxed about this, like they meet grown women dressed in onesies in their mom’s house all the time. “Nathan just really loves farm animals.”

“Mama?” Her son comes scurrying out into the hallway and he gasps when he sees her. “You’re a real cow now!” She thinks that even if Scott’s brothers had thought she’d lost the plot, it would be worth it to see Nathan’s huge smile.

Alma and Mollie follow him out into the corridor. Mollie looks very impressed. “That’s an even better costume than earlier!” Alma nods behind her and, maybe it’s her imagination, but to Tessa’s eyes, she looks kind of proud.

Nathan grabs onto her legs. “I love you, Mama.”

She bends over to pick him up. “Oh, I love you too. And we’d better get going. Will you say thank you to everyone for the lovely party?”

He does so, doling out high fives and hugs to everyone, Tessa being the recipient of these from all the Moirs too. On the way out, Nathan makes a point of finding Becca, distressed when he realized they were going to leave without saying goodbye to her.

After Becca wraps him up in a big hug, Scott and Mollie walk them back to her car and wave to them as they drive out. Tessa feels warm inside as they go back to London. “Did you have a good time, Nathan?” she asks, deciding that it’s probably a good idea to keep talking for the whole drive in case he might fall asleep.

“Yes! Can we go back again soon?”

“There won’t be a party next time, but I’m sure we can visit again soon.” She thinks it would be good for them. It makes her so happy that this baby will have a family who are so welcoming. And more than that, she’s so happy that they’re welcoming of Nathan too.

It had felt like they fit there today, like this was another place they belonged.

—

“Fuck,” Scott rasps out, the curse muffled by the way he bites down on Tessa’s shoulder. It just seems to spur her on because she’s dropping down on his cock faster, harder, than she was before, one of her hands curling into the hair at the back of his head and the other on his bicep to keep her steady, despite the fact that her feet are planted flat on the stairs below them.

They’ve had sex a lot of places, especially in desperation those first few times, but Scott thinks there’s something particularly needy about dropping down here as soon as he walked through the door.

“You feel so good.” Tessa’s breath is hot against his ear, her words punctuated with the clenching of her cunt. They haven’t had sex for a week, have only managed to snatch a few moments like this together ever since they renewed this part of their relationship, and he’s glad that his stamina is back, even if they have the time today for him to go more than a few rounds.

His hands slide under her shirt, grateful that she settles in his lap so he can take it off. Her bra isn’t as fancy as he’s seen her wear before, but it’s still lacy and beautiful, stretchy to accommodate her growing breasts. Hooking two fingers beneath the cups, he pulls the fabric to sit under the generous swells, his cock twitching when he finally catches sight of her darker nipples.

Tessa circles her hips and Scott wants so badly to thrust into her but he can’t take his eyes off her chest. She hasn’t complained about tenderness in a while but he’s still gentle when he takes her nipple into his mouth, nothing but tongue and lips and a light sucking until he feels the nub harden beneath the warm wet of his ministrations. His hands lay flat on her back, fingers slotting between her muscles and bones and pressing into the pale, freckled flesh in an effort to keep her in place. She’s making these beautifully needy noises that just get louder the longer he plays with her body, especially once he slips a hand between her legs, two fingers sliding along either side of her clit.

She pulls him away from her nipple and into a sloppy kiss. “This is wonderful, but I need you to fuck me.”

“You seemed pretty intent on fucking me,” he jokes and she smiles as she tightens around him hard enough to make him groan. “Do you want to finish here?”

“I don’t care,” she says between kisses. Her hand strokes his jaw, fingertips toying with his earlobe. “Is your back okay like this?”

The marble step is actually digging in against a bruise from work. “Can we get my pants off and keep me inside you?”

Tessa laughs as she wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him close. The swell of her belly presses flush against him and it’s driving him crazy. That’s their baby, right there between them. He never got this with Sarah. Sarah hadn’t cared for what pregnancy did to her body, didn’t find it amazing like he did and he respected that. But now, to have the opportunity with Tessa? There’s no way to describe how thankful he is that Tessa allows him to touch her like this, to give her changing body the attention and love he wants to shower her and their baby in. It’s incredible to him, how Tessa’s body is growing as their child does, a sign of what has been between them and what is to come.

“I think we can finagle this.” They're a mess of limbs and laughter as he kicks his feet and Tessa reaches back to yank off his clothes, Tessa giving a little cheer once his legs are free. “The living room?”

He holds her tight with one arm across her back. “Dining table?” Her legs lock around his waist when he stands them up, her hands barely even holding on tighter, like she trusts that their bond is strong enough that she won’t fall. “Or will that be too much on your back?”

She keeps running her hands over his shoulders and it’s more distracting than he thought it would be, though that probably has more to do with the fact that she looks like she wants to lick every inch of him. Tessa starts kneading his muscles before she gives in and dips her head, planting open-mouthed kisses from his neck to where his shoulder rounds. “Soon we won’t be able to have me on my back.”

That’s all the answer he needs.

Except, once he gets to the table, he realizes why they’ve never really made use of the  furniture in this particular room before (he blushes every time he looks at the carpet though). “Babe,” he sighs, easing Tessa’s ass onto the edge of the polished wood. They both whimper when his cock slides out of her the tiniest bit. “The table is too tall for this.”

“No.” The word comes out as a legitimate whine, sounding every bit like a child who isn’t getting her way. “I’ve had sex on here before! It works!”

Scott laughs. “Jonathan was a bit taller than me,” he says as he drops a kiss to the corner of her pout. “Sorry.” It’s the most casual they have ever talked about Jonathan and the first time they’ve ever brought up their spouses by name at a time like this. He thinks to apologize again, this time more serious, but there’s something in Tessa’s eyes that stop him. He can’t describe it, everything he sees beneath her lashes. There’s that hint of sadness that has been growing fainter with every passing day and something akin to acceptance, to love.

Tessa licks her lips and nods, the movement nearly imperceptible. “Do you want the step stool Nathan uses for the toilet?” At his laugh, she smiles so wide that he has to kiss her, thinks he’ll be a lesser man if he doesn’t.

“Come on,” he says once he notices her trying to pull him in until he’s seated inside her again. “Bend over?”

It means he has to pull out of her warmth completely and Tessa doesn’t let the moment pass without complaint. “Remember when we could flip me _and_ keep you inside me?” It’s so strange to think that they already have ‘remember when’ moments but they have made use of the time they’ve had together, time they had once taken for granted. Her hand rubs her belly, just below her belly button, and he looks down at the swell, not blaming the life beneath her touch at all.

“Your flexibility is just going on a little vacation,” he tosses back. Maybe he should worry about the implication that they’ll keep doing this in the future, once their baby is here, but then Tessa is wiggling her hips as she bends over on the table, chest pressed against the wood and her small stomach in the air. It’s the fastest way to rid his mind of uncertainties and unknowns.

Her body welcomes him easily. He loves watching her move in acceptance of him: the way her muscles and sea of freckles ripple, the way her hands curl against the table before turning into fists, the way her hair slides over her shoulder because her head drops at the sensation of him being inside her, the way her thighs tense and her ass follows suit before she brings her legs closer together, the way her hips fill the spaces between his fingers.

He can’t imagine ever getting used to this, not when every single moment with Tessa in the most biblical way feels like a blessing.

(It’s getting harder to make the distinction. Scott thinks that _every_ moment with Tessa might be a blessing. Even the hard ones.)

Tessa starts moving first, fucking herself on his cock with a deep, steady rhythm. He uses his grip on her hips to pull her back faster, harder, and she lets out a devious little laugh on the end of a moan. She pushes up on to her elbows, then on her hands, and Scott drags his hands up to her waist, fingers brushing the curve of her stomach. He does his best to keep up the same pace as his hands move to palm her stomach fully. His heart bursts with love knowing that his baby is there, just beneath the surface, elation coursing through him when he thinks about how this maybe wasn’t the right time, but that he was able to give Tessa something she so desperately wanted.

He keeps his touch light and reverent even as he pounds into her harder. There’s a noticeable difference in Tessa. She’s louder than usual, more wet than he’s seen in a while, her body reacting to him tenfold. It could just be the pregnancy doing this to her, sending her hormones into overdrive, but it feels like more than that when she drops back down on an elbow and laces her free hand with his own against her swollen stomach. He urges her up with an arm slipped under her breasts, bringing her back flush with his chest. It changes the angle too, both gasping as he slides even deeper into her cunt, sloppy noises amplified on his next thrust.

Tessa reaches back and threads her fingers through his hair. “Have I mentioned how much I love this?” she breathes out between little grunts. “I like having something to hold on to.”

He laughs low in her ear, bites at her earlobe, then soothes it with his tongue. “Happy to oblige.” Her breasts bounce with each thrust and it occurs to him that it might not be very comfortable for her. She still had her bra on even though her boobs aren’t in the cups, but he’s not sure it would provide much support anyway. He intends on cupping both, for her comfort of course, but Tessa won’t let go of the hand on her stomach so he settles for the next best thing. He holds her tighter at the ribs, using his arm to keep one breast mostly still while his free hand covers the other. He flexes his fingers, a wave of sensation before he takes her hard nipple between his index and middle finger, applying pressure until he feels Tessa’s cunt try to push him out at the sensation.

She surprises him and brings the hand at her breast to her mouth, sucking the two fingers that had been playing with her nipple into her mouth. He groans at the feel of her tongue laving at his digits, burying his face in the curve of her neck. She pulls them out with a pop and he’s quick to take her nipple in his touch again, enjoying the way her body reacts even stronger to his wet fingers.

He’s nearly certain she’s purposefully clenching tighter around him. “Are you trying to get me to come first?” he asks.

“Maybe,” she laughs, throaty and happy and dirty. He knows it’s not a contest, but he also knows she needs this more than he does (though he’s not sure by much). She still won’t release his hand so he simply slides it over the curve of her stomach until he reaches the thin patch of coarse hair, fingers slipping against her wet cunt. He moves their joined hands to where their bodies slot together, spreading their fingers around where he fucks into her. He wants her to feel this, to feel them, and he presses his smirk into her skin when her breath hitches, a fresh gush of wetness sliding down his cock. Her chin drops to her chest, a soft, “fuck,” falling from her lips. She shakes her head when he moves their hands to her clit, fingertips resting on the slick nub. “I want you to come first.” It’s not a request Scott thinks he ever expected to hear, his hips stuttering a little at her words. Tessa tilts her head against his shoulder, looking up at him so beautifully honest and naked. “Please.”

“Whatever you want, Tess.” He’d do anything, he thinks, if he knew it’s what she wanted, hell or high water and all that.

It doesn’t take much to get him there, already so close to the precipice that, with the knowledge that she wants him to reach bliss first, it only takes a few more strokes to bring him right up to the edge. Tessa moves their hands back to where he’s pumping into her, presses her slim fingers on either side of his cock so that he feels them with every drag, murmurs to him as she scratches at his scalp that she loves feeling him like this, that she loves feeling only him.

He comes, hard, his body strung right as he empties himself inside her. He has to remind himself not to squeeze her, repeats to himself that he has to be mindful of her changing body, of their baby. Tessa seems to have no such qualms because she wraps her hands around his arms and applies pressure, like she wants him to be holding her tighter. “Jesus Christ,” he pants as he gives her, once again, what she wants, hugging her as tight as he’s comfortable with. She hums, kisses his cheek like her thighs aren’t about to be coated in a mess of their own making. He gives her hip a warning tap before he pulls out. The tip of his softening cock has just left the warm wet of her cunt when he figures out exactly how he wants to get her off. “Sit on my face.”

She turns around to face him faster than he expected, green eyes wide and blinking. “But you just–”

“I know.” He’s already crouching down, pressing kisses into her soft skin as he makes his way to the rug. It’s not the comfiest place to do this but he wants nothing more than to have her overwhelm his senses. He wants her scent, he wants her weight, he wants the taste of them on his tongue and coating his face. He squeezes her thigh. “You wanted me to come first, I want you on my face,” he says with a grin. “And we both know you love it when you take your place on your throne.”

Tessa lets out a bark of laughter. “Idiot,” she says, voice stupidly fond as she looks down at him with flushed cheeks. She puts a foot on either side of him and his come stretches in strings between her strong thighs, breaking only when he dips his head forward to lick at her shiny skin. She curses and shivers and Scott is tempted to eat her out just like this, sitting up as she stands over him. The worry that he won’t be able to support her takes over though, putting the baby’s safety above his own lustful wants, and he presses a kiss against her cunt before he lays down fully. “I won’t be able to see your face anymore,” she says, mournful as she takes his hand to steady herself and kneels over his head.

Admittedly, he doesn’t like that he can’t see her face either. Watching her face at the first swipe of his tongue along her cunt is nothing short of stunning, the way her lashes always flutter and her teeth catch her lip, the rosiness her cheeks get when she looks him in the eye. There’s no loss felt right now, not when he looks up to see the curve of her pregnant stomach. Given the time, Scott thinks he could, _would_ , shower an obscene amount of attention on all the parts of her body that have changed to grow their baby. As it stands, he just wants to touch her belly, to shower it in kisses until he knows every centimeter with as much clarity as he knows the rest of her. Maybe someday soon they’ll get a day where they can take their time once Tessa’s been sated, pushed back from the edge she seems to be permanently sitting on now that she’s in the thick of her second trimester. He’d do it now, but.

He looks up at her swollen, wet cunt, licking his lips at the sight of their come leaking out of her. His hands make their way between her thighs, thumbs pulling apart her outer lips to help things along, his soft cock twitching against his leg when their come drips onto his waiting tongue. They taste amazing, salty and tangy, and he has the fleeting thought to tell her that before it’s overridden by the desire to have more, to drown himself in it.

With one arm wrapped around her thigh and a hand supporting her ass, Scott pulls her down to his face, pressing an exaggerated kiss against her cunt with such exuberance that Tessa lets out this little laugh, her own hand steadying herself on his stomach. He drags his tongue along the length of her once, broad and firm all the way up to her clit, a smirk stretching around his mouth the best it can at the way Tessa’s thighs jump at the sensation. He opens her up on the next drag, tongue nudging at her entrance, applying enough pressure to have their come slide into his mouth but not dipping inside. That has her grunting above him, heels of her feet pressing into his ribs as she presses down on his face with more abandon.

He knows that hormones are at play here, but he loves how eager she always is for him, how willing she is to go for what she wants without hesitation. So much beauty in her boldness. It drives him the best kind of crazy.

Sucking her clit into his mouth, Scott lets his teeth scrape against it gently, contrasts it with a flick of his tongue. With each circle of his tongue, wide or tight, Tessa’s cunt clenches around nothing and his chin is soaked in their come, the mix sliding down his jaw. Her hips have started rocking against his face, a litany of curses and moans spilling from her mouth, her nails digging into his abs. “I wanna come,” she says, the sentence more an instruction, a demand, than a request.

He slides the hand from the curve of her ass to her cunt, thumb dipping into her all the way to his second knuckle. She’s _so_ tight around him and he knows it’s not enough for her in the least. He releases her clit with an audibly wet pop and slides down so that his tongue can work in next to his thumb before he pulls the digit out, not wanting to leave her empty for a second. He nuzzles his nose against her clit at the exact moment he rubs his thumb against her asshole. Anal itself is off the table, both of them not willing to make Tessa uncomfortable or create any complications with the pregnancy, but he knows that she still enjoys the pressure, the sensation enough to make her come harder than normal even without any penetration.

It’s hard to hear the noises she makes now, her thighs pressed against his ears so that everything is muffled except his own hammering heartbeat, but he knows, without a doubt, that Tessa just gasped, can recall the exact way her breath catches in her throat when his thumb circles the sensitive skin of her asshole.

Scott shakes his head from side to side as best he can, using his nose to give her the friction she needs on her clit, and thrusts his tongue in her as far as it’ll go, hard and fast until she’s coming, body bowing over his head with her face screwed up in the most beautiful pleasure he’s ever seen. He doesn’t even care that she’s now gripping his hair so hard that it hurts because it means he gets to look at her while she comes apart all around him.

He makes sure he has a good grip on her hips, doing his best to keep her upright, thumbs stroking her skin softly as she comes down, trailing kisses all over the inside of her thighs.

She moves down his body, a feat he’s proud she’s able to accomplish with how her legs are still trembling, nestling on top of him as best she can with her bump out to the side. “Is this okay for a little bit?”

His hand goes to her hair, stroking it softly. “Yeah, of course. You’re sure you don’t want to clean up yet?”

“I don’t think I can walk yet,” she confesses, laying a sweet kiss to his chest. “You can feel free to gloat.”

“It’s not gloating to take satisfaction in a job well done,” he jokes, drawing a tired laugh from her.

Tessa’s tone is droll, “Ashley is going to be so happy when I tell her about the progress we made on discussing shared custody or moving in together.”

Fuck. That’s what they’d agreed to do today, not meet up to lose themselves in one another. “I think Becca might be coming round a little.” Tessa strokes the skin at his ribs, gentle and grounding. “She’s been asking more questions about what it would be like – if she could still stay at her school, stuff like that. I don’t…” His fingers start combing through her hair, working out any tangle he meets with a tenderness brought by having two small girls. “I don’t want to push her on it, you know?”

“Of course not. It should be at her pace.”

He loves how understanding Tessa has been. He knows it has to be stressing her out a little, the uncertainty of what will happen once the baby comes. It’s stressing him out, and making him sad too at the thought that he might miss out on those amazing early moments. He wants to be there as much as he can, for all his kids. “Thank you.”

She raises her head, eyebrows furrowed. “For what?”

He runs his hand down her arm, enjoying how soft it feels against his palm. “For being so amazing throughout all of this.”

Tessa blushes a little, though it’s hard to differentiate the new colour from the old one caused by their exertions. “I should be thanking you. You’ve been incredible.” He’s starting to shake his head when she takes hold of his chin and leans in to kiss him firmly, paying no mind to the fact that their drying come is on his lips. “You have been. You are.”

It boggles his mind that Tessa, gorgeous Tessa with all her brilliance and accomplishments, thinks so much of him. And he knows that she truly means it, can see it in her eyes, can feel it in the way she touches him. He nods his acquiescence to be rewarded with her smile and happily accepts another kiss, his grip on her tightening when her tongue snakes into his mouth briefly.

“Do you want me to get up or can we stay here a little longer?” she asks, settling her head back on his chest, making it clear which path she’d prefer to take.

“Stay here.” He puts his arm over her back and breathes her and this moment in. They deserve a little time that’s just for them, a little peace from choices and decisions. He kisses her hair and closes his eyes, listening to their heartbeats keep time together. He could get so used to this. He hopes that she could too.

—

Tessa has just finished coming when her phone rings, Scott’s name still on her lips even as she reads it on the screen. She wipes her right hand on her thigh while answering the phone with her left. “Hi.”

There’s a pause long enough for her to think that she didn’t actually say hello and instead just thought it in her haze. “Are you okay? You sound kind of breathless?” He sounds worried.

“I’m good,” she answers quickly. “I was just masturbating.” She’s not sure if it’s post-orgasm brain or her need to calm his fears making her this honest. Usually, they’re already flirting when she gets blunt and edges on dirty.

“Oh.” She can hear his sharp intake of breath. “Good, that’s good.” She squeezes her thighs together at the husky tone to his voice, hand still between her legs. “I had a reason for calling… An important one?” She tries not to laugh at how confused he sounds. She thinks about putting him on speaker so she can figure out how to send him a selfie from her bed. “The dance class tomorrow!”

And that has Tessa’s hand moving quickly to her stomach. “Is Becca still okay with me taking it?”

Tanith had asked Tessa to teach Becca’s usual class because she had to take Jenny to a dental appointment, but Tessa had asked to see if Becca was okay with it first before agreeing. She didn’t want to barge into other parts of Becca’s life too. It would be hard to find a replacement last minute though.

“Yeah, that’s no problem.” His voice still isn’t completely normal and it worries her that maybe he’s not being completely honest about how Becca is feeling. “I just wanted to know if you have anywhere to be right after it ends?”

Tessa lets out a relieved sigh. “No, Jordan is going to watch Nathan and she said she can stay with him as long as I need or take him to meet me somewhere.” She’s wondering where he’s going with this. Maybe he wants to get dinner?

“Mollie has a hockey game and usually my mom would pick up Becca and take her there, but now she and Dad have flu, and my brothers have it too,” he rambles. Tessa can just picture him jiggling his leg or running a hand through his hair. “I know this might be too big an ask, but I checked with Becca to see if she’d be okay with it and she said she would, so…”

“I can take her there,” Tessa says before Scott can finally get around to asking her.

She can hear Scott’s sigh as clear as day. “You’re sure?” he asks, sounding so grateful.

“Absolutely.” She’s a little apprehensive about it, but maybe it will be a good thing for them. A chance to be just themselves, maybe. If Becca cares to speak to her that is. Tessa wouldn’t fault the girl for just continuing to be polite.

“You’re an angel,” Scott says fervently. She thinks she can hear him lying down. “So… about what you were doing before I called…”

“You wanna hear more about that?” She runs her finger over the waistband of her panties.

“I’d like that very much.” There’s a knock, but it sounds far away, and it takes Tessa a second to figure out it’s coming from Scott’s end. “Sorry, Tess, I think Mollie is up. If it’s not too late I’ll call you back?”

She stifles a yawn. “Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you in the morning,” he says softly. She smiles, her eyes starting to droop shut almost as soon as she puts her phone down. They flicker open a little when she thinks about how she’ll be responsible for Becca tomorrow. It marks the first time either one of them has taken responsibility for the other’s child outside one of their homes, but even the anxiety of that isn’t enough to keep her awake too long right now. She’s sure she’ll have enough time to think and overthink about it tomorrow.

  


Tessa is alone in the studio, heart rate elevated from running through the day’s lesson with Tanith before she and Jenny had to leave for the appointment. It feels like forever since she’s given a class, and there’s the added complication of who she’ll be teaching. She pulls down the baggy sweatshirt she’s wearing. She’s not really trying to hide her bump; it’s not like she’s worried about what these kids will think, but she doesn’t want to invite a ton of questions with Becca there. The kids start filing in about five minutes before the class is due to begin, Becca coming in with a friend who Tessa guesses is the girl from school she travels here with each week.

She introduces herself and then starts with a warm up in the centre of the room before moving to the side for some barre exercises. Tessa makes sure for every correction she has there is something to be praised too. Becca is somehow even more serious here than Tessa had expected, frown of concentration on her face as she goes through the prescribed movements, limbs placed just so and following every instruction to the letter. She hopes that Becca will listen as closely later when she talks to her one on one.

They move away from the barre for centre work, working on steps to improve their strength, flexibility, and balance. She tries to point out how to link steps together fluidly, though she thinks some kids might be concentrating harder than others. The group as a whole gets a little more excited when it’s time for travelling exercises, lots of skips, gallops, walks, runs, and leaps, each face passing by with smiles, even Becca.

Tessa hasn’t taught ballet in so long that she’d been worried she’d forget what to do, but there was no need to fear. Everything is so familiar, each part leading naturally to the next. Nothing much has changed since she was talking classes at that age, and even the way Becca’s hair escapes her bun more and more as the lesson progresses reminds Tessa of her own early attempts to perfect that hairstyle.

She gets lots of thank yous and a few high fives when the class ends. Becca hangs back, tracing a pattern on the wooden floor with her pointed toes. “Can I change before we go?”

“Good idea. I’m going to get changed too.” She wants something warmer than these leggings if they’re going to be sitting in a rink. “Do you want to go straight to the game or somewhere else first?”

Becca’s head pops up. “Somewhere else?”

“Only if you want.” She knows from Scott that Becca often reads when she goes to one of Mollie’s games or practices, and she had figured that she might like a chance to do something else.

Becca’s fingers twist the braided strap of her bag, “Daddy always buys me hot chocolate, but the hot chocolate at the rink isn’t very good so… could we go for hot chocolate?”

“Sure,” Tessa says, trying to dampen the elation she’s feeling so that she doesn’t overwhelm Becca. She hopes she keeps her smile relaxed. “Where would you like to go?”

Becca’s eyes widen fractionally. Should Tessa have offered a place instead? “Could we go to a grownup coffee shop?”

Tessa isn’t quite sure what counts as a grownup coffee shop, but she’s pretty sure there are a number she can choose from. “Absolutely.”

Becca looks at herself in the mirror, frowning slightly. Her hands come up to the dark blonde strands that are barely in her bun anymore. Tessa watches as Becca tries twirling them around what is left of the bun only for them to unravel again, more hair falling free. Becca sighs and pulls the hair tie from her hair so harshly that it makes Tessa wince at the sight.

“I could put it up again for you, if you like.” There’s a long pause before Becca nods. Tessa goes over to her own bag and gets out her hairbrush while Becca tries to finger comb what she can. Tessa realises how much she’s missed doing this when she starts drawing the brush through the silky locks. They’re silent throughout this part of the process and then, as Tessa puts up Becca’s hair, she gives her tips on how to pin it securely, adding a hair tie of her own to the ones Becca already has.

“Thank you,” Becca says, twisting her head around so she can see her hair properly. “You’re really good at that.”

“I just have a lot of practice.” It’s something she used to dream about, having a little girl whose hair she’d do for dance class. Not that she’s thinking of Becca as hers, or Mollie either. But she does love these moments with them, is so happy that Becca is letting her in even this much again.

“And you’re a really good dancer.” She sounds shyer now.

“Thank you, Becca. So are you. You have a real understanding of the music and you put in so much work. I really appreciated how focused you were – the fluidity of your ports de bras improved so much!” Becca’s cheeks are a little red as she leaves the rehearsal room.

Once they’re both changed, they meet back at the studio’s reception. It’s a quiet walk out to Tessa’s car and a quiet journey to a coffee shop near the rink that she thinks is ‘grownup’ but still warm and friendly. The only noises are the sounds made by Becca, the slight scratch of the turning of pages and an occasional soft giggle. Tessa used to read all the time in the car, even on the shortest trips. It had annoyed Jordan so much because she couldn’t even read a few words without getting carsick.

She’s honestly expecting Becca to read in the coffee shop, but, while she takes the book in with her, she doesn’t read it when they’re in line to order or when they sit down to wait for the hot chocolates, Becca’s slice of red velvet cake, and Tessa’s carrot cake muffin.

It’s as Tessa’s thinking that whoever made this muffin was a bit heavy-handed with the orange zest that Becca clears her throat. Tessa puts her muffin down immediately. Becca sits up a little straighter and smooths down the napkin in her lap. “Daddy says that we won’t all move in together if I don’t want to.”

“That’s right,” Tessa says, reaching out for her cup. Holding something warm might be comforting.

Becca takes a sip of her own drink, some of the whipped cream dotting her nose, which she quickly wipes off. “Why?”

“Because it’s important to us that you all – you, Mollie, and Nathan – live in a place where you’re going to be happy and feel at home.” She won’t be bringing up the idea of moving with Nathan until they know it’s happening, however, she doesn't want to prepare him for something and then not go through with it.

“And the baby? Where will the baby live if we don’t move in all together?” There’s a frown growing in between Becca’s eyebrows, making her look more like her dad than usual, and Tessa has an urge to reach out and run her thumb over it, like her mom used to do for her when she got anxious.

“That’s something your daddy and I will have to talk about a lot, and it might take some practice to figure out what works best. When the baby is very small, he or she would sleep at my house all the time, but once they got a bit older, they’d probably spend some nights at my house and some nights at yours.” The words ache in her throat as they leave her. She has no worries about her baby staying with Scott, the pain only comes at the thought of being away from her baby.

Becca cocks her head to the side. She brings her thumb up to her mouth but then seems to rethink the move, her hand going back to her lap instead. “Won’t you miss her? Daddy misses us whenever he has to go away.”

“Yes. If we do that, I’ll miss the baby,” she digs her thumb into the side of her thigh to stop herself from crying, “so very much.” She feels a little dramatic for being so upset at the idea; people share custody all the time, after all, but this will be her tiny baby.

Becca looks sad and Tessa knows she should be comforting her. The last thing Tessa wants to do is guilt Becca. She wants for Becca to make this decision on her own, with her own feelings being the only consideration. “But you’d still not make me move in?” Becca asks, voice quieter now.

Tessa shakes her head. “I don’t want to make you do anything.” Her next breath is ragged. She’s feeling _so_ much that she’s struggling to keep it in check. “I care about you so much, and I only want to see you happy.”

Becca shifts in her seat. “And we wouldn’t live in your house?”

“No.” Becca raises her eyebrows a little like she’s asking why. “It was my house with Jonathan, like your house was your daddy’s with your mommy. And, well, my house is really big, right?” Becca nods, eyebrows really high now. “Too big for me and just Nathan, or me, Nathan and the baby.” She nods. “I think I’ll move either way.” She runs her finger over the side of her cup. That’s the first time she’s said it out loud despite having thought it for a few months. “You’re the first person I’ve told that.”

It’s like she can see the wave of excitement moving through Becca. “Really?!” Tessa nods, smiling slightly. Becca takes a bite of cake and then her face grows more serious again. “What would it be like if we lived together?”

Tessa lets out a deep hum. “I think it might take us all a while to get used to each other and figure that out. I wouldn’t try to be your mom, I wouldn’t try to take her place.” She imagines this has to be something that’s been playing on Becca’s mind, and thinks she’s proven correct from the way the girl’s shoulders relax a little. “I guess it would be like when we all spend time together, but we’d be doing regular everyday things, not always just fun hanging out ones. And I might be doing more things like this, picking you up or taking you places.”

Becca digests this information, stirring the cream around in her mug and taking a sip before asking in a whisper, “Will you and Daddy be sharing a room?”

It’s the first question that’s really surprised her. For a second, she wonders if she should tell Becca to ask Scott, whether he’d be more comfortable with that, but Becca is here and asking her. It doesn’t feel right to pass it on. “No, we’re not planning to.” That had been discussed briefly before they slept together again, but sex isn’t enough to change Tessa’s view on that. Even if she fantasises about it sometimes, a lot maybe, having him next to her all night, waking up beside him in the morning, she knows she’s not ready to do that with anyone other than her husband. And it feels like it would be a bit too much for the kids too.

“Okay,” Becca responds. She swings her feet a little. “I’ll talk about it with Daddy some more. Moving in.”

“Only if you want to,” Tessa reminds her.

“I know.” She lifts up her plate. “Do you want to try some?” They switch, each taking a forkful of the other’s treat. Becca’s face screws up a little. “Very orangey.”

“That’s what I was thinking! My recipe isn’t so zesty.” Tessa pauses while they swap the plates back over. “I could give it to you, if you like.”

Becca seems to think about this, as Tessa gets more and more nervous, before saying, “Thank you. Grandma likes carrot cake, I could make them with her.”

Tessa smiles. Her eyes dart to the shiny book cover to Becca’s left. “What book are you reading today?”

Becca launches into a summary and they talk about that until it’s time to leave. She reads again on the short ride over to the rink and then looks through her bag for some more layers to wear. “I forgot my hat!”

Tessa reaches over to her glove compartment and pulls out a pink hat with a fluffy bobble on top that she wears sometimes. “Would this be okay for today?” Becca tries it on, folding up the bottom because it’s too big. “I think it looks really cute.”  

“Yeah?” Becca asks, running her fingers over the soft material.

“Yeah. Are you ready to go in?” Becca nods and they both climb out of the car. A big SUV takes a sharp turn right by their spot and Tessa immediately grabs for Becca’s hand, realising after the jeep leaves the lot that she’s clinging on too hard. “Sorry, Becca.” She forces her hand to relax. She’s not ready to let go completely yet. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I get a little jumpy about cars now.”

Becca keeps holding onto her hand, in a looser grip, as they look around the busy car park and then cross over towards the rink. “Because of how Jonathan died?” she asks in a small voice.

“Yes.” Tears start to gather in the corners of her eyes but she holds them in, focuses on her breathing. “I can be a little anxious and protective.” She strokes her thumb over the back of Becca’s hand before letting go once they enter the lobby. They’d talked a little about Jonathan’s passing the day of Scott and Nathan’s joint party when Becca had been looking at their family photos in the hall. Becca had told her she was sorry that Tessa hadn’t got a chance to say goodbye. Tessa doesn’t think there’s a more considerate eight year old in the world. She’s lucky to have met Becca.

“Grandma says that Daddy gets like that too,” Becca says, leading the way. “But it’s just because he loves us.” Her face stays pensive for a minute before breaking into a soft smile. “You should button up your coat to make sure the baby is warm.”

Tessa’s smile echoes Becca’s. “Thank you, that’s a good idea.”

They walk down to the side of the rink where Scott is standing beside the bench, finishing up his team talk. Mollie runs over to them as soon as he finishes, throwing her arms around Tessa’s middle. “We won!”

“Well done, Mollie!” Her head lays against Tessa’s stomach briefly before giving it a small pat. “That’s awesome. Did you have fun?”

As Mollie tells her all about the game, Scott comes over and puts his arm around Becca. “Is that a new hat?”

She shakes her head. “Tessa let me borrow hers because I forgot mine. We had hot chocolate and treats at the coffee shop! I had red velvet cake and Tessa had a carrot cake muffin but she’s going to give me a better recipe for them.”

Scott grins, shooting a glance over to Tessa before returning his gaze to his eldest. Tessa keeps listening to Mollie’s exploits, feeling like she’s in exactly the right place. The only thing missing is Nathan.

Tessa is a little surprised that Charlie hasn’t come over to chat with them. He and Scott had been so friendly throughout soccer season and he’s back to his usual level of talking to her now. He hasn’t even looked up yet, blonde head down in the box as he cleans up after their team. Scott hasn’t mentioned there being any problems between them since Charlie found out about the baby, but now she wonders if he was protecting her from another worry, from more guilt.

She doesn’t try to get his attention. Instead she just asks Mollie questions about the game she wishes she’d seen.

After Mollie goes over to chat with one of her friends and Becca sits down with her book, Scott joins her. “Things went well?” he murmurs.

“Yeah, I think they did.” She ducks her head. “Do you want to come for dinner at my house or do you think that would be too much?” She almost regrets asking. He looks so tired. He probably needs sleep.

He doesn’t deny her though. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask. It’s not like I have dinner ready anyway.” He’s been on duty the past few nights.

She doesn’t sleep the best those nights.

Scott goes to sit down beside Becca, and when she nods, Tessa snuggles into her scarf, hiding her smile. Father and daughter both stand up and walk over to her. “You can give me the recipe when we’re at your house!” Becca suggests.

“That’s a good idea,” Tessa agrees.

“Mollie!” Scott calls. “We’re going to dinner at Tessa’s!”

She immediately waves goodbye and comes running over. “Will Nathan be there?”

“Yes, he’s at home with my sister,” Tessa explains.

Mollie grins, linking arms with Becca and taking off for the exit. Tessa and Scott follow them, both laughing lightly. And just like that, things feel a little easier.

—

He wakes up, not really sure he went to sleep. He knows that he closed his eyes, had laid in bed after the sun dipped below the horizon and opened his eyes when the sun started peeking through the curtains, not having moved an inch, his whole body stiff because of it, and pushing up to sit makes him feel older than he is by years. He’s not ready for today just as much as he hadn’t been ready for this entire week, the sadness and tension blanketing his usually lively house and colouring his short, scattered conversations with Tessa.

The heater must’ve kicked off at some point because the house is colder than he expects, the floor freezing his feet. He pulls a sweatshirt on as he slips into the slippers that the girls got him for Father’s Day before he makes his way down the hall. Checking the thermostat, he sets it a little warmer, then sighs as he sees Marner laying in front of the girls’ bedroom door, his body blocking the whole thing. Scott’s honestly surprised he isn’t in their room. “Marner,” he says softly, crouching down to smooth a hand over the furball’s back. The dog doesn’t jump like he normally does when someone touches him while he’s been sleeping, instead curling closer and licking Scott’s hand. Scott sighs, a tight smile coming to his face. “Good dog.”

A quick look inside the room finds both of the girls still asleep, so Scott leaves them with their other protector, Marner going to sleep between both beds, and heads down to the kitchen.

Most school mornings mean quick breakfasts. Toast and fruit, cereal, oatmeal if they’re lucky. Except it’s not a normal school day. He hadn’t told the girls before bedtime, but he is fully prepared to keep them home today. He doesn’t want them to struggle to pay attention, to struggle to keep it together when they can easily stay home and feel everything without worrying what everyone else thinks.

Expecting to have the extra time, Scott digs in the fridge to gather some eggs and milk, grabs a bowl from the cupboard to set about making some pancakes. It’s not until he’s mixing the batter and realizing he has to add some cinnamon that he remembers the girls hate when he makes pancakes because he doesn’t get them right. It’s Sarah’s recipe and, according to them, he can’t make them like she did. He knows that they’ll eat them, his girls don’t waste food, but why the hell would he serve them something he knows will just make them sad?

He dumps the batter into the trash can and sets to work on peeling some potatoes. A scramble will be good. They can handle that.

It’s Marner’s nails that alert him to the fact that the kids are up and he finds himself smiling as he turns off the stove. “Morning,” he says, nice and even.

Becca comes in behind the dog, looking every bit as awful as she did the first month after Sarah had passed. “We’re out of bandaids, Daddy.” Her fingertips are covered in different Disney characters, hiding her nails from herself. Scott knows that last night she had bit them raw and he has no doubt that if he were to look in the bathroom garbage, he’d find each old bandaid with blood on it. “I’m sorry,” Becca says, her voice impossibly quiet.

He should be telling her how bad it is to keep chewing on her nails, but her mother has been dead for a year to the day. How is he supposed to tell her anything today?

“It’s okay, baby.” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop it and he’s about to backtrack immediately when Becca comes up quick, arms raised like she used to do when she was small. He wraps her into a huge hug, arms tight around her as she puts all of her strength into the hug. There’s a staggering breath in his ear before Becca whines, and then there are tears falling against his neck as Becca’s shoulders start to shake. “You wanna stay home today, baby?” She nods and there’s a little less tension in her body then, even as she starts crying even harder. There’s no sign of Mollie, or Marner for that matter. She’s probably still sleeping and Marner has gone back to her now that Becca is with him. “Do you want to go lay down with me?”

Becca pulls back. Her face is splotchy red, looking every bit like her mom when she cried, her lip quivering uncontrollably as tears continue to wet her face. “But,” she stutters out, repeating the word three times when she can’t seem to get her entire thought out. Her eyebrows furrow and she starts crying a little harder, not managing to get her sentence out until he murmurs that it’s okay and to take her time. “You made Grandma’s scramble. We have to eat it hot.”

“I can always heat it back up. That’s how stoves work, honey.”

It doesn’t produce a smile like he had hoped, not even a small one. Becca just cuddles back into him with a small hiccup. “Can we eat on the couch?”

“Of course.” He presses a kiss into her tangled hair, lips catching the top of her ear. “Go get comfy and I’ll get us some plates.”

Scott doesn’t add very much food to each plate, not feeling terribly hungry himself and suspecting Becca isn’t too keen to eat either. He’s fishing out two forks from the drawer when he feels arms wrap around his leg and he jumps a little, surprised that his usually loud girl has managed to sneak up on him. “Morning, Daddy,” Mollie yawns. She rises on to her tiptoes to see what’s on the counter. Scott gets another fork and then another plate when Mollie steals a chunk of potato off of his plate. “Is Grandma here?”

“No, I made breakfast today.”

She looks so confused, walking over to the microwave to look at the time. “Daddy,” she exclaims, “we’re going to be late for school!” Mollie tries gathering her hair up in a ponytail, missing a good half of her head. “Did you forget to wake me up or what?”

He scoops her up and gives her elbow a tap so that she’ll drop her hair. “Well, baby, I thought you could stay home from school today if you wanted.”

Her eyebrows drop down low. “Why?”

Scott sighs and starts rubbing Mollie’s back, though he’s not sure if he’s doing it as a preemptive comfort for her or if it’s to ground himself. “Because Mommy died today.” Mollie blinks at him, still looking every bit as confused as she did before. “So you might feel a little extra sad today and that is perfectly okay.”

Mollie starts worrying her bottom lip even as she curls her mouth to one side of her face. She pushes her hair behind her ears though it doesn’t do a very good job of getting her curls out of her face. “Should I be more sad?”

He really should’ve read a book about this. Maybe asked their therapist for some resources on how to handle this even though they haven’t seen her for a few months now. Tessa probably has something on this too, he’s sure, though her research has probably been geared towards Nathan’s age. He had been prepared for Becca’s response, for the tears and the anxiety and the mild destruction, but he wasn’t expecting the absence of a reaction from Mollie. He worries that this is a bad sign, that perhaps Mollie is feeling _too_ much and shutting down instead, before telling himself to calm down. He’s talked to the girls a lot about the fact that the anniversary of Sarah’s death was coming up. There wasn’t a lack of emotion from Mollie, just not an increase in it.

“Not at all, baby.” He runs the back of his finger over her cheek until her lips relax. “How do you feel?”

She shrugs in that exaggerated way that only kids can do naturally. “I’m always sad Mommy is gone, but Grandma said we have to be happy because that’s what she wants, right?”

Scott lets a noisy exhale out of his nose. “That’s exactly right, Mollie.” She smiles but he can tell it’s tentative, like she isn’t quite sure it’s allowed. “I’m glad you’re not feeling extra sad,” he says, giving her the permission she thinks she needs.

She throws her arms around his neck and hugs him tight. “How do _you_ feel, Daddy?”

And if that isn’t the million dollar question. “I don’t know, Mol. I think a little more sad, maybe.” It’s strange because the sadness he feels isn’t necessarily for himself. He’s sad for Becca and for Mollie, upset that his girls don’t have their mother and that this day is a confusing mess of feelings or how they should be feeling. If he’s honest, he is a little upset that Tessa and the baby are further this week from him than they have been in a long while, even though it was a space he had agreed to. He needs to be here for the girls and Tessa needs to process her own emotions in addition to being there for Nathan. He wonders if Nathan will react like Mollie is or if it’ll be even more blasé. Nathan was younger, _is_ younger, and it’s possible that he won’t get the significance of the day either. Scott just hopes that doesn’t hurt Tessa or make her own grieving harder.

Scott takes a deep breath. “But you know who is really sad? Your sister. So we have to be _really_ considerate today, okay?”

Mollie nods, even as she says, “I don’t know what that means.”

Scott manages a little laugh. “We have to be nice.”

“You should’ve just said that,” Mollie huffs out.

He laughs again before giving Mollie’s cheek a kiss and setting her down. “Do you want to go to school today? I think Becca is going to stay home.”

Mollie takes her time thinking, allowing him to get some ketchup onto each other their plates. “Can I still go late?” At his nod, Mollie taps her chin. “I think yes.”

“Then let’s eat and we’ll get you ready, okay?”

Later, when they’re in the car, Scott asks if the girls want to go to Sarah’s favourite restaurant for dinner that night, a little Italian place where they had their first proper date and their first meal as husband and wife. Between both pregnancies, Scott thinks they may have kept the little hole in the wall in business Sarah ate so much of their lasagne. Both girls are in favour but then Mollie, in her completely wonderful innocence, asks, “Can Tessa and Nathan come too?”

Becca is quick to say, “No,” the word the first crisp and clear thing she’s said all day.

“Why not?” Mollie looks to him through the rear-view mirror. “We haven’t seen them all week!”

“Girls,” Scott starts but it’s no use, Becca yelling over him.

“Tessa can’t go to Mommy’s restaurant!” Becca is glaring daggers at Mollie, who is already starting to get upset at the yelling.

“I don’t like it when you yell,” Mollie says. It’s not exactly the truth, Scott knows, considering Mollie is usually the first to start yelling and will keep fighting the more Becca yells back, but he’s not sure he’s ever seen Becca look at Mollie so meanly. It makes his stomach twist.

“Today is about Mommy, Mollie! Not Tessa,” Becca starts crying. He knows that Becca and Tessa are okay now but taking Tessa to a place that was Sarah’s, on this day especially? That’s too much. He thinks that might be too much for even him.

Mollie won’t look at Becca anymore, her gaze locked in her lap and looking every bit as scolded as she just was. “Rebecca, that’s enough.” Becca’s head snaps up to look at him, something like guilt washing over her face despite her tears. “Mollie,” he starts, this time softer, “Tessa and Nathan are having a hard week too. This is when Nathan’s dada died. They need to have time to feel their feelings.”

The car feels stifling and Scott is quick to open the door once he’s parked, taking in a big gulp of air that freezes his lungs. He rubs his hands over his face. It was easier last year, he thinks. Both girls were on the same page in terms of grieving, the loss hitting them near equally. Now, he doesn’t know how to balance them together. He doesn’t want Mollie to feel bad for feeling okay but he doesn’t want to diminish Becca’s feelings either, and it seems that when he tries to comfort one, he’s hurting the other.

“Couldn’t have just divorced me,” he mutters with his head tipped to the sky. “Had to spite your parents, didn’t you?” A gust of wind blows through causing some leftover rain to shake from the tree he’s parked under, three drops falling and sliding down the slope of his nose. He sighs. “I know, I know you didn’t choose this.” He scuffs his boot along the cement before taking another deep, steadying breath and turning to open the back door. “Becca, I think you should wait in the car while I walk Mollie in. Sound good?”

Becca nods, pulling her sleeve over her fist and wiping her nose with the fabric. Scott unbuckles Mollie, who looks more upset than she has all morning. He wishes this fight hadn’t happened as they arrived at school. He doesn’t want this to set Mollie up for a bad day, especially when he thought that she was going to come out of this anniversary better than the rest of them.

Mollie climbs out of her seat, bending down to pick up her lunchbox at her feet. Scott notices the way she hesitates as she grabs her backpack and he releases his own sigh of relief when Becca quietly says, “I love you, Mollie.”

His youngest throws herself at her sister, not caring about getting tangled up in the seatbelt. It’s hard to hear Mollie’s voice with how far buried she is in Becca’s shoulder, but Scott would bet money Mollie says, “I love you too, Becca.”

Mollie takes his hand once she hops out of the van and sends a final wave to Becca before they head out towards the office. “Maybe later we can call Tessa and Nathan, okay? But they might not feel up for it and we have to be okay with that.”

She nods, pigtails bouncing as she hikes her backpack higher on her shoulder. “We should just wait, Daddy.” He looks down to see her already staring up at him. “I don’t want to say something wrong, like with Becca.”

“Oh, Mol.” He waits until they’re on the sidewalk in front of the doors to crouch down in front of her. “Nothing you said was wrong. I think it was very sweet that you wanted to include Nathan and Tessa. You have such a big heart, sweet girl, and I love that about you.” He cups her cheek when she smiles and rubs his thumb along her dimple. “Do you know why Becca got upset?”

Mollie shrugs. “She wasn’t very nice to Tessa for a little. And Tessa is SO nice.”

Scott nods. “Yeah, but she’s scared, I think.”

“Of Tessa?” Mollie rolls her eyes. “That’s so silly!”

“No, not of Tessa,” Scott laughs, the sound a little more hollow than he’d like. “Becca doesn’t want anyone to replace Mommy, and Tessa having a baby makes Becca feel that way.”

Mollie nods slowly and Scott can tell she’s taking every word very seriously, trying to make sense of this in her head. “Mommy was the best,” she says after a moment but she starts chewing on her bottom lip. “Is it bad I like Tessa?”

Scott is starting to think that his heart is just going to be repeatedly trampled on today. “Not at all. It just means you’re moving a little faster than Becca.”

“Like I’m the big sister?”

He’s not sure that’s the most accurate way to look at it but he nods nonetheless. “Becca just needs time.” He hopes that’s all it will take. Scott wants the best for all his children, for Nathan too; it’s just hard when the best is different things for each of them. Scott stands back up and shakes his legs to get the blood pumping through them again. “Ready for school?”

Mollie squeezes his hand and walks them to the door.

 

Scott stands in the doorway of the spare room, fists shoved deep into the front pockets of his jeans. It’s an uncharacteristically early night for the Moir household, the girls and Marner asleep in his bed upstairs, though Scott isn’t surprised that the girls passed out so soon after dinner. Becca spent a lot of the day near tears or actually crying, and he knows her head was hurting her because of it considering she neglected to read a chapter of her book before bedtime. Mollie, on the other hand, put so much spaghetti away at the restaurant that he suspects her sleep was brought on mostly from a carb coma. She tried really hard not to upset Becca once she came home from school and that probably played a factor too.

He’s exhausted himself, can feel it in his eyes and in his muscles. He should’ve stayed in bed surrounded by his kids but instead his feet took him here once he checked to make sure the house was locked up.

The bed is made in the same linens Sarah died on, that had been downstairs on the bed they’d made up for her in the living room. He can’t remember who even made this bed last. Was it his mom? Nicole? No, it must’ve been one of his brothers. That would explain why the sheets are still in the house. He thinks anyone else would’ve thrown them out. It doesn’t smell like her in here even though it’s filled with so many of her things. Then again, those items hadn’t even smelled much like Sarah when she died. It was medical, her scent, even though they were home. She was never a perfume wearer either and so there really isn’t anything to spark a memory from that sense alone. All the girls have, all he has, are mementos, pictures from when she was healthy.

There could have been a lot more stuff packed away in here but Sarah had the foresight to get rid of things once it became clear there wasn’t going to be a miracle. Only one box is labeled CLOTHES and Scott knows it only has items that Sarah thought the girls might like to have one day. He remembers packing it up with her, or at least starting to, holding up dresses and shirts and sweaters for her to judge. If he were to open the box, he’d find the dress she wore for their wedding, the ugly Christmas sweater she wore _every_ holiday season since she was in college, the T-shirt he bought her at the Dave Matthews Band concert Sarah had won free tickets for. That was the night they likely conceived Becca. There’s more, of course, including the pair of slippers that Mollie picked out for Sarah her last Christmas, but he’s not sure he’ll ever know what made Sarah keep certain things and throw out others.

He walks over to the window where more boxes are packed, smiling briefly when he sees that the top one is still left open from when Becca had dug through it earlier this year, though it does strike him that it’s possible she has been in here since then. This one is filled with crap he hadn’t wanted to properly sort, things Sarah didn’t get around to packing for him. CDs and movies that he never liked or reminded him too much of Sarah to keep out, tickets to movies and concerts they went to, those damn glass figurines that she collected. It was always so random when she would bring one home. He asked once if they were from a patient but she just shook her head and gave no more explanation.

Digging beneath everything else, his hand wraps around one of the bubble wrapped figures. He unfolds it carefully as he eases onto the corner of the bed. It’s an elephant, so small that it makes up a fraction of his palm, the glass not as shiny as it was when Sarah was left in charge of it. They were never put on display in the house, only kept in a box at the bottom of her wardrobe, but every single one looked like it was cleaned regularly when Sarah was still alive.

He’s hit with the idea of the girls asking him about them, this collection of their mom’s that he isn’t privy to. He has no answers for them and the thought of making something up to comfort them leaves him feeling gross, like he’s taking advantage of them even as he tries to give them what they want.

How is he supposed to be there for Becca and Mollie when he’s realized that maybe he didn’t know Sarah as well as he thought?

The tears start coming suddenly, a sob ripping through him so loud that he fists his hand around the elephant and brings it up to his mouth. Even though he knew they weren’t good as husband and wife, Scott could have been a better friend. He could have tried harder, especially for the girls. Sarah doesn’t – didn’t – begrudge him, he knows that. They talked about it towards the end, the mistakes they each made, the shortcomings, but there’s a weight settling on him now as those shortcomings affect the girls forever.

“Daddy?”

His takes a breath, squaring his shoulders before he turns to look at Becca. “Hey sweetheart,” he sniffles. “I thought you were asleep.”

She avoids the bed when she walks in, climbing into his lap instead, and it makes him cry harder when Becca starts wiping his face. “Why are you crying, Daddy?”

He answers honestly. “I miss Mommy.” Even as she frowns, Becca looks surprised. He wraps his arms around her in a tight hug, melting into the way she relaxes against his shoulder. He needs to get it together. A few more deep breaths and then he pulls back to look at her with a small smile. “How’s your head?”

“A little better.” Her voice is still raw from all the crying she’d been doing all day.

“That’s good. If it’s still sore tomorrow morning you don’t have to go to school.” He doesn’t want to keep her off for long, but he’s not going to send her back before she’s ready. Becca’s shaking her head as soon as he finishes the sentence though.

She stares at him intently, so much like Sarah in that moment that the tears he’s working hard to swallow start to bubble to the surface again. He loves looking at his girls and seeing their mother, he does, but it’s too much right now, too much for the very first time. “Daddy,” she says quietly. Her small hand is rubbing up and down his arm, comforting him even though he shouldn’t leave her with that responsibility. “Daddy, I think we should move in with Tessa and Nathan and the baby.”

It is not even in the realm of what he was expecting Becca to say and his jaw clenches in the shock of it. “Rebecca,” her full name dropped not in anger but in seriousness, “we don’t need to talk or think about that today. It’s Mommy’s day.”

“I know, but I just wanted to tell you.” She nods, almost to herself than anything more. “I think it’ll be okay.”

He gives her knee a squeeze. “You’re sure?”

She nods, this time more certain. “I am.”

He finds himself echoing her movement. He doesn’t know what else to say except, “I love you, Becca.”

Her head drops to his shoulder, her hair tickling his neck. “I love you too, Daddy.”

—

Tessa wakes with darkness. The coiled one in her body that slithers through her as she lies in bed, travelling to each limb, making them too heavy to lift. She had forgotten the sheer depth of the hollowness. It’s like the early days, after. Fitting then that it returns just days before the anniversary. Maybe her body is rebelling at the idea that Jonathan could be dead a year, shutting down and resting before the realisation sinks in. Sleep doesn’t come and when her alarm sounds she doesn’t get up and turn if off, she brings the phone right up to her ear so that she can hear his voice. Soft and sweet and _him_ , like he’s just away on a trip, not gone.

Except that’s not true, and the proof of that is all over her changing body, her baby just starting to stir. And that baby and her older one are the reasons she can’t just lie here, as tempting as it feels right now. She has to get up and take care of them, even if it’s just the simple task of feeding them and then cuddles on the couch. She can manage that, for them. It’s as she’s slowly rising that Nathan bounds into her room, wonderfully oblivious to the aching inside of her. It makes her almost sad, that he doesn’t understand that he’s missing a piece of him, but, as much as she wants Nathan to remember Jonathan, she also doesn’t want him to feel like she does. She wouldn’t wish this on anyone, let alone her baby boy.

“I put my glasses on!” he tells her proudly, and maybe it’s not as full as other mornings but she still smiles when she sees that they’re not quite properly secured, one strap a little higher than the other around his head.

“Well done!” she praises. “I’ll just fix them up a little for you.” She does so, and then kisses his forehead. “I love you, Nathan.”

“Love you too!” He tugs on her hand. “Breakfast? Please?”

Eating, at least, is easier now. Even though her grief is all over her, filling her to up near the brim, it’s no hardship to eat the porridge and fruit she prepares for Nathan and herself. Not when she knows her baby needs it. It’s strange, but in some ways she feels like the pregnancy almost makes the fact that she’s sleeping with someone else a year after her husband’s death a little easier. She thinks that if she and Scott were still sneaking around, or had maybe even moved towards something a little more like dating, it would feel dirtier somehow. It’s surreal, but there’s something… pure about this. Something innocent and good coming from something a little or a lot like sin.

After breakfast they make their way into the living room, Nathan pouring way too many toys out onto the carpet while she curls up in Jonathan’s favourite armchair, the one where if she holds the cushions just right they might still smell of him. She knows she should probably get both of them dressed, but one pyjama day won’t hurt. Nathan has playgroup tomorrow and they have the anniversary mass on the day itself, so she should take this chance to just be alone with him while she can get it. At least Nathan will be going to the mass. She’s not entirely sure she’s welcome. It’s not a phone call she wants to make, but she should try and find out now and not put it off, or show up where she’s not wanted.

She’s just about to hang up, figuring that Frank must be busy or have left his phone somewhere, when Marian answers. “Hello Tessa,” she says, voice somewhat stiff.

The sound of Marian’s voice wraps around Tessa, lump forming in her throat. “Oh… how are you?” She hasn’t spoken with Marian on the phone since before she told her about the baby.

There’s a pause that seems to stretch for ages before Marian sighs and says, “Not good, to be honest.” She can imagine Marian in the living room, settled in to her spot by the lamp that they’d picked out together. So rarely does anyone else sit there but Tessa loves that spot, the cushions worn comfortable from Marian sitting in it every day for years.

Tessa looks over to Nathan who looks so content with his cows and his Legos. She wishes she could feel like that, Jonathan’s chair providing only a little comfort. Regret builds inside her. Perhaps she shouldn’t have gotten rid of most of Jonathan’s things so soon after he passed. It’s not until now that she wishes she had more than a shirt or two to curl up with. Her gaze falls to her lap as she listens to Marian’s steady breathing. It sounds like she might have a cold but she probably has just been crying. “Me either,” Tessa admits. The words come out in an exhale, almost one of relief.

“Do you want us to come get Nathan?” Marian asks immediately. “Frank is in the shower but I could come if you need me to.”

Her heart swells in affection for her mother-in-law. Tessa knows she hasn’t made the last few months easy on Marian but it means so much that she is still willing to put her own feelings aside when she suspects Tessa or Nathan needs it. “No, thank you.” The idea of being alone in this house today is nothing short of terrifying. “I, um, I need him here with me I think.” Nathan pauses playing with his little chicks to smile at her and beckon her over. “I’m on the phone with Grammy, baby, I’ll be down in a minute, okay?”

He brightens, even starts to wiggle in his spot. Normally, he’d be up in an instant to talk to Marian but Tessa can see him struggling to leave the tower he’s trying to build. She puts him on speaker so Marian can hear him call, “Hi Grammy!!”

“Hi Nathan! Are you taking care of Mama today?” Nathan nods very seriously and Marian laughs when Tessa informs her of this, before asking, “Was there something in particular you wanted to speak to Frank about?”

Tessa takes the phone off speaker and puts it back up to her ear. “I was wondering about the mass… whether you wanted me to be there.”

She’s steeled herself to not go, or at least she’s tried, but Tessa knows she’ll be distraught to stay home. She hasn’t been much for religion, could count the number of times she went to church before she met Jonathan on one hand, but the community and relationships she’s forged are something she’s found herself missing. She thinks she needs that strong presence tomorrow, that steadfastness that only the church she was welcomed into will give her.

“Of course you should be there,” Marian states, seemingly confused as to why this would be in question. “He was your husband.”

She releases the breath she didn’t realize she was holding before swallowing hard. “Is,” Tessa can’t help but correct. “We didn’t…” She looks down at her wedding ring and finds herself trying to smile. “He is my husband.”

She’s waiting for Marian to snap, say something about how Tessa hasn’t been acting like a married woman, but all she gets is a gentle, if halting, “Of course he is.” There’s another pause before she adds, “And you have to come because who else will bake the best treats for afterwards?”

Tessa had forgotten all about the tea, coffee and cake and sandwiches to be served in the community room after the mass. It’s a little silly, maybe, but Tessa feels even more relieved that Marian still wants to eat something she’s baked. “I’d better get to work.” She’ll have to bake Marian’s favorite brownies.

“It’s no problem if you’re too busy or not feeling up to it,” Marian rushes.

“No, I’d like to.” She finds once she says it that she really would. She could make a start on some cookie dough to freeze after this call and bake on Thursday. Baking would be good for her, the focus and care it needs the perfect thing to keep her grounded.

“Great.” Marian clears her throat. “How about we come and pick you up before mass? We can go to the church all together.”

She hadn’t been expecting that. “Yes. Please.”

“Good.” Tessa thinks she can hear something like a smile in Marian’s voice. “We’ll see you then.”

After she says goodbye, she asks Nathan if he’d like to bake. He frowns and says, “Proper clothes and aprons, Mama!” and she laughs as she scoops him up and takes him upstairs.

After the cookie dough is in the freezer and they’ve moved on to the flapjacks, Scott calls. She hadn’t been expecting him to, they’d both agreed in not very many words that they wouldn’t be in contact as frequently this week and Sarah’s anniversary was just yesterday. She’d sent him a text in the morning but hadn’t received a response, not that she’d needed or anticipated one.

“Hi Scott. How… how are you?” Nathan stops his ‘stirring’ when he hears Scott’s name and makes grabby hands for the phone. She puts a finger up so that he knows to wait. He lets out a little huff but nods all the same and goes back to his batter. She combs her fingers through his unruly curls.

“Okay.” He doesn’t quite sound like it, voice rough around the edges, but she can’t fault him for that. She’s not sure she sounds very good either. “And you?”

“Better than earlier,” she admits. “Nathan wants to say hi.”

She hands her son the phone. “Mama and I baking!” he announces. He shuffles in his seat while listening to Scott’s question. “Flap… flapjacks!” He nods before saying, “Very busy,” and handing the phone back to her and returning to his task once more.

“You’re really putting work into this baking ruse,” Scott teases. He sounds a little lighter now. She tries not to put too much thought into the fact that it’s happened after talking to her son.

“Do you want photos?” It’s not quite as easy as it usually is between them when they banter like this; it’s like there are little splinters under their words, niggling and dividing them.

“Someday I’ll just have to see it for myself I guess.” He coughs. “That someday might actually happen sooner rather than later if… if you’re still into the idea.” Surely he doesn’t mean moving. “I know we said we wouldn’t be talking as often this week, but I didn’t think I should wait to tell you this. Becca told me that she’d be okay with all of us moving in together and finding a new place.”

“Oh.” She sits down. This is news she’s been wanting, been almost waiting on since the afternoon she shared with his daughter, but now that it’s here, all she can think of is the good things that have happened in this house, not standing at the door talking to the police, or walking around feeling like the empty bedrooms were mocking her. “That’s good.”

“Yeah?” he asks softly.

“Yes,” she says, trying to sound a little more effusive, but the strength of the happy emotions brings out the sad ones too. “It’s what I want, but…” Her eyes feel hot. Like a child, she rubs a fist against them. “This was our home, this is where we brought Nathan home, you know?” This is the only home he’s ever known.

“I do,” he says simply, because of course he does. He always gets it.

“And it’s just been a hard day.” She wipes at her eyes, smiling at Nathan to reassure him that she’s okay.

“I’m sorry I…”

She cuts him off. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait a few more days to hear that.” She strokes her bump. “And I like talking to you. These few days…” Despite everything, she’s missed him, missed the girls, and it feels like she’s been walking a tightrope, trying to keep all these emotions in check. “It’s right that they should be about Sarah and Jonathan, but if you need me, I’m always only a phone call away.”

He lets out a soft sigh. “And the same for me.” She likes knowing that. It’s not something she needed to be told really, but she likes having the confirmation. She likes the idea that he’s there for her if she needs him, even if how much she likes it scares her.

Tessa knows that the people you need most can leave without choosing to.

After Scott has said goodbye to both her and Nathan, she looks around her kitchen and decides not to mourn its impending loss, but to make the most of the time she has left in it. There are so many more memories to be made here, each one sweet, each one important to savour.

 

It’s not until about five hours before the mass that Tessa realises she’s going to need to choose something to wear. The thought comes like icy water down her back as she’s putting Nathan down for his nap. Does she have anything appropriate that will hide the bump? She knows that people are going to figure it out sooner rather than later, but she would prefer that to happen at another time than when they’re gathered to remember her husband.

The day hasn’t been as hard as she expected so far, certainly not as bad as the days leading up to it. All the baking had helped give her something to focus on, as well as the slight sniffle Nathan has developed. She’d thought she wouldn’t be able to get out of bed this morning, had even arranged for Jordan to come over and help her out, but when her alarm had gone off she’d let it play all the way through just once, then gotten up and went in to check if Nathan was running a temperature (thankfully not) and continued on with their routine. It was a good thing, but she wishes she’d focused earlier on what she could wear this evening.

She rests her hands on her stomach as she stares at her open wardrobe and closet. “You know I love you, but your timing might not have been the most ideal.” But if the timing had been different it wouldn’t be this exact baby. She rubs two large circles over her bump. “Sorry, you’re perfect, I just need to figure out what to dress us in.”

They’re having the anatomy scan next week, a little later than when she’d had hers with Nathan, which had worried her for a minute before she’d realised all that would be happening this week. Now she thinks it’s better it’s a little later, so that both she and Scott can have this time to focus on Jonathan and Sarah and the older kids over these few days, before being able to enjoy the scan next week. She feels so much more secure with this pregnancy, nowhere near as anxious as she’d been when she was expecting Nathan. Maybe it’s naive, especially after all they’ve both been through, but she knows this baby is healthy. And they will be loved no matter what.

Tessa tries on a black wool dress first and pulls it off before even attempting to do up the zipper. It’s not a maternity dress and it seems that anything somewhat structured is officially off the table between her breasts and her stomach. Her nerves rise a little as she puts on some black trousers, the band nice and stretchy with elastic, and tries pairing them with a variety of blouses and sweaters. The ones that do manage to conceal the bump just aren’t right for the mass, and the ones that are appropriate make her look very clearly pregnant. She isn’t going to turn what should be an evening about Jonathan into a de facto announcement of her pregnancy, and she isn’t ready for an onslaught of questions about the baby from all the people there. She’s not quite ashamed, she couldn’t be, but she’s not proud of the actions that led her here. And she can’t bear the idea of someone else assuming that the baby is Jonathan’s, not today and not ever.

Sometimes, when she tries to picture this little one, she sees blonde curls, and then she feels so guilty. She doesn’t know whether the guilt is for Scott or for Jonathan, which of them she’s betraying in those tiny fragments of time. She’ll always wish things were different, that she would’ve been granted more time with Jonathan, that they’d been given an easier route when it came to their family, would trade all the fortune they amassed for a do over. And yet, in the same breath, she can’t imagine not having Scott in her life. She’d be worse off, she thinks, not knowing him. It’s terrifying, acknowledging that in her mind but it’s the safest place right now for such thoughts. Tessa palms her stomach.

She doesn’t want this baby to be anyone but Scott’s.

Maybe he or she will have his nose like Becca does or his eyes like Mollie. She hopes her brown-haired baby won’t look too dissimilar to Nathan, prays that her genes shine through enough so that her boy won’t feel left out with a his younger sibling who looks quite different.

A black skirt catches her eye and she rises from the pouffe in the centre of her closet to slip it on. The bump is still a little obvious, but if she puts a loose top on she thinks she can get away with it. After searching through her blouses she finds a flowy top that had looked too casual with the black slacks but looks perfectly suitable with the skirt. It's more Jordan's style than her own really, but she finds that she doesn't mind.

“We did it!” she tells her baby, and, when she thinks about it, those words could be applied to this whole year. It had been harder than anything she could have imagined, but somehow she'd made it through. They all had.

She smiles, easy and genuine. Her hands slip beneath the top to caress her stomach, skin to skin, her next breath making her feel lighter than she’s felt in a year. Tessa never would have expected a moment like this today.

When the time comes to get ready properly, she puts her hair in a simple bun and picks out some earrings that match Nathan’s shirt. They’re organised just in time for when the Bradys arrive. Both Marian and Frank are there when she opens the front door, Nathan rushing out to hug them while she buttons up her coat.

“Oh wow,” Frank says as he takes in the array of Tupperware containers that are piled up and around the hall table. “You’ve been busy. Between these and all the sandwiches Marian’s made, we could feed the whole of London. The one in England.”

Marian hands over Nathan to his grandpa, stopping to fix the little bow tie at Nathan’s collar and then to straighten the knot of Frank’s tie. “You take Nathan out and get him buckled up, and then come back and help us.”

It’s so unnatural that this is the first time in weeks that Marian is in her house, and this is made worse by the fact Tessa is going to have to tell her soon that she’s definitely moving. Her thumb moves to press against her wedding band. Not today though. Today doesn’t need any extra complications, nor does Tessa want to ruin this tentative repair to their relationship.

“How are you feeling?” Marian asks as she grabs a box of scones and a chocolate fudge cake.

“A little better today somehow,” she confesses carefully. She hopes that Marian understands. “Maybe because I’ve been distracting myself.” She nods down at the containers she’s carrying as they make their way to the back of the car.

Marian moves the boxes around in the trunk, trying to fit them in with the trays of sandwiches she’s made. “That’s good. I didn’t just mean today, though. I…” She straightens up. Hesitantly, she glances down at Tessa’s stomach and there’s a funny tilt to Marian’s lips then, like they’re not sure if they should frown or grin or do nothing at all. “I was talking about you and the baby.”

“Oh.” Tessa had been sure they’d just ignore that this evening. “We’re…” Her fingers itch to touch her belly but she can’t bring herself to do it with Marian’s eyes on her. “We’re doing really well, thank you.”

“Frank said your sickness cleared up after the first trimester. Have you had any heartburn yet this time around?” Marian puts her hand on Tessa’s elbow as they go back in the door.

“Uh, no, none yet.” It had started towards the end of her second trimester with Nathan, and Marian had been so great providing her with remedy ideas. More than that, Marian was always willing to commiserate with her, quick to assure Tessa that it was okay to not be happy with every bit of pregnancy even after such a tough road.

A real smile appears on Marian’s lips then, her hand coming up to play with the cross at her neck. “That’s good. Oh, you made those lemon bars, everyone loves them!”

She latches on to the chance to talk about something normal again, like things haven’t changed. “I added just a little more juice this time, I hope it goes down well.”

“They’ll be delicious, I’m sure.” Marian bumps her shoulder with Tessa’s. “Everything you make always is, Tessa.”

Frank joins them, grinning from ear to ear, which might be a little surprising with where they’re heading but makes sense all the same. Tessa knows how difficult it must have been for him to be the go-between. He picks up the remaining containers and asks, “Are we ready to go?”

Tessa takes a breath. “Yes. I think so.”

When she joins Nathan in the backseat his smile is so wide. “Mama, Grammy, and Grandpa!” He waves his hands a little, like he’s doing a dance in his carseat.

She takes one of his hands and kisses it. An apology for how her actions have led to keeping three of his favourite people from being together all at the same time. But they’re here now, for this evening anyway.

One good thing for this day.

—

He really doesn’t like this house.

Scott isn’t exactly sure what Tessa told the realtor they were looking for but he knows for certain, this house isn’t it. It’s completely over the top in every way. The kitchen is state of the art (which is nice but unnecessary), there’s a wine cellar just below it, every bedroom has an en-suite, there are honest to god statues in the backyard. The master bedroom even has a fireplace! Despite not being as big as Tessa’s current house, it’s somehow even more ostentatious.

And the carpet. It’s _white_. Scott hasn’t owned anything white since even before Becca was born.

The realtor’s phone goes off and he excuses himself, leaving them alone in the sunroom off the back porch. Scott clears his throat, pulling his jacket around him tighter when the breeze kicks up, but keeps his gaze down to his feet just in case Tessa loves this house. “So, what do you think?”

Scott ventures a look when Tessa moves closer to the door, watching curiously as she peers inside the screen before shutting the door. “I hate this house,” Tessa says when she turns to look at him. “It’s _obnoxious_.”

The relief Scott feels is indescribable. “Thank fuck,” he sighs, laughing when Tessa does. “What sort of notes did you give him?”

“Nothing that would’ve led us here,” Tessa asserts. “I said we wanted six bedrooms. A big kitchen and a nice yard. Space for you to make a work shed if there wasn’t one already. That’s it!” Perhaps the realtor didn’t have much to work with given that he only had a few days to pull together listings for them, but even Scott has seen better houses than this online. Tessa walks around the sunroom, running her hand over the frame and lingering over the built in shelves. “This is quite nice though. I never considered a sunroom.”

“I could build you this on whatever house we get.” Tessa turns to him so sharply that one end of her scarf falls from her shoulder, eyes growing dark as they dart from his face to his lips to his jeans and back again. He wants nothing more than to leave this house and enjoy Tessa’s second trimester, but they can’t put this off, not if they want to be settled with plenty of time before the baby arrives. “This is way more than you asked for. Unnecessarily so.”

Tessa nods, slumps down into one of the wicker chairs, the seat noisy from the weight. “I think he’s going off the fact that I have money rather than what I actually want.”

That doesn’t surprise Scott in the least bit. “Do we need a realtor?”

Tessa’s face screws up. “Of course we need a realtor, Scott. Unless you’ve been holding out on me and you know how to negotiate all of that.”

“I’m afraid you can’t add that to your spank bank,” he quips, grinning when she smacks his leg. “But look, I've found a bunch of houses that I think could work for us. Why don’t we reach out to those ones rather than have that jackass show us around?”

“He’s not a jackass,” she chastises.

Scott shakes his head. “Tessa, you just told me he completely disregarded your feelings.”

“To be fair, this does meet what I asked for… it’s just way _more_ than that.” Tessa sits up a little straighter before she looks down, her hand coming to her belly beneath her open coat as a tiny smile appears on her face. “Oh, hello there.”

Scott crouches down next to her. “Moving?” he asks, his voice nearly cracking with excitement. Maybe it’s silly to get so worked up when he knows he still can’t feel the baby, but it thrills him all the same.

She nods and takes his hand, even as she says, “I still don’t think you can feel it yet but right here is where I feel it.” His palm rests flat on her belly, just above her hip bone. Her eyes light up but he doesn’t feel anything. As much as he wishes he could feel now, it’s enough knowing that Tessa can feel their baby, proof that everything is going as it should. Tessa‘s smile turns apologetic. “They’ll get stronger soon enough. Then you’ll be able to feel.”

“I know.” He thumbs at the corner of her lips until she laughs and her smile is bright again. “I can wait. I promise.”

“Sorry about that,” the realtor announces as he steps back outside. “What are we thinking? Do we want to make an offer?” He looks so hopeful that Scott almost feels sorry for him. Almost.

“Actually, Ken, I think we’re going to pass,” Tessa says as she stands back up, using Scott’s shoulder as support even though she doesn’t need it. “And we have to go pick up my son, so we’ll touch bases later.”

Scott waits until they’re back in the car before asking, “Are we going to go back to him?” He definitely knows that she lied about getting Nathan since Tanith took him.

Tessa shrugs. “Only once we find the house. He can handle back end stuff.” She starts fiddling with his radio but before settling on a station perks up. “Can we get some lunch?”

They settle in on the couch at his place, the coffee table covered in three different kinds of fries, though he’s not sure onion rings count. “Show me what you’ve got,” Tessa says around a bite of her cheeseburger. There’s some ketchup and mustard running down the corner of her mouth and without second guessing himself, he scoops it up with the fry in his hand. “What if I was saving that?” She swallows her bite before she licks at the space he cleaned, doing a little wiggle when she catches the salt the fry left.

Scott laughs as he reaches for his laptop from the side table. “I can squirt a ketchup packet in your mouth if you’d like.” Tessa wrinkles her nose. “That’s what I thought.” The computer is still open to the last listing he was looking at but it’s not a contender at all. It’s only a four bedroom and while he knows he could get it to six, it needs way more work than he has time to spend on fixing it up.

He’s trying to find all the listings he saved when Tessa scoots closer. “I’m going to need the last bite of your burger.”

“What?” His eyes dart to his mostly finished burger sitting on the arm of the couch. “Why?”

“Because you stole my-”

“Your mess,” Scott quips. Tessa glares as she takes another bite of her burger. It’s so fucking cute that he wants to kiss her but he’s also not sure how much she’s actually upset about this. “Is this a pregnancy craving thing? Should I be more conscious?”

He figures Tessa isn’t actually mad when she reaches over to take her bite of his burger and then happily takes the bag of onion rings into her lap before settling against him. “Does it count as a craving if I just wanted a little bacon from your burger?” He doesn’t know how to answer that. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to because Tessa is completely focused on the screen, nose wrinkled up. “I don’t like this one.”

“I already nixed it, don’t worry.” He manages to find all of his saved picks, suddenly nervous at the prospect of showing her. What if their idea of the perfect house is drastically different? What if what he thinks is a great deal, she finds laughable?

“Scott, a lot of these don’t have enough bedrooms.” She taps her nail against the very first one on the list. “Four bedrooms? That’s only enough for the kids!”

It would certainly be a tight fit but it’d be easy enough to add two extra rooms down in the basement. He’s not thrilled with having to be so far away from everyone else, but at least Tessa and the kids would have plenty of space up top. “The girls are perfectly fine sharing a room. It’s not like they’re not doing it now.” He clicks on the picture gallery. Surely once she sees his idea, she’ll be willing to give the house a chance.

Tessa isn’t even looking at the screen anymore, head resting in her hand on the back of the couch instead, watching him carefully. “You’ve never had to share a room, have you?” He's not sure what that has to do with anything and is surprised that Tessa laughs when he shakes his head. “I figured. No one who ever had to share a room with a sibling thinks that’s okay.” She bites into an onion ring only the onion slithers out of its breading. She frowns around the onion, wordlessly holding the leftover bits between her fingers in front of his mouth. “I would really like for the girls to have their own rooms. Or have the option to.” He licks her fingertips before chewing on the breading, crisp and greasy and delicious. Her frown deepens just as the onion crunches noisily between her teeth. “Not that… I don’t want you to think I’m- You’re their parent, obviously.”

He’s been thinking about this a lot, albeit only vaguely. Living together means there’s going to be some parenting overlap, especially once the baby is born and they’ll both be responsible for it. The girls are used to his rules, and Nathan Tessa’s, but what are those going to look like together? He doesn’t mind the girls jumping on their beds but he has a feeling Tessa doesn’t support that for Nathan. It’s hard enough explaining to kids why someone older gets to do things they can’t; how are they going to explain to the kids that they can or can’t do things as the other kiddos? Scott takes a deep breath, his palm coming to rest on Tessa’s thigh. “It makes me happy that you care about the girls enough to fight to give them their own rooms.”

“I don’t want to overstep,” Tessa says as if he needs her to explain herself. “I meant it when I said I’m not trying to be their mom.”

He smiles, nice and easy, in an effort to keep her from working herself up anymore than she already has. “I know, Tess, I know that’s not what you’re doing.” He gives her shoulder a little bump while squeezing her leg. “You just want them comfortable.”

Tessa nods. “And happy. I know Becca isn’t thrilled about having to move still. A room of her own could give her the space she needs.” She pauses and then, “Not that I’m trying to bribe her!”

Laughing, Scott wraps an arm around her shoulders and kisses her temple, delighted when she relaxes against him. “Calm down. It’s just me.” Her eyebrows are still askew when she looks up at him, worry pulling her lips to the side of her face but she nods, leaning in to give him a quick kiss to his lips. Only it’s not quick, never is when there’s no pressing time limit. Scott takes the time to suck her bottom lip between his own, the hand at her shoulder coming to thread through her hair the best he can when she has it pulled up in a bun.

She nips at his lip in her retreat, red lips now sporting a tiny smile. “I’m sorry I’m so nervous. I know it’s just you,” she says. “I trust you.”

“And I trust you. I know you only want what’s best for the kids. Like I said, I love that you do.” With her smile still in place, Scott tilts his head towards the laptop. “Ready to look at some houses?” At her nod, Scott pulls up the second house on the list. “I know this one is only a five bedroom, but the basement is big enough that I could build an extra room down there.”

The smile starts to shrink. “I don’t like the idea of us being on different floors.” She clicks through the photo gallery and her nose wrinkles. “And the bathrooms are so dated. I think my grandmother’s house had that tile.”

“That’s an easy fix though. My brothers and I could bring them into this century.”

Tessa shakes her head. “I don’t want a project.” She sounds somewhat regretful or maybe just sorry that they’re not on the same page. “It’ll drive me crazy, I know it will. Especially if it’s not done once I start nesting.” He hadn’t considered that at all. He knows that he can get things done in a good amount of time, but that’s not taking into account the fact that they’ll have three kids running about too. _And_ hockey season is starting back up. “That’s not to say I need something perfect,” Tessa fills in the silence, “just, if there’s going to be stuff you want to fix up, I’d prefer it be things that could wait or will be smaller.”

“That’s totally fair.” He clicks back to the list and chuckles. “Well, this narrows it down quite a bit.”

“I would apologize again, but I have a feeling you’ll just tell me it’s fine,” she teases as she swaps the onion rings out for the regular fries, but not before Scott has a chance to grab one for himself, this time with onion.

“You would be correct.” He pops the whole onion ring into his mouth. “Let me know what you think about any of them. There are some here I don’t like but they’ll work.”

They make their way down the list, a few of the houses being dismissed for looking too modern (Scott is indescribably happy about Tessa sharing his taste for older homes and not caring for houses that look like they should be in the Hollywood hills. He knows that her house now was mostly Jonathan’s idea but he had worried that Tessa was taken with it), others for requiring too much work, and a few more for being out of the girls’ school district. It wouldn’t matter too much for Mollie since she’s only in SK, but Becca has her friends and he doesn’t want to disrupt that. They come across the house that had been his favorite and Scott shifts nervously as he opens up the gallery.

It’s definitely newer but still a normal looking house, nothing like the other designs they’ve already decided aren’t for them. It’s got six bedrooms and two baths, a nice kitchen with a great sized family room. The bedrooms themselves are a bit small but it should serve them well for however long they decide to live together.

“It’s good, but there really isn’t much of a yard,” Tessa comments. As if on cue, Marner barks from where they’ve sequestered him outside for lunch, and Tessa giggles. “We can’t have the pup suffer.” Tessa takes over scrolling, her fingers leaving behind little grease marks from her fries, a little gasp coming from her when she looks at where the house is located. “There’s a park just a block over!” Scott watches, amused and fond, as Tessa grabs her phone and quickly pulls up the park. “Oh this is just _lovely_! Look at the play structure! And they have water pads in the summer!” She’s practically vibrating in excitement. “Can we go drive by the house?”

There’s just enough time before she told Tanith she’d pick up Nathan so Scott grabs his keys while Tessa grabs her purse and the curly fries.

The drive from his house isn’t too bad, the neighborhood they have to drive through to find it beautiful and looking like a great place to raise kids. He’s just about to turn onto the street that may become theirs when he sees it, his eyes darting to a house with a FOR SALE sign pressed into the lawn just as Tessa starts coughing around a fry, her hand scrambling for the water bottle Scott keeps in the middle console. He makes sure no one is behind them before correcting the car to go straight, putting on his blinker even though no one is around, and takes them to park in front of this gorgeous red brick house with a white porch and blue shutters framing each window, low hedges lining the walk way and two birches growing tall on either side of the entry.

He has never seen a house he’s wanted more.

“Oh, Scott,” Tessa says, her breath fogging the window as she presses up against it to look at the house. “Look at this one!”

He reaches into his back pocket for his phone, intending to pull up the listing for the house since the information is on the sign, only for Tessa to unbuckle herself, fingers already pulling at the car handle. “What are you doing?”

She looks over her shoulder at him, grin taking up her face and somehow growing even bigger when she spots a fry that fell onto the gearshift. “I’m going to get a better look!”

They have no idea if this house is even what they need on the inside! It could be a four bedroom, it could have dated fixtures, it could only have one bathroom! There’s no getting any of those thoughts out, Tessa practically leaping from the car to the sidewalk. His own seatbelt unclicks and zips back into place quickly as if it understands just how fast Scott needs to get out of the car to stop Tessa from looking into the windows of a house like some sort of pregnant burglar.

Scott can already see the headlines. ‘Instagram co-creator caught casing home in London neighborhood, also pregnant.’

“That title could use some work,” he mutters to himself as he climbs out of the car. Tessa is already walking towards the empty driveway, a noticeable skip in her step that makes him nervous since the ground is still slick from the not quite rain, not quite snow that fell this morning. “Be careful!”

“I always am,” she calls back, determinedly going up to the small attached garage. He’s surprised that she didn’t go straight up to the door and demand to be let in.

He takes his time walking to her when she stops and stares up at the house, hands going to her hips as her chin tilts up to take in the trees but then she starts observing the hedge before stepping over it so she can get to the window. Scott is quick to make his way over and steady her, Tessa giving him a smile in thanks and still going over to the window. “Tessa, what if someone calls the cops?”

Tessa cups her hands around her eyes so she can see through the glass better. “And say what? Report that there I, a potential homebuyer, am looking into a house that is clearly marked for sale?” She pulls back just enough so that he can see her roll her eyes.

Scott shakes his head. “People could still live here,” he asserts. He types the address into his search bar, plus the name of the realty group and then taps enter. “We can easily look at the house online.”

Tessa makes a small _ooh_ noise an bounces on her heels. “Look at that crown moulding!” She reaches out. “Scott, look at this!”

“I am looking.” He holds his phone up when she looks back at him, giving it a little shake. “I am looking in a way that will not get me arrested for being a peeping Tom.”

Tessa huffs and turns around in her spot so that she can look at him head on. “The only thing I’m peeping is the architecture.”

Scott smirks. “And I’m sure that will go over real well with the cops.” He holds his hand out, thankful when she takes it and comes back over into the walkway. “Come on, let's take a non-creepy look at this house.” She tries leading them to the steps at the base of the porch but he leads them back to the car, kissing her temple at her small, regretful huff. He opens the back door and slides in after she does.

Huddled close, Scott cradles his phone so that they can both see it clearly. The house is just as gorgeous on the inside as it is on the outside and way cheaper than he was expecting for a house of its size. There are six bedrooms with four and a half bathrooms, a finished basement, the garage converted into a laundry room and pantry. The backyard is an absolute dream, with enough yard for Marner and the kids to be happy, _plus_ a pool and a patio. There are two sheds too, one that can easily be turned into a space for his woodwork. Even though the house was built in the ‘40s, it’s been tastefully updated while keeping classic features like the crown moulding that Tessa was lusting over (and Scott has to admit, it is pretty amazing). There’s more fireplaces than he would like and there’s maybe a few changes in the kitchen that he wants to take care of, but ultimately, he knows this is their house.

It is everything they could ask for. It looks like a house for the family they’ve cobbled together.

“Tess,” he says softly, grin growing when her hand goes to his thigh and squeezes before he says anything more.

“This is it.” She nods once, with finality. “This is the house.”

There’s still a lot they need to do in order to make it theirs, including actually discussing how they’re going to pay for it because he doesn’t want Tessa to foot the bill when they’re doing this together. But right now it can wait because Tessa is pressing kisses along his jaw, her hand sliding up higher.

Turning to meet her lips, he laughs against her mouth. “Are we doing this in broad daylight now?”

Tessa shrugs, thumb stroking his ear lobe before her hand cards through his hair. “I don’t think there’s enough time to get back to your house before we have to collect Nathan and the girls.” He helps her into his lap even though he really should put a stop to this. He isn’t too fond of a headline involving the two of them getting caught for public indecency either. “We just have to keep our clothes on.” He’s never been more grateful for the backseat’s tinted windows.

A laugh rumbles in his throat and turns to a moan when Tessa rocks her hips. “You’re in jeans.”

“Details,” she murmurs. His hand slips into the elastic that makes up the band of her pants, making sure that before his fingers dip beneath her panties he gives her stomach a proper caress. They’re quieter than usual now, swallowing each other’s soft moans and grunts with their kisses, taking the other person’s signs of pleasure as they give them more.

When they’re finished Tessa takes his wet fingers and licks them clean, lips and teeth dragging over his skin while she looks into his eyes with lowered lashes. “We really do need to go,” he reminds her regretfully.

“I know.” She smiles, leaning forward so that she can kiss him. “Must be auspicious to be in this backseat again outside our new home.” Scott’s still laughing as he rolls the windows down once they make their way back into the front seat even though it’s chilly out. He knows it smells like sex in there now and Tanith seems like the type to call them out on it. Tessa pulls the visor down, checking her hair and lipstick in the tiny mirror. “Does it count as a walk of shame if it’s in front of your own house?” Tessa asks.

He leans over, leaves a sloppy kiss on her cheek that makes her giggle. “Is it a walk of shame if we both look like cats that caught the canary?”

Tessa tilts her head in consideration before conceding that it doesn’t really count. With their seatbelts clicked into place, Scott puts the car into drive while Tessa looks out the window again. “Bye house!”

The smile he sports doesn’t fall from his face at all, in fact, only growing as he listens to Tessa call the realtor, intent on making the house officially theirs.

—

This scan is a little different to her previous ones. At the first two, Scott had only taken her hand once they saw their baby, almost like he wasn’t even thinking about it, but this time he’d held it from the start. It’s a different ultrasound tech too, Annie, and for the first time in either of Tessa’s pregnancies she’s had the gel warmed up for her before it’s been placed on her stomach. She’d been expecting it to be nicer than the cold, but it’s actually pretty weird. Not the kind of warmish, sticky substance she might prefer to have all over her body.

Even though the baby still seems impossibly tiny, Tessa can see how much they’ve grown since the last scan, and along with feeling how much more they’ve been moving over the past few weeks she can now see it too. She wonders if this is just routine for Annie, whether what is absolutely magical for parents is to her something like a board meeting for Tessa. Somehow Tessa doesn’t think it could be. It’s an amazing job really, getting to see the beginnings of new lives. But it must have its impossible moments, being able to see that something is wrong but not having the authority to share that at the time. Tessa knows from reading articles and blogs about how those scans play out, and closer to her too from the woman who had been her P.A. when she worked full-time at headquarters. She hadn’t been worried before coming in, but she still finds herself relaxing as she takes in how cheerful Annie is, how she points out the baby’s length and where they’re located, making sounds of approval the whole way through.

“Would you like me to see if I can tell you if you’re having a girl or a boy?” Annie asks.

“Yes please,” Tessa says, her excitement bringing out the explosiveness of the sounds.

Scott squeezes her hand while Annie gets to work. “Okay, I have a good clear shot, and I am happy to tell you that I think you’re having a little girl!”

Tessa and Scott gasp at the exact same time, their hands tightening in one another’s. She starts crying and laughing in the same breath. _A baby girl._ She’s pictured this before, not that she’d treat a daughter any different to how she treats Nathan, or encourage them towards any different activities, but still. She thinks there’s maybe something a little different about a relationship between a mom and a daughter to a mom and a son. She’s been a teenage girl, and one who was too bright or too awkward or not wealthy enough (not that this little girl will experience that), she’s lived all that. And she can share that with her daughter (and hopefully Scott’s daughters too) in a way that won’t have quite the same relevance for Nathan.

“A girl,” Scott repeats, the wonder that she’s feeling echoing in his tone. He leans in to kiss her cheek and she inclines her head so that their lips graze.

“Our baby girl.”

The next few minutes of cleaning up and talking to her midwife about the scan and their plans for upcoming months pass in a bit of a haze. She just wants to go home with the photos of her baby, her _daughter_ , in her hands and talk to Scott. They leave the clinic hand in hand, their gloves matching shades of soft grey. “Would you have liked a boy?” she asks when he walks her over to the passenger side of the minivan. It’s not something they’d ever talked about before, both being so focused on the baby being well and all the decisions they had to make. She would understand though, if he were a little disappointed at not getting to experience raising a son.

He frowns a little. “I just care that the baby and you are healthy. A boy would have great, but our girl is perfect.”

She can’t help beaming at ‘our girl’. “I know how much you adore the girls, but… I just wondered if maybe you would have liked a son too.”

“Maybe I just make girls,” he shrugs. He’s smiling and she knows it’s genuine, that he really doesn’t care that he’s adding another daughter. “Seems a good way to be. And anyway, I’ll have Nathan on my side when all you girls gang up on me. He’s the best little guy I could know.”

She surges forward, capturing his lips with hers with as much fire as she ever has. It’s the first time she’s done that outside since the very first time she kissed him, and it’s so very different now. Familiar rather than new, assured rather than desperate. And even though it’s late November and she can see their breath in the air it feels warmer than that April evening.

He keeps his forehead pressed against hers. “Do you want to go to your house? We can talk things over?”

She laughs. “Talk? We’re not going to either of our houses if we’re talking. And we need to talk. If we go to my house, we’re just going to fuck.”

Scott raises his eyebrows like he’s shocked. “No we wouldn’t!” She raises her eyebrows just as high. “Okay, we definitely would.”

She kisses him again, softer this time. “We need to talk about putting an offer in on the house. Our little girl needs somewhere to live.”

He rubs his hand lovingly over her stomach before opening the door for her and helping her in. She doesn’t really need the help but she’s in the mood to indulge him. When he asks her where she wants to go, she directs him to the coffee shop she’d taken Becca to, figuring if it had worked well for that discussion she can hope for good to come from this one too.

On the drive over, they talk about the scan, and then the house they’re hoping will soon be theirs. They’d viewed it yesterday and it had looked even better inside than it had the time she’d peeped in through the window, or from the photographs online. It was wonderfully traditional, but had been updated tastefully and was perfectly sized for a modern, not so traditional family. She couldn’t wait to play with the kids in the backyard, and decorate the nursery, and bake in the kitchen. And even though she and Scott will be sleeping in separate bedrooms, they surely could still christen a few rooms around the house. Walking inside the front door had felt like coming home, and she hasn’t had that feeling in her own house for quite some time.

She gets down to business as soon as they’re seated with her hot chocolate and his latte. “So, money. Our favourite topic of conversation.”

Scott coughs. “We’re just jumping straight in, huh?” He takes a long sip of his coffee.

“It’s what your daughter did when we were here together.” She shrugs. “I’m just following Becca’s lead.”

He nods, a smile in the corner of his lips. “That seems like a pretty solid plan, to be fair.” He takes another sip of his drink, this time quick, like he’s ready to hit this head on. “You’re ready to make the offer?”

“I can pay for the house straight away,” she says matter-of-factly. “It’s the perfect house, and we couldn’t hope for a better deal.” She doesn’t see any point in trying to negotiate the asking price down just for the sake of doing it, she’d be willing to pay much more than what they’re looking for.

His jaw clenches even as he nods. “I want to pay for half. Eventually.”

“ _Scott_.” She had known he’d want to contribute, but this is ridiculous. “I…” She lowers her voice, she’s now seriously rethinking her bright idea to talk about this in public. “That wouldn’t be fair. I am significantly better off than you are.”

He tilts his head in concession, then offers, “I could sell the house.”

She’s shaking her head before he even finishes the sentence. “You are not selling your house.” She doesn’t snap, but it’s a firmer tone than she’s used with him in a long time.

He rubs his hands over his jeans. “Okay, I guess paying for half wouldn’t make sense if… if we keep with the plan of living together until the baby gets a bit older.” Tessa bites her lip, that’s not all all where she’d been going with that. She just didn’t want him to have to sell his house to get enough money to help pay for this new one. “But I could rent out my house and give the rent to you. And then the girls and I could move back in whenever we decide it’s the right time.”

Tessa no longer likes the plan of only living together for a certain period of time, she’s not sure she ever fully liked it as much as saw value to it. But isn’t it just putting off the problem of custody until later? And this way the kids will get so used to all living together and then be separated. But equally she can’t just expect them to live together until they’re all off at college. She and Scott haven’t even tried to define their relationship. She doesn’t want him to feel like he has to stay involved with her romantically, couldn’t bear that actually, and she doesn’t want to hold him back from some other relationship that might make him happy. But there is no way she can live in the same house as him and some other woman – the idea makes her want to claw off all her skin. So that leaves them with living together indefinitely, leaving the option to move out always open.

This is all so much. Tessa rubs at her brow. “I don’t want you paying rent. It would be like you were paying to live with your own child.”

Scott frowns, and he looks both confused and a little irritated. “That’s not what it would be like. I’m not going to just sponge off you, I want to contribute.”

Truly she would have no problem with him living with them and not paying anything, but she understands that he wants to be involved financially. She places a hand over her bump, the place where their daughter had been hanging out earlier. “We agreed that we’d both pay towards everything the baby needs. And a home is something the baby needs, so we will both contribute. But it doesn’t have to be rent. If the situation was turned around would you expect me to pay rent?”

She sees him work through this before shaking his head, admittedly begrudgingly. They’re both quiet for a little minute, running through possible solutions, when he says, “How about I pay for the bills? It makes sense that you pay for the house seeing as you’re planning on moving anyway, and this way it will be just in your name for… moving out.” Tessa’s lips are going to be raw soon. “I get that you don’t like the idea of rent, but this way I could still be paying towards the house, and I can fix things up too.”

“That sounds good,” she says. The bills part anyway. “It’s a good compromise.” She reaches for a tissue from her purse and dabs at her eyes. Scott moves a little closer to her, his chair squeaking as he does so. He puts a gentle hand on her knee and the words just start tumbling out of her. “It’s not that I don’t want you to sell your house because I think you’ll be going back there.” She shakes her head, shrugging as her hands fist around her tissue. “I mean, maybe you will, but… that’s…” That is the most terrifying thought Tessa has had in a while. “I’m not waiting for the day you’re going to move out. Or not looking forward to it anyway, not at all.” She meets his eyes only to find them wet like her own. He looks equal parts happy and scared and god, how is it that they've managed to find their way back to the same page so quickly? “I want to live with you and the girls. And I know that things might not work out but… I want this.” It’s the most she can give him right now, the best descriptor, and she just hopes it’s enough. She really thinks it is.

The silence between them feels like the longest there’s ever been. It’s a little scary but Tessa watches the way he soaks up her confession and builds himself up in the wake of it. “I want this too, living with you and Nathan and the baby. For as long as it works for all of us. Which I hope…” Scott lets out a little laugh and nods. “Yeah.” He reaches out for her hand, threading them together.

“Okay.” She breathes out. “Good talk.”

He laughs again, and lifts up her hand to kiss it. “Do you want to go back to your house and make out until you have to go get Nathan from playgroup?”

“Yes.” She’s already pulling on her coat, which makes Scott laugh even more. She whispers, “Hurry up, please. I jumped on you in a parking lot again earlier. It took great willpower to go here and talk about this stuff instead and I deserve a reward.”

“I’d hate to disappoint you,” he jokes as he pulls on his coat.

Maybe it’s a hangover from their conversation, but she doesn’t feel in the mood to play along. “You couldn’t,” she says seriously, taking his hand in hers as they walk back out to the minivan. It’s still a little scary to do that so publicly, but she feels she’s done a few scary things today now. This baby girl is making her brave.

 

Her alone time with Scott doesn’t last anywhere near as long as she’d like but she does go to pick up Nathan with a glow after Scott manages to get her off with the kind of speed but satisfaction that’s only possible from someone who knows exactly what she needs and wants. The kids at playgroup had spent the morning playing indoor soccer so her boy is very quiet in the car on the way home and more than ready for his nap. While he’s sleeping she gets ready to talk to him about moving, printing off photos from the realtor’s website and using up all her coloured ink. She knows that Scott will be doing something similar. She’s placed a deposit on the house but they won’t be proceeding unless the kids okay it.

After lunch she takes Nathan into the living room where she has the photographs piled on the coffee table along with the sonogram of his little sister. They’ve decided not to tell the kids that the baby is a girl yet though; they’re going to do that when they’re all together.

“Do you remember the baby in Mama’s tummy?” she begins. Nathan nods, frowning a little in the direction of her stomach. She knows he’s been a bit put out that cuddling isn’t as comfy as it used to be for him, but he’s adapted well to just snuggling into her side. “This is a photo of the baby.”

She hands the sonogram to him and he holds it carefully, screwing up his face in concentration. “Baby?” he asks, not looking in any way convinced.

“I know the baby doesn’t look like the one in your book yet, it’s still very small. But they’re growing all the time.” She takes Nathan’s hand and places it on her bump. “You can see how Mama’s stomach is getting bigger, right?”

“Big tummy,” he says seriously, causing Tessa to fight off a set of giggles.

“Yeah.” She encourages him to curl into her side. “I have something I’d like to talk to you about.” She holds up the sonogram. “Scott is this baby’s daddy. So you’re the baby’s brother and Becca and Mollie are the baby’s sisters.” She waits for him to nod. It’s a lot to take in, she knows, but he seems to follow well enough. “Scott and I think that we should all live together in a new house. You, me, Scott, Becca, Mollie, and the new baby. What do you think about that?”

“All together? Every day?” His voice is getting squeaky like it does when he’s really excited.

She puts a bright smile on her face. “Yes, you’d get to see them every day.” She starts playing with his hair, moving his curls about until they sit perfectly on his head. “Though Scott has work and the girls have school so we wouldn’t be together all the time. And it would be in a new house, so we’d move our things.”

His face clouds over and his lower lip starts to tremble. “Mama come too?”

She gathers him in tight against her. “Of course. I’ll be there with you always.” Her poor baby boy. “And you’d have your same bed and toys, it would just be in a new room in a new house. And you’d go to the same playgroup and still spend time with Grammy and Grandpa and Nana and Auntie Jo and Jenny.” She really needs to stop babbling, she’s overloading him with information. She’s been thinking about doing this for so long, and now that the moment’s here she doesn’t think she’s doing a great job. “Do you want to see some photos of the house?”

“Yes.” He loosens his grip on her as she leans over the pick up the photos. “Red!” he exclaims, pointing at the brickwork. “A red house!”

“Yes, it is. Do you like that?” Nathan nods his head while she strokes his curls. “And this might be your room.” She shows him the photo of the bedroom across from the master bedroom, which Scott is insisting she take. He does have a point about her making better use out of the generous closet space. “And this is the backyard and the pool.”

He claps his hands. “Swim with Mollie and Becca!”

Her water baby would be most delighted with that part. It has definitely played a part in what made this new house perfect. “Yeah, you can do that in the summer.” She moves on to another picture. “And here’s the kitchen where we can bake and cook.”

He takes her hand in his, little fist squeezing with all his might. “You and me?”

She kisses his cheek. “You and me. And the others too if they’d like to join in.”

“I like it,” Nathan announces.

“The house?” He nods, smiling. “And you know we’d be leaving this house to go live there?”

“Yes, Mama. New house.” He searches through the pictures on her lap and then holds up the photo of the front exterior.

“That’s right.” She holds his hand. “And would you be happy to live there with me, Scott, Becca, Mollie, and the new baby?”

“And Marner?” he asks, concern crossing his face at the thought his favourite dog might be left out.

“Yes, of course Marner.” She kisses the top of his head. “Would you like living with all of them?”

“Yes,” he says simply, the ‘s’ hissing a little extra than usual. She’s not naive enough as to expect that the rest of the process will be this easy, but it’s so good to hear him say it. “You be happy, Mama?”

Her heart lurches. Happy is something she still feels she can’t really own, but she wants her kids to have a happy mom, she wants to be happy. And she thinks that maybe she can be. “Yes, baby, that would make me happy.”

—

“Everything’s already packed,” Scott remarks as he surveys Tessa’s kitchen. There are boxes marked ‘New House’, a few with ‘Donate’ neatly printed in block capitals on the side, and one with a scrawled ‘Throw Away’.

Tessa pops up from behind the island with some sort of fancy plate in hand. “It’s not everything, we’re not moving yet.” She sets it on a length of bubble wrap, perfectly centered, then folds the whole thing twice so it’s completely covered. “This is just the stuff I won’t be needing until we move. And obviously it’s already packed,” she says, that note of exasperation that’s been present in her voice over these past few days very much still there as she wraps the plate with packaging tape. “There’s a right way to store things, and not everyone seems to buy in to this system!” She shakes her head as she slides the plate into the opened box in front of her, a perfect fit. “Jordan just started throwing everything into boxes!” She starts looking around the kitchen. She’s frowning a little but she looks so damn cute all riled up about this. “You need to pack appropriate items together in a way that maximises space!” She turns her glare from the boxes to him, “And, no offence, but I didn’t know if you’d be aware of this system either.”

He holds his hands up. “Oh, no offence taken. Is this a universal system or a specific Tessa Virtue-Brady system?” he asks, teasing her a little.

Scott doesn’t miss the way she rolls her eyes, hands going to sit on her hips. “It doesn’t have to be universal for people to know how to do things the proper way! It’s the only way that makes sense!” she insists. She looks so beautiful in her ire. He wonders if he’s starting to grin at her like an idiot which is something everyone else running around the house could probably do without seeing.

He takes stock of the kitchen. He hopes she hasn’t been doing all of the packing herself. Frowning, he asks, “You have been letting Jordan and Tanith help with preparing to pack in the other rooms though? I know you’re particular about your baking stuff.”

Tessa twists her hair into a bun, holding it at the top of her head briefly. It tumbles down the minute she lets it go. “Jordan took charge of my clothes since I can pack up anything not maternity and Tanith all my makeup and skincare things. And my mom is helping with all of Nathan’s clothes and toys.” Her tone is softer now. “I haven’t been taking on too much, I promise.”

“You didn’t want me to organise your clothes for you? I’m an expert.” He sidles closer to her.

“Sarcasm isn't sexy, Scott.” Her air of imperiousness is at odds with how her body is drawing towards his. Her belly bridges the gap between them and Scott steps closer so it presses firmly against him.

“You sure about that?” he asks, finally being gifted with a relaxed smile.

Tessa reaches up to fix his hair, clucking a little under her breath like one of Nathan's mother hens. “How is this a mess already?”

“I thought you liked it messy,” he shoots back.

She leans in and he’s waiting on a kiss when she whispers in his ear, “I like it when _I_ mess it up.”

They hear movement down the hall and Tessa steps back, her cheeks pink. Scott is extra glad she did so when it’s Charlie who walks in and not Jordan or Tanith. He doesn’t think Jonathan’s best friend would have appreciated seeing the two of them about to kiss. Things have been a little weird between them ever since Charlie found out about the pregnancy. A bit cooler but not rude, not as much chatting at practice, and certainly no suggestions of meeting up outside coaching time. Scott gets it, but he can’t help feeling a little disappointed about it. He really likes the guy.

“I got the last of the things from your room into the truck,” Charlie says, laying a hand lightly on Tessa’s shoulder. “Do you want me to start on Nathan’s room now?”

“There’s nothing to be moved from his yet. All his summer clothes will be too small by next year so I’m donating them. I think I’ll leave his stuff for last, I want to unpack his things first so he was everything he needs,” there’s a little hitch in her voice, “as soon as we move in.” She rubs one hand over her stomach. “Could you help Scott out in here maybe?”

“Sure,” Charlie agrees, not looking exactly over the moon about this, but not acting like it’s any great imposition either.

“Thanks. I’ll go back up to my room.” She points upstairs, like they might not know where it is. Though he guesses maybe Charlie doesn’t know that he is aware of its location, or would prefer to think he’s not anyway.

“So, will we start with the big ones we need to carry out together?” Scott asks once Tessa has left.

“Uh, yeah. That sounds like a good idea.” Charlie gestures towards the biggest box, the one beside the breakfast counter.

They don’t talk much as they maneuver it, or any of the boxes that follow, out of the house and onto the moving truck. It’s mainly just advice to the other person, or questions about what exactly Tessa has in these boxes or why she needs this many kitchen appliances. These aren’t even her everyday or every week things.

After they’ve offloaded all the heavy boxes that need both of them, and the lighter ones they can manage by themselves, Charlie instructs him to go back into the kitchen and Scott does as he’s told. Charlie opens the fridge and produces two Molsons, handing one to Scott before opening his own. “Tessa told me she left some here for us earlier. I figure we can have one before we move on to one of the other rooms.”

They both sit down on the stools, taking long drags of beer. Just as Scott is about to break the silence by talking about how the last practice went, Charlie says, “I’m sorry.” He scuffs his shoe off the floor and Scott is about to joke that Tessa won’t like that before he remembers that it’s not really her floor to be worrying about anymore. “I know I’ve been weird lately. And it’s not your fault. It’s just…” Charlie hangs his head and Scott can see the tension rolling through his shoulders. “He was my best friend.”

Scott nods. “I know. I get that it might be hard for you.” And he certainly doesn’t want to make it any worse.

Charlie lets out something like a scoff. “That’s pretty shitty of me though, right? It’s not about me. I’ve never… yeah, in the beginning I just knew Tessa as Jonathan’s girlfriend. That’s how she was first introduced to me.” He looks to Scott. “You know what that’s like. But then she was my friend too, and soon one of my best friends.” He sips his drink. “I owe so much to Tessa. She introduced me to Tanith, she’s the reason I have a fancy car and a big house. I want her to be happy, I do.”

He’s looking at Scott with pleading eyes, and Scott feels like he has to give him some sort of encouragement. “I know you do.”

Charlie starts peeling the label off his beer. “And the thing is… You’re exactly the kind of person I would want her to be with. You’re a good guy and you’re good with Nathan and you’re… Yeah. And she likes you, obviously.” Scott wouldn’t mind some more details on the obviously, to hear it from someone else looking on. “Jonathan would have wanted her to find someone else, someone like that. Just… I don’t know if he’d have expected it to be so serious so….”

“Soon?” Scott offers.

“Yeah. So soon.” The label is halfway off now, Charlie methodically removing it with his thumb.

“We didn’t expect that either. At all. It’s not…” He can’t really go into details, it wouldn’t be fair to Tessa and he doesn’t think Charlie really wants to hear that it was all about sex at the start. “This is just the way things worked out, I guess.”

Charlie is working off the last remaining strip of label. “Are you excited?”

“About the baby?” Scott asks.

“Yeah. And the move.” Charlie shrugs. “All of it, I suppose.”

“Excited and scared.” His hand is wet from condensation and he rubs it against his jeans. “I want to do the best I can for all of them.”

“I hope it all works out. I really do,” Charlie says, a little gruff but sincere. He holds his beer bottle out towards Scott and they clink them together.

“Nice to see the two of you relaxing when we’re working upstairs!” Scott turns to see Tanith standing in the entrance to the kitchen, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Tessa told me the beers were for us,” Charlie says, like this gives them permission.

Tanith is tapping her foot and it’s a little unnerving. “And she expected you to take long breaks to shoot the breeze and drink them?”

“It’s not been a long break,” Scott blurts out, “and we carried all the kitchen boxes out to the truck.”

“Do you want a gold star?” Tanith would be a gold star giving mom but somehow Scott doesn’t think she means it right now.

“It’s not like we’re the only one taking breaks, you’re down here,” Charlie snarks.

Taniths sniffs. “I opened the cupboard where Tessa is keeping all the gifts she’s bought for Christmas and she shooed me away.” Fuck, Scott needs to really get serious about deciding what to get her. He already has ideas for the girls and Nathan but he hasn’t even begun to narrow down what to get for Tessa.

“That’s not the only break though. I heard you talking about trying some of Tessa’s clothes on.” Charlie is being pretty reckless in Scott’s opinion, he wouldn’t push Tanith right now.

But maybe he was right. “I… I was trying to persuade her to keep some things she was considering donating! I was being a good friend!” She turns on her heels. “Get back to work soon.”

After she’s safely further down the hall Scott whispers, “When did you hear her talking about that?”

“Oh, I didn’t. I just know my wife.” Scott laughs, low in case Tanith is still nearby. He feels at ease when Charlie gives him a grin. They clink bottles again.

“Scott!” Tanith shouts. “Tessa wants you!”

He resolutely does not think about all the ways Tessa has wanted him and gives Charlie an apologetic smile before heading upstairs.

She’s waiting for him on the landing halfway up the stairs. “Scott!” He can tell she’s excited both from her voice and the way she’s waving him up so he takes the stairs two at a time. She grabs his hands once he reaches her and places them near her belly button. “She’s been kicking so hard. I think you might be able to feel her!”

“Really?” Tessa’s eyes are so happy and soft as she smiles back at him, putting her hands over his own.

“Yeah.” She strokes the back of his hand with her pinky, looking down at her stomach. “Have you gone shy, baby? Daddy is here now, he wants to feel you too.”

His heart goes to his throat hearing Tessa talk about him like that, and in such an easy tone too, like these are words she uses all the time when she’s talking to their daughter. He leans in close. He doesn’t care at all about anyone else who is in the house right now, the world narrowing down to his fingertips. “Hi sweetie, Mama and I love you very much.”

Tessa leans her forehead against his, a reassurance or a blessing. And it’s then that he feels their baby move, a short, surprisingly sharp jab to his palm. He knows that she’s been moving and growing well, but it’s something different to feel it, to connect with both her and Tessa like this. They can experience so much more of this when they’re living together and the baby moves around more and more. Tessa presses their hands against her belly harder. “I knew she wanted to say hello,” Tessa says, her tears making her words tremble.

“I’m so happy that you did.” He rubs Tessa’s stomach, getting rewarded with another little kick. “Maybe sometime soon you can say hi to your sisters and brother too, I know they’d like that.”

They stand together quietly for a little while until Tessa leans her head to kiss him first on the cheek and then on the lips. “I think she’s gone back to sleep now.”

He encloses her in his arms, their baby safe and secure between them. “That never gets old, does it?” he asks. He remembers so clearly the first times he’d felt Becca and Mollie move, both times late at night with Sarah shaking him awake so he could feel them. They’d had a fight before he’d gone to sleep the night he first felt Becca kick, but he couldn’t remember what it was about after that amazing moment when everything felt absolutely right.

“No, it doesn’t,” Tessa answers. “It’s the best feeling in the world.”

He just nods, not able to add anything to what she’s saying. It’s beyond him, beyond either of them really,  the wonder of it all. They’ve made this tiny little human who Tessa is carrying, who will grow up to have her own personality and opinions and hopes and dreams. Who they get to take care of and watch grow up. “This is really happening,” he whispers.

“It really is.” She’s laughing as she holds on tighter and he hopes that their little girl feels just as happy as they do right now.

—

“So, what do you think?” Tessa jangles the keys of the house, twisting them with her fingers, waiting for Frank to answer. He’d seemed to like the place on their little tour, vocalizing amazement about the things that she herself had fallen in love with as well and pointing out things he thought deserved a little more TLC before everything was moved in, but she wants his full, honest opinion.

She needs the Bradys to feel okay with where their grandson is living even if they may not be totally thrilled with who he’ll be sharing a home with just yet. That’s why she’d invited them to call after their afternoon with Nathan. She’s not surprised Marian didn’t come along, but Frank said she looked at the photos and said it was a very nice house. They’ve been talking a bit more frequently now, her and Marian, though still not seeing each other much. It’s a start and that’s the most important thing.

Tessa’s more nervous for Frank’s reaction than she had been for either her mom’s or Jordan’s. She’s reminding herself that they both loved the house, her mom seeming a lot more comfortable with the idea now that she was bit more familiar with Scott. Surely there’s no way Frank could dislike it. The two of them have always been on the same page when it’s come to buildings as it is.

Frank wraps an arm around her shoulders, hand squeezing as he looks around the living room once more. “It’s lovely, Tess. Nice neighbourhood, good size, won’t need much changing.” He smiles at her, soft and a little sad. “It reminds me of that house you really liked in our neighbourhood, the big one just around the corner from us?”

She’d forgotten about how she’d tried to persuade Jonathan towards that one rather than a new build when they’d been searching. He’d said that he loved his parents, but he didn’t want to just be one street away from them. It hadn’t felt like a loss too much then, but Tessa thinks that the past year may have been somewhat easier if they’d gone with the house that felt more homey. “They’re similar, yeah. More space in this one I think.”

“And the pool out back is different,” Frank notes. “That will be fun for the summer, eh Nathan?”

Nathan nods, not pausing in his running around the empty living room with his little plastic pig. He’d overheard Ashley saying that she’d try something Jordan had baked when pigs started to fly and he’s been proving that this feat isn’t impossible ever since. It’s his second time in the house, she’d taken him around two days ago, when she first got the keys. Nathan seems to really like the house but she’s just not convinced that he truly grasps that they’ll be living here full-time.

She leans into Frank a little more, grateful when the older man accepts her weight. “We’ll be a little closer to you, living here.” The house really is perfectly situated, close to the Bradys but also to the girls’ school. Even her mom isn’t too far out of the way and it’s not much further out from Ilderton than Scott is already.

“Yes. The hospice that Marian volunteers at is only about five minutes away.” He nods. When Tessa looks up at him, she can practically see Frank imagining it, his eyes gone wistful the same way it had when she and Jonathan were house-hunting so many years ago. “She could come by for Nathan before or after her shifts.”

It’s a lovely thought but Tessa’s not so sure how likely that is, at least not for a while. However, she’s not one to rain on his parade. “That would be nice,” she sighs, head coming to rest on his shoulder.  

Nathan runs up to the window, pressing his hands against the glass. She bristles at all the little handprints that will be left in his wake. They’d better be buying the house now, she thinks darkly. “Scott is here!” he yells, waving his hands up in high, wide arcs.

She hadn’t been expecting him to come around today. He had shown the girls the house yesterday, his mom and dad too. “Oh, I’ll go meet him at the door,” she says, pulling out of Frank’s embrace. Out of everyone who could meet Scott spontaneously, Frank is probably one of the safest bets. Yes, he is Jonathan’s father, but she’s never met a more kind or diplomatic man than Frank. Still, Scott deserves a heads up and Frank deserves to prepare himself. She doesn’t want either of them to go in blind if she can help it, doesn’t want that for either of them.

It had been playing around over and over in her mind that she should arrange for them to meet before she and Nathan moved in with Scott and the girls. Frank and Marian should have a chance to get to know the man who would be living with their grandson. But she just didn’t know how to broach the topic, or if meeting would even help matters.

“No, Mama, I do it!” Nathan rushes out with a grin on his face. It’s too late to call him back, and maybe it’s better that he greet Scott out of Frank’s sight. Lately he’s hugged him every time they see each other, and that might be too much for his grandpa.

She hopes Frank doesn’t think she planned this. “I, uh, I didn’t know he’d be here at this time. I, um, I did…”

Frank squeezes her elbow. “Don’t worry about it, Tess. Now is a good time.”

It’s actually hard not to smile when she hears how warm Scott’s voice is when he says hi to Nathan and asks him how his day has been. It’s almost a little preview of what things might be like when they’re all living together here. She forgets about the awkwardness to come until she hears Nathan say, “Up please!” and the rustling when Scott grants his request. She’s not sure her son has asked to be lifted by anyone outside family or Tanith and Charlie before.

Her baby girl somersaults and Tessa lays a hand on her belly, rubbing small circles, though she’s not sure if it’s to calm her awake baby or herself.

“Where’s your mama?”

“I’m in here with…” she calls, the words dying in her throat as Scott comes in with Nathan perched on his hip. They look so comfortable together, like… She won’t think about that, it wouldn’t be right, not in this moment.

She can tell that Scott recognises Frank immediately from how his eyes widen and how he asks Nathan if he’d like to be put down. But Nathan just holds on tighter, shaking his head, and it only makes her affection for Scott grow that he doesn’t try to persuade him otherwise, just is there for her son the way he wants him to be. He smiles at Nathan, as kind as always, and continues his way over to her and Frank.

Scott is nervous, she can feel it, but his voice is calm and steady when he sticks out his hand for Frank to shake and says, “I’m Scott. I’ve heard wonderful things about you and your wife from Tessa and Nathan.”

Frank takes a firm grip of his hand and shakes. “Frank. It’s good to meet you.” She knows that Frank means it too, even if he stumbles over his thought. “I… Tessa speaks so highly of you.” Scott’s eyes shift to hers for just a second and she smiles, trying to put him at ease even if she doesn’t feel that way herself.

“That’s my grandpa!” Nathan announces. He holds both hands out to Frank like he’s trying to show off the old man. Tessa’s heart sings at the action. “This is my friend Scott.” Nathan pats Scott’s shoulders then, smiling wider when Scott’s cheeks start to color.

All the adults chuckle a little, and it defuses the slight tension in the room. Or maybe the tension was just in Tessa’s head.

“Tessa, tell me you’re planning on moving in before Christmas,” Frank says.

She laughs. Frank knows how hard she can go for Christmas when she’s up to it. Only last year was dressed down, unable to find any strength to do more than set up the tree and hang a wreath on the front door. “Yeah, we thought it would be good to have everyone settled before then.”

She dims, shoulders slumping once the sentence is out of her mouth. She’s known this was the plan but it’s hitting her just now that she’s already spent her last Christmas in her house with Jonathan. _New memories to make_ , she reminds herself. New memories that will make the bad ones sting less and will slot nicely with the happy times she did get to experience with her two boys. “It’ll be nice to do Christmas right this year,” she says softly.

“Christmas was hard last year.” Frank takes a deep breath through his nose as he looks down at the floor for a moment, fingers smoothing down his moustache. He catches Scott’s eye when he looks back up. “For your family too, I’m sure,” Franks says sympathetically.

Scott nods. “Quietest Christmas morning I’ve had since the girls came along.” Tessa doesn’t remember much of Christmas Day last year, just how she’d tried to keep it together for Nathan. She’s not terribly sure she succeeded.

Frank clears his throat after a nod. “You have two, right? Eight and five?” She’s impressed that Frank remembers and she can see that Scott is too.

“Yeah, Becca and Mollie.” He lights up at the mention of his girls. “They’re big fans of Nathan here.”

“They’re so good with him,” Tessa interjects. Sweeter than she ever could have imagined. “Aren’t they very kind, honey?” Nathan nods, immediately asking for the girls then, looking put out when Scott tells him they’re at school.

“It’ll be good for Nathan to have the girls around to show him the ropes on how to be a good big brother,” Frank says, making Tessa’s heart clench and her eyes start to fill. Frank starts asking Scott about the renovations he has planned (he’d seemed very impressed when she’d mentioned earlier that Scott would be handling all that himself). After they’ve discussed counters and shelves and the benefits of keeping a fireplace but not both, Frank clears his throat and says he should be getting home. It doesn’t seem like a brush off in the least, just a natural end to the first meeting of what Tessa hopes will be many. He and Scott shakes hands again, more warmly this time she thinks.

“I’ll walk you out to the car,” she tells Frank as they both start towards the door. “Do you want to come too, Nathan?”

Her son shakes his head, still happy in Scott’s arms. “Cold outside.”

Frank laughs. “Sensible boy.” He takes a step back so that he can tickle Nathan’s neck, until the boy laughs and leans over to give his grandpa a kiss. “You sure you don’t want to stay in, Tess?”

She shakes her head. “No. I’ll be nice and warm, thanks.” She holds up her parka with a smile and slips it on. “You’re okay to stay here with Scott, Nathan?”

Nathan turns to the man in question. “Play farm animals?” Nathan asks hopefully.

“Sure, who will I be?” Scott agrees, easy as anything. Nathan wiggles excitedly down to the ground, already taking off towards the toys he’s left at the foot of the fireplace.

She smiles at them both before following Frank out.

“I like him,” Frank says quietly as they walk down the steps from the porch. She’s not sure she expected Frank to tell her so plainly even though that’s exactly the type of man he is, and her breath catches in her throat. “I… I think I worried that I’d let… the circumstances maybe, overshadow things.” He seems regretful in his admission and Tessa aches to absolve him from it. She wouldn’t have blamed Frank, or anyone for that matter, for not taking to Scott easy.

Even if she doesn’t understand how anyone _couldn’t_ like Scott.

Frank nods his head, kind eyes turning to Tessa. “But I liked him.”

Tessa breathes easier even as the biting winter air invades her lungs. “I’m sorry,” she starts, staying in her spot at the bottom of the steps as Frank keeps going towards the driveway where he’s parked, “if it was hard for you to see Nathan with him like that.” She can’t imagine what that must be like. As cowardly as it is, Tessa is thankful that Sarah’s parents aren’t around to see her interact with the girls. She thinks she’d feel under such pressure to get it right, like walking a tightrope between caring for them enough and looking like she was trying to replace their mom.

Frank turns around to face her, shaking his head. “It was a little hard, I won’t lie to you, Tess, but… it helped. I knew he must be good with Nathan when you were moving in together, but it was good to see that in person, how comfortable he is with him.”

“I don’t…” She rubs at her eyes. “I never want anyone to replace Jonathan.” It’s such an overwhelming fear that Tessa can barely stop to acknowledge, terrified that she’ll be immobilized by it. “But I don’t want to stop Nathan from being close to someone who cares about him.” She hopes she’s able to balance those wants as well as Jonathan and Nathan deserve.

Her father-in-law retraces his steps to stand in front of her. “C’mere.” Frank pulls her into one of his big hugs, his moustache tickling her forehead. “There's no replacing Jonathan for any of us. But there's nothing wrong with you and Nathan letting Scott into your lives,” he says softly into her hair, his hands strong and steadying at her back. “You're family now, the two of you, him and his girls, and your little baby.” He gives her a little nod when he pulls back, tiny smile stretching his lips. “And there's nothing wrong with that.”

There aren't any words that seem enough right now. “Thank you.” She feels lighter than she has in a long while.

He pats her arms. “You head back in now, it’s cold. I'll talk to you soon.”

Tessa goes back to the front door, waving at Frank as he drives away. She lingers a little at the living room door, watching Scott and Nathan both on their hands and knees on the carpeted floor, Scott making an impressive ‘moo’ sound. Her heart feels so full that it hurts. How could she have been so lucky as to find someone this caring and kind? Again.

“Mama! Come play with us! You're the best cow!” Nathan beckons her over while Scott laughs. He frowns a little when she starts to lower herself down to join them on the floor, but offers his hand to help her without complaint or warning. If Nathan weren’t here, she’d kiss him.

“I'm good,” she promises, and that's even more the case when she feels her daughter dancing again. “Nathan, I think you might be able to feel the baby move. Would you like that?” He looks a bit quizzical but lets her take his hand and place it where his baby sister is. She takes Scott's hand too and lays them side by side.

Scott closes his eyes for a second, like he's drinking this in, and then says, “Can you feel h- the baby kicking, Nathan?”

Nathan looks between them like they’ve lost their marbles. Maybe it’s too faint for him to pick up with his hand just laying on her stomach. She presses his hand firm against her belly, her skin yielding to his touch. The next kick comes, right below his tiny hand and her son jolts a little, his mouth hanging open. She can feel him trying to pull his hand away and, not wanting to force him to continue the moment, Tessa lets him pull his hand close to his chest. “But kicking is bad!” he exclaims, so serious that his eyebrows furrow together.

Tessa bites her lip to stop herself from laughing and she can see Scott do the same. “The baby is too small to understand that, honey, and it doesn't hurt. Baby is just moving around in there, they don't have as much space as you do for that.”

He doesn’t look entirely convinced but nods anyway. “Okay.” Nathan strokes her belly. “Nice touch,” he says, squinting at her bump a little. The first warning, or maybe just the first lesson, her baby boy will give her baby girl.

Tessa wraps her arms around him. “You're going to be the best big brother. I love you so much.” Her sweet, kind, loving little boy.

“You are,” Scott agrees, running his hand over Nathan’s curls. Nathan sends a smile in his direction, loving the attention he’s getting from both of them. “You're doing such a great job already.”

She puts an arm around Scott too, holding them both as close as she can.

—

“Okay,” Scott says, kneeling down to help Mollie with the zip on her coat that keeps catching. “We have the sleeping bags, pjs, clothes for tomorrow, toothbrushes and toothpaste, what else…”

“Snacks!” Mollie jiggles the bag of candy she’s holding.

After finally getting the reluctant zip to zip, Scott ruffles her hair and stands up. “Snacks are a sleepover essential,” he agrees sagely. It’s going to be their first night staying in the new house, and they’re all going to camp out in the living room, the three of them and Tessa and Nathan. “Am I forgetting anything, Becca?”

His eldest hasn’t seemed very excited about their plans for tonight, but she’s made no complaints and he knows that she was taken with the house on the times they’ve visited, especially the room at the back that overlooks the pool. He and Tessa are hoping that the kids can choose their rooms tonight, and then they’ll tell them the news that they’re having a baby sister.

Becca’s hat, technically Tessa’s but he’s not going to point that out to her just yet, falls into her eyes and she pushes it up as she looks around the hallway. “Marner!” The dog in question perks up from where he’s been laying under the coffee table. There’s a small thump when his head hits the wood followed by a short growl, even though Marner did it to himself. “We need to bring Marner!”

The (current) littlest Moir shakes her head. “How could you forget Marner?” Mollie sounds horrified. He doesn’t bring up the fact that she hadn’t seemed to remember that they were bringing him either.

“Just so many things to think about, Mol.” The dog trots over to Becca for pets. “I didn’t forget him, not really.” Marner jumps up on Scott next, as if to remind him that he’s very hard to forget. He rubs his head. “I’m sorry, buddy. Of course you’re coming too. Have to get you introduced to your new home, right?”

He runs through the rest of his to-do list in his head as they make their way out the door and into the minivan. He’s already gone to the new house to make sure the heat is on so it will be nice and warm for when they all get there. He’d left the air mattress for Tessa in the living room then too, even though she insisted that she’d be fine in a sleeping bag. There is no way he’s letting her sleep on the floor. “Have you got your book, Becca?” He knows tonight will be different for all of them and he wants her to have some normalcy.

She lifts it up and shows him. It’s one she’s read before, the corners of the paperback curling and the spine creased and fading. He’s sure there are more in her overnight bag but he likes that she’s brought something so familiar and loved too. “Of course I do, Daddy!”

He finishes helping Mollie buckle up her carseat. “And I have mine too,” Mollie says. She kicks the backpack at her feet for good measure.

“That’s great. I know Tessa and Nathan were picking some out earlier.” Nathan had listed out some titles when they were on the phone earlier. Tessa somehow seemed more relaxed than he did about the sleepover, telling him that it was a trial run and just a chance to get familiar with the house. Scott had kept his mouth shut about his fear that this trial run might go all wrong. What if they’re all only good in small doses? What if Marner walks in and instantly pees on everything? What if Tessa decides she’s made a huge mistake?

He climbs into the front seat, burying his fears as he clears his throat “Are we all ready to go?” The girls both nod and Marner barks from between them, causing the pair to giggle. “Does anyone have some music requests?”

“Shania!” Mollie calls out, Becca nodding eagerly in agreement.

The CD is already in the car and he says, “Let’s go girls,” before he hits play and Shania sings it herself, leaving both his daughters in fits of laughter like it was the first time he’d done that.

It doesn’t take too many songs for them to arrive at the house, something Becca comments on. “The new house is closer to ours than I thought.”

He nods. “Yeah, we’re not moving too far away. It will be a shorter journey to school in the morning.” He notices that Tessa’s car is already parked and that there are lights on in the hall and living room. He pulls in easily next to her in the driveway, giving the girls the go ahead to unbuckle once he turns off the van.

He opens up the back of the car and Mollie’s head immediately sticks out of the trunk, backpack already on her shoulders and little hands wrapped around the bag of snacks. He has no idea how she manages to move so fast. “Can we sleep in more?” Mollie asks.

Scott laughs, leaning over her to get the sleeping bags and his own rucksack. “Not that much shorter, Mollie.”

Marner takes off for the bushes when Becca opens up her door. He’s sniffing like crazy and, of course, peeing on everything. Scott supposes he can’t fault him though. It’s his own way of making this place his.

Becca comes around and waits for them to get their things before leaning in to pick up her own bag. “Will Nathan be going to our school too?”

It’s not something he and Tessa have discussed. He knows that there are private schools in the area, but Nathan is attending a community playgroup. His grandparents might want him to attend Catholic school either. “I don’t know if Tessa has made a decision on that yet.” It would be convenient if all the kids went to the same school, and nice for Nathan to have the girls there to look out for him, but this really isn’t a choice he has a say in.

“Can we go in now?” Mollie shivers a little because she hasn’t bothered to put her hat on. Scott can hear her tiny teeth chattering.

“Of course.” Scott shuts the trunk. “You head on up to the door.”

Mollie races off, Marner excitedly trotting next to her, while Becca sticks by his side. He manages to put an arm around her, even with all the luggage he’s carting, and she rests her head against him for a second before they walk over to the front door together.

Tessa and Nathan are waiting for them, door wide open. Nathan rushes in to give hugs to Mollie and Becca before they even get their coats off. “Sleepover!” he says, eyes bright and excited. He hugs Scott next, lingering in his arms like he’s been doing lately. Scott is a little worried that this deepening attachment might upset Tessa, but she’s never reacted negatively, not even when he’d met her father-in-law with Nathan in his arms.

Mollie is hugging Tessa, patting the bump as she does so, and his heart lifts when he sees Becca give Tessa a wave. It’s something, and he can see that it means a lot to Tessa. He just smiles at her, not sure what sign of affection is appropriate in this moment. She looks beautiful, relaxed in a white sweater and leggings, her bump like a beacon, and it’s so easy to picture coming home to her like this for the rest of the pregnancy.

“Nathan and I set up a little picnic in the kitchen,” she says. “I thought we could have a tea party before we go upstairs to choose the rooms.”

“I can show!” Nathan squares his shoulders and puffs out his chest, taking each of the girls by hand and leading them towards the kitchen, Marner following right behind.

Tessa steps closer, right into his space. She kisses him on the cheek and, while that should be a perfectly chaste location, there’s something about the way she drags her lips against his skin that makes it anything but. “Welcome home,” she whispers, right at his ear, her breath vibrating against him, and it sounds like a dream, something far beyond a hope or a wish. “You look good here.” She straightens his flannel shirt, fingers tracing the red checked pattern.

“So do you,” he replies, his voice as husky as hers is right now. A smile passes between them, from her lips to his even though they haven’t touched, one that acknowledges that right now isn’t about them, it’s about getting their kids settled here and settled with one another. They’re already great friends, but they’re both aware that living all together will be a different scenario.

Tessa tugs his hand and squeezes before she lets go when they enter the kitchen. She’s laid out a rug on the floor, with cushions on top for everyone to sit on. The kids are already tucking in, drinking juice out of the fanciest plastic tea cups he’s ever seen and eating cute little crustless triangle sandwiches. There’s a plate of cookies too, and he’s pretty impressed that these are as yet untouched. He’d bet money that Becca has something to do with that.

As if on cue, his eldest speaks up, “Nathan said we should start.”

“That’s right,” Tessa says, settling down onto the rug with a grace that probably shouldn’t surprise him. “We need to have some snacks before you guys choose your rooms.” She offers the plate of sandwiches to him and then a teacup of juice, the picture perfect hostess. She asks the girls about their week at school, listening attentively and asking questions, and then encourages Nathan to tell them about what he’d done at playgroup, helping him out when he gets stuck trying to say ‘scissors’.

Tessa passes the plate of cookies around, encouraging all the kids to take one and slapping at Scott’s hand when she tries to take two. She sends the kids a playful glare. “Silly, Scott,” she teases, earning a chorus of laughs from the kids. Hearing the girls laugh together has always been one of the loveliest sounds to him but to have Nathan chime in too makes it feel even richer. He doesn’t imagine this will be easy, but if their giggles are to go on the soundtrack of his life they’ll play brighter than all the hard stuff, a stronger, sweeter melody. “Now that we all have our cookies, let’s go pick our rooms!”

He’s genuinely shocked that Tessa lets them all take their cookies upstairs. He expected her to worry about crumbs and he supposes she could be, except the worry doesn’t outweigh the fact that the goodies may need to be used as a balm in the event that the kids fall in love with the same room.

Scott puts his hand out to help Tessa stand only to find that Becca is already up and doing the same. She sounds so reverent as she thanks Becca, voice happy and light for all the kids, an undercurrent of wateriness that Scott thinks only he can hear. “Who can race me upstairs?” Scott asks with a clap of his hands once they’re all on their feet. He wants to give Tessa a moment if she needs one. He knows he made the right decision when she sends a smile his direction.

There’s a stampede of feet, the girls darting out of the room fast and Nathan impressively keeping up with them, hot on their heels. He’s shocked that Marner doesn’t follow them and it’s only when Scott is already to the doorway that he discovers why. Tessa is feeding him one of the snickerdoodles. Her voice barely carries to him when she whispers, “Our secret.” Marner licks at her hand and then Tessa is laughing and running her hand between his ears. “Good boy.”

“Daddy, you’re so slow,” Mollie taunts from the top of the stairs. He doesn’t know where Becca or Nathan are, not that it surprises him. Of all the kids, Mollie is hands down the most competitive. She would want to gloat first, pick a room second.

Scott makes an exaggeratedly pained noise. “I’m getting old, Mol.”

He acts as though each step up is a struggle and is rewarded with Mollie laughing, “Daddy, you’re already old.”

“Could an old man do this?” She shrieks when he reaches out and tosses her over his shoulder. Her feet kick wildly, tiny hands trying to tickle his back in an effort to get put down. He keeps her there until he finds the other two kids exactly where he thought they’d be, in the room overlooking the pool. “Has a claim been made?”

Nathan turns around, still on his tiptoes from trying to see out the window. “Becca’s room!”

“Can I have this one, Daddy?” He’s ready to give it to her but she seems to think he needs convincing. “Just imagine it! My bed could go here,” she says as she walks to the opposite wall. “And my bookshelf here and my dresser over there!” She goes back to the window, smiling down at Nathan who reaches out for her hand. “And a desk right here!”

“I think that sounds perfect.” He turns to see Tessa leaning in the doorframe with an encouraging smile, Marner zipping in and out of the other rooms behind her.

He nods, looking back at Becca. “I think this is your room, Becs.”

Nathan cheers while Mollie starts tapping Scott’s back. “I need to go pick now.”

Naturally, Mollie goes to the master and declares it hers. “Nope,” he says, quick as a flash. Tessa frowns from the corner of her eye. He trusts that Tessa wouldn’t give in and let Mollie have the room, but he knows it’s best to get in front of this right from the start. “Since Tessa is having the baby soon, she needs to have all this space.”

Mollie pouts and fires back, “Babies are small.”

His lovely Becca doesn’t help matters. “I thought the baby was getting their own room.”

“That’s very true, girls,” Tessa says. “But babies have _so_ much stuff they need! They can’t do anything on their own at first, right?” Becca nods knowingly, Mollie begrudgingly, and Nathan just to join in. “So I have to keep the baby close to me. They won’t be big enough for their own room until they start sleeping through the night and that might take a few months.” She reaches out to fix Mollie’s pigtail closest to her. “I think it’s only fair then that I keep this one, don’t you think?”

“Could we have sleepovers in here sometimes?” Mollie asks. It’s only once Tessa says that nothing would make her happier that Mollie nods. “Yes, your room then, Tessa.”

Nathan goes to look for Marner, pressing a kiss to Tessa’s leg on his way out the door. Mollie follows him only to get distracted by another room. He decides to wait in the hall with Becca while Tessa walks into the room Nathan’s found Marner in. “This one,” Scott can hear him say. He doesn’t doubt that the deciding factor for the three year old was the fact that the dog was in the room. Scott’s just glad Nathan naturally picked the room next to Tessa’s.

Mollie can’t make a decision, darting between the remaining three rooms, so Scott narrows it down. He steps into the doorway of the room he’s scoped out since they viewed the house. “This one is mine.” It’s nicely situated compared to all the other rooms, not that they’re very far from one another as it is. He wants to be able to wake up and survey that his family is safe.

His youngest is still flip-flopping until Nathan walks into the room next to his. “Be by me?”

And just like that, it’s settled.

After the rooms have been chosen and everyone is in their pyjamas (Tessa’s have flamingos and look ridiculously cute stretched over her bump) with their teeth brushed and their faces washed, they cosy up on the cushions he’s brought in from the kitchen before they get into their sleeping bags.

“So,” Tessa begins, looking at him to make sure it’s okay she gives the kids the news now, “we have something to tell you about the baby. When we were at the clinic…” Tessa pauses when she sees Mollie stiffen. He thinks he might need to call her therapist and discuss how fearful she still is when medical matters are mentioned. “We went to the clinic and met a very nice person who was kind and patient and explained where the baby was and how big they are.” He sends Tessa a smile, grateful for how she’s giving more details and showing Mollie that the experience wasn’t a scary one. “And they also told us that the baby is a... “ She raises her eyebrows, and he takes this as her sign to join in, “girl.”

Seeing the excitement on the kids’ faces is almost as special as finding out the news for himself, in some ways even more so perhaps. Becca’s smile and the little quiver to her shoulders, like she’s trying to hold in the burst of emotion, gives him such joy and relief. Aside from her misgivings about the pregnancy, he’d wondered if maybe she would have liked a baby brother this time around. But she seems genuinely delighted, grinning at both him and Tessa, and then at Mollie and Nathan.

Becca takes Nathan’s hand. “That means we’re going to have a baby sister! You’re going to be a big brother and help us take care of her.” Scott can’t look at Tessa right now because he knows that she’s tearing up and he doesn’t want to start doing the same, so he just reaches over and rubs soothing circles on her back.

Mollie takes his other hand. “You’ll have a baby sister, and I’ll have a baby sister, just like Becca has me! And Becca will have another one! And you’re sort of like a little brother but not really, right?”

He and Tessa look at each other. “Yes,” Tessa says, “Nathan is like a little brother, and you and Becca are like his older sisters. You’ll all be helping each other out once we’re living together.”

Mollie nods sagely. “And maybe the next one can be a boy too.”

It’s hard to see because his eyes close with the volume of his coughing, but he thinks Tessa’s eyes go wider than he’s ever seen a human’s go, Becca’s not far behind her on that scale. After he finishes clearing his throat all he manages to say is, “We, uh…”

“We’ll just focus on this baby right now.” Tessa passes her palm over her stomach, an amused sort of smile replacing the look of terror. He knows she’s just putting it like that so as not to make Mollie feel silly for talking about the possibility of another one, but… He stupidly can’t help feel some sort of tug towards the idea. It’s ridiculous, but it’s there all the same. There’s just something so appealing about a fantasy of getting to share this with Tessa, but without the shock and fear at the beginning. Insane though.

“The baby kicks!” Nathan says, like it’s a cool feature on one of his toys. He places a hand beside Tessa’s.

“She’s not moving right now,” Tessa explains, “but I’ll let you know if she does and then you can feel her and say hi.”

“Can she hear us?” Becca asks.

“Yeah,” Scott says, “she should be able to hear now.” He’s been trying to talk to her more and more, and he knows Tessa has been too. He wants his baby girl to know all their voices, to know that so many people love her already.

Becca scoots a little closer towards Tessa. “Hi baby, I’m your biggest sister. My name is Rebecca, but everyone calls me Becca.” The smile she shares with Tessa then is one of the loveliest things Scott has ever seen.

“And I’m Mollie!” His second girl edges in closer too, not afraid to make herself heard. “Do you want to tell the baby your name, Nate?”

After a kiss from his mama Nathan joins in too, “My name is Nathan.”

“Good job,” Scott praises. “You all did a great job. I know she will be really excited to get to know you all.” She’s a lucky kid, this unexpected gift they’ve been given.

“Thank you,” Tessa adds. “She liked that a lot. How about we have some reading time now before bed?”

Mollie frowns. “She’s still not moving after we said hi?”

“She has a lot of growing to do, Mol.” He reaches out his arms and Mollie joins him. “You know the way you need sleep to grow? Well, the baby grows from something tinier than we can even see to something this big,” he approximates the size of a newborn with his hands, “in just forty weeks! So they need a lot of rest for all that growing.”

She moves her head from side to side, considering this, before nodding very firmly once. “Okay.”

“Would you like to read to me?” he asks. Tessa has already got out Nathan’s story, and the little boy has curved into her side, one arm slung over her stomach to keep himself in place. Becca is sitting cross-legged on top of her sleeping bag, her book already open.

“No thanks, Daddy. I’ll go listen to Nathan’s book.” She stands up and walks over to Tessa, settling herself in beside her. Tessa glances up at him before she puts her arm around Mollie, his little girl wearing this soft smile, like she has a secret that’s just hers.

He listens to Tessa read from the read-aloud adaptation of the new _Paddington Bear_ movie, one that both his girls, and he too, had loved while he gets to work in setting up the air mattress. Nathan is screwing up his face and saying that marmalade is yucky when Tessa sits up straighter, closing the book abruptly.

“She’s moving now,” she says, taking one each of Mollie and Nathan’s hands and putting them over the right place. “Would you like to…”

Scott presumes she was asking Becca if she’d like to come closer and see if she can feel, but Becca is already right beside them, her hand right there on Tessa’s bump.

He's lucky enough to be sitting at an angle where he can see all the kids’ faces, can watch the wonder that appears there when they feel their sister move. Mollie and Nathan both seem a little confused, but the happiness on Becca’s face is blinding.

“That's amazing,” she says. “Maybe she’ll be a dancer like us.”

Tessa puts her hand beside Becca’s, her voice cracking, “Maybe she will.”

Mollie rubs Tessa's belly. “Does the kicking hurt?” She sounds so concerned.

“No, honey. It might be a bit sore when she gets bigger, but right now it's fine,” Tessa assures her.

“Baby is small,” Nathan says confidently, happy to be able to help with the explanation. “Not big like us.”

Mollie starts stroking Tessa’s stomach the best she can with two other little hands right by her own. “Can we give her a hug?” Mollie asks, staring down at the bump.

“Sure,” Tessa says. “I think she will love that.”

Mollie and Nathan both hug around Tessa's stomach, but Becca reaches higher to put her arms around Tessa's neck, nestling her face against hers. It’s the most affection Becca has ever shown Tessa and he finds his eyes welling up with the realization that this will be okay. He steadies himself with a quiet breath, not wanting to disturb the peace they’ve fallen into, and when looks over Tessa's eyes are shut, but the smile on her face is beatific.

It's beautiful, this scene in front of him. Tessa and their baby surrounded by their kids, surrounded by love. And that's the overwhelming emotion he feels - for Becca, for Mollie, for Nathan, for the baby.

For Tessa.

He's in love with Tessa.

It's not a shock, this realisation. It's more like acceptance. Like he's gone through anger, or more accurately irritation, at her, to denial of what he felt, to bargaining that it wasn't that serious, to the sadness about whether this was the right thing, to now. Acceptance. He loves Tessa. It’s stronger than anything he’s ever felt before and maybe that should be scary, but it’s not. It just feels wonderful, makes him feel something close to whole. And she might not feel that way about him, and maybe she never will, but he can accept that too. She had a great, caring husband before Scott ever came along and he doesn’t want to make her feel like she’s betraying Jonathan, he’s content to take what she’s able to give. He gets to be here, with her and their family, and that's more than he could ever have asked for.

He moves closer and puts his arms around these people he loves with all his heart and basks in the joy of it all.


	7. when the earth is trembling on some new beginnin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so, so sorry for the longer wait. iwantthemtostay got a new job, moved countries, and left her mind somewhere in between. only_because3 was an absolute superstar and should be worshipped (she feels uncomfortable with the worship because she thinks iwantthemtostay is amazing). At least this chapter is the longest one yet?
> 
> Thanks to our incredible betas for their patience and kindness. We love you <3

**_December 2018_ **

The first thing Tessa notices in Nathan’s room is that his big boy bed has already been assembled. It’s the largest structure in the room and the most eye-catching from the hallway. But then she walks in and looks around and, ignoring Scott who is slicing open every box of Nathan’s, Tessa sees something altogether more special.

On the wall across the room from his bed hangs a large, beautifully framed photograph of Nathan, Jonathan, and her at what she thinks was just an ordinary Sunday dinner at the Bradys’ a few weeks before Jonathan passed away. Nathan is grinning the way he does when he’s said something funny, and she and Jonathan are laughing. It’s become one of her absolute favourites. 

She walks over to touch it, running her fingers over the image and then the stained wooden frame. It’s clearly Scott’s work. She tries to speak but a sob rises through her. “You put this together.”

He rises from where he’s been bent over opening boxes, putting his hands in his pockets. “Jordan helped. She chose the photo.” She tries to begin to thank him, but no words are coming out so Scott continues. “I know you have the photo of the two of them that you’ll keep by Nathan’s bed, but… I just thought it would be nice to have one of the three of you.”

Tessa nods, causing the tears to fall more swiftly down her face. “Yes. It is. This is… this is beautiful.” She loves that Nathan will be able to see this moment every day, even if he might not remember it. He will still be able to see how happy their little family was together, how much joy he gave his dad, how much his dad adored him. “I don’t know how to thank you.” 

“You already did,” he says gently. She knows why he’s giving her some space right now, but she finds that she doesn’t quite need or want it in this moment. His comfort will help, even if might feel a little strange hugging him in front of such a large picture of her husband. 

It doesn’t though, not really. It feels natural, in a way it never would have back in Nathan’s room in her house. She rests in his arms, thankful that he’s here, that he’s so kind, so thoughtful. After a minute or three she steps back. “I should probably get to work on these boxes.” Nathan is spending the day with her mom, and he could always sleep in another room, or this one now that his bed is nearly ready, but Tessa wants this room ready for him as soon as possible.

“They’re all open now. Do you want any help or will I start on another room?” 

She wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to while unpacking, but they will be faster if he helps the girls with their own boxes. They want to unpack their special things and decorate now that Scott has assembled the big pieces of furniture, but a little supervision might not go amiss. Just in case Mollie rethinks her decision not to have her room repainted and goes about the task herself. “Thanks, I’ll be okay in here. We should divide and conquer.”

He kisses her temple. “Just shout if you need anything.”

She assures him that she will before really getting started with the unpacking. The first thing she puts up is the photo of Jonathan and Nathan that she’s kept in his room ever since the accident, the one he says goodnight to. After a little moment looking at that and then the one now on the wall she moves on to Nathan’s books. She puts his favourites by his bed and orders the others on his shelves. She knows that making the bed first might be more useful, but this is making the room more her son’s. 

She does get around to the bed linens next, but can’t help but be distracted by the soft blue blanket lying on top of them. It’s the one Marian had crocheted for Nathan, giving it to him in the hospital the first day he was born. It had always been in his cot during his first year, but he’d never grown attached to, not as attached as Tessa was. She loves this blanket, and it will always remind her of the joy and love on Marian’s face that day. It smells of that beautiful baby smell, and maybe a hint of Amarige. But that might be just Tessa imagining things.

Tessa carefully folds the blanket into the top drawer of Nathan’s dresser and then starts on the bed. The first time she had done this for herself was after she, her mom and Jordan had moved into their little apartment after the divorce. She hadn’t done a great job at first, but tried and tried until it almost sort of looked the way it did when her mom made it. The ten attempts were worth it to see the grateful smile on her mom’s face. Now it’s just another automatic task, although it might take just a little longer than it used to with her baby getting in the way. 

The next box is filled with toys, though a lot less than had been in his room back in the old house. She’s made a sizeable donation to the local domestic violence shelter, as well as giving some she still had all the packaging for (some were even unopened) to a charity that helps parents who are struggling to make ends meet. After the toy box there’s still one left, and she can’t place it until she looks inside and sees her childhood books. They’re all for older kids than Nathan, most of them above Mollie’s reading age too. She thinks Becca will like them though. She hopes she does. That’s the reason she kept them here rather than putting them into storage or sending them straight up to the attic.

It’s a heavy box so she doesn’t even try lifting it, just pushes it along the ground. There’s a trail on the carpet that shows its path, the sound it makes changing as she moves it from the thick carpet in Nathan’s room to the thinner one in the hall. 

Scott and Mollie poke their heads out of Mollie’s room, Scott frowning just a little. “Do you need a hand with that?” he asks.

“No, I’m good, thanks.” It doesn’t require that much exertion, more patience. And Tessa is quite good at that. “I’m taking it to Becca’s room, but,” she adds a little flourish to her tone, “I think there are a few things here for Mollie too.”

“For me?!” Mollie jumps out into the hall.

“Yes. These were my books when I was little, they’re about a girl who has a little sister so I thought you might like them.” She digs around in the box for the old British series that her mom had picked up for her at a yard sale, inscribed with another girl’s name, Lucy. Tessa used to imagine Lucy, picturing her with a little sister just like in the book. She always thought she and Lucy would be friends. “There might be some hard words, but maybe Becca could read them with you, or your dad or me.”

Mollie hugs the books to her chest. “Thank you, Tessa! I can start tonight!” 

Scott smooths down some of Mollie’s curls that are trying to break free from her pigtails. “Those look like some great books.” He grins at her and she gets a little jolt at the thought that she can see him smiling more or less anytime now that they’re living together. 

“How are you getting on with decorating your room, Mollie?” Tessa asks.

“Good!” The girl puts her back to the door. “You can’t see it until it’s done though!” Her voice is so determined. 

“Okay. That will be a nice surprise for me!” She hopes it doesn’t take too long in case she needs to go in there soon. She nods down to the box. “I’m going to see if there are some in here that Becca would like to read.”

“Becca has read a  _ lot _ of books, so she might have them already,” Mollie informs her. “But she might like looking at the different pictures on the front. She does that in bookshops sometimes.” It’s clear that Mollie doesn’t quite see the point of this. She looks back down at the books in her arms. “I can put these on my new shelf!” She turns around and runs back into her room.

Before Scott can offer to help her with the box again, Tessa says, “It’s fine, it’s only just down the hall.” He smiles at her, shaking his head ever so slightly, before heading back in to help Mollie. 

By the time she reaches Becca’s room Tessa is thinking that a helping hand might have been a good idea. She feels fine, just a little more tired than she expected. It’s there in her voice when she asks Becca if she may come in after she knocks on the door. 

Becca is quick to open it and her eyes widen when she sees the box. Tessa really hopes she hasn’t overstepped. “Is this full of books?” Becca asks, wonder present in every word. 

Tessa nods. “They were mine when I was younger and I thought you might like to read some of them.”

“You’re lending them all to me?!” Becca’s eyes get bigger again, and then dart back down to the box.

“Well, they’re yours to keep if you want. And maybe to share with Mollie, Nathan and the baby when they’re ready to read them too.” She loves the idea of her childhood books being passed down from one kid to another, each of them dipping into the worlds she’d inhabited and maybe finding another place to share. 

“Thank you, Tessa!” Becca squeals, a sound Tessa hasn’t heard from her anywhere near as often as she has from Mollie. “There are so many! This is the best!”

The sides of Tessa’s mouth are hurting a little now, like they’ll crack from the wideness of her smile. “I hope you’ll find some you really like. It’s okay if there are some you’re not interested in.”

“I like to give all books a try,” Becca says solemnly. She tugs on the flaps of the box but it won’t budge.

“I’ll help,” Tessa offers, and with her pushing and Becca pulling it’s not a hard job at all to deliver the books to their new home. “May I sit?” she asks, hovering at the end of Becca’s bed. She could do with a little rest. 

“Of course!” Becca hurries to lift a small jewellery box and a clear toiletry bag filled with bottles of nail polish, some cheap ones but also a few higher end brands. “These were Mommy’s,” she tells Tessa, lifting up the bag a little. 

“I really like the colours, there are so many different ones.” Tessa’s never been too adventurous with her nails. On the rare occasions she does get them painted or does it herself it’s usually a French polish or another neutral, maybe sometimes a red. “Did you and your mommy paint your nails together?” 

Becca nods, fiddling with the zip on the bag. “She was much better at it than I am.”

“I can never do my right hand without messing up,” Tessa confesses.

“Me either!” Becca leaves the bag and the jewellery box on top of her dresser, beside a little ballerina figurine and a photo of her and Sarah. 

Tessa doesn’t think she should offer to help Becca with her nails, that was something special to her and her mom, even if she feels the tug of want at her heartstrings. “How are you doing with all the unpacking?” she asks instead.

“I’m getting there. I’m leaving books to last because they’re my favourite.” Becca gestures towards the empty bookshelf, one so lovely that Tessa is sure Scott had to have made it. Becca kneels down beside the box of books, carefully taking out one from the top. “ _ Anne of Green Gables _ ! I’ve been wanting to read this series!” 

“It was one of my favourites. Still is.” Tessa has read the end of  _ Anne of the Island _ so many times she might still be able to quote from it. 

Becca runs her fingers over the yellowing pages. “I think there’s a tv show too. Maybe we could watch it.” 

“I’d really like that.” Tessa can remember watching reruns of the version from the eighties with Jordan and her mom. Maybe the Netflix take can give her time like that with Becca. 

“We could watch it after Mollie and Nathan are in bed,” Becca suggests. “Daddy could join us, or we could do it on the nights he has to work.” 

For the first few nights Scott will be working Alma is going to stay too to make sure the girls are comfortable, but they’re not sure if this will be a lasting arrangement. “That’s a great idea, Becca.” 

“Have you been moving into your room?” Becca asks.

“I did Nathan’s first, but I should probably get started on mine now.” The reluctance in her voice causes Becca to laugh, and Tessa soon joins in.

“It’s not as bad as you think it will be, you just have to start and do it little by little,” Becca offers.

“That’s good advice.” Tessa thinks she’s given it herself on a few occasions. “Thank you, Becca.” She pushes herself up off the bed. “I’ll go do that right now.” 

Becca gives her an encouraging smile as she leaves. But despite all her good intentions Tessa finds herself going into Scott’s room rather than her own. He hasn’t even put his bed together, has just left a sleeping bag on the floor. There’s a split second where she considers trying to assemble it for him, but she really hasn’t got the energy. Tackling his wardrobe does seem more appealing than unpacking her own clothes right now though. 

She has only known Scott for ten months, but so many of these clothes are connected to memories - a shirt he wore to one of the early meetings, the jeans he wore that first night in his van, a t-shirt he often wears when he’s at home with the kids. Their lives are already so linked, living together is just one more connection. 

Scott comes in when she’s curled up beside his chest of drawers folding t-shirts. He blinks, like he’s trying to wake up. “Are you done with your room already?” 

She laughs. “Not at all. But I didn’t really feel like jumping into it right now so I thought I’d give you a hand. You’ve been so busy with everyone else’s.”

He kneels down beside her. “So have you.” After he puts some of her neat piles into a drawer he asks, “Is there a reason you’re putting off your room?”

Tessa considers this for a moment. “It’s not that I’m not ready emotionally. It’s just… there’s so much stuff. And maybe I will get a little overwhelmed, even though this is the right thing.” 

Scott squeezes her hand. “That’s okay, Tess. This is a big thing.”

“Yeah. It is.” She interlaces their fingers. “And a good thing.” 

He nods before helping her up. “Is there a small task you want to get done now before we get started with dinner?”

“Making my bed would be a good one.” She’s going to need somewhere to sleep tonight after all. It had been the one reason Scott put together everyone’s bed frames first. Every one but his own.

“I can help with that.” His grin is warm, inviting, and suddenly heading toward her room doesn’t seem so daunting. Scott tilts his head, free hand coming to his chest. “My mom was  _ very _ particular about teaching us hospital corners.”

They go into her room and make her bed and, like so many things now, it’s a lot easier with Scott helping. 

—

Tessa is definitely irritated with him.

“I shouldn’t have let you pack,” she mutters from the otherside of the kitchen island, the top of her head just barely visible from where he sits on the step stool. She probably thinks he can’t hear her, but he does all the same and it makes him wince. “Scott, why did you decide to bring forty-two tupperware lids and only twenty-three containers?” Lids get slapped down onto the counter, an array of red, blue, and green, some clear and others solid, all of them square or rectangular in shape, and then a large round lid gets waved around. “You don’t even have anything round! Where did this  _ come _ from?!”

He didn’t think Tessa would get  _ this _ worked up over food storage. “I really just threw everything I had in the cupboards into boxes, Tess,” he admits. “I didn’t go through anything at all.”

She snorts. “I would say not.” He pulls the tape off the box in front of him, one of Tessa’s, and when he pulls back the flaps, he sees it’s her bakeware, pans of all different shapes and sizes and materials. He definitely knows that he should leave this to her. “Are these for the girls’ lunches?” He looks to see the bento box style containers that he’s always sent with Becca and Mollie. “Will you be offended if I throw out everything but these?”

“Absolutely,” he deadpans. “Clearly I have an unhealthy addiction to storage container lids. I can’t believe you’d try and take those from me.” Tessa stands just to level him with a glare. “It’s Tupperware.” He thinks that she makes a quip about only two of the containers  _ actually _ being Tupperware but he is not passionate enough about this to specify all the brands he has. “I really don’t care.” Truthfully, there isn’t much in the kitchen that he’d be adamant to keep. There’s a few mugs, the rolling pin that used to be his grandma’s, and the cast iron skillet that Sarah had before he even met her (it’s perfectly seasoned and he refuses to cook meat in anything else) that Scott will stand firm on, but they could donate everything else right now and he wouldn’t even bat an eye. “How would you feel about us putting my dining room table in here?”

Tessa’s eyes follow his nod to the empty space in front of the windows. When they toured the house, there was a table there and he definitely wants to keep the kitchen as a place they can eat in. Every time they’d gone over to Tessa’s, they never ate meals in her dining room, but he worries that maybe she  _ is _ a dining room person. When he still lived at home, the dining room was used only on Christmas and was otherwise used as storage. His house with Sarah didn’t even have a separate dining room. They just seem too formal for everyday life. “Do you think it’ll fit?” is all Tessa says in response and when he assures her that it will (comfortably so, he measured), she nods. “Yeah, that sounds great. One less thing for us to get.”

Nathan comes in then, not returning the smile Scott sends him. “Big mess, Mama.” He frowns at all the open, half emptied boxes.

“This is part of unpacking, my love,” Tessa explains as she rounds the island to reach her son. “But don’t worry. Scott and I will have it all squared away soon.”

He kisses her cheek absentmindedly as he listens to his mama, his hands going to curl in the neck of Tessa’s sweater. “And then we go home?”

Tessa does a spectacular job of covering up the frown that Scott can see wants to come out. It’s not the first time Nathan’s asked to go back to the old house this week. Despite the fact that both he and Tessa (and once even Becca) have explained to him that this is his new home, the idea is still too much for Nathan’s three year old self to understand. “No, baby.” She sounds sad, regretful, and Scott wishes there was some way he could make this easier on her, and on Nathan. “Remember we said bye-bye to our old house? That’s why all your toys are here.”

She’s lowered herself to the floor so she can get eye to eye with Nathan, who must understand what Tessa’s trying to say because rather than looking confused like he did the first few times they’ve talked to him, his face scrunches in anger, his eyes narrowing beneath his glasses. “But I want to go home.” He emphasizes his point with what Scott thinks is supposed to be a foot stomp, only Nathan doesn’t really pick up his foot so it turns into an abstract body roll. 

Tessa looks up at Scott, lost, and Scott is thankful for the invitation to help. It’s so hard to figure out when it’s his place to step in or whether he should hang back.  “Hey Nathan,” he starts as he pushes himself to his feet. “What do you think about going for some ice cream after we go look for furniture?” Nathan’s face lights up whereas Tessa’s sinks back into irritation. This is clearly not what Tessa would have suggested, but there’s no taking it back now. He crouches down in front of Nathan with a little nod. “Yeah, we can go pick out some new things for this house and then get some yummy dinner with ice cream for dessert.” His eyes flick over to Tessa’s and he smiles when he realizes that, though this doesn’t absolve him from using ice cream to distract her son from the old house, it has smoothed her face out, a small acquiescing nod sent in his direction.

“Okay,” Nathan answers with a nod of his own. “I tell Becca and Mollie?”

He looks between the two of them for confirmation and Tessa answers with a smile. “Yep, go tell them the plan.” Nathan’s smiling now too and he plants a kiss on Tessa’s lips before running towards the living room. Hopefully the girls are still doing okay. They had left the duo (and Nathan) in charge of organizing the combined movie collections and while he has heard some bickering, it hasn’t been all out silent or all out yelling, something Scott has to consider a win.

“Sorry,” he says before Tessa even glances his way. “I didn’t, or well, I just, uh…” He’s not quite sure how to explain himself. Had it been one of his girls, that’s exactly the approach he would have used. Scott is not above bribing his daughters and, though he likes to think he’s fair, he can admit that he does spoil them to a certain extent, especially now with Sarah gone. And even though Tessa had wanted him to intervene, he probably should have thought about what she would do, rather than what he would do. Except, would that sound like a criticism of Tessa’s parenting style? He sighs, full-bodied, and drops back down on the step stool, the metal creaking beneath him. “We parent differently,” is what he decides on.

Even though her lips are quirked, Scott can see her trying to make sense of either the exchange that just happened or, more specifically, how they’re going to manage this whole co-parenting thing. “I don’t like using sweets as incentive or distraction,” Tessa says as she gets back to her feet. “It’s not that I’ve never done it, but I prefer to use other methods first.”

“I can understand that.”

She takes his hands in hers and he knows this is a serious discussion, but he smiles nonetheless when Tessa’s fingers link through his. Becca told him the other day when he picked her up from school that linking fingers meant you  _ like liked _ someone. He was glad when Becca rolled her eyes after he asked if she linked hands with anyone. That’s something he’s just not quite ready for. Tessa gives his hands a small squeeze. “I just don’t want him to keep asking about the house and then expecting to get ice cream after.” She dips her chin and acknowledges, “I know I didn’t specify how I wanted your help. I am glad, too, that you were able to tell I wanted some help.”

“As much as we don’t want to step on each other's toes, I think we have to admit we’re going to be co-parenting four kids, Tessa.” She whines a little before slumping against him, her hands still wrapped around his. “I know, it complicates things.” He knows that Tessa doesn’t want to step on Sarah’s toes anymore than he wants to step on Jonathan’s, but this is going to keep happening whether they like it or not. He turns his face into her neck, keeping himself from kissing the skin in front of him even though he desperately wants to, choosing instead to run his nose against her. “I don’t think we can just sit down and have a talk and cover it all.”

“Probably not.” Her voice is muffled against him and her breath makes him shiver.

“I like that we can talk about it like this.” No fighting, no finger pointing, just a calm discussion of their feelings.

He feels her take a deep breath. “Me too.” When she pulls back enough to look at his face, she’s smiling. “Thank you for helping. Next time can we try a different method?”

“Thank you for asking for my help. I promise to use a different tactic first if it happens again.” He notices her nose start to wrinkle and he manages to break before she does, laughing as he shakes his head. “God, what a healthy conversation.”

“We sounded like honest to god  _ adults,” _ Tessa laughs. “Could you imagine if Amanda had witnessed that?” The image of their group leader pops into his head, proud and crying and clapping at the same time. He thinks he even hears her gong going. It only makes him laugh harder and Tessa’s already doubled over with her own laughter. “Oh my gosh, I’m gonna pee.” She’s still laughing, even as she power walks to the closest bathroom.

Scott scratches at his jaw as his laughter peters out. He busies himself by throwing all of his Tupperware back in the box it was packed in, save for the girls’ containers. He finds a sharpie on the counter and crosses out KITCHEN, writing DONATE in his messy scrawl underneath. “Daddy,” Mollie says, the word drawn out and a little dramatic as she drags her feet into the kitchen. “Do we  _ have _ to go shopping before dinner?”

Scott looks above the sink for the time only to remember he hasn’t put the clock up yet. It can’t be that late yet, he thinks, pulling his phone from his pocket. “It’s only three. If we eat now, you’ll be hungry come bedtime.”

Mollie sighs. “But I’m hungry.” She puts her hands on her belly. “My stomach keeps talking.” She imitates the gurgling then, her noises getting even louder the closer she gets to him, only stopping once she can throw herself against his leg. “Know what that means in stomach talk? It means feed me pizza.”

Scott snorts. “Pizza is not on the agenda tonight, baby. Not if you want ice cream after dinner.” That much dairy will be hell for the girls. “And it’s still too early for dinner.”

Tessa’s slippers give away her return and, quick as can be, Mollie is at her side. “Tessa, my belly says it needs food.”

She quirks an eyebrow. “Is that so?” Mollie nods and shoots up her best puppy dog eyes. Scott can hardly believe that Mollie is so bold to try to swindle Tessa into an early dinner while he’s still there. He’s almost impressed. “Well, I have some cookies…”

There is no way Tessa is going to let Mollie have cookies before dinner. Not a chance in hell.

His daughter’s grin takes up her entire face. “Chocolate chip?”

“Oatmeal raisin.” Mollie’s smile drops completely. “If your belly is hungry, surely it would like an oatmeal raisin cookie. Such a healthy snack, don’t you think?”

Mollie’s nose wrinkles and Scott has to force himself not to laugh. “No, my belly doesn’t think it would like that.”

Tessa shrugs. “Guess we just have to wait for dinner then!” Defeated, Mollie stalks off to the living room. Scott thinks he can hear her muttering under her breath but he can’t make out any of the words. “Well, that was bold.”

“She’s going to kill me as a teenager,” Scott repeats. 

Tessa heads over to the cookie jar. “Don’t be silly.” She pulls out a cookie. It looks homemade but Scott has no idea when she could have made it. Most everything is still in boxes. “She’ll do you in by the time she hits twelve.” Tessa grins around the cookie.

God help him, she’s probably right. 

He’s just about to steal a bite when Becca comes into the kitchen, trailed by Nathan. “Mollie said there were oatmeal raisin cookies.” 

Tessa splits her cookie with the kids while Scott fishes his own out of the jar. 

 

Scott settles into the couch (Tessa’s, the one they’ll be donating. He wasn’t offended when his couch got regulated to the basement as the ‘kid friendly’ couch) in the living room. It didn’t take as long as he’d thought to pick out a new couch, the big purchase they were going for, but they still managed to stay in the store for two hours. As great as their kids are, half the time was spent corralling them into  _ not _ jumping or climbing on to something. Even Becca was getting in on it, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head when she saw the four corner poster bed that she insisted she needed to try “to see if it’s as nice as your stuff, Daddy.”

What most arguments came down to was that: whatever the kids saw that they liked, he could make. He even had to use that one on Tessa when she started looking at the vanities. Of course, he already  _ is _ making her one of those, but that’s for Christmas and he can’t tell her that.

The new couch is going to be delivered in three days, right in the middle of an already busy week. Becca has a recital coming up, Mollie a hockey game, and the leave he took for the move is coming to an end. He already feels bad for not having taken more time but it was a concession he made to get Christmas and New Year’s Eve off. He just hopes he won’t be too useless after his shift. He’d hate for Tessa to have to pick up his slack.

Tessa pads into the living room then, sending him a soft smile. “Nathan go down okay?” He puts an arm over the back of the couch and Tessa tucks herself into the open space.

“Yeah, and the girls are asleep now too.” Her hand worms its way under his shirt and the shiver that runs through him has nothing to do with the fact that her fingers are tracing his abs and everything to do with the fact that she is freezing.

“Jesus, Tess,” he jolts. She looks way too proud of herself as she laughs. “Were you holding ice cubes before you came in here?” He takes her hands in his and brings them up to his mouth, blowing hot air over them before rubbing them with his hands. 

“Yep,” she pops the P, “you’ve discovered my secret.”

Scott hums. “Don’t tell the girls. I think their  _ Frozen _ phase has  _ finally _ passed.” Tessa giggles. She looks over her shoulder to the stairs. Satisfied that none of the little ones have gotten up and come to find one of them, she leans forward to give him a kiss. “What was that for?”

She shrugs. “I just felt like it.” A subdued sort of panic flashes across her eyes. “Is that okay?”

It’s sort of exactly what he wants to do all the time with her. He nods even as he goes to kiss her. Their noses hit, their teeth clack, and it’s probably the least smooth kiss they’ve ever had, but she doesn’t back away, just laughs, and he swears she’s never tasted so sweet. 

He feels like a teenager again, a complete 180 from how he felt this afternoon, stealing kisses with one ear trained on the noises Tessa’s making, the other on everything else, not wanting to get caught. His hand goes to her hip and he would slip it under her shirt to feel where her waist has thickened but a cold wet nose weasels in between his hand and Tessa’s skin. Scott groans. “Marner, get out of here.” Swatting his snout does nothing to deter the dog; in fact, he only seems to get more eager, putting his front paws on Tessa’s lap and his crazy tongue licking at Scott’s hand. “Marner, sit.” It works, except Marner just puts his butt down and keeps his paws on Tessa, and instead of licking, he tries to burrow his head between her legs.

Tessa is quick to push his head back. “Marner, go lay down.” Immediately, the dog backs up and happily trots over to his dog bed in front of the fireplace. Scott is about to complain, how is it that Marner always listens to Tessa better than him, when Tessa rests her head against his forearm that’s still slung over the back of the couch. “You know, I had a cat growing up. She ruined my first kiss.”

“How?” He can’t imagine how a cat could get into that kind of trouble.

Tessa smiles, biting down on her lower lip. “She was a long hair cat and tended to be more of a cuddle bug than any other cat I’d known.” She sits up straighter. “We were sitting like this, right? And I knew she was on the back of the couch but I wasn’t paying attention because,” she gestures to him, eyebrows inching towards her hair, “and right as Kyle was about to kiss me, she waltzed right up and set her tail down between us. We still kissed, but with a mouth full of cat hair.”

His head falls back with a bark of laughter that he tries to muffle with his hand when it rings louder than he expected for so late at night. “Oh man,” he chuckles. “How’d that go over?”

“I was  _ mortified _ . I couldn’t even push her off the couch because I was so humiliated.” Tessa shakes her head, a hint of pink coloring her cheeks like the memory still embarrassed her. “Kyle didn’t seem to care as much as I did though. After we wiped away the cat hair, we made out until Jordan came home.”

Scott waggles his eyebrows. “Had a boy home alone?” He clicks his tongue. “I don’t think my house was  _ ever _ empty.”

Tessa shrugs. “My mom worked a lot after the divorce.” Scott wants to ask more, wants to know more about what growing up was like for her. He already knows a little, picked up bits and pieces over the months, but, he’s greedy. He wants to know everything about her. “When did you have your first kiss?” Tessa asks. Her eyes are a little brighter than he’s seen them recently.

He doesn’t think it’d be far off to say that Tessa is just as curious about him as he is about her.

They stay up late enough that Scott knows they’ll both regret it in the morning but it doesn’t matter because on the couch he learns about: Tessa’s first boyfriend (he’s surprised to find that Tessa only had one before Jonathan), Tessa’s brothers (surprisingly close to her despite the age gaps and how far away they live), her childhood dream of becoming a professional dancer (and, after some prompting, why she gave it up), Tessa’s parents (their marriage was great until it wasn’t, but she admits that she’s never talked to Kate about what happened), her favorite color (blue), her favorite food (the offensively basic cheese pizza), her favorite song (she lists five because she can’t pick), her favorite thing about Jonathan (how he used to try and get his glasses higher on his nose by wiggling his nose from side to side. It never worked but he always did it).

In return, Tessa learns about: his first girlfriend (which came a lot later than she expected based on how high her eyebrows go), his childhood dream of becoming a hockey player (she mentions that he would look good in Maple Leafs blue), how his brothers always blamed him for things they did (he appreciates that she seems just as indignant about the Broken Coffee Table Incident of 2006), his favorite color (green. He leaves out that it’s newly his favorite color), his favorite food (his mother’s beef Wellington), his favorite movie (Bloodsport), and his favorite thing about Sarah (her love of music. She could name  _ any _ song on that came on any radio station).

Upstairs, he learns that she prefers, however briefly, the right side of his bed and she learns that he likes it when she puts her hand over his mouth to muffle his moans.

\--

The first night Scott works after they’re moved into the new house, Alma comes to make the transition better for the girls. It’s not exactly necessary but Tessa is glad for the help nonetheless. Becca and Mollie are mostly self-sufficient but it is new for Tessa to suddenly go from tending to one child to three. She hopes it will make them feel more settled, like things haven’t changed completely now that they’re in a new place. She doesn’t want them to lose out on time with their grandma either, she knows how important that was to her growing up. 

Alma cleans up the dishes while Tessa corrals the kids (and Marner) upstairs for baths. Mollie insists on jumping in with Nathan and it feels like something that she should run past Scott first but then Becca is yelling from the hall bath. Mollie doesn’t bat an eye but Nathan looks up at her strangely before asking, “Is Becca okay?”

Tessa leans over and presses a kiss to his wet hair. “I’ll go check.” She hesitates when she goes to push herself up. She’s never left Nathan alone in the tub before. There isn’t much water in it but all kinds of statistics start running through her head. She knows that even in the most crowded of places someone can drown and how can Tessa just put the responsibility of watching Nathan on Mollie? She turns to the door where Becca’s yelling sounds a little more faint but still there, a few barks adding to the mix. What if Becca is hurt? She doesn’t sound it, but Tessa’s not sure she’s ever heard what that sounds like for Becca.

Tessa strokes her stomach nervously, the baby starting to move around more than usual, no doubt from the worry starting to course through her. Keeping an ear focused on the kids in the tub, Tessa walks over to the doorway. “Becca,” she yells. “Everything all right?” Another bark and then something  _ definitely _ falls in the shower. “ _ Alma _ !” 

By the time Alma gets to the foot of the stairs, Tessa is already heading towards Becca. She’s not even sure she manages to tell Alma that she needs her to watch the kids in the tub but Tessa can’t stop to think about it because all she can think is that Becca is bleeding out at the bottom of her shower.

She runs into Becca’s bathroom with wet eyes, the worst already playing out in her head, only to find the girl completely and absolutely fine, if not a little angry. “Marner won’t get out,” Becca complains from behind the shower curtain. The dog’s paws are on the lip of the tub but Tessa can see him pushing against Becca’s efforts to get him out.

Tessa doesn’t know if she should laugh or collapse from relief that everything is okay.

“Marner,” is what she settles on, voice stern but a little exasperated. “Out!” He looks up, tongue flopped out of one side of his mouth. He barks. “Marner!”

He slips back into the shower which results in an aggravated sigh from Becca. “You’re getting your hair all over me!” The shower curtain ripples, a muted, rhythmic thwack accompanying it and joining the tapping of Marner’s nails on the tub floor.

“Becca, is it okay if I reach in to pull him out?”

“ _ Please _ !”

It’s a bit more of a wrestle than she was expecting but eventually Tessa gets a good grip on Marner’s collar and, in combination with Becca pushing, is able to pull him out. He’s absolutely soaked, barking like this is some game. Tessa has never felt more betrayed. She gave him scraps for dinner before they came up! She’s given him treats every day since they’ve moved in!

He jumps up, licking her in the face, before running down the hall. 

Tessa slumps down on the toilet. “Did he do this before?” Her arms are covered in wet dog hair. She shivers through a grimace.

“No, but I think Mollie let him in her shower yesterday.” That’s definitely something she’s going to have to talk to Scott about. “Thanks, Tessa. I’m okay now.”

She stops in the hall closet on her way back to the little ones, pulling a small towel out so she can attempt to clean off her arms. Giggles float from the bathroom, Nathan’s clear as a bell to her amid Mollie and Alma’s. At some point, probably sooner than she thinks, they’ll become just as familiar to her as her son’s, nestled in that space inside of her that holds all the people she loves. The thought has Tessa pausing in the middle of the hall, her hand finding the polished wood at the top of the banister. Growing up, her mom always said she had a big heart, and as an adult, Tessa knew that she had so much love to give. This is what she wanted, a home full of children and family that she can protect and nurture and love. 

Tessa just really hopes Jonathan doesn’t get lost in it all.

A deep, steadying breath in her lungs, Tessa walks into the bathroom to see Nathan standing up in the tub, toy submarine in one hand and the other holding onto Alma’s shoulder for support, while Mollie sits stock still so Alma can fashion a bubble beard along her chin. “Is Santa stopping by already?”

Mollie shakes with a laugh that doesn’t quite leave her mouth, her lips curling in an effort to stop it so bubbles don’t slip into her mouth. Nathan looks at Tessa seriously. “Mama, it’s not Christmas for eight more candies.” He would start learning how to comprehend time now that there are treats involved. She’ll have to thank Jordan again for the advent calendar. 

Tessa releases an exaggerated gasp. “Well, who is this in the bath?”

“It’s Mollie,” he deadpans, face every bit confused by her faux confusion. 

Alma bursts into laughter. “Silly Mama,” she says to Nathan as she presses a finger to his nose. “How could she not recognize Mollie girl?”

“That’s okay, Tessa.” Mollie stands up as Nathan sits back down with a splash. “Pirate me looks different from  _ me _ me.” Nathan starts talking about Captain Hook which means the tub descends into Neverland, Tessa and Alma left back in London. 

Alma shakes her head as she pushes back to her feet, taking the towel Tessa offers with a grateful smile. “Everything okay with Becca Bear?”

Tessa hums. “Marner was just being a pest.” She leans against the sink even though Alma urges her to take a seat on the toilet. Her legs are feeling restless and Tessa knows that once the kids are in bed, she’ll still be up moving around in an effort to rid the feeling. It’s better that she stands, can move her weight from leg to leg, to curl her toes against the cool tile. “Can I ask you something?”

“Has Scott been leaving clothes in the dryer already?” 

Tessa isn’t sure where that question comes in the slightest, especially since Scott is better at remembering laundry than she is. “Um. No.” Should she defend Scott? He really is so good about offering to do hers and since they have a hall hamper for all the kids, he’s always doing Nathan’s for her. Oh, Scott had mentioned that there  _ was _ laundry that needed to be folded and put away. She hopes Alma won’t look in the dryer since she’ll automatically assume it was Scott who left it when really it’s Tessa’s responsibility today… Tessa shakes her head before she can get completely distracted. “No, this doesn’t have anything to do with Scott.” She sets her hands underneath the swell of her belly, smiles on at the kids even as a bunch of water goes to the floor with their exuberance. “How the hell did you manage three kids?”

Alma laughs with all the well-worn wisdom of a mother who raised three men. “It was a challenge. Joe and I never had a dull day, that’s for sure.” Tessa can’t decide if that’s comforting or not. She still has all the worries of a first time mother, alert and vigilant to the point of insanity. The girls are older than Nathan and she wasn’t there for their milestones, their teachable parenting moments that bring the calm of knowing they won’t break. 

All Tessa has is the wisdom learned from Nathan’s three years and the fear born from Jonathan’s accident. 

“You’ve got this little one already,” Alma says, nodding at Nathan, “You know you’ll make mistakes. They’ll get some scrapes too. You won’t be able to protect all of them all the time, but that’s okay.” The older woman pauses, her lips coming into a thin line, that familiar look of worry, embarrassment, and pity settling in Alma’s eyes. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t- I didn’t-“

Tessa waves her off. “Don’t worry.” She emphasises her words with a squeeze to Alma’s shoulder. It doesn’t take away the concern from her eyes all the way but Alma smiles and nods. “How will I know who needs me most?”

“You knew Becca was the priority, even if it was just the dog.” Alma shrugs and waves to the kids in the bath. “There aren’t any right answers and while I would just tell you that nothing catastrophic will happen, you know better than I do that bad accidents happen to the best of people.” Alma touches her elbow and when Tessa looks at her, a tight smile ready in thanks for the advice that doesn’t help but is honest and true, the pity and worry is gone, only understanding and love in its place. “You’re a great mom, Tessa. You did the right thing, asking for help. That’s all you’ve got to do. Know when you need help, ask for it, lean on Scott and everyone else in your life.”

The baby gives a sharp, solid kick against where her hands have been resting, like she thinks Tessa needs to extra encouragement to take the words to heart. Her smile turns genuine and soft. “Thank you.”

“Besides,” Alma says as she stands and pulls Tessa in for a proper hug. “You’ve gone from one to three faster than most. And you’ll be adding another soon enough.” Tessa makes a mental note to ask her mom how she ever managed the four of them. She suspects it was easier given how spaced out she and her siblings were and it’s likely Kate will give her the same answer Alma had too (Tessa’s grandmother was a godsend). “A brood that big needs the solid foundation of its parents and I really think you two are on your way with that.” 

Tessa might say they  _ do _ have that foundation laid already but maybe that’s a bit presumptuous.

She’s about to thank Alma again when Marner bounds into the bathroom and jumps straight into the tub. Water goes everywhere, all over the floor and the walls and her and Alma. Thankfully, the kids don’t get trampled so Tessa can focus on the only thing that matters.

“Marner, out of the damn tub,  _ now _ !”

  
  


At the end of the night, she’s tired. Not exhausted like she worried she would be, just that normal amount of drained at the end of a busier than usual day. After Alma left and Tessa got the kids in bed, Tessa managed to pick up around the house, put away the laundry Scott left,  _ and  _ got some work done. Going to sleep would be the next logical thing to do.

And yet, it doesn’t come.

Tessa takes a nice bath (and if she masturbates in an effort to help make her feel a little more sleepy, she  _ is _ in her second trimester), slips into her comfiest pajamas, rests again her pillows and under her blankets. For fifteen minutes, Tessa waits for sleep to come, for her eyes to grow heavy and her body to relax into the mattress. When it doesn’t happen, she turns on the light next to her bed and picks up one of the books she’s been reading - this one about blending families that Scott had teased her for picking up but asked questions about nonetheless. It’s been hard to find one that fit their situation without getting very religious which makes Tessa think she  _ should _ spend her upcoming maternity leave writing their instruction manual. She gets through a chapter, then another, highlighting passages and scribbling notes in the margins, before realizing she’s no more sleepy than she was when she started.

So Tessa does what any normal person would do at one in the morning.

She bakes.

Marner watches her from under the table, still looking guilty for his earlier antics, his eyes following as she moves to the fridge to the cupboard to the pantry and then back to the kitchen island. She measures everything with the utmost care. The dough pulls together nicely but it’s a long process that she’s started, still plenty of ways to ruin the puff pastry before it’s time to be cut and filled and shaped and baked. She doesn’t really know what she’ll turn this into, no cravings jumping to mind as she starts the laminating process. She puts her weight into rolling out the dough around the chilled butter slab, her stomach brushing the counter every time she rolls the pin away from her. 

She could make regular croissants or pains au chocolat, make cheese and fruit danishes or turnovers, could even go so far as saving it for dinner later this week, make it savory in the form of beef Wellington.

She likes the idea of Scott coming home to something fresh, something indulgent, and while the dough chills, Tessa slices the pears and apples that sit in the fruit bowl at the end of the counter. She sprinkles them in cinnamon and the tiniest bit of sugar, boils the apples and puts the prepared pears into the fridge. For the next two hours, Tessa methodically prepares her dough and her fillings, assembles her individual tarts with the utmost care. A few are only apple, some only pear, but the majority have alternating slices of both, with honey or syrup drizzled on top.

The house smells heavenly by the time she’s done, twelve tarts resting on the stove top for her family to tear into come morning. 

Since she cleaned as she went, there’s not much of anything to do but store the tarts and wash her hands. Marner follows her as she makes her way to her room, staying by her side as she checks in each of the kids before going to lay at the top of stairs.

Tessa definitely  _ is _ tired now but her feet take her to Jonathan’s armchair that she’s nestled into the corner of her room. If she were to think about it, keeping this chair might be weird. She got rid of so much of Jonathan’s stuff so fast, had it boxed up by her sister and her mom and moved into a storage unit that she hasn’t been to once since Jonathan passed. But this chair she comes to often, had panicked when Jordan went to move it to storage too. She likes the high back and the plush of the arm rests. It’s silly, but it reminds her of him. She’d thought it too when he picked it out, had laughed and whispered it in his ear as he pulled her into his lap on it. It almost feels like being wrapped up in him again.

Soothed and comforted, sleep takes Tessa so suddenly that she doesn’t realize she’s dozed off until Scott is gently pulling her hair from its lazy bun. He’s thrown a blanket over her too but it’s not the movements that wake her, it’s his soap, so concentrated and close, so comforting that it has her opening her eyes to make sure he’s actually there. “Sorry,” he whispers, hands carefully catching her freed hair so it doesn’t fall in her face. “I just didn’t want you to have a headache when you wake up. I know your hair’s been bothering you if you keep it up too long.”

She knows her smile must be goofy looking with how sleepy she still is but she’s too touched by his thoughtfulness and the care she can see pouring from him. Maybe in the harsh light of day she’d find it scary, the intensity of what she thinks might be love in his eyes. In the quiet dark of the night, Tessa just wants to bask in it, like the glow of the moon. 

“Thank you,” she murmurs. She stretches so she can give him a quick kiss. “How was work?”

Scott nods, his features dimming just enough to ignite a worry inside her but the smile he sends her is as normal as it always is so she decides he’s probably just tired too. “I was going to move you to the bed but then thought you might prefer to be in the chair.”

Tessa doesn’t think she’s told him in so many words that this was Jonathan’s spot. Maybe she had, in passing and unthinking as they moved through her old house on their way to forget and to feel. She doubts she would have been so careless with this piece she holds so dear and decides that Scott just knows her well enough, is attuned to her needs even without her sending him so much as a glance.

“I had a hard time falling asleep,” she admits. Scott eases himself down to the floor, hand going to rub soothingly at her knee. She wants to protest, to tell him to go get some rest in before the kids wake up. The selfish part of her wins out, her desire to keep him close and tangible after a night at his high risk job outweighing her instinct to comfort him. She cards her fingers through his hair, the roots still wet. “Please tell me you wore a hat on your way home.”

She feels his laugh against her leg. “Of course. I was properly bundled.” He kisses her shin. “I promise.” They sit silently, just enjoying the feel of one another. Their baby starts moving and Tessa suspects without looking at the clock that it’s nearly six. If she were asleep, maybe she’d have slept through the swimming and soft kicks, get a few more minutes until the sharp jabs come. She’s awake though and she relishes in the feeling of their baby waking, taking the hand that rests on her knee to her stomach so Scott can join her too. “How are you?” he asks after a moment.

It’s an invitation to be open, a request to be allowed inside her head, and the words sit on the tip of her tongue.  _ I don’t think I can handle your job _ or  _ It scares me not knowing if you’ll come home _ fill her mouth like sludge, threaten to choke her if they don’t come out. He moves his head to rest against her belly, his lips moving against their baby’s home but, even in the quiet of the room, Tessa can’t make out what he says. Scott looks up at her, face half hidden by her stomach, a secret pressed into the corner of his smile and encouragement in his sleepy hazel eyes. 

Never once has she not told Scott exactly as she was feeling but how can she tell him that her anxiety over his job has increased tenfold? How can she put that on his shoulders when he’s already changed so much of his life, and his daughters’, for her?

So she sidesteps, puts him before herself while she still can and ignores what it means that her instinct now is to protect his mind and his heart. “I’m okay, but we need to talk about Marner.” She watches his eyebrows furrow, his chin going to press into her thigh before he leans back and perches his chin on her knee so he can see her face past her belly. “Not only did he get into the tub while Becca was showering, but he jumped into the bath while Nathan and Mollie were in it.”

Scott laughs, his breath hitting her skin in hot puffs. “No! Really?”

“ _ Really _ ,” she answers with a definite nod. “Thank god your mom was here. She cleaned up the mess while I got the kids dressed for bed.” Uncurling her legs, she puts her feet on either side of Scott the best she can. She wants him a little closer and he turns himself to her properly, his hands coming to wrap around her hips, his head returning to her belly. “I’m glad your mom was here.” Her hands fall to his biceps, fingers kneading the muscles absentmindedly. “Three kids are a lot.”

“If it’s too much-”

She shakes her head. “No, no. I want this time with the kids, I do. I want them here.” She lets out a sigh. “I just worry that I’ll mess up.”

“Oh, Tess.” He pushes himself up onto his knees, his hands finding a firmer purchase on her hips. “You know I’m going to fuck up too, right?”

She hits him in the shoulder, her face probably more serious than her movement. “You’re supposed to tell me I won’t.”

There’s a hesitation then. She can see his throat push up a sentence, his lips twitching in restraint, a thought clear as day passing over his eyes. “I don’t ever want to lie to you, Tessa.” His words are earnest enough that she knows, whatever he swallowed down, whatever he decided not to share still rings true in what he did say, the core message the same even if the words that came first weren’t exactly right. “We’ll mess up together. Better than alone, right?”

Her laugh is surprisingly wet and when she closes her eyes, she can feel tears soak into her eyelashes. “Thanks for being here to mess up with me.” 

“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” he whispers. He kisses her with her eyes still closed and it feels like a new breath.

—

“I can’t believe you haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet,” Tessa says, shaking her head as he helps her out of the car.

“I have so,” Scott counters. “It’s just been the need based presents instead. Like, Mollie needs a new pair of skates, Becca needs new dance shoes. It’s the fun stuff they want I haven’t had a chance to grab.”

She quirks an eyebrow at him. “You know, it is possible to order things online.”

He waves her off, grinning when she catches his hand to hold in hers as they cross the parking lot. “I like shopping in person.” Even when he knows it’ll be a madhouse. He likes that constant thrum of energy around him, as strange as that might be, enjoys watching hordes of people searching for that perfect gift, marching around the store like they’re on a mission to make Christmas perfect. In fact, he thinks that’s exactly how Tessa will approach their Christmas shopping adventure, and Scott is convinced further when she pulls a list out from her purse.

She looks up at him, face soft and maybe a little surprised. “I do too,” she admits. “But sometimes, convenience wins.”

Her fingers start to fidget in his hand and he gives her hand a small squeeze. “Last year was nothing but online shopping for me.” And shitty online shopping at that. He needed his mom to go over his cart before he placed his order because he knew he wasn’t at his best.

Tessa leans closer, their shoulders pressed together as they walk into the store, a gust of hot air slapping them both in the face. “I had one present for Nathan last year, one for Jonathan too, when it happened.” A bustle of people move around them, the pair definitely stopped in the most inconvenient place, right between the entrance and the carts. Scott doesn’t care about all the snippy remarks from other shoppers, or the looks being thrown their way for being rude. All he cares about in this moment is Tessa. “Jordan and my mom bought all the rest of the presents. Even wrapped some and tagged them from Marian and Frank since we were all so…”

Her eyes have gone a little glossy and Scott pulls her in close, wrapping his arms around her as tight as possible. Tessa digs her head into the crook of his neck, her hand fisting his shirt at his back. He does his best to keep his breathing steady, lays a hand flat between her shoulder blades, fingers spread out to touch as much of her as possible. He counts to five in his head then takes a deep breath, corners of his mouth lifting when he feels Tessa expand with her own measured breath to match his. “This Christmas will be better,” he says. It’s a wish and a promise all at once.

There’s no way this one can be as hard as last year. It’s still going to sting, their losses removed enough that the absence of their spouses, their kids’ other parents, might be more obvious now that the haze of sadness and emptiness, that necessary numbness, is gone.

“Yeah.” He feels more than hears her response, her breath heating up his neck. He waits for her to pull back when she’s ready and when he catches sight of the tiny tear sticking to the corner of her eye, he thumbs it away, pressing his lips to hers in a chaste kiss. It’s still not something they do a lot in public, not with so many people around, which is ridiculous because it’s not as if anyone really knows them. 

They manage to grab a cart without a wonky wheel and Tessa is quick to unbundle, throwing her coat and scarf into the top basket, while Scott shrugs off his own coat but leaves his toque on. “Well, well, well.” Scott pauses. The voice doesn’t sound familiar to him but does feel like it’s said to him. With a quick look to Tessa, he relaxes, her face giving way to recognition, and parks their cart against the science kits they think would be a good gift for all their kids.

“What are you two doing in the toy aisles?” He turns in time with Tessa and there at the end of the aisle is Jordan and Ashley. He’s only met Ashley once, that time at the discussion with Chiddy, so he’s guessing it was her who called them out. Tessa hugs both her friend and her sister while Scott gives a polite nod and warm smile. He thinks to wave but maybe that would be dorky? He’s 100% certain they’re not at the hugging stage either, even though Jordan was extremely helpful in getting the surprise for Nathan and Tessa to come together. 

It’s definitely the right move for Jordan who tips her head in return but Ashley is another story. Ignoring Tessa’s question, the blonde steps up to him with open arms. “I’m hugging you because I can tell you’re not sure about it,” she states before enveloping him in a hug that is much tighter than he expected.

“I was pretty sure we weren’t at this point, actually,” he laughs as he hugs her back. Jordan is shaking her head when he looks at her and Tessa mouths an apology. “But here we are anyway.”

Ashley pulls back, looking at him critically but with enough softness that Scott doesn’t start figuring out an escape route. He knows Ashley is a lawyer though and perhaps letting his guard down is not the smartest idea, friend of Tessa’s or not. “You give good hugs.” She appraises him with a once over and nods to herself. Her next sentence is said to the both of them, Ashley making her way back to Jordan’s side. He can’t remember if Tessa said they were officially dating or not. It’s best to not even think of them in terms of labels so he doesn’t accidentally say the word girlfriend out loud and make an ass of himself.

Besides, it’s not as if he and Tessa have had that discussion yet either. Maybe the Virtue sisters are most comfortable in this undefined limbo. Scott knows he is.

“It’s a good thing we ran into you actually, we were going to text anyway.” 

When both he and Tessa look at her quizzically, Jordan steps in. “What do the kids want for Christmas? Or what are you getting so we know not to get that.”

He sort of thinks Jordan said kids, as in plural. But that’s ridiculous. Maybe Jordan just means Nathan and Casey’s daughter. That makes the most sense.

Only all three women are staring at him like he’s supposed to answer this question that shouldn’t involve him at all and suddenly he’s asking, “Why are you getting my girls stuff?” in a tone that sounds much less grateful than he is. Thankfully, no one looks offended and he’s able to rush out an apology. “I didn’t mean it like that at all,” he says. “I’m so sorry. I’m just not sure why, uh… The girls really don’t need anything.”

Tessa is looking at him a little sad whereas Ashley stares at him fondly, and Scott doesn’t miss the way Ashley looks behind Jordan’s head to meet Tessa’s eyes and give her a nod. Jordan, however, looks at him like he’s stupid. “Why wouldn’t we get Becca and Mollie anything?” There are tons of reasons why they don’t have to, first being that it’s not as if they have any relationship to one another. Jordan has met the girls exactly twice and while they did hang out for a bit while Jordan helped them move things into the new house, it seems crazy that Jordan would want to do that for his girls who may as well be strangers. “Did your parents get something for Nathan?” she asks next and Scott knows that they have, his mom asking Tessa directly the last time she dropped by the house.

Maybe it’s not as ridiculous as he originally felt it was but it’s strange, to realize in the middle of a store, that his kids might actually have the kind of big family he’s always wanted for them, one that extends past all the Moirs.

(He thinks about how Sarah’s parents have never once asked what Becca or Mollie wanted, and instead just sent the biggest, grandest toys they could find.)

“Yeah, okay,” he says finally, his voice creaking out the words as his eyes feel hot. Oh, this is crazy, crying over someone else’s generosity. He forces out a laugh and Jordan softens, her held tilting to the side for just a second before she seems to catch herself and corrects, standing up straight with her hands wringing around the top of her cart. It’s a move he’s seen his own family do a lot, the quick pity they send his way before they remember that he hates being on the receiving end. Scott has no doubt that Tessa’s asked her family to stop too.

Tessa moves back to his side and his hand reaches out for hers out of instinct, wanting to be grounded by her touch, put at ease by it, only to remember that it’s not something they’ve done in front of their families before. She seems to have the same hesitance because their hands just sort of knock together, knuckles hitting before slotting against each other. It’s enough to make him breathe easier, just having her so close. “You two,” Ashley says, shaking her head. “Just hold hands. You practically fucked in my office.”

Jordan and Tessa wear the same horrified expression and it’s enough to make Scott laugh instead of being embarrassed. “We did  _ not _ ,” Tessa asserts at the same time Jordan yells, “Oh my  _ god _ !” Ashley sends him a wink as she throws an arm around Jordan’s shoulders.

Tessa is still complaining when he slips his hand in hers and the moment their palms touch, she promptly shuts her mouth, her head whipping around, not to look at their hands but at him. Her lips stayed pressed together even as her eyebrows raise to her hairline, and when he crooks his lips into an easy smile, hers follow suit, a silent okay. 

Jordan and Ashley seem to know better than to say anything about it, the pair only exchanging their own silent conversation before Tessa’s sister clears her throat. “So, what’s the cool stuff for kids now? What gift will make me look cool?”

Scott is thankful that no one suggests splitting up even if it might make more sense to do so. They do end up ditching one of their carts, Ashley trying to just leave it in the middle of an abandoned aisle while Jordan huffs as she leaves to return it to the front of the store. 

Together they go up and down aisles, Tessa’s list taking up residence in his hand when she decides she wants to push the cart. She’s been on her feet all day that Scott has half a mind to put her in the cart. She was up early with Mollie, his busy bee insisting that Tessa be the one to make breakfast even though he can’t count how many times he’s told her this week alone to let Tessa sleep, went to play group with Nathan,  _ and _ went into the office for a few hours. He won’t pretend to know her limits better than Tessa does herself, but he can see how she shares her weight with the cart, her elbows resting heavy on the top. “Doing okay?” he asks, his hand coming to rest on the curve of her lower back as Jordan and Ashley discuss the merit of Barbies.

She leans into him but nods nonetheless. “Yeah, we have to get this done. Christmas is soon.”

He hums in his throat. “And I’m assuming you’ll fight me if I suggest letting me push you around in a cart.” She laughs and lets her head fall to his shoulder, letting him feel her mirth instead of simply being blessed with the sound. “I bet they’d race us too,” he adds, chin raised in the direction of the duo ahead of them.

“Yes, and then we’ll all be banned from the store.”

Scott shrugs. “It’d be a great story to tell the kids.”

Tessa’s eyes go wide. “Oh we could never tell them. They’d start racing Marner, poor thing.”

“Poor thing,” Scott huffs. “Just last night he licked my ass trying to get into the shower!”

“Kinky,” Ashley quips as she holds up two Barbies. “Didn’t know you were an ass eater, Tess.”

Scott chokes on air and Tessa rams the cart into her friend with a terse “We were talking about the  _ dog _ .”

Ashley shrugs. “Nothing wrong with it if you did. As a matter of fact -“

Jordan wraps her hand around Ashley’s mouth. “Would Mollie prefer the Christmas edition Barbie or this baseball one that we could try and turn into a hockey one?”

Tessa steadfastly ignores the exchange in front of them, mindlessly murmuring baseball, more to her list than to her sister. “I feel I already know a lot about you,” he says to Ashley who quirks an eyebrow deviously. “Tessa is right, Mollie would die for a sports Barbie. My mom might even be able to help make a hockey jersey for it.”

The box ends up in the cart with a muted thud. “Oh, that’s okay, our mom will.” He shouldn’t be surprised Kate is added to the list of people now buying for his girls but he is all the same.

He’ll have to add gifts for Tessa’s family to his list. This year it’ll have to be store bought. As much as he prefers to make at least one gift for people, there’s just no time, unless Jordan or Kate are interested in a very basic shelf. He runs a hand over his head, taking his toque with the motion, the fabric fisting in his grip as he scratches just above his ear. He doesn’t even know what to get either of them, has no idea where to begin. What he knows about Jordan is that she’s a lawyer, is seeing Ashley, and is fiercely protective of her family. All he really knows about Kate is that she’s divorced and loved Jonathan.

His chest feels a little heavy now. Everyone else keeps walking ahead, Ashley and Tessa turning the corner to the next aisle. Tessa’s got that determined gait of hers and Scott suspects she’s found the aisle that has the truck she wants for Nathan. Jordan is still standing by the Barbie accessories only she’s staring at him instead of the sea of miniature clothing. Scott puts on a smile that he can tell doesn’t fool Jordan at all. “You can talk to me,” she says with a gentleness he’s only ever seen her give Nathan. He suspects it’s the same way she approaches Tessa sometimes, her face matching the stories he’s heard about her. “You okay?”

He starts to nod but, at Jordan’s narrowed eyes, he abandons the movement for a shrug. “I come from a big family, you know? I don’t know why it’s so overwhelming to know my kids will have  _ more _ .” He shifts his weight from one leg to the other as he takes a deep breath. “It was just Sarah and her parents, and her parents are assholes. My family is all the girls really know.”

Jordan shortens the distance between them, leaves enough space that Scott isn’t sure whose benefit it’s for. “Scott, it’s not just Becca and Mollie who are being welcomed. You know that, right?” A mixture between a huff and a laugh comes out of his mouth which makes Jordan straighten back up. “You think I would’ve helped you with that gift for Tessa if I didn’t like you?”

He shoves his hands in his pockets like he’s being scolded. “It was for Tessa and Nathan. I know you’d do anything for them.” Jordan rolls her eyes and it’s a little scary how much she looks like her sister. “Come on, it’s not as if we know each other that well. It’s not that crazy for me to think-”

Jordan puts her hand up, cutting him off before he even has a chance to heed her gesture. “I may not know your favorite color or food, but I know what you’ve done for my sister and nephew, how you’ve treated them and cared for them. How you’ve let them move at their own pace with you and your family speaks volumes, Scott.” She pushes her hair over her shoulder and leans against the row of shelving, nonplussed that it squished and ruins the rows of dolls. Her one and only focus is on him. “The fact that you wanted to blow up a picture of them with Jonathan, that you hand carved the frame for it? That’s the kind of person I want for Tess and Nathan.” 

Scott swallows hard around the lump in his throat. “Any decent person would do that,” he tries and Jordan leans forward to slug him in the arm. It reminds him a lot of Anne’s punches, surprisingly hard for how lithe they are. He rubs his arm. “I just…” He sighs. “We don’t really know each other. I could count on one hand the times I’ve met you and Kate. It feels -  _ I _ feel - weird that you only know me secondhand.” He looks at her pleadingly, hopes that his messy thoughts are making sense and that he’s not looking like a complete idiot to Tessa’s sister.

She softens again, her whole face relaxing so much so that the little line above her left eyebrow disappears. He knows that the line wasn’t permanent, has seen pictures of Jordan with the line gone and her face smooth, but it’s the first time Scott’s ever seen her like this, the way that she allows her family to see her. “Okay,” she says. “I can respect that.”

Tessa appears at the end of the aisle before Jordan can say more and Scott isn’t sure if he’s relieved or not. Tessa’s eyes dart between the two of them, suspicious and scared all at once. “Everything okay?” Though Jordan nods, it’s not until Scott smiles and tells her they’re fine that Tessa relaxes. “Jo, Ashley wants your opinion on a gift for Rosie.” With her sister heading off to find Ashley a few rows down, Tessa wraps her arms around Scott’s waist, eyes trained studiously on his face. “She didn’t scare you did she? Because I have plenty of blackmail on her if she upset you.”

He laughs and it loosens something inside him as he hugs her as close as her stomach will allow. “No, it’s nothing like that.” He kisses her forehead, right over where it wrinkles from her furrowed brow, then, before he can overthink it, kisses her lips. She doesn’t hesitate to kiss him back, takes it a step further and turns one kiss into three, each one lingering longer than the last. The vanilla lip balm she wears now that the weather has gotten bitter smudges on his skin, a sweet stickiness he doesn’t want to rub off. 

It’s hard to believe that before today they rarely kissed in a crowd and now they’ve done it twice.

He pulls back with a smile on his face. “I think your sister likes me,” he whispers.

Tessa rolls her eyes fondly. “I could have told you that.” Another peal of laughter escapes him and it makes Tessa smile now too. “So, good talk?”

He nods. “Yeah, I think so.”

She raises onto her tiptoes to give him another quick kiss. “Great, now come on, we have a lot more stuff to get and I’m ready to admit I’m tired.”

—

Tessa thinks this might be the first time she’s ever gone to church alone. She hadn’t gone much as a child, and only started going regularly because it was important to the Bradys. This is just for her, however. 

It’s a reconciliation service, which from what she’s pieced together she thinks is basically confession but you don’t actually have to tell the priest your sins - everyone just listens to some reflections, thinks about what they’ve done and what they could do better, and then gets absolved. It’s ideal for her, both as a non-Catholic and as someone whose sins could probably keep the priest busy for quite some time. She’s not quite sure if they count as sins when she can’t quite regret them though. The timing of it all maybe, but not what she’s done. 

There are a few second glances when she walks into the church. It’s so warm inside that she had to take off her coat getting in the door and her pregnancy is obvious now. None of the looks seem particularly judgemental, there are still nods and smiles from the faces that have grown familiar to her over the past few years. She sits a few rows behind their usual pew, she knows Frank is unlikely to come because he prefers to go to the direct confession, believing that nothing short of that really counts, but this service has been part of Marian’s lead-up to Christmas for as long as Tessa has known her. 

It’s so quiet and peaceful here. The lights have been dimmed and there’s less of the usual chatter as people take their places and wait for the service to begin. Before Nathan was born they’d sometimes gone to evening mass and the atmosphere had been a little like this after communion when there was reflection time with the lights turned low. It had been Tessa’s favourite part, everyone silent and still together, each thinking of their own situations but hoping for the best for all around them. It’s what she’s grown to appreciate so much about church - that sense of community. Tonight they’re all here to apologise for the things they’ve done wrong. All of them are carrying something, though most people’s transgressions aren’t writ large on their bodies. 

She reaches for the booklet when the choir begin to sing, her voice quiet and a little unsure. Jonathan always used to sing along, even though he didn’t have a note in his head. Her eyes reach out for Marian automatically at that thought and she sees her in her usual pew. She must have walked in while Tessa had her head bent down. After the opening hymn, Father Peter says a few words, inviting everyone to reflect on the past year and how they can best prepare to welcome baby Jesus. Tessa would never have dreamed a year ago that she’d be preparing for the birth of a baby of her own. It’s been a funny road to Bethlehem. She thinks of all the things she’s done, and all the things she’s failed to do, and hopes that on balance the good might outweigh the bad. She may not always have done the best thing, but she’s tried to do her best with the situations she’s been in, and she thinks that’s something. She just hopes the decisions she’s made are the right ones for her children, and for Scott’s too. 

She’s been questioning things this week - Nathan’s been having trouble sleeping and there are still some moments when he asks when they’re going home. She’s been having trouble sleeping too, especially the nights Scott works. It’s so hard to shut her mind off, not knowing where he is or what he’s doing. The fear grows as the night lengthens and the clock ticks down until her mind is too exhausted to keep thinking. And there’s been some sniping between Nathan and Mollie, and between Becca and Mollie too, that Tessa hadn’t known what to do with. She always knew that the transition wouldn’t be seamless, but maybe naively she thought it would be a little easier by now. She hopes Christmas goes well for everyone, she wants them all to have the happiest of days. 

The process for going up for absolution is the same as for receiving communion, a path Tessa has never taken. She’s rethinking whether this it’s really her place to take part in this and she thinks of how much it would amuse Jonathan. He’d say something about how his mom had made a good Catholic girl of her after all. It’s only right that he should be the one she’s thinking of when she approaches the priest, his forgiveness is the one she truly wants, the one that’s forever out of reach. But all the same, she feels lighter after the priest gives her his blessing and a gentle smile. 

The whole church feels a little lighter. Everyone is still reverent for the final reflection and hymn but there’s almost a buzz in the air, like the last class at school before the holidays. Tessa had been thinking about slipping away quickly but she gets caught up talking to the woman in front of her who has three small children. She offers her lots of advice about managing a three year old and a newborn without any questions as to who the father of Tessa’s baby might be. There are a few conversations with other members of the congregation after that, about Christmas plans and the weather mainly, no one else willing to bring up the baby. Tessa can see Marian talking to some older ladies. She doesn’t want to leave without at least saying hello to her, but she’s not sure if Marian wants to speak to her in this church right now. 

Tessa gets her answer when Marian comes up beside her, putting a hand on her back and giving her a kiss on the cheek. “It’s good to see you here,” her mother-in-law says, a little more formal than the way she used to speak to her, but still sincere. 

“It’s good to be here,” Tessa answers honestly. It had been what she needed.

They walk out of the church together, Marian helping Tessa put her coat on before they leave. “How is everything going?” she asks, nodding down at Tessa’s bump.

Tessa wasn’t sure she’d get that inquiry, but she’s not surprised by it. “Really well, thank you.” She thinks the baby already likes the new living arrangements even if her older siblings are adjusting. The baby is so much calmer, fallen into a routine quicker than any of them have, and Tessa can just  _ feel _ that the baby likes hearing Scott more.

“That’s great. And…” Marian fiddles with her scarf, fingers pulling at a loose thread. Her eyes keep going between Tessa’s and the scarf, as if she’s trying to give Tessa the respect of her full attention but finding it hard nonetheless. “How about the new house? How’s all that going?”

And all of a sudden Tessa is bawling in the church parking lot. She almost jumps with the shock of it, with the unexpected violence of the sobs. Marian envelops her in a hug instantly, her warm arms surrounding Tessa and holding her close in the way she’s so missed, but this just makes her cry even harder. “I’m - sorry - about - this,” she gulps out. She burrows into Marian’s touch even as her mind is telling her she shouldn’t. 

Marian rubs her back. “That’s okay, honey. Why don’t we get into the car and have a chat?” She pulls Tessa’s hat down further, so it can cover her ears completely. “Or come home with me for a little bit?” 

Tessa has missed the Bradys’ house so much, its cosiness, its comfort, but she doesn’t feel ready to be there just yet. Not after the last time. Frank’s probably at home too and she doesn’t want another person with her right now, as much as she loves her father-in-law. She's overwhelmed enough already as it is. In an awkward muddle of gestures she shakes her head while leaning it towards her car. 

“Okay, we’ll have some quiet time here.” Marian leads her over to the car and gets her settled in. She fusses with Tessa’s hat and coat, a doting mother always, and, before she closes the door, Marian presses a quick kiss to Tessa’s temple. In the time it takes Marian to round the car, Tessa takes deep, steadying breaths in an effort to get herself together. The passenger door opens, a small flurry of snow falling from the roof of the car and Marian shivers exaggeratedly before she takes her own seat and reaches out for Tessa's hand, just sitting in silence until she's ready to talk.

“I just…” Tessa runs her teeth over her bottom lip. “What if moving in wasn’t the right thing?” She regrets the words once they leave her mouth. This surely isn’t a conversation she should be having with Marian.

“Why do you say that?” her mother-in-law asks, voice patient and calm.

Tessa squeezes her hand, maybe tighter than she should. “Nathan’s been having a bit of a hard time. He’s not sleeping as well as usual, and he’s still asking when we’re going home, and then there’s the fighting with Mollie and Becca…”

Marian squeezes back. “What kind of fighting?” Her tone doesn’t sound accusatory or worried, just curious. 

“Well, not really fighting. Squabbling maybe, about toys and who got more cookies, little things like that.” There’s so much more noise in a house with three kids than there is with just one. And a dog. She understands now why her mom never let them have a dog.

When she looks up at Marian, she’s surprised to find her mother-in-law wearing a faint smile. “I’m sure you argued with Jordan and the boys about those kind of things?” Tessa nods. “I know I did with my sisters.” Marian softens her tone. “That’s not a bad thing. It’s frustrating, but it’s part of growing up. Better to learn how to sort out things like that with the people you’re close to first before you have to go out into the world and do it there.” 

“I guess.” She knows that Marian is right on this. It doesn’t make it any less infuriating that her worries have likely just been exasperated by her own anxiety and the continuous fresh wave of hormones. “I just hope this was the right decision for him.” What if she’s got it all wrong? She’s not sure she could bear it.

Marian starts gently stroking Tessa’s hand and Tessa is reminded of when Marian had done the same thing while she was still laboring with Nathan at home. “He only has good things to say about the move when he’s with us. About his new room, and living with the girls.” Marian takes a little breath. “And Scott.”

“Oh.” She supposes it only makes sense that Nathan would talk about Scott to Marian and Frank. She doesn’t want to limit Nathan in any way but perhaps there was a better way to go about this. “I’m sorry.”

“It's okay.” The older woman shifts in her seat a little. “I want him to be happy. And it sounds like they make him happy.” 

Tessa knows that they do. It amazes her really, how quickly Nathan has taken to all of them. Maybe it is partly a sign of comfort that he can have his little arguments with the girls. 

Marian’s smile is replaced by a frown and Tessa’s worries return. “And honestly, Tess, I never really liked that house.” Tessa tries not to snort. “I know Jonathan loved it, but a new build? And it was so big!” She clicks her tongue with distaste. “This new house looks very nice. I think I’ll like it better.” 

Tessa gets choked up all over again. There’s a definite suggestion there that Marian will be calling around. “I’d love for you to come visit. When you’re ready.” 

Marian sends her a shy smile. “I think I’d like that too.” The smile fades a little, her face settling into a more formal expression. “And what about Scott? How are… how is that?” Tessa knows from the tightness in Marian’s voice that this isn’t really a conversation she wants to have. But she persists with her questions. “Can you talk to him about these things that are worrying you?”

She adjusts the temperature setting, mainly to have something to do with her hands. “Yes. Most of the time.” Marian raises an eyebrow, as if pushing for more. Her hand flexes almost imperceptibly in Tessa’s. “I don’t… I don’t want to make you listen to things you don’t want to hear.” Or maybe it’s she herself who’s the uncomfortable one. She doesn’t want to rub it in that she has someone new. Scott is in no way Jonathan’s replacement, but he’s still taking on some of the roles that her husband had, there’s no escaping that. And Marian has no one like that in her life. Her son is gone. 

Marian releases a small sigh, one Tessa can’t make heads or tails of. “I’m going to have to talk about him, Tessa. He’s an important part of Nathan’s life, and your life.” Marian shakes her head, pushes back some graying hair that falls into her eyes with the motion. “I can’t just cut myself off from that.” There seems to be a hint there that she might have tried.

“It must be hard though.” She drums her fingers on the steering wheel. Her tears have dried and the knot in her heart has lessened, she should be ready to drive soon. She wants to see Nathan, wants to get back to Scott and the girls, even if she also doesn’t feel ready to leave Marian again just yet.

“It is. Sometimes more than others.” Marian clears her throat, her next sentence more wet than Tessa expects. “But it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” 

It certainly isn’t. A brief, beautiful moment of silence envelops them, like the time of reflection during prayer. “Thank you,” Tessa says.

“For what?” Marian reaches out and rubs her thumb down Tessa’s cheek.

She doesn’t know where to begin. Tessa sends her a smile, cautious but full of all the love she feels for her mother in law, and shrugs. “Everything?”

Marian strokes her cheek again. “We’re family, Tessa. Family helps.” There’s a brief moment where Tessa thinks Marian might apologize, something Tessa doesn’t want in the least, and she lets out a breath when Marian chooses to take Tessa’s chin between her fingers for an affectionate squeeze. “Do you think you want to head home now?” She nods, and Marian, a little awkwardly over the gap between the seats, wraps her into a hug. “Take care of yourself. We’ll see you for Christmas dinner at your mom’s, right?”

“Yeah. You’re going to bring the cranberry sauce?” Tessa had been feeling a little nervous about all that, it had seemed too big of an ask when her mom first announced she was going through with the usual Christmas plan. But now it feels less daunting, more natural.

“What kind of a question is that?” Marian shakes her head. “It’s time for you to go home and get some rest.”

She’s right, and hopefully rest will come easier with Scott not working. Tessa waves to Marian as she goes back to her own car and then drives home feeling a little better about everything. 

—

There’s a fight happening upstairs.

Scott isn’t sure  _ how _ he knows, after all there isn’t any yelling, no loud noises that would give away that anything is amiss, but something doesn’t feel right. It’s the first day the girls are out for winter break and yeah, they usually get irritated with each other within the first few days of any extended vacation, but it is unusual for it to happen this fast. Except the girls have been sniping at each other a lot lately, more than usual, and Nathan himself has been more prickly than Scott’s ever known him to be (not that he’s known him very long). 

The new house clearly makes for a new dynamic and Scott just hopes, as he climbs the stairs two at a time, that Nathan isn’t caught in the middle. 

Mollie marches out of her room when he reaches the landing, her fists balled up tight and her face red. She looks as though she’s surprised to see him but it’s clear from the way her shoulders relax a bit that she was going to go looking for him. “Daddy,” she grits out, “Becca and Nathan aren’t being fair.”

Before he can even ask what’s happened, Becca is joining them in the hall, Nathan following close behind, the control to Mollie’s triceratops in his hands. “Mollie isn’t sharing.” It’s every bit as accusatory as her sister.

Mollie turns to glare at Becca. “Bruce is  _ my  _ toy. Nathan didn’t even ask if he could play with it!”

Becca sighs, as if this is the millionth time she’s had this argument. “Nathan is just a baby, you know how to share already, Mollie.”

Now it’s Nathan’s turn to glare. “I’m a big boy, Becca.”

It shocks Becca enough that she stands up straight, her eyes going wide at Nathan’s disapproval. Mollie is unfazed. “You should share too then, Becca! Why do I just have to share?” She turns back to Scott and he can tell that she wants to be held but is fighting against it. He doesn’t have any proof, but he suspects that a cousin or two (maybe even Becca) has planted the seed that big girls don’t need their dads so much and, when paired with Mollie’s independent personality, Scott fears his little one is already reaching the point of pulling away. 

Becca’s already responding, something about her toys not being appropriate, but Scott just waves his hands in the air and says, “Enough, enough. It’s my turn to talk.” All three sets of eyes turn to him, the hallway suddenly quiet save for Mollie’s harsh puffs as she tries to calm herself down. Scott lowers himself down on the top step, getting close to eye level with the youngest two. “Nathan?” His hands start fiddling around the controller, little thumbs rolling the joysticks around. He starts biting his bottom lip like Tessa does too. “We need to ask to play with the girls’ toys, okay? Especially when it’s Mollie’s favorite.”

“It looked fun,” Nathan mutters, eyes going down to the floor. 

Of all the days for Tessa to go into the office.

Not that Scott doesn’t think he can’t handle this, he just desperately wants to not fuck this up.

“It sure does, huh?” Scott says encouragingly. “But we need to ask her first. Do you want Mollie taking your cows?”

This proves to be the wrong thing to say because Nathan looks at him confused before telling Mollie, “We can play cows.”

Scott rubs at his brow, his shoulders sagging as he leans against the wall. “I don’t  _ want  _ to play with your cows.” 

When Scott looks back at Nathan, he just looks even more confused. “Buddy, remember how your mama was saying that we can’t just take things?” The little boy nods. “Toys are things we can’t just take, okay? If it’s Mollie’s toy, you have to say ‘please can I play with this?’ Sound good?” 

The sigh Nathan releases makes this seem like possibly the biggest hardship the three year old has ever experienced. “Sounds good.” At Scott’s nudging, Nathan hands Mollie the remote control and says he’s sorry. Scott would be lying if he said his chest didn’t puff up a little bit in pride when Nathan makes sure to look Mollie in the face when he apologizes or when he hugs Mollie after. Tessa’s raised a good kid and he must’ve done something right with Mollie too because she hugs Nathan back, even though Scott thought she may not let him.

Scott looks at Becca next, her face a mix of irritated and anxious. “Do you know what I’m going to say, Becca?” She curls her toes in her socks but stays silent. Her hands go behind her back which means she’s picking at her cuticles, a habit Scott doesn’t think is any better than her nail biting. “Okay then. Becca, would you have reacted any better if Nathan had taken one of your books without asking?” Her ‘no’ is so quiet he has to strain to hear it. “I think you would be really upset if that happened. Remember when Mollie took one of your books? You were very upset.”

Becca huffs. “But Mollie knows better.”

Scott shakes his head. “Nathan is a big boy,” he looks to see Nathan smiling at that, “and instead of telling Mollie to share, maybe you should have taught Nathan to ask.” He reaches forward to take her wrist in his hand and tugs gently so he can hold her hand. Her nail beds are pink but it's not the right time to focus on this. He squeezes her hand softly, rubs his thumb along her nails. “Being a good big sister is helping the little ones, yeah?” 

Becca nods, her swallow audible. Her face has shifted to something like sadness and her voice when cracks when she says, “Sorry, Daddy.”

“I’m not the one you should be saying sorry to.”

Becca turns to Mollie. “I’m sorry, Mollie. I just wanted to make Nathan happy. But I made you mad instead.” 

Mollie goes in for the hug on this one, his girls embracing each other tightly. Scott feels prouder still.

And then when Nathan joins the hug too, Scott wishes he had his phone so he could show Tessa.

“Okay, kiddos,” Scott says as he stands, “how about we go pick up some groceries so we can get dinner done by the time Tessa comes home?”

Mollie’s head pokes up first. “Can we make breakfast for dinner?”

“I think that’s a great idea. Go get some shoes on, guys.” The three start off towards their rooms but, before Becca can go too far, he asks, “Will you help Nathan with his? I want to talk to Mollie a little more.”

She nods. “Of course, Daddy. I’ll make sure to put our boots on because of the snow too.”

He drops a kiss to her head. “Thank you.”

Mollie is already shoving her feet into her own boots when he comes in. She’s also already wearing a different shirt for some reason that he’s choosing not to question because it’s at least long sleeved. Behind him, he leaves the door open a crack, wanting privacy for this talk but also wanting to hear if something goes awry. “How’re you feeling, baby?”

She shrugs, the action almost at odds with the way she stomps her foot into her shoe. “Is it okay that I’m still mad, Daddy?”

Rather than sit back down on the foot of her bed, Mollie drops to the floor, her beloved Bruce right next to her, who she pets despite the fact he’s made of hard plastic. Scott eases down on the other side of the dinosaur. “If mad is how you’re feeling, that is completely okay.” He’s struck with a memory of Sarah and he smiles even with Mollie still looking grumpy. “No one can tell you how you’re feeling but you.”

Making a mental note to take Mollie for a haircut after the holidays, Scott pushes her curls out of her face. She looks happier than she has since he came up stairs, little teeth showing in her smile. “Mommy used to say that.” 

“Yes she did. And Mommy was always right, wasn’t she?” Mollie nods and her smile gets a little bigger. He loves how easy it is for her to smile when they talk about Sarah and he can only hope that it stays that way, thinks it might be easier on her mind and her heart, a small blessing despite everything. Mollie climbs into his lap then brings Bruce into her lap. Her head rests against his chest and, quietly, she counts off the heart beats she hears. He lets the moment sit, wraps his arms around her tight. Through the wall, he can hear Becca talking to Nathan, their voices muffled, and he knows there isn’t much time left. “You know, Mollie, part of being a big sister means stuff like this is going to happen a lot more.” He feels a groan, or maybe a whine, against his chest and he lets a laugh rumble against it. “I promise that I’ll always be here to help though. If Becca or Nathan or the new baby aren’t listening to your words, I want you to come find me or Tessa, okay?”

She sighs. “Okay, Daddy.”

“Becca had to learn all this too. And Nathan is going to learn with you too. He’s never been a big brother just like you’ve never been a big sister.”

She leans back so she can look at him. “I don’t want to be mean to Nathan.”

Scott frowns. “Do you think Becca is mean to you?”

“Not  _ all _ the time…”

Scott hums. “I bet you Nathan thought you were being mean when you wouldn’t let him play with Bruce.”

“I don’t think I was mean,” Mollie asserts, hands stroking the triceratops’ frill.

“Just like I’m sure Becca didn’t think she was being mean to you.” He knows the reasoning may go over her head but he says it anyway, and Mollie just stares back at him, looking almost exactly like Becca did when he had to give her this talk when Mollie was two. He sighs and cuddles her closer again. “Becca loves you. And I know you love Nathan. Let’s just try to be kind, okay? There’s no use getting all riled up when I’m here to help.”

There’s a knock on the door before it gets pushed open, Nathan walking around Becca, his feet going extra high with each step. “My boots are blue!”

Scott thinks half of London may know that, the little boy so eager about the shoes he had to get for the winter season that he’s been telling everyone multiple times.

“They sure are!” Scott taps a finger against the toe of Nathan’s boot. “Are we all ready?”

They’re not, of course, they all still need their coats and he needs shoes himself, but he gets a roarus “yes,” from everyone, and that’s enough to get them all downstairs.

  
  


There’s been some debate about what exactly they should have for dinner. Becca hangs off the end of the cart, making a strong case for pancakes and bacon, while Mollie, who stands between Scott’s body and the cart, asks for the “shackshush thingy.” Nathan, when asked, just wants oatmeal. 

“Nate,” Mollie giggles. “We can have anything for breakfast for dinner!” She curls one arm around the cart so she can tickle Nathan’s belly with the other, his own giggles joining Becca’s and his legs kicking once before realizing how close he must be to hitting Scott or Mollie.

Nathan hums loudly and then nods to himself. “Oatmeal with blueberries!” He looks between Scott and Mollie proudly before turning around in the seat of the cart to be praised by Becca. 

Scott’s oldest smiles and says it’s a wonderful idea while Mollie tilts her head back to look up at him. “I don’t think Nathan gets it,” she tries to whisper. It doesn’t come out that quiet at all but Nathan doesn’t seem to care at all. 

They turn toward the produce section as Scott tries to figure out how to make all the kids happy. It’s hard for him to make only a small portion of Shakshouka but it doesn’t sound half bad to him for dinner tonight. He knows that Tessa has been trying to stay away from runny yolks but maybe he can cook the eggs a little longer, and make it less spicy than he normally would. She hasn’t said anything, but Scott wouldn’t be surprised if Heartburn City is right around the corner for her.

Becca and Nathan’s requests are easy enough to make individually and Scott decides, fuck it, let everyone eat what they want tonight. A small feast to celebrate the house and for almost making it to Christmas. 

He picks up a package of blueberries and hands them to Nathan. “Do those look good to you?”

“We’re really having oatmeal?” Mollie asks. She’s not trying to sound disrespectful, Scott knows she wouldn’t, but she does sound surprised and definitely disappointed.

Once Nathan confirms the blueberries look delicious (and after attempting to open the container), Scott announces, “We are having pancakes and bacon and oatmeal with blueberries  _ and  _ Shakshouka for dinner.”

The excitement he gets from that is more than he expected and he chuckles as he picks a bunch of bananas and tosses them in the cart. Becca is reminding him that they’re almost out of milk too when an older woman stops her cart next to their own. “You all sound so excited to be grocery shopping with your dad,” she says with a warm smile in the direction of the kids, her eyes flicking to Scott’s to make sure she isn’t overstepping.

He fully expects Becca to say that he isn’t Nathan’s dad. It’s not that he thinks she thinks there’s a divide, lord knows she’s been in love with Nathan since the minute they met, but this isn’t something they’ve really talked about and it certainly seems like too much for Becca who is insistent on keeping a bit of distance (a warm distance but a distance nonetheless) from Tessa. The rebuttal never comes though, and instead, Becca explains that Scott is going to cook all their favorites for dinner.

And then Mollie perks up and adds, “Did you know I’m his big sister?” her hand going to pat Nathan’s chest. His eyes immediately shoot to Becca. He’s sure his poker face is nonexistent at the moment and, noticing that Becca is just smiling, Scott knows he must look even more confused and shocked. “And that’s  _ my _ big sister,” Mollie says, pointing to Becca.

“I kind of guessed,” the older woman says in a conspiratorial whisper. “And I’m guessing that makes you their little brother, huh?”

Nathan beams. “Brother.”

“They’re adorable,” she says to Scott next. He somehow manages to school his face long enough to thank her and, none the wiser to his internal crisis, the woman tells the kids to keep being good for their dad and walks off. 

Becca hops off the cart before he can start pushing it, rounding it to come up to his side. “Daddy, was that okay?”

He should talk to Tessa about this first but this doesn’t feel like something that can wait. So he smiles down at Becca, running his fingers through her hair. “If you guys are all okay with that, I don’t see a problem with it.” Becca absolutely  _ beams _ at him and Mollie cheers which makes Nathan join in too.

Later, once they’re back home and the kids are playing in the living room with dinner under way and Tessa sitting at the island writing up the household calendar for the next two weeks, Scott recounts the grocery store incident. He’s already filled her in on the fight that happened before they left and it’s been decided that Tessa will talk with Nathan and Mollie individually come bath time. Tessa’s pen hovers over the whiteboard the further along in the story he gets and, between watching her face and the pans he has going, he notices her lips twitch with a smile, her eyebrows inching higher. 

“I told them it was okay,” he confesses, inwardly preparing for the worst. He doesn’t know  _ why  _ he does, Tessa has given him no reason to feel like she’s going to bite his head off, but he can’t shake the feeling that something is going to give soon. Something will happen to take away this tenuous and tentative happiness he’s discovered.

“Do I scare you?” is what Tessa asks first and it catches him so off guard that he drops a piece of bacon to the floor, Marner immediately lunging for it and then yelping when it proves to be too hot still. Scott curses under his breath before bending down to pick up the bacon strip. As if Marner is one of his kids, he blows on it and then lets the dog eat it. “You just keep looking at me like you’re scared I’m going to yell.”

“That’s not true.” She sends him a leveling look. He sighs. “It’s not because of anything you’re doing, I promise. I’m just…” he shakes his head. “I’m being weird.”

She rolls her lips around her teeth briefly, head cocking to the side. “You’re not… are you regretting this?”

“God no,” he rushes out. “Not in the least bit.” The bacon snaps behind him and Scott quickly lowers the burner before turning back to Tessa. “I keep waiting for you to regret it.”

Fondly, Tessa rolls her eyes, a smile growing on her face. “Well, I can promise you that’s not happening. I’m-” she stops, abrupt, and Scott watches her face contort, the smile shrinking into something more worrying, her green eyes suddenly far away. She blinks with a shake of her head and then looks back at him for only a brief moment before looking back down at the calendar. “I don’t regret any of this at all.”

He thinks anyone else would question her, would be so put off by her response that they wouldn’t believe she’s completely in this. But Scott knows how scary happiness is and how foreign it can feel, how inappropriate, in the wake of the year they’ve had.

Resting his weight on his forearms, Scott says, “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Tessa looks up at him again, and, with an imperceptible nod, reaches out to squeeze his hand. “I think it’s really wonderful that they want to be brother and sisters.” She licks her lips, the faded pale pink growing fainter with the action. “All I ever wanted was for Nathan to have a bunch of brothers or sisters who love him.”

He doesn’t even look around. Scott simply pushes up into his tip toes and leans across the counter to kiss Tessa.

And, just like that, their kids are siblings.

—

The stand mixer whirs loudly from its spot on the counter and Tessa counts six more rotations of the paddle before she turns off her kitchenaid. The frosting has turned the most perfect shade of green for Christmas, nice and rich and not at all resembling the toothpaste color she so often created in the past. 

Tessa has made sure to put disposable table cloths on top of and under the table, an old trick her mom taught her. With so many little hands and little decorations, she wants to minimize mess as much as possible and make for an easy clean up. She really would rather not be finding sprinkles on her kitchen floor until the new year. All of the kids, plus Tanith, CJ, and Jenny, are seated around the table, looking intently at all the cookies Tessa had baked last night when she couldn’t sleep. 

(There was a brief moment where she felt bad for not having the kids help her cut the cookies out, but then a siren went by the house, and baking was the only thing that distracted Tessa from the fact that Scott was working.)

Christmas pines and moose, bells and little people, stars and snowflakes, Santas and stockings are piled high on the platter that Marian handed down to her years ago. Tessa made plenty of each shape, not wanting the kids to fight over certain ones and because she’s always loved the family time that came with decorating cookies for Santa. The more cookies there are, the more time she gets to spend with everyone. She spoons the frosting into small bowls and then, with a balancing act that has Tanith and herself impressed, takes the bowls filled with different colored frosting to the table, placing one in front of each person. “Have we decided what we want first?” she asks, fingers going to redo the bow at the neck of Mollie’s apron. 

“Tree,” Nathan and Jenny yell at the same time, their giggles echoing each other’s when they realize they copied one another.

“I want a snowflake, please,” comes Becca’s request, followed by Mollie declaring she wants a moose. CJ decides on a stocking that he says will become an ice skate.

Tanith makes sure everyone gets what they want while Tessa settles down into her own chair next to Nathan. He doesn’t want her help just yet and she is definitely cringing at how much frosting he is piling onto his cookie, but Tessa lets out a soft sigh as she watches her son do his own thing. It’s fascinating to watch him work, to see him decide on his own time that he needs to smooth the frosting out. His head turns towards Becca and, upon noticing how she is carefully placing round silver sprinkles, asks Tanith to pass him the gold ones. He picks them out one at a time, puts them in a mostly straight line down his tree. His smile is so big, so beautiful, when he looks at her and says, “Mama! Look at my tree!”

Tessa presses a kiss to his curls. “Beautiful, my baby!”

“Mama do one too, please.” He tries reaching for a cookie to hand her only he can’t quite reach so Mollie rises onto her knees to hand him one. “Thank you!” A bell is put in front of her, Nathan nudging some of his frostings towards her. Everyone is so concentrated on their work, even Tanith, who usually spends cookie decorating time eating said cookies without adding anything to them. 

She beams as she looks around at everyone. A whole table full of kids and friends, decorating cookies she made, snow falling just outside the windows. It’s something she’s always wanted. She wishes the cost hadn’t been Jonathan, but she’s glad, she thinks, that she can still see her blessings for what they are, even if they’re not exactly how she imagined it.

A happy hum escapes her as she finally puts some yellow frosting on her bell shaped cookie and Tanith looks up from her own creation with a proud smile that Tessa assumes, at first, is for the cookie she’s decorating. Only there’s just frosting on the cookie, no decorations, and then Tanith is rolling her eyes, foot coming to knock against Tessa’s shin. “Lookin’ good,” is all Tanith says before turning to help CJ with his frosting. 

Becca starts humming a Christmas carol under her breath, a church hymn that Tessa herself has loved ever since she was a kid even though religion only popped up around Christmas in her house. Her voice is far from nice but Tessa starts singing the words anyway, glad that Becca joins her instead of shutting down. Mollie and Nathan sing too once they catch on to the song, though Nathan’s singing is really more off tune humming with a few (wrong) words peppered in. Tanith looks between her own kids, neither of whom look like they have never heard “O Come All Ye Faithful”. “Heathens,” Tessa jokes when Tanith catches her eye. It sends her friend into a fit of laughter as Tessa finishes out the last verse with the kids.

“Can we listen to Christmas music?” Becca asks. She preens a little when Tessa hands her phone over and declares that she can be in charge of the music selection. 

She’s not sure how much time passes as they work, the platter of cookies slowly getting smaller and smaller the more they decorate and the kitchen ringing loud with laughter and talking and exuberant renditions of Christmas carols. Scott shuffles in from his workshop during what Tessa thinks is  _ the _ most inspired take of “Jingle Bell Rock” (and yes, she does take into consideration the  _ Mean Girls _ version before declaring her own to be superior). To him, they must all look crazy. Nathan and Becca are standing on their chairs, both waving bell shaped cookies in the air, the pair laughing and twisting their hips. Tanith is dancing in circles with Jenny while CJ takes the opportunity to eat one of his cookies, his eyes getting wide when he notices Tessa catching him. But Tessa is too busy spinning Mollie out and dancing herself to care. 

“Hi Daddy!” Mollie tries to grab his hand but Tessa is already pulling her back in, socked feet spinning her smoothly towards Tessa and the little girl laughs gleefully.

Scott grins and she thinks he’s laughing too but she can’t really hear it over the way the kids all scream, “in the frosty air,” with all the dramatic bravado that only comes with being a kid.

Mollie leaves her in favor of pestering CJ into dancing too, though not without taking a bite of his cookie first. Tessa juts her hips out from side to side along with the lyrics and then gallops over to Scott when the song reaches the line about the jingle horse. This time she can hear his laugh, can feel it rumble in his chest beneath her palm. Rather than ask him to join, she makes him, wanting him in this moment with all of them. She wants to look back on this memory tonight, months from now, years from now, and have him in the thick of it, to remember his laugh in her ear and his hand in hers when he spins her just like she had Mollie, keeping her at arm's length before pulling her back into his embrace. 

Marner’s shaking snow from his fur as he bounds around the kitchen in time with them, howls to go along with all their singing, and Tessa catches Becca jumping gracefully from the chair to take Marner’s paws in her hands. She’s not sure where the cookies Becca was holding went but there’s no time to linger on that thought, not when Scott slides a hand to her back, clasped hand raising into a bastardized waltz. He leads her around the kitchen, expanding their dance floor past the island, and Tessa knows her face gives away how impressed she is along with how utterly happy.

And that’s exactly it.

Tessa is  _ happy _ . 

So outrageously happy that she feels like she’s going to burst from the amount of love flowing through her with every beat of her heart. To see, in the most delightful blur, all the kids dancing and laughing, in a kitchen that’s exactly what she’s always wanted, to have her best friend enjoying this moment with her and with her own kids, to have Scott holding her close and their baby dancing between them…

To call this anything less than happiness would be a disservice. 

For the briefest moment, filling the space between the last two repetitions of “jingle bell,” Tessa isn’t touched by the loss of not having Jonathan here. She doesn’t compare this moment to what it would be like if her husband hadn’t died, doesn’t think about what they would be doing at this exact moment, doesn’t ask herself if she would prefer to have Jonathan in her arms instead of Scott. The only thing Tessa can think of is how lucky she is, something she hasn’t felt in a very long time.

Scott dips her just as they all scream, more than sing, “Rock,” and her eyes go straight to Nathan, who is grinning so big and so bright, Tessa thinks she could burst into tears.

  
  


Tonight’s group meeting is less an actual get together to talk about their struggles and more an excuse to celebrate with this unlikely group that share in loss.

Tessa knows Amanda will ask if they need to share regardless, stress just how hard the holidays can be for people like them, will likely riddle off statistics about how suicides and self harm tick up in the cold winter months that are supposed to be warmed by family and friends and memories. 

She thinks of Kurt, who, with his sister gone, is alone now, and the baby starts kicking as soon as she starts fretting. “What is it?” Scott asks as he parks her car in the church parking lot. With the engine off, he reaches out to put his hand over hers.

She spreads her fingers so his can slot between them, his fingertips able to feel their daughter who has joined a conversation Tessa hasn’t even begun out loud. “Do you think Kurt has anywhere to go for Christmas?”

Scott wears a soft smile. “Yeah, Anne told me she invited him over.” A soft sigh of relief comes from Tessa and, heading back towards calm, she unbuckles her seatbelt and asks Scott to grab the cookies from the backseat.

She tried to bring the nicest ones, most of which were made by Becca, but she hadn’t wanted to take all of Becca’s hard work. Tessa knows just how satisfying it is to gobble up your own creation. Only she has a certain reputation to uphold with group and she’s regretting not asking Scott to stop at the store on the way to the church. “I can’t believe you actually brought these,” he laughs as he goes to slip his hand in hers. She pinches the sensitive skin between his thumb and forefinger, relishing in his yelp, before taking his hand. “Hey, you know these cookies are  _ not _ pretty.” He pauses. “Well, except Becca’s.”

She resolutely does not tell him about the batch she tried frosting with royal icing last night that were so horrible, she went out to the garbage can at 3 am and hid them underneath two bags of garbage.

“They are cookies we made as a family,” she says with a little determined nod. “That’s all anyone needs to know.”

“And if they assume the worst looking ones are by the kids, your rep is protected?” He’s grinning and she can’t decide if she wants to kiss it or wipe it off his face.

Amanda has added even more decorations to the community room they have their meetings in. It’s been done up nice all of December but now, in addition to potted poinsettias and pine garland, there’s a miniature Christmas tree in the middle of their circle and little wreaths sitting on each chair, their snack table covered in glittering tinsel and fake snow, a little ceramic village displayed on one end. It’s beautiful and Tessa looks to their leader with a wide smile and open arms. 

“This is so lovely!” She hopes this didn’t take up too much time or money. Amanda works with them in her spare time, out of the goodness of her heart mostly. Tessa wonders if Amanda would be offended if she asked to contribute to how much this cost, however little or expensive it was.

“Thank you,” Amanda gushes, taking Tessa to the tree immediately. “I’ve made each of you an ornament in addition to your wreaths.” Tessa’s ornament, she notices, is close to Scott’s and she wonders if that was intentional or not, before taking a closer look at all the details adorned on the wooden T. There are little stickers amid the gold glitter glue design, each one representative of Tessa. A stack of books, a calendar, a cake, a ring, a camera, two babies, one in blue and the other in pink. “Obviously these don’t encompass all that you are… I had to work with what I could find.”

Tessa starts shaking her head before Amanda’s even finished talking. “It’s perfect, thank you so much!”

Scott comes up to the tree with Boris. “Hey these look great!” Rather than look at his first, Scott’s eyes rake over everyone else’s, even picking Boris’ up so the old man can get a better look. She can’t help but think that this perfectly captures the Scott she knows: always putting others before himself, genuinely checking in on others and then looking in on himself. Amanda is talking again, maybe to her or maybe to Madi and Kaitlyn who have joined the gathering, but Tessa is focused on Scott, enamoured with the man crouched next to her. She reaches down, carding her fingers through his hair gently. She doesn’t want to go another second without touching him.

So often now when he looks at her, he’s wearing a smile and this moment is no different. He hangs Boris’ ornament back on the tree and, before he stands, he runs the back of his hand along her calf. She has no doubt his grin widens just a little when she shivers in response.

Eventually the group settles in their seats and Amanda asks if anyone wants to share, if anyone is having a hard time. All of their losses are at least a year past now but Amanda is quick to remind them that grief doesn’t follow a time table, that it’s not linear and it doesn’t make sense. No one seems interested in sharing, everyone wanting to focus on their little holiday party and Tessa can tell that Amanda isn’t sure if she should be worried or proud.

From her oversized tote, Tessa pulls out the secret Santa gifts she and Scott picked out the other day. Scott got Anne which Tessa thought was a little unfair but Scott declared that made it even  _ more _ fun. She’s still not entirely sure what it is that he got her, but whatever it is needed to be wrapped in separate boxes. Her fingers run over the bow on top of her gift for Boris, pleased that the adhesive managed to survive the trip. Normally she would’ve made a bow out of ribbon, but Boris has been complaining about how bad his arthritis is getting as the weather gets colder and Tessa didn’t want him to have a hard time.

It’s so pleasing to look around the circle to see all the various shapes and sizes of the gifts on everyone’s laps, the shades and prints of wrapping paper differing too. Nobody used gift bags, not that it would have mattered if they did, but there is a certain childlike delight that comes with ripping away the paper to reveal the gift. Tissue paper just doesn’t give the same level of excitement.

Kurt volunteers to go first and there’s a ripple of anticipation as he gets up and rounds the little Christmas tree to give Madi the present in his hands. The blonde does a little wiggle in her seat but does manage to wait until Kurt sits back down before tearing into the tiny square. From the box, Madi pulls a little charm in the shape of a heart. It’s so tiny that if there are any details, Tessa can’t see them. She thinks there must be, Madi’s tight smile out of place if there isn’t. “Thank you,” Madi tells Kurt as she turns to ask Anne to put the charm on her bracelet for her.

Madi stands next, heading straight for Scott with a rectangular present wrapped in silver paper. Excitedly he puts his gifts to give at his feet and takes the package from Madi, giving it a solid shake close to his ear. He lets out a loud hum before diving in, easily breaking the tape on the box with his hand. Tessa peers over, feeling a warmth when she sees the exact tool Scott was saying he lost in the move. Instantly, he looks up to her instead of Madi. “So  _ that’s  _ why you had my phone!”

Tessa sits up straight and lifts her chin. Her lips give her away, quirking up as Madi laughs from her seat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She looks at Scott out of the corner of her eye which is a mistake because as soon as Tessa sees how utterly thankful he is, she’s a goner, her own face breaking out into a huge grin.

“There’s something else beneath the tissue too,” Madi adds. Something about the look on Anne’s face has Tessa feeling a little worried.

Scott looks underneath and, after a silent second, bursts into laughter. He holds the box to Tessa, fingers holding the tissue paper back so she can see the row of condoms and the little note that says ‘ _ For after the baby.’ _

Tessa’s cheeks flush in an instant, even as she laughs, though not as hard as Scott, Madi, and Anne are. “What is it?” Amanda asks. She blushes just as hard as Tessa when Scott holds up the foil squares. 

“Thank you,” Scott says as he goes to give Madi a big hug. “And I have a feeling Tessa will be okay with the second package coming your way now.” The last part is directed at Anne and he hands off the two presents. “Open this one first.”

The first gift is normal, a nice money clip engraved with the words  **BOSS BITCH** , the exact thing Anne had said she wished she had last month. The second one comes with a note, just like Scott’s second gift did, and Madi absolutely doubles over with laughter while Anne’s face somehow pales and hardens at the same time. Her glare is fierce beneath her glasses. “You motherfucker.”

Scott still grins, definitely pleased by the response. The rest of the group echo one another, wanting to see what the second gift is, and Anne pulls out a box displaying a tiny butt plug. “Scott,” Tessa admonishes. She’s quick to hit his shoulder. This is  _ not _ the place for such gifts! She can’t believe he let Anne open that in front of everyone. Thank goodness everyone seems to be taking it well, even if Boris has to ask Kurt what it is Anne is holding.

He turns to her. “They got us condoms! How is a butt plug any worse?” Looking back at Anne, he adds, “it came very highly reviewed.”

Anne shakes her head as she puts both presents away. “I’m not going to forget about this.”

Of course it’s said like a threat but Scott quips, “well I hope you don’t. I spent good money on that.”

The next couple of gifts pass without any fanfare. Anne gifts Kaitlyn with a bottle of pinot grigio, Kaitlyn presents Amanda with a shiny new gong, and Amanda gives Kurt a new tie. Tessa and Boris are the only two left and she smiles at the old man before starting to push herself out of her chair. “No, no, I’ll come to you,” he insists. He uses the back of his chair to help him get to his feet. “You rest.”

“Oh, Boris, I’m not that far along yet.” He won’t hear it (and Tessa knows at this moment he  _ can _ ) but he does accept Scott’s offer of his chair. Since he crossed the room for her, Tessa asks him to open his gift first. “I hope you like it,” she says, hoping her nerves aren’t too obvious. She had spent ages agonizing over what to get him amid the move and all of the feelings that kicked up, not wanting the gift to slip through the cracks. 

Beneath the wrapping paper is a book entitled  _ The Story of a Lifetime _ in gold lettering that stands out against the deep brown cover. Inside, the pages are mostly blank, sparse prompts to get the writer going and plenty of lines that are waiting to be filled. It had taken them three stores to find the exact kind of journal that she wanted and then a rush order to get the leather cover embossed with Boris’ name. She knows it’s a gift that family usually gives one another and she worries at her lip that maybe this was an overstep. “I just think that you have so many interesting stories to tell,” she says. Her fingers fiddle with the bow on her own gift and Scott’s hand comes to her shoulder, thumb rubbing small soothing circles into her skin. It relaxes her enough that her voice regains its surety. “Maybe your grandkids would like to help you? Or, I would definitely love to help. If you need it, that is.”

Boris leans over and takes Tessa’s hand in his, holding on tight. “I love it, Tessa.” His smile is small but his eyes are glittering with unshed tears that lets Tessa know, without a doubt, that she made the right choice with his gift. “Thank you.” He knocks their joined hands against the present in her lap. “I worry my gift isn’t enough now!”

Tessa waves him off, Scott giving her shoulder a squeeze as he laughs a little. “I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“If you don’t, that’s okay.”

With both hands free, Tessa is quick to tear the wrapping paper away to get to the white box beneath. Lifting the lid reveals a soft yellow dress with white cap sleeves and a white Peter Pan collar, small enough for a newborn. Tessa picks it up with shaking hands. It’s two pieces, now that she has a better look, the yellow dress separate from the white dress beneath it. There are tiny delicate flowers adorning the front, shiny flat buttons adding detail to the back and shoulders. The yellow dress is quite long and it reminds Tessa of all the fancy dresses she’s seen royals wear at baptisms. “Helen bought this during her first pregnancy,” Boris explains. “She added those flowers herself, thought it needed a little more. ‘Course we never had any girls and all our sons have had boys of their own, so…” He shrugs a little. “I think it’s time it get out of hiding. If you’d like, that is.”

“What about your grandkids?” Tessa asks despite wanting to shout from the rooftops how much she loves it. “They could have a daughter one day.”

Boris shakes his head. “I want you to have it.” His eyes flick up to Scott and so Tessa’s do too. It’s a mistake, because Scott is already crying and that’s all it takes for her tears to fall. “I want to be able to meet the baby who is lucky enough to wear this.”

The old man starts to protest when Tessa stands but she is having none of it. She pulls Boris into a hug, squeezing him so tight that the baby in her belly protests, kicking at the pressure like she had earlier that day. Tessa will have to apologize to her later when she does her nightly cocoa butter rub. “Thank you so, so much.” Tessa pulls back to looks Boris in the eye. “I can’t wait to put our girl in it.”

Scott shakes Boris’ hand and hugs the old man himself once Tessa is back in her seat. She hopes Boris knows that she’s not just indulging him, a worry he’s had about his own kids. It’s absolutely indescribable, how happy she is, how touched, that the very first piece of clothing she has for her daughter is so sentimental, so special. 

With all of the presents exchanged, the group goes about picking at the food table. Scott takes his seat again, his hand going to the curve of Tessa’s neck. “You okay?” 

She nods but her breathing is still shaky, cheeks still a little wet. “I just need a minute. Go on and get us some food.” 

He leans in close. “Can I tell them the truth about the cookies?” he whispers, the corners of his lips tugging upwards.

It makes her laugh. “Sure. Merry Christmas.” He grins and steals a kiss before going over to the table, bumping shoulders with Anne and Madi.

Everyone is happily piling their plates with food so Tessa grabs her tote and starts making her way around the chairs. Each seat gets a red envelope and a small bag of chocolates, except for Kurt who gets a small thing of dates since Tessa knows he doesn’t care for chocolate. She wanted to get everyone more personalized gifts but this will have to do. Hopefully no one will feel bad for not getting her anything, that’s not what she wants at all. She’s just fortunate enough to be able to treat everyone and that’s exactly what she wants to do.

“Tessa!” She turns to see Amanda munching on a cookie, her eyes wide as she looks around. “We were only doing the secret Santa.”

“You made us all stuff too,” Tessa tosses back. 

A hand slides at her waist. “Don’t you know by now Amanda that Tessa is an overachiever?” Had Scott said this when they first met, Tessa’s skin would have crawled and she would have been glaring daggers at him while thinking about how much of a dick he was. Now, Tessa just elbows him and leans into his side as she happily accepts the kiss he presses to her temple. His teasing words are laced with love and Tessa doesn’t let herself dwell on that realization, decides instead to just go with it because it feels so much better than worrying if this is inappropriate or if she’s even ready for this.

Scott hums along to the radio the whole way home and he makes sure to open the door for her once they’re parked. Tessa can see from the window that the kids are still up, Jordan sandwiched between the end of the couch and Mollie. Nathan and Becca appear to be reading while Mollie is helping Jordan swipe at something on her phone. Normally the kids should already be in bed but it’s winter break and Tessa is really glad to not miss a night of bedtime routines.

The door closes behind her and before Scott can busy himself with covering up the windshield to protect it from the frost so she can drive to the office in the morning, Tessa grabs the end of his scarf and tugs him close. Surprise colors his face but he’s quick to wrap her up in his arms and send her a soft questioning smile. “I’m happy,” she whispers, like it’s meant to be kept a secret. If she says it too loud someone or something might hear and ruin it. Acknowledging it is dangerous but there’s no denying it anymore. She is happy, in this home, with these kids, both her own and the two she’s come to hold so dear, with this man who she never  _ ever  _ saw coming. She’s happy and it’s scary but she has to tell him, has to let him know.

She doesn’t want things to go unsaid, not again.

His forehead presses against her own. She watches his smile grow bigger as his eyes soften, his hands squeezing her sides. “Yeah?”

She nods even as she swallows hard, her courage, if it could even be called that when it’s something so simple and so good, taking some getting used to.

When Scott kisses her, she cries. She worries that he’ll worry but he doesn’t. He just pulls her closer and starts crying too.

—

Scott hasn’t been this nervous on Christmas Eve since the year he was five and convinced that a lump of coal would be all he’d get come morning. Charlie had caught him sneaking cookies that were meant for Santa and had convinced him that Santa would have a punishment waiting. He’d been inconsolable at bedtime until he’d told the whole story to his mom. This year though it’s not the next morning he’s frightened about, he’s just stressed about this evening. It’s his first Virtue family gathering, his first time at Kate’s, and his first time meeting Tessa’s brothers. With Sarah being an only child it’s also his first time meeting the siblings. Except for Jordan, obviously, but that had felt different somehow, maybe with it being so soon after they found out about the baby. 

Tessa's in the kitchen packing all the cookies and cakes she's made into her festive tins while he's corralling the kids. Nathan and Mollie are running back and forth in the landing with Marner but Becca hasn't appeared from her room yet. Scott knocks on the door, entering after he hears a muttered “Come in.”

There are clothes all over the bed and Becca is wearing a sparkly top, black skirt, and a scowl. “I don't know what to wear.”

He hadn't been expecting this kind of problem at eight. “I like what you're wearing now.” 

“It's itchy,” she complains, plucking at the sequins. 

“How about this?” He picks up a soft red sweater from the pile on the bed. Becca just shrugs. “Are you feeling nervous about this, honey?”

She shrugs again. “Maybe.” 

Scott sits down on the bed, pushing over what looks like half of Becca’s wardrobe. “I'm feeling kind of nervous about it.”

His eldest perches herself on his knee and not beside him like he’d been expecting. “You are?”

“Yeah. There's going to be people I haven't met before and I want them to like me.”

“You like new people. You're like Mollie.” There's an accusatory hint to her tone.

“I do. But these people are important to Tessa and they're going to be part of our bigger family.” He wants to make a good impression, the best impression. 

“I want them to like me too,” Becca says, quieter now. 

He rubs her back. “Well, they’d have to be pretty silly not to. You’re awesome.” Scott’s fairly confident that the Virtues will all be good with Becca, even if they don’t take to him, but he knows better than to make promises that he can’t keep. It’s a lesson he thinks they’ve all learned the hard way in his family after the early assurances they’d given the girls that Sarah would be well again. Maybe those assurances had been for themselves too, him, his parents and his brothers trying to will things right, to make a safe path for the girls. 

Becca sounds more confident now, “I think they’d be silly not to like  _ you _ .” 

“Thanks honey.” He holds up the red sweater again. “Do you want to take another look at this one?” 

Becca feels the material in her hands before pulling off her top and tugging the sweater over her head. She fixes it up and turns towards the mirror. “Very festive,” she pronounces, and Scott smiles because it’s the exact phrase Tessa had used when they’d finished decorating the living room. 

Scott gives her another hug before standing up. “Great. I’m going to get the little ones ready, you okay here?”

“Don’t let Mollie hear you calling her a little one.” Becca’s eyebrows rise high on her forehead while she tilts her head to the side. 

She’s right on that one. “Good call.” He raises his voice so that there’s a chance the pair who are still running up and down the corridor will hear him. “I’ll go make sure Mollie and Nathan are ready to go to Nana Kate’s house.” 

He’s greeted with two guilty faces at the bottom of the hall. “Marner did it!” Mollie announces, pointing at scuff marks on the wall that are too high for either the dog or the two kids to reach. The marks do look like they came from Marner, but how would he have got up there?

Nathan’s nodding along with Mollie’s story, but Scott still thinks he’s his best chance at getting the truth. “How did Marner get up on the wall, Nathan?”

“Mollie helped!” Nathan pipes up happily, oblivious to the frown on Mollie’s face in response to this revelation. 

“He wanted to walk on the wall, Daddy!” He can’t even take in how persuasive Mollie sounds because he’s trying to figure out how she managed it. Marner isn’t huge, but he was giving Mollie rides on his back a few months ago. Thankfully he’s looking none the worse for wear, curled up on the landing just above the stairs. “He just needed a little boost! I was being helpful!” 

“He could have fallen back and hurt you, Mol. Or Nathan.” He’s not worried about the scuffs on the wall, though maybe Tessa will be. He knows that, like him, her primary concern is always the kids, but he’d understand if she was a little annoyed that the walls of the new house got messed up so soon after they moved in. 

Mollie’s eyes drop to the ground and she starts pulling at her hands until Nathan takes ones of them in his and gives it a squeeze. She smiles back at her new little brother and then looks back up at Scott. “Sorry, Daddy.”

He steps closer and ruffles her hair. “Just remember to be careful, okay?” 

Becca pops out of her bedroom. “Are we ready to go now?” 

At least the fact that his dog can apparently walk on walls had taken his mind off the upcoming Virtue family gathering for a little bit. Maybe it will be a good story to share later, he remembers that Tessa’s brothers have dogs. “I think so, you guys ready?” 

“Let’s go!” Nathan yells, throwing his hands up in the air. He tugs Mollie’s hand and leads her down the stairs while Scott puts his arm around Becca and follows them down. 

Tessa looks to have just finished packing away the treats when they get to the kitchen. Either the Virtues can seriously pack baked goods away or she’s over-prepared, and he’s not sure which is more likely. He’s about to crack a joke to that effect when he notices the crease between her eyebrows and backs off, simultaneously deciding to leave off telling her about Marner’s new-found ability to walk on walls.

Nathan doesn’t get the memo. “Marner on the wall!” he exclaims, helpfully pointing at the kitchen wall even though his words are clear enough to need no further explanation. 

The frowning crease is replaced by a laughing one. “On the wall?! He’s a silly dog!” 

“He really was up there!” adds Mollie, being of no help to his plan to brush this off for now. 

Tessa’s eyes narrow in his direction and he shrugs helplessly. “We had a discussion about being safe.”

“And Marner will help clean up the marks he made on the wall,” Mollie says confidently.

The only response they get from Tessa is a nod and a sag of the shoulders. “Kids, will you go get your coats on while I help Tessa with the cookies?” They scamper off and he moves closer, putting a tentative hand on her shoulder. “It’s really not that bad. They know not to do it again and I can deal with the marks no problem.” 

“It’s not that…” He raises an eyebrow as her voice trails off. “Really. I’m just tired, and tomorrow is Christmas and everything has to be ready and the kids will be so busy and excited and I want to rest but I want to go and see everyone tonight. But that’s going to be…” He’s nervous waiting for her to continue. “Different.”

“If you want to go just you and Nathan…”

“No,” she says quickly, worried now. “It will be good. I want you and the girls to meet the rest of my family, I want to spend that time with you. It’s just…” Her eyes glass over a little and he strokes his hand down her arm, not sure if she wants a hug right now or needs a little space to just let it out. “I feel it more this year. That he’s gone. Last year… it was a blur, I couldn’t feel it properly. But now I know that he won’t be there tonight, but you and the girls will be, and that’s good, but it’s different.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know if I’m making any sense.”

Scott clears his throat. “You are.” He’s been noticing a similar thing this year. There’s no cloud anymore, no haze of grief dragging them from one day to the next. Things are clearer, and sometimes harder for that, but mostly better. It’s like air on the mountains - harsh but clean. It might sting a little but it’s fresh, healthy. 

“I want you there,” Tessa reiterates. “And I know Nathan does. He’s excited for the girls to meet his cousins.” Scott can hear Nathan talking from down the hall, he’s asking Becca for help with his coat and telling her they need to get going. “And my brothers are looking forward to meeting you.”

“Yeah? They’re not going to be mad with me about…” He nods down at Tessa’s bump while she rolls her eyes. It’s mainly a joke, he knows her brothers had been cautiously happy about the news, but still. This is another big change in their sister’s life after a catastrophic one, he’d get why they might be wary. 

“You’re just fishing for compliments now,” Tessa teases, but there’s a reassuring comfort to the way she wraps her arms around him. He lets himself lean his head against hers for a little bit, breathing the moment in before they leave. “Ready to go now?” she asks softly, and he kisses her temple before nodding. 

She’s already headed down the hall when she calls back to tell him that he can carry the cookies out to the car. With the amount that Tessa’s baked it’s a fairly onerous task and he’s glad the kids are bundled up when he makes it to the front door because there’s no way he could spare a hand to button up coats or tie laces. 

“Time to go!” Nathan informs him, knocking on the door to emphasise his point. “Time to go to Nana’s house!”

“Scott was busy getting the treats Mama baked,” Tessa reminds him. “We always have to make sure we have everything we need before we go, right?” 

Nathan nods, a frown beginning to appear on his forehead. “Presents?”

Tessa smiles. “I have the presents in the car already. Good job for remembering. Do you have everything you need, girls?” 

After Becca and Mollie both nod Nathan puts up his hand to both of them for high fives and barrels out the door as soon as Tessa opens it. It’s a bit of a challenge to lodge in all the food Tessa has made in amongst the gifts, but Scott manages it in the end and then they’re finally off. 

There isn’t all that much time to dwell on how the evening might go on the drive over to Kate’s, he’s too busy focusing on the road while singing along with the Christmas carols that Mollie is leading. The roads aren’t particularly great so he has to concentrate a little more than usual. It takes him by surprise that Tessa doesn’t give him any warnings or reminders, just tells the kids not to sing quite as loudly when they’re coming up to a busy junction. Her posture is relaxed too, much more so than it was earlier in the kitchen. He still feels a little hyper-aware sometimes with her in the car, like he has to make extra sure he’s driving carefully. Maybe that’s partly the baby coming too though, working extra hard to keep her safe. It’s how he’d felt when Sarah was pregnant and the girls were tiny. He remembers how Sarah would roll her eyes at how slowly he was driving, she’d sometimes even crack jokes about it with his brothers, one of what seems like the few times she ever tried that. But maybe he should check that with them, see how they recall it. 

Even if Tessa hadn’t given him directions before they started out he’d know they were coming closer to Kate’s by the rise in volume of Nathan’s singing, the words of “Silent Night” growing exponentially further away from silence. “Are we nearly there yet?” Scott asks, his joking tone missed by everyone but Tessa, who grins at him.

“Yes!” Nathan says, pointing towards the house at the top of the cul de sac. It’s a generous size for someone living alone, but not so big as to leave Kate at risk of feeling lonely. There are a bunch of cars already parked outside so Scott figures they’re the last to arrive. 

Nathan is already scrambling out of his seat by the time the car doors are open and Scott has to call him back to help with carrying in some of the food and presents. The kids are thankfully happy to help out, especially seeing as they get to choose which tin they carry in (Becca going for the midnight blue with small silver stars, Mollie the bright red with striped candy canes, and Nathan the pale blue with snowmen dotted all over). Becca doesn’t seem to have any of the nerves she had earlier so Scott tries to be more like her, winking over at Tessa as they all gather around the front door and wait after ringing the bell.

It’s Jordan who answers, which makes him relax instantly (the first time that’s ever happened at the sight of her). “I was missing you guys! We’ve been excited for you all to get here.”

“Christmas Eve!” Nathan squeals, tapping his snow boots on the doorstep. 

“One of the best days of the year!” Jordan takes her nephew by the hand and guides him in, relieving him of the cookie tin and helping him out of his coat. “Are you girls excited about Santa coming?” 

Becca and Mollie both nod, Mollie saying solemnly, “I’ve been extra good this year. I only yelled at Becca once.” Becca looks very sceptical about this (Scott feels the same), but seems to decide it’s best not to say anything.

Jordan shoots Becca a wink that seems to convey some kind of elder sister secret message that Scott’s not privy to, before waving her hand down the hall. “Ashley and Mom and everyone else are in the living room.” 

“Uncle Casey and Uncle Kevin?” Nathan asks, hopping from one foot to the other. When Jordan nods he tears off, running as fast as Scott has seen him go, the cookies in the tin he’s still holding rattling furiously. 

“And that’s the way the cookie crumbles!” Jordan makes a terrible attempt at jazz hands but his girls still seem to find her hilarious, both falling into step with her as they go down the corridor while he and Tessa follow behind.

“I actually am the funny one,” Tessa says confidently.

“That’s not that impressive when what we just heard was your competition.” Scott’s still feeling the sting of her elbow in his ribs when he enters the living room. Nathan is being tossed in the air by the uncle Scott recognises as Casey while Jordan is introducing the girls to Tessa’s nieces and nephews. All the kids are shuffling about and looking a little unsure, even Mollie who’s never wary of approaching a new group of children. 

It’s Kate who makes her way over to them first, giving Tessa a big hug and him a tight squeeze on the arm. “It’s good to have you here,” she says, the words simple but precise. 

“We’re happy to be here,” Scott replies, realising that, despite all his nerves and worries, it’s the truth. He’s happy to be here with Tessa and their kids, and he can tell that his girls are happy to be here too. From the corner of his eye he can see how Becca and Mollie have moved past that moment of initial awkwardness and now look to already have found firm friends in Casey’s kids, the way only kids can. Nathan’s in the middle of them all now and Scott can hear him proudly announce to his cousins that he has a dog now too.

Tessa and Kate both laugh beside him. “I think he was starting to feel a bit left out that he was the only one without a pet,” Kate says. “And Marner is bigger than any of the other dogs in the family.” Her eyes widen after the words leave her mouth, surprising herself nearly as much as him perhaps, but she makes no effort to correct herself or change her wording. “You should bring him along next time.” 

“Bring who along next time?” asks Kevin, Casey at his elbow as both of Tessa’s brothers descend on the small group at once. 

“Scott’s dog, Marner,” Tessa explains, or tries to as she’s hugged tight by one brother and then the other. 

“The one you keep sending us pictures of,” Kevin says, giving Scott a guarded smile before sticking his hand out for him to shake. “It’s good to meet you.” 

Scott smiles back, hoping it’s warm, but then not too warm because he doesn’t want to seem weird or smarmy. He’s overthinking smiling, so much so that he almost forgets to shake Kevin’s hand and maybe holds on a tad too tight. “It’s good to meet you too. Both of you.” He pivots a little towards Casey, smile still in place and handshake not quite as steely. Casey’s, however, is an iron grip. Scott figures if he’s going to get a talking to from one of Tessa’s brothers it’s definitely going to be the eldest. 

“We’ve heard a lot about you,” Casey says.

Scott decides to avoid the joke about hoping all the stuff they’ve heard has been good, because he really doesn’t know that it would be if the sources are Kate and Jordan. He thinks they’re okay with him, but he’s not exactly confident. And if some of the stuff Casey and Kevin had heard about him had been from Tessa prior to the beginning of their relationship, well, it wouldn’t have been good at all. It makes him want to stand still and take a deep breath, thinking of how far they’ve come. It’s just over ten months since they squabbled that very first day they met at group. And now here he is at Tessa’s mom’s house for Christmas Eve, their kids self-claimed siblings and a baby half him, half her on the way. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you too,” Scott answers. “It’s good to finally meet you properly.” 

The conversation moves on to Casey and Kevin’s respective journeys to London, and the arrangements they’d made for caring for their dogs back home. Scott gets introduced to Casey’s wife, Megan, and hears about Kevin’s partner, Michelle, who’s spending the holidays with her family. Jordan and Ashley come in from the kitchen carrying big trays filled with the cookies Tessa had baked earlier. He thinks Ashley might begin to regret ever coming close to the Virtue brothers when they start a joking interrogation about her intentions towards their sister. Maybe it’s due to the pregnancy or their bereavements, but for whatever reason Scott is exempt from this talk he’s going to be thankful. He would never have managed it as skillfully as Ashley who makes a quip about what with her and Jordan both being lawyers they’d signed a contract on their first date. Scott would like to check with Tessa to see if that’s the first time either of them have admitted that they’re actually dating, but she’s gone over to the kids. 

He’s about to head over that direction himself when he feels a tug on his leg. “Help me play please?” Nathan asks, pointing over to where his cousins and the girls are laying out a Twister mat while Tessa and Jordan look on. 

“Sure, it’s hard for you to stretch that far, isn’t it?” Nathan had struggled the first time they’d played at home, getting a little frustrated before Scott had offered to help out. 

“I’m still kinda little,” Nathan whispers, like it’s a secret that must be kept at all costs. 

“I was smaller than you when I was your age,” Scott whispers right back, trying not to grin as Nathan’s eyes widen. He takes the boy’s hand and heads over to the kids, murmuring an explanation to the little group he’s been standing with. The sensation of being watched accompanies him on the short walk to the Twister mat and when he shoots a glance over his shoulder it seems that everyone’s eyes bar Ashley’s are on him. Kate and Megan look sort of charmed with the brothers appearing a bit more pensive. And then Casey grins at him and Scott’s nerves settle that little bit more. 

“I’m going to win!” Mollie informs him, shaking her arms in a preemptive victory dance. 

“I don’t know, Mol, I think Nathan here stands a good chance,” Scott teases. Nathan smiles up at him, reaching out for a high five.

“Winning isn’t the most important thing, it’s having fun,” Tessa helpfully reminds everyone. Becca and Casey’s eldest, Rosie, nod along, while Mollie and Jake don’t look so convinced. Scott is just trying his best not to laugh at Jordan rolling her eyes. He’s going to have to remind Tessa about winning not being important the next time they play cards.

After the game gets going it becomes clear that Mollie won’t be winning tonight when she slips early on. Scott is proud of how she handles it, a few months, maybe even weeks, ago her bottom lip would have gone and there would have been a huffing session, but now she just laughs it off. Casey’s son is a little less sanguine about his own difficulties in the game, but that might be because his older sister makes such a big deal of it. Nathan (and Scott’s arms for extra length) manage to last until nearly the end when Nathan falls over while trying to do the splits. Nathan gets rewarded with a hug from his mom and Scott gets some of the mulled wine that all the adults other than Tessa (who has a non-alcoholic version) have been sipping on. 

All the kids help tidy the game away after Becca wins and then it’s time for each of them to open a present. There’s a moment of anxiety that the girls will have nothing until Scott remembers the shopping trip where he and Tessa had bumped into Jordan and Ashley. Soon enough, Mollie’s name is called out first when Kate bends below the tree. She looks a little surprised but wastes no time in tearing open the Leafs wrapping paper to reveal the Barbie that Jordan had transformed. She throws herself at Jordan, limbs flailing, and Tessa’s sister takes her up onto her knee and keeps her there while the other kids open theirs. 

Becca’s present is at the bottom of the pile and Scott just knows she’s starting to wonder if she’s going to get one. He’s grateful to see Tessa lean over and whisper something in her ear that leaves Becca smiling at the floor and tucking her hair behind her ears. Her present is flatter than Mollie’s and decorated in ballerina paper, the dancers all different races, shapes and sizes. Becca opens it carefully and squeals when the contents are revealed - a beautiful atlas and a large map with different coloured thumb tacks to mark the places she’s been and the places she wants to go. Nathan is intrigued by the gift too, dropping his own Lego set from Kevin to sidle closer to Becca and ask if he can go on trips with her. They start making plans immediately, Becca pointing out different cities and countries in the atlas, her arm around Nathan’s shoulder. Scott has to avoid looking at Tessa, even without seeing Ashley pass her a tissue he would have known this would leave her tearing up. 

The yawns start chorusing after some more cookies and he suggests it’s time to head home for an early night before Santa comes after getting an eyebrow raise from Tessa. The Santa mention is probably the only reason he’s not met with some serious complaints as the kids all seem reluctant to part ways. 

Thankfully, Casey steps in with some reinforcement. “We’ll get to see lots more of each other over the next few days. We can call around to see the girls and Nathan or they can come here and spend time with us, okay?” He claps Scott on the back, grinning, and it feels so much more like an acceptance into the family than any awkward speech.

He’s wondering if he’ll get that awkward speech from Kevin  when he helps him carry the toys out to the car after a round of hugs, but it’s just a simple “It was good to meet you at last” as they head back inside.

Kate calls him and the girls back after Tessa and Nathan wrap up and make their way across the drive. She produces two gifts bags from the closet. “I won’t see you girls tomorrow so I wanted to give them to you tonight.”

“Can we open them now?” Mollie asks, already pulling at the tissue paper at the top of the bag.

Kate looks to him, smiling, and there’s really only one answer he can give. “Sure.”

After some serious effort each of the girls finds a journal and supplies, a purple one for Becca and red for Mollie. The front of each journal features a sticker with their name in perfect calligraphy, which he knows is Kate’s from the Christmas card she’d sent to the house. Becca seems fascinated by this while Mollie is more interested in all the stickers and pens and washi tape (not fancy sellotape, Scott’s received a pretty serious lecture about this before) she can use. 

Kate almost falls over from the strength of the double hug she receives before the girls rush out to the car, leaving Scott in the hallway. Kate starts to ramble, “It was only something small but I wasn’t sure what to get, and I know my girls loved journals and scrapbooks when they were their age and…” 

“They love them,” Scott assures her. “Thank you so much for thinking of them.” 

“They’re very sweet girls. Nathan is lucky to have them in his life,” Kate says, the words a little nervous. All of a sudden she reaches out and hugs him, her grip surprisingly strong. “Thank you for spending tonight with us. Happy Christmas, Scott.” 

“Merry Christmas, Kate, have a good day tomorrow.”

He leaves with a smile on his face and a load off his back. It had been a good evening after all - the girls had left happy, Nathan and Tessa too. He’s feeling pretty happy himself, and a little in awe at how shockingly normal it had all felt. It’s all that he could have asked for, and maybe a little more. 

—

She taps on Scott’s bedroom door, doing her best to make as little noise as possible despite the fact that she wants to rush right in. At the foot of her bed, she gathered all of the wrapped gifts that had been stored away in her closet, only to realize that she was missing quite a few of Becca and Mollie’s. “Come in,” Scott says softly and Tessa wastes no time in walking in, eyes going to the floor and to the bed first in hopes of finding the missing presents.

Nothing.

Their first Christmas together and it’s already ruined. “Scott,” she moans as she shuts the door behind her. “Where are - oh.” He steps out of his en suite, boxers slung low around his hips, his neck and the hair framing his face wet from where he’s just washed his face. It’s incredibly distracting, having him standing there practically naked, when Christmas hangs in the balance. She screws her eyes shut and ignores the way she grows slick between her thighs. “Do you have the girls’ big presents?”

“Why are you closing your eyes?” She can feel that he’s moved closer but she’s not expecting his fingers trailing softly over the extra weight she’s carrying around her hips, a spot that’s grown more ticklish than normal the further along she gets. He’s grinning when she looks at him, his hand landing flat and firm at the small of her back. “I already took them downstairs to set up.”

Tessa cocks her head to the side. “What do you mean to set up?”

Scott looks back at her equally confused. “Is that not how you do presents?”

Tessa shakes her head. She can’t remember ever getting an unwrapped gift, even when things were tight, and she would never give anyone else an unwrapped gift, let alone her children. Opening the present is half the fun. “I didn’t think this was something we had to talk about,” she admits and Scott nods in agreement. 

“My family has always set up the big presents from Santa, that way the kids can play with them right away. Batteries already loaded, packaging thrown out.” 

“Your big presents are from Santa?” It definitely sounds like she’s judging him but she can’t help it, her mouth running before she has a chance to stop it or to at least amend it. She can’t believe they haven’t talked this over already.

Scott blinks at her owlishly. “Yes?”

She shakes her head. “That’s not how we do it. Not at all.” Scott takes her over to his bed. They should be taking everything downstairs but Tessa sits anyway before laying down on her side and urging Scott to mirror her. “Santa always brought what we needed. My mom didn’t want kids who weren’t as fortunate to think Santa loved them less,” she explains. “So our big presents were always from family. That’s how we did it with Nathan, since that’s how Jonathan was raised too.”

“Oh,” he says softly. “I’d never thought of it like that.” It’s not her intention to make him feel bad for the traditions he has and Tessa hopes, despite her earlier cattiness, that she hasn’t.

“Nathan is quite young though,” she concedes. “I doubt that he’ll have any memories before this Christmas, if that.” She sucks in a breath. It’s not the first time she’s realized that Nathan will likely never have a Christmas memory that includes Jonathan but it hits her with the same intensity that it always does, one that makes it hard to breathe, hard to speak. Scott is frowning as he rolls closer to her, her belly pressing into his, and this isn’t what she wanted either. She waves a hand, slightly fanning her watering eyes, and forces out a laugh. “I’m fine, I promise.” It’s not a lie and she knows that Scott knows that since he wrestles with the parallel emotions that she does, same but with little differences. “The girls already have their traditions and I don’t want to take away that Christmas magic from them. Especially not Becca.” Tessa doesn’t know how many years Becca has left believing and she doesn’t know what she’d do with herself if she was the one responsible for ruining that.

“And I really, really appreciate that, Tessa. But I don’t want you getting rid of your own traditions just because of us.” The hand that had been at her waist, where Tessa thinks he left it only so his thumb could skirt along where her body stretches to accommodate their growing baby, comes to grip her bicep. She can feel every fingertip individually and it’s only then that she realizes how tense she is, because immediately she relaxes, giving into every bit of his touch. “Especially traditions you had with Jonathan. Those…” His breath hits her face and she can smell her sugar cookies, the sickly sweet of the frosting the kids used to decorate them as strong as if he had just eaten one before she came in. Maybe he had. It distracts her from the heaviness of the moment, something she doesn’t usually shy away from when it comes to Scott, but it’s Christmas and she misses her husband just as much as she wants Scott and she worries that she’ll cry this December 25th too. She’s tired of all these joyous occasions being colored blue. 

It’s not fair to Nathan, it’s not fair to Scott, and it’s not fair to her.

Not fair, not fair, not fair.

It seems that her own internal hymn from last year has come back once more.

Her face crumples but she doesn’t cry, doesn’t let Scott put his hand to her cheek. She drops her forehead against his and, after a moment where she can feel him thinking through how to approach this moment, his hand threads through the hair at the back of her skull. It nearly undoes her messy bun but she doesn’t care, choosing instead to sink into the feeling of being protected by his touch. It’s probably a little silly, to feel protected on the outside when the threat looms within, but Tessa does all the same, and she relishes in it the same way she had when Jonathan would hold her after every negative pregnancy test.

“Your traditions with Jonathan are something I want to protect.” She opens her eyes to find him staring back at her, his own eyes glossy with unshed tears. “I don’t  _ ever _ want you to get rid of those.”

She nods. “So what do we do?” Her voice is still shakier than she’d like but there’s no helping or hiding it. “Because I won’t let you get rid of Sarah’s traditions either.”

“Sarah hated Christmas. Brought out the worst in her parents. She put on a good show for the girls but Christmas was mostly my doing.” She can’t imagine someone not liking the holidays. Even after her parents’ divorce, Tessa still thrives for this time of year. But, she knows so little of Sarah and it’s unfair, she thinks, to judge Sarah for something like that. “But,” he starts again, cutting off her thoughts before she can begin to mull over the woman who Scott made his wife, “she was always insistent on Santa leaving a letter for the kids.”

She never remembers doing that but, “Jonathan wrote Nathan a letter from Santa.” There’s the possibility that a frown will stretch her lips. The memory of Jonathan sitting down at the coffee table with his fanciest pen (the one she got him when he graduated) and the paper he bought for Nathan’s first Christmas, the one he insisted was good enough to be Santa’s stationery sits at the forefront of her mind. She can see is clear as day. She can still see Jonathan’s glasses slipping down his nose, see his fingers being stained with ink, see the way he shook his head and crumpled up the paper when he made a mistake in his writing. It was so important to him to disguise his handwriting despite the fact Nathan couldn’t read either Christmas, much less discern handwriting. It would be so easy to give into the fact that Nathan will only have two letters from his dad but instead, Tessa’s lips turn upwards, just enough to be counted as a smile. “I have paper for it. If you’d like to use it.”

“It’s probably a lot better than the lined piece I was gonna nick from Becca’s backpack, eh?”

She manages a laugh. “Yes. I think Jonathan may have special ordered it. He took his role as Santa very serious.”

Scott squeezes her arm. “You’d be okay with that?”

Tessa nearly tells him it’s just paper but she can’t even  _ think  _ that fully because it isn’t just paper. It’s something from Jonathan, something close to Jonathan’s heart, something he pored over. This is a piece of her husband and of her son’s dad, and letting Scott into this, letting in his girls, means sharing Jonathan with them. 

_ Sharing, _ she repeats. Not replacing.

“I would,” she tells Scott honestly.

He smiles. “Then that’s what we’ll use.” There’s a pause then and Tessa watches Scott think with a small amount of amusement. For all the ways that Scott is different from Jonathan, there are still moments where he reminds her of him. She could always see Jonathan’s every thought plainly of his face, his eyebrows furrowing and nose wrinkling to one side, eyes squinting beneath his glasses. Scott is squinting now too, nose and lips pulling to one side, only where Jonathan’s forehead remained smooth, Scott’s wrinkles, a harsh line appearing between his eyebrows. “I think Santa will explain to the girls that his gifts are changing.” Scott nods, once, firmly. “I’d still like to have their big gifts unwrapped, but Santa will be bringing the things Becca and Mollie need.”

A letter from Santa explaining the change is probably the best way to go about this and even though there’s a bit of guilt at the idea of changing Scott’s traditions with little concession of her own, she asks, “You’re sure Becca won’t be suspicious?” 

“She has friends who do things different than we do.” As concerned as Tessa was about other children feeling left out present wise, she’s surprised that she didn’t consider this. Of course families do things differently and, of course, Becca would understand how things can change. “And if she does have any questions, I promise I’ll talk with her.” Scott drops a kiss to her lips. “Okay?”

Tessa takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

Scott’s smile chases off any lingering sadness she’s been feeling and she’s tempted to start something, to slip her hand beneath his boxers or pull her shirt down to expose herself to him. She must be wearing her arousal plainly on her face because Scott’s smile has turned into something like a smirk, his hand slipping beneath her arm to palm her ribs. “Let’s go get everything ready, then we can revisit that look. Deal?”

She makes him seal it with a kiss.

—

Sarah always used to be the first up on Christmas morning. He always laughed about it, considering her distaste for the holiday, but it came in handy because she always heard the stirrings of the girls early in the morning. Maybe, he realizes now, it was the other way around, that she would wake because she could feel the buzzing of the girls’ excitement, and so she would get up, readying herself for the day just before they would creep from their room to the living room. 

(Becca and Mollie  _ always _ tried to go to the living room first but Sarah always managed to catch them.)

This Christmas morning is different. Instead of being roused by his wife (or by his mother like last year), he wakes up to soft pats on his chest. His name is whispered repeatedly, an effort his sleepy body is doing his best to ignore, only giving up the moment he hears, “Daddy.” He couldn’t ignore that if he tried. Scott has taken his title as dad seriously, ever since he found out Sarah was going through with her first pregnancy. It still takes a bit for him to open his eyes, he swears he’s only just fallen asleep, but he just scrubs at his face, trying to make out who exactly has climbed into his bed.

And gets the shock of his life when he realizes it’s Nathan staring down at him, sleep rumpled and glasses sitting askew.

Tessa’s little boy smiles brightly at him, hands excitedly clapping together. “No more candies left,” Nathan reminds him. “Means it’s Christmas!”

Scott looks back at his clock. 5:35. Much too early to process what he thinks he heard. “It is Christmas, kiddo,” Scott says around a yawn. “Is your mama awake?”

Nathan tries fixing his glasses. “No.” There’s a pout on his face that Scott isn’t sure is from Tessa still being asleep or from the fact that his glasses still won’t go straight. Scott takes them off Nathan’s head, urging him to cuddle closer. “Her bed too high,” he says solemnly and it makes Scott laugh, low in the quiet of the house. “Becca and Mollie snoring too loud to hear me.”

“They sound like big lawnmowers, eh?” Nathan giggles and nods against Scott’s shoulder. “Can we wait a few more minutes and then we can wake up your mama?”

“Two more minutes?” He holds up two fingers.

Scott pretends to consider his proposition before holding up his hand. “How about five minutes?”

“Okay, five minutes.” The next thing Scott knows, the bed is dipping and the illuminated clock reads 6:03. Nathan is still curled against him, his arm bringing the boy closer before he turns to see who else is becoming his bedmate for the morning. 

It’s Tessa, her features tense from what he can make out from the soft night light that shines from the hall. “I couldn’t find him,” she whispers, voice sounding more ragged than sleepy. “The gate is locked but I just…” She shakes her head and finishes climbing in.

It’s the first time she’s not asked permission to do something like this but Scott isn’t the least bit surprised. He lifts his arm from around Nathan so Tessa can slip in behind him. She buries her face into Nathan’s hair, her inhale audible as she wraps around her son. “I’m sorry,” he croaks out.

She doesn’t look up but she does shake her head. “It’s okay. I overreacted.” His hand goes down to smooth down her hair in an attempt to ease some of the anxiousness he can feel rolling off her. “I knew he’d be in with one of you. Panic just outweighs logic.” She kisses the back of Nathan’s head and he rolls over then, burrowing in his mom’s embrace before settling with a soft sigh. “I’m sorry he crawled in with you.”

“I think he went to you first.” His brain is still foggy and while the details are coming back clear, he decides that he misheard Nathan earlier. Perhaps he was dreaming… maybe just wishing. “Said your bed was too high.”

Tessa‘s eyebrows furrow. Not a great start to Christmas. “I always hear him though.”

Scott shrugs. “We went to bed late, Tess.” It does little to make Tessa feel better. Her lips are set in a firm line, a tip away from a frown. “I didn’t even wake up until he was in my face and slapping my chest.”

That’s enough to have Tessa looks less upset. “Oh goodness. I’m sorry.”

Scott smiles and shakes his head. “I’m just glad he got one of us up. That’s what matters, eh?”

Tessa takes a deep breath before she nods. Her hand comes up to carefully play with Nathan’s hair. She takes the curls and lays them nicely against his head. “Yes, I suppose that’s true.”

The house has gotten even more quiet and Scott realizes it’s because there’s no more snoring coming from his girls. With only a few more moments left before Christmas officially bursts in, Scott cups Tessa’s cheek, waits patiently for her to look up at him. “Not hearing him doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. It happens.” He can tell the smile she sends his direction is more to appease him than any real acceptance of what he’s saying. “You’re literally growing another baby. That’s a lot of work.” She rolls her eyes then but her smile feels more genuine than it was before and Scott takes that as a good sign. “Besides, it’s been a little bit since I’ve got such good cuddles. He doesn’t snore like the girls.”

Tessa laughs. Nathan jerks in her embrace and Tessa is quick to rub his back while she bites down on her bottom lip. “Are you saying I don’t give you good cuddles?” she asks once Nathan has settled. 

Scott traces the line that starts at the corner of her nose and curves into her cheek to make room for her easy, flirty smile. “You never stay long enough for me to find out.” Tessa’s face dims, eyes going unreadable, and his mind starts racing, trying to think of ways to take back what he said. He doesn’t want to make her feel guilty or make her feel like he needs more from her than she’s willing to give and, god, this Christmas was supposed to be better for them and he’s already made a mess of it.

He’s about to blurt out an apology when Mollie jumps onto the foot of his bed. “We’re having a sleepover and no one told me?!”

He’s quick to shush his youngest but it doesn’t matter because Nathan is yawning and stretching awake and his, “mama,” comes just as loud as Mollie’s words.

Mollie is crawling into the narrow space between him and Nathan, resting herself mostly on top of Scott when she realizes she can’t quite push Nathan enough to give her more room, when Becca comes in, Marner sleepily leaning against her legs. “Merry Christmas,” Becca greets softly. She crosses the floor quick, her feet curling against the cold hard wood. He’ll never understand why she hates wearing socks so much when the weather is so cold. She climbs in on the other side of him and if she’s upset or curious as to why Tessa and Nathan are in his bed, he can’t tell at all.

“Merry Christmas,” he responds warmly. He hugs both girls tight to him and Mollie lets out a little growl to emphasize just how tightly she’s hugging back. 

Tessa pushes herself up to sit, Nathan following with his arms wrapped tight around her neck like he isn’t ready to give up his cuddle time. “Should we go see if Santa came?”

That’s all it takes for the little ones to pop off them and scramble to the foot of the bed. Tessa laughs, following as they start rattling the gate at the top of the stairs. Becca moves to lay on his chest. He has to admit that he’s surprised she hasn’t left to run downstairs either. She was practically vibrating with excitement last night. Her chin digs into his sternum as she looks at him. “Will you carry me, Daddy?”

“Anything for you, baby.” He bites his tongue. “Sorry, anything for you, Bec.”

“It’s Christmas, I think you can call me baby today.”

He leans up to pepper her face in kisses. “Thank you, my very first baby.” Shrieks and laughter come from downstairs so Scott scoops Becca into his arms and climbs out of bed. Her feet end up under the back of his shirt and he yelps. “Was this just a ploy to put those ice blocks you call feet on me?!”

She lets out a cackle, the kind he usually hears from Mollie, and then she yells, “Mollie, he fell for it!”

Mollie skids to a stop in front of the bottom of the stairs, huge grin on her face and an oversized plastic screw in her hands. Nathan comes too but he hasn’t quite mastered the art of sliding on his socks so it’s a jerky stop behind his sister for him. “We got you, Daddy!”

“I can’t  _ believe _ ,” Scott starts, tossing Becca over his shoulder as he gets down the stairs, “that you would do this to me! And on  _ Christmas _ !” Mollie starts to run away but he’s too fast. Scott grabs her too, throws her over his other shoulder and bounces until both girls are laughing. Nathan must feel left out because he wraps himself around Scott’s leg, his own little laugh joining the girls’ and his own.

This, he thinks, is how Christmas morning should sound.

He turns to the living room and there’s Tessa standing in the middle of it, filling the empty space. Last night, after bringing down all the presents, Scott moved the coffee table into the dining room and pushed the couch back so there would be ample space to play with toys in the morning. And, of course, once he’d sent Tessa up to bed, he’d come back down to bring in her present from him. 

His wrap job is, well, saying that he wrapped his present is a generous statement. There’s absolutely no hiding what is beneath the cheery red wrapping paper adorned with white snowflakes. Leaving it unwrapped and adorned with only an oversized bow was not something he could do, not once he found out how much Tessa likes unwrapping presents.

She turns to look at him, her eyes glittering from the twinkling lights that adorn the Christmas tree, eyebrows furrowed even as she fights a smile. “Is this why you wouldn’t let me look at the vanities?”

Scott shrugs, the girls giggling with the motion, what he hopes is a charming smile on his face. “I already started it and it was too late to figure out something else.”

Nathan runs over to Tessa, throwing himself into her legs. “That your present, Mama?”

She nods as she takes him over to where it sits against the wall next to the tree. She reads out the to and from, spelling the words and their names to Nathan, as he sets the girls down with a dramatic flourish. “Look! Santa left a letter!”

That distracts Nathan, who is pushing between the girls, quick as anything. Tessa works at separating the presents into piles to make it easier for the kids, careful to move around the presents that they decided to leave unwrapped: an airy pink princess tent, outfitted with working fairy lights, a perfect reading nook for Becca, a little black and orange workbench, complete with toy versions of all the real things Mollie wants to play with in Scott’s workshop, and a tiny green John Deere tractor, Nathan’s matching cap sitting on the seat.

It really says a lot about their kids, Scott thinks, that these presents are out for them to enjoy and yet they’re sitting in front of him, eager to hear from Santa before going to rip into presents.

Becca accepts the changes to Santa’s rules with little hesitation. “Probably a lot easier for him to bring smaller things,” she murmurs with a nod. Mollie and Nathan are too busy talking about how  _ Santa _ left them a  _ letter _ to care too much about what it says, but Scott makes sure they listen when he repeats the line about being kind to everyone and always using their manners.

Tessa’s phone clicks, and Scott looks up to see her phone held out in front of her, a soft smile on her cheeks. “Get a good one, eh?”

She nods, smile tucking into one of her cheeks as she takes one more. “Lots.” Clearing her throat, she says louder, “I think we should see what Santa brought everyone!”

Marner trots in once the kids have all settled (the girls sit on the floor but Nathan sits on his tractor with the biggest grin Scott has ever seen, his eyes disappearing beneath his glasses from the way his cheeks raise), managing to lick everyone’s face before a single piece of wrapping paper has been ripped. He settles in his seldom used dog bed by the fireplace, ready to watch the spectacle. And truly, it is  _ quite _ a show. It’s a flurry of wrapping paper and tissue paper, of disgruntled huffs as the kids try to open taped boxed and delighted shrieks when a new present is finally unearthed. 

Becca is admiring her new ballet shoes and hair ribbons, Mollie trying to get Scott to let her put on her new hockey skates, and Nathan is modeling his new wooden farm animals, all of them surrounded by a bunch of clothes and toys when Tessa starts bringing out more presents from behind the couch. “Darlings, I know you’re having fun but we still have a few more to open!”

Scott cocks his head before realizing that, in all the excitement, he forgot about the gifts the kids got him and Tessa. All the kids, surprisingly, jump to their feet and grab at the presents they’ve helped wrap. She tries to send the kids his direction first but Scott shakes his head and says, “I think Tessa should open her presents first. She hasn’t opened anything!”

Tessa rolls her eyes but her face goes wonderfully soft when Becca says, “good idea, Daddy! Tessa, open mine first please?” Nathan saddles up beside his mom and tries to unwrap it for her. Scott’s surprised when Tessa pulls it closer to her and out of Nathan’s reach for a moment, laughs a little when Tessa looks up at him after realizing what she did, his heart beating faster when her cheeks go red and she smiles, embarrassed. Becca’s fingers drum at the sides of her legs, nervous or excited or both, Scott isn’t too sure, and Mollie is just sitting at Tessa’s feet, waiting to give her present next. Out of the tiny box, Tessa pulls out three nail polishes: a blue, a red, and a sparkly green. “Maybe now we can paint our nails together.”

Scott is  _ definitely _ missing something because he in no way expects the way Tessa takes a staggering breath and then looks up at the ceiling like she’s trying not to cry. Becca fidgets even worse but Tessa comes back to herself pretty quickly. “You’re sure, Becca?” Tessa asks, nail polish clutched to her chest as if they’re precious. 

Becca nods and Scott hadn’t realized how badly he tensed up until he relaxes after Becca does. “I think it might be nice,” his daughter admits, voice hushed.

Tessa hugs Becca tight but keeps it short, for whose benefit Scott isn’t sure. Probably the both of them. “Thank you.” 

Mollie pops up. “Mine next!”

The reaction to the cookbook is less emotional but no less subdued than the nail polish. “Oh, Mollie! How did you know that I wanted this?” Tessa flips open the hardback, fingers running over the glossy pages. “Did you know that they measure things differently? See this?” Tessa’s finger double taps a recipe. “Mary Berry’s recipe calls for grams and milliliters. That means I’ll have to weigh the ingredients.”

Mollie looks up at Tessa, eyes wide. He can tell she wants to climb into Tessa’s lap but is just managing to restrain herself. “Instead of using cups and tsps?” 

He chuckles at Mollie’s use of the abbreviation, something she’s done ever since the kids watched  _ Sleeping Beauty _ , as Tessa nods. “Teaspoons, and yes, that’s exactly right! We’ll each have to pick a recipe we like to start with.” Mollie flips through the pages, glossy desserts looking back at them. “Oh, Mollie, look, we do still use tablespoons and teaspoons!”

Becca nudges Nathan and he proudly puts his present in Tessa’s lap. “He picked it out himself,” Becca says regretfully. She had been less than pleased with Nathan’s present choice for his mom.

Laughter is bubbling out of Tessa before she even fully unwraps the present. “What a stinker you are,” Tessa giggles, leaning to rub her nose affectionately against Nathan’s. Scott doesn’t understand until Tessa has Nathan bring over the present he picked out for him and Scott opens the exact same kind of socks that Nathan got Tessa. 

Nathan looks between them so proudly and Scott can only throw his head back and laugh. “Cow socks,” Nathan exclaims, so utterly pleased with his gift giving that Scott has to scoop him up in a hug.

“Thanks, kiddo.” His laugh melts when Nathan presses a kiss, loud and wet, to his cheek. He holds Nathan a little tighter and hopes he doesn’t start crying.

Becca comes up next with her present but Mollie cuts her off and announces, “Daddy, mine next!” Becca doesn’t pout but she does roll her eyes as she settles onto the floor in front of Scott. Nathan crawls over to her to make room for Mollie and suddenly, Becca seems okay with how everything played out. Inside the small box Mollie put in his hands is a pack of brand new of carpenter’s pencils, though the ends have been painted, the letters S, B, and M adorning them in shakey script that must have been done by his youngest herself. 

“These are so great!” He pulls Mollie into his lap as he inspects each pencil, already sharpened perfectly. His finger traces over the M, slightly raised from the paint. “These are exactly what I needed! How did you know?”

Simply, Mollie answers, “Cause you kept taking my pencils from my pencil case.” Tessa snorts from her spot on the floor. 

“Mine now, Daddy,” Becca insists.

Underneath the shiny wrapping is Mike Babcock’s book, one he’s wanted for a while now but never got around to grabbing. He pulls her in for a hug just as tight as he’s hugged all the others. “Oh, my Becca girl, you always know just the right book to pick.” Becca presses her smile into his neck and hugs him back just as fiercely.

“What about that present?” Mollie asks, finger pointed at Tessa’s vanity.

“Would you guys like to unwrap it for me?” The kids don’t need to be asked twice and it seems like within seconds the stained wood is laid bare, all of the details finally on display for Tessa to see. Her breath catches as she soaks it up, fingers tracing the delicate swirls and flowers he’s carved into the drawers, rubbing against the polished handles and knobs. He hopes he gets to see her face when she finds where he carved Nathan and Jonathan’s names into the wood. “Isn’t it so beautiful, kids,” she murmurs as she sits down in front of the mirror. From his spot, he can see her face, bare and open and beautiful, and he so badly wants to hug her, to kiss her, but he can’t do that in front of the kids. Scott isn’t even sure he can trust himself to touch her right now. He wouldn’t be able to stop. “Your daddy did such a wonderful job.”

God, it still makes his stomach do flips to hear her call him that, ridiculous as it is. 

Mollie goes to her tippy-toes next to Tessa, effectively blocking Tessa’s face from his view. He clears his throat and starts working on picking up all the wrapping paper. It looks like a tornado swept through the living room. “Tessa, what’d you get Daddy for Christmas?”

Tessa turns on the stool and catches Scott’s eye. He thinks she looks a little regretful but mostly nervous, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. “It wasn’t something I could wrap,” she says sadly. “So we all have to bundle up to go see.”

Out in the back, Tessa leads the way to the pool house. The kids follow her like little ducklings, their feet stomping into the prints that Tessa leaves in the snow, each one of them looking ridiculous in their big winter coats and hats and boots, the flannel of their pajamas the only thing not swallowing them whole. Marner is busy weaving his way through them, the new chew toy that Santa left in his stocking squeaking with every move of the dog’s jaw. Scott really has no clue what could be inside. Last he and Tessa talked about it, that’s where all the pool supplies were going to go in the summer along with all the out of season sports equipment. It probably is the ideal hiding spot for a present and he’s suddenly struck by the fact that instead of artfully hiding the kids’ presents in the nooks and crannies of the house, they could have hid them out here. He files that away for next year.

Tessa stops at the door and he can see her hands working in the pockets of her coat. She stands to the side, gets the kids out of the way as well, then takes a deep breath and tells him to look inside.

It looks nothing like it did before.

His hand clutches tighter around the brass knob even as he steps into the room, eyes not stopping to focus for a single second. Gone are all the things they decided to store in there and in their place, the workshop of his dreams. There’s shelving and hooks and ample space for all his saws, drawers built into a work table that looks like it might be on wheels. It’s been painted a nice, soft white, a contrast with all the dark wood that’s been added to hold up all his lumber and tools.

The kids have filed in too, oohing and awing, but Tessa stays right outside as he takes it all in. “It’s okay if you don’t like it,” she whispers. “You could like your workshed perfectly right now but I couldn’t figure out what to get you.” When he turns to look at her, she’s digging the toe of her boot into the snow. “I actually got you a watch first, only that seemed so generic? And then I got this idea and second-guessed myself the entire time. I didn’t want to bring in any of your stuff, either, because, well, that’s your space and I didn-”

She actually has to take a step back he hugs her so tight. “I could kiss you right now,” he says in her ear, just for her to hear. 

He can feel her relax against him, a soft, relieved sigh in his own ear. “It’s okay?”

He pulls back, hand cupping the back of her neck. God, he wants to take her face in his hands and kiss her senseless. He wants to tell her he loves her. He can feel something like guilt creeping up his back when he wonders to himself how he got so lucky to have found her, but he shakes it off because it is Christmas and Sarah never once showed an interest in his carpentry and Tessa built him a workshop. 

Scott presses his forehead against hers, the little clouds of air that escape their mouths twisting together before they disappear. “It’s more than okay. It’s, it’s, it’s brilliant and amazing and I can’t even figure out how you had this done without me noticing.”

She laughs and it hits him square in the face, warming him like she is the sun. “I could ask you the same about my vanity.”

He hugs her close again, scared he won’t be able to keep his mouth away from hers. “Thank you.” He bites his tongue when he feels it forming the word love.

Her fingers curl into his hair, tuck into the neck of his coat to wrap around the fabric of his shirt. “Merry Christmas, Scott.”

“Merry Christmas, Tess.”

—

Tessa stands at the door to her room, freshly showered after the impromptu snowball fight they had before coming back inside, her Christmas dress flaring at her knees, and listens.

Scott’s shower is still going. There is a rustle of crisp book pages coming from Becca’s room. Whirring of the toy drill from Mollie’s. Nathan’s oinking to go along with the carved pigs he received from Scott. Marner’s snores as he lays out on his back in front of the gate. A dull thud that disrupts the dog’s snoozing followed by an “oof” in Mollie’s unmistakable voice, the noise from her toy cut off. “I’m okay,” she yells at the same time a strangled grunt comes from Becca, the sound of a hardback book getting slammed shut. Nathan laughing at something so hard that he snorts which makes him giggle harder.

What a beautiful soundtrack to her life, she thinks. 

The shower turns off and now she can hear the faint sounds of Scott singing, the final and missing piece to the symphony that is this morning.

With a breath, she steps down into the hall, turning first to make sure that Nathan is dressed in the outfit he opened this morning. His sweater vest is on inside out, proof that he hadn’t let Scott help him with everything. She thinks to put it right but then Nathan grins up at her, pushing his nose up so it looks like a pig’s and oinks, loud and roarous. “Kiss please, little piggie,” she asks and Nathan jumps to his feet to give his mother a kiss. After Nathan’s room is Mollie’s and she too is already in the Christmas outfit she and Scott picked out for her. Hers, however, is paired with unruly wet hair and her new gloves that light up in neon colors on the fingers. Hand her a glow stick, and Tessa thinks Mollie would pass for a festival child or maybe someone gearing up for a rave. “Mollie, are you leaving your hair like that?”

Mollie spins on her toes, one hand going to her hip and the other into the air where she clicks the drill twice. There’s no smothering down the laugh that comes from Tessa. “Nope,” she answers, dancing to a soundtrack that must only be playing in her head, one with a different beat than Tessa hears. “Can I have the, the…” she’s pointing to her head like Tessa will understand until she seems to remember. “Crown braid! Can you do that please?”

No wonder Scott didn’t do it himself. She hasn’t taught him that one yet.

Mollie already has all the supplies on her bed so Tessa settles down next to them, wide toothed comb in her hands as Mollie stands between her legs. Even though the little girl is a bundle of energy most of the time, she goes still the minute Tessa’s fingers touch her hair. It lets Tessa work quickly and efficiently while Mollie busies herself telling Tessa all about the experiments she wants to try in the science kit they got for the kids to share. They’re going to have a busy few days ahead of them as the kids tear into their presents in earnest.

She’s just finished tucking the final pin when Becca comes in, dress slack at the shoulders. “I can’t reach the zipper.” She follows the twirl of Tessa’s finger and, once Becca pulls her hair over her shoulder, Tessa slides the zipper up easily. “Could you put my hair into a bun?”

“Are you not going to wear a hat to your grandma’s,” Tessa asks even as she already starts to gather Becca’s hair up.

“Um.” She fidgets in a way that Tessa has come to expect from Mollie. “You know how you let me borrow your pink hat?”

Tessa smiles, taking all of Becca’s hair into one of her hands so that she can give the little girl’s shoulder a squeeze. “That hat will definitely fit over your bun. Good choice.”

There’s an audible exhale from Becca as she relaxes and stands still as Tessa expertly twists her hair into a perfect ballerina bun. 

Soon, everyone is ready and gathered by the front door, the kids all begging to take more than one present with them. The girls insist they have to show their cousins while Nathan wants to show his nana and his grammy, but Scott stands his ground with all three and reminds them that their new toys will get lost in the shuffle. 

It’s weird to be parting instead of piling into one car. Nathan follows the girls to the van, a little pep in his step Tessa notices, and a funny sort of feeling that settles under her skin when she has to tell him that they’re going to Nana’s. He looks up at her, face scrunched up in confusion under his hat and glasses. “No, Nana was yesterday.”

“Yes, we did go to Nana’s yesterday. And we’re going again now! Grammy and Grandpa are going to meet us there.” She watches as Nathan’s eyes light up only to dim as he looks at Scott helping the girls buckle up. “Hey,” she starts, kneeling down to Nathan’s eye level, hand going out to steady herself against the car. “After lunch, we’re going to go meet up with Scott and the girls at their grandma’s house. That will be so nice, won’t it?”

He doesn’t seem completely convinced until Mollie yells from the van as the door is closing, “See you later, Nate!”

Scott scoops Nathan up and puts him in his car seat, pressing a kiss to his head. “I’ll see you later, buddy. My mom has presents she wants to see you open.”

Even though she can’t see his face, Tessa can hear the wonderment in Nathan’s voice when he says, “More presents?!”

Scott chuckles. “Yep, more presents! What a lucky boy you are!” Scott moves out of the way so that Tessa can buckle Nathan in and once the door is closed, he pulls her into a hug. “I know you will, but drive safe.”

“You too.” She tucks her head in his neck and presses her lips against the skin she finds. It’s not a kiss, her lips don’t even purse, but he still shivers and she feels better with that simple brush of her skin against his. “Text me to let me know you’ve made it,” she asks when she pulls back and he promises on the condition she do the same.

Unlike yesterday, she beats everyone but Jordan over to their mom’s. She’s standing on the porch like she was waiting for Tessa to pull up and she’s at Tessa’s door before the car is even turned off. “Mom opened the wine early,” she says in lieu of anything else. “She’s trying to make cranberry sauce.” Tessa curses under her breath as her head drops down to the steering wheel. “She wants to prove that hers is just as good as Marian’s.” Jordan hiccups. “I may also have been joining in on the drinking. Solidarity and all that.”

“Auntie Jo, look!” Jordan leans in to look in the backseat, invading Tessa’s space but silently apologizing with a kiss to her cheek. “Scott made piggies!”

“Wow! Those are great! What color are those, Nathan?”

Tessa can feel the toes of Nathan’s feet just skim across the back of her seat. “Pink!”

By the time Kevin arrives, Tessa is fluttering around the kitchen, doing her best to talk her mother out of finishing the cranberry sauce. It hasn’t been easy because, even though Nathan is an excellent distraction most of the time, Kate looks like she might cry whenever Tessa tries to get her out of the kitchen. Jordan is only mildly helpful, joining in that Kate really should rest but tacking on, “Marian’s cranberry sauce is always stellar so there’s no need to bother, Mom,” which only makes their mom drain her glass of wine behind a glare.

Kevin sets his hands on Tessa’s shoulders, stopping her in place. “Should I tackle Mom or Nathan?”

“Hug first.” Her older brother wastes no time and hugs her tight around the shoulders while keeping his body away from her belly like the weirdo he is. It makes her laugh though, which makes him look a little less worried than when he first walked in. “Deal with Mom. She’s always better with you guys.” She’s never said it so plainly before, let alone in front of their mom, but it’s an undeniable truth. There is the person Kate was when she was married and young and happy. Then, there is the person Kate is now, the one that is divorced and older and the kind of happy that’s born from unhappiness. Casey and Kevin had the first Kate. Jordan got a solid mix of both. Tessa can barely remember the first Kate. They were just getting acquainted when the divorce happened and Kate started changing.

“I do not treat the boys different,” Kate snips from where she’s bent in front of the open oven. There’s a squelch as she bastes the turkey. “All of you get treated the same way. I do  _ not _ put anyone above the others.”

She and Kevin look at Jordan at the same time and all three of them mouth, “ _ Except Jonathan _ .” Jordan snorts into her wine glass and Kevin chuckles under his breath before starting to work his magic. “We’re just teasing, Mom. We know you love us all the same.”

Tessa uses the distraction Kevin provides to get Jordan and Nathan into the living room. Marian and Frank will be here soon. They know how her family is but this Christmas feels different. It  _ is _ different. She wants it to feel as close to perfect as she can make it for them. The baby kicks, because of course she does. Her little one certainly has a knack for timing already. She pats her belly, right over where she can feel the baby pressing, and thinks, yeah, this Christmas is not going to be anywhere near perfect for her in-laws, but she’s going to try regardless. 

Her mom’s voice carries but the words don’t, so all she can hear is the shrillness to it. Jordan huffs from her spot on the floor where she’s playing with Nathan. “I don’t know what’s with her today.”

Tessa sinks down onto the couch. “You know how she gets about Marian.” Christmas has always been a delicate time but it seems that without Jonathan here to level everything out, they’re scrambling. He was always so good at smoothing her mom out. 

Jordan shrugs into her glass of wine. “It’s worse this year. She’s never tried to make Marian’s signature dish.”

The doorbell rings and Tessa gets up to beat her mom to the door. 

Frank looks happy, little specks of snow dotting his moustache, a bottle of wine Tessa wishes he hadn’t brought tucked in the corner of his arm that isn’t holding onto Marian’s. Her mother-in-law looks worse off, tired in a way she hasn’t seen in a while, but a genuine smile on her face. Even though she knows the arrival of her in-laws is going to send everything further off balance, Tessa exhales at the sight of them, feeling a bit more grounded. “Merry Christmas,” she greets, falling into Frank’s arms for a hug eagerly.

He surprises her when he gives her stomach a pat. “Doing a great job there, Tess.”

She blushes and her eyes cut to Marian who looks almost longingly at Tessa’s belly. She murmurs her thanks as she ushers them inside, adds, without really thinking, “I’m sorry for my mom.”

Marian puts her bags into Frank’s waiting hands so she can take off her scarf and coat. “What for, dear?”

Kevin emerges from the kitchen and slings an arm around Tessa’s shoulders. “I got her to nix the cranberry sauce, but it came at the price of another bottle of wine.”

Frank looks between them all. “Were we not supposed to bring the cranberries?”

“We always bring the cranberries,” Marian answers.

“Grammy!” Nathan bounces into the entry going straight for Frank once he sees him. “Grandpa! Merry Christmas!”

Tessa takes Marian’s scarf from her just to have something to do with her hands. “I don’t know what’s up with her but it’s going to be an interesting Christmas I think.” She puts the scarf on one of the hooks by the door and Marian hangs her coat on top of it.

“After last year,” Marian starts before she pauses and Tessa watches Marian stare down at her boots for a long moment, face hidden by her hair. When she looks back up, throat working around a lump in her throat, one Tessa feels growing in her own, Marian shakes her head. “Your family were rock stars last year, Tessa. Your mom deserves to have a less than perfect one this year.”

Tessa straightens, blinks twice. It never occurred to her that maybe her mom was experiencing the loss of Jonathan in a way she hadn’t last year because she was doing everything she could to keep Tessa afloat, to help Frank and Marian be the grandparents they couldn’t be at the time.

Marian smiles, for a moment still looking tired before her face transforms and Tessa watches as she suddenly brightens, relaxes, pulls herself together into someone untouched by the lingering grief and pain that swirls inside her still. She gives Nathan a big kiss then grabs the bottle of wine from Frank. “Kevin, grab that bag of food for me? Let’s go help your mom.” Tessa can hear Marian murmuring a Hail Mary under her breath before she pushes open the kitchen door with a cheery, “Merry Christmas, Kate!”

Frank has Nathan in his arms when he steps next to Tessa. “One hell of a woman I married,” he says, so fond that Tessa can’t even find it in her to scold him for cursing with Nathan so close.

“An angel among men,” Tessa returns, a smile in the corner of her lips. “Come on, come in and relax. Jordan’s also been keeping up with Mom, but Jordan is much less emotional.”

Frank laughs. “Have her lips turned red yet?” At Tessa’s nod, he claps, once, and the noise echoes in the entry. Nathan tries to mimic him. “Perfect! That’s when she teaches me her poker secrets!” He takes the bag of presents and Nathan and shouts, “Jordan, is that girlfriend of yours around so I can finally meet her?”

Tessa shakes her head, smile growing. She wonders if Ashley will ever be referred to as her friend anymore, whether she and Jordan are long term or not.

For the next half hour or so, everything seems to be going smoothly. Nathan is in heaven playing with Frank, Jordan, and Kevin but he also makes time to stop to FaceTime with Casey’s family and wish them a Merry Christmas from where they celebrate across town with Megan’s family. Marian comes in and out of the kitchen, mostly to refill glasses and Tessa is thankful that her mom hasn’t decided to go off on Marian in her slightly altered state. Or, at least, Marian doesn’t seem like Kate has said anything hurtful. Tessa thinks she would have heard the yelling anyway.

“Lunch should only be a half hour more,” Kate announces, filled glass in hand, bottle in the other. Tessa tried to catch Marian’s eye behind her mom, but her mother-in-law just smiles and acts like this Christmas isn’t painful in the least bit. Marian settles on the floor and Nathan crawls over to her, making his pig ‘walk’ beside him. “What a cute little pig! Did Santa bring that for you?” Marian asks as she gathers Nathan into her lap.

Kate settles next to Tessa and it feels like she’s stepped into a vineyard. “Kevin, get everyone’s presents, please.”

Kevin rifles around under the tree as Nathan exclaims, “Nope! Scott made for me!”

Her mom’s lips turn into a sad sort of smirk before she drains the rest of her glass. 

Marian nods, slow, her smile tightening. “How lovely. Did you thank him?” Nathan responds with an oink that he assures his Grammy means yes.

Kevin passes out presents, Nathan naturally ending up with the biggest stack. He waits for the go ahead from Tessa before digging in, delighted by all his spoils. From Kevin, he gets a variety of dress up clothes, and Jordan gives him another present, this time a new pair of glasses that leaves Tessa wondering how on earth her sister figured out Nathan’s prescription. Her mom gives him a lego set that is much too advanced for his age but it’s an amazing looking barn that her boy absolutely falls in love with. Nathan nearly ignores the rest of the presents in favor of trying to pry the box open. “Too many little pieces,” Tessa tells him, staying strong against his pout. “You have more to open. We’ll play with this later.”

His face brightens once he opens up the biggest present from his grandparents, a set of magnatiles that Tessa actually considered buying for all the kids. “Open this one, please?”

Tessa relents but tells Nathan to thank everyone first.

With Nathan occupied, the adults open their own gifts with Nathan only offering help when a particularly colorful piece of wrapping paper catches his eye. Her mom and Marian exchange their usual “this is  _ not _ passive aggressive, Tessa” gifts, Kate receiving a cherry scented candle (a scent she hates) with Marian receiving cherry scented lotion (a lotion she won’t use because the scent gives her migraines). Frank, of course, gets a new pack of golf balls and tees, same as every year, the only one ever pleased with the standard gift her mom gives him. 

The Virtue kids themselves make out like bandits and once Kate, Frank, and Marian open their gifts, her mother announces that lunch should be done. Tessa pushes herself up to help even though Marian tries to insist she sit, but she knows her mom could use a breather from her mother-in-law. 

And judging how Jordan is frowning down at her phone and finishing off another bottle of wine, her sister is in no shape to help.

Lunch starts off wonderfully. The food is delicious, the sauvignon blanc and the merlot being consumed at a much slower rate, Nathan is greedily eating the green beans he usually hates. Everyone seems to be enjoying the company until Marian turns to Tessa to ask about the baby.

It’s an innocent question, just checking in to see if the restlessness has started up in her legs like it did in her pregnancy with Nathan, but it seems to send her mom into a bit of a tizzy. “You know,  _ I’m _ so happy to have another granddaughter.” Her mom picks up her knife to cut up her turkey into a bite-sized piece. “There’s something special about girls,” she continues. Her eyes cut to her son. “Sorry, Kevin.”

Her brother shrugs with an easy smile as he eats some mashed potatoes. “Once Jo and Tessa came, that meant Casey and I could stop dressing alike.” Under his breath he adds, “Thank god.”

Marian shifts in her seat. Tessa doesn’t know who to go to first. Part of her wants to find Marian’s hand and hold it, to let her know, however silently, that she’s sorry for her mom, that she’s sorry that Jonathan isn’t this baby’s father, that she desperately wishes for Marian to consider this baby her granddaughter anyway. She wants to convey that she knows that might be, probably is, something impossible for Marian to consider, and that she understands that, as much as it may sting. The other part of her wants to stop her mom with a hand to her wrist, a foot to her calf. She shouldn’t be gloating about having a grandchild that isn’t Marian’s when, if the world was a different place, this wouldn't be happening at all. This baby would be his and he’d be sitting beside her, making peace between their mothers, and Tessa would have no idea about Scott or Becca or Mollie or any of the Moirs at all.

A sharp pain settles behind her eyes, radiating out into her temples. Tessa takes a long drink of her water. She wants to swallow down that entire train of thought. This is what she wanted with Jonathan, yes. Desperately. But the thought of not having Scott and the girls and his family in her life makes her feel so hollow and sick.

She can hear the rest of the table talking and the tension between her mom and Marian is sandwiching her in. Marian’s hand touches Tessa’s elbow, soft, and Tessa knows she’s being asked a question but she can’t make it out. Her headache worsens at the same time Kate says, “She is my daughter and that is  _ my _ granddaughter and I think I would know what they need.”

“ _ Stop it,” _ Tessa barks out, louder than she intended. She looks at Nathan first over in Jordan’s lap, her muscles relaxing just a fraction when she finds him staring at her curiously instead of scared. Jordan’s rubbing steady circles on his back and holds him a little closer and it’s enough to make Tessa push on. “This Christmas was supposed to be  _ better _ ,” she says to her mom. Kate looks shocked, eyes glassy and red from all the wine she’s had. Tessa can see her mom trying to work out a response, an apology or an excuse, but it doesn’t matter. “No. This isn’t better.”

“Tessa,” Kate starts, the name broken in two clear syllables, punctuated by the clink of her silverware being set on her plate. Marian echoes her name, too, this one softer, regretful and sad, and Tessa shakes her head, eyes squeezed shut. It makes her dizzy but she pushes back from the table anyway, tossing her napkin on her plate. “Sweetie,” her mother tries again. “Sit down, please.”

“Frank?” Her father-in-law is already out of his seat by the time Tessa says his name, crossing behind the two chairs that separate them and holding a hand out for her to take. “Can you help me gather up the presents, please?” He nods before pressing a kiss to her cheek and squeezing her hand tight the minute she puts hers in his.

Her mother starts crying and Kevin goes to tend to her. Tessa doesn’t fault him for it. Her brothers have always had a harder time seeing their mom cry than her or Jordan. Something to do with the different Kates, Tessa thinks. It’s not as if she likes upsetting her mom or wants to leave her crying, but Tessa has to protect herself too. Not only was her mom putting her in an awkward position, she was hurting Tessa in the process. 

Frank helps her load up her car in relative silence, the pair of them walking side by side down the drive to put the bags of presents in her trunk. She spends longer than she should making sure that everything is placed especially so, as if there’s anything breakable, not stopping until Frank sits on the bumper, hand going to still her own. “I’m sorry, Tess.”

She sniffs, her eyes suddenly full of unshed tears that she wishes she could blame on the wind whipping up. “I wanted you to have a better Christmas than last year,” she whispers.

“Oh, Tess,” Franks sighs, hint of a hollow laugh coloring his words. “That’s not your job. And anyway, we just want you and Nathan to have a better Christmas.”

A strangled whine comes from her throat. She looks down at her boots, catalogues all the imperfections. A scuff on the toe of her left one, her zipper not hanging straight on the right. “We have.” She says it like a confession, something to be ashamed of, something requiring absolution. Frank has earned the right of her honesty but it chokes her all the same. How can she tell him her Christmas was better while his son is still gone?

Frank stays silent until she’s brave enough to look at him and there her father in law is, looking back at her with a smile that reminds her so much of Jonathan’s, not an ounce of sadness in it. “Then I’ve already had a better Christmas than last year.” She has no reason not to trust him but how can she believe him? 

Tessa slumps down next to him, eagerly sinking into Frank’s side when he lifts his arm in invitation. He lets her cry for a moment, the tears running down her cheeks in silence, only disrupted when her nose starts to run and she has to sniff. A car drives by, the muted sound of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” heard through the rolled up windows. Frank reaches into his pocket and comes out with what looks like a balled up piece of tissue paper. He holds it in front of her. “What’s this?” She sits up a little straighter, only taking the tissue paper from him once he urges her to.

There’s more weight to it than she was expecting as it settles in her palm, a shape she can almost make out but not quite. “Go on and open it.”

Tessa peels back the layers carefully until she reveals a small glass ornament sitting in the middle of the tissue paper like the center of a flower. 

Before, Frank and Jonathan always exchanged ornaments for Christmas. It’s a tradition that started long before Tessa ever entered the picture, the details never fully explained to her. The ornament choices always seemed so random. She remembers Jonathan showing her the box of ones from before he went to college, a sparkling heap of everything from beavers decked out in Canada gear to a replica of Dali’s melted clocks. After university, or maybe during the last year of it, the ornaments were always location based. Jonathan would give his dad an ornament from Dallas, Frank would give him an ornament from Nice. 

The one in her hand now is from San Francisco. There’s the Golden Gate, a little trolley, the famous painted ladies. At the bottom, it says  _ I left my heart in San Francisco _ , except Frank has added  _ didn’t _ in between the first two words, the black sharpie a contrast to the red lettering.

“Do you know why we decided to give each other ornaments from different cities?” Tessa shakes her head. “I’ll admit, it started out because I couldn’t figure out  _ what _ to get him. Eventually, I settled on that one from Toronto, remember? The one with all the big buildings. Generic but up until that point there was no rhyme or reason to our picks. I figured Toronto would be nice since he was going to do that internship out there over spring break. I explained all that of course and that’s when he told me he wasn’t going to go.”

Tessa’s brow furrows. “But he did go.”

Frank nods. “At Christmas though he decided he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay with you. That Toronto, the ornament, was great but you were better.” 

She swallows hard, thankful that Frank holds her steady. “I would’ve been so mad… that was such a great opportunity for him.”

“Yeah, that’s what I told him,” he chuckles. “So he decided to go but made sure to remind me that nothing was ever gonna beat you.” Frank shrugs, the movement a little off since he refuses to let go of Tessa. “I ended up always picking out ornaments from places he had to go without you and every year he’d tell me wherever you were was where he wanted to be.” 

She’s started crying again, or maybe she never really stopped. She’s sad and happy and everything in between and she doesn’t really know what to say except, “thank you.” Making sure she has a good grip on the ornament, Tessa turns to hug Frank the best she can, her belly getting in the way, only it seems neither one of them care because Frank just holds her tight. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Tess.” He presses a kiss to her hair. “And I know Jonathan is happy that your Christmas is better than last year.” Tessa’s not quite as certain as Frank is of this, but the possibility of it settles within her, makes her feel a little warmer after the coldness at the dinner table. “Would you like me to drive you to Scott’s folks?”

Tessa knows he’d do it, happily too, but she shakes her head as she pulls back, bringing her freezing hands up to wipe away the tears that have gone down her cheeks and gathered along the underside of her jaw. “No, I’ll be fine. I promise.” Frank doesn’t look convinced and she leaves a kiss on his cheek, his skin every bit as cold as hers. “You know I wouldn’t even attempt if I had the tiniest doubt.”

He smiles. “I know.” He helps her up even though she doesn’t need it, then pulls down the trunk. “Let’s go get our boy, shall we?”

  
  
  


Tessa turns off the car and immediately turns to Jordan. “Please don’t be like Mom.”

Her sister wasn’t supposed to come with her and Nathan tonight but Jordan said she couldn’t stand to stay at Kate’s and she was in no shape to drive herself home. Both Kevin and Marian and Frank offered to drop her at home but Kevin needed to stay with their mom and Tessa thought her in-laws put up with enough this Christmas.

The front door of the Moir house opens up and out comes Scott, a steaming mug in his hands. “Tess, I promise I’ve sobered up a bit,” Jordan says, flipping down the visor so she can look at herself in the mirror. Carefully, her sister puts on the same lipstick Tessa is wearing now, the perfect shade to cover up wine stained lips. “I won’t embarrass you.”

Scott knocks on Jordan’s window, surprising both of them which makes Nathan giggle from his car seat. She has to admit, she’s just as surprised that Nathan is still awake. Tessa thought for sure that he’d pass out on the drive to Ilderton.

Jordan gives an awkward wave and Scott opens up her door, the smell of coffee hitting Tessa square in the face. She misses coffee. “Strong enough to put hair on your chest,” he announces proudly. “Or, you know, sober you up quick.” He shrugs, half grin on his face.

“A godsend,” Jordan murmurs directly into the cup. Tessa doesn’t know if she means Scott or the coffee.

Scott closes the door to protect them from the chill before going around to get Nathan out of his seat. “It’s just my brothers and their families here now.” He reaches over the back of the seat to give Tessa’s shoulder a squeeze. “Probably for the best that Jordan doesn’t get hit with  _ all _ the Moirs her first time out.”

Jordan lets out a refreshed sigh, the mug Scott brought now empty. “I knew you liked me.”

“Where are my sisters?” Nathan asks. Tessa can see her boy straining to look around Scott like he thinks the girls are close behind their dad.

“They’re inside, buddy. It is so cold out here! That’s why we gotta hurry up and get out of the car.” Scott pauses. “Nathan, did you get new glasses?” He turns to make eye contact with Tessa in the rear view mirror, obviously confused.

“Auntie Jo gave them!” Nathan’s smile is huge and Jordan herself looks very proud. “For Christmas,” Nathan adds, just in case any of them were confused.

“They look great!”

Nathan easily goes into Scott’s arms once he’s freed from the straps on his car seat, settling on Scott’s hip. “Do I look beautiful?” Nathan asks while Scott helps him get his thick winter coat back on for the trip from the car to the house.

Tessa turns in her seat, face smooshed a little between the headrest and the frame of the car, eager to see Nathan’s inquisitive expression and being rewarded with the addition of Scott very seriously nodding as he answers, “Absolutely gorgeous.”

Jordan stays by Tessa’s side on the way up to the house, Nathan still content with Scott. Tessa intends to stay by Jordan’s side throughout the introductions but the minute they get into the Moir entryway, Becca and Mollie attack.

“Tessa,” Mollie exclaims, arms wrapping as far around Tessa as they’ll go. “And baby!” Mollie kisses her stomach before she looks straight up. “Grandma and Grandpa bought me a  _ robot _ ! I taught it how to walk!”

Becca is much more subdued but still just as pressing. “Tessa, did you ever read Roald Dahl? I don’t like reading more than one book at a time but I got all of his books as a present and now I’m half way through  _ Matilda _ . Why would anyone hate books so much?!”

“Girls! Let Tessa in the door first, please,” Alma chastises. She’s wiping her hands on the half apron around her waist, an easy smile on her face. She has an ugly holiday sweater on that Tessa thinks is genuine and it somehow endears Tessa even more to Scott’s mom. After giving Tessa a tight hug, Alma turns to Jordan. “Oh, wow, you must definitely be Tessa’s sister.” Jordan holds out her hand which Alma promptly waves off. “We’re huggers. Sorry.” Alma ends up taking Jordan by the arm to introduce her to everyone. Her sister looks slightly unnerved at the prospect of going around without Tessa but that’s what she gets for deciding to get drunk with their mom. 

Nathan can barely manage to get out of his boots, too busy trying to get the girls’ attention and failing. “You’re gonna fall,” Scott warns. Nathan pauses, considering, then sits down so Scott can help him properly and safely. 

Tessa unwinds her scarf, hat already in her fist. “You taught it how to walk? That’s so great, Mollie, I can’t wait to see.” She unbuttons her coat and hangs it on a hook. “And it’s been a long time since I read  _ Matilda _ but I had the exact same thought, Becca!” 

Scott puts an arm up for her to steady herself on and Tessa makes quick work of her boots. Nathan stacks his next to the door then takes hers, putting them beside his own. He works his way in between the girls, who are still eagerly telling Tessa what she’s missed, and says, calm as ever, “Mama yelled at Nana’s.”

Both Scott and Becca look at her while Mollie laughs, the implication going over her head. “Grandma yelled at Grandpa! He dropped a pie.”

“Tess?” Her name comes from Scott but it’s Becca who slides her hand into Tessa’s free one, smaller hand holding tight.

Tessa sighs, a kind smile on her face for the benefit of Becca more than anything. “It’s okay. I’m okay. Christmas can just make us miss people.”

Becca squeezes her hand and nods. Tessa wishes Becca didn’t understand what she means.

“Kiddos, let’s go into the living room. Maybe Nathan wants some hot chocolate.” Scott hangs back as all their kids head off in search of warm drinks and, once the coast is clear, pulls Tessa into a hardy hug. She can feel him nearly everywhere and it makes her sink into him, her head ducking underneath his chin. He smells like cinnamon. “Wanna talk now or later?”

“Later.” Her hands find his hips, fingers sinking into the skin she manages to find between his jeans and his shirt. “I want to finish Christmas out happy.”

“Roger that.” He sneaks a quick kiss just above her ear before taking her hand.

The living room is filled with people, all smiling and laughing, except for Charlie who seems to be battling with putting together a dollhouse. Jordan has Nathan on her lap, happily chatting with Alma and the other Tessa and all the kids are playing together, their toys for the most part being shared.

Nathan slides away from his aunt and braves all the excitement to get to Tessa. He tries to wiggle his hand in between hers and Scott’s until Scott gently reminds Nathan to use his words. “Can I hold Mama’s hand?” Scott smiles and lets go but she doesn’t feel the loss because then there’s Nathan’s tiny hand in her own, feeling a little sticky. He has a hot chocolate moustache too. She wonders how much he’s had but doesn’t dwell on it long because then Nathan is grabbing Scott’s hand too and swinging their hands back and forth. “Mama, we can open presents?” It comes out somewhere between a question and an excited statement.

Becca is digging below the Christmas tree, the poor thing looking wilted from the weight of all the ornaments hanging from it’s branches. She emerges with two boxes, both about the same size with big purple bows on top. Carefully Becca balances the boxes in her arms. “These are from Grandma and Grandpa,” she explains when she reaches them, little arms quaking under the weight of the gifts. Scott helps, taking the top present until Tessa sits down in the nearest chair, Nathan in her lap as best he can be. His fingers dig into the paper to no avail, not able to dig underneath the well taped seams. “I can help.”

“Thanks,” Nathan chirps. Together, they get the present unwrapped and, over their heads, Tessa looks at Scott to find him with the same soft expression Tessa knows is on her own face. He looks proud of his girl, proud of her boy, only, in her head, Tessa finds herself thinking he looks proud of  _ their _ kids.

Her hands tighten around Nathan’s waist, his little body wiggling the more his present is revealed from beneath the wrapping paper, as she considers Becca, looks across the room to Mollie. It’s not the first time she’s referred to the kids as their but it feels different. Maybe it’s too soon to feel this way, a near constant problem Tessa is encountering, but looking at the girls who didn’t come from her, who only entered her life when it was completely upside down, all she can feel is waves of love and protectiveness and pride. Tessa will never want to be anything more to them than they want her to be, but Tessa can feel it drumming in her veins that she would do anything for them, that there isn’t a shred of difference between them and Nathan and the new baby.

Scott’s hand comes to rest right at the juncture of her neck, a firm, steadying squeeze. She licks her lips, sniffs when she notices her nose about to start running, and she laughs as she catches Scott’s eye again, a little embarrassed by her own emotions. 

Except he looks just as teary as she feels. Maybe he reached out to steady himself just as equally as she needed the grounding.

By the end of the night, when this new, patched together family of hers is safe in their beds, Scott beside her in her bed, all Tessa can think is that this Christmas was good. It wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, and tomorrow she’s going to have to talk to her mom and her in-laws, but as Christmas comes to a quiet end, Tessa can only remember the smiling faces of their kids, the warmth she felt watching them open their gifts and playing outside with them, Scott’s hand in hers. 

Scott kisses his way from her chest to her lips once his pajama pants are back on. “Goodnight, Tess,” he whispers. She can still feel his smile against hers. “Merry Christmas.” He leaves for his own room after she returns the sentiments.

Christmas was good, but not perfect. Not at all. But there are more Christmases to come.

—

New Year’s Eve has, like most everything, been a big deal in the Moir household for as long as Scott can remember. It was always another excuse to get everyone together, even the Moirs who moved away from Ontario, and Scott can remember the feeling of excitement running through him when he was a kid because it was always a night he felt like a grown up. It didn’t matter what they had to do the next day, everyone was allowed to stay up as late as they could, eat a bunch of junk food, marathon movies and have snow fights in the backyard until it got so cold the kids made the decision on their own to go back inside.

Really, the day shouldn’t be considered a holiday, but Scott loves it all the same. He’s still filled with the same awe that he had as a child who would fall asleep wherever he landed, usually just short of midnight. 

Scott looks around the crowded basement, grinning at Becca leading a dance contest to some old Lady Gaga song that’s probably inappropriate for the kids. It’s not as if any of them get the context just yet anyway. All his nieces and nephews shake and wiggle along to the beat, his own girls going so crazy that he can’t see their faces at all, their hair wild and obscuring their smiles. Nathan sits comfortably on his hip, understandably overwhelmed by all the Moir energy. His head bobs along to the song, blonde curls bouncing with the motion, and Scott can just tell how much he wants to join in the fun. “I know you’re waiting for the snacks to be ready,” he says, his soft smile growing wider when Nathan is quick to look at him, “but do you want to dance with me?”

Nathan looks back at the group and it’s then that Mollie pulls out her imaginary lasso, a dance move Scott didn’t even know she knew and  _ must _ be courtesy of Danny. She waves excitedly at them when Scott doesn’t respond so he holds up one finger, telling her she has to wait. Nathan takes a bit of Scott’s shirt between his fingers, rubbing the material back and forth, looking every bit like Tessa as he contemplates the offer. “Not down, please,” is what the little boy settles on but Scott wants to make sure he’s understanding right.

“You’ll dance with me if I hold you?” 

Nathan nods and repeats, “Please.”

There’s a peal of excited laughter when Scott jumps in, both from around his legs and in his ear, Nathan decidedly enjoying the way Scott took his hand and started twisting them from side to side. Mollie has entered what appears to be some sort of break dance competition with Lainey and Luke, though it looks more like moves they do at hockey practice. Becca comes up behind Nathan, tickling him before taking Scott’s hand and twirling herself until he pulls her back. She doesn’t usually entertain him like this anymore but tonight she lets him lift her up onto his other hip, and it’s amazing to watch Becca reach across to encourage Nathan’s dance moves. He spins them around the room, waltzes a little messy in between all the inelegant but exuberant dancing from the other kids, until his oldest demands the freedom of the floor and Nathan asks to be put down too. 

He still stays close, just in case Nathan decides the group is still too much even with Becca holding his hand, but it’s obvious that he’s more than okay, boogieing right along with everyone else.

Scott slowly backs up and, sitting on the middle of the stairs, is Tessa with one of the dorkiest smiles he’s ever seen her wear, and she’s been giving him  _ a lot _ of those lately. “How long have you been sitting here,” he asks as he eases down a few steps below her.

“Long enough.” Her voice is that lovely sort of breathy that Scott knows intimately, a little rough too, matching the darkness swallowing her irises. “You’re so good with him,” she adds. She leans forward to run her hand through his hair, tugging when she reaches the back of his neck, not stopping until he groans. “I would climb on top of you right now if we were alone.”

He laughs as he knocks his shoulder against her knee. “Yeah, I gathered as much.” Despite the noise filling his parents’ dated basement, Scott can hear the shouting and feet fall upstairs, the adults having just as much fun as the kids. “How’s it looking up there?”

Even though Tessa’s been to a few family get-togethers now, none have had such copious amounts of booze flowing, not to mention the fact that New Year’s Eve also includes the most intense games of charades Scott has ever witnessed. It’s one he, his siblings, and cousins introduced, their contribution once they graduated from the basement to the main floor for the festivities, and each year is a battle to keep the trophy out of their parents’ hands. Judging by the time on his watch, nothing should be too out of pocket just yet, but he also knows that his family is full of surprises. 

Tessa doesn’t look regretful though, if not a little tired. “Your mom was just taking the food for the kids out of the oven and your aunt was trying to convince me that a sip of champagne won’t hurt.”

Scott sucks in a breath through his teeth. “Sorry,” he starts but Tessa is already shaking her head.

“She’s right, I’m just a worry wart.” She smiles and Scott can tell she really isn’t put off by it, that it’s only a fun tidbit to relay to him. “She and Cara seemed very excited about the spiked eggnog cake I made.”

He laughs as he nods. “They both go crazy over eggnog. They have drinking contests every Christmas Day.” Tessa looks absolutely horrified which only makes Scott laugh harder. 

The door at the top of the stairs opens, Nicole immediately yelling down that food’s ready. Before the kids can bum rush them, Scott is on his feet, easily pulling Tessa on to hers as well. “Mama,” Nathan squeals, pushing through the other kids so that he’s first up the steps, a move that makes Scott proud. “We were dancing!”

“I saw!” Nathan raises his arms to be lifted and before the frown can settle on Tessa’s face, Scott scoops up her son, throwing him over his shoulder. Mollie takes him by surprise, jumping on to his back, her hands and feet digging into his skin where they land until she’s steady enough to climb up and lay on his other shoulder. It knocks the wind out of him, his grunt audible, and Tessa is looking scared. “Mollie! You have to be careful!”

Mollie shakes her head. “Daddy can handle it.”

Becca snakes around his legs until she’s standing eye to eye with Mollie. “That doesn’t mean you should do it!”

He already knows where this is going, a standoff that he really doesn’t want to deal with, especially in the middle of the stairs with all his nieces and nephews antsy to pass them. “It’s very important to ask people if it’s okay to touch them, Mollie,” Tessa explains. “That’s why I ask you before I help you with anything, to make sure you’re comfortable with it. We don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially your daddy right?” At Mollie’s reluctant nod, Tessa turns her attention to Becca. “And Becca, I love how you stood up for your dad, but maybe it would be better if an adult explained why Mollie could make better choices.” Becca looks just as upset about being spoken to as Mollie did, but Scott knows that she can always be swayed with logic. “I know that when I was little, I didn’t like listening to my big sister.” It’s exactly what needed to be said to get Becca to relent, to nod and continue on her way upstairs.

“Hey guys,” Nathan says. Scott isn’t sure who the little boy on his shoulder is talking to, but he’s not making any effort to turn to talk to them so it must be the kids Nathan is facing. “Look what I can do!” There’s laughter then and Scott wonders just what exactly Nathan is doing. 

Tessa waves him up, scooting against the railing so that everyone can pass. Scott is nearly at the top step when Tessa shrieks, “Nathan, fingers out of your nose!”

 

Scott half expected Tessa to insist on staying with the kids all night. She’s protective, which isn’t something he can fault her for, especially given the fact that kids in his family tend to get into all kinds of hijinks, but this is definitely where his and Tessa’s parenting beliefs diverge. He’s content to let his girls learn by getting into trouble whereas Tessa hovers, stopping Nathan from doing something that could get him hurt. When it became clear that the adults were going to let the kids stay downstairs unsupervised, he was sure that Tessa would volunteer to stay with them.

And while Tessa does worry at her bottom lip, she lets Nathan go downstairs once she asks Becca to please hold his hand all the way down. “She’ll protect him,” Scott whispers when Tessa comes to rest her forehead on his shoulder. She lets him pull her into his side without complaint or worry. Maybe it’s because they’re the only ones left in the kitchen (Tessa had insisted on watching Becca walk Nathan down until they reached the bottom of the basement stairs) or maybe she just needs to be grounded more than she cares about what his family will think.

As if them cuddling would be the worst thing. They all know they’ve done a lot more than this.

“I know she will,” Tessa murmurs against his chest. “I’m just not used to my baby not needing me.” She pulls back to look at him and, oh, she looks so sad. “He didn’t even ask to go! He was going to follow Mollie straight down!” He doesn’t mean to laugh but one bubbles out of him all the same. It at least makes Tessa look annoyed instead of near tears and Scott gladly accepts the half hearted punch to his chest. “It’s not funny, that’s my baby, Scott!” He squeezes her closer, tighter. “How did you deal with this?”

He hums. “Well, with Becca, we had Mollie. So it’s a good thing we have this little one.” He can feel Tessa release a shadow of a laugh, a huff of amused air warming his shirt. “And with Mollie… well, Sarah needed help then.” At the time, he was mourning his inability to be there for everyone as much as they needed him to be. Mollie had always needed them less, his baby a firecracker from day one, but he felt like such a failure for not being there to watch her independence grow, to foster it more. He hated how thankful he was that his girls could manage to get by on those days Sarah needed him more. 

Tessa cups his cheek, guiding his face down to look at her. She’s sad again and he knows it’s partly his fault now but it’s not something he would change. Loving someone means showing them everything, letting them bare witness to the difficult, messy lows instead of just the joyous highs. He swallows hard. “I’m sorry. I should’ve realized…”

“It’s okay,” he assures her. He leans into her touch as she does the same, her stomach pressing firm against his. “Mollie never needed me or Sarah like Becca did. I know a lot of people say it’s because she had Becca to look up to, that younger siblings are always a bit more independent, but Mollie was something else. She held her bottle early, always insisted on feeding herself. God, she potty trained in, I swear, three days.” 

“And Becca?”

He closes his eyes and enjoys the way Tessa’s hand moves to his hair, her thumb rubbing at the shell of his ear. “Becca didn’t like being away from us. Even when she was starting to test and be more independent, she wanted us there, watching.”

Tessa’s smiling when he opens his eyes. “She wanted you to be proud.” He nods. After a moment, her smile shifts. It doesn’t disappear but it takes on something he can’t quite describe, her eyes dimming. “She reminds me a lot of me.” Tessa’s voice is so quiet that, between the laughter coming from the living room and the music coming from the basement, he has to strain to hear her. It’s as if she’s scared to admit it. And maybe Scott should be more afraid to hear that Tessa has such a strong connection with his daughter, but he isn’t. He doesn’t think Sarah would fault him for that either.

He can, however, imagine her shaking her head with that half affectionate, half annoyed grin of hers as she comments that he didn’t waste any time finding a steady presence for their girls.

As if she hadn’t told him to do just that last October.

“I see the similarities too,” he says, nuzzling his nose against hers. “I think it’s a good thing.”

He can hear Charlie and Sheri calling for them to play charades but then Tessa surprises him once more by tilting her chin to kiss him, her lips pressing hard against his own before they part, her tongue sweeping along the seam of his lips. She hadn’t even hesitated, hadn’t looked around to make sure there wasn’t a Moir peeking around a corner (maybe she’s already learned that Moirs don’t do anything quietly), just boldly kissed him in his mother’s kitchen with a house full of people. He cups the back of her head to bring her even closer against him, lets his tongue meet hers. It’s a little messy and a lot magical, her fingers dancing along the exposed skin over his jeans, his senses full of the smell of her perfume and the taste of her lips. 

He wonders if she’ll let him kiss her at midnight for everyone to see.

When they finally break apart, Tessa curls back against his chest until Charlie comes in the doorway, feet stomping with the weight of all the beers he’s already had. He does seem to realize this may not be the best time and Scott watches as his brother’s face transforms into something more caring than annoyed. “Everything okay?”

Tessa stands as Scott nods. “I’m just a tired pregnant lady,” she answers, a half truth. Her cheeks are faintly red and Scott wonders if it’s from their kissing or from the fact that they needed to be collected. “I’m just going to check on the kids first.”

“Oh, I can do that,” Charlie says, no doubt intending to be helpful. 

Scott knows Tessa needs the confirmation that her quiet boy is fine with her own eyes, and probably needs to hug him just to make sure. “Actually,” Scott says, untangling himself from Tessa so he can scoop up the platter of sweets his mom compiled, a mixture of her own creations and Tessa’s. “Help take these down.” It’s a flimsy excuse. After all, Tessa is perfectly capable of going down a set of stairs while holding something, but neither Charlie or Tessa seems to mention it.

His mom pops in to the kitchen next, a smirking grin on her face. “I think this is going to be a really good year for you,” she says cryptically as she opens up the fridge. “What with Tessa actually kissing you in our house now.” He’s glad that her voice is slightly muffled and not amplified by the way Alma roots through the packed fridge. 

“Mom,” he groans. He’s sure the tips of his ears are turning red, like a teenager who just got caught for the first time. 

Alma makes a victorious  _ aha _ before she stands up, his dad’s favorite beer in her hand. “It’s nice, Scott! It makes me happy that she feels comfortable enough to do it.”

“Just don’t say anything in front of her,” he pleads. He knows his mother wouldn’t, his parents capable of a lot more tact than his brothers, but he really doesn’t want Tessa to get embarrassed or, worse, retreat. Saying something now would just make him feel better, knowing he tried instead of assuming his family wouldn’t tease. 

His mom presses a kiss to his cheek. “Oh, you know I won’t, baby boy.” There’s footfall on the steps again and Scott notices that the music from downstairs has stopped. “Come on. Time to lose to the oldies!” Alma grins at Tessa and Charlie as she passes them, even when Charlie asserts that there’s no way the parents are going to take the victory this year. 

“The kids have settled in for movie time,” Tessa tells him. 

There’s a bit of cookie in the corner of her lips that he wipes away once he’s close enough, taking the crumb onto his thumb and then eating it. Tessa smiles. “Nathan okay?”

She nods. “Perfectly content, same with the girls.” Her arm snakes around his waist and his goes around her shoulders. He hopes he’s not smiling extra big or anything. He probably is, his cheeks hurting from how plainly his happiness has been worn on his face tonight. New Year’s Eve has  _ always _ been special to him but this feels even warmer than it did when Sarah was still with him. He thinks this is the feeling he’s always wanted on New Year’s Eve, to feel whole and content and happy, and now, with Tessa here, he finally has it. 

It’s ridiculous, Scott thinks, that earlier he believed Sarah would be happy for them because how could she be? Who would be happy knowing that their spouse feels lighter without them there? Guilt floods him, even despite his good mood. Realistically, he knows that if Sarah hadn’t gotten sick, they wouldn’t be married anymore. This year would have always been rung in without a ring on his finger and, like every year since he met Sarah, it would’ve been rung in without her by his side. This was never a holiday they celebrated together, Sarah always begging off that Christmas was enough for her, but it still makes him feel like a dick for thinking this is better than any other New Year’s Eve he’s ever had. 

What was it that Amanda told him when he brought this jumbled mix up to her? 

_ Happiness is a choice, Scott. You decide which emotion to lean into. Which is better for your girls but, more importantly, which is better for  _ you _? _

Tessa squeezes his waist. “Where’d you go?”

“Just thinking that I’m very happy,” he says because he is. Maybe he’ll decide to feel guilty later but right now he’s choosing happiness and that comes in the form of Tessa in his arms, their kids downstairs, and his family in the next room.

—

Her first thought upon winning charades is that her family would  _ love _ the Moirs. 

It usually takes all four Virtue children to get as loud and boisterous as the Moirs, but Tessa can see her siblings slotting in here so easily. Her mom too, though that takes a bit more imagining on her part. She hopes that Alma will fare better than Marian anyway.

Her second thought is that they let her win and she sends a hard, playful glare in Joe’s direction. “You’re sure you were giving it your all,” she asks.

The older man shrugs, hands up before he comes in to give her a congratulatory hug. “I never would have imagined just moving my arms for an axel.”

Alma is shaking her head in between Scott and Danny. “I’m a  _ figure skating _ coach,” she hollers. “What was that?”

Tessa thinks Joe did a pretty good job for a man in his 60s. Sure his jump spins never went beyond 180 degrees and his arms sort of waved out towards the end in what she thinks was an effort to go further around, but the idea was definitely there. Joe turns towards his wife, an arm still slung over Tessa’s shoulders. “Exactly! You should be able to recognize me bastardizing one of your moves!”

When everyone laughs, Alma scowls and then declares, “Joseph Moir, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Joe barks out his own laugh as he takes his wife out of his sons’ arms and into his own. “Oh, you don’t mean that.” He leaves a smacking kiss on Alma’s cheek then whispers something in her ear that has her grinning like the cat that got the canary.

Tessa thinks it’s sweet, how in love Scott’s parents still are with each other. And she finds it funny how Scott’s face wrinkles as he walks away from his parents with an exaggerated, “your kids are in the room, ya know!” 

His face breaks into a grin once he turns to look at her and Scott, as soon as he’s close enough, scoops her up into his arms, her feet lifted from the ground for the quickest moment. Her belly presses into his stomach so firm that their daughter kicks back at the intrusion. “You did the team proud,” Charlie shouts as he comes up behind Scott, holding a hand up for a high five. She waits until she’s back on her feet to high five him, laughing when a line forms behind him and suddenly she’s slapping the hands of all her team members.

After the losing Moirs shake her hand as a show of a good game, she’s handed a truly hideous looking trophy. It’s a red solo cup glued to what she thinks used to be a candle holder, the whole thing covered in glitter that’s bare in certain spots. On the cup, written shakily in what Tessa can only assume is sharpie, is NYE CHARADE WINNER. She peeks into the cup and is relieved to find it clean, if not a little dusty. “It’s uglier than sin, I know, but Scott and Sheri made it the second year we started doing this all together,” Alma explains.

“The glitter was my idea,” Scott says proudly.

Tessa clicks her tongue. “You missed a few spots.” Scott tickles her side until she’s laughing so hard she’s scared she’ll pee, and when she declares that she gives, he pulls her in for another all encompassing hug. 

There’s not too long until midnight now, a half hour or so more until the new year is here. A champagne bottle pops in the kitchen and the once silent TV bursts to life with some concert taking place before the countdown starts in earnest. 

The basement is mostly silent when she starts down the stairs, other Tessa already nearing the bottom. She laughs before turning to look up at Tessa and waves her down, making Tessa worry less about the noise her feet will make on the steps. All of the kids are passed out, strewn about the room in various positions that look completely uncomfortable to Tessa. Charlie’s kids take up the little loveseat, the youngest against the back of the couch with the oldest bracketing him in, the middle child sitting slumped on the floor, head tipped back into his sister’s leg. She doesn’t manage to find Lainey but she does spot Danny and Tessa’s other daughter curled up on top of the coffee table, a book used in place of a pillow.

Both Tessas laugh softly, not wanting to disturb the kids. While other Tessa goes to switch off the tv, Tessa rounds the larger couch and finds the rest of the kids. Lainey is sprawled out next to Sheri’s little girl on the floor and Tessa’s kids are all asleep on the couch, looking every bit like knocked over dominos. Becca has her head pillowed on the overly plush arm of the couch, her body bent just enough that Mollie rests her head on Becca’s ribs, the rest of Mollie’s body draped over Becca’s legs. Nathan rests on Mollie the same way she rests on Becca, one of his fists bunched up in Mollie’s shirt. 

They look so peaceful and cuddly and Tessa desperately wants to take a picture but that would mean going back upstairs to find her phone. Careful to step around the other kids, Tessa reaches down to take off Nathan’s glasses, the heavy duty frames bowing to one side from how he sleeps. He must really be out because he doesn’t move at all on his own accord, a soft snore coming once Tessa lays his head back down against Mollie. Unable to help herself, Tessa leans down to press a kiss to each child’s head, brushing their hair back from their faces. Like Nathan, Mollie doesn’t stir, but Becca’s nose twitches and she blinks slowly up at Tessa. “Is it midnight?” she asks, voice cracking from how thick with sleep it is.

“Not yet.” She worries that Becca will be upset that she’s touched her without her permission but Becca just nuzzles into Tessa’s touch and quietly asks to be woken up when it’s time. “Of course,” Tessa says with a smile that Becca mirrors before falling back asleep.

Light comes from the basement bathroom and Tessa’s eyes squint as she looks over to see the other Tessa closing the door just enough to leave the room softly illuminated. It’s so quiet now with the TV off that she worries the kids will wake up from all the noise the adults are making, but then there’s a crash upstairs and Carol yelling at someone and not one of the kiddos so much as flinch. “They’re out like a light,” other Tessa says and, after one final kiss to each of her kids, Tessa follows upstairs.

Scott is quick to pull Tessa into his side and steer her out of the kitchen. “They’ve run out of eggnog,” he explains as they find refuge in the hallway. “This has only happened once before and it’s going to get messy until the champagne is opened at midnight.”

Tessa can’t imagine a situation getting hairy because of a lack of eggnog so she giggles, curling into Scott’s side. He’s kept his grip loose, giving her the option to separate from him if she wanted, but that’s exactly the opposite of what she wants. The arm she’s wrapped around his waist holds a little tighter, her thumb hooking through one of his belt loops. “The kids look so cute downstairs, Scott,” she tells him, her voice still light from her laughter. She sighs, wistful and happy. She feels almost drunk there’s such a weightlessness to her tonight, a warmth that feels like it’s radiating from deep within her (though she is a little warm physically, her sweater proving to be too much given the heater and the baby and the people filling the house). 

“That’s not surprising,” Scott answers. Easing them against the wall and effectively hiding them underneath the stairs leading to the second story, Scott kisses the corner of Tessa’s mouth before continuing. “Mom said that she put one of the big air mattresses in my old room in case we want to sleep over.” Tessa tilts her chin to kiss him properly before he can say anything more, the urge too great to ignore. She can feel him smile. “I know the girls will be fine in the basement but I wasn’t sure about Nathan.”

It’s possible that he might freak out, even with the presence of Mollie and Becca around him, and Tessa has to admit that her own anxiety spikes at the thought of being two floors away from her baby. It’s only been a few weeks but there’s also something weird about knowing all of the kids will be so far away. “I give you full permission to laugh at me,” she begins, enjoying the way Scott’s mouth quirks into a more amused smile and unable to  _ not _ kiss him one more time. “But I’d feel better if all the kids were with us.” She bites her bottom lip. “Assuming, of course, we’re all sleeping in the same room?”

Scott nods and tucks some hair behind her ears. “I’m okay with that if you are.” Tessa relaxes, relieved, which makes Scott laugh softly. “Are you sure you want to deal with all that snoring? You and Nathan are welcome to take my room.”

“Don’t be silly, we’re not kicking you out.”

“I’m not sure it’s kicking me out if I’m offering,” he counters and Tessa simply rolls her eyes as she pushes off the wall, grabbing the hand that hung over her shoulder to get Scott to come with her.

“Let’s go set it up.”

They run into only one Moir on their way upstairs, Nicole, who Tessa thinks might be the only one in Scott’s family who wouldn’t give them a salacious look at stealing time away together. “I’m getting ready to hide with the kids,” she quips. Tessa’s not sure how true that is because Scott’s sister-in-law walks out onto the porch after that, barely wrapped up in anything at all. She can’t see him but before the door closes, Tessa hears Charlie roar and Nicole deadpan, “How do you surprise me every year?”

Even though she knows where Scott’s bedroom is, Tessa waits for him to lead her, enjoying the way he grins down at her and pulls her back into his side. “I think Mom put the big one in here…”

It isn’t the first time she’s been in this room but she has more time than she did on Halloween to take in the time capsule that is Scott’s childhood bedroom. She smiles at the Red Wings poster, so out of place in a room nearly bursting with Leafs blue. One look at Mike Babcock, standing front and center in Detroit’s jersey, explains the addition. 

Scott crouches down to fiddle with the air mattress so Tessa keeps exploring, her eyes following the posters and a framed family photo where Scott looks like he can’t be older than five (there’s so much of Mollie in that picture Tessa nearly takes it off the wall to look even closer) until she reaches the small desk in the corner of the room. Messy, as if he lived here just last month and not nearly ten years ago. Tessa looks down at the dusty movie stubs and crumbled up receipts. Most are sunbleached, the thin curtains that hang from the window next to the desk not serving much purpose other than bringing the room together. It amazes her to see the faded pricing at the corner of the tickets, suddenly feeling old because the prices of their youth were so low compared to what they are now. Not that she’s hurting for money, but Tessa can still remember saving up to go to the movies and her irritation when, while she was saving up for a new pair of dance shoes, movie tickets jumped up nearly a dollar. “Did you go to the movies a lot?” she asks right before Scott flips the little air motor on.

His nose wrinkles and she blesses him before he even sneezes which, of course, means the sneeze never comes. “Are you qualified to bless me?” he teases.

“Absolutely. Didn’t I tell you I used to be a nun in college?”

Scott snorts which  _ does _ get him to sneeze and she smirks when she blesses him again. “If you look hard enough, I’m sure you’ll find a ticket stub for  _ The Sound of Music _ .”

“Have a thing for nuns then?”

He sits down on the edge of his bed, the mattress creaking under the weight of him. “Found me out.” She spins in the chair to look at him, less interested in who Scott used to be when she can talk to who he is now. Scott juts his chin to her. “I made that desk,” he tells her. She turns just enough to run a hand over the edge of the wood. It’s far from the intricate work she knows he’s capable of and it lacks the distinct presence their kitchen table has. “It was the first thing I was really proud of.”

Tessa smiles, fingertips following the wood grain for a moment before she abandons the desk completely. There’s a clock in the room that Tessa can’t find but it  _ tick, tick, ticks  _ loudly on its way to midnight. She can remember last year, trying to sleep through this moment and failing spectacularly. The glowing green numbers of her bedside clock had been taunting, cruel reminders that time was still moving and moving away from the time when Tessa was a wife. At midnight she went to check on Nathan who had wet the bed and their new year was celebrated with tears on her bathroom floor.

Her life as it is now is nothing at all how she imagined it would be. This reality that she finds herself in was something that she never thought would be possible again. She had been so lucky with Jonathan. Finding him so young and being able to grow with him, to build a life together. Surely there was no way she would be that blessed again. But here she is, a year and some change after losing her husband, in a house that feels so warm, with someone who doesn’t necessarily chase the darkness away, but who accepts it and tries to make her happy in the meantime (and succeeds).

The baby kicks, daring Tessa to leave her out, and Tessa just chuckles, pushing back against her daughter until Scott wants his turn. “You’re supposed to be sleeping,” he says to her stomach, a faux sternness to his voice. “Mama is usually asleep now too.”

“The rush of winning must have roused her.” Tessa nudges Scott’s knees together and settles down on his lap with the help of his guiding hands at her hips. There’s still enough space to be comfortable but she know it’ll soon be a tight fit. “Speaking of, I’m going to need a much fancier trophy. Or at least one with no missing glitter patches.”

Scott’s laugh envelops her completely, his stomach moving against her own which only brings about more kicking. “It’s an heirloom at this point.” His hand threads through the hair at the base of her skull and tugs playfully. “But I’ll add more glitter, just for you.” Tessa preens and hums and presses herself a little more firmly against Scott. He arches an eyebrow, lazy, smirking smile growing just before he buries it in her neck. “The house is full,” he reminds her.

“I know.” Even in a house so big, she can still hear all of the hullabaloo going on downstairs. Music and laughter and yelling are slightly muffled by the walls that surround them but there’s no keeping the noise out completely, no forgetting that there’s a party. Tessa rolls her hips the best her stomach will allow. She laughs when her hip pops with the action and Scott pulls back with concern that she kisses away. “Quick? On my back maybe?” She’d have to stretch if they were to go like this… she should probably stretch anyway. She hasn’t danced at all this month with everything that’s been going on and the cold always makes her joints stiff. 

But this is spontaneous sex on a time limit and Tessa isn’t going to waste precious time.

She’s already climbing onto the bed next to him by the time he asks, “You’re sure?” He trails his hand from her hip and over the curve over her ass, squeezing the back of her thigh before she drops down onto her back. It’s easy enough to push the elastic band at her waist down, pregnancy jeans much easier to shimmy down than regular ones, and Scott takes over for her once she gets the material below her butt. “This is the first time I’ve had a girl in this bed.”

Tessa runs a foot along his thigh as he crawls over her, her jeans tossed somewhere. “Really? Didn’t sneak in… what was her name? Jessica?” He shakes his head, nose nudging her sweater up higher. “Not even Sarah?”

A kiss to her sternum, directly over the lace of her bra. “Nope.” Her leg curls around his waist, the other left against the mattress, bent to give him room, and Tessa moves like water at Scott’s instruction, lifting just enough so he can rid her of her sweater. “I don’t think we ever stayed here together.”

It baffles Tessa that in all their years together, Sarah never once stayed in this bed with Scott. It’s stranger still to think about how Scott still has firsts to share with her…

“Okay?” Tessa blinks and then looks up at Scott, concern shining bright in his eyes, little crows feet at the corners settling deeper than they normally do. She takes his face in her hand tenderly, fingertips whispering against the creases before tracing his eyebrows, the slope of his nose. She doesn’t nod, doesn’t use her voice, choosing instead to bring his lips down to hers, capturing them in a kiss. 

Scott keeps himself balanced on one arm, careful of her stomach that will soon start getting in the way in earnest, his mouth moving deliciously against hers and his free hand coming to push her underwear aside. His fingers run over her wet slit, teasing her oversensitive skin. They don’t have time for this, as much as she wants to move slow in this bed that she’s christening with him. Her hands reach down and grope at his jeans, fingers making quick work of the button but getting caught up with the zipper when it snags. At her audible pout, Scott laughs, pushing up onto his knees. “I got it, I got it.” Quick as can be, he takes off his shirt and then goes to his jeans. He pulls the zipper up smoothly and then down without any problem. He shoves his jeans and boxers down just enough for his cock to spring free.

Tessa licks her lips followed by the length of her hand, reaching down to wrap her wet hand around his girth. She only manages to stroke him twice before she’s shifting her hips uncomfortably and breathing harder for less than sexy reasons. “I think we’ve already used up the time on my back,” she sighs as she pushes herself up. There’s no stopping the frown from twisting her lips. She wants to be as close as she can be to him, wants to feel completely wrapped up in him, but their baby girl is making it difficult.

Scott catches her chin, wet fingertips slipping against her. His smile is small and a little crooked. “What do you need, babe?”

A tiny shiver runs through her at the term of endearment that he’s used ever since that first time. She should’ve found it scary then, how the word slipped off his lips so naturally, but she never once thought to dwell on it, hasn’t until this very moment when all she can think about is how it is for her and her alone. She has no proof that he never called Sarah babe, only a feeling deeply rooted in her chest, that she is the only one to ever receive that word from his lips. It’s stupid, really, to want to preen under the supposed knowledge of this when Tessa still doesn’t consider herself fully his (still, and always, she thinks, Tessa will be Jonathan’s, however slight). And she doesn’t want to replace Sarah for Scott, to push her out in anyway, but their relationship  _ was _ different from what she shared with Jonathan. As awful as it may make her, Tessa feels as though she’s earned the endearment already. Just like Scott has, against all odds, made her happy.

Tessa wraps her arms around his neck, tucking her head against him after she kisses him, solidly, innocently, once. “Just you.”

She’s not sure how to describe the noise that emanates from Scott then, a strange mix of a groan and whine, neither very sexual in nature. He holds her closer and she can feel his heart pounding against her chest. He pushes her hair back, twists the strands between his fingers as he leaves a trail of kisses along the crown of her head until he’s nuzzling her so she’ll pull back, which she does happily, eagerly.

He guides her back down to the bed, makes her roll to her side when he lays down in front of her. The pressure from her back is gone, the position less of a workout for her lungs, and she smiles against his mouth. It amazes her, how intuitive he is, how, at times, he knows exactly what she needs. 

She slings her leg over his hip, pushes her chest into his seeking palm, pelvis rocking towards his as he rolls her nipple between his fingers. She whines when his cock nudges against her cunt. There’s not even a hint of worry about being too loud, convinced that the soundtrack of their sex is only loud to their own ears, lulled into security when Scott bits at her earlobe and she can barely hear her own moan over the eruption of laughter coming from downstairs. Unable to wait any longer, Tessa reaches between them and lines Scott up with her entrance. At the same time she rocks down, he rocks up, sheathing himself inside her in one go, easy as can be.

A soft cry falls from her lips and Scott bites down on her shoulder, staying buried inside her without any movement. It’s not as if she needs to get used to having him inside her, her cunt dripping around him and clenching for  _ more, more, more, _ but she’s grateful for the stillness all the same because it allows her this: the sight of the muscles at Scott’s shoulders rippling beneath the surface as he holds her as tight as he’ll dare while stroking her back, the sound of his labored breathing in her ear, his chest rising and falling in unison with hers, the wonderment in his eyes when he finally pulls back to look at her face, like he can’t believe, still, that they’re doing this.

She splays her fingers along his neck, fingertips caressing his jaw, thumb coming to rub along his pink and swollen lips. He nips at it playfully and there’s a laugh bubbling up inside her until she decides to dip her thumb into his mouth. A bite, then a quick soothing with his tongue to her flesh has her hips rocking, his own hand reaching down to her ass and squeezing hard. 

She curses under her breath, the word caught between them in the thick haze of their panting, and moves her hand so she can kiss him, not wanting to be apart anymore. She wants to feel his tongue against her own, wants to feel it in the crook of her neck, have it swirl over one of her nipples. But more than that, she wants her mouth against him, biting at the corner of his jaw like she knows he likes, sucking a mark over his heart that will stay for days.

Her hands fist in his hair as he fucks into her in earnest, a sharp, hard thrust that would have her moving up the bed if it weren’t for his grip on her. He keeps a steady pace that she does her best to match but it’s hard when she’s on her side like this and her belly in the way. The heel of her foot digs into his lower back and, gosh, is she shaking or is he? “I know you said quick,” he says, voice somewhere between a laugh and a moan, “but this is quicker than you expected.”

She shakes her head, kisses him wet and messy and hard. “I’m close too.” She snakes her hand down between them, around her stomach and through his arm, fingers slipping against her clit. Scott feels like heaven against her, inside her, each thrust hitting exactly where she needs, bordering on too intense which means it’s exactly right for her. There’s some sort of commotion downstairs, cheers she thinks, and they’re going to miss the countdown because they’re wrapped up like this, fucking on Scott’s childhood bed like they’re teenagers sneaking around.

Scott runs his nose along hers to get her to turn her head and then she’s swallowing his grunt, his come spilling inside her. With one more swirl of her clit, she’s coming too, cunt squeezing around his pulsating cock. The release leaves her breathless and clutching tight wherever she can reach, desperate to hold on to him. A sheen of sweat coats their bodies and her eyes follow a bead of it as it starts at Scott’s temple and down the side of his face where it curls along the curve of his jaw. Without thinking, Tessa leans forward and licks it, follows the trail back to where it started.

“Shit,” Scott moans in her ear. He pulls her back with the grip he has on her hair which makes her moan too, her cunt fluttering around his softening cock. “We can’t go again. Not without one of my brothers calling us out on it.” He looks so regretful that she can’t  _ not _ kiss him again. His hand skates across her body, coming to palm at her breast. It feels so much more intense now that they’re swelling in preparation for their child and she knows that he knows that, can feel the smirk against her mouth as he plucks at the hard bud until she’s rocking into him again.

He pulls back then, slips out of her as easy as he had slid in. “You don’t play fair,” she complains. She’s going to need something to wipe up the mess between her legs. There’s no way she can shimmy back into her underwear and jeans and talk to Scott’s family while she can feel him leaking out of her. 

“And you do,” he tosses back with a laugh. Scott takes a deep breath as he rolls away from her, just enough to let the air cool them. He keeps her leg thrown across him and his arm under her neck, a connection Tessa is glad for. His hand steadily strokes her thigh, minutes passing that she could count but chooses not to, deciding that this moment is precious, however unimportant it may be in the grand scheme of things. She just focuses on his touch and her breathing and their daughter settling down inside of her for as long as she can, holding onto this feeling of contentment for as long as she’s able.

“What time is it,” she wonders aloud. The noise from downstairs has finally gone down to a dull rumble.

Scott brings his wrist up above their heads and laughs. “Five past.”

Tessa groans and buries her face in his shoulder. “We missed it!”

“Missed it,” Scott scoffs. “That was by far the  _ best  _ way I have ever rung in the new year.”

She finds herself smiling amid her doubts. “You always count down with your family though. I ruined the tradition.”

Scott shrugs, his hand leaving her leg for her cheek as he urges her to look up at him. “You’re part of my family now, aren’t you?”

It borders on too much, even despite everything she’s been feeling lately, but nothing about that statement is untrue. She’s sharing a home with him, a life. He’s the father of her daughter and has given her two other girls that she would go to the ends of the earth for. He’s stepped up beautifully for her son in a way she never asked him to, never expected him to. His family has welcomed her with open arms and her own have accepted that he’s not going anywhere. 

She never imagined her family growing to be so big, not like this, not without Jonathan.

Tessa fights down the instinct to laugh it off, to tell Scott that he knows what she means, but what would that do other than dismiss his feelings that he has so bravely bared to her. She swallows hard and nods, looking him straight in the eye as she does so. “Yes,” she says, voice softer than it’s been since they stole away in this room. “Yes, I am.”

He smiles and though it doesn’t take up his entire face, she can see how brightly his eyes shine. “Then you didn’t ruin the tradition. You just made it more fun.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to the tip of her nose and she settles, keeping herself present in the moment.

Eventually Scott reaches over to the bedside table, groping for the box of tissues there. She moves her leg so he can clean himself up the best he can. “Do you want me to get you a washcloth?” 

So sweet of him, she thinks, even as she shakes her head. “I’ll just use tissues too.” 

He takes two more in his hand before handing her the box, wiping gently at her thighs. “I’ll, uh, leave the rest for you.” She laughs and wipes herself clean as Scott sits up before nearly jumping from the bed. “Oh no!”

Tessa looks over to see the air mattress so taught that it looks as though simply placing a finger on it would cause it to pop. Scott flicks off the motor and then lets some air out of the mattress. “I can’t believe it didn’t pop.”

“Thank god it didn’t,” Scott sighs. “Could you imagine my family running up here if it had?”

Tessa pales at the thought.

She redresses while Scott gets the air mattress set up for them to sleep on and then she opens the window a crack to let out the smell of sex as he gets dressed himself. Scott’s hair looks crazy so Tessa rubs her fingers through it, does her best to make it look like her hands weren’t just fisted in it. She’s sure they’ll get some flack for disappearing and missing the countdown but she would prefer to look not guilty.

Downstairs, everyone is already settling. Beds are being made up on the couches and the dishes used throughout the night are being rounded up and taken to the kitchen. “Well, well, well,” Danny drawls as he rounds the corner, arms full of cups and a bottle of champagne hanging between two fingers. “Look who finally decided to grace us with their presence.”

Scott slings a protective arm around Tessa’s shoulders. “Oh, fuck off, Dan.”

The older Moir brother grins. “I won’t give you shit only because Tessa is new here and I don’t want to scare her off.” His eyes dart down to Tessa’s stomach and then tilts his head. “Though, you  _ are _ sort of locked in for a bit.”

She’s used to a bit of ribbing from her own brothers but she’s also never been in a situation like this with Casey or Kevin. With a sigh, Tessa shrugs the best she can with Scott’s arm on her. “I think the fact that I won charades for you lot should absolve me from any teasing for at least the day.”

Danny laughs and nods. “Okay, I’ll give you that.” 

He must spread the word because no one else brings up their absence as they go around the house saying goodnight and wishing everyone a happy new year, though Alma does look at them pointedly as she straightens Tessa’s sweater. When Scott goes to get the kids, Aunt Carol puts a champagne flute in Tessa’s hands with the strict instruction that  _ someone _ drink it before bed. 

Already assured that everyone who was celebrating here is staying the night, Tessa waits at the top of the basement stairs for Scott. He carries Nathan and Mollie behind a sleepy and pouting Becca. She feels mildly guilty that she wasn’t there to wake Becca up for the countdown but hopefully the little girl won’t be too cross with her. “Can I help you, sweetie,” she asks once Becca is close enough.

Becca’s eyes squint at the harsh light from the kitchen and she digs her face into Tessa’s side to block it. It’s slow going, guiding Becca up to her father’s bedroom, but Tessa can only feel grateful that Becca trusts her enough to lean on her. 

The little ones wake up as soon as they reach the room. It never ceases to amaze Tessa how kids can sleep through the biggest of commotions but one creaking door hinge will wake them. They’re already in their pajamas but it’s probably best to get them to go to the bathroom since both Mollie and Nathan are coherent enough lift their heads from Scott’s shoulders.

Tessa has to admit she’s a little surprised that Nathan isn’t scared by waking up in someone’s arms that aren’t hers, but maybe it’s because she is the first thing he sees. He sends her a sleepy smile as he smacks his lips. “Mama, can I have please?”

He’s pointing to the glass in her hand and it’s most definitely bad parenting, but she remembers being small and her grandma always letting her have a tiny bit of wine at celebrations. She dips her pinky into the bubbly glass, warning him that, “it’s going to taste yucky,” as she offers him her finger. 

His face scrunches around the digit. “Bad juice, Mama.”

She laughs softly. “Silly grownups, huh?”

He nods as he wiggles closer into the crook of Scott’s neck. On the opposite side, Mollie perks up more. “Can I try too?”

Tessa isn’t totally sure Scott knows that it’s champagne that she has but before she can check in with him, he’s turning his head to kiss Mollie’s cheek. “Only if you get down.” 

Mollie huffs but slowly slides down until her feet touch the floor. She shakes out a leg and nearly falls over with the action, Becca able to keep her sister up despite her own sleepiness. While Scott takes Nathan to go potty, Tessa squats down in front of the girls. “Do you know what this is?”

Becca nods as Mollie shakes her head. “It’s champagne,” Becca answers, her pronunciation a bit off, like she’s only read the word and never really said it, but it’s close enough.

“That’s right,” Tessa smiles. “It’s used for celebrations.”

Mollie slumps down onto the air mattress next to her sister. “Why?”

“I’m not completely sure,” Tessa answers honestly. “I think kings and queens really enjoyed it so everyone else thought it was a very fancy drink.” She dips her pinky into the flute once more and she laughs when Mollies face sours like Nathan’s did. “Becca would you like to try too?” At the girl’s nod, Tessa repeats the process for the final time. Becca takes it better than the little ones did, her face twisting into one of contemplation rather than out right disgust. “What do you think?”

“It’s kind of funny,” is what Becca decides on.

Mollie is much more vocal. “It was gross. What kind of king would like that?!” She’s loud, her inside voice lost in how sleepy she is, and Becca shushes Mollie while closing her eyes and flopping back onto the mattress.

Nathan toddles back into the room, declaring that he peed  _ and _ pooped. “Good job, my love.” Tessa wobbles a little in her effort to stand back up, her calf cramping up just a little, but Scott is quick to help her, hands going beneath her armpits and guiding her up. “Thank you.”

He kisses her hair and she leans into it without thinking, nearly jumping across the room when she notices Becca looking at them. Scott notices the cause of her tension, hands dropping away from Tessa like she’s burned him. “Mol, Becca, should we go to the bathroom?” 

Mollie is already on her way out the door but Becca stays laying down, moving only to curl under one of the blankets. There’s no reason for Scott to follow Mollie but Tessa still tilts her head, hoping to get a moment with his oldest. He nods, worry written all over his face as he follows Mollie to the bathroom. 

Nathan goes to curl up on the mattress with Becca and Tessa is about to tell him they’re going to sleep on the bed except Becca smiles and holds the blanket up for Nathan to crawl in right next to her. The wind howls from the window and Tessa goes to close it, the room properly aired out. Nathan is talking so softly to Becca that Tessa can’t hear him over the heater that’s just kicked on. Tessa waits until their little conversation is done, easing down to sit on the edge of the bed. She hopes that there’s enough time to get her apologies out before Scott comes back. 

Her little one yawns and, noticing the lull in conversation, Tessa softly says, “I’m sorry about that, Becca.” Becca looks up at her, a little surprised, Tessa thinks. “I never want to make you uncomfortable.”

Becca pulls the blanket up higher around Nathan, tucking him in. “I know that you kiss Daddy.”

Tessa blushes and scratches at her neck. “You do?”

Becca bends an elbow, head going to rest on her hand. “You two aren’t very sneaky sometimes.” She can feel her blush deepen but, before Tessa can say anything more, Becca continues. “It’s okay… it’s weird, but you make Daddy happy.”

Tessa takes a deep breath in through her nose. “Just because you know it happens, doesn’t mean it can be easy to see. So even though you’re saying it’s okay, I’m telling you that it’s okay if it’s not.”

“Okay,” Becca answers with a nod.

Mollie comes bounding in, effectively ending the conversation for now. “Ooh, I get to sleep with Tessa,” she exclaims, jumping up on the bed. 

Scott, who changed into his pajamas while in the bathroom, shakes his head. “Only if Tessa says it’s okay.”

Bringing Mollie in close, Tessa smiles. “Of course it is. I need a bed buddy since your brother left me for your sister.” It still feels so new to refer to the kids like that out loud but as weird as it is, it fills her with a happiness that she has no plans on giving up. Tessa runs her hands over the braid Scott has pulled Mollie’s hair back into, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. “But first I’ve got to get in  _ my  _ pajamas.”

Mollie nods. “You’re very overdressed for our sleepover.”

Tessa goes through the motions quickly in the bathroom. She washes her face, changes into her pajamas, decides to braid her hair while she pees. Back in the bedroom, everyone is settled under the covers, the only light coming in from the window. Scott and Becca sandwich Nathan in on the air mattress, both kids somehow already asleep. Mollie is snoring on the bed next to the wall and Tessa wonders if she chose that spot or if Scott told her to leave the edge so that Tessa will be able to go to the bathroom in the night.

“They went back to sleep fast, didn’t they,” Tess whispers as she kneels down at the head of the air mattress. She presses a kiss to Nathan’s forehead and one to Becca’s hairline.

Scott puts a hand in her thigh. “Becca okay?”

She nods. “I think so… I think a cafe date will be in order soon.”

“A good father daughter talk too.”

Tessa’s nose wrinkles. “That sounds ominous.”

Scott smiles sleepily. “You know what I mean.”

Tessa doesn’t want to chance Becca being awake (though she likely isn’t based on the loud snore that comes from her. Tessa honestly doesn’t know how Nathan doesn’t wake at the sound of that in his face) so she just cards her fingers through Scott’s hair before climbing up into bed.

She checks on Mollie, makes sure she has enough blanket, before laying down herself for the first sleep of the new year. Though last year is already gone, this moment feels like a proper goodbye to it. It hurts to be so far removed from Jonathan and the life she once had, but the balm comes in the form of Scott’s hand, reaching up from the floor to hold hers.

“Happy New Year, Tess.”

She squeezes his hand. She’s not sure of anything, but Tessa thinks this year will be good for all of them.

 


	8. dare you to move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! We hope this chapter finds you well! As always thank you so much for your kudos, reviews, and messages, we love hearing your thoughts! And a big thank you to all our very lovely betas!! We also apologize if your name was mentioned in this chapter in a negative light. The Moir girls have a lot of opinions but they don't reflect our own!
> 
> Enjoy!

**_January 2019_ **

“Fuck.” 

Scott rubs at his eyebrow with the back of his hand, hoping that none of the paint on him gets on his face. The gallon he bought to repaint the kitchen at his house is officially gone and he still has one more wall to go. Is it even worth it to get another one? Surely he could pass off the light blue as an accent wall to stand out against the ones he’s just painted white.

He nods. That should work… if he can manage to get all the scuff marks off it from where the girls have made a mess of it.

The house isn’t in too bad of shape, thankfully. In between working and staying at home with the kids during winter break, Scott’s managed to get his house ready to rent out. All the holes from nails have been covered up, all the rooms given a fresh coat of paint. He even tore up the carpet in the living room, getting rid of the dingy tan carpet that had seen better days and bringing the hardwood floors back to light. He thought about buffing them out, maybe restaining them, but Tessa assured him that the rustic look worked.

All that’s left, really, is the kitchen, and maybe a new faucet in the bathroom. 

“That’s a bad word,” Nathan calls from the living room. He’s been really good at staying out of the kitchen and away from the fumes, even though Scott can tell the little boy really wants to help. Maybe he can talk Tessa into letting Nathan help paint the trim…

“Sorry, bud.”

The door opens as Scott works on cleaning his hands and then he hears his girls, Nathan excitedly telling Tessa that he missed her. “I missed you too, my baby boy. Have you been good for Scott?”

Becca comes into the kitchen with her dance bag still slung over her shoulder. Her coat is on but she isn’t wearing a hat or gloves and Scott frowns, taking in her pink cheeks and ears. “Becca, it’s cold out.”

“I’m sweaty, Daddy. Dance class was  _ a lot _ today.” Scott still doesn’t quite believe that Tessa would let Becca out not bundled up, but then Tessa rounds the corner with her hair wet at her temples, her face way past pink. Both of them are still in their practice clothes, another rare sight. Usually they both change. “The heater was broken.”

Tessa nods. “We couldn’t turn it off. It was stuck at 32.”

Scott drops the towel he was using to dry his hands onto the kitchen island, urging everyone away from the paint fumes. “And you guys still had classes?!”

“Daddy, we can't just take days off,” Becca answers as if this is obvious. He knows that Becca takes dancing seriously, but there’s no way that was safe for anyone, especially not his oldest and Tessa.

“We’re going to have to go home before the doctor appointment,” Tessa says. “I cannot meet my doctor while I’m this sweaty. I shudder to think about what it’s like down there right now.”

Scott laughs and it echoes in the empty house. “You two could’ve just gone to shower. We would’ve met you there.” 

Tessa waves him off. She peers around him, trying to get a good look at the kitchen from the distance he’s deemed safe. “One more wall?”

He groans.

His mom arrives with Mollie as he’s explaining to Tessa just how badly he doesn’t want to buy more paint. The two of them look way more put together than anyone else in the house and Mollie bounds up to Scott with a huge smile. “No cavities,” she singsongs. “So I got this sticker!” 

Nathan jumps up immediately to see Mollie’s prize while Becca stays laid out on the floor. “What happened to her?” his mom asks before taking a proper look at Tessa. “Are you okay, dear?”

“Great job,” he tells Mollie while Tessa explains the dance class adventure. His little one looks so proud and when she easily lets Nathan hold on to her sticker, Scott knows he looks just as proud of her. “Ma, are you sure you’re okay with all the kids?” He knows she can handle his girls, but Nathan needs extra attention and a slower pace than most Moirs. Tessa thinks he’ll be fine so long as it’s just the girls he’s with. Except Scott glances over to where she sits on the floor and he can see how she’s started to bother her bottom lip, pulling Nathan close even though he complains that she’s smelly. 

“We’ll get on just fine.” He wonders if he will ever feel as certain as his mother sounds. “But, Tess, maybe I should get your mother’s number in case Nathan has a hard time. Or maybe Jordan’s?”

Mollie tugs at his shirt. “Where are you guys going?”

“We have a check up for the baby,” Tessa says, her voice more gentle than it normally is. 

He feels Mollie tense up, her hand curling his shirt around her fist. “What’s wrong?” Tessa is officially to the point where she’ll be having check ups every two weeks and, even though they’ve explained to Mollie before that going to the doctor doesn’t mean anything bad is happening, he knows they’re going to have this conversation a lot. Scott runs a hand through his daughter’s unruly hair, careful not to get his fingers caught in any tangles. She looks so worried and Scott aches to pick her up but he knows that his shirt has transformed into her lifeline and she won’t be letting go until he’s managed to calm her down. Her chest rises and falls quickly, eyes going glossy as she looks over at Tessa.

“It’s a lot of work making a baby.” Tessa leans forward to take Mollie’s free hand but all she can do is wrap her hand around Mollie’s tight fist. No touch seems to be comforting enough to get Mollie to unwind. “So we go to the midwife a lot to make sure everything is okay.”

Mollie swallows audibly. “But something might be wrong?” Scott deflates, shoulders curling in on themselves. There’s no reason for them to think that anything is wrong but Scott knows that he can’t in good conscience promise Mollie that everything is okay. 

“Becca, Nathan,” Alma starts, “why don’t we start getting settled into the car?” Becca pulls herself up from the floor, slower than he’s seen her move in a while, and gamely holds out her hand for Nathan to take. There’s no hesitation on Nathan’s part. He simply wiggles out of Tessa’s grasp to hold hands with Becca and follow her outside.

He expects Tessa to be put out by how easy Nathan went but she’s completely focused on Mollie. Her thumb rubs over the back of Mollie’s hand in time with the way he strokes Mollie’s hair. “If something is wrong,” Scott starts, his words slowly rolling off his tongue after he turns them over carefully in his head, “the doctor can tell us really early.”

“That’s why I have to go a lot,” Tessa adds. “So that the doctors can help the baby as soon as possible.”

“But that doesn’t mean anything is wrong right now. Tessa, does the baby feel okay?”

She nods, hands going to either side of her swelling stomach. “It’s a really good sign when babies move, and your sister is still moving around a lot.”

Scott crouches down so that he can get eye level with Mollie, not caring that his shirt is now pulled up in her tiny grasp. She moves between his legs even as she tries to reach out to Tessa’s belly. “Mommy went to the doctors a lot too,” she whispers and Scott’s heart breaks in two.

He wraps her into a hug, holding her like the precious being she is while also trying to soothe her as best he can. Tessa shuffles over too, arms wrapping around them both. He can’t get too good a look at Tessa over Mollie’s head so he simply takes a breath and hopes they’re thinking the same thing. “How about you come with us to see the midwife?”

“You can ask the midwife anything you want,” Tessa adds. Scott lets out a silent sigh of relief.

Mollie turns just enough so that her head rests against Scott’s shoulder instead of beneath his chin. “Will I get to see the baby?”

He knows that they won’t which is why he’s surprised when Tessa says, “We can ask the midwife if we can take a look, okay?” It’s not a no but it also isn’t a yes which is probably the safest answer they can give right now.

Nodding, Mollie’s shoulders relax just a hair and Scott’s shirt lowers back down as Mollie finally lets go. “I want to go with.”

After explaining the new plan to his mom, and a quick stop by the house for Tessa to freshen up, the three sit in the waiting room of the clinic. Mollie sits firmly tucked into Scott’s lap and he can feel her shaking. He runs his hand up and down her back in an effort to keep her calm but it doesn’t seem to be working. She keeps staring, wide eyed, around the room even as Tessa keeps asking her questions to try and distract her.

He’s starting to think bringing her to the source of her anxiety wasn’t such a good idea.

“Daddy,” Mollie whispers. Her feet tuck in a little closer so that she doesn’t touch the chair they’re sitting in. “My tummy doesn’t feel good.”

It’s at that moment that the assistant on staff happily calls Tessa’s name. Tessa holds a finger up as she scoots to the edge of her seat so she can turn to face Mollie. “You don’t have to come back, sweetie. It’s okay if you want to go wait in the car with your dad.”

The saddest most pathetic noise hums from the back of Mollie’s throat as she clings to Scott a little tighter. “I want to make sure the baby is okay.” Her voice is still so tiny, a stark contrast to his normally loud and joyful daughter. At this point, Scott isn’t sure he’ll be able to get through this.

Tessa makes her way over to the assistant as Scott settles Mollie on his hip, the two women exchanging words in hushed tones. The assistant smiles widely at Mollie and holds out her hand. “Hi there! I’m Lisa. What’s your name?” She doesn’t take Lisa’s hand, in fact just leeches on tighter to Scott, but Mollie does squeak out her name. “It’s so nice to meet you! Are you excited to be a big sister?”

That seems to perk her up a bit, Mollie’s head lifting from his shoulder. “I already am,” she says haughtily and Scott pats at her calf, a gentle reminder to be nice. Mollie sighs and wraps her arms around Scott’s neck. “But the baby is a little sister. I only have a little brother.”

They stop at the scale and Scott takes Tessa’s purse as he explains what is happening. “They have to check Tessa’s weight so that we can tell how much the baby grew. And then they’re going to check her blood pressure.”

“What’s that?”

Tessa sits down in the chair next to the scale, smiling at Lisa briefly before looking to Mollie. “Blood pressure is a way of telling us if the baby is getting enough of what it needs.”

“And mama too,” Lisa says. “Did you know that our hearts push blood throughout our whole bodies?” Mollie shakes her head. “And this tells us if it’s pushing enough blood everywhere, like to baby sister.” 

She holds up the cuff for Mollie to see who then looks at it and then up to him. “That doesn’t look like anything.”

He chuckles, a kiss going right to Mollie’s cheek. “It’s not so scary, eh?”

Lisa wraps the blood pressure cuff around Tessa’s arm then presses the on button, the little machine humming to life. “Feeling okay, Tessa?”

“Oh, yes.” He knows how uncomfortable getting your blood pressure measured can be but Tessa’s face doesn’t pinch in the slightest, just remains soft with an encouraging smile sent in Mollie’s direction. 

Tessa’s blood pressure appears on the machine in bold black letters. It’s a little higher than it normally is for her, or at least higher than it’s been since Scott has been accompanying her, but it’s still well within the safe range. “Next, we’re going to check Tessa’s pulse. It’s like double checking to see that the blood pressure is good because the pulse tells us how many times the heart is beating.” Usually the two are checked at the same time and he’s grateful that Lisa is going through each part of this appointment so Mollie knows exactly what is happening, even if this doesn’t make too much sense to her just yet.

Mollie nods, eyebrows furrowed together. “Becca double checks her homework.”

Lisa smiles. “Yes, it’s like that.” Tessa’s pulse is elevated too but Lisa doesn’t seem alarmed at all. “Worried about little miss?” she asks, her voice low and her head tipping in Mollie’s direction. At Tessa’s nod, Lisa smiles again. “Then your numbers are perfectly normal. The doctor might want to double check before you go home, but you’re not even close to having high blood pressure.”

Mollie leans forward to tap on Lisa’s shoulder. “Were the numbers good?”

“Yep! They’re telling us that the baby is getting everything she needs.”

“But you didn’t look at her,” Mollie points out.

“Doctors and nurses have ways of telling even without looking,” Scott steps in. “Because the baby is in Tessa’s belly, Tessa’s body can tell us a lot about the baby.”

Mollie crosses her arms over her chest. “I think looking at her would be better.”

Lisa chuckles as she leads them to their appointment room. “Yeah, that might be better.” Tessa settles down on the paper covered table while Scott sits down in the chair next to it, moving Mollie back onto his lap. “Your midwife will be in shortly. I’ll make sure to explain to her the situation.”

With the door closed, Tessa turns to Mollie. “Are you feeling more comfortable?”

“They didn’t look at her,” Mollie practically shouts, her head shaking back and forth. “I think we should go.” She reaches for Tessa’s hand. “We gotta go some place where they’ll look at her.” Laughter bubbles up inside him before he can stop it and Mollie looks back at him with the biggest scowl he’s ever seen. “It’s not funny, Daddy!” She climbs from his lap to the table, her movements accompanied with the crinkle of the paper. She pats Tessa’s stomach and whispers, “This place is bananas.”

“The midwife hasn’t come in yet though, Mol,” Scott tries. “Lisa could only do part of the exam.”

Mollie doesn’t seem to trust his judgement anymore. She looks up to Tessa, her hand still stroking the bump. “Is that true?” At Tessa’s nod, Mollie slumps, defeated.

“I promise that they know what they’re doing here.” He worries she’ll counter him, ask if the doctors Sarah went to didn’t know what they were doing. He doesn’t want to explain that sometimes things can’t be helped. Once was enough and it nearly killed him.

His baby girl doesn’t have a chance to respond because then there’s a knock on the door and then Suzanne is peeking around it. “Afternoon, everyone,” she greets warmly. “Hi Mollie! Do you like stickers?” She fishes one out of the pocket of her coat and Mollie looks at it suspiciously even as she reaches out to take it. “I’m Suzanne and I’m told that you’re here to make sure we’re doing our job right.” Mollie nods, pulling the sticker close to her chest without looking at it. She leans in closer to Tessa, burying half her face into the side of Tessa’s chest. “Would you like to help me?”

Mollie is quick to shake her head. “Are you going to look at my sister?” Her voice lacks the exuberance it did when it was just the three of them.

“Well, we normally don’t look at babies at this stage unless we think the baby has something important to tell us.” Scott feels himself relax. He’s glad that she hadn’t said if something was wrong. “It’s a lot of work for Tessa if we want to see the baby.”

Tessa nods. “You know how I have to go potty a lot now? Well when they want to look at your sister, I have to get my bladder really full and then hold it.”

Mollie’s head whips around to look at him. “You said holding it is bad.”

“It is if you do it a lot. That’s why we don’t see the baby every time.”

She seems to consider this for a moment before giving Tessa’s belly one more pat and throwing a vaguely threatening, “I’m watching,” to Suzanne.

With Mollie back in his lap, Tessa lays back and Suzanne goes through the motions. She measures Tessa’s stomach, asks how she’s feeling, if she’s getting enough rest. Tessa doesn’t mention how sleeping is getting harder and at first he thinks it’s because Mollie is here, but then he realizes that most nights Tessa is sleeping well. Or, at the very least, she’s not wandering the house and baking in the middle of the night.

Which means those mornings he comes home from work are the exception.

Scott scratches at the underside of his jaw. He does his best to listen to everything the two women are saying, his body honed in on Mollie’s breathing, but it’s hard to completely table the fact that Tessa hasn’t been totally honest about her own anxiety regarding his job. He knew, of course, that it did worry her, but he hadn’t realized that it had gotten worse.

“Everything is looking great,” Suzanne declares. “You’re sounding like you’re doing good too. So let’s just take a quick listen to the little one’s heart.” That’s enough to bring him back to the appointment fully. His arm tightens a little around Mollie’s middle when she leans forward in an attempt to see what the midwife is grabbing. “First, we have to put some gel on to Tessa’s tummy. Do you want to feel on your finger?” 

When Mollie doesn’t respond, Scott clears his throat. “I think  _ I _ want to see how it feels,” he says in a faux casual tone. Suzanne squirts a drop of the warm gel onto his index finger and he exaggerates his  _ ooh  _ as he rubs his thumb over his fingertip. “This is super cool.” Mollie simply crosses her arms over her chest. 

With the gel now also on Tessa’s exposed belly, Suzanne explains the Doppler machine as she sets it up, Mollie looking on intently. “Is it going to hurt?” she asks.

“Not at all, darling,” Tessa answers. She does her best to scoot to the side and then pats the space she’s freed up. “Come take a closer look.” Slowly, Mollie creeps onto the edge of the table. It’s Tessa’s turn to loop an arm around Mollie’s waist and Scott smiles at how natural they look together. Mollie still looks apprehensive, her little hand taking his and squeezing tight as her other rests on top of Tessa’s. She watches curiously as Suzanne moves the doppler against Tessa’s stomach, her eyes going wide as the room fills with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.

“It’s so fast,” Mollie exclaims.

Suzanne nods. “Her heart is small so it beats more than yours or mine does.” 

“It’s okay?”

“It’s perfect, I’d say. Would you like to help?” This time Mollie agrees and Scott swears he and Tessa sigh in complete unison. They watch as Mollie takes control of the doppler, Suzanne helping her keep a steady pressure. She doesn’t look as anxious anymore and there’s certainly a bit of color back in his little one’s cheeks. He hopes, maybe even sends up a prayer, that this is a turning point in the right direction.

After another moment or two, Suzanne hands Mollie a towel and asks her to help clean up Tessa’s stomach. “If there’s nothing else, I’ll see you back here in two weeks.”

Mollie seems much more like herself once they’re out of the building and on their way to pick up the other kids. It’s funny how she still thinks they should go somewhere else in the future, somewhere that will allow her to look at her baby sister, while simultaneously still saying that they should avoid the doctors at all costs. He smirks as he glances back in the rear view mirror. “Mol, how will we know if the baby is doing good if we don’t go to someone who can check?”

She’s quick to fire back, “I think Becca is smart enough to do what they did. We just gotta get some of those machines… I bet even you could do it, Daddy.”

Tessa snorts and then laughs, trying and failing to muffle the sound with her hands. It fills up the whole car, that beautifully obnoxious sound he can’t get enough of, and Scott takes advantage of the red light they’re stopped at to give Tessa’s thigh an affectionate squeeze. He’s rewarded with a smile that lights her up and shines in her eyes.

He has to look away because he feels the  _ I love you _ creeping up his throat. With each passing day it’s getting harder and harder to ignore and he worries that someday soon, he won’t be able to catch himself. Logically, Scott knows it won’t ruin what they have, as ill defined as it is, but he doesn’t doubt it will make things awkward, might create a bit of space he really doesn’t want between them. 

Maybe he should start writing it down, like some schoolgirl etching hearts and initials on her notebook, over and over until it can be felt for pages down, a lingering and present reminder. 

He settles on running his thumb over the steering wheel in the shape of the letters L, O, V, E.

—

She’s surprised to see an email from her Charlie pop up sometime around 3 in the morning.

The timer for her cinnamon rolls goes off just as she clicks open the email and she silences her phone on her way to the oven. The kitchen smells heavenly and she’s glad that she added a bit of gingerbread spice to the filling. They’re perfectly golden brown on top, their swirls dark and a few raisins peek up. Maybe having a taste test once they’re cool is a good idea…

She pours half of her sweet cream cheese frosting over the pan while they’re still piping hot and then, while she waits for them to cool a little, looks over the email she got from Charlie. It has the report on what it would take to make reposting part of the app itself, along with the current stats on how IGTV is doing. As with all the emails she and Charlie exchange, there’s a quip about Zuckerberg at the bottom. She swears she will never forgive Charlie and Jonathan for selling to that man, even if her life is more than comfortable for it.

She shoots off a quick thanks and her own Zuckerberg anecdote ( _ Remember when he asked for poutine without gravy?) _ before going back to finish frosting the cinnamon rolls.

The frosting still melts into the dough but slower, remaining thick enough that it’ll harden nicely on top. Exactly how she likes it.

Her phone trills and vibrates noisily against the counter. No one in their right mind would be calling her this late — early? — and it takes everything she has to not let the bowl in her hand fall straight to the floor in her haste to get to her phone. There’s already a lump in her throat, her chest tight as her breathing quickens, but then she sees Charlie’s face staring back at her and she lets out a sharp, audible sigh of relief. “What in God’s name are you doing calling me this late?” she asks in lieu of a proper greeting. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“I’m calling because there is no reason for you to be up this late,” Charlie throws back. “I couldn’t believe you replied to my email!”

Tessa is about to pinch the bridge of her nose when she notices some frosting on her index finger. “I’m pregnant, that’s excuse enough to keep odd hours.” She licks her finger. “What’s yours?”

“CJ is up and down with the runs.” Tessa wrinkles her nose as she takes the bowl over to the sink. “I sent Tanith to camp out with Jenny so they don’t get it. Hopefully, anyway.”

She puts the phone in between her cheek and shoulder so she can wash out the bowl. Her belly is officially starting to be in the way of dishes now, the counter sitting right in the middle of her stomach. Awkwardly, she bends just enough so that she’s not pressed against the marble. “Aw, such a good husband and dad.”

“Yeah, yeah.” There’s a lull and then, “Tess, why are you really up?” 

Tessa sighs. She could try to convince him that she really is just restless because of the baby, but she knows that he won’t buy that bullshit, whether it’s because Tanith has told him how she doesn’t sleep well with Scott gone or because he’s known her long enough to know when she’s lying. So she sets the bowl into the drying rack and soaps up her hands and says, “Scott’s at work tonight.”

Charlie lets out a small hum. “Should I pretend to not know why that’s keeping you up? Is that what a good friend would do?”

“No, no,” she laughs, quiet and soft. “Even if Tanith hadn’t told you, I’m sure you’d figure out why quick enough.”

“It’s not exactly rocket science… Hold on.” She can hear Charlie talking to CJ and then soft footsteps followed by the opening of the fridge if she had to guess. “Bud, you can’t have a soda. You can have water or gatorade.” Tessa snorts and makes her way back to her laptop while Charlie finishes getting CJ settled once more. She sets it to shut down and then digs around for the cake dome she has that’s big enough to fit over the cinnamon roll pan. “Sorry about that,” Charlie sighs, sounding just as tired as she’s starting to feel. A yawn comes upon her suddenly, silent but long. Hopefully she’s exhausted enough to just fall asleep once she lays down. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“About his job?”

She’s double checking she’s turned the oven off when Charlie pointedly says, “Your anxiety about his job.” Tessa doesn’t say anything as she covers her latest creation and Charlie sighs out her name.

“Oh come on, Charlie. What am I supposed to say? Give up your very important job because it makes me nervous?” She has no right to ask that of Scott. He had this job before her and it’s a job that she knows he enjoys. Besides, money has already been a bit of a sticky subject for them. She’d rather not suggest a change in professions for him.

She pats her thigh so Marner will follow her to the stairs, satisfied that the kitchen is clean enough to leave for morning, or, rather, for a few more hours until the kids get up. The dog seems to have fallen asleep in waiting for her though, and she brushes her foot over his belly to rouse him. He yawns through a stretch, getting to his feet as Charlie says, careful, “You’d have told Jonathan.”

Tessa stops short in the hallway. Marner pays no mind to her, just continues trotting on to the stairs, and she can hear the akita making his way up to the second floor. She stutters out nothing more than a few sounds before letting out a breath. “Jonathan was my husband.” He was the man she’d been with since she was 18 years old, the father of her child, the person she promised forever to. Scott… She rubs at her stomach where their baby sleeps. She’s only known Scott just short of a year and they’ve made no promises to each other. They haven’t even had the courage to definitively say that they’re together yet! It’s not her place. 

“Yeah, and Scott is your partner right now,” Charlie throws back. “He deserves to know, Tess. It deserves to be a conversation.”

Even though Charlie can’t see her, Tessa shakes her head. “I’ve turned his life upside down enough, Charles.”

“Stop it with that full name shit,” he grumbles. “I love you, Tessa. I just want you to be happy.”

She sighs. “I know. I love you too, Charlie.”

“Scott is a great guy.” It sounds like it’s easier for him to say than it was even last month. She knows Charlie likes Scott, that it was just the situation they all found themselves in that colored Charlie’s feelings towards him, but it does make her feel better knowing that they’re making their way back to the friends they were before. “But he’s not a mind reader.”

“I know,” she repeats. CJ is back up, she thinks, and so, before Charlie can keep this conversation going, she says, “Go take care of your boy. I think I’m going to sleep.”

Of course Charlie won’t let her get away with ending the conversation like that. “Promise me you’ll talk to him?”

“I will consider it.” He should know by now that she doesn’t do well with getting told what to do. “Goodnight, Charlie.”

Upstairs, she checks on the kids. She bookmarks the book Becca left open beside her, brings the blankets back onto Mollie, nudges Nathan back into the center of his bed. She presses a kiss to her fingertips and touches the photo of Jonathan that sits next to their little boy’s bed. Her bedroom door is open, her bed calling for her. She decides to go to Scott’s room instead.

Normally she wouldn’t go in without invitation or purpose, but the thought of laying in his bed, just for a little while, feels more comforting than going to her empty room. She curls up on her side, stealing one of his pillows to put under her belly, and there is an ease that overtakes her as she relaxes into the mattress. It’s getting a little harder to pinpoint his scent amid the laundry detergent and his soap. She smiles, biting her bottom lip. It’s not something she thought of when they decided to move in together, how their smells would blend together and create something new.

From across the bed, the clock turns to 4, and Tessa sighs, her eyes finally falling shut until she hears the front door opening. She’s managed to get nearly two hours of sleep, a feat, even though she still feels like she could sleep for the next month straight. Would it be awful of her to ask Alma to take the kids just so her and Scott could get some more sleep today? She shoots down the thought as quickly as it came to her. She loves their lazy Sundays together, even when they’re practically asleep on their feet. 

By the time she thinks to go to her room, Scott is in the doorway looking less surprised than she would have guessed he’d be. She thinks to apologize just as Scott shakes his head and asks, “Comfy?”

“Yeah,” she croaks out. “How was work?”

Scott pulls his shirt over his head, kicks off his jeans. They make their way to his hamper, more or less, and then Scott is laying the throw blanket over her and sliding in beside her as close as he can. “It was good. I’m exhausted though,” he sighs. 

She reaches out to finger the hair that’s curling around his ear, following the line of his jaw until she reaches his lips. Playfully, he tries to bite them and despite how tired she is, she laughs as she leans in to kiss him, her hand cupping his cheek. “Then you should definitely get some sleep while the house is still quiet.”

His arm wraps around her shoulders but rather than encourage her to tuck her head against his chest, Scott stays far back enough so that she can clearly see his face. “Or, we could finally talk about how anxious you are when I go to work.”

She hates that her first reaction is to clam up. She actively has to work against feeling like she should slip out of bed with a goodnight and disappear into her own room. Not once has she felt like she had to do this with Scott and she isn’t sure why suddenly she feels like she should. They’ve had to discuss so many difficult things that there’s no reason this should be any different. If anything, shouldn’t this be easier to talk about? After all, their life has changed so much because of the other… isn’t this simply another facet of that?

Tessa closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, leaning into the feeling of Scott’s hand rubbing soothing circles on her back.  _ It’s just Scott _ , she tells herself. With one more deep breath in and out, Tessa opens her eyes to find Scott waiting patiently. Despite being immersed in relative darkness, she can see the concern etched into his features, clear in the lines at the corners of his eyes, the wrinkle on his forehead, the slight arch in his right eyebrow. He doesn’t prompt her more, doesn’t pry, simply waits for her to take the lead.

Like always, it seems.

“You love your job, Scott.” It is, perhaps, not the best way to start the conversation. She knows she shouldn’t be putting words in his mouth, that she should be saying how she feels instead of pivoting it back to him, but she’s not feeling that brave yet. “It’s a very important job,” she adds. Her fingers flex where they rest on his shoulder. She keeps her nails from sinking into his skin by balling the hem of the blanket into her palm. “I don’t want to change your life more than I already have.” The last part is whispered between them, so soft it feels like nothing more than a simple breath.

Scott hums, the hand on her back never losing it’s steady rhythm. “Well, I think that’s where we’re different, Tess.” She doesn’t understand and she knows it must show on her face based on how a smile starts in the corner of his mouth. “I  _ want _ you to change my life. I know we didn’t plan any of this, not in the least bit, but I love all of these changes. Changes I definitely had a part in, by the way.” He drops a kiss to the top of her nose. “You didn’t do anything on your own.”

Tessa lets her forehead fall to rest on Scott’s chin, groaning, “Are you sure you’re not going to murder me? Swindle me for my millions?” The bark of laughter that comes out of him is loud enough that Marner shifts in the hall, his collar jingling against the floor. “I don’t really think that,” Tessa clarifies when she pulls back. “I just don't understand how I got so lucky.”

Scott tucks his head and though she can’t see it, she knows there’s a blush creeping on to his cheeks. “I’m okay.”

“You’re more than okay,” she presses, punctuating each word with a soft kiss. Naturally, they get distracted for a little while, making out and feeling each other up like they’re teenagers and not grown adults with their kids sleeping soundly down the hall. She thinks they’d keep going too if not for the fact that their littlest one starts to stir, immediately pressing her growing body against Tessa’s bladder.

A quick trip to the bathroom and then Tessa is sliding back into Scott’s bed. He’s turned down the covers so they won’t have to huddle beneath the throw blanket that leaves their feet exposed. She really should be getting to her own bed, the kids will be up soon and Scott does need his sleep, but she settles in like the little spoon against Scott. “I’ve been thinking about quitting,” he murmurs. 

She turns around as fast as her belly will allow.

“Not just because of you,” he adds. “Though you do play a big part in it… I don’t like that you don’t feel at ease when I’m gone. But, I don’t know. The thought of not staying home with our little girl, missing all those milestones, however small…” Scott swallows hard and his hand squeezes her hip. “I loved staying home with Becca and Mollie. I want to be able to do that with this one.”

Tessa knew Scott would definitely be taking paternity leave, assumed as much when she found out that he was a stay at home dad with the girls. She never thought he would want to completely quit his job for this one, though. Instantly, she starts creating a list of concerns in her head. Would he worry about money? He was so concerned with contributing his “fair share” and even though he will have the income from his rental, she’s not sure that’s enough to make him feel comfortable. Would he cash in his retirement? She can’t in good conscience let him do that, just in case this unit they’ve created isn’t permanent. Would he go crazy being at home with three kids and an infant all day every day come summer? 

His hand cups the back of her head, fingers tangling in her hair. “Hey,” he says. “I promise you, I have thought about this a lot. Basically since you told me you wanted to keep the baby... Practically every waking moment since I realized you only don’t sleep when I have a shift.”

She hopes that she hasn’t weighed too heavily on him. Lord knows she doesn’t want him thinking about her when he’s doing the more dangerous aspects of his job. “I wish this were easy,” she sighs.

“I know, kiddo. Me too.” Silently, he urges her to roll back over. His hand palms her belly while he molds his body to hers, holding her tight before snuggling in with a wiggle that makes her laugh lightly in her throat. “We’ll talk it to death later if you want. But right now?”

“Sleepy time,” she yawns in agreement.

“That’s right.” He buries his nose in her neck, kissing whatever skin he can reach. It makes her shiver and sink into him even further. “Because our kids are gonna wake up in like, twenty minutes.”

Mollie is up within fifteen.

—

“Daddy, what’s this?”

Scott looks up from where he’s sketching out a storage closet for Tanith to find Becca holding up a wrinkled piece of paper. “I dunno,” he says, waving her over. “Where’d you get it?”

“It was by the door.” She plops down next to him on the couch. “It’s just a bunch of names.”

How’d this fall out of his coat pocket? He smooths out the paper he’s folded over and over and over. He brings Becca in close and says carefully, “These are some names I was thinking about for the baby.” He knows Becca is excited about her newest little sister but Scott still worries about what will be too much for her to handle.

She nods as she looks at the paper closer. “Have you shown Tessa?”

“Not yet. Do you see any you like?”

Her finger moves over each name, pausing over  _ Lorraine _ . “Daddy, please don’t name my sister this.”

He blinks. “What’s wrong with it?” His voice definitely climbs an octave.

Becca looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Rebecca, Mollie, Nathan, and  _ Lorraine? _ ” She sounds absolutely disgusted. He also hates to admit that it definitely does sound out of place.

“We could call her Lori,” he tries but one look from Becca and he sighs. “Okay, it’s off the list.” He crosses it out with his pencil. “Any others that have to go?”

She shakes her head. “Tessa will tell you about the other bad ones.”

“The cheek on you,” Scott exclaims. He pulls a giggling Becca into his lap and goes in for the kill, tickling her ribs before grabbing her feet and tickling the soles. “You know I named you!”

“You had Mom’s help,” Becca laughs. She tries to tickle his side but before she can, he stands them both up, tossing her over his shoulder. 

“My own flesh and blood,” he cries dramatically which only makes Becca laugh harder.

Tessa comes up from the basement looking winded and confused. “What’s going on?”

Becca pats his shoulder to be let down and the second her feet touch the floor, she darts to Tessa’s side. “Daddy wanted to name the baby  _ Lorraine _ .”

Tessa, the absolute traitor, wrinkles her nose.

A victory  _ aha _ sounds from Becca as she dances between them. “It doesn’t really fit with the rest of the kids,” Tessa says in what Scott can only assume is apology, not realizing that she has just given Becca even more reason to be smug.

Before Becca can say another word he shakes his head, hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay, I get it.”

“Thank you, Tessa,” Becca says with the biggest grin he’s seen all month.

Tessa looks absolutely pleased herself and Scott guesses having one of his name choices trashed is worth it. “Tanith called. Kids are ready to come home.”

It’s not as quick of a drive as it used to be to get to the White house, but it’s nice to have the time with Becca and Tessa. “What other names were on the list?” Tessa asks once they’re out of their neighborhood. 

Becca pulls out the paper he didn’t even realize she still had. “Can I read it?” At his nod, Becca reads aloud the twenty odd names he’s written. Tessa nods her head to a few of them — Grace and Hannah — and actually immediately vetos some others — Mary, Rose, and Linda. The others seem to be good enough but clearly they won’t be the name of their baby. “Do you have any ideas, Tessa?”

Tessa hums. “I don’t have a list written down like your dad just yet. But I’ve always liked the name Tallulah.”

It is completely quiet for a solid fifteen seconds before Becca says, “I don’t know if I can trust either of you to name my sister.”

He and Tessa burst into laughter and he’s glad to see that, though she is blushing, it doesn’t seem like she’s upset by what Becca said. “Okay, okay, no Tallulah. What names do you like?”

Scott absolutely expects to get quite a few literary names from his little bookworm. Maybe something from the Roald Dahl books she’s been making her way through, like Matilda or Sophie, or maybe even Anne since she’s reading the Green Gables series too, as well as watching the new Netflix adaptation with Tessa. He couldn’t name the little one Anne, his own Anne would never let him live it down, but he kind of likes Sophie if he’s being honest. None of those names come up though and instead Becca says, “I like Elizabeth.” 

He sucks in a quick breath, trying his best to see how Tessa is doing without taking his eyes off the road for too long. Her hands are balled up in her lap, face turned towards the window. He aches to reach out for her but he also knows that she still gets nervous when he doesn’t have both hands on the wheel.

“We could call her Liz or Lizzy, or Ellie or Beth! Or Liza! There are so many options,” Becca continues, completely unaware of the shift in the air.

“Rebecca.” Despite the fact that his voice is soft, Becca sits up straight in her seat, eyes going wide and the paper falling to the floorboard. 

“Scott, no,” Tessa whispers. She squeezes his wrist briefly. Her eyes are red. “It’s okay. She couldn’t have known.” Scott looks in the rear view mirror to see Becca looking between the two of them, confusion and maybe a little bit of fear on her face.

He has half a mind to pull over so they can all talk about this together before realizing that this really doesn’t  _ have _ to include him. It’s Tessa’s story, Becca’s innocent, well meaning suggestion. All there is for him to do is support both his girls.

He keeps driving as Tessa turns around so she can look at Becca directly. He lowers the radio down to a quiet murmur. “I think Elizabeth is a lovely name.” Her voice shakes. “But it’s a name that Jonathan liked… if we ever had a little girl together.”

Becca sounds just as teary as Tessa. “I’m really sorry,” she whispers, repeating it once before Tessa stops her.

“It’s okay, Becca. Really. I promise.” Tessa reaches back and holds Becca’s hand. “What are some other names you like?”

There’s a silence that follows for a moment before Becca says, “But I don’t want to make you sad if I say something Jonathan liked.”

Tessa sniffs. “I think as long as you’re holding my hand I’ll be okay.”

He looks back just in time to see Becca smiling at Tessa.

  
  


Tanith opens the door with a sunny grin. “Didn’t realize everyone was coming over. I would've made more snacks.” 

Scott’s eyebrows furrow. “Are we staying?” he asks, mostly to Tessa.

“Separating Nathan and Jenny is at least a half hour ordeal,” Tanith laughs. The house is mostly quiet, definitely too quiet when he knows there are two five year olds and two three year olds in it. Tanith doesn’t seem that concerned though, just leads them into the living room. There’s music coming from somewhere, a John Mellancamp song if he’s not mistaken, and Tessa sways her hips to it as she makes a beeline for the hummus and pita chips that sit on the coffee table. He wonders if Tanith knew this was Tessa’s latest craving, or if it’s a happy coincidence. He has his answer when Tanith leans into his side and stage whispers, “Don’t worry, I have two full sized containers to send with you so you don’t have to go to the store at 3 am.”

“I’m not that bad,” Tessa tosses back while Scott chuckles, mouthing a thank you to Tanith.

Becca asks to go find the kids (he suspects she wants to see Nathan more than anything) and once Tanith tells her to check the playroom, she heads off, leaving her book on Tessa’s lap. Neither woman seem eager to gather the kids and he’s starting to wonder if it takes so long to separate the kids because it takes a bit to separate Tessa and Tanith.

Pulling a few grapes from their vine, Tanith sinks into the couch opposite Tessa. “So are we allowed to talk baby shower yet?”

Scott throws him arm over the back of the couch behind Tessa, eager to hear what she has to say. He’d been thinking that one would be happening soon now that the craziness of moving and the holidays were over. Only Tessa crunches down on a pita chip and says, “Why would I be having a baby shower?”

He looks to Tanith and her eyes cut to him briefly before looking back at Tessa with a cocked head. “Because you’re having a baby?”

“And I also have millions of dollars. I don’t need a baby shower.”

Scott sits up straighter. “Didn’t you have one with Nathan?”

Tessa licks her fingertips as she nods. “That was my first baby though. It’s normal then.”

“I had two,” Tanith points out.

He doesn’t want to make Tessa feel attacked but he adds gently, “Sarah had one for each girl too.”

She looks at him sharply before diving back into the hummus. “It’s just not right.”

He doesn’t get it. He thinks that if anyone had suggested a baby shower months ago this reaction would’ve made a lot of sense. It’s been hard for both of them but especially for Tessa to accept all the happiness this baby is bringing. But they’ve been so good lately that this adamant refusal seems out of place.

The song changes to something else and it feels almost deafening even though the volume is low. He’s a little surprised Tanith lets the silence sit for as long as it does but he’s not surprised when she asks, “So do you want to talk to me or Scott about what’s up your butt?”

Tessa grumbles. She doesn’t even bother with a pita chip this time, just scoops a bunch of hummus with her index finger and eats it. “Marian,” she answers simply.

He feels like an idiot for realizing sooner that Marian would be the root of her discomfort.

Tessa sighs. “I guess my own mom too.” She frowns before taking another (disgustingly big) scoop of hummus. “God, can you imagine how she’ll be meeting your mom, Scott?” Tessa shakes her head. “Nope. I want no part in this.”

“Tess,” Tanith tries. “First, I’ll get you a damn spoon if you don’t want the chips but I am going to throw up if I see you eat hummus like that one more time.” 

“You used to eat spinach dip just like this when you were pregnant with CJ.” He snorts and Tessa turns to him, her head bobbing. “Huge containers of it, Scott. I swear it’s all she ate for a month straight.”

“I never used my hands!”

“Liar!”

Tanith throws her hands up before pointing a finger at Tessa. “Stop distracting me! I love you and you have friends that love you and you should let us throw you something small at least. No mothers allowed.”

Scott clears his throat, hoping that it won’t draw too much attention from the women. He has a feeling that Tessa wants Marian, Kate, and his mom there. She’s so close with Marian and her own mom, getting pretty close with his too. He thinks that she’d feel guilty having a baby shower without them. Of course, he can only assume that’s how she feels. His mother-in-law hadn’t been at either of Sarah’s baby showers and Sarah was beyond thankful for that. If he remembers correctly, Sarah said she wouldn’t go to her own baby shower if her mother did. But Sarah’s relationship with her parents was the exact opposite of the ones Tessa has with her mom and Marian.

“Maybe we can wait a little longer,” he offers. “We still have plenty of time before she comes.” Plenty of time to mend some relationships. Or, if it comes down to it, enough time to beg and grovel to women he barely knows to please just do this for Tessa.

He’ll have to have Jordan talk to Marian for him though. Just thinking of asking her to go to Tessa’s baby shower makes him feel nauseous. That woman owes him absolutely nothing and he has no right to ask anything of her.

“Uh, Daddy!”

Becca’s voice sounds from down the hall and then Mollie and CJ are running in. “It wasn’t me,” they say in unison. Their hands are blue with paint and dread sinks into his stomach. Kids paint is washable, he knows this, but it can also take  _ a lot _ of washing to get it out of certain things.

He’s on his feet first. “I’ll go assess the damage,” he says as Tanith ushers their kids to the kitchen to wash off their hands. He’s happy that Tessa stays resting with her hummus even though she looks a little worried.

There’s no paint as he walks down the hall. Not a single drop of blue. There’s nothing on the door frame either. And that’s when he sees it. 

That’s when he realizes the paint is not what he should’ve been worried about.

“I just went to the bathroom, Daddy! I would’ve stopped them!”

He takes a deep breath as he walks in and sits down in front of where Jenny and Nathan are standing. He’s really glad that Becca managed to separate them before it got any worse. “What happened, Nathan?”

Nathan rolls his head to the side, eyes looking everywhere but at Scott. “Jenny made my hair pretty.”

Scott nods slowly. “And how did she do that?”

“Stamps.”

“Ink, Nate,” Becca corrects.

God, Scott wishes it had been paint.

He runs his fingers through Nathan’s now green curls. Jenny, thankfully, didn’t get his whole head, just a good chunk in the front. All the way down to his scalp, a little bit on his forehead too. That’s going to be a lot harder to scrub out. A quick look to Jenny’s hands show that they’re green too. Scott rubs at his chin. “Are stamps for our hair?”

Nathan shakes his head. Jenny doesn’t respond.

“That’s right, they’re not.” He stands up, holding out a hand for the devious duo. “Come on, we have to go show your moms.” Nathan takes his hand even though it’s clear he’d rather not, but Jenny doesn’t attempt to move from her spot. He really has no authority over her so he just nods and says, “Okay, Jenny, I’ll send your mom in then.”

When Tessa catches sight of Nathan, her eyes go wide, the rest of her face twitching like it doesn’t know what to do. “Baby, what happened?” Nathan drags his feet over to his mom, mumbling a slightly longer version of the story Scott got. Tessa combs through his hair carefully, looking at each curl with a frown. “Was this a good choice, Nathan?” 

Nathan shakes his head as he tries to burrow into her side. Tessa puts her finger under his chin so that he has to look up at her. “No, Mama, not a good choice.”

“Are we going to do it again?”

“No, Mama.”

Tessa smiles and kisses the tip of Nathan’s nose. “This means we have to take a bath as soon as we get home.”

Tanith comes in with the other two kids but stops right next to Scott as she looks at Nathan. She takes two noisy breaths before yelling, “ _ Jenith White,  _ what did you do,” and stomping off to the playroom.

_ Jenith _ ? Her name is actually Jenith? Scott looks down at Becca to find her staring up at him with the same amount of confusion he feels. “Uh, Tess-”

“Yes, that’s Jenny’s full name. Don’t let Tanith hear you talk about it though.” Tessa waves him closer and her voice drops down to a whisper. “When she first told me Jen’s name, I laughed so hard I almost peed on their couch.” She practically giggles at the admission. “I think the fact that I was eight months with Nathan is the only reason Tanith didn’t kill me.”

Becca plops down on the other side of Tessa. “I think Miss Tanith is really, really nice,” she starts, “but I don’t think she should help with baby names.”

Scott nods. “Definitely not.”

Tessa stretches out, patting her bump. “We could take inspiration from it though, how about something like Scossa?”

Becca puts her head in her hands while Scott just laughs and laughs. And then pauses for one moment in total fear until Tessa joins in. 

At least they have some definite ‘no’s on the name list. They just need to find their yes. 

—

Nathan is cross with her.

He’s sitting in front of his bed, surrounded by pigs, cows, and dinosaurs, making all of them interact with the group of horses and chickens standing by one of his knees. To anyone else, he probably looks fine, but Tessa knows this is Nathan irritated. He looks so much like Jonathan. A crease between his eyebrows beneath his glasses, bottom lip jutted out. When he has the largest cow say that they should all help take care of the sick chickens, he pointedly looks at Tessa.

She rolls her eyes. Truly, she loves that Nathan wants to help take care of Mollie. Poor thing has been down for the count since five this morning. Clearly, whatever CJ had made its rounds and Tessa is paranoid enough that one of them will catch it too without letting Nathan cuddle his sister.

That’s how he had kicked up a fuss too. “I have to take care of my sister,” he had nearly shouted, stomping his foot and balling his hands into fists. He didn’t cross his arms like Tessa tended to do when she was upset. No, he kept his arms stock straight at his sides like Jonathan, his shoulders bunching up to his ears. It was still hard to take him serious, not only because he’s her baby, but because of the green that still lingered on his scalp no matter how much she lathered baby shampoo in it.

Her phone trills from its spot on the windowsill. It sounds again just as she picks it up. On her screen are two texts alerts, the most recent being from Scott. He’s dropped Becca off at school and is already on his way back with the sick provisions they need (saltines, ginger ale, and popsicles)  _ plus _ a box of timbits for them to split. 

The other text is from her mom. She’s gotten a few texts since Christmas, more so since she let her mom’s voicemail go unreturned. 

Tessa knows she’s being ridiculous. Her mom doesn’t deserve this extended cold shoulder but every time she thinks to reach out, to tell her mom that it’s okay, she remembers how angry her mom sounded speaking to Marian. It’s as if she forgot that Tessa still loved her, like that love would’ve disappeared by then. And what’s worse, Kate yelled in front of everyone, Nathan included. 

Losing Jonathan made Tessa realize how thankful she is for the people in her life. But it also showed her to prioritize her happiness and she’s not going to let her mom ruin what little she has. 

The last text she received from her mom had sent her into a tizzy, angrily and greedily eating nearly a whole container of hummus sans chips.  _ I’m your mother. You can’t ignore me forever.  _ Tessa scoffs just seeing it up on her screen. She doesn’t like to think of herself as a particularly spiteful person, but how else was she supposed to respond to that other than like some teenage girl who was told not to do something? She’d think her mom had learned after Jordan.

This new text is softer and it does leave her feeling guilty for acting like a child.

_ Can you please tell Nathan I miss him and I love him? _

She sighs, a little angry that this works on her. “Baby, Nana wants a picture. Can you smile please?” 

Nathan perks up, rising onto his knees. “Nana?” His excitement makes her feel even guiltier. “Can we talk?” He walks over and tries to climb into her lap, huffing when he realizes he can’t without bumping her stomach. “Mama, when can the baby come out?”

She leans forward to kiss the tip of his nose and then both his cheeks. “A few more months, darling. But how about we lay in bed and call Nana? That way we can cuddle.”

He grins at her so brightly, his whole face scrunching up in delight, glasses hovering over his nose because his cheeks push the frames up. He’s got the brown ones on today. She wonders if Jordan anticipated how much they’d make Nathan look like a little old man. It makes her want to dress him in button ups and sweaters and slacks, though she has to admit they go pretty good with his cow print pajamas too.

Holding her hand, he leads her to his big boy bed. It’s not made yet, his blankets and sheets still sitting askew, but Nathan pushes them to the foot of the bed before patting the mattress. “You first, Mama. Be careful.” He keeps a tight hold of her hand as she lowers herself down, surprises her with a kiss once her face is level with his and tells her, “Good job.”

She waits until he rounds the bed and climbs in himself before laying down, pulling the covers with her even though she’s been starting to run hot. Nathan settles into her side with the cutest noise of contentment, his arm resting in the valley between her belly and chest, his knees and feet knocking against her side as he gets comfortable. It’s not until she wraps her arm around him to hold him closer and he settles his head in the crook of her neck that he decides he’s comfy enough to talk to his nana.

The phone rings as their faces stare back at them. Usually Nathan will start pulling funny faces that make him giggle but it seems like today he’s content to just be at her side. They cuddle at least twice a day, just the two of them, but she thinks as she lets her hand run softly through Nathan’s hair that maybe they could do with more. Not only has her belly prevented the easy any time cuddles they so often shared before, but Nathan so easily gets swept up playing with the girls that their time together, just the two of them, is limited. She presses her nose to his curls and inhales deeply, her eyes falling closed.

Perhaps Jonathan was right. Maybe taking time with Nathan was more important than growing their family… even if she would’ve liked to have had another living memory of him before the accident.

The ringing is replaced by her mom’s voice, frazzled and shocked and breathless. “Tessa?”

She looks up at the phone and tilts the camera so that Nathan mostly fills the screen. “Nana!”

“There’s my boy!” Kate exclaims. “Are you still in bed?”

“Got back in after playing,” he tells her and Tessa watches as her mom’s features sink into worry.

Keeping the phone on Nathan, Tessa explains, “Mollie is sick so we’re having a lazy day while giving her space, right baby?” 

Her mom frowns and Tessa thinks she’d see her eyebrows wrinkle if it weren’t for her bangs. “Do you need anything? I can whip up some soup and bring it right over with some pedialyte.”

“Scott’s getting crackers,” Nathan explains helpfully. “And ginger.” He looks up at her. “Is that what it is, Mama?”

“Ginger ale,” she answers with a nod.

Before her mom can insist on still coming over, Nathan excitedly gasps and pulls Tessa’s arm down so the phone is closer to his face. “Nana, I had  _ green _ hair!” He picks up a chunk to show to her and though the strands themselves have mostly faded, there’s still a striking smudge of green on his scalp. “Jenny did it!” He bounces from one topic to the next and it becomes clear to Tessa just how much Nathan was missing her mom when she realizes just how much he has to tell Kate. 

Her mom is so attentive, hanging on to Nathan’s every word and commenting on everything he has to say. Her sweet boy even stops to ask after a few minutes what she’s been up to. It’s painful, a sharp twist of her heart, to hear her mom say, “Oh just boring work, Nathan. Nothing as exciting as your adventures.” She knows her mom has friends she could have hung out with, knows she could have gone up to the cottage for some relaxation. She could have gone on a date too, Tessa knows there was a man or two she’d been casually seeing up until early December. Tessa had been so happy about that development. Lord knows her mom put her life on hold for Tessa when the accident happened.

She sighs heavily and closes her eyes. She feels exhausted. Being angry with her mom in addition to everything else Tessa has to do as a working, pregnant mom is exhausting. Leaning down to get close to Nathan’s ear, Tessa whispers, “Ask Nana if we can visit later.”

It looks like her mom might cry when Nathan asks if they can play today. “Of course we can, sweetie! Nana is so excited to see you.” Her mom licks her lips, nervously asking, “Tess, what time were you thinking?”

She makes the impulsive decision to ask her mom over to the house around one for a late lunch. As much as she wants Nathan to have time with his nana, they’re also going to have to talk about what happened on Christmas and Tessa would rather Nathan go hang out with Scott than sit playing at her feet during what’s sure to be an emotional conversation. She doesn’t want to subject Nathan to that again.

“That’s perfect,” Kate says before insisting again, “I’ll bring soup, the broth will be good for Mollie.”

Scott is just reaching the top of the stairs as Tessa waits for Nathan to quickly tell her mom about how Becca showed him how to cut pancakes with his fork this morning. Scott doesn’t pause in the doorway, instead keeps his pace as he heads to Mollie’s room, but Tessa does catch the way his eyebrows raise when he hears Kate’s voice. 

Finally, Nathan hangs up with his nana, finger ending the call in the middle of her mom’s goodbye. “Oops,” Nathan quips. He looks up at Tessa. “I’ll say sorry when Nana gets here.”

She gives Nathan a kiss. “I think that’s a good plan.” 

The baby gives a hard kick to her side and Nathan catches the wince on her face. “Okay, Mama?” His hands come up to hold her face, eyebrows pinching in the middle as he looks over her.

“I’m okay. The baby just kicked a little hard.”

Nathan shuffles back until he’s eye level with her belly. With a firm pat, he says, “No, no baby. We have to use our words.”

Tessa laughs. “Sweetie, the baby can’t talk yet.”

“It’s still not nice, Mama.”

There’s still laugher humming in her throat as she nods and says, “Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

Scott pokes his head in. “Was that your mom?”

“Scott, you’re home!” Nathan exclaims before she can answer. “The baby hurt Mama.” He drapes himself over her stomach. “Not okay.”

She catches Scott’s amused eye and starts laughing again as Scott exaggeratedly marches into the room and kneels down next to the bed, a faux sternness coating his features. “It is not okay to hurt your mama, baby,” he says to her stomach. Nathan nods along, giving another pat right on her belly button. “I think that should take care of it.” 

In thanks, Nathan leans forward to give Scott a kiss, her heart swelling and aching at the simple sight. Not for the first time, Tessa wonders if it’ll ever not hurt to see Nathan have moments she wishes he were having with his dad.

“I think Mama needs kisses too.” Suddenly her cheeks are being pressed together, Nathan’s slightly wet lips on one side and Scott’s chapped lips on the other, a dramatic  _ mmm _ ing coming from both. 

Tessa laughs, brought firmly into the moment, her mind unable to wander or dwell on anything other than how utterly delighted, how loved, she feels right now. She wraps her arms around the pair so they’ll stay close after they pull away with a dramatic pop. “Thank you,” she says to Nathan first, a quick kiss to her son before she turns to Scott. “You need some chapstick.”

“Wow,” Scott deadpans. “I talk to our daughter  _ and _ gave you a kiss and that’s the-” She cuts him off with a solid kiss, right on the lips, the very first in front of any of the kids. So innocent, this quick kiss they’re sharing, but it prickles her entire body, every nerve ending lighting up with… elation? Worry? She’s not entirely sure, not until she pulls back, looking immediately to Nathan who just cuddles against her, a hand curling in the neck of her sleep shirt.

She can feel Scott stroking her hair as she gazes down at her son who rubs his nose against her shoulder before laying back down, a tiny smile on his face.

Tessa pushes an unsteady breath out through her mouth. This is okay. She’s kissed Scott in front of her favorite person in this world and everything is still as it was. Scott is watching her carefully, smiling only once she does so. She runs a finger over his bottom lip. “You’ll still have to put more on. I don’t think I was wearing enough chapstick to transfer much.”

Scott rests his forehead against hers and she feels his breath along her cheek, watches the lines around his mouth deepen as his smile grows fonder. 

  
  


Kate arrives at exactly 12:50. She parks directly in front of the house and then sits there, staring straight ahead until the clock over the fireplace hits one.

Scott is showering since Mollie’s illness has graduated to throwing up, her sweet girl now a miserable pile on the couch so her mattress can air out. Nathan is, of course, not down for his nap and even though that may bite her later, Tessa is okay with it because he needs time with his nana. He’s sitting so well in the corner of the living room, quietly building with legos, looking up every once in a while to check on Mollie. He seems so much more content now that he can see her, like he just needs that verification that his sister is okay.

Though he still isn’t happy about the fact that Marner gets to lay right next to the couch and he can’t.

Before he can get too excited and wake Mollie, she whispers, “Nana is here, baby.”

Legos quickly forgotten, Nathan turns to the window, smile blossoming when he sees Kate walking up the path to the house. There’s a skip to his step as he meets Tessa at the door and absolutely nothing, not even Tessa herself, could stop Nathan from running up to Kate and yelling hello to his nana. 

She instantly worries about his little feet, thin socks the only thing between him and the cold wet ground, grateful when her mom sets down her oversized tote to scoop Nathan up with a soft, “Hi my sweet boy, don’t you know you’ll catch a cold coming out with no shoes or coat?” Nathan must say something because then her mom is laughing and cuddling him close, eyes closing as she visibly sinks into their hug.

Tessa can admit she’d been wrong to let this drag on so long. 

Kate reaches down to grab her bag by the handles and walks carefully up to the porch, her lips tight. “Hi, Tess.”

“Hey, Mom.” She leaves a kiss on her mom’s cheek as she reaches for the bag. 

It’s heavier than she expected and her mom refuses to let go. “No, I’ve got it. I packed it full.” Mollie groans from the couch and Kate looks up, eyes wide. “Oh I didn’t realize she’d be down here, I would’ve been quieter.”

She wishes her mom wouldn’t be so quick to apologize about things that don’t really matter. “You haven’t been loud. Nathan, why don’t you take off those wet socks while we get lunch ready.”

Her mom waves Tessa off once she sets Nathan down. “I’ll set everything up, you stay with the kids. Is Scott here?” At Tessa’s nod, Kate smiles. “Three bowls and one small one for my Nathan. I put just some broth in a cup for Mollie.” She’s already off to the kitchen before Tessa can thank her.

Nathan sits right in the entry, pulling off his wet socks with mild difficulty while Tessa goes to check on Mollie even though Scott left her with strict instructions to not get too close. She knows it’s important for her to stay healthy since she’s pregnant, but Scott is crazy if he thinks that means she’ll stay away from one of her kids. 

Marner is up on his feet, pacing back and forth in front of the couch, stopping every so often to nose at the pillow under Mollie’s head. He hasn’t started crying yet but Tessa can tell how worried the dog is just from the look in his eyes. 

Mollie whines, sad and pathetic, and it makes Tessa’s heart ache. She’s tossed so much that the blanket she insisted on having is wrapped tightly around her, a little cocoon that she struggles against now. Tessa gently pulls at it, loosening the blanket just enough for Mollie to free her arms, and Mollie digs her face into the side of Tessa’s leg, sweaty and pale. The braid Scott had pulled her hair back into has come loose, his French braids still not tight enough, though she can hardly blame him for that today. With how hard it’s been to get Mollie to sit up, there’s no way either of them could pull a decent braid that would stay. 

“It hurts,” Mollie mumbles tearfully, her eyes squeezed tight in pain. “I want my mommy.”

She strokes Mollie’s hair then rubs her back in small circles. “I know, darling, I know. I’m sorry.”

Tears gather in the corner of her eyes and Tessa can’t help herself. She gathers Mollie in her arms, trying to cuddle her as close as she physically can as she presses kisses to Mollie’s hairline. Mollie starts crying in earnest, catching Nathan’s attention even though Mollie isn’t being very loud, and her baby boy comes over, smelly socks in hand, his bottom lip jutted out. “Don’t cry, Mollie,” he whispers. Tessa stops him from getting any closer, much to his chagrin, so he adds, “Nana brought you soup to feel better.”

Mollie makes no move to acknowledge Nathan, just keeps sobbing against Tessa’s stomach and moaning for Sarah or Scott. Nathan starts to fuss, near tears himself, no doubt from how helpless he feels too. “Sweetie, can you please go check on Nana for me?” Nathan barely glances at Tessa as he shakes his head. “Nathan, there’s nothing we can do for Mollie right now so I need you to go over with Nana.”

Scott appears at the bottom of the stairs, shirt sticking to his still wet skin, water trailing from his hair down the side of his face. “Tess, you shouldn’t have gotten so close.”

Tessa scoffs. “What was I supposed to do?”

He shakes his head. “And you wonder where Nathan gets his stubborn streak from,” he mutters as a sneaks a quick kiss to Tessa’s forehead before scooping Mollie into his arms. “You’re okay, Mol. I’m right here.” The blanket still stays stubbornly wrapped around Mollie’s lower half until Tessa tugs it free, letting Mollie curl even further into Scott. “Go enjoy lunch with your mom.” Tessa wrinkles her nose and Scott grins. “You know what I mean.”

After a quick stop in the bathroom to wash their hands, Tessa and Nathan enter the kitchen just as her mom is setting the bowls of soup on a tray. There’s also an oversized bowl filled with salad, another with bread, and Tessa thinks she spies cookies on the counter behind her mom who wears a cautious smile when she looks up. “I was just about to take this to the dining room.”

“Nana, we eat here,” Nathan chirps as he walks to the table in the kitchen. He pulls out the chair next to the one he usually sits in before going to take Kate’s hand and urging her to sit.

Her mom definitely looks weirded out that they’re not going into the formal dining room but allows Nathan to take her to the table, awkwardly holding the bowl of salad. Tessa grabs the rest of lunch while Nathan talks about the books they got from the library earlier this week, getting side tracked every so often to tell Kate about what his wooden cow is doing. 

For the most part, that’s how lunch continues, Tessa acting as a quiet bystander while grandmother and grandson catch up, only speaking up to fill in details Nathan can’t remember. It’s nice, to simply look on at her mom cuddle Nathan in her lap, to see them laugh and feed each other and trade silly faces. She’s not surprised when Nathan starts yawning given it’s nearing two. “Can I put him down?” her mom asks and Tessa nods with a smile.

By the time her mom comes back downstairs, Tessa’s cleaned up the kitchen, eaten two cookies, and managed to trade a few kisses with Scott while Mollie finally succumbed to sleep in his lap. The kettle is near whistling on the stovetop and, rather than asking her mom if she wants some tea, says, “I have green, ginger, and rooibos.”

Kate fiddles with the bracelet at her wrist, eyes darting around the kitchen. Tessa suspects her mom was expecting to be able to clean during this conversation. “Green, please.” 

The faint whistling grows stronger and Tessa turns off the burner before the kettle can really sound off. “Go on and sit at the table, I know how you like it.” Naturally, her mom doesn’t relax like she should, choosing instead to grab two tiny plates from the cupboard and the container of cookies she brought. 

It’s strange, Tessa thinks as she prepares the two mugs of tea, disagreeing with your parents once you’re an adult too. Part of her still feels like she should give way, apologize for her outburst and reaction, minimize the problem even though it struck every possible nerve inside her. She knows that won’t fix anything though, will just brush the issues under the rug, make it okay for them to resurface again in the future, just as meanly as they had at Christmas. Without Jonathan here to keep the peace between their mothers, Tessa will go insane. They need to talk about this crazy amount of jealousy her mom has towards Marian once and for all. 

“Mom,” she starts, setting the steaming mug of tea in front of Kate, “you know that I love you right?”

Kate nudges a plate towards Tessa and drops two cookies onto it. “I know that,” she answers softly, taking a cookie for herself. A few crumbs fall to the table and Kate uses her fingertips to clean them up, brushing them onto her plate with a sigh. “I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas.”

Tessa shakes her head. “You didn’t ruin Christmas for anyone…” When she thinks back to it, she remembers the kids’ bright faces that morning, playing Jenga over at the Moirs’, the warm moment she shared with Frank outside of her mother’s house, the quiet time between her and Scott in the kitchen once the kids fell asleep, trading kisses between sips of hot chocolate. She doesn’t think about her mom and maybe that hurts a little because her mom has always been such a big part of holidays for her, but it’s not like the first Christmas without Jonathan. The hurt from this Christmas doesn’t linger, not for her. Tessa takes a deep breath. “Except maybe for yourself, and I’m sorry because I know I played a part in that.”

Her mom looks up at her briefly before going back down to her mug, blowing on it and then taking a sip. It’s a way to buy time, Tessa’s guilty of doing the same thing herself, but she’s resolved to wait her mom out. There’s no more for Tessa to say.

Another sigh sounds from her mom, mug clinking against her plate of cookies. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Tessa.” Her shoulders roll back. She picks at where her sweater has started to pill at the shoulders. “That I’m jealous of Marian? I don’t think that needs to be said so expressly.”

Tessa rolls her eyes, an action her mom misses since she refuses to look at her. “I don’t get  _ why _ though, Mom.” Her mom starts shaking her head slowly, her bangs sitting askew, and Tessa reaches out to straighten them. “Is it something I’ve done?” 

“No, no,” her mom murmurs. Tessa is unconvinced and her mom’s face rumples, the wrinkles around her mouth growing deeper. Tessa can still remember her mom’s face completely smooth and bright, when the only lines her mom had were laugh lines, little creases left from joy, and then how her mom started to dim after the divorce, stress and sadness seeping into her and worn like badges that were hard earned even though they weren’t wanted. Her mom’s elbows fall to the table, cradling her face in her hands. “You were my baby,” Kate whispers. “And once Marian came into the picture… I lost you.”

“Mom…” She reaches out for her mom’s hand only for Kate to retreat into herself. It hurts more than she was expecting.

“I know it’s my fault, I couldn’t- I should’ve-” Her mom’s voice breaks and then she starts crying, silent tears trailing down her cheeks.

Tessa swallows hard, her own complicity staring her straight back in her face. Growing up, she had so wished for her mom to be around more. It was never something she asked for aloud, knowing that her mom was gone so much because she was working to support them, felt her mom deserved the few times a month she went out with friends or on dates. As it stands, Tessa doesn’t think she would change anything, still can’t think to put her own needs before her mom’s.

With Marian, Tessa finally got the attention she had craved but was too timid to ask for. The Bradys welcomed her so completely, so lovingly, and to be part of such a tight family unit was something Tessa had been missing, through no fault of her mom’s… She just hadn’t considered how that made her mom feel, hadn't realized it hurt her mom enough to spark such an intense dislike in her.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t who you needed me to be, Tess.”

“Oh, Mom,” Tessa says around the lump in her throat. “You’re one of the very best moms. I don’t have any complaints about being your daughter.” She scoots her chair closer to her mom, needing to touch her, to ground her. “None of us are perfect. I’m sure I’ve already messed Nathan up somehow, and you had four kids to worry about!”

Kate shakes her head but lets Tessa take her hands in hers. “I could’ve done better.”

“I could have too. If anything, we’re both at fault, okay?” She squeezes her mom’s hands tight, nudges her nonee’s ring where it sits on her mom’s right hand. “I don’t blame you for anything. You’re my mom and I love you, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.” Her nonee’s saying makes her mom smile, and Tessa relaxes, curling up next to Kate. 

“I love you too, baby girl.” Her mom wraps an arm around her shoulders and the two of them take a breath, gentle sighs putting them at ease. “I know your heart is big enough for a lot of love,” her mom whispers. “I’m sorry I wanted it all to myself.” A kiss to the top of her head, and then, “I’ll be better, I promise. I apologized to Marian too,  _ in person.” _

Marian has mentioned her mom’s apology but neglected to mention that it was face to face. Tessa thinks she could count on one hand the number of times her mom has been to the Bradys’. “Thank you, Mom. I’m proud of you.”

Her mom gives her a tight squeeze before urging her upright. “Come on, this can’t be good for your back.” Reaching over, Kate drags Tessa’s now cool mug of tea back in front of her. “You know, sweetie, you’re going to have four kids in a few months.”

“So I should be prepared to mess up even more,” Tessa quips. She has a feeling she’s going to make a crap mom at times and that alone is taking some getting used to. 

“No,” her mom says. The sun has just started to peek through the windows and Tessa can just make out the dried tracks of tears on her mom’s face. “You went from one to three brilliantly. You’ll handle another one, easy… you’ve got a great village behind you, baby.”

Tessa’s not so sure it’ll be easy, but her mom is right. These kids of hers have so much love around them.

—

Three boxes sit on top of the kitchen island. The biggest box, Becca’s, holds all of the Valentine’s she wrote out the night before (Scott even let her stay up late to finish them, proud of how nice she wanted each to look), a small potted flower for her teacher, and a tray of cookies that Tessa made fresh this morning. Mollie’s box has cookies too, hers in the shape of Xs and Os instead of hearts, her Valentine cards shoved unceremoniously to one end, a tiny cactus for her teacher teetering on top of the envelopes. Nathan’s is the smallest, his play group only made up of nine other kids, and instead of Valentine’s he has stickers to pass out along with his cookies, buttery shortbread ones with a Hershey’s kiss right in the center.

Scott definitely ate at least five of them as soon as Tessa pressed the candy into the middle.

He wraps Mollie’s sandwich up and sets it inside her lunch bag, surveying each one as he munches on a carrot stick that didn’t make it into the Tupperware. All three lunches have some veggies (celery for Becca, cucumbers for Mollie, carrots for Nathan), a fruit (oranges, as requested by all three kids), and a main dish (Becca and Nathan with leftover burritos from the night before while Mollie insisted on a jam sandwich, “with extra jam”). He makes sure to add a napkin in each lunch bag too, tossing in a still wrapped Hershey’s kiss for good measure. 

Tessa slides up next to him and she looks so sleepy, even with the soft smile on her lips. “I left you space too.” He takes the red pen from her hand as he reads over the notes she’s started for each of their kids. It’s cute how she still does it for Nathan, even though she’ll be the one taking him to his play group, and Scott can’t stop himself from leaving a chaste kiss to the corner of her mouth before he scribbles down his own good day messages to the kids. “Do you think they’ll be surprised?”

“Completely,” he answers. Rather than spend the day just the two of them (something Scott is absolutely  _ not _ ready for, lest he tell Tessa how he feels so hopelessly in love with her), they’ve planned a big date for all the kids. After school, they’re going out skating before grabbing pizza for dinner, and finishing the night off with a movie. He knows that even Becca doesn’t suspect a thing, though she had looked at him funny when he told her that he wasn’t doing anything special with Tessa today.

Tucking the finished Valentine’s into each lunch box, he zips them up and puts them into the appropriate box in front of him. “Okay, our brood is all packed up,” he declares. He rubs at his eyes before looking over Tessa’s shoulder at the oatmeal she’s stirring away at. His hands find her hips naturally, smiling when she leans back into him. “You could go lay down, you know. I can finish up breakfast.”

“No, I promised to help the girls with their hair and if I sit down, I’m going back to sleep.” She taps the spoon on the edge of the pot then sets it down so she can turn in his arms. “I miss coffee, Scott. I miss it really bad at this point.”

He laughs, wrapping his arms around her back. “So go rest. I’ll get you up when the girls need you.”

There’s a strangled sort of noise that comes from her but when he pulls back to check in, Tessa is nothing but smiles. “What are your plans for today while the girls are at school?”

“Probably get some work done in the shop, maybe catch lunch with Anne. I think she’s freaking out because Madi has something planned today.” He hopes lunch won’t last too long. He’s happy to take the time to talk but he’s been slacking on his latest project, one that has the most pressing due date. If he can manage to get a few hours in today, he’ll be happy.

Tessa quirks an eyebrow. “Why would that make her freak out? They are dating, after all.”

Scott shrugs in an effort to remain nonchalant, as if everything inside him isn’t starting to twist uncomfortably. “Valentine’s is kind of serious.”

Rolling her eyes, Tessa goes back to tending to the oatmeal. “Valentine’s Day is not serious. Anne should've had a melt down when they spent Christmas together.  _ That’s  _ a serious holiday.”

He wonders how long they’ll talk around what they are to each other. As honest as they are with one another, he thinks this game of chicken is going to extend well past the arrival of their baby girl. He’s struck suddenly by the image of Tessa calling him her friend or roommate in the middle of her delivery.

He definitely needs to get lunch with Anne soon. She’ll be able to help with this… or they can at least commiserate together.

“You’re thinking awfully loud,” Tessa says, the click of the burner turning off acting as a punctuation. “Do you want to know what I’m thinking?”

He kisses the corner of her jaw. The kids will be up soon and he’s going to take every opportunity to kiss her out in the open while he can. “Always.”

“I was thinking of asking my mom or Jordan to take Nathan to his group today.” It takes him a minute and the playful glint in her tired eyes to realize what she means and Scott decides, very quickly, that unless Anne can meet for coffee this morning, he’s going to have to cancel on her.

He’ll stay up late working in his shed if he has to, too.

Scott grins. “I’ll let Anne know my afternoon is booked.” Tessa holds up the spoon for him to taste the oatmeal and he gives her a thumbs up. “You know,” he starts, licking the sweetness from his lips. “I’m surprised that you’re not tired of me yet.”

“Should I be?”

He shrugs as he pulls out some bowls for the whole family, silently nudging Marner out of the way with his leg when the dog seems set on standing in the middle of the kitchen. “By the third trimester, Sarah didn’t want  _ anything  _ touching her. No clothes, no people, nada.” It’d been hard on Becca, how uncomfortable Sarah had gotten with Mollie, missing out on all the mom cuddles she had grown so used to. Not that Scott could blame Sarah. Being pregnant in the summer sounded like torture. He’s not sure he’ll ever forget coming home from the store to find Sarah standing in front of the open freezer, naked as the day she was born, Becca equally naked beside her, the two sharing a popsicle.

Sarah was convinced she was dying she was sweating so much. Becca was just pleased to be getting a treat before dinner. They both had juice drying on their bellies.

It’s a moment he’s thankful he can recall so easily, and with startling clarity.

“Well you are in luck,” Tessa says. “I didn’t feel like not being touched until week 39 with Nathan.” She peers down at her stomach. “Though I do think I’m bigger this time around.” 

“No less beautiful,” he quips, letting his hand slap her ass on his way into the pantry to get the cinnamon, grinning wide when Tessa sucks in a breath and her cheeks pink.

  
  


“Why the fuck haven’t you told her you love her?” An older woman walking the opposite direction shoots Anne a dirty look which only makes Anne glare from behind her glasses. “Not that I think telling her on Valentine’s Day is a good idea. That’s like… a stupid big deal.”

Scott’s laugh comes out with a visible puff of air. He’d agree if it wasn’t for what Tessa said earlier about the holiday being small, all other things considered. “What’d you used to do with Beth?”

“Have loads of tantric sex,” Anne quips as soon as she swallows a gulp of her coffee. “Actually, we’d always go to the restaurant we had our first date at. Then go home for the tantric sex.” Anne takes another drink before asking, “Was it a big deal for you and Sarah?”

He shoves his free hand into the pocket of his coat. “Yeah, actually. In a weird way, though.” He continues quickly at Anne’s smirk and raised eyebrows. “Sarah would work, without fail, because she would always get the best stories. We’d take bets on how many broken penises would pass through the ER… I’d take her to dinner and we would just catch up on all the crazy cases she’d seen.” It was always one of the best days of the year for him. Didn’t matter if they were on rocky ground, Valentine’s was always a day they laughed together, where Scott craved Sarah’s company. “And, you know, have a quickie in a utility closet before she had to go back to work.”

Anne laughs so hard she snorts. “You’re a weird romantic, you know that?” Scott can only shrug his shoulders as he grins. “Laughing about others’ misery with your wife, taking your kids on a date with your… Seriously, Scott, can you just talk to her? It feels rude to call her your baby mama.”

“She has a name you could use.”

Anne knocks her elbow against his ribs when he takes another sip of his coffee. “Saying ‘your Tessa’ sounds idiotic.”

Scott sighs, his fingers rubbing along the textured edge of the coffee sleeve. “It’s different… It’s not like how it was with me and Sarah. She didn’t get time to say goodbye. And she loves him. God, Tessa loves the shit out of Jonathan.”

“And… what? You think that means she can’t love you too?”

Yes. Because sometimes he’ll catch her looking at a picture of Jonathan or she’s telling him some story about her husband and the look on Tessa’s face? It’s pure love, pure happiness, even if the edges are frayed with sadness. Scott has never once been on the receiving end of anything close to that. 

No. Because she’s building a home with him and treating his girls as her own and letting him in with her son and growing their child and she can’t leave the house, can’t go to sleep, without finding him and giving him a kiss first.

Scott sighs again, heavier this time, shoulders starting to curl in on themselves. “I just don’t want to put any pressure on her. I want her to have the time and space to figure it out.”

They stop across the street from the elementary school Becca and Sammy go to and Scott wiggles his toes in his boots as they wait for the crossing signal to turn. Anne turns to face him, a hand coming to rest on her hip. “Are you getting what you need from this relationship?” 

He gets to share a home with her, share a family. He gets to make her laugh and gets to kiss her, touch her, hold her. He gets to be in her orbit. Who cares if he isn’t able to shout from the rooftops how much loves her, can’t whisper it into the soft skin at her neck? As much as Scott knows how important it is to say what you feel while you can, he knows it’s just as important to  _ show _ how you feel while you can. 

And there’s nothing on this earth that will stop him from showering Tessa and this family they’ve cobbled together in love.

“For once,” Scott breathes, “I feel like I do have everything I could need or want.”

A smile tucks into the corner of Anne’s mouth and she nods, once, like the bang of a judge’s gavel. “Okay then. That’s all that matters.”

The crossing signal changes and they step off the sidewalk. “What’re you going to do about Madi?”

Anne shrugs as she drains the last of her coffee. “Probably have loads of sex so that we miss whatever she has planned. Put that butt plug to good use.”

Scott throws an arm around Anne’s shoulders as his laugh gets carried in the wind. “Tessa thinks it’s crazy that you’re worried about having a date with your  _ girlfriend _ on Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah, well I think it’s crazy Tessa won’t call you her boyfriend.”

His nose wrinkles. “I think I’m too old to be a boyfriend.”

“Get over yourself please.” They break apart once they’re on the other side of the street, Scott pulling his toque down over his ears while Anne shoots her empty cup into the trash can. “I only ever celebrated Valentine’s with Beth.” 

The admission nearly gets lost in the gust of wind but Scott hears it, loud and clear. “No one else?”

“No one before her. Never thought there’d be someone after either.”

For once, when Scott opens his arms, Anne goes willingly, slumping against him with more force than he expects. “It’s okay if you want to keep it that way. I think Madi would understand.” He thinks Anne scoffs, or maybe it’s a snort, but either way, she’s pulling back to look at him skeptically. “I’m serious. As you  _ love _ to point out, we’re all in the same boat. None of us are expecting this to be easy.”

“Well that’s bullshit,” Anne states. She steals his cup and drains the rest of his coffee in one go. “Okay, go home and have sex. Thanks for the hug.”

Anne is already half way in her car when Scott takes a chance. Valentine’s Day is about love, isn’t it? And doesn’t that take many forms? “Hey Anne? I’m sorry about Beth, truly, but I’m glad that we found each other.”

Anne doesn’t roll her eyes, actually smiles at him, almost fond. “Yeah, I’m glad too… you’d trade me in an instant if it were between me and Tessa though.”

“No question,” Scott laughs and Anne joins him as she shuts the door.

  
  


He finds Tessa sitting at her vanity, frowning down at her makeup. “You know, I’m happy just spending time with you,” he says once she catches sight of him in the mirror. “You don’t have to put on makeup if you don’t want to.”

She smiles softly as she turns, pulling her robe open so he can see the baby blue lingerie criss crossing over her chest and hips, the floral lace tenderly cupping the new curves of her body. “So I shouldn’t have bothered with this?”

“One of the very first things I learned about you was that you like dressing up for yourself.” He walks towards her as he shakes his head. She takes his hand when he presents it to her and he pulls her to her feet, nudging the robe off her shoulders with his free hand. “You feel sexy don’t you?”

Tessa hums, tiny tilt of her chin giving way her agreement. She lets her robe fall to the floor but grabs for him the second her arm is free from the fabric, hands eagerly reaching for the hem of his thermal. “I think makeup would’ve made for some nice pictures.” She leans forward to give him a quick kiss. “Had you taken any longer, I would’ve started sending some.”

While he definitely wishes he’d gotten some pictures, this is much better. “My favorite picture of you is the one where you’re completely bare faced,” he admits. 

Her hands pause at the button of his jeans, the hungry look in her eyes shifting into something like surprise. “Really?” He nods. “You know, it takes a lot of work to put my face on every day.” Her lips curl as she teases him and he laughs, pulls her against his chest, her stomach keeping a bit of space between them. She kisses the skin right over his heart. “Either way, I was not going to do my hair. It’s too much hassle to deal with the blow dryer.”

“Should I have done my hair for you,” he asks. “Or put on something sexy? My work shirt maybe?”

She trails kisses along his neck, ending underneath his jaw. “I certainly wouldn’t say no.” Her hands curl at his waist, fingers sinking into his skin. “But you can save that for another time.”

His jeans pool at his ankles and Tessa leaves him to step out of them, making her way over to the bed. They’re limited on positions at this point so Tessa falls into the one that’s been working best: on her hands and knees, a few pillows under her chest to keep her upright when she loses herself to his touch.

He skates his palms down her sides, presses a few kisses along the knobs of her spine, smiling at the breathy little hums and hitches that come from her mouth. Once he’s kneeling behind her he has to take a moment to just stare at all that she’s offering to him, decides he doesn’t want to undress her, not completely. He likes the way the color looks against her skin, how the intricate straps cut across the fleshy parts of her, likes the way she jumps and arches back towards him when he lifts one of those straps and lets it snap back against her skin. His hands drag lightly down her thighs until she’s shivering against his touch. She gives her hips a little impatient wiggle and he lets his laugh fall right against her clothed cunt, licking a quick, heavy stripe over her panties, grinning wolfishly when Tessa releases a breathy moan. “Don’t tease me,” she demands. Her foot pokes his chest, a halfhearted attempt to be stern, and he catches it, tickling her sole until she’s laughing and kicking and telling him to stop.

They’ve had a lot of sex in the short time they’ve known each other. It’s been rushed and filthy, slow and sweet, a mix of both and everything else in between. At once he feels as if he’s touched her forever, has worshipped at her altar for decades, her skin so familiar against his lips, his hands, the hard planes of his body, and like there is still so much to discover about her, so much more to seek out, to find what makes her scream and moan and twitch and smile like a Cheshire cat. How can she be so tangible and so ethereal at the same time? How did he get so lucky that he gets to be the one to be with her in every sense of the word?

He knows she’d probably think differently of her own relationship and he can’t fault her for that, would be happy if she were to tell him she had it this good with Jonathan, but it was never like this for him with Sarah, not even in their own honeymoon phase.

He loves that they laugh during sex, that they talk. It settles something deep inside him, makes him feel whole.

“I give, I give,” Tessa laughs, rolling off her hands and knees and on to her back. “Now you have to let me catch my breath.”

He shrugs, helping her sit up so that baby doesn’t put too much pressure on her. “Worth it to hear that laugh of yours.” He presses a kiss to the pulse drumming at her wrist, looking up at her through his lashes to see her shaking her head, goofy smile plastered to her face. “Scoot to the edge,” he prompts and he takes a firm hold of her hips, fingers rubbing against the strips of fabric that decorate her skin.

“Should I stand up to take these off?”

“Nope.” His right hand slides around her belly and dips between her parted thighs. He finds her clit easily against the lace. His touch stays light, lets the brush of the fabric excite the most sensitive parts of her while he noses at her full chest. She shivers when he drags his palm along the length of her cunt, hips tilting into his touch, and the most beautiful gasp comes from her lips as he pushes her panties to the side and slips two fingers against her wet heat easily. “I’ll eat you out later,” he says in between kisses that litter her neck, the knobs of her collarbones, the swells of her breasts. “Just let me touch you first.”

One of her hands is fisted in his hair, the other holding tight onto his shoulder, pressing on the bruise he got last week at work. “Whatever you want,” she sighs. Her nipples are hard beneath her bra and he runs his tongue over the hard nub, grinning when it makes her hips jump, has her clenching around the tip of his fingers he’s just barely slipped inside her. He knows that her breasts have already begun to ache and that soon they’ll be off limits, so he takes his time, moves his mouth over Tessa’s chest tenderly, nosing the flimsy cups down. The last thing he wants to do is overstimulate her to the point of discomfort and he worries that might happen if he continues manipulating the lace against her.

He fucks her slow, hard, with his hand, lets the heel of his palm rub against her clit. So often now, it seems that they have to rush, their sex regulated to early mornings and late nights, hurried and quiet with an ear trained on the kids. He misses taking his time, misses hearing her talk to him while he’s inside her, those beautiful keening sounds choked down so their kids don’t hear them. He fits another finger alongside the two already inside her and then Tessa starts babbling a little, praises coming in the form of curses when he starts to curl his fingers. It’s crazy, absolutely insane, how hard he is in his boxers. 

Her hands cradle his face and then she’s kissing him, all tongue and teeth, needy pleases escaping in her heavy sighs. He cups the back of her head, keeps his touch soft as he fucks her faster, his thumb going to rub circles over her clit, and when he feels her cunt grip him harder, Scott pulls her hair right at the base of her skull. Her orgasm hits with a choking gasp and a gush of her come in the palm of his hand, dripping down his wrist.

A dirty chuckle vibrates against his lips as she gently pulls his hand back to rest wetly on her thigh. “I would like very much for you to be naked now.”

There’s no denying Tessa anything she wants when she sounds like this.

He tugs his boxers down as he gets to his feet, expecting Tessa to make her way back to her hands and knees but finds that she has other ideas. She uses her own come to slick the hand she wraps around his cock, strokes him until he can’t help but thrust into her hand. “Can I ride you?” she asks, still more than a little breathless.

Her thumb runs over the defined ridge at the head of his cock. “Whatever you want,” he groans.

They move slower like this, Tessa no longer having the energy to sustain riding him in earnest. He knows they can make it work if that’s really what she wants; just last week she’d planted her feet on either side of his hips and held onto his knees as he guided her up and down on his cock, hard and fast, his hands sinking into the flesh at her hips. That’s not what she’s going for today, though, choosing instead to push off from her knees, to rock back and forth on his cock rather than thrusting. Scott won’t get there like this but he doesn’t care at all, is more than happy to sit back and enjoy the warm, wet heat of Tessa’s cunt, the weight of her pushing him into the mattress, the sounds of her pleasure wrapping around him and pulling at his heartstrings. 

She comes quieter this time, after her hips rut against his more firmly, a bit quicker than the lazy pace she had set. Her hands flex and curl where they lay, one high on his abs, the other around the wrist of his hand where he’s been twisting gently at her nipple. Breath caught in her throat gives way to a satisfied, humming moan, and Tessa blinks her eyes open after a long moment, sated smile stretching her bitten red lips.

“Thank you,” she sighs.

He laughs, his hand skimming down her side until it rests on her thigh. “My pleasure.” Her smile turns devious. She clenches around him once before she dismounts. He laughs again when her legs shake at the movement, her eyes going wide when she wobbles, the dirty look completely wiped from her face. “Careful there,” he says, arm going out to steady her.

She turns her head and kisses the inside of his elbow, the closest piece of skin to her mouth. Then her hand is at his dick again. Her fingers wrap at the base of his cock and slide up, hand in a tight fist. The come she left on him has mostly been gathered up by her hand and she wipes the build up on his thigh. He still loves the way she tastes but she can’t stand much of it anymore, hasn’t since she entered her third trimester, and he assumed that she’d feel similarly about sucking him off.

There’s no hesitation from Tessa as she takes him in her mouth, proving that Scott needs to stop assuming anything when it comes to this brilliant, force of a woman. 

Her hand works what her mouth doesn’t take, her tongue firm along the length of him before licking at the head of his cock. With each bob of her head she takes him deeper in her throat, her cheeks hollowing every time she pulls off. Her wrist twists as she strokes him, her lips wrapped only around the tip of his dick and sucking with such gusto that leaves Scott feeling like he’s going to come already.

He gets a quick reprieve when Tessa pulls off to catch her breath and he makes the mistake of not looking away. Tessa spits the excess saliva onto his cock in a move that shouldn’t be sexy but one he finds highly erotic nonetheless. It creates a chain reaction: his dick twitches in her slick grip, her lips stretch into a smirk, and her chest heaves, still wrapped in that wonderfully sinful baby blue lace, a loud groan tearing through his throat at the sight. 

Tessa takes him back into her mouth, the room filling with the sloppy wet noises created by her working his dick. She takes him even deeper down her throat, hums lightly as her nose brushes against his pelvis before she swallows around him. “Babe,” he warns, his fingers threading in the damp hair at the crown of her head. “I’m close.” He knows she’s heard him, feels her pitched moan as much as he hears it, and yet she makes no attempt to pull away. If anything, she sucks harder.

Distantly, he thinks he should try harder to make sure he doesn’t come in her mouth, but that requires more brain power than he currently has when Tessa is quietly gagging around his cock. His grip on her hair grows tighter as her teeth lightly graze his length, the sensation amazing and toe curling, and then Tessa is zeroing in on the tip of his cock again, her wedding ring creating the best kind of friction along the pronounced vein at the underside of him. He barely gets the first syllable of her name out before he’s spilling into her mouth and pulling on her hair. There’s no stopping his hips from thrusting, something he hates himself for, but Tessa doesn’t seem to mind, managing to milk him, mouth and hand working in tandem. 

She’s staring at him when he opens his eyes again, his softening cock still between her swollen lips. She takes him in her mouth completely once more before she pulls off, leaving her lips to rub against his shiny tip. 

And then her lips purse and part just enough that her spit and his come slide out of her mouth and down his cock.

He thinks he might actually black out for a second because next thing he knows, Tessa is sitting back up, thick strings of their mess hanging from her chin until she wipes them away. She’s smirking, eyes hooded. “Was that okay?”

The only way he doesn’t tell her right then that he loves her, is to flip her onto her knees and dive face first between her thighs.

—

Tessa is regretting ever agreeing to present at this conference, and for letting Scott persuade her into doing it. She has three days before heading to Toronto and both tomorrow and the following day are filled with meetings. There’s nothing for it but to call Frank and Marian and ask if they can watch Nathan for a little bit longer today. 

There’s no answer from Frank but Marian picks up fairly quickly. “Hi Tessa, is everything okay?” Her mother-in-law sounds ever so slightly out of breath and Tessa worries that she might be asking for too much. 

“I’m working on the presentation for that women in tech conference,” she starts, eyes darting over the PowerPoint she’s working on. Maybe she could stay up late to finish in case Marian is too worn out. “Is everything okay there with you?”

“All good, just a little winded from Duck, Duck, Goose.” There’s a smile in Marian’s voice and it relaxes Tessa. “Do you need a little more time working on the presentation before Frank brings Nathan back?”

Tessa’s shoulders sag a little in relief. Marian has always been so good at just  _ knowing  _ what she needs. “Are you sure he’s not tiring you out too much?” 

“Of course not.” Marian lowers her voice. “And a little extra tiredness might be good, Frank’s been snoring extra loud with that cold and I’m finding it hard to sleep.” 

“I heard that!” comes a grumbling voice. “And I still don’t snore as loudly as you do!” The back and forth brings a smile to Tessa’s face that’s been absent in the hours she’s been working.

“I don’t snore!” Tessa’s heard Marian say this so many times, always sounding just as outraged as she does now. “Do I snore, Tessa?” 

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Tessa does know, very well. The first time she stayed with Jonathan’s family at their cabin she’d barely slept because down the hall it was like Frank and Marian were having a competition over who could snore louder. The winner changed nightly, but if she was pressed, Tessa would probably say that Frank was annoyingly persistent while Marian was irritatingly erratic and she couldn’t decide which was worse. 

“What about you, Nathan?” Frank asks. “Have you heard Grammy snore?”

There’s a pause on the line, and then Nathan gives a perfect impression of a Marian snore with just the right amount of asperity. Tessa can’t hear what response Marian makes because she’s laughing too hard. She’s still trying to catch her breath when Marian says, “We’ll let you get back to your work, honey. I have two men to deal with and then we’ll have Nathan back to you for this evening.”

The click of the phone echoes through the little moment of emptiness Tessa feels. She wishes she was there with them, wishes she was one of them. She still is a Brady, technically, and in some ways she always will be, but now she wonders if she should call herself that, if it’s right to, now that she’s having a baby with Scott. She scrolls back up through her draft presentation and highlights the Brady part of her name, deleting and then undoing, deleting and then undoing. It hurts to see it go, but she likes how her name looks on its own, as it was before. Tessa Virtue. Just her. She takes a deep breath in and a deep breath out, deciding to go back to this later. She has a few hours before Nathan returns and Scott and the girls come back from Danny’s, she needs to make them count. 

Somehow she gets to that beautiful place where all that’s on her mind is the task at hand, so much so that when the doorbell rings two hours later she almost feels a little woozy, like she’s moving from one state of being into another. Tessa sips on her water bottle as she makes her way up from the basement, smiling as the baby kicks. “Hey little one, I wonder who’s home? Daddy and your sisters or your big brother?”

She almost jumps when she opens the door to find Marian standing there with Nathan, a slightly too earnest smile plastered on her face. “Frank had a meeting at the club so I thought I’d leave Nathan home and finally see the house!”

“My room first, Grammy!” Nathan tugs Marian inside and then halfway up the stairs before Tessa has the wherewithal to follow them. By the time she reaches his room (which is taking a little longer than it used to all of a sudden) Nathan is scurrying around trying to show Marian anything and everything while her mother-in-law is holding the small photo frame of Nathan and Jonathan while staring at the large photo Scott framed. 

Marian turns around, eyes bright. “When did you get this done? It’s beautiful.”

Tessa is wondering how best to approach this when Nathan puts down one of his stuffed farmyard animals and points up to the picture, saying, “Scott made it!” 

It feels like there’s a hush to the room, but Tessa can’t tell if that’s just in her head. Marian turns around and arches an eyebrow, as if to check what Nathan is saying is true. Tessa nods, tucking her hair behind her ears just so her hands have something to do. “He loves carpentry. He’s very good at it.” It’s a bit of a lame statement, but she doesn’t know how much detail Marian wants. She’s assuming not a lot. 

Her mother-in-law runs her fingers delicately along the frame and Tessa can almost smell the resin and feel the smooth oak on her own fingertips. “This is lovely. I like that Nathan gets to see a picture of all three of you every day.” 

Tessa’s throat starts to close in a little and she rubs the bridge of her nose. “I like that too.” 

Nathan is tugging at her leg before she can really give in to the sadness. “Okay, Mama?”

Her fingers comb his curls back. “Just thinking about Dada, baby. Grammy and I miss him.” She can feel Marian’s eyes on her and is a little afraid of what she might be thinking, but when she looks up, she thinks she sees understanding. 

Her sweet boy presses a kiss to her leggings and then tugs on them again. “Your room now, Mama!” 

Marian shoots her a glance, checking that this is okay with her, and, after a quick mental runthrough of how thoroughly she’d tidied this morning, Tessa leads her in. After a quick comment about how much she likes Tessa’s bedspread, Marian is drawn to the vanity, sweeping her hands over the varnished wood. “This is gorgeous.” She lightly taps her fingers on the edge of the table. “Did Scott make this too?” 

“Mama’s Christmas present!” Nathan tells his grammy, voice rich with excitement. “Scott got a shed!” 

“For him to do his woodwork in,” Tessa explains. 

“Mama’s not allowed there,” Nathan says solemnly. Tessa has to fight the urge to roll her eyes. Scott has gotten extra protective of her lately, like a few wood chips would cause her to collapse. “Me and Becca and Mollie can go in with Scott. No other times.” 

“That’s because you have to be really careful with those tools,” Marian says with a nod.

“They’re dangerous,” Nathan informs them, his eyes widening behind his blue frames. 

“You’re right.” Tessa’s feels her eyes opening wider too, like she’s automatically mirroring her son. “Would you like to take Grammy back downstairs and show her the living room? We could have some tea and juice there,” she pauses, then adds a little extra enthusiasm, “and maybe some of those flapjacks we made yesterday?”

Her attempt to distract him from the tour of upstairs doesn’t seem to be working. “What about Scott’s room? And Mollie’s? And Becca’s?” He reaches out to tug on both her and Marian’s hands.

“Oh, I don’t need to see every room, Nathan,” Marian says quickly, looking to Tessa for help.

“Grammy hasn’t met them yet so it might not be quite right for her to be looking around their rooms. You wouldn’t like it if someone you didn’t know was in your room, right?” Nathan gives her a look that suggests he wouldn’t really care, and she’s not so sure that he would, truth be told. She tries for something a little more relevant. “You wouldn’t like someone you didn’t know playing with your toys without asking, and you know Mollie and Becca feel like that too. This would be a little like that.” 

Nathan doesn’t seem entirely convinced, but, after a surprisingly world-weary sigh, says, “Kitchen first,” and leads them down the stairs. 

After a not-so-thorough tour of the kitchen that mainly focuses on the fridge and the cupboards where the baked goods are kept, they settle down in the living room. Nathan polishes off his flapjack and then migrates to the carpet, picking out some cows and cars and setting up a race (the cows win of course). Tessa and Marian watch him from the couch, cups of green tea in hand. It’s what they’d drunk together all the time during her first pregnancy, the subtle smell reminding her of paint swatches in whites and creams and catalogues with endless pages of prams and pushchairs. 

Her little girl kicks her legs in an almost rhythmical dance and Tessa’s hands go to rest over her, the movement a call for contact. There’s a rush of magic to this still, even so far into her second pregnancy. She hadn’t dreamed of getting to feel this again, and even if there is a twinge of guilt sitting here with Marian, the main emotion is still joy, trickling through her and opening up small windows and little doors, blowing away the cobwebs. 

Marian shifts about, carefully placing her mug on a coaster that Becca had made years earlier, the bright green painted tortoise slightly faded from years of carrying mugs of tea and coffee. She clears her throat, and then asks, “May… could I?” 

Even though Marian is holding out her hand it takes Tessa a little moment to understand what she means. “Oh, of course.” She can feel a little tremor in her hand as she reaches out to take Marian’s and guide it down to where her daughter is kicking. 

Tears and a smile seem to dawn on her mother-in-law’s face simultaneously and Tessa lets out a sob, loud and unexpected. Marian blanches and withdraws her hand, “I’m sorry, Tessa.”

She grabs Marian’s hands and places them back on her stomach, giving a quick glance towards Nathan who is still engrossed with his little figures. “No, don’t be. I… I want to share this with you.” It's all she’s wanted this entire time.

Marian’s face crumples. “I’m sorry I handled the news so badly.” Before Tessa can assure her that it’s okay, that she understands, Marian is shaking her head. “I did. I let it go on far too long. You needed me and I wasn’t there.” Hot, violent tears start streaming from Tessa’s eyes and Marian reaches out to wipe them away, her hands soft and smelling of that L’Occitane cream she’s used for as long as Tessa has known her. Marian’s crying too, but her voice is surprisingly steady, like maybe these are words she knows, ones that have been marching around in her head, mixing and matching to find their best order. “I wanted this for you, Tess. I did. I wanted you to find someone new, someone you could have more babies with.” There’s something like a smile on Marian’s face, wistful and sad and regretful. Tessa has to look away. “I… I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I wasn’t ready.”

“I wasn’t ready either.” The words come out slightly garbled, gulps and hiccoughs in between. “It was too soon. I hadn’t got to a place where I could think about that. I wasn’t looking for someone but then…”

Marian’s hand finds her own, a soft squeeze that makes Tessa look up. “There he was,” Marian says simply. There’s no bitterness there, no artifice, and it’s like hearing those words clears something up for Tessa. 

There Scott was. And, knowing him as she does now, how couldn’t she have been drawn to him? 

But she still needs to make something clear for Marian. “I never dreamt of doing this with anyone but Jonathan. I wanted another baby with him so, so badly.” Speaking about it still opens up those wounds a little, pulling on the scar tissue. 

Marian strokes her hair, her voice as gentle as her touch. “I know, honey, I know. But… this is good too, right?” She gives a shrug that’s somehow defeated and yet hopeful. “You’re going to have a beautiful baby girl and she’s going to be so happy and so loved, just like Nathan is.” Marian closes her eyes, like she’s trying to gather herself. “He really is so happy. And he loves them — Mollie, and Becca, and Scott.”

He does. Her little boy adores them, and they adore him right back. “I know… that must be hard for you.”

Marian moves her head from side to side. “It is and it isn’t. I want him to be happy, I want him to be loved. I’d be a terrible grandmother if I didn’t. I don’t want to miss out on any time with him. And I don’t want to miss out on any time with you.” She takes a deep breath, sighing on the exhale, and her next sentence comes out with a new clarity. “I lost one child, Tessa, I don’t want to lose my other one.” 

Tessa doesn’t so much hug Marian as bury herself into her, challenging as that is with her ever-growing bump. She’s always been made feel like Marian’s daughter, or had been up until she told her about the pregnancy, but it’s never been stated quite like that, firm and incontrovertible, no modifiers. It feels like coming home. There’s a kiss to her temple and then another body joining in with the hug.

“Is everyone okay?” It’s such a grown-up phrase for her little guy and it hits her that the intonation is just like Scott’s when he goes to check on the kids.

“Yes, Grammy and I are just having a talk.” It’s more than that really, it’s a gift, a bridge to some place new with all the memories of where they came from. 

Marian snuggles Nathan into her side. “It’s important to tell the people we love how much we care about them, isn’t it?”

Nathan nods. “Every day.” 

“Every day,” Marian echoes, her eyes sending Tessa the apology she doesn’t want to reiterate in front of Nathan. 

Tessa places a kiss to Nathan’s cheek and then Marian’s, leaving her head resting against hers. Nathan launches into a review of the game he’d been playing and his voice and Marian’s steady breathing are the only sounds in the house until Scott’s car pulls up. Nathan sits up straight and then scrambles off the couch, calling out, “They’re back!”

Her body is too tired from all the emotional exertion to bother with getting up and Nathan alerts Scott and the girls to Marian’s presence by announcing that his grammy is here as soon as they get in the door. 

Scott comes into the living room with a grocery bag in each arm and an expression that grows in wariness when he takes in Tessa’s tear-stained face. She can see him struggling to figure out if he should be stepping in to protect her or if this is a good thing. “Marian came in to see the house when she was dropping Nathan off and then we felt the baby move.” 

A shy smile breaks out on Scott’s face and she knows her message has been conveyed. “It’s good to meet you, Mrs Brady. I…” He inclines a hand and then seems to remember the bags. “I’ll put these down and then say hello properly.”

After her dad heads out to the kitchen, Mollie walks straight up to Marian and holds out her hand to shake. “I’m Mollie. I’m Nathan’s sister so you’re kind of like my grammy too.” 

Tessa’s eyebrows shoot straight up, both girls have met Frank a few times when he’s been picking up Nathan or dropping him off and Mollie has never said anything like that to him. Marian seems charmed, laughing and saying, “I guess I kind of am. It’s really good to get to see you in person, I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you from Nathan. And you too, Becca.”

Becca isn’t quite as forthcoming as her sister, giving Marian a smile and a handshake before sitting right beside Tessa on the couch. Tessa’s a little surprised when Becca puts an arm around her and she can’t quite decipher if it’s for Becca’s comfort or her own. Mollie is more than happy to take control of the conversation, filling Nathan, Tessa and Marian in on all they’d got up to at Danny’s house. 

Mollie is just telling them all about the games she’d played with her cousins when Scott returns. It’s subtle enough that Marian might not realise, but Tessa can immediately tell that he’s spruced himself up. His hair is that little bit neater and she can smell the eucalyptus soap from the downstairs bathroom. She ducks her head to hide how wide she’s smiling.

Marian stands up and it’s only then that Tessa realises how nervous she is. It probably becomes clear to Scott too when she starts to speak. “It’s nice to meet you, Scott. I’ve heard many good things from Tessa and Jordan and Frank, and especially Nathan.” Altogether Marian isn’t a very threatening or imposing woman, and Tessa knows that Marian wants to like Scott, if only because Tessa and Nathan do, but she can see how tightly Marian shakes Scott’s hand. His eyebrows tick up a fraction but he keeps a cool, if not mildly nervous, smile on his face. “About how good you are with him and the girls,  _ and _ that commendation from the Mayor for saving that family.” 

Tessa’s still trying to figure out when Jordan and Marian have been discussing Scott when she comes out with the gem about the mayoral commendation. She’s fairly certain that information came from cyberstalking rather than any discussions Marian has had, seeing as it was what came up for Tessa when she googled him back when they first started sleeping together. 

Scott’s smile shifts into something more bashful and Tessa swears that she can sense Marian settle. “It’s so nice to meet you too, and to have you here. I know it means a lot to Tessa.” 

Marian returns his smile and Tessa finds herself getting overwhelmed, laying a hand on Becca’s knee to ground herself. Before Marian can say anything else her phone starts buzzing and she’s rummaging through her purse. “It’s Frank, he’s probably wondering where I am.” She types in a quick text and then looks back up. “I’d better get going but I’m sure I’ll be seeing you all soon.” 

After Marian gives Nathan lots of kisses and cuddles, Tessa follows her out into the hall, ignoring Marian’s instructions that she stay seated. When they get to the door Tessa says, “I know you probably weren’t expecting to see everyone.”

Marian laughs. “I had been actually, I thought they’d be here when I was dropping Nathan off.” She squeezes Tessa’s arm. “I think it worked out better this way though. I’m glad we got to talk like that.” 

“Me too.” She wraps her arms around her, no longer fearing rejection. “I love you.”

Marian holds on tighter. “And I love you. So much.” She steps back, fixing Tessa’s hair before saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow and we can sort out details about Nathan coming over when you’re away at the conference. Have a good night.”

After the door closes Tessa lingers in the hallway, taking in the sound of her three kids laughing together. Scott walks out of the living room slowly, like he’s not sure if she wants him there. She tugs his hand and pulls him towards her. 

“You had a good visit?” he asks, voice soft and warm.

“We did. I’ll tell you about it later.” She tips his chin down so that she can kiss him and can feel the surprise radiating off him. He soon relaxes into it though. Following one last kiss she asks, “Did you have anything for dinner in those bags? Because I prepared nothing earlier.”

Scott grins. “I just might, if you’re lucky.”

“I am,” she says, light but firm. 

His eyebrows furrow a little. “Yeah?”

“Yes.” She presses a quick kiss to his cheek and then leads him down towards the kitchen. “Now come on, we need to feed these kids.”

—

The kids aren’t asleep just yet but they are all huddled together on his bed down the hall, watching, to his utter dismay,  _ Frozen _ . He can hear that damn song about summer from Tessa’s bedroom and he has half a mind to shut the door, just so the soundtrack won’t infiltrate his dreams again.

Tessa stares down at her empty suitcase, one hand rubbing her belly while she chews on her bottom lip. “Should I go with something that downplays my stomach?”

“Do you own anything that could still do that?” he asks gently. Maybe a parka would hide it but Scott doesn’t think Tessa wants to present looking like she’s ready to set out on an arctic adventure. She frowns in his direction and mumbles to herself as she walks over to her closet, the sound of her hangers scraping along the rod following soon after. 

He knows she’s nervous of being judged, a feeling that hasn’t crept up in a long while for either of them. Once the truth was out to everyone that mattered, they slipped into a bubble of sorts, a beautiful space where love and contentment was able to grow alongside their grief. Now that Tessa is stepping out as a public figure again, she’s nervous about headlines and as much as Scott thinks it’s going to be okay, he can’t blame her for worrying.

He picks up the baby name book that showed up on their doorstep yesterday (they have no idea who sent it but he’d put money on it being his mom, Kate, or Marian) and opens up to the letter E, their bookmark the list of names they’ve come across in the beginning of the alphabet. Abigail is crossed out messily and in crayon and he laughs when he realizes the kids must’ve gone through the book too. “Abigail is no longer for our consideration,” he says once Tessa reappears. 

“Why not?” He holds up the list and she laughs but nods. “Well if the kids don’t like it…” Tessa holds up two shirts, one orange and one white, both vastly different styles. As much as he loves how the orange one falls at her chest, he has a feeling she won’t want to show that much skin.

“The white one.” She doesn’t look convinced but she does leave the white shirt next to her suitcase before disappearing into the closet. “Should I read some out loud?” Tessa hums from behind two dresses that look exactly the same except one is pink and the other is blue and he chuckles a little when it reminds him of that Disney movie. 

Tessa keeps moving about as he goes down the list of names. The ones he can pronounce anyway. Seriously, how is he supposed to pronounce Eady? He flips ahead a few pages, sure that they’re not going to find anything they like while in double vowel territory, skips over Elizabeth when he gets that far down the list too. If Tessa notices the omission, she doesn’t let on. By the time he gets near the end of the Es, he’s only written down two names: Eleanor (the first name to actually make Tessa pause amid her packing) and Esme (his pick, mostly because it means loved and he can’t think of a better way to describe their baby girl).

He jumps past real words too, like Euphoria, glad that they both agree that it’s weird to use words as names. And then, without any fanfare or forethought, Scott says the next name on the list. “Eva.” Tessa’s head pops up, hands stilling mid fold. He says the name again, turning it over in his mouth, says it as slow as two short syllables will allow. He looks up to see Tessa’s face visibly brighten, green eyes going wide and lips twitching, like she doesn’t want to let on how much she likes it. He clears his throat. “Eva,” he says for the third time and it feels like the letters start to carve themselves into his heart. “Variation of Eve. Hebrew for life.”

Tessa rolls back her shoulders, attempts to casually add her pajamas to her suitcase, though he can tell from the way she’s started fiddling with her wedding ring that she’s excited and nervous. “What do you think?” Not even a hitch in her voice, which is a lot more than he thinks he’ll be able to achieve.

“I love it,” he admits. This baby girl of theirs is the reason they are living the life they have now. Without her, Scott has no idea where they would be. Certainly not in this house. Would he and Tessa even be seeing each other still? Or would they have already gone their separate ways? He wants to think they’d still be doing whatever it is this is, but they wouldn’t be as close as they are now. And the kids! His girls have a brother and Nathan has sisters and, even though it’s not something he would say out loud so plainly, he has a son now too. 

It may not be the life either of them thought they would have, but it is the life they built in the ashes of grief at the quiet insistence of their Eva.

Tessa’s grin is near blinding. There’s even a little pep in her step as she rounds the bed to where he sits. “Really?”

He laughs and tosses the book closed, not bothering to mark the page. “Don’t you?”

She buries her head against his, holding him as close as she can. “Yes, but I had to be sure you did too,” she murmurs. She presses a kiss just above his ear. “It feels perfect… like when I read Nathan’s name for the first time.” When she stands back up, her hand has found a home over her heart. “Eva.” It sounds like a prayer, reverent and awed. 

“You don’t want to keep going through the book?” He doubts they’ll find anything more perfect but he also knows how thorough Tessa likes to be. She’s already shaking her head before he even gets the question out. Scott palms Tessa’s belly, thumbs rubbing softly back and forth. “Are you our Eva, baby girl?”

He doesn’t get a kick but Tessa giggles. “She definitely turned a bit at that.” He’ll take it. Scott leans forward and kisses her belly, loud and exaggerated, before blowing a raspberry to make Tessa laugh louder. He’s rewarded with a push right against his lips. “Oh that was weird to experience pregnant,” Tessa laughs. 

It’s only after Tessa has gone back to packing (after a solid few minutes of making out) and Scott’s left laying on her bed that he realizes there’s more to it than just picking out the baby’s first name. Does Tessa want to give Eva his last name? Or will she want to use her maiden name? He’s about to ask when their brood walks in, Nathan looking a little tearful. “Nathan got upset when Hans left Anna to D-I-E,” Becca explains, her hand holding tight onto Nathan’s. 

“I tried to tell him that she doesn’t,” Mollie adds. Her interest is quickly getting pulled away from her siblings, her eyes running over the two outfits Tessa still hasn’t decided on. “Is that for your trip?”

Scott scoops Nathan onto the bed so he can walk up to Tessa, the little boy eagerly making his way to his mama. He throws his little arms around her neck and drapes his body over hers. Becca settles herself in Scott’s lap, picking up the book they no longer need. “Mollie didn’t like Abigail so I let her cross it out,” Becca whispers.

“You’re taking your big sister role very seriously.”

Becca looks affronted that he’d think any different. “Names are very important, Daddy.”

Tessa is still rubbing Nathan’s back when she clears her throat. “Okay, do I wear the black dress or the top and slacks?” 

Mollie takes a deep breath, puts her hand on top of Tessa’s free one. “Both are not nice.” Mollie at least sounds regretful that she’s just dashed Tessa’s wardrobe hopes. “Pants are  _ so _ boring,” she adds. He’s starting to wonder just where Mollie’s sudden aversion to pants have come from, especially given the fact they’re in winter. 

Tessa looks to Becca, eyebrows raised hopefully. Becca smiles when she says, “Let’s look at your other dresses.” Tessa, honest to god, pouts, looking forlorn at the outfits she had spent the better part of an hour agonizing over. Scott isn’t able to stop the chuckle that rumbles in his throat, earning him a glare from Tessa as she kisses Nathan’s temple.

With Tessa and the girls going back to the closet, Nathan comes and curls up in his lap, eyes looking heavy below his glasses. “Tired, buddy?”

Nathan nods through a yawn. He pulls Scott’s arm around him tighter. “Can we read books?”

“In a little bit.” He drops a kiss to Nathan’s curls. “Promise.”

All three of his girls walk back into the bedroom, a completely different dress slung over Tessa’s arm. Everyone looks pleased, even Tess, who he knows hadn’t really been sold on anything she’d picked out. “Okay, I think I’m all packed then,” she announces with a tiny nod, her suitcase clicking shut. “I wish I could take you all with me.”

Truthfully, Scott had considered it. Calling in sick to work, keeping the girls out of school and their extracurriculars, and just going over to Toronto with her. He could take the kids around the city while Tessa was at the conference and then the five of them could meet up for dinner, fall asleep in the same room like they had on New Year’s Eve. But it’s just two days and Toronto is only two hours away and there will be times that they won’t be able to all stay together so he may as well start adjusting to it now.

Just two days, he repeats to himself. Really, not even a full two days. He’ll see her off in the morning after an early breakfast that Jordan is joining them for. They’ll be fine.

He’ll still miss her anyway.

Becca smiles at Tessa. “Maybe once the baby is born we can all go to Toronto.” 

“Oh, that’s a lovely idea, Becca.” Maybe they could do that this summer, a nice little family vacation. He doesn’t bother hiding his grin, chooses instead to show Tessa who looks like she’s had the very same idea. 

Mollie tries to climb into his lap but Nathan lets out a soft grunt and sticks his legs out so there’s less room which makes Mollie scowl at her brother. Before a war can start in his lap, Scott announces that it’s time to get ready for bed. “We have an early morning if we want to say goodbye to Tessa.”

Tessa takes extra long saying goodnight to the kids, so much so that he’s surprised that she finds him after they’ve kissed goodnight. “I thought you’d be settling in bed right now,” he says, dusting off his sheet. He’s not sure why either of them thought it was a good idea to let the kids eat popcorn in his bed. There’s no way he won’t be waking up to a kernel or two smooshed against his back.

She smiles in response but it’s small and guarded and it’s strange that she’s standing at the foot of the bed, like she isn’t sure if she should come closer. He decides to wait her out, just while he does his best to clean his bed, thankful that when he reaches for her hand, she takes it. “Is it weird that I miss you already?”

He brings her close, slips an arm around her waist and pushes his hand against her lower back, right over the spot she’s massaging more and more often. “No,” he sighs. “Because I’ve already had to talk myself out of going with you  _ at least _ three times.”

That makes her relax against him, her smile warm and easy once more. “It feels a little silly,” she admits. 

“Nothing you feel is silly.” She lifts her chin and kisses him, thoroughly, completely, leaves him breathless. “Did you want to lay down for a bit?”

Her hands slide down his arms until she can hold his hands. “Will you come lay with me in my bed?” she counters. Her bed has become a carefully constructed nest, for lack of a better term. While he’s known Tessa to sleep on the right side of the bed, she’s moved closer to the center for the time being, allowing her to nestle comfortably inside the (ridiculously huge) U shaped pregnancy pillow she has. Any cuddling they’ve done has felt more like a sleep pile, the pillow feeling like two other people in the bed with them. 

But he’s not one to turn Tessa down and certainly not when it’s such a simple request.

His hand goes to her stomach as soon as they’re both settled in Tessa’s bed. He’s happy that she seems to enjoy, at least for now, how much he loves her stomach. His mom (and later his cousins, sister-in-laws, and Sarah) always told him that it’s rude to touch a woman’s belly without asking. Sarah had been happy to indulge him until her third trimesters, though she would always, very fondly, call him a weirdo. “You’ll tell me if I’m ever overstepping with the touching, yeah?”

She rolls her eyes but promises that she will. He watches her fingers join his, walking down the curve of her belly until she can feel the rough patches of his hand, the pronounced vein that runs from his wrist to knuckle. “Can I tell you something?” Her voice is low, barely above a whisper, and he tells her, in the same hushed tone, that she can tell him anything. “I miss Jonathan a lot right now.”

Maybe he should feel some type of way about her admission, hurt or angry or sad, but he doesn’t, not one bit. He’s thought a lot of Sarah recently, of what it was like to bring their kids into the world, or what it was like when they were happy, and he knows that it’s not the same way that Tessa misses her husband, knows that what Tessa had with Jonathan, while not perfect, was deeper than what he shared with Sarah. A stronger love was there, a kind of love Scott’s not sure he’s ever experienced before Tessa.

(He may have never met Jonathan but he knows that the two of them would agree, without a doubt, that there’s something special about loving Tessa.)

“I’m not unhappy,” Tessa adds quickly. He can see the distress wrinkling the edges of her eyes in the low light of her room. “I’m… sometimes it feels like the happiness will burst out of me. Even when the kids are squabbling or Marner is scratching up our wood floors or you leave coffee in the pot overnight which drives me absolutely insane. It still feels like something I shouldn’t feel yet but I do and I just...” She releases a heavy sigh and he turns his hand so that he can lace their fingers together. Eva presses against the back of his hand. “I wish I could tell him. And I know that makes no sense. If he were here, this-” Tears start to gather in her eyes and, stubbornly, Tessa squeezes her eyes shut, shaking her head to herself.

“It’s okay, Tess,” he says. “I know what you mean.”

Her next breath wobbles. “I miss sharing all my happiness with him.”

She looks absolutely terrified that she’s just admitted that out loud, her whole body on the verge of trembling. She holds his hand so tight that he thinks she expects him to want to let go. He brings their joined hands to his mouth, kisses her knuckles before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. “I wish that you still could.”

“But our Eva,” she says simply. “I want to tell him about our Eva. I want to tell him about you and the girls. I want to tell him everything… I told him everything for over ten years of my life. It’s weird to not do it now.”

Scott knows that he’ll never replace Jonathan but he finds himself wishing, right then, that one day, Tessa will feel that way about him. If life could spare him any more luck than it’s already blessed him with.

“Maybe you should go visit him soon,” he suggests. “It might help.” Tessa nods but he can tell that he’s not addressed what was really unsettling her. “Hey, I know that you missing Jonathan doesn’t diminish how you feel about all of this.”

She sniffs, indelicate and loud. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he answers with a little laugh. “I thought you knew that I knew there’s four adults in this house. You, me, Jonathan, and Sarah. The kids have pictures of them everywhere.” That makes her laugh and give him a little shove in the shoulder. He relaxes, realizing only then how tense he was. “They’re always going to be here, Tess. It’d be weird if they weren’t, I think.”

Moving part of the pillow out of the way, Tessa scoots closer so that she’s pressed against him, arm sliding around his shoulder, leg hooking over his own. “Do you know how wonderful you are?”

“Eh,” he brushes off, kissing the very tip of her nose. “I know that I’m lucky.”

It still feels weird to think of himself as lucky considering Sarah is dead, but he can’t think of a better word to describe the circumstances. He’s still devastated that his girls had to lose their mother, that he lost the woman he grew up with, but he’s found Tessa and Nathan and now they have Eva. This life of his is better than anything he could have imagined coming his way in the wake of loss.

—

She wishes Jonathan was here. It’s not like that feeling has gone away, she’d talked about it with Scott the night before she left for Toronto, but it hasn’t been this strong for a while. And it’s a little bit strange really, because even when they’d gone to conferences together they’d almost always opted for a divide and conquer strategy. It’s not as if he’d usually been there with her backstage for some encouragement and a kiss on the cheek before she went on. But she’d love that from him now.

Tessa opens up her phone and searches for the photo of them the day the app launched, smiling when she finds it. They both look so young and so very, very tired. She’s fairly sure she got more sleep when Nathan was a newborn than she had in those early days of the business. Placing the phone against her heart she closes her eyes and just thinks of him for a few seconds, lets herself imagine him here — his stubble tickling her forehead, the smell of his aftershave, his hands on her back. Then she opens her eyes, slips her phone into her purse, and leaves the room.

The nerves don’t quite disappear completely as she waits for the panel who are on before her speech to finish up. She’s almost regretting telling Jordan to sit in the audience and not agreeing to her offer to hang around backstage. But this feels like something she should do alone. She adjusts her dress again, the pink one that Becca and Mollie had helped her pick out. There’d been a video message waiting for her this morning from the girls, Nathan and Scott, filmed just before they went out the door to school and thinking back on their earnest faces when they wished her good luck makes it a little easier to relax. Even if this presentation doesn't go as well as she’d like, or people aren’t impressed when they realise she’s pregnant and the baby isn’t Jonathan’s, she gets to go home to them tomorrow. Her shoulders loosen up and when they call out her name (a simple Tessa Virtue, co-founder of Instagram) she walks out with a smile. She’s not ready to let go of being a Brady entirely, but professionally Virtue feels like the right choice for where she is now. 

Everything is fine once she gets started, she’s been telling crowds about her experience as a woman in the tech industry for quite some time now and the audience here is attentive and engaged. The question and answer session after her presentation hums along nicely too, until she gets tongue-tied all of a sudden when asked for more information about balancing motherhood along with her work. The first part of her answer is fine, she talks about how she’d cut down her hours so that she could be home with Nathan, about how much help she gets from her mom and Jonathan’s parents. But then she comes along to the new baby and her plans for when they come along. 

“I’m so lucky to have such a supportive…” Scott is on the tip of her tongue like he’s an entity all of his own, and, along with the crisis of what exactly he is, there’s also the fact that she doesn’t want to mention him by name just yet in case people start invading his privacy. It doesn’t feel right to go into it all here, at an event that’s tied to her work with Jonathan, but she can’t act like Scott doesn’t exist either, like he’s not vitally important. “The baby’s dad is amazing, and I know I’m in a very privileged position to have such a good support system as well as the resources to take time off or pay for childcare if that was the route I chose to go down.”

People start clapping so she doesn’t have to continue and there are two more questions before the event wraps up. She answers them as best she can but the question of who exactly Scott is to her keeps running around her head in the background, like the hum of Nathan’s baby monitor in her room at night. 

Tessa spends time afterwards talking to members of the audience, some young entrepreneurs, some students from U of T, and just as the crowd is thinning and she’s about to make her way over to Jordan, she’s approached by a woman who looks to be just a little younger than her. Her skin is ridiculously perfect and Tessa is seriously wondering whether she can ask about her beauty regime when she introduces herself as Alexandra Paul, a literary agent. 

They talk about the conference for a while and then Alexandra says, “I loved your talk. Have you ever thought about writing a book about your life?”

Tessa avoids snorting. “My life? I don’t think so.” Her eyebrows narrow. “I did get some offers for a book about losing Jonathan. I’m not interested in that, thank you, Alexandra.” She picks up her bag and gets ready to go.

“It’s Alex, please. That’s just a part of the story though, not to minimise your loss but… There’s so much more to you than that. You used to dance, you were the business brain of an app that changed social media, and, yes, you lost the person you built that with and had to find a new way of being. When I was listening to you today I could feel what that story meant to the women here, and you could reach so many more people if you wrote all that down.” She pauses, “I understand if that’s not something you’re interested in, I respect that, and I know that maybe now isn’t the best time to be asking,” she nods down towards Tessa’s bump, “but… maybe think about it?” 

She hands Tessa a business card and, as Tessa runs her finger over the embossed lettering, she remembers a conversation she had with Scott where they joked about writing that manual for people who lose a spouse. She knows she couldn’t write  _ the _ book on that, but the idea of them writing a book about it together doesn’t seem so crazy. “I’m not saying no,” she tells Alex who beams back.

“Well, that was better than I was expecting,” she laughs. “You can contact me whenever, there’s no rush.” They shake hands again, their hands bouncing from Alex’s excitement. “Congratulations on the new baby, Tessa, they’re lucky to have a mom like you.” 

After Alex leaves, it’s finally just Tessa and her sister. She slumps into Jordan’s side and asks, “Can we go to our hotel and eat room service in our pyjamas?”  

“Yes please.” Jordan gives her a squeeze. “I’m proud of you, Tess. You were fantastic up there.”  

It’s the second compliment she’s not so sure about in the space of three minutes, but knowing Jordan so well makes this one a little easier to accept. “You must be so glad you had all that work to do in the Toronto office yesterday that meant you had to join me on this trip,” Tessa drawls, complete with eye roll to finish the sentence off.

Jordan just laughs. “I am! I got so much done yesterday and then I got to hear you speak.”

If her sister wants to keep insisting she had actual work to do Tessa is going to let her. She needs to conserve her energy for getting back to the hotel (which maybe is a sign that having someone along with her is a good idea, not that she’s going to admit that out loud).

One FaceTime session home, two grilled cheeses and three quarters of a tub of hummus later, Tessa is nestling under her hotel covers, ready for an early night. And then Jordan says, “So, you have a supportive…” She throws her hands up in a universal gesture of questioning. 

“I said the baby’s dad is amazing!” Tessa plumps up the pillows behind her, turning away so that her sister can’t see that she’s pouting and tease her for it.

It’s not enough to stop her. “Are you just going to keep referring to Scott as your baby daddy from here on out?”

“Maybe I will.” It’s accurate, if not much else.

Jordan twists her hair up into a bun and rolls her eyes. “Okay, so you’ll be seventy-five and at Tanith and Charlie’s golden wedding anniversary party and introducing Scott to the other guests as your baby daddy?”

God, she hopes not, Becca would kill her. “Well, to be fair, by that time in the future maybe that will be the usual title people go by.”

Jordan doesn’t laugh like Tessa is expecting her to, just sits in silence for a few seconds. “But you do want Scott there with you when you’re seventy-five?” 

Tessa opens her mouth to say it’s too early for that, but the words don’t come out. The lights in the room seem too bright so she closes her eyes, and then her mind is filled with images of what that might look like, her and Scott with papery skin but Scott still handsome, still with that same smile. It’s want she feels then, along with some nervousness, some fear, and more than a little guilt. But it’s mainly want, the kind of want that drives her, the one that had made her top of her class at school, the one that had her working every hour of the day to make the business a success, the one that kept her going when all those pregnancy tests were negative. She wants to be with Scott for as long as she can be, she wants to live in their house and raise their kids together, to have their kids come home and visit them after they leave, to bring their own kids home for visits with Nonee and Grandpa. 

That’s what she wants.

And when she says, “Yes,” out loud, the world doesn’t shatter around her. She’s still here, still safe, and her baby is still moving about, content. There aren't any worries about Nathan and the girls and Scott back home in London either. She feels secure in what she’s saying, secure that she’s not tempting fate. It’s just a new breath, and the next one comes just as easy. 

When she opens her eyes she sees that Jordan has turned the lights off and before she can ask why her sister explains, “It’s like when we shared a room back in high school, right? 

Tessa pulls up the bedspread to under her chin, smiling to herself. They’d spent so many nights after the lights went out talking about school and friends and boys, and eventually girls when Jordan started whispering about a blonde in her chemistry class. Maybe she has a type. “How are things with you and Ashley?” 

She’s expecting Jordan to shuffle and squirm about or say something dreadfully non-committal, but instead her sister pipes up with, “I’m in love.” 

Maybe because she’s been caught so off-guard Tessa squeals and kicks her feet, sounding exactly like the girl she was back in their room rather than the soon-to-be mother of four she is now. “Oh my God! This is so exciting!”

Jordan shushes her, but Tessa can tell that her sister is feeling a little bit giddy too. “It’s going really well. I told people in the Toronto office yesterday.”

“You did?” There’s more of a hush to Tessa’s voice than surprise, she knows what a big deal this is. Jordan had never told anyone at work about any of her relationships, with men or with women. 

“Yeah, I did. They were asking about how life in London is, and Ashley’s a big part of that so… It felt like the right thing to do.” 

“Good for you.” Tessa moves around in the bed so that she’s facing Jordan, even if she can’t really see her face in this light. “Have you told Ashley?”

“That we’re together?” Jordan says, sounding very wry, before getting serious once Tessa clicks her tongue. “Yes, I’ve told her how I feel. And, uh, luckily she feels the same.” Tessa hugs her arms tightly around herself, her face beginning to hurt from how wide her smile is. “I know she would have loved to tell you, but I felt like I should first? I hope that’s okay.”

“It is, of course it is.” There is a new dynamic to get used what with Ashley now being closer to Jordan than to Tessa herself, but she couldn’t imagine a better situation really. She’s never seen either of them more serious about someone. “I’m so happy for you two. I really, really am.” In the months right after the accident, she doesn’t think she’d have been able to say that and mean it, and now she can.

There’s a little lull that feels warm and natural, the happiness radiating from each of them filling the room and making Tessa feel like she’s wrapped in love. Jordan props her head on top of her hand. “Can I ask… have you told Scott how you feel?”

It hits Tessa that she hasn’t put a word on that yet, even though the word is so clear, so obvious to her now. Of course in this relationship where they’ve put multiple carts in front of the horse would she admit to wanting to be with Scott in forty years rather than tying her emotions to a simple four-letter word.

Except maybe it’s not entirely simple. It’s been connected to some other four-letter words, some of which have been oh so complex: loss — what led to their meeting; (to) fuck — what drew them together, what they’d mistakenly thought had been all that was between them; hope — the baby, the kids, the house, the future. 

Love. 

Both the intertwining thread and the destination for all three. 

She loves Scott. She loves his kindness, his strength, his vulnerability. She loves the dad he is, so caring and steadfast. She loves how he touches her, from those first desperate moments in his car last April to the everyday wonder that is being with someone who knows you as intimately as they can and still wants to learn more. She loves how understanding he is about her love for Jonathan, a feeling she can’t imagine ever going away. She loves, she loves, she loves.

It doesn’t feel wrong to realise just how much she cares for Scott. There’s no conflict over whether this is the right or wrong thing to do, which surprises her a little, maybe even a lot. But it just feels so natural, like it’s not even the next step but a path she’s been on for quite some time. It’s hard to know just how long she’s been feeling this way, there’s no one moment she can pick out. It just  _ is _ . He’s Scott, she’s Tessa and together with their kids they’ve made a family. 

Maybe she’d been afraid to admit it to herself for fear that things might fall apart, or that something bad would happen, but Tessa has never been a coward, especially when it comes to Scott. She’s been brave to the point of foolhardy with him, and if she had to pinpoint why she thinks that, even with all the risks involved with their relationship, he’s always made her feel so safe. Like being on an edge but always knowing that there’s a safe place to land. She trusts him absolutely, and nothing could showcase that more than the fact that there hadn’t even been a question in her mind about leaving Nathan in his care while she went to the conference. 

She loves him. And she thinks that maybe Scott might love her too. The way he looks at her sometimes lately has been a little too much, she can’t quite meet his eyes because it might overpower her. Perhaps she’s needed this bit of space to see things for what they are, to be able to name her feelings without them overwhelming her. And now that she does know the next step must be to go back and tell him. 

Maybe before that she should actually give Jordan a response. “Not yet. But… I want to, soon.” 

“ _ Tess _ .” She thinks she can hear tears in Jordan’s voice, and it makes her get all choked up too. Jordan flops back down on the mattress and Tessa wonders if she’s hugging herself like Tessa did earlier. “That makes me really happy.”

Tessa takes a steadying breath, or what’s meant to be one but ends up being more of a juddering sob. “I never expected this. Never mind so soon.”

Jordan slips into bed beside her, carefully putting an arm around her. “I know you didn’t. I’m sure Scott didn’t either, but the two of you… You’re so good together, you really are.” She knows that Jordan wouldn’t lie to her, especially about something of this magnitude, but the conviction in her voice is still reassuring. 

“I just went to group and… there he was.” There’s probably more dreaminess to Tessa’s rendition of that phrase than there had been to Marian’s, but at its heart it remains the same. Tessa doesn’t want to think about fate, can’t bear to think about how she had to lose Jonathan to get to this, but… If she had to lose Jonathan and Scott and the girls had to lose Sarah then maybe after that they were put in the same place to find each other. Not that it was a given, they had to work for it, they still have to work for it but… She can’t imagine living this new part of her life without Scott and Becca and Mollie and somehow it feels like they were meant to find each other, that they were meant to be a family. 

“You  _ hated _ him at the start.” Jordan laughs and starts speaking over Tessa’s attempts to argue that she didn’t really hate Scott, not properly. “That should have been my first clue that you were attracted to him when you didn't want to be, you don’t hate people. Not without better reasons anyway.”

“I don’t think I was attracted to him at the start though, I don’t think I was in a place to notice.” She can’t remember not being attracted to him either however. 

“That must have been around a year ago, right? It was towards the end of February you finally started going.” 

Tessa had forgotten how long it had taken Jordan to persuade her to go. “Wait, it must actually be really close to exactly a year.” She sits up and reaches for her phone, flicking back in time through her planner past midwife appointments and house viewings and a lot of subtle ‘meeting S’ notes to find the date of the first group session she attended. “Fuck, it’s today. We met a year ago today.” Her hand goes to her thirty-four week bump and it’s she who starts laughing first, then Jordan joining in, the noise getting louder and louder. “Stop!” she manages to get out between pants. “I need to pee! And then I should ring Scott.”

She gets to the bathroom as fast as she can, dropping her phone in the pocket of one of the fluffy gowns hanging up on the door. When she’s washing her hands after the mirth departs and she’s left with a reprise of the guilt that was so commonplace in the early days of her relationship with Scott. It’s been a year since she went to a group to discuss the loss of the husband she adored and here she is, having a baby with someone else. Her eyes flit away from the mirror, not wanting to look at the person reflected back at her until she forces herself to put her chin up and gaze right at her. She’s the same Tessa. A little older, a little stronger, a lot more ready to keep going with her life and not remain stuck. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s not bad for her and it’s not bad for Nathan. She deserves to be happy, for him and for herself. And Scott deserves to be happy. So why can’t they be happy together? 

Tessa picks her phone up and perches on the side of the bath, trying to get as comfortable as she can, before dialling his number. He picks up almost straight away and she can tell from his breathing that he’s anxious.

“Tess, is everything okay? Do you need anything?” 

“I’m sorry, I should have text beforehand.” She rushes out her words, trying her best to reassure him. “I’m good, I promise. Baby and I are both good.” 

“I wasn’t expecting a call after you said you were going to have an early night, you had me worried.” She can picture him in his bed, rubbing his eyes with one hand while the other holds the phone to his ear.

“You must have had it right by your side if you picked it up so fast.” It’s part tease, part her wondering how much he’s been worrying about her being away on this trip.

She hears him scratching at something, his hair she thinks. “I guess… I’m not used to you being this far away. If something did happen… I’d want to be there as soon as possible.” 

How did it take her this long to own up to what she feels for this man? How could anyone not love him with all his caring, all his honesty? “You would be if you had to, but you don’t. I’m not used to being this far away from you and the kids either.”

“You’ve got one of them with you though, has she been good for mama?” There’s so much sweetness in his voice when he talks about their baby.

Tessa rubs her hand over the expanse of her stomach, smiling. “She has. Takes after her brother and sisters.”

“Not her dad?” 

“Hmmm, I’m not so sure. Her dad didn’t behave so well the first few times we met.” Tessa waits until he stops laughing to let him the reason behind her call. “It’s a year today since the first time we met. Jordan and I were talking about it so I went through my planner and… yeah, it’s exactly a year today.”

“Wow. That’s...” The wonder is clear in his voice.

“Crazy?” Scott murmurs his agreement. “It’s crazy that I’ve only known you a year when it feels like I’ve known you so much longer, but it’s also crazy that we’ve known each other a year and…”

There’s a bit of mirth in his words, the laughter from earlier creeping back in. “We’re living together and having a baby in six weeks?” Six weeks. She can’t wait to meet their daughter. She must get a little distracted thinking about that because Scott sounds nervous when he speaks again. “No regrets?”

“None.” She’s speaking as fast and firm as she can. “I wouldn’t change this. It wasn’t… it wasn’t the easiest way to go about things, but… we’re going to have our baby, and we have our kids, and we have each other, and I wouldn’t want it any different.” 

There’s another little lull and then he says, “I wish you were here.” 

“I wish I was with you too.” She wants to just climb in beside him and fall asleep with his arms around her, his hands resting over their girl. 

“You will be tomorrow.” He’s relaxing now, she can tell. 

“Tomorrow,” Tessa repeats. ‘I love you’ is on on her tongue, teasing at her lips, but it should wait a little longer. She wants to tell him to his face, to be able to kiss him after, to show him how she feels with words, body and deed. “Do you want to talk to your daughter?” 

Scott jumps at the chance and she lowers the phone down near her stomach, listening to the man she loves pour devotion on their child. He’s certainly not the person she imagined him to be that first night at group, and her life is all the better for it. 

—

Scott leaves the station as fast as he can, not taking as long to chat with the guys coming in for the evening shift as he usually does when he’s coming off days. He knows that Tessa is back home from Toronto and he can’t wait to see her again. Taking the day off to be there when she returned had been an idea under some serious consideration but he doesn’t want to ask for too much when he knows he’ll be handing in his notice very soon. Plus he thinks Nathan will probably have appreciated the extra time alone with his mama. The little guy had been so good for the past few days, but Scott thinks another night would have been too much for him. Nathan had been a little tearful going to bed after the FaceTime call with Tessa and only the promise that he’d see her the next afternoon along with a lot of cuddles had succeeded in getting him settled and ready to nod off. 

The girls are both at their activities, Mollie at hockey and Becca at dance, so it will just be him, Tessa and Nathan in the house as they prepare dinner. His mom is going to drop Becca back while Mollie is getting a lift with Charlie and CJ. It had made him really happy this morning when Becca had suggested they have one of Tessa’s favourites for dinner to welcome her home, though he is a tad suspicious that this wasn’t a 100% selfless gesture seeing as Becca and Tessa share a lot of the same likes. The makings of his mom’s lasagne are always at home so there’s no need to stop at the grocery store on his way back. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the country song on the radio, glad that he no longer has to miss his girl like the singer is lamenting. 

Not having Tessa around for two days had been more of a pull than he’d anticipated. He had known he would miss her of course, but it had stung sharper than he was prepared for. He’d become so used to having her close to him, so accustomed to being in the same place. There had been no goodnight or good morning kisses, no whispered conversations while the kids were falling asleep. He missed her for her, but he also missed the balance she brings to their family. It’s only just over two months since they’ve been living all together but it had felt like he’d already forgotten what it was like to parent alone. He had to be everywhere at once, and that was even with having the support of his mom whenever he needed her as well as Kate and the Bradys who’d taken care of Nathan during the day. It’s so much easier with Tessa there to bounce off or for that quick grip on his hand or pat to his back when things get tricky. 

He’s missed his youngest too. It had been so strange not to feel her move under his palms, a sensation that had become part of his daily life. He got to talk to her yesterday though, their little Eva, when Tessa called to tell him that it had been a year since they first met. It’s been a better year than it had any right to be, with more joy that he could ever have envisioned at the outset. There have been complicated moments and tough conversations but it’s been a good, good year. And so much of that has to do with Tessa, Nathan and their baby joining his family.

Scott didn’t speed on his way home, but he does walk a lot faster than normal out of his car and into the house when he arrives home. He’s only in the door when Nathan comes running into the hall, hurtling towards him and yelling, “Mama’s home!!” 

Nathan lifts his arms and Scott scoops him up, hugging him tight. “Isn’t that the best news?” 

The boy nods as he takes Scott’s face in his hands. “And she got presents!” 

Scott manages to turn his laugh at Tessa’s failure to not bring home gifts for the kids after swearing to him last night that she wouldn’t into a gasp of surprise. “What did you get?”

“Just a colouring book,” Tessa claims, but he doubts it judging from the tone of her voice. He can tell how tired she is from her trip away by how slowly she’s moving from the living room and by the fact that she’s in pj bottoms and one of his old hoodies. 

She wraps herself into his side as best as she can right now just as Nathan adds, “And chocolates and sweets! I got farm ones and Mollie got hockey ones and Becca got Anne ones!” It takes Scott a second to register that Nathan means Anne of Green Gables, not Anne of grief group. 

“I thought you weren’t a fan of giving kids sweets,” he teases. The kiss that Tessa gives him, a little more full-on than any she’s gifted him with in front of her son, is probably mainly intended to wipe the smirk off his face. 

“I missed them.” She kisses him again, softer this time, “Missed you, too.” 

Before Scott can reply Nathan announces that he missed his mama and gives her a kiss, and then Scott one too. Tessa’s smile is sweet as she looks at them and then nuzzles her head into Scott’s shirt. “I didn’t get started on dinner yet, sorry.” 

He rubs her back. “I’m glad you didn’t, we chose a meal to make for you earlier, you just need to sit back, relax, and tell me all about the conference.” He pauses, maybe she doesn’t want to discuss it with him, maybe it’s the kind of thing that would feel like trespassing on her relationship with Jonathan. On the phone the past two days she’d only wanted to hear about how they were all doing at home. “If you want.”

Tessa leans on him as they walk into the kitchen. “It might not be all that exciting, but I’ll tell you everything you want to know and if it does get boring you can just tell me, I won’t be offended.”

He doesn’t think he could ever get bored with anything Tessa had to say to him and he tells her as much while he starts to get out the ingredients for the lasagne. She has this almost dazed smile on her face and he’s about to ask if she’s okay when she begins to tell him about all the goings on at the conference. It’s pretty noisy in the kitchen with the stove, Tessa talking and Nathan occasionally trying to get their attention and show them how he’s getting on with his colouring book, but Scott likes it like that. 

It does get a little complicated when he’s trying to concentrate on making sure the consistency of the roux is right while still listening to Tessa talk about much she’d enjoyed learning from other women in the industry and getting the chance to speak to younger women just starting out. Scott can hear Nathan murmuring his name but he can’t turn around to look at the farmyard scene he’s working on because he needs to focus on adding the milk at just the right speed and temperature. 

The repetition of “Scott” starts to get a little louder and more impatient and then, clear as a bell, Nathan says, “Daddy!” 

The remainder of the milk ends up on the hob. Scott turns, not quite able to pinpoint the exact emotion he’s feeling, maybe because so many of them are swirling around, but knowing that he’s slightly shaking all over, like this is all too much. Nathan just lifts up the colouring book and shows the pages to him, the barn coloured purple and the cows in different shades of blue. 

“That’s, uh, that’s really cool, Nathan. Good job.” Nathan grins and picks up a new crayon, carrying on like nothing momentous has occurred. Scott keeps a hand on the counter and takes a deep breath before he dares to look at Tessa. Her face is slack, her eyes wide and her body completely still until all of a sudden she stands up, her chair loudly squeaking on the tiles. 

She’s trying not to cry but it’s not quite working. She manages to get out, “I’m going to lie down,” before she takes off, one hand over her mouth and the other clasping the drawstrings of his hoodie. 

Scott’s entire body deflates after Tessa leaves, like it can’t hold all the tension any longer. Nathan looks between him and where Tessa walked out, his eyebrows creasing with worry. “Is Mama okay?” he asks, a little tremble in his voice. 

Scott kneels down beside him, putting his hand on Nathan’s knee. “She’s feeling sad right now, I think she’s missing your dada.”

Nathan nods, it’s an explanation Scott knows that he’s familiar with. “Should we help?” 

He loves this kid so much. “I think she might need to be alone for a little bit first, would you be able to help me with dinner?” Nathan climbs into his arms and Scott takes a moment to just hold him close, memorising exactly how this feels — Nathan’s curls tickling his chin and his hands clinging at his shirt, one socked foot on his hip and the other hanging down, his breathing a little faster than Scott’s own. Maybe it was only a blip, but today was the day Nathan called him Daddy. As hard as that clearly is for Tessa, Scott can’t deny that along with the shock and worry for her, he felt this pure elation on hearing it. He loves Nathan with all his heart. He knows he can never replace Jonathan, would never want to, but, if it’s what Nathan wants and it’s okay with Tessa, Scott would be honoured to be a father figure for the boy in his arms. Maybe he already is in a lot of ways, he and Tessa already call the kids theirs, but this is a step beyond. Names are important, and this title is not one Scott takes lightly. 

He throws out the ruined roux and starts a new one, Nathan helping with each step along the way. Scott can give him more hands-on tasks when it’s time to lay the lasagne sheets over the ragu. It makes his heart ache a little seeing how similar Nathan’s look of concentration is to Tessa’s, knowing that she’s upstairs upset. It’s not until his mom arrives with Becca that he’s able to go up and check on her however, his mom taking charge of dinner preparations without asking for any explanations while Nathan shows Becca all the goodies his mama brought them back from Toronto. 

Scott takes the stairs slowly, wanting a little time to gather himself before he checks to see if Tessa is ready to talk. His quiet knock is answered with a plaintive, “Come in.” She’s curled up in Jonathan’s armchair, clutching her maternity pillow, her face a blotchy red. “I’m sorry,” she says, breathless, as he comes closer.

He kneels down in front of her, placing a hand on her knee. “There’s nothing to apologise for. I know… I know that must have been hard for you.”

They rest together in the quiet until Tessa says, “We probably should have talked about this. We talked about so much else. I just,” she takes some short breaths, trying to keep more tears at bay, “I didn’t expect it. And I should have, really, I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming.”

“I didn’t expect it either.” He’d dreamed it maybe. “I never… I would never have pushed for this, you know? I just… it didn’t feel right to tell him not to do it either.”

Tessa frowns, pressing her hand down on top of his. “I know that.” Her tone softens, “I know you.” One of her hands remains on his and she uses the other to push the hair back off her face. “And if that’s what he wants to call you then… that’s who you are to him. I don’t want to deny him that. Or you. It’s just…” She entangles her fingers through his, gripping on tight like she’s searching for an anchor, “It’s going to be hard at the beginning to hear him call someone else that, even if it’s not the exact same word he called Jonathan.” 

Scott swallows hard, drops a kiss on her arm. “Maybe it was just a once-off though, because he’s heard the girls use it so much. I don’t… I don’t know that he really sees me that way, he might just be a little confused.” He hopes that the hurt it causes him to say that out loud isn’t dripping from the words. 

His eyes are closed so he doesn’t see Tessa reach out, just feels her palm soft and gentle on the side of his face. “Maybe he has picked it up from the girls but… I don’t see why he  _ wouldn’t _ think of you that way. You’ve been…” Her sigh is wistful and sad all at once. “You are so incredible with him. The way you love him, the way you take care of him… I don’t think I’ve ever even thanked you for that.” He stirs, ready to tell her that she doesn’t need to, but she rubs her thumb carefully over his cheek, soothing him. “It just seems part of who you are. You’re an amazing dad to your girls, to our girl, and… you’re being that person for Nathan too.”

He bows his head, letting Tessa take the weight of it. “I don’t want to let him down.” Scott honestly doesn’t know if he means Jonathan or Nathan, both probably. He feels like he owes something to Jonathan, the man he never met whose wife and son he loves with all that he is.

Tessa rests her head on top of his and he thinks he can feel her tears dripping down onto his hair. “You won’t.” A blessing from a woman full of grace. 

There are a few minutes of silence before Tessa speaks again, “I know that Nathan might not start calling you,” there’s a short pause before the word comes out, “Daddy all the time right away, but I think he will someday, probably soon. I’m not at the place yet where I can refer to you as his dad like I do with the girls.”

Scott had never expected that from her. “It’s okay if you never are. Jonathan is his dad, he always will be.” 

Tessa nods and she wears a funny sort of smile that seems to encompass all the overwhelming feelings coursing through her. “And I never want Nathan to forget that but… I don’t want him to feel like he’s the odd one out with his sisters.”

Distantly, Scott thinks about how they’ll have to choose a last name for their baby soon and how there’s a risk of Nathan feeling left out from that decision too. It kills him to think that this amazing boy of Tessa’s, who he loves so completely, could feel separate from the rest of the kids, from Scott. “How about we try and take things as they come? We don’t have to be sure on how we’re approaching all of this right away.”

Before Tessa can agree or disagree her stomach rumbles loudly causing them both to laugh. “I forgot how hungry I was,” she confesses. 

“My mom should have dinner just about ready by now.” Scott gets up, his back aching from all the crouching, and pulls Tessa up gently. 

She rubs her eyes. “Oh God, I didn’t even check to see if she was downstairs with the kids, I just assumed someone was when you came up.” 

Now definitely isn’t the right time to be making jokes about parenting so he just gives her a hug. There’s a loud knock at the door and before either of them can say anything Mollie rushes in, coming full speed towards Tessa and wrapping her arms around her tightly as soon as she gets close enough.

“I missed you so much.” Mollie sounds more upset than she had at any point when Tessa was actually gone. Scott lets Tessa do all the comforting, stepping back to let them have their moment and look on as she holds Mollie tight and murmurs that she couldn’t wait to get back to her. He notices that Tessa's figured out that spot on her back that Mollie likes to be rubbed when she’s upset without him ever telling her. If he’d had to place money on which of their kids would start calling them Daddy or Mama first it would have been Mollie really. It feels like she’s been reaching out to Tessa from the start. 

“Are you ready to go down and have dinner, honey?” Tessa asks after a little while. It jolts Scott a little, he’s been slightly mesmerised watching her fingers running through Mollie’s curls. 

Mollie takes both their hands and leads them downstairs to where Becca is helping his mom plate up while Nathan supervises. Becca abandons her task straight away on seeing Tessa, squealing. Her enthusiasm surprises Scott a little and the hug that follows is the longest he’s ever seen between them. He’s known that their relationship has developed a lot, especially since they’ve moved into the new house, but seeing this makes it him home in a way it hasn’t before. It has him on the verge of tears and he’s glad when his mom comes over to give him a hug of his own.

There’s no persuading his mom to stay for dinner, not even Tessa’s pleas doing the trick, so she leaves with the box of chocolates Tessa had bought for her and his dad and they settle down to dinner. They spend it listening to how the girls got on at school, and then hockey and dance, and Nathan tries to repeat parts of the story about dinosaurs they’d been reading at playgroup. It’s all utterly ordinary, Nathan even calling him Scott at one point which causes a tiny dip in his stomach, until after they’ve finished clearing up. 

Tessa is struggling to open the wrapper on one of Mollie’s chocolates (they’re seriously finicky, it took Scott at least a minute to open the first one he had sampled) when Nathan picks it out of her hands and plops it down on Scott’s palm, saying, “Daddy do it.” 

Both girls freeze, Becca mid-pirouette and Mollie on Tessa’s knees grappling with a wrapper of her own. They look at each other and then from him to Tessa and back again. “Is he allowed to call Daddy that?” whispers Mollie.

Nathan pats Scott’s hand as if to remind him to do as he asked. Scott does so, waiting for Tessa’s response. 

“Nathan can if he wants to,” Tessa says. “He still might be figuring out what he wants right now and going back and forth.” 

Mollie inclines her head backwards so that she’s gazing up at Tessa. “Does this mean I can call you Mama?”

Tessa’s forehead falls a little forward so that it’s resting on top of Mollie’s, that strange smile pulling at her lips again until it settles into something neutral. Scott’s glad she can’t see his face because he thinks he frowns at first, an impulse to say ‘no’ coursing through him, sudden and shocking. It doesn’t feel fair to Sarah, but to say no would be unfair to Mollie and Tessa, two people who are here, two people who love another. He knows that Mollie has been searching for a mother figure, and he knows with some certainty that she’s found one in Tessa. So by the time they both raise their heads and look towards him he can give them a smile and Tessa can freely say, “Yes, if you want to.”

Mollie nods firmly and Tessa cuddles her tight, the whole affair almost silent except for Tessa’s sniffles. Until Becca starts speaking. Or growling, maybe that’s a better description of the unfamiliar sound coming from his eldest’s mouth. “Mollie! You can’t do that! Tessa isn’t Mommy!”

Mollie holds firm, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know that, Becca. That’s why she’s Mama not Mommy.” 

“That doesn’t make it okay!” Becca’s tone climbs at least an octave and a half, nearly at hysterical levels. “Daddy, tell her!” 

He sighs. “Becca, if that’s what…”

She doesn't even wait to listen, just runs off, in that moment her face reminding him of Sarah when she didn’t want to finish a conversation and the way she’s carrying herself reminding him of Tessa earlier that day. 

“Why is Becca sad?” Nathan asks, sounding so forlorn. 

Scott reaches out and ruffles his hair. “I think she misses her mommy.”

The little boy looks very confused, grabbing onto Tessa’s leg as if to make sure she really is here. Tessa scoots Mollie over onto one knee and pulls Nathan up on the other. Scott’s about to tell her it’s too much along with her baby bump but one look at her face stops him in his tracks.

“I didn’t mean to make Becca sad, Daddy,” Mollie says, rubbing at her eyes. 

“I know that, baby.” He stands up and places a kiss on her forehead, then one on Nathan’s and one on Tessa’s. “This is just hard for her. I’ll go have a little talk with her about it now. Are you okay to start getting ready for bed?” He feels bad leaving Tessa to handle bedtime for the younger kids, but he knows that if Mollie doesn’t get to sleep soon she’ll be a holy terror in the morning. 

“I want to see Becca before I go to sleep,” Mollie insists. 

“We’ll see how she’s feeling,” Scott hedges, not wanting to make a promise that isn’t his to keep.

After a tight smile from Tessa, who he knows has to be overwhelmed, he heads up the stairs. There’s no response after two knocks on Becca’s door so he opens it anyway, concern rising. She’s curled up in her bed, the covers in disarray like she’s been kicking at them. She doesn’t say anything as he comes closer, just keeps sobbing. 

When he lies down beside her, she says, “I don’t want to talk,” but she doesn’t complain when he puts his arm around her.

“Is if okay if I just lay here here with you?” he asks. Becca pulls his arm in tighter around her and that’s what they do. 

Scott’s not sure how long it takes before the crying slows down and Becca is ready to talk, he just knows he would have waited for as long as it took. When she does speak she says, “It’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair that Mommy isn’t here,” he agrees. “I wish that she was. It made me a little uncomfortable hearing that Mollie wants to call Tessa Mama too.”

Becca stirs, interrupting what he’s trying to get across. “It did?”

“Yeah, for a few seconds. It feels strange, right?” Becca nods. “But it also wouldn’t be fair if we stopped Mollie from doing something that made her really happy and made her feel safe, would it?”

Becca burrows her head into her pillow before lifting it up again and whispering, “I guess.” She’s quiet again before raising her voice. “I don’t want to call Tessa Mama.”

He nods, leaving a kiss just above her eyebrow. “That’s totally okay, Becca. No one will ever ask you to do that.” 

She retreats a little again. “You won’t be mad?” He shakes his head. Her voice drops, “And it won’t hurt Tessa’s feelings?”

How far they’ve come, Scott thinks. Before Becca had been so adamant about Tessa joining their lives and now, when Scott really wouldn’t blame Becca for wanting to take a step back, she’s worrying about how Tessa will feel.

Scott strokes her hair. “I’m sure that it won’t. She gets it. I know it’s hard for her to hear Nathan call me Daddy.” 

Becca sighs, sounding much older than she should. “This is all very complicated.” He has to stop himself from laughing for fear that she will think he’s laughing at her rather than at how right she is. 

“It is,” he agrees. “But the important thing is that we’re in this together — you, me, Mollie, Nathan, Tessa and the baby.”

There’s a knock at the door and after Becca calls for whoever’s there to come in, Tessa enters. “Is it okay if I come in and talk to you for a few minutes, Becca?” Her voice is tentative. 

Becca sits up straight and pats a space on the bed next to her that Tessa takes gratefully. “I’m sorry,” Becca says. He’s a little surprised that Becca’s apologizing. He doesn’t think he would have made her.

Scott reaches out to put a hand on her shoulder but is blocked by Tessa putting her arm around her. “That’s okay, Becca. I understand why you were upset. It must have been hard for you to hear that.” 

“It was. But it wasn’t right to shout.” He hears Becca kick the heels of the feet off her bed. “Just because I don’t want to call you that doesn't mean Mollie doesn’t.”

“Would you be able to give her a hug before bedtime?” Tessa asks. “I think she needs a hug from her big sister.” Becca is about to get up but Tessa continues. “I just want to talk to you about something first.” She angles her body so that she’s facing Becca. “I want you to know that just because Mollie wants to call me something else doesn’t mean that I care any differently about her than I do about you. I love you both the same and I always will.” 

It’s not something Scott had even thought to consider would be a worry for Becca, but now he can feel the relief radiating off her as she hugs Tessa and then whispers, “Promise?”

Tessa presses a kiss to the side of her hair. “I promise.” 

Becca turns so that she can look at him, her face smooshed on Tessa’s shoulder. “I don’t want Mollie to forget Mommy,” she says. “Mommy was the best.”

Sarah wasn’t the best person for him, but for their girls? “Mommy was the very best.”

“I don’t want Nathan to forget his dada either,” Tessa adds and, one look to her face shows how much she’s still struggling with what’s happened today. “But we can help them remember, can’t we?”

Becca looks up to Tessa, nodding as she sniffs. “Yes we can.” She dives in for another tight hug before announcing, “I need to go talk to Mollie now.” She slides off her bed and out of the room in search of her sister.

There’s no holding in the heavy sighs from either of them once they’re alone. This day has been a whirlwind of emotions and of Scott’s feeling exhausted, he can’t imagine how much more tired Tessa feels. Sleep won’t come just yet, not until he checks in with everyone, not until he’s sure Tessa is okay.

Scrubbing a hand over her face, Tessa stands up, her back kept towards him. “I’m going to lay down. Nathan’s already in bed.” It stings, that she’s choosing to be alone right now, and Scott does his best to bury that down. He knows she needs space away from all of them, doesn’t doubt that every single one of their faces is making today weigh heavier on her shoulders. 

It doesn’t stop the fissure of ache in his heart.

He follows her to the door, leaves more space between them than he has in months, and flinches a little when Tessa stops in the doorway and turns to look up at him, her hand finding his wrist. The apology starts to fill the space between them before Tessa even opens her mouth, and Scott is quick to shake his head. He won’t be able to bear it if she apologizes again. It’s a waste of her breath, a waste of their time. No one, not Tessa or Becca or Mollie or Nathan, needs to be sorry about anything that’s happened today. His own words get stuck in his throat, anything he could say feeling like too much or too little, and he just sighs again, with his whole body, and gives her fingers a small squeeze.

Her goodnight kiss lands on his cheek.

He waits for the click of Tessa’s bedroom door before he crosses the hall to Mollie’s room. His babies are cuddled together in the middle of the bed, a loose picture in Becca’s hand. He sinks into the mattress on the other side of Mollie and there’s no stopping the grin when he sees what picture they’re looking at.

Sarah, still in her scrubs from work, her head thrown back in a laugh that rings, clear as a bell, in his head. Mollie is on her hip, still plump from baby fat at nearly two, smiling so big that her eyes have totally disappeared. He doesn’t remember what was so funny, just that he thought he was lucky, even if he wasn’t happy all the time.

It’s one of the last pictures of before. Before Sarah got sick, before she got diagnosed, before treatment. 

“I like this picture,” Mollie says. “Mommy looks so happy.”

“She was always happy to have you in her arms,” Scott says. He looks over Mollie’s head to catch Becca’s eye. “Both of you.”

He knows it’s hard for Mollie to remember what it was like to have Sarah so happy and present and he’s beyond grateful that she has something physical to look back on, has tangible proof that her mom loved her with all of the life she had in her.

Mollie rolls into his chest, her tiny arm thrown over his ribs. “Daddy, do you think Mommy would be okay with me calling Tessa Mama?”

He doesn’t know how Sarah would feel about it happening so soon, but - “I know that she would, because it makes you happy, eh?” Mollie nods, a little puff of a sigh hitting his chest as she snuggles in closer. “All Mommy ever wanted was for you to be happy. And I know that’s what she still wants.”

Becca climbs over her sister so she can lay on top of Scott’s side, apologizing as she nearly squashes Mollie’s arm instead of asking her to move it. Even with her curls in her face, Scott can still see Mollie’s scowl. “Does Mommy know we’re happy,” Becca asks, “even when we don’t do the same things?” Her chin digs into his shoulder. “I don’t remember what angels can do.”

Mollie nods against him. “Should we say that we’re happy so Mommy can hear?” The girls toss back and forth questions about what angels can and can’t do (something like a laugh stirs inside him when Mollie wonders if angels are like ghosts and if Mommy has to wear a sheet instead of having wings).

This day is officially too much.

“I’m not exactly an angel expert, girls, but I think Mommy knows you’re happy even without you two saying anything or doing different things.” He kisses Becca’s head then Mollie’s. “But if you still have questions in the morning, maybe we can see about finding some books about angels at the library.”

Mollie nods but Becca stares at him, face a little pensive. “Could we go back to church? I think Pastor Tom knows a lot about angels too.”

He might be a little amazed that they managed to go so long without bringing up their old church. It doesn’t surprise him in the least that it’s Becca bringing it up, she was always the one who went with Sarah, without fail, always sitting next to her quiet and patient, until it was time to go to her Sunday school classes.

“We could,” he acquiesces, “but right now, it’s time for bed. We can talk more tomorrow, I promise.”

“Can we sleep with you, Daddy?” Mollie asks and there’s no way he can say no to that.

A quick check on Nathan and then Scott and his daughters collapse in his bed, exhausted and weary.

Scott isn’t sure he’s ready for tomorrow, but he is ready for today to be done.

—

Tessa knows logically that there are five weeks left to her due date, but for the past few days she’s felt the need to get everything ready as soon as possible. She can’t tell how much time she’s spent cleaning and organising the nursery, even though their little girl won’t be sleeping there for months yet. It’s nesting, she’s aware of that, but it feels different to last time. Jordan had accused her of being a little obsessive back then but now it feels like she’s in overdrive. She’s currently folding and refolding the clothes they already have — the beautiful gift from Boris, some of Becca and Mollie’s and a few of Nathan’s, as well as some new pieces. They hadn’t wanted to use too many because they felt like the older kids should have some that were special to them, and those clothes had been picked by Sarah and Jonathan too. 

She’s been thinking about Sarah a lot lately, more than she ever has before. Since Mollie first called her Mama (which she’s continued to do every day since, even correcting herself on the odd moment that Tessa slips out) the other woman has lodged herself in Tessa’s mind. Except that it’s Tessa who’s the other woman really, the one who slipped into Sarah’s husband’s bed and into her children’s lives. As incredibly happy as Mollie calling her Mama makes Tessa, it’s also sown a seed of guilt, or maybe unearthed one that she’s buried. She’s always sworn she wasn’t going to replace Sarah, but… hasn’t she to a certain extent? 

But she knows she hasn’t because that’s not how she thinks of Scott’s role in her and Nathan’s lives. Yes, Nathan is calling him Daddy, and yes, Scott is a father figure for him, but he’s never tried to encroach on that special place that will always be Jonathan’s. He’s even done so much to uphold that with preparing the gift of the large framed photograph in Nathan’s room. And he’s always been so understanding of the part Jonathan still plays in her life, Scott’s never pushed their relationship into a place she’s not ready for. 

Deep down she knows she’s not taking Sarah’s place either, she’s just carving out one of her own, but it tastes bittersweet in a new way that she’s here and Sarah isn’t now that Mollie is calling her Mama. Everything feels so fraught and complicated in a way that it hasn’t for months now, not since they moved in together. She’d been so set on telling Scott she loved him that night after she got home from Toronto, but then things got so topsy-turvy. 

As she folds an old, but still pristine, onesie of Becca’s, she thinks of how many times Sarah must have done this. Of how she’d felt when she was expecting Becca. If Tessa is being brutally, painfully honest, it’s not just Sarah she’s been fixating on, or Sarah as a mom. It’s Sarah as half of Sarah and Scott, and who Scott was to her. Sarah surely felt the same way Tessa does now when she was pregnant with Becca, that she loved Scott, that she wanted to be with him for the rest of their lives. And then it hadn’t worked out. But what if Sarah had always wanted it to, what if it was Scott’s feelings that had changed? And what if it were to happen again?

Before when she’d worried about her relationship with Scott not working out it had always been the kids who were at the forefront of her mind. They still are, obviously they are, but she knows that she and Scott would do their absolute best for them, she knows that Scott would never leave his daughter’s life, would never leave Nathan’s either. She knows that he’d always let her be a part of the girls’ lives, as long as they wanted that contact. But what would happen to her if things were to end? She never thought she’d fall in love again after Jonathan, she certainly won’t after Scott. He is it for her, feels it in the same way she felt so sure about Jonathan, truly believes that she’s used up all her luck. But what if she’s someone he feels bound to, a relationship he rushed into and feels like it’s his duty to continue? 

Will she find herself a year or two from now, their baby on her hip and Scott out of reach? How long did the happiness last for Sarah after she had Becca? After Mollie? All relationships have their ebbs and flows. Maybe Sarah was waiting for the tide to turn. From what Tessa knows, the two of them didn’t sound very compatible, but is that a fair deduction when she’s only heard Scott’s side of things?

She huffs and closes the dresser drawer harder than she needs to. “These are valid concerns,” she tells herself when the guilt of doubting Scott starts creeping in. He’s done nothing at all to deserve this line of thinking but that doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to explore it herself. With Jonathan, there was no contingency plan. She doesn’t want to be left with the rug pulled out from under her again. 

She stands up, no small feat anymore, and looks out the window to the workshop where Scott has been holed up all morning. He’s been giving her space the last few days and, as with everything now, she’s been grateful and upset that he has. She knows she needs the time but it almost feels like too much, makes the constant whirring in her mind go faster, has her half convinced that this is how it started for Sarah.

Her eyes narrow on the glass. She’s not sure who is responsible for the grease mark but now that she’s noticed it, she needs to clean it. And if she’s going to clean this one, she might as well clean all of the windows.

By the time she’s done, there’s sweat gathering on her back, making her shirt cling uncomfortably, and her back has started to ache which annoys her almost as much as it pains her. Tessa had been taking dance classes until a week before her due date with Nathan yet she doesn’t think she could make it through one at the moment.

She decides to take a shower, decides to clean the shower too while she’s at it. Her shirt is already in the hamper when Scott walks in, rapping a knuckle against the doorjam, a sandwich offering in front of him. “I figured that you hadn’t eaten when I came in so I made you some lunch.”

“I hadn’t realized it was so late already.” She kicks off the pair of sweats that she nicked from his dresser and opens her mouth as she unhooks her bra. Scott offers her a corner of the sandwich, hummus and cucumber on sourdough, and it’s so good she takes another bite before he pulls it back. 

Her thank you is muffled, cheeks full of food, but he grins at her all the same. “I’ll leave it for you to finish when you get out.” He kisses her cheek and Tessa thinks that’s going to be it, he’ll disappear back outside or maybe go to the store before it’s time to pick up the kids, only he lingers after putting the sandwich down next to the sink.

Should she invite him in? It’ll make cleaning the shower difficult but there’s an ache to be close growing inside her. She’s just scared of sending him mixed signals. What if she decides she does need more space? Tessa’s not sure she can handle the look on his face if she asks him to go.

She groans inwardly, feeling the pinprick of tears in her eyes. Talking to Scott has never been hard before. Being honest with him has never been difficult. She hates it but can’t find it in her to open her mouth just yet. 

Scott accepts her weight easily, wraps his arms around her tight. He murmurs that it’s okay, that it’ll be okay, and she has to screw her eyes shut. “I was thinking, what if you go out and have dinner with Jordan or Ashley or Tanith tonight. Get out of the house a bit.”

She settles into him some more. “Maybe that would be a good idea.” There’s a big part of her that just wants to burrow in, but she knows she needs to get out, maybe needs another set of eyes and a fresh perspective on all the things that have been spinning around in her head. “You’re sure you’ll be okay to have the kids?” 

“I am. They’ll be probably be tired out from their days out.” Becca and Mollie are out in Ilderton with the Moirs while Nathan is with Jordan and Ashley. “Just need to go out to the store before they get back so that there’s something to give them for supper.” 

“I’ll come with you,” she offers immediately. They’re due a big shop and it’s so much easier with two sets of hands and no kids. 

Scott shakes his head. “You’ll be going out later, you don’t want to be too tired.” 

“I’ll be fine,” she assures him, bristling just a little. Maybe it will be good for them to be out of the house together.

An hour and a half later and she’s not so sure. Things just don’t seem quite right between them — the car ride had been awkward and then they’d squabbled over pasta brands for two full minutes. And now the queue is taking absolutely forever and they need to be home for when the kids get back. Tessa keeps tapping her foot which she can see is irritating Scott, but the line is irritating her so she just doesn’t stop. When they finally get served the cashier is friendly but overly chatty and Tessa just isn’t in the mood. She doesn’t want to tell this stranger when she’s due and if she’s having a girl or a boy and whether this is her first or not (what a complicated answer that could be — first with Scott, second she’s given birth to, fourth she cares for). 

They’re finally bagging up the last few items when the woman coos over Tessa’s engagement ring and wedding band (which are getting increasingly uncomfortable but she can’t bear to take off). After some comment about what a pretty ring it is, Kristi (she’d introduced herself to them and welcomed them to the store like they hadn’t just spent a full hour trawling through the aisles) turns to Scott and says, “You have such a great eye, what beautiful choices.” 

Scott doesn’t make any explanations that he didn’t actually choose the rings, just smiles, gets out his wallet and pays. Tessa is so mad that she doesn’t even help him unpack the bags from the trolley to the car, and somehow gets madder when he doesn’t seem to mind this at all. 

She’s silent for about a minute after he starts driving, and then bites out, “You didn’t say anything.” The words come out a little snappier than she intended, she’d meant for there to be an edge to them, but not quite that much. 

“We were finally going to be able to leave, which was what you wanted. I didn’t think you’d want to discuss our relationship with someone you didn’t even want to tell you were having a girl.” He says all this so calmly that it just infuriates her further.

She knows that he’s right, she knows that in another situation he would have explained, but she just can’t seem to let it go. Like the mental itch that Sarah’s been these past few days. “You didn’t choose those rings.” It’s a fact, but it’s not one that needs to be stated, not one that’s particularly fair to bring up.

Scott sighs, and she thinks that maybe he’ll give her something more now, something that might justify her anger, if only to herself. But instead he says, “I’m driving, Tessa. I’m not going to fight with you.” 

This should calm her, it should make her take a second to reflect on what a good person Scott is, on how he respects her fears, on how he always works to make sure that she feels safe. It doesn’t. It makes her want to scream. She wants to have this out with him, she wants to get all these messy feelings and thoughts out of her body and into the air around her. “I’m not your wife.” The words come out terse and unkind and Scott doesn’t deserve this but she can’t stop herself. 

He swallows hard, jaw clenched. He puts a blinker on to turn down their street. She watches his hands squeeze the steering wheel, the muscles along his arms creating a ripple in the fabric of his shirt. Tessa can practically see the retorts forming in his mind. She wonders if he’ll wait until they park to say something to her. “I am  _ expressly  _ aware of that,” he says. She’s never heard him sound like this before, so hard and upset. He pulls into the driveway, still safe as can be, still level headed enough to not take what he’s feeling out through the road. “You’re Jonathan’s wife…” The car clicks into park but Scott doesn’t reach for the key. Instead he just shakes his head and looks over at her with an ugly sort of acceptance. “I’m just the guy you fucked from your grief group, the guy you’re having a baby with.”

Tessa sucks in a breath as she turns to look out the windshield. He can’t possibly think that’s how he sees her. After everything they’ve been through, all the hard conversations, all the  _ wonderful _ moments... “If you want to act out, I can too,” he finishes, effectively calling her out on how ridiculous she’s behaving. 

She laces her hands together over her belly, tongue running over her teeth. He’s done nothing wrong, it’s her own overactive mind, worry mixed with pregnancy hormones, and it’s not an excuse at all for how she’s been acting. “I’m sorry,” she sighs. Unlike any time before, Scott doesn’t react, doesn’t turn to look at her, doesn’t reach out. His hands are low on the steering wheel now, thumbs digging into the leather stitching as he exhales noisily through his nose. His eyebrows knit together in the middle and his jaw works like he’s working to keep his words in.

Her head falls back against the headrest with an audible thump. “I’m sorry,” she repeats, kinder this time. She thinks of reaching out for his hand but she’s not sure either of them are ready for it. “Do you think you’d still be with me if I hadn’t gotten pregnant?” It’s terrifying to say out loud and Tessa finds herself overwhelmed by how scared she is. It’s worse than telling him she was pregnant because now… now they’re so intertwined and they share their kids, not just the baby who swims under her outstretched belly. She finds herself amending her question. “Would you still be here if we hadn’t created a family together?” It seems so silly to ask. They made the conscious choice to come together as a unit but the fear is there, all the same. She feels it with every beat of her heart lately, no way to shake it.

“Tess,” Scott exhales and from the corner of her eye, she can see his shoulders fall, his hands going up to run through his hair.

She swallows hard. “I’ve been thinking a lot about Sarah… about you and Sarah. It started like this for you too, didn’t it?” Her voice starts to crack and when he reaches to take her hand in his, a sob pulls from her throat. “I already lost Jonathan, I don’t think I could survive losing you too.”

She hears his seatbelt unclick and zip loudly back into place just before Scott’s wrapping his arms around her, his body bent awkwardly around the center console and his hold on her adapted, her seatbelt still on and her belly large. “This is  _ nothing  _ like how Sarah and I were. You know I can’t promise you forever,” he says, right into her ear. “But I’m not going anywhere. Not if I can help it. Not until you don’t want me anymore.”

Tessa scoffs even as the tears start to come faster. She pushes at his shoulder then pushes his hair, shaggy and in need of a trim, behind his ear, her thumb rubbing the shell of it. “How could I ever not want you?”

He pulls back, eyebrow arched. “You seem to think I could leave you that easy.”

Another call out that she can’t blame him for. She’s quick to tell him that’s not true, hopes he doesn’t actually think she believes that. This mood of hers has made a mess of things. It’s like she’s twenty all over again, not sure how to ask for what she wants, what she needs, and making a mess of everything that makes her happy. “I just, I just… I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath, pushing her cheek into his palm to steady her. “Sometimes I think you don’t want me how I want you.”

Scott shakes his head as he sighs and slumps back into his seat. He keeps a hand outstretched for her, an olive branch in exchange for the space that he seems to need. “I’ve been trying to give you what you want but apparently I haven’t been doing too well and I’m sorry for that.”

Truthfully, she doesn’t know what she wants, because nothing that Scott has done has been wrong. Everything he is, so gentle and patient and kind and considerate, those are all things she needs. Had he not been an ever changing combination of those qualities, she knows they wouldn’t have made it this far. But she’s ready for more. And maybe it’s too soon or maybe it’s not. She is Jonathan’s wife, she can’t let go of that just yet, no matter how ready she is, and Scott’s partner, or at least, she hopes she is, craves the idea of being his.

“I’m Jonathan’s wife,” she repeats, softer this time. He squeezes her hand and she squeezes back just as hard. “But do you really think I’m not yours too?”

His forehead falls to the steering wheel, his eyes closed as he takes two deep breaths. If he stays like that long, he’ll get the imprint of the wheel on his head. It’ll make for a distraction, she thinks idly. He tilts his head enough to look at her. “I just know that, if Jonathan were still here, you wouldn’t have even looked at me. And that’s okay.” A tired little grin in her direction. She’s never noticed how deep the lines around his eyes can get when he’s upset. “I just couldn’t say the same thing about Sarah.”

Part of her wishes she could tell him he’s right. That she would’ve walked past him on the street without a second glance. That if they met through Charlie she’d give him a polite smile and lean into Jonathan’s side with a content sigh. But she knows, deep in her bones, as sure as she is about anything, that she would have been drawn to Scott had they met when Jonathan was still alive. She can’t imagine seeing his face and not stopping to get a better look, can’t imagine not longing to feel his hands in her own, can’t imagine hearing his laugh and wanting to invoke it. The guilt from this realization is one she’s been distantly aware of for a few months now, only weighing heavy in the wake of Nathan adopting Scott as his own. Being with Scott is not something she would have allowed, she  _ never _ would have left Jonathan, but Scott would have made her pause. 

“You’re an idiot,” is what eventually comes out of her, fond and angry at the same time. “It’s just not possible. How could I  _ not _ have looked at you?” Scott’s shaking his head and sitting back up. “When… if… Jesus, Scott, I love you more than I understand.”

“You don’t love me like I love you,” he volleys back, as if this is some sort of competition. “Not like you love Jonathan.”

“How can you think that?” she nearly yells. “I can’t go to sleep without touching you. I can’t be away from you more than a day without feeling the absence of you. I want to see you smile and hear you laugh and hold your hand every day. I want to go on silly family vacations together and get on each other’s nerves and rally together against the kids.” Her words are threatening to run away from her and she wants him,  _ needs _ him to understand. She takes a deep breath and tries to go a little slower, making every word count. “I want to grow old with you in this house we found together, even if it means finding wood shavings on the floors and day old coffee in the pot for the next forty years. I want to figure out what we’ll be called when our kids have their own babies. I want our grandkids to come spend the night with us here. I want all of that with you.” She shakes her head, doesn’t realize she’s crying, slow and steady, until she rubs at her eyes. “I’ve even told Jordan that, when I picture myself, grey and wrinkled, you’re right there next to me, your hand in mine.” Eva starts pressing down on her bladder and gives a tiny kick, but Tessa isn’t getting out of this car until she’s said her piece. “You're right, I don’t love you like I love Jonathan, but I love you just as much. For god’s sake, Scott, I’ve willingly accepted that I’ve become a  _ minivan mom _ I love you so much.”

Scott blinks back at her. She watches his throat bob as he swallows. “Oh.” He blinks again.

“ _ Oh _ ,” she repeats. “That’s all you have to say to that?!”

She can’t tell if Scott’s swaying or giving the world’s tiniest nod. “I think the number of kids we have is what’s turned you into a ‘minivan mom’ Tess,” he says, complete with air quotes, and there is no stopping her from punching him in the shoulder.

“You are insufferable,” she yells. Scott laughs right against her lips and, yeah, she must really love him if she lets him kiss her right then. Even runs her tongue along his lip, fists her hands in his hair to try and bring him closer. At some point, he’s unbuckled her seatbelt and it frees her up a little, allows Scott to palm her ribs. She feels so much lighter, everything that she’s bottled up for days, weeks, months finally out in the late winter air. She feels like she would float away if not for his grounding touch. 

She slides her nose against his, smiles when he keeps kissing the corner of her mouth, her chin, her jaw. “So you love me?”

He laughs. “Tess, you know that I do.” Another kiss. “I’m surprised you weren’t able to tell one of the million times I nearly blurted it out.” 

Thinking clearly, she knows that’s what she’s seen, has felt the charged looks and touches. Sometimes the fear outweighs logic and she’s so glad to have heard it from him now. Except, “Say it again,” she implores. “Say it right.”

Her face is in his hands and he’s staring at her like there is no one else on this earth but the two of them. “I love you, Tess.”

His words fall over her like a wave — knocks the air out of her while her stomach somersaults, pulls her in and wraps her up, envelops her in a weightlessness that she’s so rarely felt before, spins her, twists her, leaves her dazed and dizzy and heaving when she finds the surface — and she smiles, feels elation bursting from every pore. “I love you too.”

It’s not until they’re out of the car and meeting at the trunk to get the groceries that she notices the cars parked in front of the house — Jordan’s and Alma’s. 

Scott takes her hand in his and softly clears his throat, chin lifting towards the front window where his mom, her sister, and Ashley stand, staring out. Jordan and Alma are quick to move away when it becomes clear they’ve been spotted. Ashley, however, waves, eyebrows bunched together with worry. She feels the blush overtake her at having an audience but she sends a discreet thumbs up. That’s enough to relax Ashley and have her disappear.

“Do you think they saw?” she finds herself asking, taking one of the lighter bags.

“Nah, you can’t see the front of the van from the house… they were probably wondering why the hell we were sitting in the car for ten minutes though.” He kisses her cheek and asks her to close the trunk, all their bags but the one Tessa has hanging from his forearms.

The kids are all around the kitchen table, Becca with her homework, Mollie and Nathan with coloring books, and she and Scott are greeted with a chorus of tiny hellos and bright smiles. Jordan and Alma are entranced by their cups around the island. Ashley walks up to help with the bags and asks, “You two crazy kids okay?” She doesn’t have to look at Scott to know he’s wearing the same dopey and dazed expression she is. Their smiles must be blinding. Ashley laughs. “The minivan must be  _ really _ roomy.”

“Ash,” Tessa groans and Scott doesn’t help matters by elbowing her. He’s quick to provide a balm in the form of a kiss, right on her lips, and she kisses back without a thought spared to their audience. All things considered it’s chaste, a schoolyard kiss, but it has her blushing all the same when she realizes that the kids can see them, not to mention Alma and Jordan too.

Her eyes cut to Becca first, her shoulders relaxing when Becca just rolls her eyes and gets back to her homework, her mouth set in a firm line. Mollie and Nathan don’t bat an eye while Alma and Jordan try (and fail) to hide their grins. True to form Ashley hollers, “About time.”

Tessa shakes her head and hushes at her friend, but there’s not much motivation behind it. She tries to distract her, “Are you ready to go out to dinner?” Tessa would be quite happy, no, delighted, to just stay home with Scott and the kids, but she also wouldn’t mind a chance to tell Ashley and Jordan all about today’s events. 

Ashley puts one hand on her hip, looks back at Jordan and after some non-verbal conversation turns her head back towards Tessa and says, “I think you and Scott should go out instead. We can stay and babysit.”

The thrill of excitement that passes through her body takes her by surprise. She hadn’t realised that maybe she’s got to a stage where she might actually yearn for a date with Scott. But they haven’t left all three kids with someone else yet, one of them has always been around. “That’s really nice of you to offer, but I’m not sure the kids…”

“You should go, Mama,” Mollie pipes up. Tessa wasn’t even sure her middle girl was listening in. “We can do fun stuff with Auntie Jordan and Auntie Ashley if you and Daddy go out.” 

Scott’s already laughing but Tessa feels a tiny bit of betrayal before she can let the amusement filter through. Ashley is still preening from her new title when Nathan adds, “We can play farms! And robots!” Now her baby boy is joining in on the act. She can’t quite be mad about it though, not when it gets her closer to going out with Scott.

The adults in the room all, some more subtly than others, shift their attention to Becca, who seems thoroughly engrossed in her math problems. Without looking up she says, “You should wear that new dress with the pink flowers.” After erasing a mistake Becca lifts up her head and squishes up her nose. “Daddy, you definitely need to change too. Wear your nice jeans, Jordan said this is a nice place.” Scott squeezes Tessa’s hand and she thinks she can feel his pride as well as his excitement. 

Tessa’s not sure who’s smiling wider, herself or Alma. But she still needs to make sure this is okay. “If you’re certain…”

Ashley rolls her eyes and literally starts to push them both upstairs. “Just go on the date.” 

They’re silent as they go up the stairs as fast as Tessa can manage right now. When they reach the landing Scott pulls her in and kisses her, greedy and messy. His hands are jumping all over like he’s nervous and it’s the first time and he wants to feel everything while his lips and tongue are confident and familiar, like they’ve been together forever. Somehow, simultaneously, both those things feel true. 

Then all of a sudden he steps back and the loss of him is surely all over her face. “We need to get changed if we’re going to make this reservation,” he explains apologetically.

“We could just… not go.” As good an idea as the option Becca gave her to wear is, Tessa isn’t really looking forward to dressing up tonight. 

Scott grins, wicked enough that she thinks she might get her way. “And have your sister and her girlfriend mind our kids while we fuck upstairs?” It’s honestly far from the worst idea Tessa has ever heard. And when he says it in that voice it’s downright inviting. His smile changes, moving from sexy to sweet to simply boyish, all of them capable of having her agree to just about anything. “I’d like to take you out though.” 

She thinks her heart might just about flutter. “That’s what we’ll do then.” A quick kiss to his cheek is irresistable before going into her room.

He calls her name right before she goes in and she turns around to see him with the face that means he’s about to tease her. “You should know I don’t put out on first dates.”

Her laugh is so loud that she knows they’ll be able to hear her downstairs. “Well, I have a feeling I might persuade you to change your mind.” She blows him a kiss before shutting the door. 

Tessa does a simple makeup look, one that’s second nature and somewhere in between school run and date night. Then it’s time to get dressed. Objectively she looks cute in the dress Becca had suggested, but she doesn’t feel cute, she just feels, well, pregnant. It doesn’t help that she’s having jitters like this is a real first date and not dinner with Scott, the father of her baby, the man who  _ loves _ her. Tessa had never expected to be almost eight months pregnant on a first date. But she’d never expected any of this, from having sex with Scott in his minivan in a church parking lot right at the beginning, to this morning when she’d been secondguessing everything, this afternoon telling Scott she loved him, and this evening going on a date in a Becca-approved dress. Over the last year she’s discovered that sometimes the things you don’t expect are wonderful, not sad or wearying or tragic. So she takes one last look in the mirror and goes out into the hall.

Scott is pacing back and forth, fiddling with the cuffs of his red and white checked shirt, acting every inch like a nervous teenager right before a first date. He’s gorgeous and he’s hers, and now if anyone asks maybe she can tell them that. She clears her throat and he looks up, his eyes widening. “You look really pretty,” he blurts out, sounding like a nervous teenager too.

She smiles, her hands stretching out over where their daughter is wriggling. “I look pregnant.”

Scott steps closer, all of a sudden purposeful and something close to suave. “Those are far from mutually exclusive.”

Tessa knows that he’s right, and finds herself feeling it too, her ankles and back still a little sore but not so bothersome right now with the way Scott is staring. “I love you,” she tells him, the words bubbling up within her again. The smile he gives her is stunning and the only thing for it is to kiss him, to get to taste that joy on her lips and have it mingle with her own. 

“I love you too,” he whispers into the crook of her neck. He rests his head there for a minute, his words seeping into her. “You ready for this date?”

His hands rub her back, paying extra attention to all the spots that bother her the most. He must be able to feel her anticipation. “I am.” She steals one more kiss before stepping back and taking his hand in hers. Scott is gazing down at their intertwined fingers like he can’t quite believe this is real, and she squeezes to let him know that it is, to let him know that she has no plans to let go. 

He’s hers and she’s his, and they were other people’s once and maybe forever, but they’re here, together, now, and it feels oh so right. 


	9. salvation is here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We can't believe we're here! It feels very fitting that we're posting this just over nine months after we conceived this AU. This chapter came faster than we were expecting and we hope it brings you the joy it has brought us.
> 
> A million thank yous to the usual suspects, we couldn't have done it without you <3

**_March 2019_ **

It’s not something that Scott really plans. 

He genuinely just happens to be in the area, lending a buddy from the station some extra chairs for a family party he’s having that weekend. Scott notices the graveyard on his way there, thinks to himself that that’s where Jonathan is buried. The thought is like a burr in his brain as he makes his way to Mac’s house, rubbing at him as he makes small talk with Mac’s wife about the weather and how the baby will be here soon. He’s still thinking about it on the way home, the decision to indicate and cross over the road almost a resigned one. 

At first he plans on just sitting in his car in the parking lot, not sure if it’s appropriate for him to visit Jonathan’s grave. He gets restless though, his hands starting to tap the steering wheel and his feet shuffling about. It doesn’t feel right to just sit in his car, Scott knows he’s come here for a reason, even if he hasn’t quite put his finger on it yet. He should pay his respects. There are a few moments of dithering over whether he should take his phone or not before he decides to put it on silent. Leaving it in the car doesn’t feel like the best idea with Tessa’s due date approaching. 

Scott hadn’t accounted for just how many people were buried in this cemetery. There must be more Catholics in London than he’d have suspected. After wandering for a few minutes he thinks he remembers Tessa saying something once about Jonathan being buried on the newer side. It’s another Brady grave he spies first, one for John Brady who died in January 2005. Jonathan’s is right beside it, a simple marble headstone inscribed with the words “Beloved father, husband, son” and then an epitaph, “God could not have made earthly ties so strong to break them in eternity”. 

Scott likes that. There’s a comfort to it, a promise of meeting again. He wants to believe in that - for his girls, for Nathan, for Tessa. For himself. When his time is over he wants to be able to sit with Sarah and talk about their daughters, to apologise for all the times he could have done more. He thinks he’d quite like to talk to Jonathan too. But for now all he has is standing here in the cemetery as the March snow melts. 

He clears his throat before starting to speak. When he’d decided on going to the grave he’d been planning on staying silent here, head bowed. But it feels like he should talk to this man he’s never met but somehow knows. 

“Hi Jonathan, it’s Scott.” He should probably give some more identifying information. Technically this isn’t the first time he’s talked to him, but this is a very different situation. Scott always joins in with Nathan when he says goodnight to his dada every time he puts him to bed, has ever since Nathan instructed him to that night he babysat for him back in October. He always hopes that Jonathan is listening, that he gets to hear his son, but right now the idea of him paying attention feels like a lot of pressure. 

“I live with Tessa and Nathan. And I love them.” He stretches his toes out in his boots, grounding himself to the soil below. “Very much.” And they love him too, not that he could say that to Jonathan. It would be too unfair, gloating almost. Scott still want to pinch himself sometimes to check that it’s real, even though Tessa tells him every day. “I, uh, I know that she told you this, but… Tessa and I are having a baby. She’s going to be here next month. And… I guess that’s why I felt like I had to come here today.” Scott takes a glance around, he’s speaking quietly but he doesn’t want to be overheard - not just because this is such a private conversation, but because he doesn’t want to disturb anyone who’s seeking some quiet time with a loved one. But it’s just him here. 

“I’m sorry that it’s not you, that you’re not here. I know how much Tessa wanted to have more kids with you.” He means that, he does. It’s just so complicated because he also wants things exactly the way they are now in their new family. Most days he doesn’t have to think about that too hard, but it’s a complexity that they live with all the time. He hates that Tessa and Nathan lost Jonathan, hates that someone who was so kind and good was lost so young, but he’s so happy that he gets to share their lives. Maybe that contradiction will never go away, no matter how much time he spends with them (and if Tessa gets her wish, and he gets his, that’s for as long as possible), a patch in their quilt like all the other parts that tell their story. 

“I don’t want to replace you, I know I never could, but I’m going to do the best I can for them, to be the best I can for them.” It’s a vow he tries to keep even on the hard days, one that he makes for Becca, Mollie, and Eva too. “I want them to be happy.” He thinks, knows, that Jonathan would want that too. 

He finds that he doesn't want to say goodbye, so instead he reaches forward and lays a hand on the gravestone, hoping that wherever Jonathan is he is happy too. As he walks away it’s like he can still feel the cool marble against his palm, smooth and satisfying to touch. Scott checks his phone once he gets back into the car and is relieved to see no missed calls. There’s a message from Tessa with a photo of the girls in the kitchen, big grins on their faces and a tray of freshly baked cookies in front of them. He texts back quickly that there had better be some left for him before setting off. 

Frank’s car is parked outside the house when Scott arrives home, which makes perfect sense because Nathan was spending the afternoon at the Bradys’, but it still makes him feel sort of strange, somehow, considering where he’s been. He’s maybe a little quieter entering the house than he usually is, but his home is as noisy as ever.

When he goes into the living room he finds that the commotion is coming from Becca and Nathan (who’s sitting on her knee) loudly singing “How Far I’ll Go” while Mollie does cartwheels and some interpretative dance. It’s a performance Scott has seen a few times but it’s new to Frank who claps very enthusiastically and says, “Good golly, Miss Mollie! That was very impressive!” The kids are all giggling as the older man turns to Becca and Nathan and compliments them on their singing. Scott definitely isn’t close enough to him to joke about Tessa’s suspicion that Frank’s hearing might be deteriorating a little. 

Mollie cartwheels over to him when she notices he’s back, one of her scrunchies falling on the carpet behind her. Nathan comes running over after he scoops Mollie up, pulling on his trouser leg and saying, “Daddy! We were singing!”

Scott knows that Tessa has discussed Nathan’s new name for him with Frank and Marian, but it’s one thing to know that conversation has happened and another to have Nathan actually say that word in front of his grandfather, especially today. It gives Scott a tight feeling in his stomach, not too dissimilar to one he remembers from eating too many candies as a kid. “I heard, buddy, you were great,” Scott answers, not wanting to disappoint the excited eyes looking up at him. 

When he checks in on Frank he sees a sad smile, and notices that Becca is looking intently at Nathan’s grandpa too, a worried sort of frown on her face. “Lot of talented kids in this house,” Frank announces, grinning at Becca first as if he knows she needs some reassurance before turning towards Scott and the younger ones. “Tess had to take a work call. She’s just upstairs.” 

Scott would have put money on bathroom break if asked. Before he has a chance to say anything Becca chimes in with some further details. “The Facebook man called. Tessa had that face on like you do when you want to say a bad word but can’t.” That does seem to be her usual reaction whenever Zuckerberg phones (it really is quite bizarre that that’s a not uncommon occurrence in their house). 

Frank rises from the couch, giving Becca a pat on the shoulder. “I’d best get going, Marian’s made her Friday fish pie and I don’t want to be late!” He gives Nathan a big cuddle and Mollie a ruffle to her hair as he makes his way to the door.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Scott offers. It feels right that he should talk to Frank about Nathan too, not leaving Tessa to be a go-between. 

“I’ll look after Mollie and Nathan,” Becca promises, causing Mollie to roll her eyes a little. 

“I’ll be right outside,” he reminds them, “and Tessa is just upstairs.” He really doesn’t think she’d mind an interruption either.

He slips his hands into his pockets as they walk outside, thinking that some gloves might have been a good idea. They’re almost at Frank’s sedan when he finally starts speaking. “I’m sorry if it’s hard for you to hear Nathan call me…” It feels cruel to repeat it.

Frank shakes his head. “It’s okay, Scott, really. We talked this over with Tess. I think we were more prepared for this than either of you were.” He smiles, a little ruefully. “We knew it was coming.” 

Scott nods, even as he sighs, and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I would never have asked…” He’s not sure if maybe he should just move on, if now he’s just belabouring the point, but… it doesn’t feel right to leave it unaddressed either. 

Scott feels a hand on his elbow and looks up into Frank’s all too kind eyes. “We know that, Scott. We’re still getting to know you, but I think I have a fairly good measure of the type of man you are.” Frank presses down and then releases Scott’s arm. “And we certainly know Tessa and she would never have encouraged this so soon.”

He has to laugh at the knowing look Frank is giving him, like they share a secret. “No, she wouldn’t.” He thinks Tessa is getting used to it now, but it’s not something she would have chosen to happen. 

Frank frowns. “That’s not to say we think it’s a bad thing, or that Tessa does. It just…” Frank scratches at the back of his neck. “It takes a little adjusting to. It must… Maybe it was like that for you? I know Mollie is calling Tessa Mama now.”

“That was harder than I might have expected.” It still shocks him a little thinking back on it, the sheer force of the push to say no. 

“The first time is the hardest,” Frank says, the sides of his mouth flattening out. “Like I said, we knew it was coming even before Tessa had told us that he’d started saying,” there’s the tiniest of pauses, “Daddy instead of Scott, but hearing it in person… Even though it wasn’t quite what he called Jonathan it felt for a second that was who he meant, and that’s what hurt I think. Because he should still be here.” Frank backtracks, “Not that I’m unhappy with how things have unfolded now he’s gone but…”

Scott rescues the older man. “He should still be here. What happened was horrible.” He scuffs his shoe on the grass, looking down at the ground below him. All of a sudden more words start pouring out of him, words he hadn’t gone out here intending to say. “I went to visit him today. At the cemetery.” 

“You did?” There’s no anger in Frank’s voice, or even surprise, more of an open curiosity, and this is what stops the racing thoughts that mentioning his trip there was a terrible idea. 

“Yeah. I passed it on my way to a friend’s and it was in my head the whole time I was there. So I went in on the way back.” His hands fist in his pockets. It feels like too much to look at Frank but Scott can’t shake the feeling that he should be making eye contact with Tessa’s father-in-law. “I don’t… I just felt like I should go there and see him, to say sorry I guess.”

He thinks he can hear Frank push his glasses higher on his nose. “Sorry for what?” 

Scott raises his head and finds Frank watching him with confusion. “That he’s not here.”

“That’s not your fault, Scott,” Frank says gently.

“I know, but it’s not fair.” It’s not fair that Tessa and Nathan lost him. It’s not fair that Frank and Marian lost their son, that Kate lost her son-in-law, that Charlie and Tanith lost their friend. It’s not fair that his daughters lost their mom and sometimes he wants to shout that out at the top of his lungs so that everyone can hear. 

“No, it’s not,” Frank agrees. “But it would be more unfair if Tessa hadn’t found someone she cared for as much as she cares for you, if she and Nathan were still hurting the way they were right after the accident. It’s not fair that Jonathan is gone, but it’s a good thing that they have you and the girls in their lives.” He takes a deep breath, concentration clearly written on his face. “Life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold on to the things that make us happy, even if sometimes we feel like we might not deserve them. We need to grab all the happiness we can.” 

The idea that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye hangs between them. Scott scratches the back of his head, a little overwhelmed by the kindness and grace that Frank has shown him, that’s he’s given to him every time they’ve met. “You’re right. We do.” He’s probably kept Frank out here much too long. “I should let you get home, I’m sorry for keeping you.” 

“No more apologies, okay?” Frank’s voice is firm and he doesn’t stop raising his eyebrows until Scott nods. And then Frank steps forward and puts his arms around him, giving him a short hug that Scott returns just before it ends. Frank pats him on the back before getting into his car before Scott can even sort out what he’s thinking. “You take care of yourself, and take care of Tessa and the kids.” 

Scott nods, still unable to find the right words, lifting his hand to wave as Frank drives away. It’s been a day full of the unexpected. The hug felt right, as surprising as it was. There had been nothing forced or unnatural about it, just Frank reaching out to him like it was something they’d done many times before. He’s walking up the steps on the porch when he realises that he’s crying, the grey stone blurring below him. The day he’s had is catching up on him, his sadness for Jonathan and his joy for himself mixing together and overflowing. He’s so unspeakably blessed to have found Tessa, to have found their family. 

That feeling only multiplies after he wipes his eyes with his sleeves and goes back inside to hear another rendition of ‘How Far I’ll Go’. This time it features Nathan’s singing and Tessa’s… squawking, the two of them cuddled up on the couch while Mollie and Becca dance. Scott sits down beside them, Tessa’s hand immediately seeking his.

Her eyebrows draw closer when she turns from the performance to see his face. “You were gone a while, is everything okay?”

The smile he wears isn’t forced. “It is.” It’s more than okay.

Tessa’s fingertips delicately trace over his fingers, her soft skin smooth on his calluses. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Maybe later.” Right now he wants to enjoy the moment and take it all in. 

—

Scott thinks she’s being overdramatic with her countdown. Rather than have her due date circled multiple times over with red pen on the big kitchen calendar (she’s circled it once, casually, because she knows her baby will be prompt), she has the date that their mothers will meet highlighted, circled, and bearing big bold letters that read N + S FARM DAY. It had been the perfect day for the Meeting of the Moms (which is how Tessa has been referring to it in texts to both Scott and her sister) because her boys would be off exploring a dairy farm while the girls go with Jordan and Ashley to see  _ Captain Marvel _ .

It’s a casual lunch at the house meaning Tessa is doing her best to give off an air of indifference to this whole day. She doesn’t clean up the house any more than usual, never mind the fact that she physically can’t pick things up so easy anymore, and lunch is nothing more than some sandwiches and chips. The kettle is already on for tea if anyone wants some, though Tessa did make sure to chill her mom’s favorite wine. And there may be a tray of brownies cooking in the oven at the moment.

Though she hates using the formal dining room for anything other than occasions that require more than six chairs, Tessa knows that’s where her mom feels most comfortable and so she’s set out three place settings. She taps her finger against her lips. Maybe this is  _ too _ formal for Alma. She looks around, trying to figure out a way to make this more casual (because this  _ is _ a casual lunch). Perhaps she should see if they have paper plates? Or take away the placemats and just bring out coasters to protect the wood? Putting the candles away is a good idea too…

Dining table rearranged to hopefully appease both of the older women, Tessa goes to sit in the kitchen a few minutes ahead of the timer for the brownies. She pulls out the notecards she stashed in the silverware drawer when Scott had come in earlier. It’s not much, just a few things she’s written up over the past week or so. Topics that she has deemed safe (like their jobs which were both very important but can, in no way, inspire jealousy) or necessary to bring up (like the fact that both women are avid sewers). It’s not as if Tessa doesn’t have all this information memorized already but there’s something comforting about looking down at the index cards and reading  **COMMONALITIES: RAISED BOYS, FROM THIS AREA, UNHEALTHY LOVE FOR THE MOVIE** **_TITANIC_ ** .

The timer goes off at the same time the doorbell rings. Stuffing her notes back into another drawer (this time the one that holds her measuring cups), she hollers that the door is unlocked as she turns off the oven. She’s regretting telling Scott to put the pan in the oven. He slid it just far enough back that Tessa has to widen her stance even more in order to bend down and reach it. “I could have been a murderer, Tes-” Her mother stops short. “What on earth are you doing?! You’ll burn yourself!”

Kate tries to rush in and Tessa would bat her away if she didn’t need to hold on to the counter for support. “It’s fine, I’m fine,” Tessa huffs out, the brownies noisily sliding on to the stove top. Rather than bending back down, she uses her foot to kick the oven door back into place, only caring a little bit that it bangs as it closes. Straightening back up, Tessa tosses the pot holder on the counter. “Hi, Mom. Thanks for not being a murderer.”

“The cheek on you,” Kate quips. She taps the apple of Tessa’s cheek before tucking some fallen hair behind Tessa’s ear. “I wanted to come early to help with whatever you need.”

Her mom looks around the kitchen, a little helpless when she finds that everything has already been made. “With everyone gone, I needed to keep myself busy.” She doesn’t need to know that Tessa has been fussing over this since this morning when her family was still home.

Marner walks in with his nose in the air, his tail swishing back and forth. Tessa isn’t sure what it says about the dog that he only realizes her mom is here  _ after _ he’s pushed his head underneath Tessa’s palm. Wasn’t he laying in the living room? Surely he should’ve noticed the doorbell and the door opening and closing. Or is their house usually so bustley that he doesn’t even care anymore? She shakes her head as Marner tries to lick at her mom’s hand. Silly dog.

Making a face that lands somewhere between a smile and a grimace, her mom pats Marner on the head while valiantly avoiding getting licked. “You should be taking it easy, dear.”

Tessa shrugs her shoulders. “This isn’t anything more extravagant than what I do every day.” Or at least on the days she’s cooking, which she will admit are getting further apart. But who is she to fight with Scott when he definitely cooks better than her?

“Did we really need to have this lunch, anyway?” Tessa straightens, eyebrows raising high on her forehead and she doesn’t even bother to school her expression as she turns to look at her mom. She  _ cannot _ be serious. Kate huffs and pulls at the sleeves of her cardigan so they sit nicely at her wrists. “Scott’s mother sounds lovely… and your relationship seems appropriate.”

“Are you implying my relationship with Marian is  _ inappropriate _ ?”

Her mom sighs. “Tess, you know what I mean.” She swallows hard. “I don’t feel the need to be jealous of his mother.”

The doorbell rings again. Tessa wonders if her mother realizes she should be extremely grateful to Alma for cutting this short. “I know you’re trying,” she starts as she rounds the island, “but it will kill me if you two don’t get along which is exactly why we are having this lunch!”

Alma is all smiles when Tessa opens the door. “I feel awful not bringing anything.” Tessa waves her off as Alma pulls her in for a hug (an approximation of a hug, really). “I almost stopped for flowers but wasn’t sure if your mom was sensitive to scents.”

“That’s so sweet of you!” Her mom comes from the kitchen to linger by the stairs. She doesn’t look particularly upset but Tessa keeps Alma’s hug brief and mentally pats herself on the back for warning Alma that she may have to curb how tactile the Moir woman is. “Alma, this is my mother Kate. Mom, this is Scott’s mom, Alma.” Her mom holds out a hand and, oh, Tessa has to work hard to not let out her sigh of relief when Alma shakes it instead of trying to hug. Before the moment can slip into something potentially awkward, Tessa walks backwards into the dining room. “I don’t know about you two, but I’m starving.”

It’s mostly quiet while everyone fills their plates and Tessa smiles when her mom gets drinks for everyone, taking care to ask Alma how she likes her tea. Most of the conversation is focused on how Tessa is feeling, as if she doesn’t talk to these women nearly every day, but as soon as they’ve settled in their seats, Alma looks brightly across the table. “So Kate, I hear you have two boys in addition to your girls.”

Her mom dabs at her lips with a napkin. “That’s right.”

“I don’t know about you, but I thought they’d kill me once they reached high school,” Alma says, her eyes twinkling. “I don’t know how many times we ended up in the emergency room.”

Tessa takes a bite of her sandwich as she looks between the two women. She doesn’t really know what her brothers were like growing up. By the time she could remember much of anything, Casey was off to college and Kevin was close behind. Knowing what they’re like now though, her mom’s smile and nod isn’t too surprising. “There was one fall I thought the ER would give us a punch card we were there so often.” After a sip of wine, her mom continues, “Jordan and Tess gave as good as they got too. The only ones not to break any bones, though.”

Alma pats Tessa’s hand. “No wonder my boys like you.”

A quick look to her mom proves that everything is still going well. “You never had any girls, right?” Kate looks to Tessa briefly. “I don’t think I recall Tess mentioning any sisters.”

“No, just the three boys. Of course they’ve all got their wives now.” Tessa coughs on her water at the same time her mom’s face sours. “Er, um, I just meant, you know, they’ve all found women they love,” Alma adds. “And my sister had three girls which was like having my own set of girls too.” She clears her throat. “And granddaughters outweigh grandsons at the moment.” Counting up the kids in her head, Tessa thinks that even with Nathan factored in, Alma still comes up rich in granddaughters.

“Beside Nathan, I’ve only got two others, and this new baby, of course.” Her mom takes a bite of salad. “Only my oldest and my baby have had babies.”

Tessa isn’t quite sure where this conversation will take them but she’d rather steer it somewhere safer. The last thing she wants is her mom to start comparing the two of them. “You know, Becca picked up this library book the other day,” she starts, her hands stretched over her stomach. Eva isn’t kicking or pushing on anything but it does feel like she’s deciding to settle right against Tessa’s bladder. “I think I read it when I was her age. Do you remember that Titanic diary, Mom?” (Tessa has no idea if Becca would even be interested in reading the book, but Tessa had checked it out for her anyway so that this little white lie didn’t have to stay one.)

Her mom’s nodding, smiling as best she can while she finishes chewing her food. Meanwhile, Alma genuinely gasps. “Do you remember how upset you were that the book wasn’t about Rose and Jack,” Kate volleys back. “You had such a crush on him!”

“Well who didn’t,” Alma says. “He was  _ so _ handsome.” 

Kate sighs, almost wistfully. “I think I made Tessa’s father take me to see it in theaters three times before I took pity on him and went myself or with some girlfriends. Honestly, I nearly wore out the tapes I watched the movie so often.”

“To this day, the boys won’t fess up as to who did it, but one of them actually hid the movie,” Alma laughs. “I know my Joe was in on it too, not that he’ll ever tell me.”

Tessa relaxes, satisfied with how easily the two women have settled into this talk. However, the more at ease she feels just highlights how badly she needs to pee. Confident that the world won’t end, she excuses herself to the bathroom, smiling as she hears her mom and Alma gushing over Kathy Bates’ underrated performance in the film. It’s not easy to be quick at anything anymore, but Tessa does try to hurry herself along, just in case things swing the opposite direction with her lunch guests. 

It seems as though she’s worried for nothing because she walks back into the dining room to find her mom showing Alma something on her phone, the two women nearly crying with laughter. In fact, the rest of the lunch (and dessert) continues on with little interference from Tessa at all. At times it seems as though they forget Tessa is even there which suits her just fine. She can inhale the rest of the salad straight from the serving bowl without having to worry about manners. 

“We really should’ve gotten together ages ago,” Alma says as Tessa hears the girls chattering outside.

Her mom nods. “We’ll have to find time soon.” She looks over at Tessa. “Though we’ll both be over a lot soon enough, won’t we?”

“Oh, that’s very true, Kate,” Alma answers before Tessa can say anything. 

She loves their support system dearly and knows it’s a great thing to have with almost four kids, but god help her if she loses control of her house to her mom or Alma.

The front door swings open and suddenly there’s a bustle of excitement. “Mama, that movie was  _ so cool _ ,” Mollie exclaims, Becca’s head bobbing in agreement beside her. “I want to be Captain Marvel for Halloween!”

Becca’s nose wrinkles. “I already said I wanted to be her!”

Ashley hops around as she tries to take off her boot. “How cool would  _ two _ Captain Marvels be?”

The girls don’t buy it, Tessa can tell just by the way they exchange a look, but it does end their squabbling.

Becca comes over to hug Alma and smiles across the table at Kate. “Hi Grandma, hi Kate.”

Mollie takes the opposite approach, going over to Kate’s side first, though Tessa suspects it’s because the plate of brownies are closer to that side. “Auntie Jo and Auntie Ashley got us popcorn at the movies… but no candy.” 

The three women at the table share a knowing look. Jordan comes up to the table, pressing a kiss to her mom’s hair before saying, “Well of course, because we knew there’d be brownies when we came back.” She picks one up and takes a bite. “See?”

Kate swats at Jordan’s arm. “Not with food in your mouth.” Jordan rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything more until she’s swallowed.

Tessa splits a brownie for the girls while Ashley grabs one of her own. It’s nice to see her table filled up with people she loves, nicer still that everyone is still getting along. 

She lets out a breath, letting her eyes close for a moment to check in with herself. Tessa hadn’t realized how much better she would feel after knowing that her mom would get along well with Alma. The relief washes over her, settles her, glad to have one more thing ready ahead of their Eva’s arrival.

—

This might be the first time he and Nathan have been alone together. 

Certainly not their first time without Tessa but usually one or both of the girls are with them too. He doubts Nathan notices much of a difference but Scott feels it acutely, energy thrumming through him as they drive to his uncle's small farm. Maybe it’s because this moment feels like a significant one or maybe it’s because Nathan is a ball of excitement, excitedly chattering about the kinds of animals they’re going to see. He lapses into some farm song Scott doesn’t know before gasping so loud, Scott has half a mind to pull the car over to make sure the boy is okay. “Brown cows too,” Nathan yells, his finger tapping on his window so Scott will look.

Sure enough, a quick glance out the window shows three brown heifers are grazing near the side of the road. “I don’t know if those are Rick’s, bud.”

Nathan hums. “Only black and white?”

“We’ll have to see,” Scott answers. “Do you think we’ll see a purple cow?”

Nathan’s giggle is magical. “No, Scott! No purple cows!”

“Blue cows?”

“No blue!”

Scott sighs, catching Nathan’s eye in the rear view mirror and soaking in the mirth he sees. “You’re the cow expert. Guess you’ll have to teach me when we get there.” It’s not much further and Nathan’s wonderment is audible when Scott turns off towards the, honest to god, big red barn and silo. Does Rick even need a silo as a dairy farmer? Scott scratches the back of his neck, realizing that he’s not entirely sure what silos are for. 

He goes to pull up to the house but is waved over to the barn by Rick’s wife Lou. “Hey, you two match,” Scott says, taking in the coveralls and plain long sleeve shirt underneath. Nathan had wanted to wear his plaid shirt but it was both not warm enough (in Tessa’s opinion) and a little too small for the boy now (despite it fitting perfectly back in October). 

“That Mrs. Old Macdonald?”

There’s no stopping the snort that Nathan’s innocent question produces. “We’re at Rick’s farm, not Old Macdonald’s. That’s Miss Lou.”

Nathan looks like he’s thinking very hard but doesn’t ask anymore questions, just starts pulling at the straps of his car seat.

His parents have known Rick and Lou for as long as Scott can remember. He thinks his mom may have gone to school with Lou, or maybe it was his dad that did, but either way, the older couple have always been like an extra aunt and uncle to the Moir kids. Lou’s smile is wide, her eyes soft, as Scott gets out of the van. “Scotty, it’s been too long!”

He does his best to not grit his teeth at the nickname he can’t stand, hopes that the prickle of irritation doesn’t belay the genuine affection he feels at finally seeing Lou again. “Sorry about that,” he says despite knowing she’ll wave off the apology.

She hugs him tight. “Life takes us where we need to go.” He’s quick to end the hug, knowing Nathan needs to get out as soon as possible. The van door opens to reveal Nathan practically vibrating in his seat. “And who do we have here, eh?”

Nathan looks between Scott and Lou, suddenly sitting still. His girls have certainly loosened Nathan up a bit, but Scott knows that there’s no getting rid of his shyness completely, not with people he’s never met. “This is my Aunt Lou, Nathan,” Scott says once he’s unbuckled the boy. Nathan doesn’t want to let go once Scott lifts him from his seat so Scott sits him on his hip. “Can you say hi?”

“Hello,” Nathan says, quiet and formal as he tucks his head into Scott’s neck.

“Hi there, Nathan. It’s nice to meet you. I like your overalls.”

“We match,” Nathan says a little bit louder than he had before.

Lou makes a show of looking down at herself. “What do you know, we do!”

Nathan pats his chest. “Nana made.”

“Your nana made them? Well that was very nice of her.” Nathan agrees by way of nod. Scott rubs his back, enjoying how Nathan’s little fist plays with the neck of his shirt. “Someone told me you like cows, Nathan.” The little boy nods again. “Would you like to meet some?”

“Yes, please.” Nathan’s head pops up, looking back at the van as he pats Scott’s shoulder. “Daddy, my cows!” What ensues is a small standoff between him and Nathan. Scott insists that Nathan only needs to take one of his toys while Nathan, hand on his hip and looking every bit like Tessa, explains that the cow who stays will be very lonely. The conversation is cut short when a loud moo comes from the barn, Nathan’s curls bouncing he turns to look for the source so fast.

He drops the bigger cow back into his car seat and proceeds to climb his way back onto Scott’s side, eyes still curiously trained on the barn. 

Scott is second guessing not having Tessa here for this moment. He knows she’d be a little miserable and would, without a doubt, be complaining about the smell, but it feels strange to be the only one to witness Nathan meeting real life cows for the first time. He thinks of pulling out his phone and recording, or maybe asking Lou to, but then they’re at the open doors of the barn and there’s Rick, leading a cow into its stall. 

Scott turns just in time to see Nathan’s face break out into a grin, his eyes lighting up and going wide as saucers. “Canadienne,” he yells, his pronunciation a little jumbled as he points at the cow.

“How’d you know that was a Canadienne cow?” Lou asks.

Nathan doesn’t answer, his whole world narrowing down to the cow. He wiggles and kicks until Scott gets the point and puts him down. Had he not kept ahold of Nathan’s hand, Scott is sure that he would’ve taken off running straight for the cow. He scowls up at Scott before pointedly looking in the direction of where he saw the cow go. Rick walks back out, alone, to the disappointment of Nathan. “Hey there buddy,” Rick greets, taking off his hat and sticking it in his back pocket. “Sounds like you know your cows.”

Nathan hides himself behind Scott’s leg but nods. “Canadienne,” he repeats.

“That’s right,” Rick congratulates. He pats Scott on the shoulder, a quick, “good to see you, son,” said out of the corner of his mouth before he returns his attention to Nathan. “That was Marigold. She’s pretty tired right now, but would you like to meet our other cows?”

Scott can barely hear Nathan’s, “Yes, please,” over the sound of a moo. They follow Rick down a few stalls until they stop in front of one that bears a sign reading Matilda. The cow inside is brown and Scott grins.

Rick’s explaining something to Nathan who is listening very closely despite still being attached to Scott’s leg and, rather than listen, Scott fishes his phone out of his pocket. He manages to pull the camera up just as Rick is unlocking the stall and he hits record just as the gate is opening, revealing the cow to Nathan. He keeps the camera trained on his little boy, catches the way Nathan tilts his head back to look up at the cow who has curiously stepped closer to the entrance of her home. “Whoa,” Nathan gasps. The hand on Scott’s jeans holds tighter while Nathan reaches forward with the other. As far as Scott knows cows are pretty docile, and he trusts that Rick wouldn’t let just any cow walk out towards kids, but worry rises up in Scott all the same, his own hand reaching to keep Nathan by his side.

His first outing with Nathan… if he let Nathan get trampled, Tessa would kill him and Scott would let her.

Rick loops a halter onto Matilda and Scott relaxes as the cow is led all the way out of her stall. The animal looks at Nathan with its big black eyes, leaning down to get a closer look as Nathan puts his hand out. Truth be told, Scott expected Nathan to be a little more intimidated by the size of the cow. It is, after all, the size of four or five Nathans stacked on top of one another. But there’s a distinct lack of fear as Nathan bridges the gap between his hand and the cow’s nose. In fact, Nathan just smiles wider and giggles, “Wet nose! Like Marner!”

“She’s a lot bigger than Marner though, huh?”

Nathan nods. The cow licks his hand and the peal of laughter that comes from Nathan sounds like heaven.

It is not enough, however, to stop Scott from feeling like he’s gotten the wind knocked out of him when Nathan decides then to dart close enough to hug the cow. Thankfully the cow doesn’t seem bothered at all by this tiny little person hugging her around the neck and Nathan looks so damn happy, even happier than he did on Christmas, just getting to touch Matilda.

Rick and Lou take them around, with Matilda who seems to be Nathan’s new best friend, and show off the rest of the animals, including a bunch more cows, four chickens, a horse, two goats and a pig that’s just had a litter. The little piglets oink and squeal as they gather round mom to eat, except for one that runs right up to where Nathan stands on the other side of the pen. “Can we take home?” Nathan asks as he pets the piglet through the slats of wood.

“I don’t think we’ll have room with your sister coming.”

Nathan shakes his head. “She’s tiny. She can sleep in my bed.” Scott has no idea if he’s talking about Eva or the piglet.

“We’d better ask your mama first, just in case.” He’s met with a sigh and a resigned nod. The mood doesn’t last long though because they’re on a farm which is, quite possibly, Nathan’s new favorite place.

Scott doesn’t manage to document the rest of the trip very well, too distracted by Nathan’s joy to remember to take pictures or video, though he does manage a few and sends them off to Tessa immediately, even though he knows she won’t be by her phone. 

By the time they pack up to head back home, Nathan has become quite the real farmer. He helped Rick throw more grass into each of the cows’ stalls, collected eggs from the chicken coup, turned the heat lamp on for the pigs, held the bucket in place while Lou milked Matilda (he hadn’t been up to the challenge of milking her himself) and even fed a calf from a bottle about as big as his head. Nathan collapses into his car seat, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Lotta work,” Nathan says.

Scott kisses the boy’s curls. “Still want to be a farmer?”

Nathan nods. “We need milk and eggs and friends,” he explains and Scott finds himself unable to argue with that.

He’s not surprised that Nathan’s fallen asleep by the time they get back home. There was a lot of excitement through what is usually Nathan’s nap time but the little boy stirs as soon as Scott carries him through the front door. He can hear the girls distantly somewhere in the house but it’s Tessa he sees first, coming out of the bathroom down the hall. “There are my boys,” she says softly, padding up to them with a hand rubbing under the heavy swell of her stomach.

Scott makes a show of looking around. “No carnage anywhere. Does that mean your mom behaved?”

“Would you believe that it went so well that they practically forgot I was there?”

“Not at all,” Scott laughs. He dips down to give her a kiss then turns so she can pepper Nathan with kisses.

Nathan is all sleepy smiles, taking all the kisses Tessa has to offer. “Mama, can we have a piggy, please?” He sounds so earnest in his question, like it is the most simple of requests.

Tessa keeps her face mercifully steady, eyes understanding and head nodding slow. “How about we talk about that after a proper nap?”

Upstairs, Nathan goes to the bathroom with Tessa while Scott goes into Becca’s room. His girls are jumping all over the place, doing dramatic rolls onto and off of the bed, climbing onto the chair at Becca’s desk only to jump off with kicks and punches to imaginary bad guys. Scott simply waits in the doorway, smiling at the antics his girls are up to, full-on laughing when Marner darts in to lick Mollie as soon as she lands in a crouch on the carpet. “Hi, Daddy,” Becca says, more than a little breathless. “How was the smelly farm?”

Scott rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t  _ that _ smelly.”

Mollie sits up, having finally pushed Marner away. “Daddy, it’s full of poop.”

“So are you!”

Mollie gasps. “I’m not smelly, though!” She looks to Becca. “I’m not smelly, right?”

Becca shakes her head vigorously and hugs her sister. “That wasn’t very nice, Daddy.”

He thought it was pretty funny but… “Sorry, Mol.” He wraps his arms around both girls and lifts, swinging them back and forth in a hug until they laugh. “Had fun at the movies?” The girls launch into excited retellings, talking on top of one another but not caring one bit. Scott’s not sure he gets much information about the movie but if both of his girls are describing it as cool and awesome and begging to go as Captain Marvel for Halloween then it must be something really special. He’ll have to see if Charlie can get a download of it for them. It’ll be good to have when Eva comes too, for both the kids and him and Tess. Midnight feedings are always a little easier with some good entertainment.

The girls go back to saving Earth so Scott goes to check on Tessa and Nathan. They’re both in his bed, the light out and the curtains drawn. Nathan is murmuring about all of their adventures at the farm, his words tripping over each other in a way that Scott can’t quite catch but that he knows Tessa understands perfectly. The photo that usually sits on the bedside table is clutched between Nathan’s hands, like Nathan wanted his dada to listen to the story just as much. It’s a moment Scott doesn’t want to intrude on.

Tessa looks over just as Scott’s decided to let mother and son soak up their special time together. Taking her finger out of Nathan’s curls, Tessa pats the pillow in invitation. 

Scott kneels down on the other side of the bed. “I was telling Mama and Dada about Matilda,” Nathan says through a yawn. “She was a pretty cow. Not as pretty as Mama though.”

“Thank you.” Tessa laughs quietly, Scott doing his best not to laugh so loud himself. “Time to go to sleep, baby.”

Nathan shuffles over a little so that he’s facing Scott. “Thank you for the farm.” Scott places a kiss to the little boy’s head and he continues, ”I love you.” 

“I love you too, Nathan.” Scott gives him another kiss before heading back out. 

It feels right to give Nathan this time alone with Tessa and with Jonathan, he had been lucky enough to get to share in the experience with him earlier. He’s glad they got to have that, just the two of them, but he’s equally as glad to have his family all together again. And soon they’ll properly be all together, when Eva is here and they all get to meet her. 

He can’t wait. 

—

She absolutely hates running late.

Tessa has to admit that she’s been proud of how being a mom hasn’t impeded her timeliness, especially given that she went from one baby to three kids, two of whom have tons of extracurriculars. She can manage working and the kids and Marner jumping around with Scott as her partner and their wonderful friends and family that make up their support system. 

However, it seems as though the thirty sixth week of her pregnancy is testing her.

Between the near constant bathroom breaks (had she really peed this much with Nathan? If she had, she completely blocked it out), Marner is constantly under foot. (Ashley had found it cute when she was over the other day, seeing Marner glued to Tessa’s side. At her complaint, Ashley had shook her head while scratching behind Marner’s ears and cooed, “It’s like he wants to make sure he’ll catch the baby.” Tessa could have done without the mental image that created). Getting dressed goes slower, helping the little ones get dressed and in their shoes is slower, and god help her if she drops something. 

And while she can admit that, yes, they were going to be late to group today regardless (Charlie had kept her on the phone longer than she had realized despite the fact she was, most definitely, on maternity leave and should have not talked about work), she is most definitely  _ not _ the reason they are this late. 

Scott stays in his workshed for an extra half hour, despite the fact that she repeatedly text him reminders about not losing track of time. Then he had to shower because he smelled like laquer and his hands were nearing stained. Becca had then  _ insisted _ on needing Scott’s help with a project for school which resulted in Scott  _ having  _ to make a stop at the store for birthday candles (candles she’s sure she has stored away in one of her baking bins but looking meant delaying leaving once more). They pull up to the church nearly forty-five minutes late and Tessa is so out of sorts at being so late (they’ve practically missed half of the group!) that she doesn’t even notice how many cars are in the parking lot, instead heading straight up the steps as fast as her waddle can take her.

Smartly, Scott doesn’t comment on her huffing and puffing, just keeps a hand on her back and apologizes for making them late.

“I should’ve made you pick up cookies while you were in the store,” she says, unzipping her coat. “The least we could do is not show up late empty handed.” Apologies are on the tip of her tongue as soon as Scott holds open the door to the community room but they die as soon as they step inside.

There are pink balloons and pink streamers everywhere and the room is filled to the brim with their friends and family. Her jaw falls open as she sees Ashley next to Madi, Tanith next to Anne, Marian beside Boris. Nathan is on her mom’s hip and Mollie on Alma’s and Becca stands in front of Charlie with an impish grin. Tessa blinks a few times because surely this is some weird pregnancy dream. Maybe she dozed while Scott went into the store.

She turns around to find Scott grinning. “I had to give my mom plenty of time to make it here with the kids.” It should probably be mortifying how quick she is to tear up but there are so many hormones coursing through her that she can’t think of how else to process this surprise born of love. Scott wraps his arms around her shoulders and kisses her hair.

It’s so strange to see their lives integrate so completely, to see her sister with his brothers, to see Amanda clapping happily next to Frank. She thought for sure, too, that the next time Marian and her mother were in the same room wouldn’t be until Nathan’s birthday. Tessa can’t believe that all these people are here for her, and for Scott, and their little Eva.

She turns back and immediately locks eyes with Tanith. “I thought you were going to surprise me with a baby shower tomorrow!” Tanith had been insisting on a girls day and Tessa was positive it was just an excuse to throw the baby shower that she had eventually agreed to. And if it hadn’t been tomorrow, then it was  _ definitely _ going to be the random Wednesday that Jordan told her to keep free.

Tanith just laughs, very amused by her own deceit.

Scott ushers her in and then she’s hugging everyone, feeling a little silly for it. This shouldn’t be a big deal but Tessa finds herself hugging each person fiercely and thanking them for coming. “Ever the hostess,” Jordan quips just as Ashley says, “You don’t have to thank us, we’re here because we love you.”

Eventually she has to sit down. “Who did all this?” she wonders.

“We all did,” her mom says, sitting down on the other side of her. “Marian and I were talking,” Tessa tries to discreetly make eye contact with Scott, Frank, and Jordan, in that order, pleased when Scott squeezes her hand and both Frank and Jordan raise their eyebrows.

Marian looks absolutely pleased over by the presents, leaving Tessa feeling as though she may have entered the twilight zone. “We thought we’d better get Alma involved,” Marian finishes for Kate.

Alma nods, distractedly, her hands busy fussing with the food table, making sure the little flower centerpieces aren’t too close to the edge.“And I’d already talked with Carol and the girls about throwing one for you.”

Mollie starts to climb into Jordan’s lap, her sister opening her arms to accept the weight of the little girl, except Mollie decides at the last minute to go to Ashley instead. “I’d like to point out I was involved with both potential showers,” Jordan adds, not bothering to hide her pout. Nathan easily brings back her smile by walking from Marian over to his auntie. “Not to mention Tanith’s.”

“Oh, mine was always going to be with Kate’s,” her friend clarifies. She’s got Jenny locked between her legs, struggling to redo the little girl’s pigtails. “It was the three of us with Nathan’s.”

From the punch bowl, Amanda perks up. “I had asked the group too if they wanted to do anything special for you,” she says. “Anne talked to Scott who got us in touch with, um…” Her eyes dart between Kate, Alma, and Marian. Tessa can tell she doesn’t know what exactly to call the group of older women. “With your families.”

“It was easier just to throw you one big bash,” Anne finishes up from beside Madi.

Becca appears in between her and Scott’s chairs. The notebook that her mom got the girls for Christmas is clutched tightly in her hands, a pencil tucked behind her ear. Despite her friendly smile, she seems serious. “I got to be in charge of the games. Miss Madi helped.” When on earth did Becca and Madi get together to coordinate this? “I wanted to play Jeopardy because I know you and Daddy like it but we have a lot of people so it might have been too hard.” She clears her throat once then, when the chit chat around the group continues, does so again, louder. All eyes are on Becca and she announces, “If everyone could get a cup of punch or water, we could start our first game!”

Anne comes over, leaning down to whisper in Tessa’s ear as Becca explains the game. “I hope you appreciate this because it was terrifying to open my freezer to find little babies in ice cubes.” Tessa has to stifle her snort so she doesn’t upset Becca by interrupting.

With everyone dutifully following the eight year old’s instruction, Tessa puts her hand on Becca’s arm. “What made you pick this game, sweetie?”

“Miss Madi said that it’s good to do a random game so that way people who don’t have babies can maybe win.” Becca makes a very exaggerated check mark next to the top of her list. “And I thought Mollie would like it.”

Mollie stands at the beverage table with Joe, scooping ice into cups. Grinning, she says, “Come and get your babies! Babies for every cup!” That has Becca smiling too and Tessa pulling the older girl in for a hug.

The shower passes by with more laughs than she expected, this lovely group she holds so dear playing off one another so easily. It makes sense, she thinks, that the Moirs get on with everyone (they’d so quickly and so easily accepted her into the fold), but it makes her so happy to see everyone else fit so nicely together too. She eyes Marian and Frank laughing with Anne and Danny and Tessa feels a surge of affection swell inside her. She’s so, so glad that they’re here and joining the fray, even if it might be hard for them.

Her thumb rubs at her wedding band. It’s been getting tighter and tighter every day but she can’t bear to take it off, not yet. Scott catches her hand when he manages to steal the chair next to her before anyone else can. “Do you think Jonathan would be shocked,” he asks as his fingers massage the skin around her wedding rings, “to see your mom playing nice with his?”

She smirks. “Absolutely amazed.” They watch as Alma walks up with her mom to Marian. “I think he’s rolling over at the sight of my mom playing nice with his and yours.” That gets an actual laugh out of Scott and Tessa smiles, pleased that she got him to laugh. “He’d be mad you pulled a surprise on me, though. He never could.”

“No?”

Tessa shakes her head. “He would get too excited and spill the beans before he could surprise me.” The only time he had surprised her, really, was when he never came home. She doesn’t think he’d be proud of that one.

“What about your proposal?”

It's Tessa’s turn to laugh. “He told me he was going to propose.”

Scott simply blinks back at her. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” she laughs. “One morning he turned to me right after waking up and said, ‘Tess, I didn’t have a dentist appointment last week. I went and bought you an engagement ring. It comes in today, do you want to see it?’ And you  _ know _ what I’m like first thing in the morning so I just told him that was nice and rolled back over.” Scott’s hand tightens around hers, fond smile on his face. “By the time I really woke back up, he’d gone to get it and brought it to me, tied around the handle of my coffee cup.”

She had been worried that her friends and family wouldn’t find Jonathan’s proposal romantic and, quite a few times, prefaced the story with how much  _ she _ thought it was perfect, not wanting to see confused or doubtful faces looking back at her as she shared such a treasured memory. But Scott, this wonderful guy that she gets to call hers, just brings her hand to his lips. “Sounds perfect.”

“It was.”

“Way more romantic than how Sarah and I decided to get married.” She raises a brow in question and Scott explains, “It was after we found out she was pregnant. We were talking about what to do and I asked if she wanted to get married and she said okay. That was that.”

Tessa wonders if he regrets not doing something more special, if Sarah had felt she missed out on something by not having a more thoughtful proposal. She shakes her head, not allowing herself to go down that road when her friends and family are all laughing and talking around her. With a deep breath, she leans into Scott’s side, letting her lips brush his shoulder. “Thank you for bringing him up.”

“Oh, do your other boyfriends not like talking about your husband?” Scott jokes and all Tessa can do is roll her eyes and stamp down a smile because Becca’s announcing the final game, inviting her to stand up in the middle of the room.

The night comes to an end with her baby boy at her side, happily munching on carrots while everyone around her helps with clean up. She’s surprised he’s still up (even more surprised that Mollie is stretched out across two chairs, asleep) but he just looks up at her and happily says, “Lots of nice people, Mama.”

“You did very good tonight, Nathan.” It’s kind of amazing how easy he is with a group of people now. Scott and the girls have a lot to do with that, she knows, and she’s glad that Nathan can feel so at home here with all these new friends and family. 

He turns his body towards her, face a little speculative. “Will the baby come now?” 

“She’ll come when she’s ready.” Tessa is getting to the stage where she hopes that might be sooner rather than later, her body is tired. 

Nathan frowns down at her baby bump. “I think you should be ready now, baby.” He lays his carrots aside and tries to cuddle into her as best he can. Tessa would love to kiss him, but it’s just not feasible right now so she has to settle for stroking his curls. She gets caught up in it, that simple, soothing feeling of his soft hair in between her fingers and his arms wrapped around her, resting over where his little sister is sleeping. She thinks they’re both halfway asleep by the time Scott comes over to them, Mollie, still sleeping, over his shoulder and Becca by his side.

“You two ready to go?” Scott asks. “Will I carry Nathan out?” Before Tessa can even protest about him taking care of his back Scott has Nathan on his other shoulder, the little boy cuddling into him. She would absolutely fuck him tonight, if only she wasn’t so exhausted. 

“Is everything packed away?” she wonders. All of a sudden the hall is almost empty again, just the usual tables and chairs laid out. Becca explains that all the gifts and decorations are back in the car as Tessa eases herself up off the seat. 

“Jordan and Ashley are putting the last things in the car now. Nathan’s nana made a joke about how they might need the banners and balloons next.”

Tessa has to look to Scott to make sure that she isn’t hallucinating and when he opens his eyes up wide and nods she guesses that it must be true. This wakes her up enough to be ready to tease her sister and friend when they get out to the minivan, but taking a look at Ashley’s sullen expression and Jordan’s uncomfortable one puts her off that idea quickly. She’s going to need to make some phone calls or a visit tomorrow. 

Nathan perks up a little on the ride home, the exact opposite of what he’d been like as a baby when putting him in the car had been a good option for getting him to sleep. He answers all of Becca’s questions on what everyone thought the best games were, and who they think will win the guessing game about the baby’s weight. Tessa really hopes it’s not Amanda, who after a calculating glance had announced nine pounds five ounces as her choice. She doesn’t make much of an input into the conversation, just smiling as she watches Becca and Nathan talking over Mollie’s sleeping head through the rearview mirror. 

It’s time for pjs and bed as soon as they get home and she’s thankful for how good their kids are when they go up the stairs with no complaints (not that Mollie is capable of doing anything other than snore right now). Tessa is happy to let Scott take the lead on getting Nathan ready while she takes a much-needed bathroom break, but she makes him promise that she can read the bedtime story. There’s going to be a night or two coming up soon where she won’t be able to because she’ll be in the hospital and she’s not sure how many bedtime stories she’ll be able to read once she gets back. She wants to keep up their tradition, but it might not be possible every night depending on what Eva needs. Tessa has to make the most of this. 

However, by the time she gets changed herself and makes her way to Nathan’s door someone else is already getting prepared to read. She pauses before going in when she hears Becca say, “Your mama is really tired, so maybe we can read together tonight, is that okay?” Tessa’s hand clutches at the material right over her heart as she listens to Nathan agree and tell Becca that he wants the book she gave him for his birthday, “the one with Mama’s grown-up name.” She stays standing in the hall, listening to Becca read, even as the back of her legs start to ache, occasionally sneaking a glance through the crack in the door at the two kids curled up in bed. 

When the story is over she hears Nathan give Becca a kiss and then tell his sister, “Have to say goodnight to Dada too.” 

Tessa listens carefully as Nathan lifts up the photo frame by his bed and then Becca says, “Goodnight Jonathan, sleep well.” The words, and how Becca says them, kind and sincere, carve into Tessa, another mark of love and pain. 

She’s still rubbing her eyes when Becca comes out. Becca’s face falls and Tessa puts her arms out, nestling the little girl in close to her. “Should I not have I not have done that?” Becca asks tentatively.

“What you did was perfect,” Tessa assures her. “It just reminded me how happy I am to have you in my life.” Becca snuggles in a little more. “Thank you for all the wonderful ideas and organising you did for the party, and for being such a great big sister to Nathan. Thank you for being you.” It’s not too hard to lean down and kiss the top of Becca’s head, it feels like she’s grown so much already in the time Tessa has known her. “I love you.” 

It’s barely a murmur, but she knows she hears Becca say, “Love you too,” feels it in her heart and all over her body as it settles into her blood, her lungs, her soul.

When Tessa looks up again she sees Scott leaning against the doorframe to Becca’s room on the other side of the hall. He has a soft smile on his face, almost a dreamy one. 

She fixes up Becca’s hair where she’s mussed it. “You ready to go to bed now?” 

“Can I still read my book?” Becca can barely get the words out in between her yawns.

“Sure, but maybe just one chapter?” 

Becca sighs. “You know how hard that can be sometimes, Tessa.” 

Tessa does know, can remember reading under the covers with a flashlight when Jordan wouldn’t let her keep the lamp in their room on. “Goodnight, Becca.” She receives another hug before Becca walks over to her dad, yawning again. 

While Scott and Becca go into the almost nine year old’s room, Tessa goes into Nathan’s. She might not be reading him his story tonight but she still wants to give him a goodnight kiss. He stirs a little as she sits down on the side of his bed, making a garbled noise that she thinks is meant to be “Mama.” 

“Sweet dreams, baby. I love you so much.” She kisses his slightly sweaty forehead and pulls up his covers, making sure that he’s tucked in just right. It’s been worrying her a little lately, whether Nathan will be jealous of all the attention the new baby will get. He’s the sweetest of kids, but he’s only known life as an only child, or more recently as the youngest. He might feel the adjustment more than the girls will. Maybe that’s something she can talk about with Becca as well as with Scott. 

It’s Scott’s bed she heads for next, it’s comfier than her own right now. She’s just finding the best spot when he joins her, sliding in and wrapping his arms around her. “Good day?” he whispers, right into her ear, warming her up. 

“Great day,” she confirms. “Even if you did lie to me.” 

He chuckles, his lips against her jaw, the vibration of it moving through her. “How else was I supposed to delay you? And I didn’t want to make all those organisers mad.”

Tessa can understand, they’re some formidable women. “We’ve got some good people in our lives.” She turns her head so that she’s facing Scott as best she can and strokes her nose against his. “I’m glad I met you.” She never expected to find something so special in that community room, certainly never imagined that she’d be having a baby shower there one day. It had been a little surreal to take people from all the parts of their life into the place where they met. 

He’s quiet for a little moment before saying, “I’m glad I met you too.” And then he kisses her, soft and sweet until she puts her hand in his hair and slides her tongue against his, attempting to get as close to him as she can (Tessa adores their daughter, but she’s made that part rather tricky). In the beginning she never let herself concentrate on how good it was to simply kiss Scott, it interfered with the belief that all they had was sex. Now though, she can appreciate his lips on hers, the taste of toothpaste on his breath that’s almost more familiar than her own, the way his hands caress her body like it’s more beautiful now than ever. 

She really did mean for it to be just a kiss, but his chest is heaving against hers and one of his hands is palming her ass and now she very much wants to make the most of these last few weeks of wanting sex. It might not even be weeks this time around, she’s definitely bigger at this stage than she was with Nathan. Scott’s surprised when she slips her hand under his trousers, she knows from the hitch in his breath, but she can tell he’s far from opposed to the development when he makes the most delicious moan that leaves her needing more. 

“You’re sure you’re not too tired?” 

She answers him by turning her head around so that they’re spooning properly and guiding his hand up her thigh and under the large nightdress she’s wearing. He follows her lead beautifully, tugging down her underwear and then sliding his middle finger over and along her folds. He goes slowly with her, light touches to her clit and gentle circles just at her entrance, knowing that’s what she needs even if she might want him to go faster. There’s a whine building at the back of her throat when he finally enters her and she pushes her hips right back to meet his, shivering when she feels how hard he is against her ass. 

“Do you want just this, babe, or…” She’s telling him she needs more before he can finish asking, can’t wait to feel him inside her. She can’t take all of him right now, it wouldn’t be comfortable, but there’s no need to remind him of that. He slides in slowly and her eyelids flutter as he moves back and forth. It’s an achingly slow rhythm but a gorgeous one too, gives her time to notice just how good his cock feels, lets her catalogue the veins, hear how his breathing intermingles with her own. She’s not doing much more than pressing back a little, letting him do all the work. There’s something vulnerable about that, leaving herself completely in his hands. He knows exactly how to take her to the edge, knows so many ways to do that now. 

Sex with Scott now is a comfort as well as everything else, another way of taking care of one another. It’s an ‘I love you’ when she tugs at his hair, and an ‘I love you’ when he presses down on her clit with that perfect pressure, and ‘I love you’ when she whispers the words as she comes, his release a sweet relief echoing her own. 

She tells him again when she contorts her head back so that she can kiss him properly, marvelling at the shy joy in his eyes. He needs regular reminders that she’s really said those words out loud, and she’s more than happy to give them to him. She keeps kissing him, waiting out her need to pee, enjoying this moment that is just theirs. A time just for them after a day about preparing to welcome their baby along with all the people who love them. It’s right, she thinks, it started like that after all. 

—

When Tessa told him her idea, he had to stamp down the instinct to tell her no.

They’d been lying in his bed (lower to the ground and proving to be much more comfortable for someone 36 weeks pregnant), the two of them wearing glasses, him going over his schedule for his last two weeks of work and her looking over emails on the laptop between them. He hadn’t reacted beyond holding the papers in his hand tighter, but it was enough. “I should be allowed to treat her on her birthday,” Tessa said and Scott couldn’t do anything but agree to that.

Which is how he ends up, on the morning of the 16th, making breakfast and waiting for Tessa to clear her throat. 

They’re all chatting happily around the table with Marner ping ponging back and forth between his feet in hopes of scraps and his family for love and attention. “So,” Tessa says on the tail end of the kids’ giggles. He missed the joke but it doesn’t matter because their laughter is the best part anyway. “Becca, I know you’re birthday is still quite a few days away, but I’d like to give you your present now, if that’s okay?”

Scott turns off the burner and transfers the pancakes to a plate, setting it down on the table in the middle. He’ll serve up only after Becca’s opened her gift. 

Becca looks up at him, a smile erupting on her face even as she asks somewhat cautiously, “Daddy, is that okay?” He makes a big show of thinking it over, hums extra loud and taps a finger to his lips. 

Becca waits patiently but Mollie climbs to her feet on her chair, which of course makes Nathan try to stand up, only stopping when Tessa shakes her head and taps her finger on the table. “Let her open it! I wanna see,” Mollie exclaims. 

“Mollie, on your bottom,” Tessa says, firm. She’s been getting more scared about the kids being reckless. Must be something to do with how close Eva’s arrival is.

Mollie sits down with a quiet, “Okay, Mama,” but still turns to Scott. “ _ Pleeeeease _ ?” Nathan joins in the pleas too, commenting on how pretty the wrapping paper is. It’s only then that Scott even notices the slender present on the empty chair next to Tessa, wrapped in sunny yellow paper with a green bow in the middle.

“Go on then, baby,” he says, pressing a kiss to Becca’s forehead.

She makes no comment on how she isn’t a baby anymore, just wiggles excitedly in her seat and smiles at Tessa. Becca unwraps the present carefully, ignoring Mollie who asks her to shake it. “My present next,” Nathan asks Tessa.

“Only presents for Becca, my love. It’s her birthday, no one else’s.” Nathan is definitely put out by this answer but nods anyway, his arms crossing over his chest.

“Oh,” Becca gasps softly once she’s removed the lid of the box. Beneath the tissue paper is a program for  _ Alice in Wonderland _ at the National Ballet, perfectly shiny. “Thank you so much, Tessa!”

Tessa lets out a short laugh, trapping her bottom lip between her teeth. “Open it up, Becca.” There, right on the first page, are two tickets to that afternoon’s performance. Becca’s jaw drops, eyes so wide Scott thinks they might actually pop out of her head. “You didn’t think I’d just get you the program, did you?”

Tessa nearly gets knocked out of her chair with the force of Becca’s hug, a small  _ oof _ coming from Tessa as she wraps her arms around Becca, tucking her into her side. “Thank you, thank you,  _ thank you _ ,” Becca murmurs into Tessa’s shoulder.

“What is it?” Nathan asks. Mollie has climbed into Becca’s seat to investigate closer but doesn’t seem to have any answer for her brother.

“Becca and I are going to go to the ballet,” Scott answers. Nathan accepts this with a smile and a quiet, “That’s nice.” 

His girls do not accept it easily. “Why can’t I go?” Mollie asks him while Becca says, “You’re not coming with, Tessa?”

Tessa combs Becca’s hair back and kisses her forehead. “I’d spend half the show in the bathroom, sweetie.”

Scott picks Mollie up and places her in his lap once he’s sat down in the chair. “I think a show still might be too long for you to sit through, Mol.”

“I could too!”

“Maybe we can bring you back something, Mollie,” Becca tries. It’s no use though, Mollie already secure in her bad mood. He feels bad he’s going to leave Tessa with Mollie like this.

Except Tessa is a wonderful mother and she has, so easily, tuned herself to what Mollie needs. “Silly girl, you don’t even know what kind of fun stuff we’re going to get up to here.”

Like parrots, Mollie and Nathan repeat, “Fun stuff?” 

“See,” Scott says, “you’ll have a good time too.”

Later, he drives them to Malton station in Mississauga where they park the van and hop on the train to take them into the city, not wanting to ruin the day with Toronto drivers. He lets Becca sit next to the window so she can see everything whiz by them and Scott finds himself taking a moment to look at his eldest.

Tessa painted her nails so that they matched her dress and afterwards, sat Becca down at her vanity so that Becca could pick out some makeup to put on. He’s seen her in makeup before, of course, but only the dramatic stage kind Becca sometimes has to wear for performances (he’s not sure the memories of her playing in Sarah’s limited makeup options at the ripe old age of three count). It’s weird to look at her now, this little lady of his, with lip gloss carefully applied and a bit of blush making her cheeks rosier than usual. There are days where he feels so much older than he is, like he’s lived a lifetime already at least, but he looks at Becca and can’t figure out how the last nine years have passed so quickly. He always thought it was a cliche that old people said except he really doesn’t understand where the time has gone. Wasn’t he just holding her wiggling pink body on the crook of his arm just yesterday? And now here she is, this big kid who is smart and beautiful and serious and sweet.

(He wishes Sarah were here to see this, to put her hand in his and tell him they’ve done a damn good job.)

Becca’s got on her nicer winter coat, the one that buttons rather than zips, not the puffy one she puts on most days for school and activities. Her dress pokes out beneath it, tulle fluffing up the blue velvet, and her legs are covered in the thick white tights he told her she had to wear if she wanted to wear a dress. Her boots are stylish instead of practical, just like his own, and her legs swing back and forth excitedly, the toes of her boots kicking the empty seat in front of them quietly. “I can’t believe I get to go to the ballet before I’m even ten years old,” Becca says, her voice high and full of wonder. It makes him laugh. He didn’t realize that Becca thought there was a certain age she needed to be for the ballet. She shoves her mittens into his pocket before leaning into his arm. “We have to bring Tessa back something. This is just so nice!”

He chuckles softly and wraps his arm around Becca. “We can if you’d like but I think she really just wants you to have a nice time.”

“We’re going to  _ the ballet _ ! It’s going to be even better than a nice time!” The train slows as it comes up to the next stop and Becca sways with the motion. “Lisa and Mabel are not going to believe it when I tell them at school Monday. They’re going to be so jealous!”

The mention of Becca’s friends reminds him to check his texts for RSVPs to the sleepover they’re having next weekend for Becca’s birthday. He’s not prepared to have five other little girls in the house in addition to his own kids. Thank god they’ll be down in the basement for the most part.

Becca sits back up, watching out the window again for a moment before asking, “Are you sure you have the tickets, Daddy? Can I see them again?” He’s surprised she hasn’t insisted on putting them in her little purse. Maybe she doesn’t trust herself not to lose them either.

He pulls them out of the pocket inside his coat and there’s no hiding the stars in Becca’s eyes as she takes the tickets from him. She is looking so excited, so reverent. 

He wonders if she’ll look at Eva like that.

“Daddy,” Becca whispers, “these are main floor tickets.”

“I know.”

Her eyebrows wiggle in confusion before she mutters, “These are very expensive.” And then, Becca starts crying.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He gathers her up and plops her in his lap, his hold on her tight like he knows she needs when she gets like this. 

“Should I call Tessa mo…” She can’t bring herself to say the word completely, the last bit getting caught in her throat and ending up lost in a wave of tears and heartbreaking whines.

Scott starts to rock her back and forth, rubbing a hand up and down her back. “Whoa, Becca, no, no. Is that why you think Tessa got you this present?”

Becca, resolutely, shakes her head. “No. But they are very nice tickets and that would be something very nice to do for her.”

It’s like a punch in the gut. “I clearly haven’t done a very good job as your daddy if that’s what you think.”

Rubbing the back of her hand under her nose, she says, “You’re the best daddy.”

“Tessa doesn’t expect  _ anything _ from you, Becca. She just loves you and wants you to be happy. That’s why she did this. I think your hug and your morning together was more than enough thanks.” He could tell, just by the way Tessa looked at Becca earlier that it was. 

Becca lets out a tired breath and tucks her head in the crook of his neck. “I miss Mommy.”

“I know, love.” As wonderful as it was to see Tessa and Becca this morning, he felt the loss of Sarah keenly. It should’ve been her showing Becca how to put on lipstick, doing Becca’s hair, helping pick out her dress. He’s glad,  _ so _ glad Tessa is here to help him with his girls, but he doubts he will ever get over Sarah not being here for moments like this.

Becca holds onto the tickets tightly in her hands, careful not to bend them. “Will they take our tickets? Or will get to keep them?” She nods, once, after he tells her they’ll get to keep them. “I’m going to put mine next to the picture of Mommy. So I can see it in the morning when I wake up.” Becca looks up at him with her big blue eyes still a little glossed over. “I am still very happy about going today, Daddy, even though I cried.”

He shifts her weight to his other leg so he won’t stand up with pins and needles come their stop. He finds himself at a loss as to what to say, scared that what he could say ( _ That’s how Tessa feels most days with Jonathan gone, how I feel when I see your mom in you and your sister _ ) is too much for his not so little girl to hear, but afraid to not say enough if he simply tells her he understands. It’s a very grown up feeling, he thinks, to recognize happiness amidst the sadness. Lord knows it took a long time for him to admit it without guilt sitting heavy on his chest. What he doesn’t want, however, is Becca to feel alone, so he rests his cheek on top of her head and says, “Happy days are no less happy with a few tears.”

He thinks it’s enough. He hopes it’s enough.

Becca stays in his lap, cuddled close, until their stop.

  
  


Scott’s beginning to think they’ll be hearing about the ballet for the rest of the year.

It’s been over a week and it seems as though Becca has something else to say about Alice’s adventures in every other sentence. What had been so very endearing to begin with (honestly, Scott could go on himself about how completely enchanting it was to see Becca’s wonderment first hand), has reached the stage of mild annoyance for Nathan, irritation for Mollie, and borders on exasperation for him and Tessa. But, her birthday is tomorrow and that means that despite the entire family tiring of Wonderland, Scott is adamant to not say anything that could rain on Becca’s excitement.

However, he  _ also _ doesn’t chastise Mollie for the over-exaggerated sigh she releases once Becca goes upstairs to shower. “I miss when she talked about books,” Mollie says as she scoops sugar into the big measuring cup.

Tessa snorts from beside her, her weight shifting from foot to foot. She’d gone to dance class with Becca earlier and he can tell that she’s regretting it. He thinks of going over to rub at her lower back but that would mean Nathan wouldn’t be able to sit on the counter anymore and his little man is much too excited at being so close to the action for Scott to upset him. “She just really enjoyed her present,” Tessa adds, doing her best to keep the peace even though he knows she agrees a bit with Mollie.

Scott knocks his knuckle on the counter. “You could very well be like this come your birthday too, Mol.” Thank god hockey season isn’t during the summer. Tickets to see the Leafs… that’s a present that would make Mollie go off the deep end just like Becca.

“Mama, I think the cake needs blueberries,” Nathan announces around a mouthful of the tiny fruit. He’s eaten so many that his lips and fingertips have turned a faint shade of purple. 

“Gonna share some of your bowl for the cake,” Scott asks.

Nathan brings the bowl fully between his legs. “These are mine.”

“We’re putting strawberries in, love. They’re Becca’s favorite.” Tessa gives Mollie the go ahead to pour the sugar into the mixing bowl once she verifies it’s the proper amount. “Yummy strawberries with yummy chocolate frosting,” Tessa sing-songs.

“Blueberries would be better,” Nathan whispers to Scott. He opens his mouth, happy when Nathan deems him worthy of sharing with, and chews on the two still slightly frozen berries the little boy tossed onto his tongue.

Suddenly, Mollie gasps. At first he assumes it has something to do with the eggs she’s cracking (she’s still learning how to not get shells in the eggs), only Tessa looks alarmed by the outburst and Mollie spins around on the chair she’s standing on to look at him. “Daddy, I didn’t get Becca a present!” The only way to describe Mollie’s face at that moment is one of complete and utter horror. “We never went back to the bookstore!”

The color drains from Scott’s face. He had taken Mollie and Nathan out this weekend while Becca was busy with her sleepover so they could find presents for their sister, but when they made it to Indigo, they found the store was closed early. They were meant to go back yesterday, but then Scott picked up a shift at work, completely forgetting about taking Mollie.

Nathan interjects, “Mollie, we got Becca Moo book.” Or a Moomin book, to be precise. It was beautifully illustrated but Scott is pretty sure it was the word Moo and the fact that the animals looked a little like cows are what attracted Nathan. 

“No, Natey,  _ you _ got Becca that! I didn’t get her anything!” She jumps down from her chair, a small cloud of flour following her movement, and scurried over to him, all while trying to untie her apron. “Daddy, what are we gonna  _ do _ ?!”

Tessa turns off the mixer. “Mollie, it’s alright,” she tries but Mollie just shakes her head.

“No Mama, it is not!” She grabs Scott’s hand and starts pulling. “We gotta go!”

Scott stands up on autopilot before remembering to grab Nathan even if the little boy is settled. He lets out a little grunt but seems more upset about being away from his blueberries than anything. “Mollie, do you know what you want to get Becca?” Mollie shakes her head.

It’s going to be a long night.

“Go, go, the both of you,” Tessa urges, tilting Scott’s chin to give him a kiss and effectively shaking him out of his stupor. “Nathan, come help me with the cake.”

Two hours later they arrive back home, a small mountain of books on the passenger seat. Mollie decided on the entirety of  _ The Chronicles of Narnia _ and Scott hadn’t had the strength to limit her to one. His little one has fallen asleep and he plans on waking her up to change into her pajamas except he walks in the front door to find  _ Tessa _ crying. “Whoa, what’s wrong,” he whispers, shifting Mollie to one arm so he can bring Tessa in close.

She shakes her head, lips rolled tight over her teeth. A tiny whimper emerges without her consent and Scott can tell it irritates her despite whatever else is upsetting her. “The, the,” she tries but she can’t get it out without getting more emotional.

“I’m going to lay Mollie down then be right down, okay?” At Tessa’s nod, Scott climbs the stairs two at a time. He gets Mollie out of her coat and boots but otherwise leaves her in the clothes she threw on after her bath, picked because they’d be okay to get dirty in. She doesn’t fuss at all, just sighs and curls into her pillow.

Back downstairs, Scott finds Tessa in the kitchen sobbing. The counters are a mess and he notices now the frosting smeared along her apron, forehead, and hands. “They all look  _ awful _ !” Her hands sweep out in front of her, a dramatic gesture for the cupcakes and small round cake. 

Personally, he doesn’t think they look too bad, just wonderfully homemade. Half the cupcakes have lopsided frosting swirls, some with the definition showing and others with the lines blended (resembling, for lack of a better descriptor, the poop emoji, not that Scott would  _ ever _ say that out loud), while the other half just have a not so thin layer of frosting spread over the top of the cupcakes. The cake itself looks fine, a nice even coat of frosting spread all around it. The top, however, does look as if it’s been scraped and redone.

“I can’t let Becca take these to school tomorrow. We’ll have to stop by the store.” 

He tears off a few paper towels, wetting them in the sink. “Tess, babe, we can salvage these.” Gently, he wipes away the faint streak of chocolate from her eyebrow, chooses to kiss away the chocolate at the corner of her mouth. Her tears come a little slower but Scott can feel just how much she’s still shaking.

“I just want her to have the perfect day,” Tessa admits.

He lets a laugh rumble in his throat. “I think you gave her that the day you gave her tickets to the ballet.”

“But that wasn’t her actual  _ birthday _ !” He can feel her hands, still messy, curling into the sides of his shirt. Tessa’s struggling to get her breathing under control, her breaths coming in hiccups as she keeps crying. Scott slides his palms flat on her back, her shoulder blades rippling beneath his touch, and he takes in a deep, slow breath, his stomach expanding to touch hers. After two breaths, Tessa finally follows his lead, breathing in when he does, exhaling when he does. As her breathing slows, Scott’s hands slide down to her waist, fingers interlocking to bring her closer into him, and Tessa rests her wet cheek against his own, nosing among his jaw. She grips his arm as he kisses whatever bit of skin he can reach. “This is my first one with her,” Tessa murmurs. “First birthdays are special, always.”

Scott’s shoulders drop even as he cups Tessa’s cheek. He hadn’t really thought of it that way, hadn’t expected Tessa to look at it like this either, and he has to admit, he feels at a loss for what to say to comfort her.

He thinks about if this were him and Sarah. It wouldn’t be this exact situation of course, no crying over imperfect cupcakes because those were always purchased anyway, but how he would have handled being surprised by her, her feelings. He’d comfort her, probably a lot like he did Tessa. But then he would’ve just gone with whatever her suggestion was, thinking that was really what she wanted, that it went no deeper than what he saw.

He sends up a silent apology to his wife, for not doing better when she was here.

“It’s going to be special,” he says, looking her straight in the eye. “Because it’s the first she gets to celebrate with you and Nathan, in our new home. It’ll be special because she’s turning nine. And it’ll be special because we’ll spend all night getting these treats just right, okay?” Tessa doesn’t look convinced but allows him to sit her down on one of the barstools. “I’m going to scrape the frosting off the cupcakes and I’ll help you frost them.”

“What about the cake?”

He pulls the drawer with the trash bin open and grabs a butter knife amidst the carnage laid out before him. “We can worry about that tomorrow since we won’t eat it until after dinner.” Pausing just before he’s about to push the frosting into the trash, he asks, “Do you have enough ingredients left to make more or should be try and salvage this?”

“Probably best to save some. We’re almost out of butter, I think.”

Surveying the spread, Scott assesses and then nods to himself. Some of the cupcakes have a lot of crumbs in the frosting (how that happened he’s not sure but he suspects the rough frosting on top of the cake may have something to do with it) so those are the ones he starts scraping clean. It’s only once he’s gotten rid of the “bad” frosting that Tessa stands back up, little gruff huffs coming from her. “I’ll go get the ingredients for another batch,” she sighs. He has half a mind to tell her to go up to sleep she sounds so tired, but he knows it would be a waste of breath. She won’t settle until things are perfect.

He settles for asking, “I can go grab it if you want. Go sit back down, rest your feet.”

She shakes her head. “I’m already up, and I should probably pee anyway.” She stops at his side, taking his chin in her hand so she can kiss him properly. “Thank you for helping.”

“‘Course,” he says as he kisses her again and again and again until he feels her lips turn up.

There’s even a little laugh when she pulls away. “Okay, okay, we have to get back to work.” He nods, affixing a look of seriousness that just makes her laugh more. “I’ll go grab the butter. I think everything else is here.” She huffs a bit as she rounds the island. “It’d drive me crazy to do now but the minute things settle, we’re remodeling the kitchen so the fridge can actually, you know,  _ be in the kitchen _ .”

It’s not until sometime around two that he trudges upstairs, more than a little exhausted from the day. The cupcakes are officially up to Tessa’s standard and stowed away in the fridge, the cake still bare but a problem for them later. He really should just go collapse in his room but his feet take him to Becca’s room, padding softly over to her bed.

She’s got a book laying open on the pillow next to her and he makes sure to bookmark the page before he closes it and puts it on her bedside table. Gently, Scott eases down next to her, taking care to pull the blankets a little higher over her curled up body. A snore, one so loud and so deep that it would put a grown man to shame, is released right into his face. He has to bite down on his lips to stop from laughing. His girls have always been snorers but Becca has always been the loudest, he can remember Sarah telling him to turn down the baby monitor because it was like hearing the snoring in surround sound. 

He pushes her hair back from her face, smiling at his not so quiet and not so little baby. Will he ever not long for the days it was just the two of them? When his world boiled down to his Rebecca and making sure every day of hers was great? He loves how his family has grown and he is so very excited to see Becca grow up, loves seeing her step into her own, but those days when it was her tiny hand in his as he helped her walk… those days were special.

“Happy birthday, Becca,” he whispers. 

Becca stirs when he kisses her temple, eyes opening in long, slow blinks. “Is it time for school?” she asks, voice garbled with sleep. 

She rolls closer to him, her knees knocking into his side. “No, you still have a lot of time,” he whispers. “I just wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday.”

Even despite her sleepiness, Becca smiles. Her hand comes out from beneath the covers to hold his. “Thank you, Daddy.” Her eyes stay closed long enough that he thinks she may have fallen back asleep but then she brings their joined hands up to rub at her face. “Daddy, I’m nine.”

“You are,” he chuckles. 

“It’s my birthday,” she says dreamily which only makes him laugh more.

“Go back to sleep, baby.”

She shakes her head. “That wastes birthday time.” Becca yawns, mouth gaping open and closed like a fish as she tries to get rid of her dry mouth. It takes her two times to sit up and get a drink of the water but once she does, she burrows into Scott’s side, her arms wrapping around his waist.

“You’ll be tired later,” he tries but she insists that she doesn’t care. “What if I let you open your present now? Will you go back to sleep then?” 

He looks down at her to find her eyes have fallen shut again but he can tell by the set of her mouth that she’s thinking. “Will you wait until I fall back asleep too?”

His heart swells. “Of course.”

Tiptoeing into his room, he swipes the wrapped box from the top of his dresser. Tessa is laid out in the middle of his bed, her pregnancy pillow taking up any space he could slot into. He’ll have to sleep in her bed tonight. He doesn’t want to wake up another one of his girls.

Becca’s sitting up against her headboard, the light next to her bed switched on. He’s surprised that she hasn’t gone back to her book but he’s glad she hasn’t; he doesn’t want her to wake up any more. There’s pillowcase wrinkles on her cheek and her hair looks a lot more like Mollie’s, all wavy and crazy. Her smile looks exactly like Sarah’s sleepy smile. “I wasn’t sure if I dreamed you being in here or not,” Becca admits sheepishly. He holds the box between his fingertips, grinning when her smile grows. “I really get to open it?!” Her voice pitches at the end, echoing a little in her room, her hands covering her mouth when she notices.

“Of course.” He sits back down next to her and wraps an arm over her shoulders. He’s glad, really, to be able to give his gift to her when it’s just the two of them. 

Inside the thin, rectangular box, is one of Sarah’s glass figurines attached to a thick black cord. He had spent the better part of an afternoon going through all the little figures, trying to find one that would be suitable enough to turn into a necklace. It came down to a tiny white dove and a small blue starfish, and he very nearly had both done because he couldn’t decide. But his mom took one look at the starfish, the exact color of his baby girl’s eyes, and took in a watery breath, declaring that to be the one Becca would love more.

The starfish shines in the low light and Becca gasps softly once she sees it. “This was Mommy’s.”

He nods, pulling her closer. “I thought you might like to keep it close.” She holds the necklace up and she looks so much like she did at the ballet, so full of wonder and excitement and love. 

“Is it okay if I sleep with it on?”

Tessa would likely have a heart attack but - “I think you’re old enough now, don’t you?” he asks as he takes the necklace from her hand. She holds up her hair and he opens the silver catch, closes it once it’s settled around her neck. Her hands immediately go up to the glass, rubbing over the smooth surface like one might touch the beads of a rosary. “Looks great, kiddo.”

There’s tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, matching the ones that threaten to spill down his cheeks. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He kisses her then accepts her weight as she hugs him fiercely.

“Thank you, Daddy,” she says into his shirt. “This is the best present.”

He inches back so he can get a good look at her. “Better than the ballet?”

Even in the low light, he can still see her faint blush. Becca looks over to the side of the room and she sighs before saying, “I think they’re both the best presents.”

He laughs, quiet. “I can accept that.” One more kiss, this time to the top of her head, and then Scott gathers up the wrapping paper and box. “Time to get back to sleep, birthday girl.”

Becca turns out the light before wiggling back into place, making sure Scott gets under the covers too. She lays against him just like she did as a baby. Sleep comes for her fast. He knows he could easily get up to go to bed himself, in a room where no one is snoring, but he settles in.

He’s going to take as much time as he can get with his baby.

—

Ashley insists they go out for pedicures.

It doesn’t take much convincing at all. Her feet hurt all the time now and Tessa really doesn’t even know how her feet are faring it’s been so long since she’s seen them. And while Scott’s foot massages are great, she could do with a soak followed by someone unafraid of hurting her.

Beyond that, Tessa knows her friend needs to talk. This little outing is not one that is pure of heart but that’s okay. It’s refreshing, honestly, that she feels ready to step back into her role as a good friend. After the accident, Tessa knew she’d been an awful friend, too wrapped up in her own new sad reality. She was barely holding on being a functioning person and being the best mom she could. There was no way she could’ve spent any energy on someone else. No one blames her, of course, not even herself. It’s what had to happen following Jonathan’s passing.

And despite the fact that her world is about to get busier, turn upside down once again, albeit more manageable this time, Tessa knows she can finally give her all to nurturing her friendships.

Tessa holds back a moan as she puts her feet in the tub beneath her chair, not wanting to be  _ that _ person. “Okay, tell me what’s bothering you,” Tessa sighs, looking over at Ashley who is still tapping madly at her phone. Out of the office rarely ever means leaving work behind so Tessa just waits for her friend to finish her email. With a small huff, Ashely puts her phone into her purse and visibly brushes away the negative energy from work, making Tessa’s lips upturn at the old habit Ashley’s had since high school. She can still remember her friend doing the same thing after finishing exams. Tessa wonders if she does it after mediations too. “Is this about what happened at the baby shower?”

Ashley’s head jerks up. “Did Jordan talk to you already?”

“No, not at all,” Tessa reassures. “I only know what happened because of Becca and Scott.” Even then, it’s not as if Tessa knows much beyond that. “What exactly happened?”

There’s a pause as their pedicurists come over to ask what they’d like and as soon as Ashley says, “The ultra deluxe or whatever for the both of us, thank you,” she turns back to Tessa with the heaviest sigh. “She laughed!”

Tessa shares a confused look with the woman about to trim her toenails before directing her attention to her friend. “My mom laughed?”

“No, no. Your mom made the joke about us needing the decorations next which, I know, is ridiculous. I mean, we only just started dating. It hasn’t even been a year! Having a baby now would-” Ashley cuts herself off, looking down at Tessa’s stomach. Her cheeks pink but Tessa is glad Ashley doesn’t apologize. “It’s crazy. You know it’s crazy, even if you did the same thing.”

“Oh I don’t know about that,” Tessa says as she tries readjusting her weight so there isn’t so much pressure on her sciatic nerve. “Scott and I didn’t even start dating until last month.”

She smiles when Ashley laughs, glad that it lightened the mood a little bit. “Between the two of us, I always thought I’d walk away with the crazier stories,” Ashley confesses with an amused quirk to her lips.

“This absolutely does  _ not _ outweigh spring break of senior year!”

“Tessa, please. You’re the co-creator of Instagram. That’s crazy to say out loud. Way crazier than the threeway I had our fourth year of high school.” Their pedicurists share a look at that and Tessa is about to apologize for how crass Ashley is but she keeps going. “Anyway, Jordan  _ laughed _ about it! And not like how  _ I  _ laughed.”

“How did she laugh?”

“It was a  _ never _ laugh, not a ‘not now’ laugh like mine!” Ashley crosses her arms across her chest and Tessa catches just how red Ashley’s eyes are getting. “I know I was pretty wild in high school when Jo first knew me,” Tessa has to smother the smile that wants to break free at the confirmation that her sister and Ashley use nicknames for one another now, “but I’ve really grown up and matured. Even just since moving back! I think I’ve become a damn good auntie if I do say so myself!”

Tessa reaches over and takes Ashley’s hand in hers. “You’re a wonderful aunt!” She knows that’s not really what the focus is here but Tessa feels she can’t let that pass by without comment. “Have you talked to her about it?” Jordan hasn’t mentioned anything to her at all, so there isn’t much Tessa can go on at the moment.

Ashley looks away. “No. I've been just, sleeping at home or the office.”

Jordan certainly hadn’t mentioned that. “So you’ve been stewing.” Tessa shakes her head. “You’re both lawyers! How are you both so inept at discussing things?”

“Oh, fuck off! You didn’t even admit to dating Scott until a month ago!”

Tessa goes to sit up straighter but inadvertently almost kicks her pedicurist. “I’m so sorry,” Tessa says to the woman before looking back at Ashley. “You know that’s not an accurate comparison. There’s nothing stopping you from just talking to her about it.” Ashley sighs, so angry and irritated that her own pedicurist has to tell her to relax her foot so she can work. Tessa waits until they’re both done getting their feet and calves massaged to continue the conversation. She is all about being a great friend again but she’s going to enjoy the feeling of refreshed feet too. “So, you want kids with my sister?”

Ashley rolls her shoulders, her head tilting from side to side. “Maybe? I’m not completely opposed to it like she seems to be.”

Tessa drops her head against the chair after taking a sip of water. “Remember when we couldn’t imagine having kids?”

“And how that went out the window the minute you fell in love with Jonathan,” Ashley adds with a smile. 

Eva stretches and Tessa lets her eyes drift shut. It’s funny how love makes you want more of a person, how it convinces you that the world would be a better place with more of them in it. She had known she loved working with kids from teaching dance, but having some of her own seemed a million miles away before things got serious with Jonathan. She still remembers the first time she had thought about it - they’d gone to Toronto for a day the first summer they’d been dating and had to squeeze themselves onto a bus in the middle of rush hour. Tessa was in between two old ladies while Jonathan had been on the other side, wedged beside a baby in a stroller. The baby had been absolutely adorable, all black curls and big blue eyes, and Jonathan had made faces at him for the full ten minutes they were on the bus. There had been a distinct moment when she thought ‘ _ oh _ ’ as she watched him with that baby, like what she was feeling was too far ahead of where they were. 

Tessa will always be sad Jonathan had such a short time with Nathan, but now she’s also grateful for the time they did have together as a family. She’s so glad she got to see him have those moments with a baby of their own, the piece of him she still has with her making her world better even though he’s gone.

She wonders if Ashley has had that moment with Jordan, and is about to ask her when she thinks that maybe she shouldn’t be the first person to hear about it if she has. “You should talk about all this with Jordan, just let her know how you felt that night.” 

Ashley taps her fingers on the armrests of her chair. “I’m not even sure I want to have kids, I just know that I don’t want it completely off the table.” 

“That’s all you need to say then. It’s a starting point.” Tessa nudges her friend with her elbow and sends her a gentle, encouraging smile. “But you need to go over and talk to her to start.”

“God, you tell your baby daddy you love him and all of a sudden you’re a relationship expert,” Ashley jokes, rolling her eyes in a way that Tessa really thinks she might have picked up from Jordan. 

Ashley seems to be feeling better and, with no other advice to give, Tessa changes the subject. “Talking about baby daddies, did you see on Facebook that Meaghan the vegan from our Biology class is pregnant?” 

The rest of the pedicure is spent doing a review of what people from their high school are up to, having to resort to some wild guessing in quite a few cases. It’s fun, and she drives away feeling better than she had when she went in, hoping that Ashley feels the same.

She’s almost home when she gets a call from Jordan, who jumps straight in with no preamble. “I think I messed up with Ashley.”

“You think?!” Tessa blurts out, her mouth much too far ahead of her mind.

There’s a short pause. “Has she talked to you about it? Are you with her now?” Jordan demands.

“Not now, but I was talking to her earlier.” She’s not sure she wants to admit that she just left her.

“What did she say? What is she thinking?”

Tessa has never wanted to be in the middle of their relationship, and she thinks she might just have walked herself right in there. “I think you should talk to her about it. Have you been seeing much of her over the past few days?”

“I was giving her space! I thought she needed space!” Tessa is really glad she’s pulled into her driveway because Jordan’s tone is starting to stress her out. “Aren’t you meant to give people space in relationships?”

“Well, yeah, but… talking is also good?” Tessa is waiting for the comeback about how she should have spoken to Scott earlier, but none arrives. “What do you think happened?”

“It definitely started when Mom made that  _ stupid _ joke about us needing the baby shower decorations, except… maybe it actually wasn’t that stupid? Because my first thought when she said it was ‘maybe we will!’ Which is ridiculous! Because we’ve never talked about it! And then I freaked the fuck out and started laughing hysterically and it probably sounded really fake and maybe Ashley knows I took too long to start laughing and thinks I want a baby right now, which I don’t, not this minute now, and I’m not even 100% sure I want a baby, just that maybe I do. With her.” Jordan gulps down some air before diving in again. “But what if she doesn’t want kids and I do? Or what if I’d be a bad mom? And how would we go about it? Would we adopt? Would we foster? Would one of us carry the baby? Which one of us? And whose sperm would we use? A donor? Casey or Kevin? Ashley’s friend Adam? What if Ashley didn’t want to carry but I did so we used her egg but say Casey’s sperm and then I was technically carrying my brother’s baby? Would that be weird? It might feel weird but it actually wouldn’t be really because it might be the best way of having a baby and that would be worth it? Right?”

Jesus Christ.

“Take a deep breath,” Tessa starts, and waits until she hears Jordan do one before continuing. “Most of those aren’t questions I can answer for you, but one that I do know the answer to is that if you wanted to be a mom, you would be a great one. And if you decided you didn’t want to be one that would be great too. The other questions are ones you need to talk over with Ashley. But maybe not all at once.” 

Jordan laughs, unsurprisingly sounding like she’s still out of breath. “That’s probably a good idea. I mean, I know I should just talk to her about it, but…” Jordan suddenly sounds a lot more tiny when she continues, her voice sad in a way that reminds Tessa of high school and shared secrets in their bedroom. “What if it’s a straight no? I’m not even sure I want to have kids, but I do want to talk about it.”

This is all very familiar. She doesn’t know whether she should be exasperated or fond of the way they’re both so in sync. “All you can do is have that conversation and see what happens.”

“You’re right,” Jordan says, resolute. “Thank you. I’ll call her now and see if she can meet up tonight.” 

“You’re welcome. Let me know how it goes.” She’s not sure she’s ever been so relieved to hear Jordan hang up the phone. Tessa is very glad that she’s able to be a good sister again, but she just needs to catch her breath and rest her brain after the emotional onslaught. 

After a minute to herself in the car she goes into the house. The girls are at their activities but Scott and Nathan should be home. There’s no answer when she calls their names but she soon finds them. Scott is laying down on the couch in the living room, fast asleep, with Nathan lying on top of him, snoring, with his glasses askew. It’s the sweetest sight. They both look so comfortable and at peace that she doesn’t want to disturb them, but she also wants to be close. So she lowers herself onto the couch, right by Scott’s head. 

Her hope to not wake him is quickly dashed when he begins to stir. “Tess, you’re back. Did you have a good time?”

She encourages him to put his head on her lap, hard as that may be at the moment, thinks it would be good for him to get some more sleep as he’s getting ready to go on his last set of shifts tomorrow. “I had a great time.”

“Was Jordan there too?” 

“No, but I did talk to her after.” Tessa settles back into the couch, trying to find the comfiest position. “You know, I’m starting to think just jumping straight into having kids without having talked about it might have been a really good idea.”

Scott laughs, a little lazily. “Yeah?” 

She reaches her hand down and starts stroking his hair. “I wouldn’t change it.” 

He hums, pleased. “I think we’re doing good.” 

Tessa looks down over her bump as best she can to Scott’s head in her lap, and Nathan lying content on his chest. She thinks of the girls and how excited they are about their baby sister. She remembers all the friends and family who’d come to her shower. 

She thinks they’re doing good too. 

—

It’s bittersweet, his last day at the station.

Overall, it’s good. Busy enough that it doesn’t feel as though the shift is dragging or leaving him struggling to stay awake, but not filled with the kind of runs that imprint on him, the kind that make him hold everyone a little tighter the next day.

Scott knows that leaving is for the best. He wants to put Tessa at ease, wants to spend more time with all of his kids, wants to not feel like an aching old man half of the week. But his team is like a second family, every member of the station there for him when things got bad, quick to give up their hard-earned time so he could stay with Sarah and the girls or switch days when he needed. Not to mention just the great camaraderie they all have. He doesn’t think he’d have survived working shifts all across the board if he didn’t love his coworkers, didn’t consider them friends.

Box under his arm, Scott walks into the kitchen to grab Tessa’s tupperware. He’s not surprised to find the container empty, nothing left but crumbs. Ham, one of the veteran fighters at the station, is munching on a cookie as he pours the rest of the coffee in the pot into his cup. “How do we get you to bring more of these back?” Ham asks. “Or can we just get Tessa on staff?”

Scott snorts. “Tessa’s got more to do than play baker all day.”

“Shame. I was already thinking about requesting funds to send her way in exchange for cookies.” He pauses, drinking some coffee. Scott just shakes his head with a fond smile as he tosses Tessa’s container in the box that holds everything he had in his locker. “Oh, or those sticky buns she sent you with last week. I think Mike was ready to kill me I went on about them so long.”

“Mike from the office or Mike your husband?”

Ham smirks. “Both. I was talking to anyone who would listen about those things.”

Scott knows he already passed along to Tessa that the station loved her treats but this one might take the cake. “I’ll have to add this to your already glowing review.”

“Moir, I’m certain that I mentioned them to the family whose kitchen fire I put out that day.” That gets Scott laughing, loud. He was wrong.  _ That _ takes the cake. The image of Ham in the middle of some kitchen with a shook up family, smoke all around them, and talking about a sticky bun is… well, it’s probably going to make him laugh every time he thinks about it now. “Honestly, I don’t know how you don’t have a gut like me yet,” Ham adds, giving his little belly a pat.

Scott shrugs. “I’ll have to watch myself now that I won’t be here anymore.” Not that he’s too worried. He’ll have four kids, five if you want to include Marner, to keep him on his toes. Besides, he goes crazy sitting still for too long anyway.

Ham sighs. “We’re gonna miss you, kid.”

Scott pulls Ham in for a one armed hug. “None of that, eh? You’re still gonna see me around.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ham sniffs, brushes the crumbs off his shirt before glancing up at the clock. “I don’t think the rest of the team is going to be back soon to send you off, but we all got together and got this for you.” Out of his back pocket, Ham pulls out an envelope. “It’s not much, we wanted to do more for you but…” Ham shrugs. “Life and shit.” Scott pulls the card out, feeling his eyes well up with tears as he reads it over. Everyone has signed it, even the morning janitor who Scott always loved to talk hockey with, all heartfelt words and well wishes, not a bit of space left empty. He knows if he stands here and reads it all he will cry and he’d much rather do that once he’s gotten home. There’s a bit of weight left in the envelope. Looking inside, Scott finds a gift card to that new restaurant by the station. “Take Tessa out before the baby comes. On us.”

This time Scott sets his box down on the counter and pulls his friend in for a proper hug. 

He’s gonna miss this place.

 

His first stop upon returning home is the kitchen. He wants to grab some water, drop the tupperware in the sink, and see what it is Tessa created tonight. Checking the oven, the fridge, the microwave, he comes up empty. It doesn’t look like Tessa made anything tonight. As mildly disappointed as he is that there isn’t a tart or something to sneak a bite of, Scott gets a skip to his step at the thought of Tessa actually sleeping for more than a few hours. 

Marner is standing at the top of the stairs for him, tail wagging faster the closer he gets. He licks Scott’s hand before Scott scratches behind his ears, the dog following him on his way to check in on Becca.

There he gets another surprise. The bed is empty. Mollie’s too, and Nathan’s. “They in here, Marner?” Scott whispers as he turns towards Tessa’s room. Sure enough, that’s where his family is huddled together, all four of them stretched wildly across the bed. Mollie resembles a starfish at the foot of the bed, one foot hanging off the corner of the mattress, her blanket kicked to the floor. Nathan is curled up on one side of Tessa’s pregnancy pillow, his hand holding his mama’s on top of the comforter. Becca is on the other side of Tessa, backed up against the pregnancy pillow Tessa is lying in the middle of, Becca’s mouth open and drooling on the pillow. Tessa herself is actually snoring softly (it’s a cute snore, Scott thinks, compared to his girls’ foghorns), giving way to the fact that she  _ has _ been asleep for some time now. 

Exhaustion must have won out over her anxiety.

Marner trots around him and jumps onto the bed, circling until he settles down next to Mollie, his head settling on Tessa’s calf. Scott thinks of trying to somehow tetris himself in between everyone but decides against it. He doesn’t want to risk waking anyone up.

He heads to his room to change into some pajamas and brush his teeth, then grabs a pillow and a blanket.

Tessa’s moved, just a little bit. Some part of her is touching all the kids now: Nathan’s hand with her own, Becca’s back with her elbow, Mollie’s side with her foot. She’s also managed to get out from under the blanket, no easy feat when one is as pregnant as she is and surrounded by sleeping kiddos. Scott’s just about to lean down to give Mollie a kiss when Tessa sleepily murmurs, “I thought I heard you.” She hasn’t even opened her eyes. He wonders what gave him away. His smell? His walk? Or was it just him, his presence, that lit something inside her and let her know, instinctively, that he was there.

“Having a slumber party?” he asks after giving Mollie a kiss and rounding the bed to do the same with Becca.

“Mhm,” Tessa hums. “We got carried away reading tonight.” The stack of books on the bedside table next to Becca is huge. There’s another stack on Tessa’s side too. “Your bed was too small for all of us.”

He tosses his pillow down on the side of the bed Nathan’s sleeping on, figuring that it’ll hurt less to get stepped on by him than by Becca. Though he is in the way of Tessa’s bathroom…

“Are you climbing in?”

“No room,” he answers after pressing a kiss to Nathan’s head. The little boy’s glasses are sitting on the pillow above his head and Scott moves them out of harm’s way. “I’ll take the floor.”

Tessa sighs into his kiss. “Tell Marner to get down.” 

“It’s hard enough for you to get in and out of bed without me in the way too.” Another kiss when her hand slides along his neck. “Don’t worry, I’ll be in here.”

She nods. “How was work?” Her words slur together and Scott just smiles and tells her they’ll talk in the morning. 

He positions himself out of the direct line to the bathroom, finds himself settling next to Jonathan’s chair. He might not be able to see his family once he lays down but he knows Jonathan can, feels deep in his bones that Tessa’s husband would look after his girls too. Folding an arm under his head as he settles against the floor, he wonders if Jonathan and Sarah have found each other wherever they are. Surely they must have. He imagines Sarah side eyeing Jonathan, wondering herself who the hell that guy was looking in on the girls, and he finds himself laughing quietly at the look he thinks Sarah would give, one he’d been on the receiving end of quite a few times.

He hopes they get on nicely. He hopes Sarah is happy as she can be.

He falls asleep to the sound of his family snoring a few feet away, his mind on Sarah and Jonathan.

  
  


Scott’s not surprised to find the bedroom empty when he wakes up. There’s some music coming from downstairs and, a quick glance to the clock reveals that Tessa’s managed to keep the kids entertained enough that he’s somehow slept in until 9. He debates grabbing a shower, his shoulders and back feeling more than a little stiff, but decides against it, wanting to see his family first. He makes up the bed then deposits his own pillow and blanket back in his room, taking no care and simply throwing them onto his bed on his way down the stairs.

Becca is… stretching, he thinks, beside Tessa. It’s not an uncommon sight to see one or more of the kids joining Tessa in her prenatal yoga, but Becca is usually the one to follow the steps to a T. “That looks great, Becca,” Tessa praises once she rises from her current stretch. “I told you you’d get the hang of it.” His daughter beams from the squat position she’s in. Her toes wiggle against the carpet. Nathan has his back to the window by Becca, his head in a book, his little finger tracing over the words as if he’s reading and doesn’t simply have the story memorized. Mollie sits on the couch with Marner, baby doll in her arms and watching her sister and Tessa.

She’s the one to notice him first. “Daddy! You missed it!” Becca and Tessa move on to their next poses but send smiles in his direction. Nathan doesn’t take his eyes off of his book. “Mama farted and tried to blame it on Marner!”

Tessa’s face flushes. As her pregnancy has progressed, there’s been an increase in quite a lot of fun things, the most obvious to everyone being Tessa’s increased gassiness. She’d been mildly mortified the first time it happened but he was just glad to get it out of the way. Besides, it was a fact of life. His only complaint was when they needed to clear the bedroom after a particularly potent fart, and even then he’d been proud along with his choking need for fresh air. “Mollie, that’s not polite to bring up,” Becca chastises, head poking out from between her legs.

Mollie sticks out her tongue. “It’s just Daddy, Bec-ca.” She shoves Marner over and pats the space next to her. “Nathan is cross because he fell over doing one of the moves,” she tries to whisper. Nathan looks up from his book anyway, eyebrows furrowed in Mollie's direction.

Scott scoops her into his lap. “It’s gonna be a long Sunday for you if you keep this up.” He can tell she doesn’t really know what he means but she doesn’t bother asking for clarification, just goes back to bouncing the baby doll in her lap. It’s not very often he sees her playing with her dolls (outside of Barbies of course). “I’m surprised Bruce isn’t joining us.”

“Mama thought we should practice getting ready for the baby.”

Ah, he’d forgotten that they were going to work on manners for Eva this week. “Mollie was nice enough to go get her doll while we finish up our yoga,” Tessa says, breathless just from climbing back to her feet. “I left some oatmeal for you in the microwave.”

A bowl of breakfast later (combined with some cuddle time from Nathan) and he’s kneeling on the floor in front of the kids, showing them how they should hold the baby. It’s a little hard to do it with something so light but he knows that they were right in declining Amanda’s offer of using a reborn doll. One look at that thing was enough nightmare fuel for him and Tessa. He can’t imagine how creeped out the kids would’ve been.

Becca is looking on with great attention (he half expects her to grab a notebook to take notes with) even though she has the most experience out of all the kids. Nathan looks a little bored, pressed into Tessa’s side, but his eyes still stay on Scott. Mollie just looks confused, even though she’s also held babies before. “How are we supposed to play with her if we need both arms to hold her?”

“She’s not gonna be big enough to play with for a little while, Mol,” he explains. “She’s mostly going to eat and sleep.”

“So all we get to do is hold her?” Mollie doesn’t seem to think this is a good deal.

“You can talk to her and sing to her and show her things,” Tessa tries. Becca nods, happy smile on her face.

Mollie frowns. “That’s nice, I guess.”

Scott clears his throat. “We just have to remember to be very careful with the baby. She needs us to do almost everything for her. So we have to be gentle and quiet. Loud noises can scare her.” His gaze travels to Nathan. He’s playing with a thread on Tessa’s tank top and looking up at Tessa every so often, like he needs the reassurance of seeing her instead of just feeling her. Scott takes a breath. “And the baby is going to need a lot of our time,” he explains, as gentle as he can. “We might not be able to play as much.”

Nathan’s frown deepens. “Mama, now you don’t play a lot.”

Tessa looks gutted, her fingers stilling in Nathan’s curls for a quick moment as she gathers herself. Scott palms her knee and catches Nathan’s eye. “It’s hard for Mama to play now, bud. She needs your help getting in and out of bed, doesn’t she?” Nathan nods. “I promise you,” Scott looks at the girls too, “ _ all  _ of you, that we’re going to still play and have fun once the baby comes. We just need you to let us find our footing first.”

Leaning forward, Becca smiles at her siblings. “It’s not so bad. And we have each other to play with.” 

Nathan lets out a rather harried sigh for a three year old but nods. “Okay,” he says. “And Marner too?”

“Yes, Marner will be here to play with too,” Scott nods. “ _ And _ your grandparents and aunts and uncles are going to be over too, so they can hold the baby and we can play.”

“What if we want to play with them?” Mollie asks. “We see you all the time.”

Tessa snorts. “You can play with whoever you’d like.”

“Except the baby,” Scott adds. “When the baby is asleep we gotta let her sleep.”

Soon enough, it’s clear their little ones have tired of this conversation, their attention trailing, so they’re free to go play how they’d like. Mollie takes off to her room and Becca follows upstairs after a soft, “I’ll help them be good big brothers and sisters.” Nathan stays glued to Tessa’s side, though he stands up so he can tuck his head into his mother’s neck.

Scott doesn’t want to impose and he feels almost like he’s watching a moment he shouldn’t. But when he stands, Nathan reaches out for him at the same moment Tessa says his name, so he settles down on the couch and wraps his arms around these two loves of his. They don’t have much time left to get Nathan ready (not that he’ll be  _ ready _ when Eva comes, he’s not sure any kid ever is) but together, this new family of theirs, they’ll do their best. 

Even if it’s something as simple as cuddling their boy.

—

Tessa is curled up (or the nearest approximation to curled up she can get) on the sofa, thinking she might get a chance to doze off, when Mollie and Nathan appear in front of her. Mollie is hopping from one foot to another and Nathan is grinning. 

“You need to come upstairs, Mama. We did something wrong!” Mollie is trying to put a guilty expression on, but she's just not selling it. 

Nathan is nodding exaggeratedly in agreement, but his smile is still just as wide. “Becca’s hair is blue!” He throws his hands out wide and Tessa does her best not to laugh. Her sensible girl would never agree to that. 

She tries to push herself back up and is grateful for the two small sets of helping hands. “Well, I’d better go check on this blue hair, huh?” 

Mollie and Nathan keep tight holds on her hands as they make their way up the stairs together, Mollie in front and Nathan at her side. “You don’t seem very angry about what we did to Becca’s hair,” Mollie says, the suspicion clear. 

“I’m just trying to be calm, it’s better for the baby that way.” Mollie appears to accept this answer, or maybe decides that it’s not worth arguing over seeing that as soon as they reach the landing it’s obvious that there is not a hint of blue in Becca’s hair. 

Tessa looks down at Mollie and then Nathan. “Did Becca get the blue out of her hair already?”

Becca sighs. “I told you not to say that. I could have got in trouble!”

“Don’t worry, honey.” Tessa mouths the next sentence, “I knew you wouldn’t do that.” 

She’s gifted with a sweet smile and then Becca claps her hands. “It’s time for the blindfold now.” 

Just as Tessa asks, “Blindfold?!” Scott comes walking out of the nursery, pulling out what looks like a black scarf from the back pocket of his jeans. Tessa decides against even whispering a joke about how this will be their first time doing this seeing as all the kids seem to have their eyes and ears peeled. 

“You okay with this?” he whispers and she smiles at him checking in like that. She nods once and he starts to secure the scarf, tying it loosely around her head. Scott puts his hand on her back and Mollie and Nathan lead her into the nursery. She figured that Scott must have finished up cleaning the changing table and sets of drawers he had made for the older girls as well as assembling the crib Nathan had used. It's sweet of them to surprise her like this. 

Tessa gasps when Scott unties the blindfold. It’s a different surprise than the one she’d been expecting. The crib before her is a new one, clearly Scott’s work, and it is absolutely beautiful. She steps closer, whole body shaking, so that she can get a better look. It’s a gorgeous, glossy maple wood with a tree painstakingly carved at its head. There are delicate flowers along the rails and slightly less detailed, but no less lovely, flowers and animals at the other end. She lets go of Mollie and Nathan’s grip so that she can touch it, can feel the effort and love that has gone into this. 

“We helped, Mama!” Mollie insists, pointing out the sunflower that she helped create. 

“Look at my cow!” Nathan places his two hands around his favourite animal, puffing out his chest. “I was really careful!”

Before she can start praising their work Becca wants to show off her contribution too. “I tried to make a peony because it’s your favourite and maybe they’ll be the baby’s favourite too!”

All the words that Tessa wants to say just won’t come out. It’s overwhelming - this beautiful piece of art and care, and the beautiful people who made it. Her sobs are loud and messy, big fat tears falling down her face and onto the old t-shirt of Scott’s that she’s stolen. She leans back against him and the kids all crowd around her, Nathan and Mollie hugging one leg each while Becca puts her arms around the baby bump. 

“Happy tears, Mama?” 

There’s a tremble to Nathan’s voice and Tessa tries to keep hers as calm as possible when she answers him. “Very happy tears, baby. I can’t believe you and Mollie and Becca and Scott made this for your little sister. It’s so beautiful.” 

“Daddy has been working on it  _ forever _ ,” Mollie says. “Us too really. We’ve worked very hard.”

“I can see that.” Tessa ruffles her hair, then Nathan’s, then Becca’s, and then leans her head so that she can kiss Scott. “I’m so proud of all of you.” 

“We have our changing things and storage from when Mollie and I were little, and then the rocking chair from Nathan’s nursery, and now the new crib!” Becca explains, pointing out each piece of furniture.

Their baby has guided all these pieces here, into their new home where they fit together perfectly, just like she’s guided them. Now Tessa thinks that she and Scott and their kids would have ended up living together eventually anyway, she can’t or doesn’t want to think of things unfolding any other way, but there’s no denying that Eva has hurried them along. She’s been making her parents dance to her beat from the very beginning.

When the kids are in bed that night, and Scott is cleaning up the bathroom after Marner found his way into the tub again, Tessa returns to the nursery. She settles down into the rocking chair she’d spent so much time sitting on with Nathan and surveys the room. Everything looks so neat and bright and tidy, ready for Eva whenever she feels like making her appearance. It will be a few months before their baby girl is sleeping here at night, but it feels good to have it prepared. She’d delayed fully decorating the nursery until after Nathan had arrived, always a little scared that something was going to go wrong and they’d be going home to a room waiting for a baby who never came. 

They had spent a lot of time in Nathan's nursery, her and Jonathan. Her husband would sit beside her as she fed their son or sometimes they would just watch him sleep. She remembers scolding Jonathan a few times because he brought his laptop in to do work on, though he usually kept his attention mainly on them. As Nathan got older they played with him more and more of course, but some of Tessa's favourite memories are those early days when it was her and Jonathan marvelling at the tiny baby they had waited so long for and worked so hard to have. She thinks the wonder will be a little different with Eva, but no less great. This baby is another type of ordinary miracle. 

Tessa is rubbing her stomach when Scott comes in, wet patches still on his t-shirt and sweats after the battle with Marner. “I’m going to get changed in a minute,” he promises before kissing her on the cheek. She cups his face with her hands, changing the angle so that she can kiss him properly.

“Thank you,” she whispers, a little out of breath. 

Scott plops down on the ground beside her, laying his head against her legs. They’re both facing the crib. “You like it?”

“I  _ love _ it. I don’t know how you managed to make it in time, and with the kids helping. You must  have started ages ago.” Scott has been so busy between work and taking care of the kids and her.

“I wanted this room ready for her before she got here.” He shrugs, likes it’s really not that big a deal. “It had to be done, so I got it done.”

It sounds so exactly like something Jonathan would say, more so than anything she thinks she’s ever heard from Scott. It’s a little unnerving, but more humbling than anything else. She doesn’t know how she got to be so blessed as to be loved by two such good men. “Just one more week,” she says, rubbing her hands over her bump as she feels Eva stretching. 

“She could come even sooner,” Scott rolls his head to the side, “or take a little longer.”

“She’s going to be prompt just like her brother,” Tessa says in the tone that no one ever argues with. 

Scott’s back is shaking against her leg and she knows that he’s laughing at her, so she moves her leg forward just enough to give him a bit of a jolt. “You’re right! I believe you!” he claims, though he’s laughing even harder now. 

“You’ll have to admit it for real in a week when we’re holding her.” A shiver rises in Tessa at the thought of them finally meeting their baby properly.

Scott turns around and kneels, laying his hands over Tessa’s and interlacing their fingers, before leaning his head down to her bump. “Are you going to come on your due date and make your mama happy, Eva?” He kisses her stomach and she smiles down at his bent head. “Or are you going to wait a little longer?”

“Please not longer.” If she’s not going to arrive on time Tessa would much prefer her daughter come before her due date. “I don’t think I can get any bigger.”

“You’ll be ready for whenever she comes. You’ve got this.” There’s no teasing in Scott’s voice now, just complete surety. He stands up and kisses her gently on the lips. “Have I told you lately that I can’t wait to do this with you?” 

Tessa returns his kiss. “I like hearing it.” She takes hold of his hands, “Help me up?” He’s so careful with her as he does so and she nuzzles into him in thanks when she’s on her feet again.

“Time for bed?” he suggests and she nods. All she wants to do is sleep. 

She leans into him as they walk out of the nursery, pausing to run her fingers over the rails of the crib. It’s so amazing that her family came together to make this for their newest member. “Thank you,” she tells him again.

“This is one of my favourite things I’ve ever made,” Scott says. Tessa is fairly sure his other favourite pieces were made for loved ones too, it’s the type of person he is, always giving and wanting to make people happy. 

“It’s one of my favourite things I’ve ever been given.” Maybe her engagement ring is the only thing that comes close. She massages it with her fingers, it’s pinching more and more now. 

As they walk to Scott’s room he tells her all about how excited the kids were to help and she thinks, yet again, how lucky she is to have love like this.

—

The due date looms and it seems as though everyone in the house is on edge with each passing day. Becca is extra helpful with the little ones who seem to sense that the arrival of their baby sister is closer and Marner absolutely refuses to leave Tessa’s side now, going so far as crying outside the bathroom door anytime she disappears to relieve herself. A common occurrence in the house is to hear, at least four times an hour, “Marner, move,” in Tessa’s increasingly exasperated voice.

Every morning starts with Scott waking up to Tessa talking quietly to Eva next to him. “My love, I know you’ll be prompt, but I think it’s time you drop down,” is what he hears the day after Tessa’s doctor’s appointment. “Darling, you’ll have more room if you would just get ready to come out,” is sighed after Tessa tossed and turned all night, effectively keeping Scott up himself. The day before Tessa’s due date brings a much less patient, “it’s time now. Out, Eva,” to no avail.

“Mama is cross,” Nathan attempts to whisper when Tessa declares that she’s going to try and nap the day after Eva’s due date.

Mollie nods in agreement. “She just doesn’t feel very comfortable right now,” Scott explains. “Your sister was supposed to be here yesterday.” 

Nathan’s brow furrows. “She’s not listening?”

“Babies don’t listen,” Becca says, almost absentmindedly as she turns the page of her book.

Nathan shakes his head. “Not nice.”

That evening, Tessa demands Mexican food for dinner. Scott dutifully goes and gets her request, which frankly gives him heartburn just smelling. But it seems that Tessa is not going to simply wait for Eva to make her appearance anymore. Instead, she’s going to light a metaphorical fire under their baby. Tessa’s nachos are piled high with peppers and salsa and she looks  _ so _ pleased with herself as she eats each one, like she’s absolutely convinced that this will do it.

Scott, on the other hand, is not surprised when midnight rolls around and Tessa is practically crying at how bad her heartburn is. She’s eaten nearly a whole roll of antacids which have helped but not nearly as much as is needed. “Why won’t she come out?” Tessa cries. One hand is on her chest, rubbing at her sternum, the other on her belly, looking as though she’s trying to push Eva out.

“It’s only been a day,” Scott says. It’s meant to be comforting, reassuring. 

Tessa glares and looks every bit like she did when they first met. “Nathan was already here by now.”

Sarah hadn’t been this prickly quite so soon when she was overdue. Then again, Scott doesn’t think Sarah ever got as big as Tessa is now.

Day two past Tessa’s due date leads to another tiff between them. Scott can admit that maybe this one is more on him than Tessa’s nonexistent patience now. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” is a sentence that actually leaves his mouth when Tessa is getting dressed to pick the kids up from school. He winces even when he hears it, but he does stand by what he said, though he could have phrased it better.

Tessa puts her hands on her hips once she’s managed to get her leggings over her stomach. “My midwife said that exercise is a good way to induce labor.”

“Suze said  _ walking _ was good. Not a dance class.”

Scott can’t shake the image of Tessa being at the class and Eva somehow just… slipping out. He recognizes it is a completely ridiculous fear but it’s there, followed closely by the thought that Tessa and subsequently Eva won’t get enough oxygen and that something horrible will happen.

“The internet says-”

Scott throws his hands up. “Then it must be true!”

Tessa’s brow furrows as her eyes narrow. “If you’re so worried, you’re welcome to come along, but I am  _ going  _ to the studio with Becca.”

He does go with and, of course, everything turns out fine. He goes between watching Becca practice and watching Tessa dance around an empty studio. She moves slow, but beautiful, and even though she’s beet red and sweaty and breathless by the time she’s done, he thinks she looks gorgeous. He feels like a dick too. Which is why he dips into the studio as she’s putting her shoes back on to kiss her and tell her he’s sorry. “You know your body,” he says. “I just got worried.”

Tessa, mercifully, kisses him back. “I know I haven’t been the greatest to get along with lately.”

“You’ve got a two day old inside of you,” he jokes. “You’re allowed to be cranky.”

The next day he finds Tessa in the shower after he drops the kids off at school and Nathan with Kate. He’s just popped in to make sure she’s okay, and to grab any dirty towels she has for a load of laundry, but finds himself completely distracted at the sight of her. “Uh,” he starts, unable to take his eyes off of Tessa’s fingers that twist and pull at her nipples. “What is happening?”

“Tanith said I should try stimulating my nipples,” Tessa says, as casually as if she’s telling him the weather. 

He has no idea how that is supposed to induce labor but, to be honest, it makes more sense to him than eating spicy food. “Can I help?”

Tessa pushes open the shower door and Scott promptly drops the laundry in his arms to strip himself.

It doesn’t work any more than the peppers or dancing did, but Scott thinks it was a lot more fun for both of them.

His mom suggests castor oil on the fourth day. “It’s what got you out, Scotty,” she says while pouring herself a cup of coffee that Tessa is staring longingly at. “I can drop some off after I take the girls to school.” 

Nathan perks up at the table. “I go with?”

“Oh, Alma, no, that’s alright. I’ve got a massage scheduled for today.” He looks at Tessa only she won’t meet his eyes. Had she told him about this massage and he forgot about it?

“No go with?” Nathan frowns. 

“Nonsense,” his mom insists. “I’ll bring some by. Who knows, you could try it tomorrow.” His mom does end up taking Nathan with her when she takes the girls, more so because Nathan starts to throw a fit about not being allowed to and Scott doesn’t want Tessa to have any sort of extra stress on her.

The minute they’re all gone, Tessa shakes her head. “I’m  _ not _ drinking that,” she confesses. “We’ll tell her I tried, but no.”

Scott’s pretty sure his mom had the same suggestion with Sarah and, try as he might, he can’t remember if she actually took her up on it. “Why not?” he asks curiously, already taking his phone out to do a quick search. 

He reads the answer at the same time Tessa says it out loud. “It’s a laxative.” Scott experiences a full body shudder as Tessa continues. “We’ve been through some messy things already, and I know there’s a very real chance of me…” Tessa’s face scrunches and she looks down at her nails. “Of me shitting myself during labor, but I would prefer to keep the mystery alive for as long as I can.”

There have already been moments between them over the course of them living together where upset stomachs were a thing. It’d be ridiculous to think that they could cohabitat and hide, perfectly natural but gross, bodily functions. So while they both realize that yes, everyone poops, he has to agree with Tessa. He knows that if she were to cry on the toilet, he’d go in there no matter what to comfort her, somehow, but he also thinks that if the roles were reversed, he’d be mortified.

He nods. “No castor oil.”

Scott does drive Tessa to her massage appointment later (which she, admittedly, made only after telling his mom she had one) and he and Nathan spend some time at the park together while Tessa tries to kickstart her labor. They’ve been reminding the kids a dozen times a day of the plan for what happens when Tessa does go into labor, so much so that Becca has started snarking back that, “I know, Daddy, can I please just finish my book?” 

Nathan is younger though and so as Scott is pushing him on the swing, he asks, “Bud, do you remember what Mama and I said about the baby?”

“You said lots.”

“That’s right,” Scott admits. “But remember how Auntie Jo is going to stay with you and your sisters?”

Nathan nods. “Auntie Jo, Becca, Mollie, Marner, Mama, Scott.” He leans back as far as the bucket seat will let him and yells, “Sleepover!”

Scott grabs the chains of the swing to slow Nathan down and get the boy to look at him. “Me and Mama are going to be at the hospital,” he corrects. “The doctors have to get the baby out. So we are going to spend the night at the hospital.”

“Nana too?”

Scott isn’t too sure what Nathan means. “Do you want your nana with you or Mama?”

He taps his chest. “Nana with me.”

He’s not too sure what Kate’s plans were but Scott doubts she’ll mind staying with the kids too… Maybe he should make sure Jordan doesn’t mind. “How about we talk to Mama and your nana about it later?”

“Good good,” Nathan chirps, kicking his legs. “Swing now?”

The massage relaxes Tessa and it’s obvious that night that her belly has dropped, Eva in position now, but labor is still just out of reach.

On the fifth day, he wakes up to Tessa’s hand toying with the waist of his sweats. “Scott,” she says, low and throaty in between kisses to his shoulders. 

He rubs a fist over his eyes. “We’re trying the sex method now?” He has to stifle a yawn.

“Do you mind?” 

It’s one am and he’s exhausted but it’s Tessa and she’s past due with their baby and how is he ever supposed to turn her down when she asks so earnestly? “How should we try?”

He thinks that having her on top of him might be best but Tessa wrinkles her nose at the idea, no doubt because she’s really self conscious about how large she is at this point. So after he gets her off once with his hand, Tessa pushes up onto her hands and knees. She hasn’t been able to take him fully for a while now and that hasn’t been a worry when they’ve fucked laying down with him behind her, but it is a real concern in this position. He has his hands on her hips and his eyes on her shoulders as he slowly, slowly, pushes inside her, wanting to watch, to feel every reaction that he can since he can’t see her face. 

Her shoulder blades start to pinch and her hips tense beneath his hands but she rasps out, “Keep going,” so he does, dips inside her a little more. It feels strange, if he’s being honest. It’s possible it’s all in his head and that Tessa feels exactly the same as she always has, but he can’t help but think she feels tighter while also feeling as though he bottoms out sooner. He pulls back then rocks forward, still not burying himself in her, only to find that he physically can’t go any deeper without hitting what he can only think is her cervix.

Except his mind doesn’t think cervix, it thinks Eva’s head and while Scott knows, logically, that he is not actually poking his daughter in the head with his dick, that is exactly what he’s imagining.

“I can’t,” they say at the same time.

Scott pulls out and Tessa rolls over, looking near tears. “I’m sorry but that was the worst.”

He can’t help but laugh. “It’s okay. It was… weird.” Tessa’s eyes go wide (insulted as if she didn’t just say that him being inside her was the worst) and Scott quickly adds, “You were great! Still a fantastic cunt! I just… kept thinking I could feel her and couldn’t get out of my head.”

Tessa whines. “This isn’t how I wanted out last round of sex to go.”

He wraps an arm around her, forming his body to hers since he knows it’s hard enough to for her to find a comfortable position without him trying to get her to cuddle him. “It’s only six weeks.” They’ve gone longer.

“Still! This can’t be what we remember.” She pushes herself up, no easy feat anymore. “I’m going to blow you.”

“Tess, no, it’s okay,” he says, catching her hand on its way to his dick. “I got you off earlier and it was a great.” He’s not just saying it either. She had been so red, so wet, and even though she hates how big she’s gotten, he loves seeing her so full with their baby. “Let’s just go back to sleep.”

It looks like she might start crying again. “Do you not want me to? Is that what it is?”

He shakes his head. “Babe, if you wanted to be on my dick for twenty-four hours straight, I’d let you. But only if you  _ want _ to, not because you feel like you should.”

Tessa squares her shoulders, turns her hand in his before looking him straight in the eye and saying, “Scott, I want your cock in my mouth.”

He twitches and the corner of her lips quirk because of course she’s noticed.

He’s already falling asleep when Tessa gets up to brush her teeth.

—

When Tessa wakes up a few hours later with more pelvic pressure than usual she really doesn’t think much of it. She figures Eva is just leaning really hard against her bladder and doesn’t begin to hope it might be a sign that she’s going into labour, she’s almost resigned herself to being pregnant forever now (she thinks she’s allowed to be a little overdramatic). But when she finally manages to get up and into the bathroom she’s greeted with a bloody show. It makes her think of Jonathan and how he’d freaked out when this had happened last time even though he knew it was perfectly normal seeing as he’d been researching labour obsessively for the last months of her pregnancy. He’d done that secretly, knowing that she’d wanted to be prepared but not know every little detail. There had been so many anxieties already about something going wrong. 

She rubs her stomach and wonders when it will start to tense with her first contraction. “You’re ready to get going now, eh? You’ve been taking your time, baby girl.” The need to have her daughter in her arms overwhelms her then, like it’s clawing at and under her skin. 

After carefully washing her hands she waddles back into the bedroom. She’s about to wake up Scott when she thinks better of it. It’s going to be a long, long day, or few days, and he should get his sleep while he can. He looks so peaceful now, his head half-tucked under the pillow she’s vacated, and he’s been so patient with her impatience, he deserves this rest. She knows that she should sleep too, but she’s too energised for that now. 

Scones are her baked good of choice as the sun begins to rise. It’s a simple and familiar recipe, something that the kids will enjoy for breakfast with some of Marian’s homemade jams. Tessa’s favourite is the raspberry, while Scott and Mollie prefer the strawberry and Becca the blackcurrant. Nathan likes all three at once. 

The soft, sticky mixture gets all over her fingers and when she’s washing it off once the scones are in the oven she swears most of it ends up in the crevices her rings have left. She still feels so bare without them, but it’s much more comfortable. Tanith had been convinced when she was helping her take them off that they’d been cutting off her circulation, and she may have had a point. Tessa’s eyes start filling up at the memory of that and she has to reach for the rings that now hang underneath her shirt. She’d known she wouldn’t be able, physically never mind emotionally, to get them off on her own. It had felt inescapably wrong to ask for Scott’s help, even though she knew he would have been so sensitive about it. Tanith had been there more than anyone for Tessa’s relationship with Jonathan, from the very beginning and for all the highs and lows, and she had come over straight away when Tessa called. She’d prepared the hot water and soap, massaging Tessa’s fingers before trying to take them off. And then she’d held her afterwards while she cried, just like she had so many times after the accident.

Tessa’s still not quite sure what she’s going to do once the swelling goes down. 

She keeps moving around the kitchen while the scones bake, music on low so as not to wake anyone else up. She’s not so much dancing as swaying, but it feels good to keep active, especially when she feels a contraction. It’s more pressure than pain, a preparation for what is to come. She’s presuming it will be a good stretch yet before they start to increase, but the end of this pregnancy hasn’t exactly panned out like she had planned. 

The scones are just going on the cooling rack when Scott walks in, bleary eyed and worried. “I got scared when I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“I’ve got good news.” She pats her belly and Scott’s face breaks into a smile. Even with that though she gets anxious that he’ll be hurt she didn’t wake him. “I wanted you to get some rest in. It’s going to be a long day.” She thinks she’d wanted some time alone too. Scott, with his first aid experience and having seen Sarah go through labour twice, would probably have been fine, but Jonathan, God love him, had  _ hovered _ so much when she first went into labour. She’d had  to bite her tongue to stop herself from telling him to give her some space and let her and her body get started on the journey. 

His smile doesn’t waver. “And you don’t need some rest considering you’re the one who’s going to be doing all the work?” She sinks into him when he comes closer and puts his arms around her.

“Maybe after we send the kids off. I’m not tired now.”

He starts rubbing her back. “Are you good with me hanging out with you or do you want some time alone?”

She wonders if he can feel her smiling against his neck. “Stay. You can help me with the muffins.”

It’s easier with Scott there to take the tray in and out of the oven, especially when the contractions start getting a little more persistent,. There’s no real pattern to them yet, but they’re definitely more intense. She leaves it to him to go upstairs and get the kids out of bed while she sets the table. 

The younger ones are just excited about the scones and muffins, but she thinks that Becca might be keeping an extra close eye on her. They’d decided not to tell them, not wanting it be all the girls would think about when they should be focusing on having fun with their friends at practice. Tessa doesn’t really feel like eating anything but the jam makes it a little more bearable, and she knows she needs her energy. 

She finishes making the lunches for the girls to take while Scott gets Nathan dressed so that he’s ready to go when Marian comes to take him to church. The girls are sent off with extra cuddles when Alma arrives to take them to ballet and hockey. Scott makes up the guest bed downstairs for Tessa with some old sheets while she makes the most of the little bit of alone time she gets with her boy before his grammy arrives. 

“Will the baby come soon, Mama?” Nathan sighs as he tries to get comfortable beside her on the couch.

Tessa kisses his curls and breathes through her latest contraction. “I think she will, honey. She’s really excited to meet her big brother and her big sisters.”

Nathan rubs her stomach in a haphazard little circle. “I think you should come out,” he says, frown directed towards his baby sister. “I want to hug Mama right.” 

“Oh, you’ll be able to soon, I promise.” She holds him to her as close as she can, glad she gets to appreciate this last time of him being her youngest baby. 

When the doorbell rings she leaves it to Scott to answer, he’s chatted with Marian a few times now and she knows her mother-in-law won’t mind. It doesn’t come as a surprise to Tessa that Marian seems to instantly figure out what’s going on when she sees her. 

After lifting Nathan up when he runs over to her she sits down beside Tessa, putting an arm around her shoulder. “Are you doing okay, darling?” 

Tessa nods, smiling as best she can. “Still a good way to go.”

Marian opens her mouth as if to say something and then closes it again. Tessa can see that she’s trying to smile, but her eyes are sad, or maybe conflicted. She reaches over and squeezes her hand tightly which seems to stir something in Marian. “You’ve done it all before.” She lays her forehead on Tessa’s, a quake in her voice. “You know how wonderful it will be when they put her in your arms.” 

Tessa does know, can remember the incredible moment when she first held Nathan, and now that time with Eva is finally within touching distance. She’s not sure if it’s her or Marian who starts crying first, but she’s happy they get to share this part of the experience together, as fraught as it’s been for them at times. 

“It’s time to go, Grammy,” Nathan prompts. “Choir time!”

Marian laughs, wiping her tears away with her sleeve. “You’re right, sweetie! And Grandpa Frank is going to be wondering what’s taking us so long.” She frowns. “Do you want him to s-l-e-e-p at ours tonight?”

“Thank you but Jordan is going to stay over, we thought it might be…”

“Of course, the least change the better.” She pushes Tessa’s hair back off her forehead, taking a shallow breath. “Well, next time I see you I’ll get to meet this little girl too.” It’s not something Tessa has let herself think about, Marian meeting Eva. It feels like a lot, the idea rattling at the top of the box she’s placed it in. “I’m looking forward to it, Tess.”

“Yeah?” Her voice is unsure.

“I am. She’s your daughter and she’s Nathan’s sister, she’s a special little lady.” Tessa doesn’t have it in her now to think about who this baby isn’t to Marian, about who another girl in another life would have been. It’s this life and this baby and as much as her heart has been torn she wouldn’t change this child for the world. 

“Thank you.” She gets one more hug from Marian and a slobbery kiss from Nathan before they go.

When she waddles into the hall she sees that Scott has her bag ready to go by the door. He’s waiting for her in the spare bedroom and doesn’t mind at all that she just wants to sleep now while she can. It’s comforting to know he’s there beside her as she slips in and out, the contractions lasting longer and coming faster on top of one another. It’s a simple conversation when they decide to head for the hospital and she’s thankful for how calm and steady he is,  for how very natural it feels.

They both lose a bit of their calm when they reach the front door, her bag over his shoulder and his hand tight in hers. “Next time we’re home she’ll be with us,” Tessa says, the wonder of this overtaking the anticipation for her next contraction. 

Scott leans his head down to kiss her and she lets it linger for longer than either of them expect, his next words coming out a little breathless. “All of us at home together at last.” 

It’s what she’s wanted for so long and now it’s finally almost here. Their baby is coming. 

—

He’s pressing against Tessa’s lower back as she grunts and breathes through a contraction on the birthing ball when his phone starts ringing. It goes to voicemail but then goes off again, just as Tessa pushes herself up, complaining that sitting is starting to feel like too much. “Your sister is calling,” he says. The kids are probably all home now. 

Tessa nods but stays standing in the middle of the room, swaying in place as she waves a hand towards the towel he’s been using to mop up some of her sweat. “Let me just freshen up a little,” she exhales. “I don’t want to scare Mollie. Or Nathan.” He hands her the phone instead, then goes about gently wiping her sweaty face, pushing the hair that’s fallen from her bun back. After a moment, she picks up the FaceTime call, their kids’ smiling faces staring back at them. “Hello, my loves.”

Scott puts his face over Tessa’s shoulder so the kids can get a good look at him too. There’s the added bonus of the two of them filling the screen so Mollie doesn’t see much of the clinic room. “Hey, kiddos. Have good practices?” After a chorus of yeses, Scott continues. “So, your sister is coming today! That’s why Auntie Jo’s home with you.”

Nathan and Mollie fight to put their face first. “Is the baby out?”

“Not yet,” Tessa answers, as bright and sunny as she can. Scott notices just how tight her hand is holding the phone, catches the way her face starts to twist in a mixture of pain and determination.

He takes the phone with one hand and, when Tessa doesn’t seem keen on moving to lean against the bed again, puts his other arm out for her to steady herself with. Making sure Tessa is out of frame for her contraction, Scott reminds the kids, “We won’t be home tonight, but maybe if your sister comes early enough, you guys can meet her before bed.” Tessa’s fingers dig into the muscle of his forearm and his hand twitches in pain. 

The phone moves, he’s not sure if Jordan or Becca was the one to grab it, but then he sees everyone again. “Can I hold her first?” Becca asks. “I have the most experience.” As if he doesn’t already know that.

“What about me?” Jordan teases.

Becca seems to consider this with a slight blush but still decides, “I think her biggest sister should hold her first. You can hold Tessa.”

Jordan wraps an arm around Becca’s shoulders. “Deal.” Turning back to the camera, Jordan says, “I’m keeping all the moms updated. Seems like you’re getting close?”

Tessa finally lets up on his arm, her shoulders sinking down as she lifts her head back up. “Real close,” she pants. Scott gives her another minute before showing her the phone screen. “Will you text Tanith too?” After Jordan confirms that she will, Tessa relaxes the best she can. “Be good for Auntie Jo, please. I love you.”

Mollie and Nathan yell, “Love you, Mama,” while Becca sincerely says, “Love you, Tessa, love you Daddy.” Jordan sends her love too before the call ends.

His focus is back solely on Tessa and their baby. Scott drags the stool both he and Tessa have been using over so she can rest her hands on his shoulders. “How was that last one?” He can’t do much with her facing him like this but he holds onto her hips and kisses the wrinkle between her eyebrows.

“I need Suzanne.” She takes a deep breath and then nods as she exhales through her nose. “I want to push.”

He blinks and cocks his head to the side to catch Tessa’s eye. “Really?” She's been so quiet… even though when Suzanne last checked her she’d been at a seven, Scott was sure they’d have a ways to go. Or, at the very least, Tessa would’ve got louder the closer she got to pushing.

Tessa nods and stands back up with a big breath. “There’s so much pressure,” she moans. He watches closely as she starts walking around a little again (heading for the ice chips, he notices) but then her breathing quickens, and she starts to lower into a crouch. Stealing a glance at his watch, Scott surmises that her contractions are definitely close enough to warrant pushing. He’s quick to get behind her, grabbing her under her arms just in case her legs give out. He’ll hold her through this one and then call for the nurse once she’s done.

As if she knew it was time, Suzanne walks in with a big smile, her hand slipping into a glove. “Oh, are we starting the show without me?” 

Scott does his best to smile at the midwife but he’s too focused on Tessa, who groans through another contraction. “She said she feels like pushing.”

Suzanne kneels down in front of Tessa and patiently waits for the contraction to end before checking Tessa’s cervix. It’s alarming to see Suzanne’s eyes go wide but the midwife seems almost chipper when she says, “You're right, Tess. Your body knows what to do. Just listen to it. Do you want to get onto the bed?”

Tessa doesn’t really answer but Scott knows, thanks to the birth plan Tessa has typed up and laminated, that she wants to try squatting. It had helped with Nathan, even though that wasn’t how she ended up giving birth to him. The bed has the squatting bar and it’d probably make more sense to go up there so their daughter doesn’t come out inches from the ground, but he doesn’t want to exhaust Tessa anymore than she already is. “We’re gonna stay here,” Scott says, firm. Suzanne nods, hearing him loud and clear, and pushes the stool over for him to sit on. He gets as close to Tessa as he can, right up against her back and Tessa lowers her arms onto his thighs as she squats down fully.

A nurse has come in now too and she’s moving around with Suzanne, getting everything ready. He’s done this twice but it still feels completely surreal that this is actually happening. Sarah’s births had been so noisy, so long, even with Mollie. He feels out of his depth.

There’s no time to dwell on it though, because another contraction hits and Tessa has his hands in hers, squeezing hard as she bears down. She’s getting louder now, drowning out Suzanne’s praise or instruction, and Scott knows she’s started crying too, her voice ragged in between her contractions. “You’re amazing,” Scott whispers when Tessa’s head drops back against his chest. “You’re bringing our baby girl into the world.” He kisses her temple, her cheek, not caring that Tessa is drenched in sweat. “I would not be this badass about it.”

“How about you try next time?” Tessa says through gritted teeth.

He’ll promise her anything right now. “We’ll look into it. Get in on scientific trials.” She actually manages a huff of laughter then and Scott presses his smile to her hair, lacing their fingers together. “You’ve got this.”

The next push does produce something approximating a scream, the vein in Tessa’s neck looking close to bursting as she pushes harder. Suzanne doesn’t even flinch. “Little miss’ head is out! Would you like a mirror to see?”

“No,” Tessa yells. “Why would we want to?!” She shakes her head. Tessa attempts to wiggle her toes and Scott wonders if the position she’s in is starting to get to be too much. “Jesus, it fucking hurts.”

“Just one more big push,” Suzanne says.

Scott tries to look at what Suzanne is doing, curious to see what color hair the baby has, if any. Becca has been a bald baby and Nathan had apparently been too. But Tessa seems to catch on to what he’s doing (how, when she’s in the middle of giving birth, he’ll never know) and she grits out, “Stop. Looking.” She takes two shallow breaths. “You can look when you’re the one being split in half by a watermelon.”

There’s no room, or time, to respond because the next contraction hits and Tessa cries, loud and angry, and then it’s joined by another, tiny, piercing cry. 

And there she is. Eva, covered in all that fun new baby gunk, right there in Suzanne’s hands. 

“It’s a girl,” she announces happily.

He helps Tessa pull her gown down and then, together, they hold their crying baby to Tessa’s skin. Tessa laughs, the tears not slowing at all. “Oh, hi, baby.”

Scott strokes the back of Tessa’s hand, touches the wet tufts of hair on Eva’s head. “Look at that,” he says amid his own tears. “Head full of red hair.”

Tessa tears her eyes off the baby long enough to look at him and spit out, “I swear that she’s yours.”

He kisses her through his laugh. “I’ve met your brothers, Tess. I know that hair is from you.” He juts his chin down towards Eva. “Besides, that’s a standard issue Moir nose.”

With the help of the nurse, the trio stand, and Scott carefully lifts Tessa onto the hospital bed to give her legs a rest. He’s not even sure Tessa even registers what’s happening. She doesn’t look away from their little girl once, just keeps saying hello in a voice so soft and so full of love that Scott wishes he could bottle it up. 

He doesn’t realize how wrapped up he is at the sight of Tessa with their daughter until he looks up and discovers Tessa’s already delivered the placenta and Suzanne is asking him if he wants to cut the cord. The nurse appears on the other side of Tessa with a regretful smile. “Let me just get her measurements real quick, then we’ll be out of your hair.”

Scott stands between Tessa and Eva, his hand holding onto Tessa’s tightly but his eyes focused completely on their crying and squirming little one. Their baby girl weighs in at eight pounds, three ounces and is 20 inches long. He has no idea if her blue eyes will stay that way (he’d venture they won’t but it might be nice, give her something in common with Becca and Nathan) but he knows for certain that the very second she looks at him, he’s an absolute goner. It feels as though his heart is going to burst through his chest there’s so much love pouring out of him for Eva, for Tess. 

Diapered and wrapped in a soft, standard issue hospital blanket, Eva is placed in his arms for the first time. He cries harder as he kisses her forehead, feeling her warm skin beneath his lips. 

He thinks he’s in heaven.

Suzanne is already slipping out of the room, the nurse not far behind, when he gets back to the bed. “Hi there, Mama.” 

Tessa smiles, exhausted, but makes grabby hands for their bundle of joy.

He settles onto the bed next to her and Eva is back in Tessa’s arms. Their little girl fusses when Tessa unwraps her but quiets when her mama shushes her and presses her against her skin. They count all ten fingers and all ten toes. They marvel at her hair and her eyes and her nose and her lips. “I think she might be perfect,” Tessa whispers.

“I think you’re right.” He reaches out to run his finger over Eva’s leg. “Thank you,” he sighs, letting his head fall against Tessa’s. “I love you.”

Tessa noses at his cheek until he turns to look at her and she kisses him. He feels all her joy, all her exhaustion, all the swirling mix of emotions that radiate off of her. She looks him straight in the eye. “I love you.” 

He’s never going to tire of hearing that.

Another kiss before their attention goes back to Eva who has started to root around at Tessa’s chest. She latches on easy and her hand curls around the rings that lay at Tessa’s collar.

Neither one of them say anything but Scott doesn’t miss the sharp intake of breath when Eva holds Tessa’s rings in her fist. It feels like a sign, like a blessing. He hopes it is. He hopes that Sarah and Jonathan were here with them, helping them get to this point safely, happily. They wouldn’t be here without their spouses, as strange as that is to think. Eva wouldn’t be here.

Scott holds Tessa close, breathes her in as Eva suckles at her breast. 

Soon, they’ll introduce their daughter to her siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Soon, the world will come back in. But, at this moment, it’s just them. 

Tessa and Scott and Eva and the angels they carry with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We won't be posting the final (ahh!) chapter until November when we finally meet in person. It feels like the right way to end this part of the journey (we will of course be writing oneshots after, we don't want to say goodbye to this world we love so much).


End file.
